Joke's on you, India

Mumbai Indians are a strange team. People who follow them consist of those that think that they are the best team in the world and those who viciously try to prove that they are over-rated. One suspects that people's reasoning for thinking that Mumbai are the best team in the world because they have Sachin. Of course all logic fails afterwards, so we will not elaborate.

One also suspects that haters hate Mumbai because of their fans. This by all means is a gross generalization. My research sample is completely biased and most of it is just good old fashioned intuition. But that is what makes the joke funnier.

Amongst all these: the lovers and the haters, the fanatics and the sworn enemies, one factor continues to remain overlooked. It is this factor that makes me laugh out loud because it actually affects both parties. I dislike Mumbai immensely (despite the on and off presence of Shaun Pollock in the team) because of this factor.The factor is Harbhajan Singh.

Durby plays for Mumbai and India. Durby is often considered an important weapon for both his teams. Durby consistently gives a 'meh' if not disgustingly inadequate performance for both the teams. Mumbai Indian fuels this inadequacy, as Durby is rarely replaced but always cherished...just like in team India. All this limited overs exposure means Durbhajan Singh Durby, is sure to be in World Cup squad.

Mumbai Indians recently lost a match they had already won because Durby thinks his bowling is acceptable.
Most haters and lovers of Mumbai Indians are Indians themselves.
India are one of the hosts of the 2011 World Cup.

You see why I am laughing at them?

10 ways to avoid getting dumped

1) Orange screws up all brains, avoid orange at all costs.

2) When she makes a move and comes flying towards you, catch her. Dropping her on the ground will just, I don't know...piss her off and kill her.

3) When the hot mistress is on the bench and your world is spinning, don't go for the idiot (albeit a slightly adorable one) who doesn't do spin. Let the hot mistress in when the time is right.

4) Just because you paid the Australian to screw up and make you look good, doesn't mean that he won't come back and grab your girl.

5) Never trust a girl you stole from your bitter rival.

6) If you must throw her like a dart, at least pretend to be good at dart-throwing.

7) Don't send a dart-throwing gigolo to do a lover's job.

8) When picking your strategy, remember that hard and fast doesn't always work.

9) Having only one asset is an error because once the asset is gone, it is the end.

10) Just because you are in top form most of the time, does not mean she will not ditch you when you screw up. So try not to make a mistake till you have her hundred percent, and even after.

Seriously?

Those of you who watched Gilly and Gibbs bat will be saying the same thing.

Seriously?

There was once a 80 something year old woman crossing the street with groceries, shuffling quickly so she could reach the other end  before the sign changed. She moved faster than Deccan's scoreboard in the whole match.

Seriously.

Ideally, these two players would not have played in the semis. But they did because Gilly is the captain and you can't drop the captain for bad form (But honestly, you should be allowed to in important matches!) and Gibbsy got a game purely because of his big-match kaboom reputation. It was a stinky, big-match kapoop performance.

Chennai bowled exceptionally well, but Deccan batted like cripples who have been further hindered by the neighbour's dogs latching onto their backside. Behind every unsuccessful Deccan batsman, there is a giant fucking labrador.

Seriously.

Now, Chennai are in the finals facing Mumbai and I am miserable. I dislike both teams and want neither to win. But if I HAD to pick (because of the same ass-grabbing labradors), I would go for Chennai. It was simply a case of who I hate more, Durby or teams that dress like Australians. Turns out Durby takes the cake. A big one. Smack on his face.

Unfortunately, I am cursed so this means Mumbai will win and I will frown ever so slightly because really, the best part of this IPL final is the fact that the T20 WC starts in seven days. IPL is O-V-E-R.

Seriously.

Naked men

Deccan may yet go to the semis, thanks to RCB, so they celebrate by having a big pool party. Because they are a good disciplined team, they swim in a line or rather stare at the camera in a line, keeping their captain in the centre. Except for Roy, who as expected, breaks away from the rest and breaks out into a dance. He is semi-naked and has a less than attractive backside, but his dancing is nearly perfect.

