Losing at home is the new thing

Just not losing, losing by an innings and some runs. England's only loss in the Ashes was an innings defeat. The Saffers pulled off the same show of ultimate crap at home and now India has dramatized it to the max.

Note, in between there were series such as Pakistan in Sri Lanka, the Kiwis in Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka in India, Windies and Pakistanis in Aussieland and Pakistan vs New Zealand in Oil land. But the hosts won there (or the Sheikhs won by making money), so they are banned from taking part in this new trend. The Kiwis and the Deshis committed additional crimes by losing at home, but not by an innings. Disgraceful!

However, I must admit India did it with style. The Poms and the Saffers carefully made sure someone attempted to stand out, but doesn't really follow through. Not with India. In India, there are always heroes.

Sehwag entertains the crowd, gets out, says sorry. Sachin keeps hopes alive, gets unlucky, walks back. Durby slashes his bat around like some cheap imitation of Superman and fails inevitably. That turban causes too much friction during his flight through the air. That's why Superman put it as a cape on his back, Bhajji.
This time, their fast bowler puts up a fight too. If Witchy, Aamer and Dale are doing it, why not Zaheer?

Even after all the heroics, they cannot be saved from an innings defeat. It may be because the enormous tasks themselves are tired of being done by the same heroes. They are on strike. "Make new Indian players write history", they scream. But who is listening?

Or maybe it was the hypnotic effect of the newest number one trend in the world. If aspiring number one England and stuttering number one South Africa can do it, why not the actual number one themselves? And do it one notch above them too. With flair and style, falling merely 6 runs short. Making sure that their fans are much more disappointed than the Poms and the Saffers.

That way, they are number one in defeat as well. This commitment to the top most rank has impressed me immensely. Clearly, all doubts about which team in the world is currently number one, have been dispelled.

Clearly.

Don't hurt

You would think AB was a dainty little man, making contact with utmost delicacy, sending everybody into bouts of delighted squeals.

Well, you would be wrong because just now, he flung his dainty body at Harro and caused him to sprain his ankle. I mean, you can't really blame him. Harro just got the luckiest of wickets...the ball found direction after hitting the batsman. Not just any batsman, Sachin. On a hundred. Poor guy looked like a little boy who has lost his way. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

Harro's ankle seems to be piss weak too. How tall is AB? 5"10? How the hell does he jump on a giant and injure him? And now he has injured himself while trying to take a dramatic catch.

Handle with care AB. Leave that shit for the IPL. We don't care if you injure yourself then, or your team mates. Come to think of it, injuring your team mates will be an ideal situation there. Because you know, they are really the opposition.

Unfortunately, nobody in Delhi induces this type of "frolicking little girl reaction" in AB like Harro does. It's endearing and pathetic at the same time. What does he have that others don't?

Dave Warner is blond.
Dan the man is tall.
Gambhir wears that white stuff on his face.
Andrew McDonalds bowls like crap.

That's four Delhi boys with the characteristics of one Harro. Go injure them or something. Leave the Paul alone, AB. Just leave him alone.

Lucky Harro

Mega Stupid Dhoni got beaten by a mystery Paul Harris ball in his own turf. The ball came out of the blasmphemous left hand and did what any other Harro balls do. Frolick around with no aim or direction.

Strangely, this random delivery forced M.S. onto his backfoot, during the course of which he forgot to drop his hands and tried to kick the ball instead. As M.S. held his bat up like he is in some Samurai parade, the ball bounced and hit his gloves. Then it sailed to Jacques Kallis.

Paul Harris celebrated accordingly, but a good look into his eyes will tell you that he was as shocked as we were. Why only recently, he admitted to having no googlies, doosras or carrom balls. This is thus a mystery ball of another level.

The ball, aptly named Horrendous Harro, is basically any random delivery that puts the batsmen in a drunken stupor with its mundaneness, long enough for them to give up their wicket. Mega Stupid, although one of the pioneers of this delivery is not amused while Paul Harris has expressed much delight over it's creation. Meanwhile, the world continues to puzzle over the fact that he gets wickets.

Paul had also stated that he is not a miracle bowler. Paul, we will have you know that your bowling has got Jesus sulking in one corner, as it is a even bigger miracle than his birth.

