Are we there yet?

This gap between the second and third ODI is so god damn long that I have once again forgotten what the Saffers look like. Honestly, who designed this series? If the rationale between this gap is that every game is either on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday so people can attend...umm..it's not working very well is it? How can a series prolonged by no games for infinite number of days hold any body's interest?

And what the hell are the Saffers doing during these days? I see no pictures of them practicing! Maybe it's because they are too busy elsewhere.

AB: Getting the whole team to buy his new CD. At least that's 16 copies sold, plus Mummy, Daddy and Brother.

Morne: Following Mickey around singing 'Gimme, gimme' in his ears 24/7.

Hersch: Staring into space and visualizing my happy face when he gets that century that's due.

Dale: Reading bedtime stories to his grand kids, so they don't kick him in the nuts for his woeful bowling.

Graeme: Trying to dehydrate Strauss to induce his leg cramp.

Parnie: Telling everybody what a hero he is for coming back from his ankle sprain as fast as he did.

Albie: Following Morne and Mickey around to make sure one Morkel doesn't get traded for another.

Mickey: Making up new shit to tell the press just to keep them interested.

I'm filing a complain with the CSA for letting my mind sit idle for five fucking days, during which it has gathered shit. As you can clearly see.

It's raining tests

Sri Lanka vs India
New Zealand vs Pakistan
Australia vs West Indies

None of them are going to be rained off, at least it seems like that till now. And all of them will possibly reach the fifth day.

Sri Lanka vs India had an awful, batsman-dominated first day. But then somebody did some hocus pocus on the pitch...and SREESANTH of all people started picking up wickets. Regardless it's worth watching now. Specially if Sri Lanka can stage a fightback.

Pakistan vs New Zealand was always interesting. And now that Shane Bond has been reborn as a test bowler and Dan can actually breathe even when he is not getting wickets, it's getting better. Not to mention some brother act from the two Akmals. And a Kiwi win? I hope.

You would think Australia vs West Indies would be a one-sided affair, with batting records being broken left and right when the Aussies came to bat. But the West Indies bowlers are doing well...and as I write this Mussey is gone, after tricking us into believing that his test career has been successfully resuscitated. Plus that match has Kemar Roach, who is my new obsession.

So which one are you watching? Or are you one of those who have convinced yourself that test cricket is dead?

Me, I'm waiting for the Saffers to play their first match as the number one test team in the world. But while I wait, I am switching between channels and keeping an eye on Cricinfo to indulge in my favourite form of the game.

This is the part where I announce that it is officially Cricket season.

Warning

Following in his musical Guru's footsteps, Brett Lee, AB has used his back injury to finish recording his album.

http://www.abdevilliers.com/videos.asp?id=7947

He hopes we find the CD very "interesting and good".

AB, we find your batting very interesting and good.We also find your looks 'good'. But your singing...not so much.

Your singing we find...how shall I put it? So torturous that we would rather engage in a conversation with Tony Greig, voluntarily stand in the way of Binga's 160km/h balls and pay to watch Tim Bresnan play T20. And I am being very kind here.

Where can we find AB a girl friend so he spends his spare time outside the studio?

Declare

Dravid got his century and Tendulkar is out. They have 464 runs on the board.

Now can India declare? Or are they waiting for Modi's orders?

In comes VVS Laxman.

*switches t.v. off*

Some time later...

527/4.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Wake up! Dan has started batting again!

*dances around in joy*

Umar Gul better sleep with one eye open tonight...NZ is but a mere 18 hours away...

Starving lions in my basement

Have been let loose and sent on a voyage to South Africa with a mission. I must say that they are doing quite well so far. Here are some pictures to keep you updated:

1. Prior with Mama Lion. She knows he is the wicketkeeper, hence she is going for the hand. If I may so, I have trained them well.


2. KP with Papa Lion. They have met before. He didn't like him then, he doesn't like him now.


3. Luke Wright with Baby Lion. Simba meets the Hobbit- a new Walt Disney classic.


4. Stuart Broad with...


Sorry, that's just Barbie's long lost sister. Barbie is South African after all.

Guess who's back?

After running an intense campaign for three months, we have finally been able to get Morne back on the squad. By we I mean me, but if you are a Morne lover and have been secretly sending mental hate messages to Procter, we thank you too.

It has also been reported that Parnell has finally realized that a sprained ankle is not a legitimate injury, specially when you have been caught dancing on that ankle. Shame on you Parnie for not declaring yourself fit earlier. But you can make up for it by taking 10 wickets. Okay 9, we'll give one to Morne.

