Fat isn't the new fit

Hello India,

I flew across weights and cardio machines to bring you important news. It is imperative that you listen. Put down that bowl of lipids stuffed in cholestrol and drenched in soluble carbs and listen to me:

FAT ISN'T THE NEW FIT

It wasn't the new fit when Ranatunga sported and it wasn't the new fit when Shane Warne sported it. It won't be the new fit today, nor tomorrow. Deal with it.

What is the definition of fat you ask? Well, it's simple really.

If you  ripped your pants while taking a catch, you are fat.
If you took your shirt off to dance and the camera had to move away, or people watching television had to blindfold themselves, you are fat.
If you are wearing baggy, sportswear and people can make you that your belly is related to Yokozuna, you are fat.
If your coach is 42 and able to beat you at 'who can reach the other end of the pitch faster', you are fat.
If your name is Yuvraj, Zaheer, Suresh or Rohit, you are fat.

And if you are fat, you ain't fit.

So my friends in blue, hit the gym, do those lunges, lift a tonne, run like the wind...just leave Harbhajan behind. Muscles aren't his thing. Neither is bowling but what the hell!

And when all this is over, kindly upload pictures on Twitter. The world needs proof. Social networking and Iphones will help you get the evidence to them.

 This ain't no joke son

Okay, maybe it is a joke. Give me a hug, Gary will let us play irrespective of waist sizes

For more inspirational pictures, go here.

Threeway

A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

Guidline to a killer instinct

Specially for the Saffers, who are being epic dickheads.

-In the event that an ecounter is futile, as in striking the victim a number of times will not ensure that the victim isn't alive and kicking, bash victim repeatedly. Even if victim is alive afterwards, at least one will have caused some injury.

-Complete destruction of weak victims are neither appealing nor heroic, if followed or preceded by an embarrassing failure.

-One must not look like one does not want to kill the victim, the victim can smell it.

-Niceness is for retards, one must get over it.

-Always strategise for a murder, anything else is punishable by death.

-If strategy is anything other than murder, due to some irreversible brain malfunction, putting it on display for the whole world to see may cause several upset stomachs and basically lead to an upsurge of vomit levels in the world. Please refrain from making such pathetic display.

-When planning annihilation (which should be always), picking Morne is a mistake. He likes to hand out candies to victims in certain formats.

-When planning annihilation (which should be always), leaving Rusty basically means one likes rotten eggs on one's face, hair and mouth.

-Asking the rookie to kill Suresh Raina is...a rookie mistake.

-If one lacks killer instincts, one is to be tied upside down to a tree and dried under the sun until one's brain receives all the blood required to make one's brain function normally. One will only be forgiven if one decides to take the reverse path in this ICC tournament i.e. losing now so one can win later. Like in the semis.

One had better reach the semis.

The old Indian team is back

Highest scorer: Sachin- 175
Second highest scorer: Raina- 59
Third highest scorer: Sehwag- 38

Everybody else just visited Sachin to remind him that he is India's saviour. A job he took pretty seriously, till he decided McKay should get a prized wicket on his debut. What was up with that shot? Did McKay seriously fool him with his slow ball? On a night where Sachin Tendulkar was nearly invincible, some new comer faked him and got his wicket. After which the Indians suddenly remembered their old ways ("Sachin is not on the field mommy, I don't want to play!") and collapsed beautifully. I can already hear the ladies knocking on McKay's door.

India might as well wear yellow at the next game. They seem to love playing for Australia. Although, I thought Ricky was actually giving India a hand when he gave the last over to Shane Watson. I got all excited for the full tosses, but he didn't crumble under pressure. I'm sad that Watto is actually living up to his potential these days. I am running out of players to laugh at. Wait, I still have the English. And Mitchell Johnson. I like him, I really do. But an opporunity to laugh at the bowling figures of Oz's future spearhead AND ICC Player of the Year, is not something I'm going to let pass.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!