"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Happy Holidays!


Just in case the holidays don't bring a lot of laughter and joy in your life, I put a picture that surely will.

What is up with Graeme's face?

And when will AB stop wearing white?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Of cycles

Life is a cycle. Hence upon coming back to life I quickly died for a second time, because people thought a very good welcome back news would be that of Bhajji scoring a test century. It was instant death. No time for goodbyes. Hell not even time for the last gasp. Shame on you!

Australia is also in a cycle. It's called the shit cycle. Sometimes the cycle breaks because really shit is not circular. Shit just piles on and makes things shittier. I don't mean excretory materials, I mean shit that happens. But when you yourself are the shit that happens to...yourself, what can you really do? Think about that sentence long and hard. It's not that complicated. It basically means Australia had a fabulous third Ashes test series again and Mitchell Johnson was the main reason behind it. He swore at the press, Australia became all cocky again and England crumbled. Sounds familiar? No children, your life is not in repeat. Australia is. The only factor that's different here is that the next test is a Boxing Day test, and Australia have never lost those. I say never because I am too lazy to do research. But I am sure it borders on never. But does that really change anything? England is still the better team. Please do not ask me to explain that sentence. I've already ripped my heart into pieces typing that.

Not everybody is going around in cycles. Kallis just broke his cycle of getting close to the 200 mark and jumped right through it. I didn't know if it (what else did you expect?) till I went to Cricinfo and saw a picture of Kallis' hair. By now the picture has become legendary, so I won't bother putting it on here. But I will tell you that I actually started reading the caption because I thought Kallis had batted for so long that he had actually started growing hair. I mean it's Christmas time and he is 36. One of these days Santa had to give the boy what he really wanted right? It was only then that I realized that he had actually batted to 200 runs, not 200 days. I celebrated his achievement by brushing my own hair.

He has inspired me to break this cycle of absence that I have been stuck in lately. We will take it one day at a time. Don't get your hopes up, but know that I am trying.

In case I am gone for a long time, I will leave you with this very thought-provoking question: Am I Mitchell Johnson?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Forgive me, for I have sinned

A grave injustice occurred in the past month.

I briefly parted with the love of my life- cricket. I ignored it royally, sometimes because of exhaustion and sometimes because of life. Other times it was a complete lack of interest.

I suck, I know.

Why I moved so far away from my beloved, I don't quite know. It may have been a combination of things but I would like to brush it aside with my favourite expression of ultimate indifference to a very serious situation, 'shit happens'.

I am brushing it aside for the sole reason that I am now sitting and watching a thrilling one day international between the Saffers and Pakistan. Afridi just parted but then came Razzaq, who seems to have become a bit of a saviour of Pakistan cricket. There's more; I just saw BOTH Younis Khan and Yousuf Youhana on television in the Pakistan dressing room. And Ingram just dropped a catch...I am like an excited monkey and a disappointed donkey at the same time. Excuse my lame jokes, I am out of practice.

But only cricket can make me feel this way. Only cricket can make me jump out of bed and run around the house screaming '4-0, 4-0, 4-0'. Yes, it happened people. Just because I didn't gloat and rub it all over your faces doesn't mean you can pretend that it was all a dream and Bangladesh don't actually have a legitimate chance in the upcoming World Cup. Believe me if the 4-0 was a fluke, I'll be the first one to tell you to not get too excited. I speak only the truth. And while I am at it I would like to take this opportunity to tell Ashraful that it's time to pack up and look for a new career.

Also, the Aussies are kind of doomed for that little tournament that is about to take place.

Oh and one last thing: you may punish me any way you please.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Dale must not play

Dear Anil,

It has come to my attention that South Africa's main weapon, the weapon that recently demolished your nation, the maniac that has done so much for your IPL team is currently struggling with an elbow injury.

(Excuse me, I must got FML)

Okay, I am back. So, Dale Steyn has an injury which is almost reminiscent of last year, when the Poms came and managed a draw and a win before lovely Dale was back in full swing. They may have managed a draw afterwards as well, but that obviously has been selectively removed from memory. Except when the brain perceives something ginger but, I digress.

This year, some more men in blue are coming to Saffaland, only they wear a different shade. We really have a shortage of colour in sports but again, I digress.

IF Dale Steyn is injured before the tests and we have another drawn home series, your red and gold, too bright for it's own good team will have to pay. Chances are you won't reach the semis of the Modi/Majola/Sutherland tournament, but it's okay. You have Cam White, a whole lotta Saffers and of course all those female actresses that Lalit Modi like to stare at. So really, the S&M's love you anyway. What the hell will you do with a trophy? It doesn't last eternally, like love does.

So from here onwards, Dale must not play. He needs to rest for the real tournament. Got it?

Of course you did, you are an engineer after all.

Love,
Me

P.S: Do you really have to wear gold?

Joke's on you, India

Mumbai Indians are a strange team. People who follow them consist of those that think that they are the best team in the world and those who viciously try to prove that they are over-rated. One suspects that people's reasoning for thinking that Mumbai are the best team in the world because they have Sachin. Of course all logic fails afterwards, so we will not elaborate.

One also suspects that haters hate Mumbai because of their fans. This by all means is a gross generalization. My research sample is completely biased and most of it is just good old fashioned intuition. But that is what makes the joke funnier.

Amongst all these: the lovers and the haters, the fanatics and the sworn enemies, one factor continues to remain overlooked. It is this factor that makes me laugh out loud because it actually affects both parties. I dislike Mumbai immensely (despite the on and off presence of Shaun Pollock in the team) because of this factor.The factor is Harbhajan Singh.

Durby plays for Mumbai and India. Durby is often considered an important weapon for both his teams. Durby consistently gives a 'meh' if not disgustingly inadequate performance for both the teams. Mumbai Indian fuels this inadequacy, as Durby is rarely replaced but always cherished...just like in team India. All this limited overs exposure means Durbhajan Singh Durby, is sure to be in World Cup squad.

Mumbai Indians recently lost a match they had already won because Durby thinks his bowling is acceptable.
Most haters and lovers of Mumbai Indians are Indians themselves.
India are one of the hosts of the 2011 World Cup.

You see why I am laughing at them?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Apology post

So a while ago, while on vacation, I thought I would post.

I gathered all these materials on the match-fixing scandals. The excuses, the ex-girlfriends coming up with evidence out of the blue, the inter-country war accusations (oh yes, there have been those too) and I was ready to go.

I was unstoppable in my mind. Just like the media, I came up with my own version of their theories. Maybe Veena Malik DID marry Asif who refuses to share the news with the world. And now that Asif has been suspended, she will still stand by her man as the world admire her courage and faith. Together, Asif, Veena and Love will conquer all forthcoming obstacles. Of course this will one day be a movie called "Dear Asif, Love Veena's Notebook". I can already see Nicholas Sparks penning this down.

If this didn't hold any water there is always the backup theory, the one you can't go wrong with. It's a new version of the India-Pakistan battle. India wants to take Pakistan down and what not. I could write elaborately on this too but I am pretty sure at some point you will stop and realize that you have heard it all before.

Honestly, I was going to publish all this crap and cross over to journalism because clearly, you can post anything on the net and call yourself a reporter. 

Fortunately for you and for those who HAVE been publishing this crap on the web, I got brain freeze. I didn't know why. Although, I did spend a good number of the last few days laughing at KP, wondering if Dimitri Mascarenhas is really a cricketer worth mentioning, why anyone would say that Pakistan is improving in ODI's like they are a new team and whether Enrique Iglesias really knew he was performing at a cricket tournament.

All nonsensical thoughts that only added to my brain freeze. Hence, after some intense nerve searching, I realized that the only way to get rid of it was tell you guys. 

Somewhere in there, I am apologizing for being missing in action. No, really.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

If I was paid...

I would sit and watch Stuart Broad score his first test hundred. But I didn't because they didn't pay me enough to rip my arms and legs off before watching. At that point, I thought that that would have been enough to downplay this horrible incident. Then Stuart Broad made 150.

If I was paid, I would also analyze this match-fixing scandal to the tiniest of fragments, giving my own opinions on Amer, Asif, Butt, Bangladesh being accused, Nathan Hauritz's plea to keep the legitimacy of his first fifer in test etc. etc.

But I am not. So I will just tell you what I feel.

I have no sympathy for Mohammad Aamer.
Mohammas Asif should really fucking grow up and realize that he just needs to be the best bowler in the world and nothing else. Which he already is, so I really don't see why he must engage in such behavior.
The rest who were involved in this scandal can go fuck themselves.