The question is who will Morne and Parnie replace? Ryan McLaren is possibly going to be shown the door which is fine because he hasn't been mindblowing. Morne will either replace Charl or Dale. That almost sounded like the two chipmunks. Except I bet the chipmunks won't be such a big embarrassment with a cricket ball.

There's also a chance that Morne has been brought back to scare Dale into being good again. Which means Morne might be spending most of his time warming the benches while Dale finally wakes up and uproots every single batsman's wickets. Not a dream comeback, but Morne is a team man. He will do anything to help the Proteas win. Plus, he already has Allan's love and blessings. What more does he need?

Now that the right choices have been finally made, I will celebrate the return of my Herschelle in the team and remind you all that I was initially devastated when he was dropped. The post on him not being needed in the team was a momentary lapse of sanity.

My Hersch has been given another chance to save his international career.
My Hersch is going to make Tim Bresnan sorry he ever picked up a ball.
My Hersch is going to show Albertus how to fucking clear the boundary.
My Hersch will beat the crap out of AB de Villiers for not scoring when it matters.

Let the games begin.

Boo Dale

Where is the Barmy Army? I thought they travelled far and wide to support their team and I am sure a few of them have reached Saffaland. I saw them waving their flags. Unless they were relatives of Trott, KP, Strauss, Prior...oh fuck it! Need we go over the list again and again? Relatives of the Poms. There, that covers it.

I want them there, I need them there. To boo Dale. Boo him till his shittiness is drilled into his head. Why? Because of Mitchell Johnson at the Ashes that's why.

He got written about, booed at, made fun of, abused at Lords. After which he was fanfuckingtastic in the fourth test. He wanted to shut the world up and the Barmy Army instigated that. They were there in SA's tour of England last year, where Dale ripped through the Poms batting. It may have also been because he was in form then, but I firmly believe the Army helped.

I want the Barmy Army to call Dale a chipmunk with peanut brains.
I want them to tell Dale his grand kids have disowned him.
I want them to dress up as Dave Warner in a bunny costume and imply that the only reason Dale takes his wicket is because he has an amorous relationship with him.
Then I want to watch Dale do this:


So come on Barmy Army! Put your thinking caps on and boo Dale! Chop chop!

Ideal Test Day

As Sri Lanka and India pile on runs after runs, I can't help but be more interested in the Kiwi vs Pak game. Note, the Indians scoring in abundance today has more to do with the Lankans and their ineffective bowling, but nevertheless, there is nothing great about teams reaching three-four hundred on Day 1. It is expected, i.e. boring. Specially when the first test made zombies wish they had never come alive.

So I prefer to focus on the other game. Reasons:

1. The match started with a yorker from a seventeen year old that resulted in a wicket. That seventeen year old is becoming my favourite player to watch. Considering his country has produced Wasim Akram, his talent is not surprising. But it is worrying that his country has also produced Shoaib Akhtar, whose sole focus since god knows when has been to entertain off the field rather than on it. I honestly don't want Aamer to waste his talent on acquiring gential warts but if Shoaib decides to mend his ways, it may have to happen...to carry on Shoaib's legacy.

2. After two wickets, there was a Kiwi fightback. Ross Taylor did extremely well to get his team back on track and then fell six runs short of his century. Talk about prime time drama.

3. Pakistan picked up six wickets. None of them went to Umar Gul. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

4. The day ended with yet another Kiwi fightback. This could become a Spartan war. Unfortunately without 300 abs.

5. Daniel Vettori is at the crease and should be getting a 50. Baz is also there, but I am blissfully ignoring him.

Let's take a picture of this day and fax it to India.

What to blame it on

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”

Andrew Strauss got too excited and broke out in sweat at the sight of Biff adjusting his pants. Not wishing to get distracted, he channelled all his excitement in the field which radiated and infected the rest of his team. Particularly Colly. Moral of the story is, blame Biff for everything.



AB is not blond anymore. I had once wondered whether the dye was going to drip into his brain and fuck up his batting. It seems to have done just that. Interestingly, it also seems to have changed AB's eye colour and affected his vision.

L'Oreal, it's not worth it.

Thoughtless

Apparently my 200th post was about KP and my 100th one about Champions trophy prizes i.e. mainly Australia. Considering I support the Proteas and England is my least favourite team, this is a bit ironic. Actually it's downright fucked and I really should put more thought into posting. Or I can just laugh at myself and move on...because really, thinking takes too much time.

What I can be bothered to think about is Hersch returning to the team. Any other time I would have said, 'FUCKING YES! Proctor you brainless ass!'. But not this time. I feel like a traitor as I type this, but seriously, I think the selectors are just praying for a miraculous turn around of his form and letting desparation get the better of their rationality.

