Golden Bat!

Sorry to have yet another post with pictures and no substance but I found the bat! Ignore the diamond studded, disco-like Man-of-the-series award. Focus on the bat. I know it's simple but that's the way I like it.

I'm just sad that the bat is not big enough to actually play with. On second thought, maybe little Phil Hughes can make use of it!

Champions Trophy Prizes

Shane Watson received the gazillion dollars watch for the finals. It's an ugly watch by all standards, so I won't be putting up a picture to preserve the sanctity of my blog. But here's a picture of Watto realizing that he will only be able to pair this with the jacket during the Elton John musical.


Ricky Ponting got the golden bat for scoring 288 runs in the tournament. I am shattered by the fact that I have yet to find a picture of this magnificent bat and ball to share with you. They really are the sexiest things you have ever seen.


According to records, ICC's not mine, Wayne Parnell remains the highest wicket taker in the tournament with 11 wickets. He therefore gets the golden ball. Since there is no picture I'm guessing Parnie did not show to pick it up. His excuse better be 'practicing for an English demolition' because it is a disgrace to not show up at your own event for an honour. Specially when further inspection reveals that the 11 wickets is accompanied by an Economic rate of 7. I hope Majola personally delivers this one to Wayne, along with a few smacks on his head.

No no no

The following pictures have blinded me. White jackets and white shoes are never to be paired together with yellow outfits complete with yellow caps unless you are to star in some musical about Elton's John's life.

Before I went completely blind I noticed that Callum Ferguson made it to the stage with his injured knee up in the air. That and the fact that this jacket also seems to be one size fits all. Talk about pimping.

I guess here's where I congratulate all Australians for painting a big 'Fuck You!' sign on our faces.

Death by boredom

If you live in the Southern Hemisphere where it's so early that it's criminal to be even awake to watch this snail-paced game, here's something to keep you entertained.

Answer the questions wittily and you will get a prize. The more evil you are, the higher your chances of winning.

Why is Brett Lee clenching his face so hard?



Who is Siddle smelling and why?


Why is this picture so amazing and disturbing at the same time?


Bonus question: Who is the flying man? No the answer is not in my label list.

Knock yourselves out. This may be the first of many if the responses are good.

Dan the team man

He's still in the team, just the one where everybody is a fucking broken doll and there is nobody to fix them. Picking up a hamstring injury before the finals! Knowing that the rest of the team wiggles like a bunch of worms when he is not around. SHITHEAD!

Even Elliott has become a New Zealander without Dan. Elliott you jackass, you are South African! Which means you actually CAN beat the Aussies.

Oh what's the point! It's all over anyway. Just when we thought ODI's have a future, Daniel chicken Vettori puts a knife through them. It's all his fault. And Australia's. They really know how to suck the life out of a final. I can't remember the last time the men in yellow played in a final match that had a thrilling finish. They are the World Champions right? It's their responsibility to make sure people watch ODI cricket. So even if the other team plays like this is their second day at the game, the Aussies should fuck up to make things interesting.

Maybe if I call upon the ghost of Mitchell Johnson at Lords....

Just to cheer you Kiwi fans up!

Tan tan tannnn

Just trying to build up some excitement for the finals with suspense music from those 1950's horror movies. When the girl with the multiple candles comes out of her bedroom to investigate the noise outside (which I think is the dumbest thing anyone can do), and the camera shows Frankenstein hiding right behind the door. The girl turns around to see Franky reaching for her and lets out a blood curling scream....and blackout.

Sorry, haven't seen a good horror movie in a while so making up my own. Okay, finals! Australia versus New Zealand finals! How often do we see that? Yet, I get this feeling people are not excited about it. WAKE UP CRICKET WORLD! It's a good thing. Australia are for once unstable in a final match and the Kiwis, well they just defied all odds.

If you are thinking about the semis and comparing the English bowlers to the Kiwis you should be ashamed of yourself.