If I was paid, I would also probably hide my disappointment and keep this post perfectly devoid of emotions, but I wasn't so I won't. Fuck it! I probably wouldn't have been able to curb my emotions even if I had been paid.

When Hansie Cronje admitted to his crimes, I was shaken to the core. To many, this will sound silly but not to those who love cricket with a passion the way I do. When a player takes money to throw away the very thing that entertain, evoke emotions, pride, fierce loyalty all at the same time, it is an unimaginable betrayal. I am not exaggerating and you know it.

I don't buy scalped tickets, I never will. I don't buy fake jerseys and for a while now I have been saving up little by little to go visit Lords. There have been many downfalls to this plan of course but I start all over again. And when I walk into the ground there is a very good chance I will shed a tear. Like I did when Pollock retired, when Klusener got run out, when Shakib got stumped against England...

Dear cricketers, this is the level of attachment to this game. We too go broke so we can watch matches, travel to venues.

So your families were in danger, you could have told the police and gotten security. But how will you fix this hatred that live in the hearts of your fans now? Will you pay us too?

We won't take your tainted money. You can keep it. And as you are keeping it, do us a favour and make an exit as fast you can. I would rather watch a mediocre player than a great one who disrespects his greatness for money.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

What's in your belly?

Sometimes, Stuart Broad inspires me. It's purely accidental of course, but it happens. This time he has inspired me to spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering what is in each cricketer's belly.

Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.

That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?

Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.

Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.

Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.

Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.

And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.

Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Save me

For I am cricket deprived.

So grave is my situation that just the other day, as I read the headlines on CP 24, I saw that English bowler Graeme Swann had cited the immediate need to rescue a cat in distress as the reason for his drunk driving. Obviously, seeing as this was a Canadian news channel, I thought I was hallucinating. Turns out Swannyg66 is indeed a chivalrious Puss in Boots and THIS is the news that the Canadians thought should go up on their headlines. Not Afridi boom booming all over the place, not Dhoni's sudden wedding, not even AB's CD release.

Cricket will never be taken seriously in this country.

Speaking of seriously, I am also so cricket deprived that I am seriously considering buying AB's album. Apparently, his songs are about cricket, inspiration, positivity, winning, dreams and everything that teenagers will scream and die for. Why AB wastes his time playing cricket, I don't understand. Surely, he should at least consider filling that 5th Backstreet Boy spot that's empty right now? That way, when my cricket deprivation has driven me to a permanent state of mental instability, I will be listening to 'songs' written by the Backstreet Boys on cricket. You know like: 'Quit dropping catches off my bowling', 'Larger than Jakes', 'I want Graeme that way...'.

Seriously, save me.

And while you are saving me, can you save Bangladesh cricket as well? I hear Crashraful is in the squad for the New Zealand tour...

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Overdue post on the Buffalo

A lot of things went through my mind when I heard that the Buffalo had stepped down as South Africa's T20 Captain. I was surprised and elated at the same time. Surprised because I actually thought that CSA would have to forcibly remove his stubborn ass, rather than him getting over it long enough to realize that he is seriously unimaginative when it comes to limited overs cricket. Although, he could also have done it because it seems to be the latest trend. Plus Ricky did it, so must Smithy! This statement has no evidence to back it up whatsoever, but if you have watched the two closely, you will know intuitively that Graeme is a bit of a Ricky follower. And if you still don't see it, try harder.

Anyway, I was so elated that I watched the resignation video again and again, mostly to hear the Buffalo say "I've always had a philosophy.."

*Pause for laughter*

I wish that he had stepped down as ODI captain as well, although I guess the World Cup is a little too close right now. Something tells me that the Buffalo will try very hard to bow out in glory, and as much as he annoys me I hope it doesn't fucking blow up in his face. Not at the expense of another Saffa World Cup exit.

The real reason I am so happy is because people have always thought that I was crazy for wanting Smithy to step down and now thankfully the validation of my sanity has come from the perpetrator himself. His little speech might say that he is doing it to lengthen his career my friends, but I'm telling you Smithy probably watched some footage of his captaincy during his vacation. Maybe he thought he'll learn something. I am glad he learnt the right lesson.

Now Botha is taking over. Botes is not a great T20 player but I am fine with this because he wasn't appalling against Australia as a skipper. I would have died of shock had AB been given the reigns. I don't care what you say but just because he is great at everything, it does not necessarily mean that he will make a good leader. In fact, I am fairly certain that AB won't be a good captain till he grows up a little. Yes, I said it. He still has a lot more maturing to do.

If Botha doesn't work out though they might have a bit of a problem, because I really don't know which other Saffa is actually ready to captain their T20 side.Maybe Jakes, but that's a short-term investment.

Maybe Boeta Dipenaar.

Err...

Fuck! I sure hope Botha doesn't flop!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

That's it?

I missed the Sri Lanka and India game yesterday because of work. Story of my life lately! But I did log onto Twitter for a bit to see what was going on and I realized that I missed something very interesting. Twitterville was buzzing with opinions on the 'Randiv incident'. I couldn't wait to go back home and look it up.

When I did, it turned out that Randiv had deliberately bowled a no ball, when India needed one run to win so Sehwag would not get his 13th ODI hundred. And I thought to myself, that's it?

By the reactions of those on the internet, one would think that this was Sehwag's last ever ODI match and he was denied a glorious exit. I am sure Sehwag was at his prolific best as he often tends to be but seriously, what a fucking sorry-ass of an incident!

This has less to do with Virender Sehwag and more to do with batsmen and their continuous whining. They whine about everything. Pitches annoy them, audience members distract them, umpires give them unfair decisions, bowlers deny them centuries...hello, that's their fucking job! Just because the match is lost, he is supposed to hand you a century?

And don't give me all that crap about the 'Spirit of Cricket'. What is the Spirit of Cricket really? You can bend that law/saying/intuition/whatever it is supposed to be to make your own point. Like statistics, it is only there to serve your purpose and nothing else. Like, if this was the century that was going to take Sehwag past Sachin Tendulkar in the record books, I would have used the Spirit of Cricket bullshit to blast Randiv and condemned him for his act. See how easy that was?

And if we are so big on the Spirit of Cricket how about investing in something called the Spirit of Bowling as well? Let's not expect bowlers to pick up the slack of shitty batting performances; let's have harsh punishments for terrible fielders who drop the one fucking ball that comes to them after the bowlers have toiled for hours; let's recognize the bowler's contribution not only when he has taken wickets but also when he bowled brilliantly but remained wicket less. LET FAST BOWLERS BOUNCE THE BATSMEN! Let spinners deceive them. Make pitches...aah fuck it! That's a lost cause.

My point is, had this happened to Shane Watson, we would have all laughed and said he deserved it for being a twat. And Watson is, if you force your brain to think about it for a few seconds, a pretty talented batsman as well. We would have said that Randiv was being competitive, so why support Sehwag's whining?

Me, I am glad he got stranded on 99. Just like I support an opposition team's increased efforts to rattle a batsman when he is in the 90's, irrespective of the situation.

Friday, August 13, 2010

One whole year of spams

On August 13th, 2009 a spammer decided to con the cricket blogosphere. It first perched itself prettily on one of the most beloved and famous cricket sites of all times, Amy S Talks Cricket, and then started it's dirty work.

It first recruited some innocent cricket lovers by the names of Stani Army, Esra Star, Brandon, Bella,Miss Jane, Richie, Frau and Morne's Lover. Upon recruitment this virus-like spam infested their brains with her evil plans till they mechanically started to assist it to grow far and wide. Deeper and deeper  into the hay-wired world of the internet and cricket.

Then it crept slowly into lovely brains like Leela, Scorpicity, Straight Point, Prafs, Mary Jane, Christopher Poshin, Raj, Nazim, Som, Maz, Maddy, Ian, MTJAG, and Adi. The virus was specially successful in turning poor Sid, mspr1nt, Marty D, Wes and Ach into mentally unstable individuals so they actually befriended the spammer and went onto believing in her spamming ways.

The greats, Jrod, Sarah Canterbury, Old Batsman and Ceci and Mel even put the spammer on their blogroll upon which it became much, much easier for her to trap more and more cricket lovers.

IOB gave her a free book and World Cricket Watch called her 'exciting'. Little did they know that she was only on a spam role.