Meanwhile, RCB work hard in the nets to make sure they win their game against the fat and twat Royals tomorrow. I will be supporting them of course. I want both my teams in the semis and since bloody Mumbai have forced their way in, that only leaves one spot. It can be anybody. I say that because I know for sure that it won't be KKR or Punjab. All my dreams have come true, and hence I want to LOL like a thirteen year old.

LOL.



Thank bucva for finding this amongst a shit load of precious RCB videos.

Who is Harbhajan Singh?

There seems to be a lot of confusion in Durby's mind as to who he actually is. In the beginning, he was an exciting prospect with lots of ideas underneath that turban, but young.

Then the prospect became a bowler that got wickets, had a doosra. Almost a feared one. Almost because his place in the side wasn't garaunteed. So he searched his soul, we think, and decided to listen to the Kiwi one, John Wright. His sense of identity might have been muddled then, as he being an Indian spinner took tips from a Kiwi opener. It helped his bowling, but the question is whether the semi-Kiwi transformation left a mark in his heart in the manner of an Indian pitch. Because he never learnt how to bowl anywhere else.

They kept on dropping him and picking him according to the availability of Anil Kumble or when Punjabi beats became so popular, you could hear them everywhere you went. His identity then was that of an entertainer.

So he stopped giving a shit about this bowling. Yet, somehow, he remained India's first choice spinner once Anil Kumble left. He was good, but only on the days that he wanted to. During that time, he was the face of pie-chucking on his bad days and the advocate of the word 'mother fucker' on his good days. Every batsman who gave their wicket to him was a mother fucker. Even if he had scored a duck. "Mother fucker, how dare you pad up and come to face me?".

Well maybe because on neither days, his identity said bowler.

Then at some point, he decided to bat. I'm not too sure when. Regardless, I doubt he takes the batting seriously as he had to borrow Sachin's bat yesterday. So I will not suggest that he thinks he is an all-rounder. Althought judging from his batting for Mumbai, I think his turban told him that he is. As did the man-of-the-match award.

You might conclude from this that Durby is a man that wears many hats, which usually means that he is talented and an asset to the team. But Durby defies the norm. He is unusual, always has been. Hence he is a man that is buried underneath his hats, trying to find his true identity. And not bowling in the process.

Although, I'm afraid that when he does find his true self, it might turn out that he is a mother-fucking monkey with anger management issues. Then we will have to venture on another journey to figure out whether monkeys can bowl.

Operation: Durby must go

I have ventured out to fulfill your many requests. First up, Durbhajan Singh. It was chosen in random order don't worry. There is no favouritism here. Otherwise all Saffa request would have gone first.

(Although I am hoping AB and JP find their forms without me and my hocus pocus...positive things are a lot of work guys! Find your form!)

Anyway, back to Durby. Durbhajan Singh was injured on March 13th, 2010 by an agent named Shaun Tait. Yes, I know you didn't know he worked for me. He didn't either. Still doesn't.

Let me tell you that the Tait ball that merely scraped Durby's left knee, (he over-reacted...wanted to go home for his own wedding this time) was actually meant to put him out for months. Tait, after bowling his one miracle 160K, has lost it. Specially since CA don't have a central contract for him anyway...or they do..then they don't again. It's really confusing.

Because of Tait's own personal drama Durby returned soon after. Thankfully reliable Cricket Minded agent Jacques Kallis belted the shit out of him. Tomorrow the massacre continues. Unfortunately, he is playing Kolkata so I can't garauntee a full demolition. Not with bloody Ishant Sharma's buffet bowling.

However, we will continue to try. If we can't injure him, we will ruin him. If we can't ruin him, we will finish him. But we can't give you details of that.

Choosing my IPL team

I have no regional affiliation with any of these teams, neither am I an Indian supporter. Hence, my IPL team choosing method largely depends on...you guessed it...the Saffers. I am of the opinion that BD players shouldn't be there to begin with..waste of their time and fitness (MASHRAFE!). So their presence has very little effect on me. Btw, this also means I am allowed to be fickle and support more than one team. Okay? Okay.