I am with the Kiwis all the way. I hope they keep up their fighting spirit and make a good match out of it. And I am ordering the rain clouds to stay away.

If the match were a horror movie, Time Paine would be the girl and Jesse Ryder would play the part of Franky. Paine would be holding the candles to get a better look and Ryder would knock his front teeth out with his bat. It's the only time I would have supported Ryder. But only because I am a fan of Franky.

Thank you, come again!

Grant Elliott's message to Pakistan. He was being a good host of course. Confused? Grant Elliot is a born Saffer who left the country in 2001. And you thought I only supported the Kiwis because of their badly-bearded, magnificent captain. Well, I didn't. They have the South African connection. Actually, I didn't know till a few hours ago that he was a Saffer, but I am going to pretend anyway. And don't you dare suggest that by that theory, I should be a supporting England as well. They went to the nation that thinks all of cricket is defined by one miserable urn...the contents of which are not even properly known! So it's not happening.

Right, back to Grant Elliott. How awesome is he? Playing the role of a stabilizer while the wickets were tumbling and then unleashing like the starving lions in my basement at the right time. Scoring 16 AMAZING runs off Umar Gul. Gul the fool had no answers to the belting. And he is supposed to be Pakistan's best death bowler. Beaten to a pulp by a Saffer. It warmed my heart and brought the temperature up to a wonderful zero degrees.

Clearly he was bowling out of his...

Let's spare some love for the Kiwis now. Ian freaking Butler...what a man! Actually he isn't. He has under 30 wickets in his career so far and was only selected for the team when 007 got injured. He was also the softie who sat out the first part of the tournament because of a stomach bug. But he got the wickets of Akmal, Malik AND Afridi. The three Pak batsmen that could have let loose all hell on the Black Caps. Yup, shown to the door by a Butler all right! Okay that was terrible. But the Kiwis won and I don't care.

Again, no New Zealand post will be complete without the mentioning of Dan the man. So here we go. Three great wickets, a promotion of himself up the order and 41 runs told us what we already knew. Dan is the most cleverest Kiwi alive. And he is the real Harry Potter. One day, Kiwis everywhere will fly because of him.

A similar picture to the one below, and the type of wicket that lead to this pathetically arrogant celebration has haunted me since the semi-finals of the T20 World Cup. Now it just makes me laugh. A psychotic laughter that Afridi can clearly hear. Hence the lack of joy in his expression.

Oh

Give me a moment here. I'm trying to digest the fact that the Kiwis have not been hammered by Akmal, Malik and Younis.

Wait, is this Pakistan? The rulers of Collapseville?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I am over my shock.

Another one is due if the Kiwis win this. Stay tuned!

My poor heart

My poor heart was very low when England was 101-6 in the 20th over. Specially when Morgan went after a fantastic 9 off 27 balls. I couldn't believe I missed an opportunity to watch his fantastic skills. What injustice!

But then Wright and Bresnan came and my poor heart started pumping faster. What beautiful display of batting! Magnificent. It was a real shame Wright the Hobbit did not get his half-century. He was robbed! Robbed I say! How dare Paine catch that ball! Little frog forgot that a Hobbit is still taller than an amphibian.

The wickets started to tumble soon though. You can't imagine the agony of watching English batsmen walk back to the pavilion. My poor heart could barely take it. It was divine intervention when Paine fell to Onions. That stopped the pain, just for a little bit.

As Watto and Punter hammered the English bowlers all over the place, my heart took a beating too. During that Colly over, 4 1 6 0 6 6, my right atrium was nearly blocked.

Because I was laughing so hard, my heart could not keep up with the increasing demand for endorphins in my body.

If you think I actually felt sorry for England you are drunk this Friday night.
If you are gravely disappointed because you thought the Poms could actually win this, here's another heart-breaker for you: Santa Claus isn't real either.

I am now going to celebrate the return of sane cricket by sharing with you some of my favourite pictures from the match.

111 not out...take that!

I don't care, I have an Urn that fits in my mouth!

I am still not injured!