Pure trash

That is what I will be for the next one month. Not the kind of rubbish where I am posting regularly and stinking up the blog world. The kind where I am not posting regularly. Sorry, there are things going on right now that I need to focus on and do. Things that will keep me away till about mid-March. But this level of rubbishness will have some sophistication.

I won't be as horrible as Durby's bowling in the first two days. That was just on a different level. Went too straight, too far, too full, too short. Too much of everything. Not surprising, as there is too much of Durbhajan in the Indian team these days. And too much of something is never good. But I don't mind his flat-track ass, as long as he is serving the Saffers.

But I definitely won't be as good as Jakes in the first session of Day 1 where he had a strike rate of about 70 at one point, with two sixes. He was so delicious that I contemplated making a big 200 sign and hanging it from the highest glacier around. But then he decided today was not the day. I don't know when it will be the day. Maybe after he retires, in some friendly match.

The level of rubbishness on this blog will be marginally better than India's fielding. At one point the only thing I heard the commentators say was "If it had hit the wicket, it would have been out". Well, if the Indians had learnt the meaning of direct hit a lot of things would have happened. Like the apocalypse.

But the blog will not be the beauty that is Hashim Amla. Hashim's wrist will one day fetch some auction house millions of dollars. Although I would have been happiest if both he and Jakes had got to the double, I am excited that Hash has gotten his shit together. His power of concentration clearly comes from the vein in his forehead that pops out every now and then to calm him down. It was on the  very edge when he was in 199, as was his wife. Now that's what you call made for each other.

The level of rubbishness will fluctuate between South African openers that are not Graeme Smith and what comes out of the mouths of Ravi Shastri and Sunny Gavaskar. According to that pair, Hashim Amla is a foil for Jakes and WAGS who have no interest in cricket have nothing to do if their boyfriends/husbands are out early. Honey, they are on vacation, they are not here for their men.

Sometimes the blog will do a Paul Harris. But not too much. I couldn't do that you guys. Then sometimes it might do a Dale Steyn, who I have decided is to be referred to as my Dale from now on. But more on that later.

Biff turns 29

Apparently, his Fatness had a birthday on February 1st. I just found out, so I could not have warned you guys in advance of this fateful day. But what would have been the point anyway? It would have been about 29 years too late.

His Fatness celebrated his birthday in India by doing press conferences. Sometime in between the team managed a cake, which he only got to enjoy for about twenty minutes. I suspect that's all it takes for Graeme to inhale anything.

Then his Fatness celebrated his birthday by getting out to the 21st ball of the day. And he made a declaration so late or so early (depending on whether you want test cricket to be saved or watch Hashim break Graeme's record), that we wanted to give him some more birthday presents, wrapped in glittery fists.

Anyway, I really wanted to wish his Fatness a simple Happy Birthday, but the usual crap got in the way. On second thought that's the way he captains. So maybe this is fitting.Not that he will get it.

What did she say...?

No Bangladesh

There will be no more posts on Bangladesh till they decide to play and not go down to the field to bend over. Not only do they bend over, they urge the opposition to kick them as hard as they can because a straightforward loss just does not do it for them. They need be smacked, kicked, thrashed and ravaged.

This is not even some bad pornographic implication. Although it has the potential to be one. I am seriously upset on them. I am going on strike when it comes to Bangladesh. Not watching, not posting.

Screw them!

WI vs Aus

Again! Weren't Gayle and co. JUST there?

This is apparently the ODI series that they couldn't play after the test because Pakistan needed to come and intervene. I am very interested to know where the Windies were all these days. Ricky's basement, up Twatto ass, Pup's twitter account are some possible options.

Sri Lanka only tour India and Bangladesh, Zimbabwe tour whatever country clears them at security check and Pakistan visits those countries they think they can convince to come over to their land. It never happens, and inevitably Dubai or England "generously" offer their ground.

I am so bored. Haul Sri Lanka's ass over to Ozland. Or take the Aussies to Zimbabwe. Even better will be flying the Saffers to Afghanistan next.

C'mon ICC! Shake it up a notch. Take some risks. Give Ireland a test status! And some free alcohol to cricket lovers everywhere. Just because.

