101 reasons why I like the Kiwis

I've been trying to figure out why I like the Kiwis so much. Apart from the fact that they have Daniel Vettori and are basically neutral like Switzerland I mean. So I was reading up on them when it suddenly struck me.

New Zealand is considered by many to be a state of Australia.
Canada is called the 51st American state.
Truth is, We are both a million times better than our neighbours.

That was reason number three.

The Kiwis always surprise people with their cricket. We never look at them and say, 'this team is so fucking talented they will rule the world one day'. Then they thrash India by 200 runs.

That is a huuuuge margin. Even bigger considering three of their top players and match-winners were all absent. Vettori is apparently in labour, Jesse Ryder is still drunk and Baz is probably at sea, in a quest to truly find his calling.

That is reason number four.

Reason number five is IOB. Enough said.

Then there are others, like Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Shane Bond and of course Stephen Fleming. Stephen Fleming alone can be reason number nine to a hundred. And because of his awesome performance I will now add Daryl Tuffey to that list.

Reason number hundred and one.

Strangely, by the end of this list I have also managed to come up with a reason I like India: they gave Dhoni grey hair.

Or maybe it was the wife.

Let the losing begin

Alright, lost against India, won against Afghanistan. So far, exactly how I had predicted. Good, good. Although if you thought that was a good performance from the Saffers, look again. They lost a lot of wickets. Of course, credit should be given to the Afghans because Hamid Hassan is a fucking awesome bowler and Nabi, well Nabi can bowl a doosra!

The bowling was amazing, but let's not get carried away. Afghanistan's batting isn't really all that great. Short means out. Every single time.And Morne bowls short. Every single time. Think the sumo won't send those balls to South Africa? Think again.

Also, spare a thought for the other Morkel. His balls are sent to the heavens even when he is bowling against Afghanistan. I hope Albie's child has officially abandoned all hopes of becoming an all-rounder. Especially if he is about to get bowling lessons from his dad. Won't matter anyway. Ever generation of batsmen will be taught that the Albie man can bat sometimes, but can't bowl for shit. Hit him and his decendants into oblivion.

The Saffers did kill today but still managed to embarrass themselves in the process. They lost wickets regularly, they had a fabulous start and then allowed the tail to make runs. It's their tradition and they are very big on tradition, them Saffa boys.

Next they meet the Kiwis, Pakistan and England. I'm assuming they will uphold the tradition. Problem is, these teams are not Afghanistan, although Laden probably has family living in two of those countries. They are either good at T20 or have beaten the Saffers in limited overs cricket pretty solidly before. Unless the Saffers have figured out how to play Afridi and Ajmal (which is not bound to happen till my great-grand children are on this earth) or how to contain Eoin Morgan (yeah right!), be prepared for a Saffa exit.

Okay fine, I won't be so negative. The Saffers will go through to the semis and lift the cup amidst fireworks and that dramatic song they play in the beginning of all the matches! Then I will fall in love with the Buffalo and we will produce lots of babies who will all captain South Africa, one by one.

Oh, and Laden will dance at our wedding.

Short and Sweet

During the Kiwi vs Aus game, I was having a conversation with a friend. It went like this,

"Where is Scott Styris? Why the fuck are all these Franklins and Brooms batting ahead of him when the required run rate is 6 and over and MICHAEL CLARKE is bowling?"

Then Scott Styris arrived. And the Kiwis won a game without Vettori, Elliot and Sumo Ryder. Against their next door neighbour. You know the one with the unbeaten summer? Hasn't lost an ODI since England? Yeah them.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now all the Black Caps need to do is keep it together for two more games and hand the Aussies their first series loss since summer in the Northern Hemisphere. I am really looking forward to that. Where the hell are the Aussies going to keep another trophy anyway? I swear they have a storage room at CA headquarters where a heap of dusty trophies that they don't care about, are lying around. Like the Natwest Trophy, after they beat England 6-1. Or that trophy they got in India. What was that one called? "It's such a long series the trophy got tired of waiting and burst into flames".