Speaking of which, how is it that in a match that had Shane Watson, the ball hurt someone else? That ball has lost its way.

Michael Jackson comes to cricket

First the suave jacket and the white gloves (clearly a homage to MJ), now the golden bat and the golden ball. I'm talking about Champions Trophy prizes. The Saffers really know how to do it in style.

I've been looking for pictures for over twenty minutes now. My best friend google has failed me for the first time in my life. I don't want to talk about it. It hurts too much.

(If you have pictures of the Jacket, gloves, the bat and the ball please send them to me.)

The Golden Bat is for the batsman with the highest number of runs who,ironically, at the moment is Graeme Smith. This is why Biffy pulled out of the Champions League. He wanted to be around to collect his bat personally. It's going right next to his Thriller jacket. Who needs the pimped out white one when you have the legendary red one?

The Golden Ball goes to the bowler with the highest number of wickets....Wayne Parnell. This is the saddest shit ever. Don't try to tell me that these are positives. They aren't. They are big 'SUCKERS' signs. Huge. Ginormous.

Btw, if you are a nineties baby and don't know what all these MJ-related terms are in reference to, you suck. Go away and don't show your face. Ever.

Broad down, none to go

Nobody realized that every player I dislike has been injured during the course of the Champions Trophy. I tried to give hints. I said it on KK's site. I even put up a complete list of injuries (before Clarke, Ryder and Broad) and people still didn't put it together.

Go read the comments section. I admitted to injuring Yuvraj and said Ryder was next on the list. Who was the next to go? Ryder. Then KK asked me to injure Broad.

Who has been injured now?

Stuart Broad. More specifically, Stuart Broad's left buttocks. I did it for my friends. I am loyal like that.

Although I must admit that I was not looking to injure that particular area. I was just chasing him with a knife,wearing a mask. He tripped over Tim Bresnan and Graeme Swann, doing something naughty in the dark, and landed on top of Jimmy. Who bit him, thinking he was a tall box of golden, crispy fries. That tightness that he is complaining about, it's Jimmy's plaques. They tend to hold on like bitches.

Still don't believe me? Here:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/cricket/2661969/Broad-injury-is-tush-and-go.html

No need to thank me.I know, you are "tushed". I can't blame you. I am a lovely person after all.

Dale's Grandkids

...will never be able to look at him and say he won a Champions Trophy in South Africa, he told Crapinfo.

It's true. Because the words that come out of their mouths will be something along the lines of:
"Grandpa, why did you think that one season and the number one ranking meant you could fucking bowl like a crap bag from then on?"

These are the same grandchildren who will be hearing his crocodile hunting stories.

They don't give a shit about the croc, Dale. They want the trophy.

Bless Dale Steyn's non-existent grandkids.

Rotten Australia

Playing with the emotions of a billion Indian fans like that! Scoundrels! Bastards!

First, Brett's tweety was enough to disturb Boom Boom, so Witchy got his wicket. Then Akmal slammed them all over the place. During the course of which, Hauritz dropped a catch and acted like he was really distraught. I thought he was seriously over-acting, just in case Australia lost the match and he could tell everybody how much he was beating himself up for it. I think you'll be better off apologizing for your spin Ritz. They don't care about your crappy fielding. They don't care about you, period.

To make Ritz look worse, Witchy Mitchy took a most difficult catch.It was so stunning that Crapinfo has a special picture to demonstrate how the catch was completed, in steps.

Step 1: Close your eyes and pray
Step 2: Open your eyes to confirm that you caught the ball and not your knuckles
Step 3: Pretend you knew you were going to catch it all along

Seriously, I know it's difficult to judge when the ball is so high and you have to run back. He did well. But what is so fantastic about this catch? Australia is expected to take such catches, specially with the American making them work so hard. Although, he needs to spend a little more time with Paine. The guy is like a frog without the sticky stuff.

I went to sleep for the rest of Pakistan's innings. They didn't score runs and they didn't lose wickets at regular intervals. So I decided it was a good idea to take my 5am nap.