SixSixEight, Reina,Suave, Dave the Bard, Betti, Beggy, Mark and Lady Giraffe befriended her on twitter. There was no stopping her now!

Mahek, Naked Cricket and Holding Willey welcomed her with open arms into their blogs. She spent many happy hours turning them into my her homes. So much so that BCC! now even shares it's birthday with her. All in a day's work for a virus like her!

Finally, the spammer even managed to give birth to a genuine blogger, with some help from her virus-infested friends, and Sunny's blog was born. Oh the joys of being a spammer!

Amidst all of this, there were the anons and the readers who continued to be happily spammed by her, oblivious to the nonsense she was filling their brains with.

Inch by inch, step by step, she happily ate away at their brains. Loving every neurotransmitter and burping away merrily. Even those she forgot to mention in this post. Yes my friends, she enjoyed feasting on you very much.

It is only apt that this Queen of Eternal Spamation turns a year old on Friday the 13th.

101 reasons why I like the Kiwis

I've been trying to figure out why I like the Kiwis so much. Apart from the fact that they have Daniel Vettori and are basically neutral like Switzerland I mean. So I was reading up on them when it suddenly struck me.

New Zealand is considered by many to be a state of Australia.
Canada is called the 51st American state.
Truth is, We are both a million times better than our neighbours.

That was reason number three.

The Kiwis always surprise people with their cricket. We never look at them and say, 'this team is so fucking talented they will rule the world one day'. Then they thrash India by 200 runs.

That is a huuuuge margin. Even bigger considering three of their top players and match-winners were all absent. Vettori is apparently in labour, Jesse Ryder is still drunk and Baz is probably at sea, in a quest to truly find his calling.

That is reason number four.

Reason number five is IOB. Enough said.

Then there are others, like Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Shane Bond and of course Stephen Fleming. Stephen Fleming alone can be reason number nine to a hundred. And because of his awesome performance I will now add Daryl Tuffey to that list.

Reason number hundred and one.

Strangely, by the end of this list I have also managed to come up with a reason I like India: they gave Dhoni grey hair.

Or maybe it was the wife.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Barbie apologizes

Dear strange people who don't live in Barbie land,

Why don't you live in Barbie land? Do you hate me? Of course not, look how pretty I am! See, the reason I am asking is because if you lived in Barbie land you would know that I am not a brat, neither spoiled. I am just a lovely, pretty, girl who knows that pouting will get you everything you ever asked for.

That's why when the Umpire rejected my appeal for LBW, I pouted and pouted but it didn't work. So I threw the ball and pretended to throw it at the batsman. I knew it wouldn't have hurt him because I am such a delicate flower. How can a ball thrown by me go faster than a turtle? You know the turtle who won the race? Yes, I go slow like him. But I still win.

Because I am a lovely, pretty little girl who gets whatever she wants. And when I don't, I just misbehave but it's absolutely harmless. I mean, whoever's heard of pouting being of real harm? Plus, the men I play with are big and burly, they can take it!

But I am still going to apologize, because I want you all to come to my tea party. So I will lift my hand at the batsman and pretend it was an accident and later on plead guilty as I hand out invitations to the tea party. They will let me off leniently because I really serve the finest fake tea in all of Barbie land.

This is my apology. It really is. Look at my pretty face, how can I be lying?


(Why does every pic of Broad I come across have the word Boss in them? He tries so hard...)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Don't worry about Ricky

I heard, because I am being such an gigantic bum when it comes to keeping up with cricket these days, that Ricky the bastard Ponting may retire if the Ashes is lost in Australia.

First of all, I have a sneaking suspicion that that is not going to happen. As in Australia won't lose the Ashes in Australia. I'll give you the reasons later, when the series starts. But for now, let's assume that the Aussies lose the Ashes a second consecutive time (i.e. be delusional) and consider Ricky's future.

Ricky Ponting is a man of many talents. Being a bastard is one of the main ones and it is one he pulls off with complete ease. But there are other sides to his character as well. For example being a stubborn pig, carrying an ego that is bigger than him (but how hard is that really?), helping children with cancer, the ability to have cute children...although I suspect his lovely wife has a bigger contribution to the 'cute' part.

And all of these skills are actually transferable off the pitch. But the one that's really going to get him through his fall from grace is his acting skills.

Yes children, his acting skills. You might know by now that I like Ricky Ponting and hate him at the same time. I have no clue why, but I suspect that his stellar commercials has something to with it, like this one that I just saw over at Jrod's.

Did you even know Ricky Ponting could talk in a high pitch, shrill voice? It's like the woman in him just came out, the drag version of Punter- Rikisha Panini (or Panty Rutting as suggested by Sophie from Test Match Sofa).

Don't worry about Ricky he will be fine even if he retires. And if everything else falls through there is always Valvoline. You know what I mean?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What a break does to you

Pictures courtesy of Cricket South Africa:

Can't...run..too..much..beer

Methinks a liposuction is in order 

You are a friggin' FAST BOWLER!

Err, missed him much Hash?

See, I wasn't completely on crack when I insisted that they should play ALL THE TIME! 

And yes Maky is back. As is Justin Kemp. At least for the training.

The controversies begin

You know the ICC is shittier than shit when you hear something like,

' We have only four hot spot cameras which means we can only use them after the quarterfinals. If we were to have hot spot cameras available for the group stages as well, we would have had to order them in January or February of this year.'

Then why didn't you?

Which organization does last minute planning for their most prestigious event? And if funding is the problem then you should probably fire everybody in your Fundraising department because the money for something as important as this should have been ready at least over a year ago. I have never run such a big organization like the ICC and even I know stuff like this!

So they fucked up and now we have to sit and wonder what hot spot would have shown. That is just unfair not only on the teams, but on the fans as well. I am not a big fan of the UDRS but I really like hot spot as it's conclusive most of the time. It is the one that SHOULD be there, specially in such an important tournament. But who will knock that sense into the ICC?

They are not even trying to find some alternative to the problem to at least partially solve it. I don't know what such an alternative would be (neon balls? outfits that change colour when the ball hits?) as I don't get paid big bucks to think about these things. But it would be nice if the guys who do actually come up with SOMETHING.

Put your thinking cap on Dave! Give us a good World Cup. It happens once every four years!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Grow some balls Gary

I was really happy when I realized Durby wasn't in the third test. I thought someone had stood up to the injustice that is Harbhajan Singh and axed him. Maybe Gary Kirsten had the balls to go up to the selectors and threatened to quit if he was included again. But to be honest, it doesn't look like he does. Because the only reason the bastard is not in the team is because he is injured.

Then again, it looks like no one has the balls to drop Durby. Either that or he is the selection board's secret keeper and will open his mouth the minute they let him go. There is literally no other way of explaining this.

But I do think that there are plenty of ways to drop him and most of them has to start with Gary Kirsten. He is the fucking coach! Why doesn't he get to drop those who harm the effort the rest of the team puts in? If Durby doesn't perform, he probably needs to spend extra time with him, when he could very well have used that extra time on someone who isn't a lost cause. And yes, Durby is a lost cause. Otherwise, don't you think he would have at least been ashamed of his pie chucking by now and attempted to be a little bit more effective?

So c'mon Gary! Walk into that selection meeting room and break some chairs. Light Durby's Hummer on fire if he doesn't quit himself. Kidnap the rest of the team and negotiate for a Indian cricket team without Durby. Tie Durby to a chair and force him to watch his own bowling till he realizes it's shit.

Or better yet INJURE HIM FOR LIFE!

Oh...

Bangladesh postpone Kiwi test

I love tests, but let's face it, Bangladesh really need to work very hard on their one day skills if they are not to lose to Ireland and Netherlands again in WC 2011. I also know that this opening sentence is making you wonder why Bangladesh get to play tests in the first place and even postpone one one top of that. Well they do, and since every argument for and against has already been made in the past, all I am going to say is : if Bangladesh is stripped of their test status you get the pleasure of watching more India vs Sri Lanka series, as none of these teams want to travel far. Nor do they want to travel to Pakistan. Hence, Bangladesh is doing you a service.

But back to the topic at hand. This was a smart decision, which is oh so rare for the BCB. Unlike some other countries we have actually had a good couple of years in terms of playing a variety of teams. Sure we still managed to play Sri Lanka the most (The Lankans need to expand their country vocab a little), but overall it's been good exposure in the test level. But now the WC is only six months away (YAY!) and we don't even have a stable one day team.