So here we go, my elimination process:

Mumbai Indias: Ryan McLaren, JP, Polly the Ginger Ninja and Superman Jonty.
Unfortunately, neither Polly nor Jonty are with them anymore (right?). I love Ryan, but only because he is Saffa. I have yet to make that 'YoaresofuckingawesomeIwanttoworshipyou' connection with him. And JP has broken my heart beyond repair...so for now, Mumbain Indians- REJECT!

KKR: Charl Langeveldt.
Oh Charl, my one-eyed monster. Even though you are bald and should be playing for the national team more often, I cannot stand your team-mate Baz. He makes me want to take a butter knife and scrape away at his tattoos. Very slowly. He makes me want to be an American solider at Guantanamo Bay! And I cannot be that person. I'm so sorry Charl. I am soo sorry! KKR- REJECT!

Punjab: Yusuf Abdullah
First of all, I haven't even watched Yusuf play that much. Second of all, even if I had and was a fan, the minute I think of Punjab, I think Yuvraj. After which I just resort to projectile vomitting, all the while thinking if only Yuvi had done so his ego might have shrunk a little. Or maybe not. Even if it had...Punjab- REJECT! Like a thousand times.

Royals: Graeme Smith, Johan Botha, Morne Morkel
You guys already know how this is going to go. My love for the crooked Johan and the magnificent Morne knows no barriers. Except when uber-sized, filthy, junk-filled bodies in the forms of Shane Warne and Graeme Smith come in the way. I want to reject the Royals, except I can't do that to Morne. Hence, I am on a mission to save these two. Maybe I will buy them and then lock them up in some high tower with a dragon guarding the place. Pretty sure the Fat Twins won't be able to defeat the dragon...unless they eat it! BAAH! Anyway, Royals- SEMI-REJECT!

Delhi: AB de Villiers, Wayne Parnell
Yay! You would think I'd be a die-hard Delhi fan...well I am not. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because their third choice captain is Dinesh Karthik (What.the.fuck!) or maybe because as much as I try, I can't be a fan of Gautam Gambhir. But why doesn't AB and Wayne have the power to trump these obstacles? My psychiatrist thinks it's my inability to happy for successful, ultra-talented, nearly perfect children. Something to do with personal insecurity. Of course, it's all bullshit and the real reason is that their jersey look like that of England's. See how I bring the Poms everywhere? If I may say so, I am a bastard-bitch-idiot all in one. Delhi- REJECT!

Chennai: Justin Kemp, Albie Morkel, Makhaya Ntini
This just has one big, fat rejection written all over it's face. First of all, their captain is Mega Stupid. Second, they have glory hunter Freddie. Third, they have three Saffers who have not been able to perform for their country lately. Sorry Maki, past achievements are great an all that and I still love you for that but right now, right here...you ain't making it back to the team. I am sad for you, but I also want them to win. Which they can't if you are there. And let's not even talk about Albie. You put my Zulu to disgrace! Egghead!
Chennai- REJECT!

RCB:  Jacques Kallis, ROFL, Mark Boucher, Dale Steyn
This is my heaven right here. In addition, they have Rahul Dravid, my favourite Indian player. And I am also quite liking Praveen Kumar these days. But we all know Jakes, Bouchie, my Dale and my alien son make the team. Don't pretend otherwise, it's bad for your health. However, they are missing a crucial person and because of that, they are my second team. Regardless, RCB: EJECT!

Deccan: THE ONE AND ONLY HERSCHELLE GIBBS
Major hypocrisy alert. He is riding on past glory, hasn't performed for the Saffers in a while, is one of those uber-talented, young people but man...he is Herschelle freaking Gibbs. Messed up, bad boy, elegant stroke player, bald, fantabulous fielder...I'll stop before you are disgusted and clicking to close the page. But notice how I cleverly put this in the end, so you have to read through all of my "neutral" opinions before finding out I am still really biased and blindly in love with this has-been.
Deccan Chargers: EJECT! To the moon. With the IPL trophy bitches!