"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

How they are preparing

The Poms arrive in Saffaland in a few days. I have been waiting for this tournament a long time. I am so excited that I secretly stalked the Poms to see how they were preparing. I am going to have to report to Mickey soon, but I just had to share this with you guys.

Still perplexed by how cricket is actually played, the Pommies give up and pursue a new form of line dancing. It involves grabbing each others hands tightly in a show of manly love and swaying from side to side. It's quite clever you see because when the Saffa batsmen run in between the wickets, instead of running for the ball they will do this dance and trap the batsmen between their arms. Meanwhile the ball will attempt to walk back to the pitch and throw itself at the stumps.

To try and prove that he is not a little boy anymore, Stuart Broad has bought a bigger ball to play with. He will keep this ball on display at all times preferably around the groin region so that it can block the yorkers and the googlies. This way, none of the Saffas can bowl him out and he can call himself a batsman.

Every time the Saffas are piling on runs, the Poms will pose next to a table and stare at the batsmen. They have heard about the wonders of intimidation in cricket and want to try it out with their awkwardly positioned captain, skimpy tank tops and the Ghosts of Crappy Past.

And just in case that doesn't work, they will wear their suits, bring a plane in the middle of the pitch, pull out two little Red Riding Hoods from their pockets and wave like the Queen. When the wave is done in unison, it reflects on the sky like well...a wave, and signals to Her Highness that the people of Pomland are in trouble. She must put on her test whites and come play for England. Unfortunately for them, the Queen is busy taking pictures with the REAL English Cricket Team.

So finally, when all else has failed, the Poms will resort to their last strategy, which is bowing down to the Saffers and hoping they show some mercy.

Mickey and I will be deciding just how much mercy the Saffers should pretend to show to the Pommies before plummeting them to the centre of the Earth. Will keep you posted.


Anonymous said...

The Pommes have obviously started a boy band (why else would five men pose in matching outfits?). They've done this to knock AB off the hitlists, leaving him depressed and unable to bat for all the tears.

Die Fräulein

annoymous said...

Hey you guys, Where is Brandon on TCC, just wondering if the peeps are okay, really used to enjoy reading his blog, and see he has disappeared, just wondering if he is okay, I am prob sick but I actually think KP looks attractive there, prob the black and white lighting lol.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely brilliant!

Purna said...

Frau, I can't report that to AB. He might decide to make another single to combat the Poms. I love my hearing too much for that to happen.

annoy, I have emailed him and left him msgs on his blog but he hasn't responded. I'm actually getting a little worried.
And you are not sick, it's KP's plastic surgeon.

Missy, thanks! Are you misfield/misprInt from miss-field.com?

Anonymous said...

I myself am quite looking forward to this series, if only to see the England cricket get their behinds kicked for stealing our little urn.

Anonymous said...

Ms Print from tales from the offside. No affiliation to the real Ms Field and definitely not trying to steal her thunder :)

Purna said...

Missy, LOL. I didn't mean it like that. She's stopped blogging so I was just wondering whether she has opened up a new one.

Sid, if the Saffas thrash them...will you give them the urn? :D

Anonymous said...

I would have to pry the urn from Little Andy's sweaty little fingers first ... I know, perhaps he'll let go of it inadvertently while we are feeding him to those lions in your basement?

And then, no ... you can't have it.