I personally feel good about Bangladesh's chances of making it to the second round in this World Cup, because it's the World Cup and it distorts all logic and judgement. All you want to do is be blindly behind your team. So any move they are making in an attempt to at least meet that expectation will be supported by me.

Of course, I am still looking forward to the test against the Kiwis afterwards. The last time they met in February, the bloody 'series' had only one test. It's about time we finish it.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Tweetin' Dale

It's true and although it's not twitterified yet, his girlfriend and AB have already verified that it is him.

So far, he has told us that he had to hold his pee while Hashim Amla picked up his numerous awards, called AB a spider, used the word 'fuck' under disguise (please!) and informed us that somebody called Panjo is in his bathroom. I can only hope Panjo is his dog, otherwise this can go under one those articles titled 'Twitter fail: how I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me'.

He is slightly demented and funny, as I had pictured him to be, and may just give Mark Boucher and Herschelle Gibbs good competition on Twitterville. So far, Mark B is clearly leading, as he responds to people and has epic 'fights' with Mrs. Neil McKenzie. He also puts up pictures of people vomiting. It's gross but it sure beats the generic, boring, feel good one liners that the other Saffers come up with.

I hope together, Dale and Mark break the pattern. I also hope that Dale doesn't take his Blackberry to the bathroom every time he uses it, so we can get a complete taste of Dale Steyn: exposed. No pun intended.

And now, as this post is becoming infamous for its series of bad titles, and because this other news is not really worthy of a separate post, from today onwards Wayne Parnell will be legally allowed to buy alcohol all over the world. While I do wish him many happy returns of the day I really just want him to return to cricket ASAP.

The same goes for his team mates.

Fan or Fanatic: Scale

You took the survey. You might not have put your answers on the comments sections...but you took the survey. Some of you even declared yourselves to be fanatics. Brave, I have to say but are you really a fanatic?

If you scored...

16-26: You are a fan! But don't get too excited because occasionally, you will be found guilty of being irrational and may even be abandoned by friends. But it's okay. I mean, which sports lover hasn't been declared temporarily insane?

28-38: You are in limbo. Sometimes you listen to reason and acknowledge that your team deserves the criticism. Other times, your rage is so misplaced that people are quickly putting aside sharp objects. They are also putting you on speaker phone and going about their daily chores while you rant/cry about your team's latest fuck up.

40-50: Congratulations! You are such a psycho that stalkers mention your name in their Annual Stalkers Congregation. You are the person that celebrities have a restraining order against and your friends probably are lying to you when they agree with you because...YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE. But they will never tell you of course, because they don't want to be added to the list of people who mysteriously disappeared in your past.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

While I was busy...

Yes, it has happened. I am too busy to watch cricket and what fucking annoys me that all around me, EXCELLENT cricket is being played!

Of course I am exaggerating because the only excellent cricket being played is in the Australia vs Pakistan series where the Aussies are taking no part in the excellence.

Aussies, not a part of excellence.

THAT in itself is EXCELLENT!

And I am missing it.

Pakistan's bowling is also excellent, which is only expected when you have Aamer and Asif in your team.

I am still missing it.

Also, Murali got 800 wickets. I watched till 799...then I got bored. I have a sneaking suspicion that it was more India wanting to give him wickets so that he could end his career on a high.

I kid. Murali is...how shall I put it...'clever in his own way' but India still looked like they were dying to give him wickets didn't they? Maybe they have "bring Lalit back" parties to go to.

Lastly, after their comeback against Ireland (fucking hell!) Bangladesh lost to Netherlands.

I am actually glad that I missed that. You should be too, otherwise you would have had to read yet another article on how Bangladesh have disappointed me. What is the point?

The point is, I am busy and I am missing cricket.
I hate it.

The adoption of ROFL

Children, it's been decided. For months now I have struggled with the decision to adopt this strange looking yet absolutely endearing alien. Most of the time my struggle was directly correlated to his performance on the pitch.

Wickets= leaning towards adoption.
Wicket less = Hell no!

Then he got dropped from the ODI team, came back, performed miserably got dropped again...I didn't have time to support his difficult days. He has a wife for that, which incidentally is news to me. The mother is always the last to know, how very typical.

I only wanted to revel in his good days. I mean, if I wanted a troubled child I would have one of my own. Why adopt an alien?

But now, I have no choice. Even though he is not back in the squad and kind of proving himself to be a little shit and predictable, I am left with no other option but to adopt him. A great force has compelled me. This force, unfortunately, did not rise from hidden maternal instincts. Instead, it was born out of a pair of pants.


ROFL went to CSA's annual golf day in these pants.
ROFL let other people see him in these pants.
ROFL posed for a picture in these pants.

He might not be my son yet, but he is a Protea and no member of my team shall ever look like...well, like this! A half man, half zebra with an alien residing in the middle. This is a crime against humanity, nearly punishable by death although, I am pretty sure PETA will kill us before we can kill that zebra.

I think we can safely say that ROFL will have to work really hard to become a regular in the squad again but there is no reason why he can't look like a normal person while he is at it. That is where I come in. From now on, ROFL is my son.

You can address all gifts to me. I will pass them onto him when he comes of age.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Fan or Fanatic?

Answer the questions to find out if you are borderline psychotic or just a good old sports nuts who doesn't mind the occasional bar brawl.

Question 1: Your team loses a final match because they sucked so bad, minnows could have beaten them in their sleep. You watched the match with a group of friends who were all supporting the other team. Your friends are trying very hard to not rub it in your face by pointing out that they only lost because they played terribly. You:

a) Call upon your inner Senshi and knock all your friends out with one kick [6 pts]
b) Try to jump out of the window because you have been betrayed by the very people you thought were your friends [8 pts]
c) Sit silently and appear to be calm but really, you are trying to figure out how to finish off the members of your team one by one [4 pts]
d) Pretend to cry hysterically (okay, some of the tears are real) so your friends stop teasing you [2 pts]

Question 2: Someone tests your loyalty to your favourite player in the whole world by asking you to get his/her name tattooed in a very questionable area of your body. You:

a) Agree immediately. Heck, you sleep with this person's picture underneath your pillow so why not? [8 pts]
b) Agree but only if you also get to put the name of your significant other next to it [6 pts]
c) Refuse outright because...you already have his/her name tattooed in a very questionable area. You are not about to get a second one, that would be crazy! [10 pts]
d) You refuse on the grounds that you don't need to do anything so outrageous to show your loyalty, a fake tattoo will work just as well [4 pts]

Question 3: Sachin Tendulkar just declared to the world that his 'fans' embarrass the crap out of him when they wage a war against anybody who say anything bad about him. Even something trivial like, 'Sachin is having a bad hair day'. You:

a) Listen to him and stop immediately, but only because he is God [6 pts]
b) Contact the media to ask if that is really Sachin because you could have sworn that when you stalked him last night, he had a goatee [8 pts]
c) Go on the web and find articles on Sachin's announcement. Then swear at the SOBs, bastards, mother fuckers, ^%!*$* who wrote about it [12 pts]
d) Send him letters of protests and organize a march to fight for your right to continue your behaviour [10 pts]

Question 4: Your team cheats, lies, bullies and basically uses every unsportsmanlike tactic in the book to secure a crucial win. You:

a) Call it persistence and gloat about the win [6 pts]
b) Know what they did was wrong but still justify it to those who point it out [8 pts]
c) Say that you never watched the game and all you care about is the result [4 pts]
d) Switch teams temporarily i.e. till everybody stops hating them [0 pts i.e. what kind of a fan are you!]

Question 5: You are on a date and just found out that your favourite cricket player retired from all forms of the game. You:

a) Pretend to be more depressed than you really are to see if your date moves closer to 'comfort' you [ 4 pts]
b) Actually slump into depression and start writing a letter of thanks to him in the middle of the date [10 pts]
c) Pretend your date is the cricketer...you've always wanted to have dinner with him [12 pts]
d) Drone on and on about the cricketer to your date, till they fall asleep [6 pts]


Put your score in the comments section and wait for the next post to see whether you are a fan...or a FANATIC!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Child Labour

After trying the whole 'let only senior citizens play for the cricket team' experiment, the Aussies have now moved to the other side of the spectrum. They are now employing children to play for them.

It may work, just like the Senior Employment Program did...for a while anyway. However, it was years of frustration that propelled the players into becoming a super cricket breed. Most of them could form their own friggin' cricket team and thwart the national one, but they waited patiently and it paid off. What could the children bring to the table?