I might die

I think it's time to be hyper dramatic about Bangladesh.

WHAT. THE. FUCK!

1/1, 2/19, 5/135...9/328.

Isn't Jacob Oram a bowler?

What.the.fuck!

0/71, 1/71,2/84...10/190.

Aren't Bangladesh done humiliating themselves?

What.the.fuck!

Even if you don't care about your own dignity, it would be nice if you at least cared about ours. Pretty soon Bangladeshis all over the world would rather jump from the roof rather than go through yet another Bangladesh collapse. You would think this is some sort of PhD on collapsing. 

D if you get too close.
C if you get close to too close.
B if you get too close, all get into a sac together and hop back to the pavilion.
A if you get too close and fall over each other during your race to the change room. Add some broken bones and black eyes and it will be bumped to an A+.

I can't take it anymore. I really might die. But I will leave you with these wise words:

What.the.fuck!

Unfortunately, you are a celebrity

Ricky Ponting goes grocery shopping. Shock? Disbelief? I've got proof.

Who would have thought? Captain of the World Champions, one of the best batsmen of his era, gum chewer for life, mass producer of saliva, hair factory- those are the things that we associate with Ponting. But buying milk and toilet paper? Never.

Which explains why there is a whole album dedicated to this epic happening, containing the exact same picture as above about eight times. This is bigger than any double century or ICC tournament folks. This is Ricky spending time with his wife and then getting scolded by her for being late for some appointment. I didn't astral project to Ozland and eavesdrop, this is the caption at the bottom.

Next, there will be a photo album dedicated to Ricky sleeping. How does Ricky sleep? Curled like a fetus? Or straight like a log? On his right side or on his back? Does he snore? If so, does he sound like a car horn or like a flute? Or does the hair in his nose make a different tune of their own?

We can only wait in anticipation.

BD vs NZ T20

It didn't happen. Crapinfo just made some random scorecard up. They need to stay employed. And Baz was dreaming.

I mean Nathan McCullum bowled and picked up two wickets. Clearly this was some fantasy world.

The only thing that made me think twice was the fact that Dan played and picked up the highest number of wickets. But this is not Dan and this not New Zealand. They would never wear KFC on their shirts. That's what Aussies do.

Thus, as you can see, that even though the scorecard looks like Bangladesh had 'played', New Zealand never did. So the game did not happen.

If you actually saw the game on television, congratulations! You need to be checked into a mental institution. Specially if you watched Bangladesh bat.

Tempting Allan

Dear Allan,

How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.

But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .

I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.

Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?

Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.

JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.

Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?

Stay Allan. I beg you.

Wayne is more than a cowboy

I just realized that when I was twenty, I was dreaming about saving the world. I thought that I had achieved something, as my full proof plan turned out to be both practical and fun. Basically, I thought of unleashing King Kong, Godzilla and Nessie on the world so they could rebuild the earth from scratch. All normal things for a twenty year old.

But Wayne Parnell is a different story. By the time he hit twenty, he had received a national contract to represent his country in a very popular game. People all over the world knew who he was and were sure that one day, he was going to be one of Saffaland's greatest fast bowlers. On top of that, he can also bat. Just never gets the chance.

Now, he represents his country in pimping white outfits as well. The normal thing for this twenty year old is to travel, play a game that he loves and party...in different parts of the world. On top of that, he gets to sit on a chair with 'Police' written at the back of it, holding the coolest camera in the world, wearing a TOWEL.

If it were anybody else, their ass would have been hauled into prison for indecent exposure. With a camera too. Very suspect. But not Wayne. Wayne, he is allowed. And all because he bowls with the wrong hand.

Thank you for making me feel inadequate Parnie. Thank you very much indeed.

Saffa spinners are officially woeful

Why state the obvious? Because the selectors have the daunting task of choosing the one that is less horrendous for the upcoming test.
Fortunately, making a comparison of crap is much easier than making deciding between the best. For example, if Parnie and Tsotsobe were fighting over the third bowling spot (which they are-Ryan McLaren is in the scuffle too), things would be tougher. If we were to go by yesterday's performance in the warm up game.

