Mickey and I have talked it over and we have decided to fight fire with fire. So these are the Saffa strategies. Only part of it though. We can't have the English spies stealing our secrets.
To combat the line dance the Saffers have come up with their own routine, the Russian Taekwondo. When the Poms trap them in their line, the Saffers are going to break out in this dance in true Bruce Lee style and kick the English everywhere. They are then going to calmly proceed towards the crease.
Offended by Broad's attempt to be an all-rounder, Jacques is going to the man who has already betrayed England to find out how to save Stuart from the delusions. Living up to his true character, Freddie gave Jakes the key to the room where the giant tennis ball is kept. Turns out Stuart's brain is in the ball. Smash the ball and all will be well.
To fight the Poms' boy band looks, Albie and Morne's spirit are going to wear even whiter, tighter outfits to scare the living crap out of the staring Brits. Puma has informed us that if they stare too hard at the whites, they might even go blind. But that might not make much of a difference, seeing as they field like blind men to begin with.
While the Poms do the wave to signal their Queen, the Saffers are going to form a line of their own and throw cricket balls at them. The one who hits Luke Wright the most will get to take him home to do whatever they please. This is a special incentive for Graeme Smith to get his brain working for once.
Finally, the Saffers have built giant shoes courtesy of Gunther's giant feet, to kick the Poms in their niggle-trapped bottoms when they bow down. Just like Gunther, these shoes go psycho when unleashed. They will stick to the Poms till they find out why there is an epidemic in the English camp that involve men, their buttocks and tightness.