Maybe Lollipops for the opposition team, or the ice cream truck; big round sad eyes when the opposition bully them, a cuddly bear for Andrew Hilditch that say 'you're simply the best' every time you rub it's belly. 




However they bring it to the team, I congratulate Australia for finally growing some balls and trying out something totally innovative and new. If this works, it may spark a new trend, not only in cricket but in other sports as well. Giving fresh young blood a chance when they are still in their diapers...who would have thought?


In case you are wondering, Stuart Broad
is sulking about not being the suspiciously baby-faced person anymore. We have suggested that he get over it and embrace his inner Barbie.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Scared of Dale Steyn?

Don't be. It seems that Dale is so upset that batsmen fear him and so desperate to be liked by everybody that he has decided to wear a skirt.

With a pink sash.
Courtesy of: Cricket South Africa

I understand the Oranje but what was the need for the polka dotted skirt Dale? 

I guess in a way, it is really cool that Dale Steyn is that wacky and crazy guy that will go all out to support his team and I would normally hang out with that guy except for the fact that I am a die-hard Spain supporter. Been supporting them almost simultaneously with the Saffers.

So it's game on Dale, and I am not scared of you! But that's probably because I've never had to face one of your yorkers.

And just as an advice, I doubt any batsman will like you in a skirt. Your gait is too manly.

Memories: Bangladesh vs Pakistan '99

This is a new series that I might start, when I have shit all to write about and the brain is not coming up with anything clever. Not that it does in general.

Anyway, before this epic match our first ever World Cup campaign was pretty much as expected- a nice ass-whooping. We were only there to be beaten, although we did win one against Scotland. I mean, our captain was too old and our 'star' player was too fat. Hence you can see why never in our wildest dreams had we ever imagined that Bangladesh would achieve something very special in their first ever World Cup.

I must admit that I had very little interest in the game, meaning I fleetingly watched Bangladesh bat. Both the games on that day (New Zealand vs Scotland was the other) would have not even the slightest influence on the tournament.

Other than humiliation for Pakistan.

When Pakistan was three down for 26 runs, a friend called to swear at me for not watching the match. I screamed and ran to turn on the t.v. and from what I recall, alarmed my family who thought I had either died or discovered gold in the house. That's when Inzamam fell to Khaled Mahmud and Geoffrey Boycott uttered some of my favourite words in commentary history,

"Look how short he is! But it doesn't matter because shorty's on fire!"

Just then, as a bloody anti-climax, we had a blackout. Frustrated, I went to sit on my front yard. I am pretty sure that people around the area showed up/called the hydro company and threatened to electrocute them because the power failures usually lasted about a good hour. Instead, it came back within twenty minutes. I was feeling lazy, so decided to hang out in my front yard for a few more minutes but had to run back as my I heard my neighbours scream their heads off.

Pakistan were five down.

The rest of the wickets went by very fast and I have very little recollection of them, other than intense happiness. But what felt even more amazing was the sure knowledge that my team was going to win against the stalwarts, as we waited for Saqlain Mushtaq's run out decision (he was the last wicket to fall). Bangladesh partied for a week. We had not progressed but had surely earned respect. Plus, it was a very emotional victory which you will only understand if you know the history of Bangladesh and how it was born. But I'm not going to get into that right now.

Sometime later, as match-fixing allegations unfolded, most were sure that this match was definitely fixed (I can't recall if anybody was actually found guilty), since there was no way in hell a team like Pakistan was going to lose to Bangladesh. To which I say...just stay tuned for more of my memories from Bangladesh cricket.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

T3D4: Roach problem

Okay, bad title, but honestly I couldn't be bothered to put so much thought into this. The Windies sure didn't. I thought Sulieman Benn was just being annoying. But turns out there are more than one West Indian who think it is uber cool to be all in your face and vocal when the series has already been lost. Sure the Saffers stupidly lost three wickets (what was THAT all about?), but seriously, whatever could Kemar Roach have said to Jakes in such a situation?

Roach: You stupid fatty, you think you've won the series?
Kallis: Actually we have, so why don't you just go and pretend to bowl well?
Roach: You think you are cool hammering us around and having a successful tour? Well let me tell you, there's no dignity in beating us. We suck!

Of course once again, I like both the parties involved. Kemar HAS the bowling talent to accompany his gangster attitude, he just needs to learn when to use it. And let's not get into Jacques Kallis or this post will never end.

But I still am curious as to why the Windies were behaving this way? What did they get out of it other than some hugs from AB de Villiers? (that boy will use any excuse to touch somebody)
Kallis, being the bigger man that he is (literally and figuratively, he could smash Kemar's face into flat bread anytime) sought him out to shake hands with him after...and the Roach continued to sledge him! It was kind of like trying to tell someone who dumped you that you don't think you should see each other any more i.e. pathetic.

Sulieman Benn continued to be in the picture, slyly walked passed Dale Steyn so as to not shake hands with him. Dale Steyn then received the honour of being the Man-of-the-Series and had his entire match fee taken away.

As expected everyone involved tried to downplay the situation.

Men are even more stupid than I thought.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Why Bouch got 500 dismissals


Because he has four hands and excellent control.

T3D3: Spitgate

Dale Steyn got a special albeit late birthday gift on Day 3. The gift was wrapped in anger, decorated with a mouth and went by the name of Sulieman Benn. The gift teased and taunted his team-mates and him. When Dale went to a beautiful leg-cutter by Kemar Roach, the gift laughed at the birthday boy, upon which he decided that he didn't like the gift and spat at him.

It is a serious issue, I agree. Both parties were acting like juvenile delinquents. But let's leave the seriousness to the officials shall we? And let us engage in some much needed laughter.

I always find it funny when sportsmen get upset and exchange words. It's funnier when the ones involved  are mediocre at the sport they play, which is often why they use their mouths to try and dominate instead. This is not the case here though. Benn is currently one of West Indies' most important test bowler and we all know how good Dale Steyn is. But that doesn't mean that we can't laugh at this.

Benn provoked much of it, I would say. When he starts talking he can't stop. He got overly excited when Dale came to the crease too, probably because he was sick of looking at the top of Bouchy's head. Sometimes I wonder if that's why he is so angry. Can you imagine going through life, having mostly views of bald spots, budding bald spots and dandruff? But Dale too had no business spitting at him, as funny as it was. That is disrespectful and quite a nasty thing to do. Keep your saliva where it belongs!

Both will probably be fined, but the problem is this will be Benn's millionth punishment. He chirps and riles people up, so the officials like to fine him. I don't mind him talking, he entertains me quite a bit. But I also don't want him to be banned for going overboard, because he really is crucial to the Windies right now. A bowling line up with Edwards, Taylor, Roach and Benn is a bloody exciting one!

Thankfully, for once, this wasn't the only interesting happening of the day. Much to my shock, Ashy P remained not out at 78, still didn't get his century mind you (*insert bitchy smirk here*), but he did get Bouchy run out. That is the only way I can rationalize a player getting run out in the third day of a test series when they are already leading. Benn bowled seriously well to restrict the Saffers and then his best friend Dale killed his top order.

I saw people on Cricinfo blame Benn for that too. But the truth is their batsmen were terrible,they have been terrible throughout the series and Benn, as annoying as he is, gave them a fighting chance and they blew it.

Monday, June 28, 2010

T3D2: I think oh dear isn't too dramatic

No, it's not too dramatic at all. They recovered, lost wickets, recovered and lost wickets again. Benn is being friggin' awesome and in case you haven't realized this yet, the Saffers WILL be batting last.

Why Hashim Amla is feeling the urge to be generous to spinners is beyond me. And fuck, if Paul Harris comes down as nightwatchman one more time, I am going to scream! Sure he survives the night, but then he gives his wicket promptly away the next day, like his bloody job is done. How about batting a little Paul? And if you can't, how about NOT sending him out for like half an hour the night before so he can leave on time for his ritualistic nap after breakfast. I mean what the fuck! Jacques Kallis and AB de Villiers are good enough to survive the night and bat for longer the next day. And If you absolutely HAVE to sacrifice somebody send Ashy P! Even though he is a Saffa and not Graeme Smith, I strangely have very little affection for him.

He did do well today though, him and his pal AB. The Saffers are still 6 down, with a lead of only 54. They need to make about 350 more methinks which means Bouchy and Ashy will both have to get hundreds. Or Dale will have to muster up another 86 if Ashy P decides that yet again, a fifty is all he needs to prove his worth as a batsman. With Benn determined to have his claws dug into the Saffers and the pitch turning and bouncing, I don't think that will be happening.