(P.S: Ricky took the ashes home)

In other news, Bangladesh came very close to winning the second ODI but the Irishman offered them alcoholic pleasures. So they decided to let the little one trample them with his tiny feet.

And you thought this post was going to have a sweet ending. Well, so did I!

Business minded

Since none of you have kindly pointed it out, I will say it myself.

I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.

I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.

I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.

But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.

Wanted: A groin for Jesse

Groin must be wide enough to fit client, whose girth is of infinite size.

Groin must have the correct amount of rigidity mixed with a dash of flexibility as client's girth is exanding like the universe.

Groin must be peach in colour, to match his flushed complexion. If client has successfully managed to stay more than an hour on the field, the groin must have the ability to darken in colour as much blood is required to supply the excessive fat in client's body.

If playing in the IPL, client might go berserk with the bat. Groin must then be taut, for at least twelve runs per over.

Groin cannot plant the desire to run in client. He will never make it to the other end anyway. Why bother?

If you have such a groin please contact 1-888-Jesse-is-just-pleasantly-plump. Thank you.

Bad news

Graeme Smith is thin children. Look, he even drinks diet coke.

I had kept on making jokes about his weight till now because I was unsure. But with the diet coke so aptly placed next to his...I'll say it, flat stomach (*boohoo*), who can deny his weight loss?

What now? How will I go through life without his sausage fingers? Jesse Ryder's injured and Kandambi, I like. Yuvi is too easy a target.

Another bad news is that Barbie's shorts are too short and you will now have to behold this horrendous sight.

I apologise. But think of all those people who had to see it up close and personal and bear it for them. Do it for the English player that has to sleep in the same hotel room as Barbie. Do it for mankind.

Again, very sorry.

Happy Holidays!

I should probably share with you the letters the rest of the teams have written to Santa and I will. But not today.

Today I am wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy cricket loving in general. I will also share with you a secret, one that I was supposed to take to my grave but couldn't because you all deserve to know the truth.

Santa Claus is actually Jesse Ryder in a suit. So if he is stumbling through your chimney tonight and knocking on your door to ask for whiskey instead of milk, don't be surprised. But do pelt him with cricket balls on my behalf.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

Tan tan tannnn

Just trying to build up some excitement for the finals with suspense music from those 1950's horror movies. When the girl with the multiple candles comes out of her bedroom to investigate the noise outside (which I think is the dumbest thing anyone can do), and the camera shows Frankenstein hiding right behind the door. The girl turns around to see Franky reaching for her and lets out a blood curling scream....and blackout.

Sorry, haven't seen a good horror movie in a while so making up my own. Okay, finals! Australia versus New Zealand finals! How often do we see that? Yet, I get this feeling people are not excited about it. WAKE UP CRICKET WORLD! It's a good thing. Australia are for once unstable in a final match and the Kiwis, well they just defied all odds.

If you are thinking about the semis and comparing the English bowlers to the Kiwis you should be ashamed of yourself.

I am with the Kiwis all the way. I hope they keep up their fighting spirit and make a good match out of it. And I am ordering the rain clouds to stay away.

If the match were a horror movie, Time Paine would be the girl and Jesse Ryder would play the part of Franky. Paine would be holding the candles to get a better look and Ryder would knock his front teeth out with his bat. It's the only time I would have supported Ryder. But only because I am a fan of Franky.

Broad down, none to go

Nobody realized that every player I dislike has been injured during the course of the Champions Trophy. I tried to give hints. I said it on KK's site. I even put up a complete list of injuries (before Clarke, Ryder and Broad) and people still didn't put it together.

Go read the comments section. I admitted to injuring Yuvraj and said Ryder was next on the list. Who was the next to go? Ryder. Then KK asked me to injure Broad.

Who has been injured now?

Stuart Broad. More specifically, Stuart Broad's left buttocks. I did it for my friends. I am loyal like that.

