AB has a flaw

And it's not his singing! I kid you not!

At the MTN40 semi-finals this year the Titans lost to the Dolphins unexpectedly. AB, who plays for the Titans, made a crucial 50 and then ran himself out.

Where have you seen that before? That's right! Against England. Except AB ran the other batsman out. Twice.

He runs like a maniac is chasing him to chop his hair off and sell it on ebay. It doesn't matter who the other batsman is. AB likes to run, the other man must run as well. Problem is, sometimes the other batsman is Graeme Smith, who runs like a binge-eater about to go regurgitate one of the many the buffalo tails he had for lunch.

Then sometimes the batsman is Faf du Plessis, who inexplicably falls down while trying to turn around for the second run, as was the case in this game. He reached the crease comfortably and then he fell. Just smack on the ground under the weight of his poodle-like name.

AB had his eyes fixated on the ball, like the good fielder he is and calmly jogged down the pitch reminiscent of Super Mario.

"Tootootoo tootootootootoo. Hope GQ is noticing my strutt. My side profile is sexy, specially when I am watching the ball. Tootootoo tootootootootoo. "

Poor Faf was lying flat on the ground. By the time AB saw it, it was too late.

I am very tempted to say that Faf orchestrated this run out to tarnish AB's perfect reputation and the Titans should really sue his parents for not teaching their son how to turn around and stand. But I fear it is a defect in AB's genes and it is in the form of Owhy Shah.

Methinks we need to put AB under some serious radiation, till the run out gene mutants the fuck out of itself and eventually disappears. AB and flaw? They don't even rhyme! Neither does AB's song, but who is listening to that? Not me.

However, we are all watching him run. And it's not at all amusing to watch him run himself or others out at crucial times. It's not in style AB and it will never be. Stop it. Now!

How to run between wickets

For KP, Biff and Watto. 
-From Owhy

Step 1: Notice how far the ball has travelled.

Step 2: Notice who the fielder is and assess if there is a run. For example, if the fielder is Ashish Nehra get ready to dash. On the other hand if the fielder is South African or Australian, you may still want to risk it. Even if the fielder is an old lady from said nations.

Step 3: Who is your partner? This is more important than you think. The real thing to keep in mind here is if your partner will choke slam you for taking a run that wasn't there. If he won't then by all means run. If he will then pretend he made the call but never forego the run.

Step 4: Assess the situation to pretend you actually know what is going on the middle. Is it absolutely necessary to take the risky single now or will we be fine without it? Either way the answer is always run.

Step 5: If midway through your run you realize the run was a mistake, pause momentarily to decide if you should go back or keep moving forward. The decision relies on which end the fielder is throwing. The ideal situation is to get your partner out, even if he is a far superior batsman than you. And specially if he is in the 90's (See Watto, you really can't blame Kat).

Step 6: If you decide to stupidly sacrifice your wicket, dive. Your weight will have a significant role to play in the success of the dive. But to get a more comprehensive idea of this situation you will have to attend classes with Inzy.

Step 7: If you and your partner are in the same end collide into your partner and push him out so the replays can tell the umpires that you reached the crease first. This was the basic mistake both KP and Watto made. Tsk tsk.

Step 8: If in confusion always ask yourself 'what would Owhy do?'

Cheers!

Dear Santa, from the Poms

Dear Santa,

This Christmas instead of something tangible can you please give me my powers back? I have wiggled my nose a million times but I just can't get the big fast men to slow down. I also can't get the naughty spinners to let me be, even though I frequently leave their deliveries alone. As a little girl, I was taught the values of love and friendship and I try to incorporate them in my batting. Although I can, I don't strike the ball too hard. It hurts the litte dears. I need my nose to spread the love and joy amongst the Saffers, so please give my powers back.

Also, tell the English press not to be so mean to me. I am a sensitive flower. Thank you!


Dear Santa,

I don't like being in England over Christmas. I really wanted to be in South Africa, but they left me behind. Thankfully Mascaraman and Samantha have both been terrible so far. I am all packed and ready to dash out at the slightest hint of a nod. Even if the other batsman does not come this way. I really should have been there in the first place but Mascaraman taught them the trick to super thick lashes and now they don't pay any attention to my graceful running. Although KP did try to campaign for me, it did not go very well. Between you and me, I would have done a much better job. Anyway, just make sure you get me the ticket okay? Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is my daddy. Nobody in South Africa appreciates my stunning hair and raspy lips and I am really quite sad that daddy isn't here to hold me. The people here are mean and they keep on asking me to find something called length. I am trying every single conditioner that Shahid Afridi referred but I still can't get my hair to grow. Is that my fault? Why don't they understand that? Please get me daddy. And if not, get me the new Hannah Montana series. She does calm me down a lot. Thank you!

Head-to-head

At long last the England tour of SA has started. The T20 games were just a tease. THIS is the real deal. The reason I won't feel bad for not studying for exams and then tearing my hair out. It's all worth it. Especially if the Saffas win.