I don't understand why Cricinfo thinks the Saffers have edged ahead. Somebody please explain.

T3D1: Tactics

Hallelujah! The Saffers have dropped Lopsy and picked Botha instead! What a good decision! Other than the fact that he did great there is also the point that if Paul Harris can be part of a test team than the new, reformed, finally overcoming the trauma of losing his doosra Botes should DEFINITELY be a part of the Proteas test squad. Plus, I have come to the conclusion that Lopsy is a bit over-rated. Although, I have also come to the conclusion that I am judging him too early.

West Indies too have put some thought into their tactics. Maybe Chris Gayle feels like winning this one, just for kicks. They might as well end on a 'high', as I don't see anything scheduled for months to come.

Dowlin was dropped, thank fucking god! I don't really care about the Windies that much but shit this guy was an embarrassment! They still refused to pick Adrian Bharath  though and picked Dale Richards instead...again! FYI, he also sucks and has a very South African sounding name. Suspicious.

But the biggest tactic used by the Windies was confusion. Rampaul was injured so Sammy came in, much to my delight. But Sammy too succumbed to injury and was replaced by Pascal who looked into Chris Gayle's eyes too early and hence hurt his neck. All of this made way for one Brandon Bess, whose name strangely reminds me of Archie and the gang. I don't know why...

Dale Steyn also changed his tactics by wearing a heinous pair of sunglasses with white frames and having his handkerchief hang below his cap like an Arab Sheik. He looked quite disturbing. Thankfully Kemar Roach stuck to his tactics by being wonderful and fast.

Fidel Edwards and Jerome Taylor also stuck to their tactics by being injured and absent, which made me very upset. How long do we have to wait to see Morkel & Steyn go up against Edwards & Taylor?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Warding off injuries

I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.

Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.

P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Have a read

Ian Chappell wrote a piece on Cricinfo regarding ODI's. It was the title that caught my eyes:


My feelings exactly. It has some new perspectives. Like this one:

There's only one reason to play cricket and that's to win the contest. You won't always achieve that pleasing result but players will have fun trying if the captain strives to make the contest interesting. When a fielding captain's mind is clouded with negativity, the game can become tedious, and if spectators feel that way, then spare a thought for the fielders. At least the fan can go to the bar or, in the worst case, get up and go home; the player has to stay on the field and endure his punishment. 

And this one:

The administrators can't legislate to make players better or captains more imaginative; it's immaterial if you play 40 or 50 overs a side, or split the innings in two halves, or play a two-innings limited-overs game. If one team is vastly superior to the other and one captain is desperate to win and the other is hoping he doesn't lose too badly, then two things are assured: the result will quickly be a foregone conclusion and the game will lose any semblance of excitement at about the same time. 

Click on the link to read the rest of it. It's worth your time.

T2D5: Planned assassination

During the course of this final day several people died. Some may have chosen to end their life, others died of natural boredom, but most died while trying out some dangerous sports to see if they could still feel excitement.

The Saffers and Windies would be held responsible for this mass murders except the people mentioned above didn't actually watch the game, they died just hearing about it.

Sulieman Benn let us know through twitter that he was glad that it was over. AB de Villiers ignored it completely and talked about Bafana Bafana. He may have mentioned that it was a long day somewhere but I wasn't interested. It was a long day for me too, as I caught a full five minutes of the game. My favourite part was the first three minutes of those five when it was lunch time and I stared at a footage of the pitch with people walking around.

Secretly, I commend these two teams' ability to focus and concentrate through such a day. But secrets must be kept to oneself, so I won't.

Just in case you were holding your breath, it was an exciting draw. I know, what a shocker!

T2D4: Suggestions

Let's make a team of all tail-enders and make the Saffers play against them. Because clearly, they need the practice. Barbie, Swannyg66, Rampaul, Benn, Mahmudullah, Mushfiq...hell let's even put Mohammad Asif in this team! The Saffers will be obligated to play this lot at least twice a year.

It seems that the Saffers are so busy studying the real batsmen, they forget that after all of them come those who in theory should succumb to their bowling like mosquitoes to DDT. And thus, the Saffers have become the team against whom tailenders test their abilities to be 'all-rounders'. Some may also think that they are genuine all-rounders (FYI, Mahmudullah is the real all-rounder amongst those I named) thanks to the Saffa bowlers. Because of all the fancy shit they try against the Rampauls and the Benns, all the batsmen have to do is stick their bat out and it goes for a boundary. It is a mockery! Not to mention a mockery of supposedly the deadliest fast bowling combination in the world right now, Morkel and Steyn.

I say supposedly because this combination has only clicked for two tests. These two have every skill to get rid of the supposedly but their greatness will have to include bowling at the bloody stumps and getting rid of the bloody tail-enders! Rid the world of fake all-rounders, treat them like non-batsmen...because that's exactly what they are! Don't be a disgrace to Donald-Pollock and Pollock-Ntini guys!

My other suggestion is that we should build Mark Boucher a throne, pick up a crown from Burger King and make Tim Paine, Kamran Akmal and Kieswetter dance around him.

Monday, June 21, 2010

T2D3: Hello ICC, too many runs!

Where is the ICC when you need them? I mean, where are they? Why aren't they following this match like the other five people who are planning their days, nights, dinners, dates around this? Three days, five centuries and three half centuries. One of whom belonged to Deonarine, the man who is giving Ashy P good competition as the worst test opener. When a deodrant makes runs, you KNOW the pitch is suspect.

Why am I complaining? Wasn't I the one whining about the Windies having no spirit a few days ago? Yes I was! But I meant they should show spirit and still roll over to the Saffa bowlers. AND I DON'T SEE THEM ROLLING OVER. That doesn't make me happy.

What is up with Shiv? Why are you finding form all of a sudden? Sure, you are one of my favourite Windies players but honey, this century business is getting a bit tedious. I mean, three people did it before you in this match alone! Do you really want to follow trends? You should stand out, bat like crap! Give Paul Harris your wicket! Oh wait, that's trendy too.

And then there was one more century by Nash too! But I won't bitch about that too much, his mommy might come after me.

If the Saffers don't take wickets tomorrow, this is heading for a draw. The Saffers drew their last two test series and frankly I've had enough. Sure, the chances of the Windies winning the last one are about as high as Bangladesh winning the world cup but I was promised a 3-0 whitewash and that's what I want. I would take my team winning over a bloody exciting series any day!

Wouldn't you?

T2D2: Attack of the toilet paper

I thought that the highest level of boredom had been reached during Trott's 200 against Bangladesh. I was wrong. Boredom had such a strong hold on every minute of this test, that even the players got bored.

Smithy set his eyes on 200 and then realized that even a double wasn't worth the torture. Kallis did the same. Most will say that it was the 200 that evaded him, but we say that he evaded the 200. Because he is Jacques Kallis and he can.

Then AB took control of the situation. Not only the cricket, the entertainment part too. AB is a born entertainer, he can play the guitar and everything. It was his time to shine, his time to provide the highlight of the day. He brought up his hundred with a beautiful four and a even more stunning six. But that wasn't enough to make people happy. So AB went to the toilet.

Everybody watched him run away. Some thought Graeme had declared, others thought AB was going to celebrate his hundred by sliding near the ropes, in true football style. Chris Gayle took a seat in the grasses, Mark Boucher stood next to the umpire with his helmet off- for clear view. The cameras focused on the green door through which AB had just disappeared.

Unable to control his curiosity any longer, Paul Harris walked in through the green doors. Perhaps AB needed help, perhaps AB was planning his next album and would give Harro a single; perhaps, AB was going to reveal to him the secrets of using the toilet.

As everybody found out just how much time AB de Villiers spends in the toilet, AB came striding out, a relieved man. The drama didn't end there my friends. Out of nowhere a toilet paper roll came and hit AB on the shoulder. To further add to our joy, it got stuck in AB spikes and he had to stop from his skip to the crease to take it out and toss it to the nearest Saffa. I hear the toilet paper roll will be sold on ebay.

This roll of white, soft toilet paper was touched by AB the entertainer. We thank thee for relieving yourself and us of the cricket.

T2D1: Let's keep you interested

Game 1: Take the Windies bowling attack and stuff them all in a box. Make sure they are packed tightly. Then go eat something. After walk around and stumble upon the box like you didn't expect it to be there. Look around nervously, approach it cautiously and then open it bravely. All the bowlers will spring out and hopefully surprise you. If they succeed, it will be the only time the Windies bowlers have had any tricks up their sleeves. If not, pack them in tighter.