Although I must admit that I was not looking to injure that particular area. I was just chasing him with a knife,wearing a mask. He tripped over Tim Bresnan and Graeme Swann, doing something naughty in the dark, and landed on top of Jimmy. Who bit him, thinking he was a tall box of golden, crispy fries. That tightness that he is complaining about, it's Jimmy's plaques. They tend to hold on like bitches.

Still don't believe me? Here:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/cricket/2661969/Broad-injury-is-tush-and-go.html

No need to thank me.I know, you are "tushed". I can't blame you. I am a lovely person after all.

New Zealand heard us

They tried guys. They won against Sri Lanka to give the Saffers a chance. We messed it up big time.

Somebody scored 74 runs off 58 balls and gave Ryder the credit. The real Jesse was sitting down and chilling under the sun.

See?

Dan was impressive with both the ball and the bat. As is customary of him in this current Kiwi side. I wonder how many M-O-M awards Dan has. Hopefully enough to buy a new team :P.

Although some of the bowlers showed up today as well. Other than 007. More like 00 fullstop. The Kiwis need to find a new fast bowler. Seriously. It's high time.

Dilshan nearly killed their chances, as he is the lone Lankan assassin. Jayawardene wanted in on the action but couldn't save the match. Koolboy Kula also contributed. I was saddened by Kandambi's failure however. He should always score big. Just as a birth-right kind of thing.

I am really sorry I didn't wake up at 3am to watch this match. I haven't watched a brilliant NZ performance in a long time. I just hope they do the same on Tuesday to avenge South Africa. If they do, I'll write something nice about Ryder. I promise!

Well done India!

I thought the Indians were FANTASTIC! I mean, a Sumo wrestler scored 57 runs against them despite having all that fat to weigh him down. There had to be help from the bowlers. And that beautiful collapse! From 58 for 0 to 135 for 7. That ladies and gentlemen is skills. Real skills.

Oh, did you know the last three wickets fell for two runs? That's it boys. Keep it cheap. We are in the middle of a recession after all!

Anybody who finds me a video of this beautiful game will get money. Loads and loads of money. Money that you will be able to make a mattress out of.

(Too cool to give a rats ass about a warm-up match are we? So cool that even a humiliating defeat can't faze us.)

India lost by 103 runs. Can we give them a standing ovation?

Warm up: India vs New Zealand

I have a busy day but I had to post this.

New Zealand made 301 against India.

The same New Zealand that lost to the Warriors, a team that hasn't won anything in the last 6 years.

It's irrelevant that Ryder and Guptill both made 50's while Dan made 17.

My love for the Kiwis has begun to rekindle. They better not bowl horrendously and let India win this.

I can already see the Indian team making excuses about this being just a warm-up and Sachin, Gambhir etc. not playing.

India lost to NZ in the T20 WC warm-up match and crashed out.

Yes it's not the same thing. But we can still hope can't we?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA India.

Cricket Hell

I mentioned it in my last post and it got me thinking. What would a cricket hell be like? I came up with a few things.

Location:
Has to be a sound proof, armour door room in Lalit Modi's home. It can only be accessed through a secret passageway through his bedroom. The password for the passage is 'shake your money maker'.

Attractions (Note: The following is for commercial purposes only. There are no guarantees in real life)
-Brett Lee's band Six and Out. They will wake you up every morning with their hit single 'can't catch and can't bowl'. After which you are free to hit Brett Lee for ever picking up a guitar.

-Live commercials by Dhoni. He will appear three times a day to sell Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. If you were a fat cricketer then he will sell Tea as well.

-Comedy performances by KP, Andrew McDonald and Ashish Nehra. KP will praise the Queen in his South African accent and Nehra will lose in a catching competition with a 2 year old. McDonald will just show his face.

-Free health checkups by Shoaib Akhtar. No, this is not optional.

-Workouts with Jesse Ryder. WARNING: May involve a Royal Rumble with Rikishi.

-Dating tips from Shane Warne. Demonstrated by AB and Morne for continuing to remain single despite having hoards of girls after them. Very suspicious behaviour.

You have to come. It will be much better than the snake biting, fire burning cave ruled by the Red dude.