But the grass IS much greener on the other side. Take Paul Harris' crap figures in yesterday's game into consideration, and they scream FUCKING PISSOFF/CON-ARTIST/BATSHIT! Or simply 12-0-71-5.91.

Then, when you are all cried out, you go take a look at Johan Botha's figures. Botha is the man right? Our capable vice-captain. Well, okay. As much of a man as you can be with 12-0-44-1-3.66. Slightly better. Botha may not be batshit but I doubt he has the skills to win a test match.

So it's a classic case of shit vs shit. And although it looks like Botha may have won this round what about their other skills?

Botha's short, sometimes sweet-sometimes bitter, high variety batting. In the ODI's. We can't remember what he used to do in tests. Whatever he does, he will be reported for chucking. Or maybe it's baseball when it comes to the batting action.
Versus Harris' jolly, "I want to score a century" batting. Never will he score a century, yet when he goes out, it seems to be his sole purpose. The whole time he bares his teeth like he is in a romantic comedy. But at least we remember how he bats in tests. That makes the score 1-1.

Then we move on to the fielding. None of them are known for their impressive fiedling skills. Sure, a good catch here and there, but it's only when the ball decides to land in the soft hands of a spinner having been roughed up enough. They are the manicurists of the cricket world. Batsmen are the pedicurists, with their dancing feet. Fast bowlers, they are just callous and unpolished.
So the only way to decide the fielding category is to judge who makes for more pleasant viewing.

Botha has an okay face, proportionate to his body and a nice shape. However, Paul Harris has that hair that has a life of it's own. Very entertaining to watch. We don't even need to go beyond that.
But Paul Harris is also too tall, which leads to neck sprains and back aches. Not to mention being unable to look where we have been looking always, straight ahead, at par with our eye level. It's very annoying.

Then, in a completely unrelated category, Botha can fly.

It's unfair I know. Giants can't get their mass to move upwards, but Harris can't get his ball to do that either. So it's 3-2 to Botha.

Congrats Botes! You are the chosen shitty one.

Quote Unquote

From Crapinfo:

"No I was just trying to smell it, how it is feeling"

-Shahid Afridi's initial response when asked by ABC whether he was trying to bite the ball

Cricket Minded has contacted the ball, just out of curiosity, and the ball responded that at the time of the biting he was feeling slightly tensed and knotty. The bite released his pressure and he was getting ready to swing both ways. But then he was put back in the box, where he cried himself to sleep. Shahid Afridi owes the ball an apology for tantalizing him with his teeth and then getting him replaced.

From Crapinfo: 

"Perhaps he didn't appreciate the lunch he was given in Australia" 

-Graeme Smith on Shahid Afridi's ball-gnawing act which resulted in a two-match ban

Cricket Minded also asked Biff to clarify his statement. This, by no means is an attack on the culinary skills of Australians or the kitchen staff during South Africa's tour of Ozland. He was merely trying to say that he really is the best person to know about the food being served, as he ate most of it during their visit. Rumour has it that Biff stuffed a ton of vegemites in the trophy to take some home, but he did not confirm or deny these allegations. We found it our duty to let him know about the higher number of people who are below the poverty line in India, in the hopes that he won't leave the country in a drought. We would also like to offer the Indians an E-collar, just in case. 

What about the invader?

As expected, I see posts after posts on Afridi everywhere. But spare some love for the pitch invader guys. It's been so long since we have had one. Roy shoulder slamming one into the ground is the last incident that comes to mind. I must point out that Roy is one secure man. You would have to be, if you suddenly decided to come in physical contact with a naked guy.

Apparently the pitch invader has been banned for life. I am very, very upset. I mean c'mon! All he wanted to do was give Khalid Latif a hug. He must be so shattered that the Pakistan U-19 team lost to the Aussies in the recent world cup. Latif was the captain of the winning Pakistan side a few years ago after all. Then you have the IPL snubs, the constant drama and not one captain that can live upto their title. It must be exhausting to be a Pakistani cricketer. All he did was recognize their pain and tried to make it go away.

Aah look, Khalid didn't mind. He didn't mind at all.

 

The security guards were upset because this guy made them run when they could have used that time to down beers and donuts. That's the only reason they pressed charges against him. Spiteful!

Oh well, at least he got groped by four men in return.