Game 2: Count how many strands of hair Hashim Amla has in his beard. Oh wait, you don't have enough time because the only Saffa to stand tall to Indian spinners in India is all of a sudden struggling against some Shane Shillingford. Hashim honey, this ain't the original Shane. He is much fatter and cheated on his wife. So buck up and own the bastard. This is the easiest batting practice you are going to get during an actual match anyway.

Game 3: Conceptualize a support group for Gordon Greenidge, Viv Richards, Walsh, Ambrose, Lara...basically any West Indian that has the misfortune of calling themselves the past of this team. Please include heavy drinking and lots of abuse in the agenda. (Note: that guy screaming from the sidelines during the games will come handy when deciding on the abuses)

Game 4: Congratulate Graeme Smith on making 70000 runs. Here's the hard part, to win in this game you will have to convince Biffy to remain in the team as a batsman and a batsman only.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Play Bangladesh

On Bored

Winning plans

1) West Indies: Plan to challenge the Saffers at football instead and infiltrate their team with girls.


P.S: Sid, did Ricky and gang shave Biffy's hair?

2) AB de Villiers: Plan to stand and watch Mark Boucher work his abs off and still take his spot in the squad...possibly because of that winning smile.


3) Me: I plan to laugh at the Windies when they still lose to the Saffers and hold AB down so Bouch can continue to keep wicketsfor South Africa. Just in tests and ODI's. AB can have his T20 spot, we don't care about that.

We do care about Bouch's missing tooth though. We want it back AB, we want it back now!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

T1D5: JP shows up

As the team rested on Day 5, hard working JP does his bit to make sure he makes it back to the test side. Most of it includes having to spend time with Biff during his favourite hobby-eating.

Spare a thought for the boy. Working your way back to the team is never easy. Specially when acting is also one of your skills.

T1D4: Sunday is a day of emotions

It started with Jakes getting mad when his LBW decision stood because no shot was offered and hit an imaginary umpire out of the park with his bat. It didn't stop there. Later on he threw the ball at Sulie Benn's stumps and sang a song to him in his own little way. It was more than we have seen from Jakes throughout his whole career. Methinks he was just feeling the heat on his head as his coverage of keratin have moved closer to the back of his neck. They are on a journey, a great mission to discover whether Jakes has a neck. It would make anybody emotional.

Gayle then hit AB on his ankles and smiled. One would figure that only violence would bring a smile on that man's face. But it wasn't a case of battery. It was more a case of 'your room-mate likes me too much and that makes me uncomfortable'. Unfortunately for Gayle, the threat didn't work and Morne still got his wicket. AB de Villiers was more in pain after that wicket because there are still two more tests to go. Gayle rushed from the crease in case Morne decided to actually give him a hug.

Ashy P, fresh from his fifty and cementing his spot in the test team yet again (I know, I know, he was only ever going to be dropped in my head but the bastard better keep making runs because I have been known to make things in my head come true) did a jig. It got the commentators so excited that they kept on talking about it till the t.v. guys were forced to show the whole jig. I am most certain that the real emotion amongst all this was boredom as West Indies headed to an inevitable loss.

All in all, a highly unusual day. Okay, not really. There was nothing unpredictable about it and this is exactly how the rest of the series will go as well.

Let's just hope Alviro gets five wickets in the same over and Smith bowls more often just to draw some emotions from us.

T1D3: Finally on the playground

Today there was no footy to follow, well at least there were no interesting games. So today the Saffers were going to actually play.

Only, Morne being the naughty kid dominated the playground in the morning. He didn't want to let anyone else play, specially the West Indies. Sometimes Boucher got to hold the ball for placing himself directly behind the stumps and sometimes Smith got the honour, because the ball just could not escape his fat hands. I am like every parent who refuse to acknowledge their kids as adults. Just replace kid with Buffalo and adult with thin.

Dale, being the jealous little boy that he is, refused to be shoved out of the limelight. He gave up wrestling wild animals in the jungles for this for fuck's sakes! So he forced himself in the game and very nicely forced Chanderpaul to play as well. Mind you, it's one of the rare times any West Indian played.

Morne grimaced. Dwayne Bravo was the casualty of that grimace.

After, Dale had two choices:
a) grab the rest of the wickets with the specific intention of denying Morne his fifer
b) grab the rest of the wickets for fun with the indirect intention of denying Morne his fifer

He went with (b) because he doesn't have enough fifers in the bag. It's really quite frustrating for a bowler of Dale's calibre. He also went with (b) because Morne is lovely shed of red when taunted, makes for a nice Valentines Day cake. But we didn't care, West Indies was the real loser in this catfight.

However, the joke was on us just as we were preparing for a sequel to the catfight and Fatty and Alviro came down the stairs instead of enforcing the follow on. Apparently AB picked Dale up in celebration a few too many times and in return Dale picked up some niggles. Morne was also slapped hard in the ass by the Buffalo at some point, so you can imagine that the boys were in no condition to bowl.

I was pissed and blamed it on Biff, like most of you I am sure. I am a believer of democracy.

West Indies decided not to come to the playground at all.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

T1D2: Behind the scenes

'Why do we have to play!" said AB de Villiers. "Bafana Bafana is about to take on Mexico, our country is making history! I am not playing!"

'What the fuck you whining about? Jakes and I are batting. You can sit and watch the fucking game!", barked Paul Harris.

Subtitutes Ryan McLaren and Johan Botha smirked in their Bafana Bafana jerseys. They didn't have to play at all.

The footy started and everybody was glued to their blackberries, Iphones, smart phones...all hiding underneath their chairs. After all, there was a huge sign outside the dressing room that prohibited the usage of any sort of cellular device. Thus, it took Paul some time to find them when he had returned from the field.

"AB, AB, I am out. You gotta go out there. AB! Get your ass out there!"

AB left in a huff, all the while planning to get out soon so he can go back to the game. But Shillingford hit Jacques in the pad first.

"Appeal it! I am sure it was not out. Stay Jakes stay! You can get a hundred against these bowlers", AB tried to convince Jacques.

"Nah, I wanna see the first goal of the World Cup. Bye!" Jakes ran off.

Reassuringly, Prince informed AB that it was still 0-0.

"Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. But hey, can you please, please stay with me out here? I need to let the selectors know that the only reason I sucked against the Poms was because I was made to open. So be my support while I make a fifty. Everybody will know how good I am then!"

Only when Ashy P hit his fifty, Bafana Bafana had just scored. So no one really saw it. Ashy P didn't know this because the dressing room was jumping up and down with joy. Poor guy thought the celebration was for him.

Once he had proven his point, he too got sick of missing the game and left to join the guys in the dressing room. AB soon followed. Mark was thinking of doing the same, but Dale informed him that Mexico had tied.

The dressing room assumed that Mark Boucher was being Mark Boucher and saving their asses and Dale was winging it like crazy. Nobody looked up, till the cleaning guy came by and found sixteen Saffas underneath sixteen chairs, being appalled by France's defence.

"You guys can go home now, the match is over. I mean your match", he said.

"Oh!", said Graeme. "Aww look, just to be safe, let me tweet about us watching the highlights later at night so no one knows okay boys?"

As they walked off, the cleaning guy muttered, "Mon, some people did see your top order batting.."

T1D1: Behind the scenes

As it poured like a bitch outside, here's what happened inside. Benn and Gayle got along.

It wasn't easy. Gayle had just lost yet another toss to Graeme Smith and Benn was still pissed from being ejected off the ground in the fourth ODI. There was tension. Gayle put on this shades and pretended to not look at Benn while sizing him up and down. Benn stared blatantly. He didn't need no shades, his powers were in his eyes.

At one point Gayle opened his mouth and said, "We gotta get along meaning you gotta fucking do what I tell you to, and get me wickets".

To which Benn replied, "Remember Brad Haddin? I'll smash you to his height if you fucking ask me to leave the ground again".

Gayle: "You do realize I have a super duper chest?"

Benn: "You do realize I am your key bowler?"

Gayle: "How?"

Benn: "We are playing the Saffers and I am the spinner".

Gayle thought for a moment. Then out of nowhere, he flung himself at Benn and started punching him. Benn was not to be taken down so easily though. He fought back, kicking Gayle face repeatedly with his long legs. It did little to bring Gayle down but Benn didn't give in. Chairs flung everywhere, windows were smashed, it was utter chaos.