I don't make predictions when it comes to my own team...because they usually go badly (remember the Champions Trophy/Champions League? sigh!). But I will tell you who I am looking forward to watching in the upcoming series.

1) Jimmy vs Dale: One has a kid, one has imaginary grand kids. Both can swing the ball but both have been erratic as of late. Jimmy a little less than Dale, but he has the knee to blame...and tiring wars with Swann on twitter. I am going to say something traitorous right now that you all will read and promptly forget: I like Jimmy as a bowler. He is the only Pom that I can tolerate. Shocked, dazed, forgotten? Good. Moving on...

2) Strauss vs Buffalo: As much as Graeme looks like a buffalo, Strauss is the one with cow brains. And I reject the hypothesis that cows are intelligent animals. They are inferior to buffaloes anyway. Strauss is one of those players I dislike, despite knowing that he is a good cricketer. His captaincy, I feel, is yet to be proven. He didn't do anything revolutionary in the Ashes. There was no need with the Aussies being determined to beat themselves. But he does seem to be able to bring out the best in his players unlike his deputy. Graeme's team is great to begin with, so he has very little to do with them being awesome. But he is contributing regularly as a batsman these days which helps. Plus, I am really hoping Strauss gets a cramp and Graeme decides to break ICC rules and give him a runner...on the condition that the runner is Owais Shah!

3) Swann vs ROFL: This is the only reason I want Swann to recover fast from his injury. Just to prove that ROFL is far more interesting than him and a better spinner. I get this feeling ROFL is the only individual that can convince Swann to give up twittering with his psycho-like expressions. If that doesn't work, we can always depend on the alien living inside ROFL to show Swann the finger and tell him that he sucks.

4) Albie vs Eoin: I also like Eoin Morgan, but only because of his background. I am incapable of hating on anybody with any relation to Ireland. It's Bono. He has clouded my judgement. All I want to see is who can hit the ball further. The one that hits a six all the way to Canada is going to have a glacier named after them. Albertus Glacier. Sounds like a nice peace offering from the Canadians to the Romans.

5) KP vs Trott: Who will make a better effort to secure a place in Vaughan's next book? Who will stand up to the booing crowds better? In fact, who still holds the interest of the Saffers enough to be made fun of, which Flower is sure they are waiting to do? Something tells me no one is winning this one.

My Favourite Moment

An Indian 12th man and a rejected Pom once met on a cricket pitch. It went like this:

Indian Man (IM): You can do this Dinesh. It's as simple as carrying drinks. Just pretend you need to serve drinks to the wicket-keeper and the umpire alternatively. It's simple.

Pom (P): I haven't had my tea yet. I can't afford tea anymore because I was dropped from the squad, despite scoring brilliantly. I am a brilliant batsman and I get sidelined for a Hobbit and a Mascara boy.

IM: Wicket-keeper looks thirsty. I need to give him some water. I am the Chosen one, the official drinks carrier. I cannot let him die on my watch. If he doesn't get water now he will collapse. I must save him. Owhy just hit the ball, wait..is he coming this way? But my drinks tray is not ready yet! No you shit Pom, stay there!

P: See, I hit balls then I run. I am very good at running. I can run all day. Mascara boy can't even see because of all the makeup in his eyes. Must recommend Revlon to him. Wait, why isn't that bastard running? Did he somehow here my thoughts on Revlon?

Captain Cobra scoops up the ball and throws it to the wicket-keeper. Wicket-keeper takes the longest time to catch it, looks at the batsmen and then removes the bails.

IM: Good, I needed to go back to the pavilion to refill my bottles anyway. Tata darlings!

P: He did hear my thoughts! Now he is going to tell the ECB, who are never going to take me in the team again because everybody knows that they prefer Rimmel. Must kill drinks carrier. What is this? Is this game not over yet? But I haven't had my tea!

Unfortunately for Owhy, Modi is too busy canoodling his groupies to declare the end of the game. It is indeed a sad, sad day when three blonds and one brunette come in the way of one man's tea sipping.

South Africa should skip the middle overs

This is the third time a row SA's bowlers have been disgusting in the middle overs. They start off brilliantly and get those 2 wickets every time. Then things come to a stand still.

It's the 38th over and England are currently 220-2. Owhy is about to score a century. He hit 6 sixes...two of them off ROFL. ROFL's mothership is sleeping today. Why oh why!

BUT BOTHA THE MAN GETS HIS WICKET! SOMEBODY GIVE HIM THE CAPTAINCY NOW!

It's not surprising, they are getting closer to the last 10 overs. The wickets will come again. If ROFL and Albie will just stop bowling.

Jacques is apparently injured and can't bowl anymore.

Is this some sort of a cruel joke that Shaun Pollock is the commentator right now? Hi Shaun, stop talking and go down to the field.

I just spotted my Herschelle. Judging by the way England is going, a lot will depend on him today.

I'm going to go watch. By the time I am back, the Saffers better have won this.