Yes, Hersch is unpredictable and can blast off anytime...usually the right time. But the Saffer batsmen are more or less in form. They managed a final total of 250 from 155/5. It's their fucking bowlers that have lost their way. And Hersch is not a bowler (he might have some natural ability tucked away somewhere though). If the bowlers keep going like they are now, SA can make 300 and STILL lose. Wickets win matches and evidently, the Saffers don't remember how to take wickets. As usual, Proctor is thinking out of his ass.

So let me do you a favour and think for you Proctor. The names you are looking for are either Makhaya Ntini or Morne Morkel. Not my Hersch.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. But if the Proteas win because the selectors actually called one of the bowlers over Hersch, I'll gladly take that spot in hell. Not that it's already not reserved for me.

Adjectives

Disgusting: Dale Steyn losing his ability to pick up wickets so early in his career.

Shameful: Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL (seriously reconsidering the adoption now) bowling worse than part-time spinner JP.

Fucktard: Whoever sent Albie ahead of Bouch, when they were five down in the 33rd over. When has Albie EVER played the role of an innings consolidator?

Illegal: Hash getting to a half century and then getting out to a Ashraful-like shot.

Impressive: Ryan McLaren at least trying to mess with the batsmen (not really but I'm drowning in a sea of negativity here!)

Moronic: Biff and his sideburns.

Useless: AB de Villiers, who can't fucking get a decent score when it matters i.e. should NOT be batting 2 down.

Uh oh

Jakes is injured...this is not good. This is not good at all! He won't be playing a single ODI. Out of the last three times that Jakes didn't play, SA lost one game (damn you rain!) and barely won the other two. They might have even lost another one, I can't remember.

SA's batting line up unfortunately changes drastically without Jakes. Unless Hash has found his form again or Loots Bosman is called up to fill Jakes' opening spot, things are looking a little bit scary. I would have loved to say Hersch should be the one getting the call, but he won't. With good reason of course, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop sulking.

Not to mention the bowling. FUCK! With Jakes not around Biff will have to give a few overs to Albie, whose run giving shop I suspect, is still in business. Or SA will bring Botha back. Who also has been a bit shitty lately, but ANYTHING is better than Albie getting more than 2 overs. I'll even take Biff bowling. Actually I won't. Don't even think about it you Buffalo!

UGH! The man was perfectly fine carrying all those lipids around for 18 months but the minute he loses weight he picks up an injury! Yes, I am being grumpy. Because if England wins this, I will die. And since this is the third time I have used that sentence, it must be true!

Can Jakes just not get new ribs? Or did he finish every available ones in Saffaland during his 'how to expand horizontally' demonstrations?

Sledgefest: Kevin Pietersen

"Why weren't you at the toss KP?"

"So Kev, you captaining BRC at IPL 3?"

"Kev, where's your crown? After all, you are 100% English."

"KP is the newest member of Liberty X. Congrats! You will fit right in with that voice of yours"

"Can you take the single? Or do you have to call your wife for permission?"

"Apparently Just a Little was written about you...because you needed instructions..."

Sledgefest: Joe Denly...for Sarah

Sarah Canterbury has informed me that Joe Denly coined his nickname 'No Pants' himself. Why? Possibly because he likes the image of himself in no pants. No, I am not making any jokes about that. I refuse to go there. It's too obvious anyway.

The reason these images are being fed to your brain is because Sarah assures me that I have to come up with something better to rile him. I accepted the challenge. So here we go, trial number two.

"Joe's batting average is now a brand name. It's called Forever 30"

" I hear the golden duck feels right at home with you Joe"

"How do you intidimate Joe Denly?"
"Just show him a football and his knees will start shaking automatically"

You like Sarah?

Washout

Today's post has been washed out by heavy rain without a letter typed.

At 7:00 am EST, there would have been a post but for the fact that the mind was fast alseep.

At 7:50 am EST, the mind woke up and resulted in the cessation of rain in South Africa, as the mind has a deal with the Rain Gods of the land. The deal being "Stop peeing or I shoot".

At 8:10 am EST, the mind went to make breakfast.

At 8:20 am EST, the mind was in the middle of making breakfast when the Rain Gods saw their chance and started peeing again. Apparently they had a secret deal with the Food Gods, who managed to distract the mind long enough.

At 9:28 am EST, the mind came back to find that the damage has been done already. She would like to shoot the Food Gods but has an emotional attachment to them.

At 11:00 am EST, the incessant peeing washed out the entire match and the post with its toxicity. So the mind went to sleep, but not before leaving you with these words:

Somewhere, between the sacred silence and sleep,

Disorder, disorder, disorder

It means the mind is dreaming of an English massacre while she sleeps.