(In the dressing room next door the Saffers engaged in a meditation hour lead by Jacques Kallis and Hashim Amla, meaning they were essentially asleep in a yoga pose).

Then the umpires signalled for game time and Benn and Gayle had to stop. No one had won. But they were playing the Saffers and Benn was the spinner. Shane Shillingford was also a spinner but who could trust some player with such an un-West Indian like name. So they shook hands and decided to get along.

Eventually there was some cricket and Shane Shillingford struck, twice. But it didn't matter because Benn too had gotten a wicket, a crucial wicket.

Chris Gayle curved half his face into a smile.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Dancing Bowler

I have a soft corner for Sreesanth. Everytime, and I mean everytime, I have writer's block or no material to write about, Sreesanth crops up.

For instance, this latest quote on Crapinfo:

" Everybody knows I can dance well and I can bowl fast too. There are only a few bowlers who can do that "
-Sreesanth knows he has a rare combination of talents

How those lovely words found each other and in under what circumstances, I do not know. But I am not a journalist and always happy to make up shit. So here is the real story.

Darling Sreesanth was recently fired from his job as captain of the Kerala cricket team. Further, he was not informed by the Kerala Cricket Association (KCA), but rather heard it from friends. This upset Sree tremendously but KCA is so immune to his tantrums (I am assuming there have been others) that they are not bothered. So Sreesanth is thinking about quitting Kerala, which might mean anything from moving from the state itself to just never playing for their cricket team. Either way, the loss is Kerala's because...everbody knows Sree can dance well and bowl fast too. There are only a few bowlers who can do that.

KCA are so thick-headed and uninsightful that they cannot spot this rare gem of a player. Dancing is such a criticial skill to have when you want you are bowling a bouncer at 150kph. Why else would Darren Gough be the winner of Strictly Come Dancing and Juan Theron put Shilpa Shetty to shame on the IPL dance floors? Rumour has it that even has a police officer, Shane Bond pursued his dancing career and if you dig a little deeper, you are sure to find out that Allan Donald was the first winner of So you think you can Dance.

He probably has the essential skills to be a good captain too, but only Sree knows what they are. Maybe he will reveal it to us through yet another quote right before he actually does leave Kerala:

"Everybody knows I can be emotional and I can be a good captain too. There are only a few cricketer that can do that".
-Sreesanth knows he is a rare combination of every joker in this world. 

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Zimbabwe Tri-series

When India and Sri Lanka landed in Zimbabwe, they were told that they had only come to put themselves on display while the Zimbabwean cricketers do some job shadowing. You know, so they can build their skills and put it in their resumes for the other cricket nations to review and decide whether they want to play against them. Except, the Indians and Lankans were so bad at their own profession that the Zimbabweans decided to stop the shadowing and do their work for them. And what a fine job they did! 

I don't care if both the teams are missing key players and Dilshan is captaining Sri Lanka. Even an Indian or Sri Lankan second stream team should be able to beat Zimbabwe. Simply because no matter how inadequate the development phase of cricket is in these two countries, they can't be worse than the politicially motivated Zimbabwe. Yet, Zimbabwe have managed to produce players that can whoop Sri Lankan and Indian ass. Comfortably too.

Also, how about the fact that neither India nor Sri Lanka have sent their second strings to Zimbabwe? They just sent experimental teams, without their stars. And most of those lab rats have played in the first XI. I don't know how to exactly describe them. Err...oh yes! India and Sri Lanka after the retirement of Tendulkar, Sehwag, Sangakara and Mahela! Big, bright future boys!

I also don't care if this is only Zimbabwe and nobody is watching. Here's why: will this go down to the records? Yes it will. Will everybody know that India got knocked out by Zimbabwe in a tri-series? Yes they will. Will the Zimbabweans celebrate like mad and consider this a succesful tour (specially if they win today)? Yes they will. Will there be a trophy involved? Yes there will. So guess what? IT MATTERS. Even if you were involved in a tri-series with Afghanistan it matters.

They are putting their all in it. Why the fuck won't you? Oh, because you are India and Sri Lanka. You have been doing is for a while now. God forbid you should take a tri-series in Zimbabwe seriously. You have ICC rankings for fuck's sakes

I don't know about you but I can't wait for the final game today. Of course, now that I have written about Zimbabwe there is a 99.99% chance that they will lose.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Happy days are here again!

Have you heard that Rudi Koertzen is all set to retire? I'll be honest with you, I never thought I'd live to see the day.

No more random decisions, no more wishing 'What if Rudi hadn't been on the field today?', no more broken television sets.

The heavens have blessed us.

But let's not be too mean to the man. Let us give him a proper tribute and state one reason why we hate Bloody Rudi.

It goes like this, start with 'I hate Rudi because...' and then insert your reason. You may also want to insert your reason up Rudi's dark places, but unfortunately, that is not a facility I can provide you with. However, I can provoke you with this:


Let me begin the tribute.

I hate Rudi because he smiles like he knows shit. Yeah Rudi, that's exactly what you know...shit!

Over to you.

West Indies Losers XI

I think it's time to infest West Indies with players who are not West Indian. Why? Do you even need to ask that question?

The real question is, where should we import these players from? I say we get perennial losers from any cricket playing country and make them Honourary West Indian citizens like Herschelle Gibbs and Michael Hayden. Then make them play for the team. I can garauntee you that this lot will win more games than the current bunch.

So without further ado, I give you the West Indies Losers XI:

1) Darren Sammy: He's not really a loser. In fact, with that face and that fearless attitude, he is always a winner in my books, but he is also a good leader of losers as proven by his current efforts. Sammy is really the only West Indian trying to win any matches for his stupid maroon team.

2) Dwayne Bravo: See above.

3) Nathan Bracken: Poor guy is a loser by association, with Cricket Australia that is. Any other team in the world would have ignored his Keira Knightley look and put the bugger in their test team. But not Cricket Australia. They would rather keep him hanging till he fades away. They would also rather pay for Brett Lee's numerous injuries. Brave Nathan continues to look for new opportunities and then the doctors tell him he needs another operation on his knee! Loser's luck indeed.

4) Imran Nazir: What high hopes one had for this lovely opener, although the same can be said for most Pakistani cricketers. Regardless, Imran had the agression, the cover drive and the fielding to be a regular in the team. But then he played  a couple of tests...and now he is just a 28 years old with a double chin who is only called for the national side as an afterthought.

5) Monty Panesar: In order to feel bad for Monty, I need to make space in my heart by getting out my real feelings for him...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I find his situation wonderfully funny. Yet another promising English bowler replaced the minute he hits bad form. He too is 28 with a double chin, but these days with Swann (UGH!) and numerous other young spinners in the horizon, poor ol' Monty isn't even an afterthought. Again, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

6) Dinesh Karthik: Who likes Dinesh Karthik? Do you like Dinesh Karthik? Do I like Dinesh Karthik? Does Dinesh Karthik's mother like Dinesh Karthik? See, I've mentioned his name one too many times and your face is already taking a disapproving shape. He is everywhere: keeping, a batting, fielding, captaining, preventing Sachin from getting a century...but it gets him nowhere. He's just one of those losers that we know is in his rightful place and refuse to let him leave LoserVille. May his lifetime membership continue, in maroon, doing a little bit of everything with the Windies.

7) Ireland: Pick any player, they have all been forced to live in LoserVille, sadly. They do not belong there at all and I for one would like to see them storm the ICC headquarters, confiscate all their adult diapers and threaten to shred them into pieces unless they receive a test status.

8) Martin Guptill: Why the fuck this person got any sort of nomination and recognition is beyond me. He has played in 30 ODI's and has a stunning average of 36.46. He's scored 948 runs so far...122 of them came in the SAME GAME. We will pardon him for his equally woeful test average because he's played in only 11 of them but what's all the hype about? Till I see it Martin darling, you are a loser.

9) Lance Klusener: How this breaks my heart! How it kills me! I feel like dolling up and doing a full Elizabeth Taylor-esque tragic scene when I hear his name. He got shafted by a BUFFALO! Sure, he was in crap form during that period but he was dropped because the young captain, who hadn't even secured a spot in the team, thought Zulu was disruptive and a bad influence. He never returned. He is a loser purely because of circumstances.

10) Mohammad Ashraful: Please don't ask and please don't defend him. If you would like to defend him, your team can have him.

11) Shane Watson: Because no losers team is complete without him.