Then the Aussies came to bat, needing only 206. You would think the would cruise through it, which they nearly were...with Hussey of all people, leading the chase. I think I've solved the Mystery of the Withering Hussey. He had amnesia. Now he doesn't anymore. Convinced? Neither am I.

But as soon as they realized that the Indians were watching, Ricky and his rotten men started their Shakespearean drama. The top order walked back to the change-room together and the middle order practically sprinted past them. They even gave Malik a wicket. Then Brett Lee came, the master of all Australian actors. The situation was stabilizing and it looked like the Aussies were going to win after all, but Binga knows how to entertain the Indians. He starred in a Bollywood movie. So he asked Witchy to go back. All of the sudden the Indians realized that Aus needed 17 runs, and their hopes lied on the shoulders of a fast bowler and a wannabe spinner. So starts the nail biting, the praying and the racing heart-beats.

Will they? Won't they? Will they? Won't they..........Will they?

They will. They were always going to. They just wanted to help your population problem with a few heart attacks.

I better be winning an Oscar for this...

The only downside to this story is that we have to watch a England vs Australia game...again!

D-Day

Australia play Pakistan in four hours in hopes of qualifying for the semis.

India play West Indies in nine hours in hopes of qualifying for the semis.

The Champions Trophy has already given cricket lovers a lot of drama, fun times, surprises and heart breaks. Just when we thought it couldn't give anymore, it comes up with another one:

Indians hoping for a Pakistani win. Not just a win, a demolition of the Aussies.

Screw Heroes and Grey's Anatomy. The Champions Trophy is the next prime time hit. It even comes with a US$4 million ending and a shiny trophy. Oh, and a sleek jacket with Jonty Rhodes' BO on it.

And Polly's dead skin cells

Don't worry, its Rhodes. He takes personal hygiene very seriously.

He has helpers to clean him

Just in case you are interested, I am hoping Australia win or have a good enough net run rate and India crash out. The logic is simple. If Australia win, they top the group and play England in the semis. The Aussies are still pissed about the Ashes so they will clobber England. If Australia is second place, then the Poms play Pakistan. That way if Pakistan have a brain freeze all of a sudden and lose, the Aussies will still meet the Poms in the final (the Kiwis have fulfilled their quota...sigh!) and clobber England. Australia better hold it together because England CANNOT win two trophies in the same year. It makes cricket look bad. Which might happen if India pull through.

The real question is however, who will Tifosi Guy support? His team or his country? Oh the things life throw at you!

Black Caps in the semis?

It's a possibility. Remember I told you that the Kiwis have a habit of sneaking into the semis? They did it in the Champions Trophy in 2000 and 2006 and in the World Cup in 1992,1999 and 2007. They actually won the CT in 2000.

And now they have a chance to do it again. The Kiwis did what Sri Lanka or South Africa couldn't do. Murder England. The Pommies made 146, and the Kiwis have to make 139 to qualify for the semis. Don't you love it when you wish for something and it finally comes true? Well, I shouldn't be too happy yet. The Kiwis still have to bat and its a tough pitch apparently.

This next bit might shock you, so sit down. Dan bowled only 1.1 overs, conceded 2 runs and got 1 wicket. I know what you are thinking and it is correct. Elliot, 007, Butler and Mills got the rest of the wickets. That's four out of five Kiwi bowlers, minus Dan. Did you hurt yourself from the fall? I told you to sit down for this. Even Dan did.

My lovelies can bowl!

So what is the Kiwi secret? They are always the Underdogs. Even when they are playing fantabulously nobody takes them seriously. While everybody's involved in an over-the-top, highly dramatic struggle, the Black Caps just quietly slip out, take the spot and run! Till they reach the semis. Then they crash out.

Interestingly, it's been nine years since the Kiwis won an ICC tournament, despite having reached the final four a number of times. Sounds like a certain team in green...see? They are so clever that nobody even realized that they consistently fail at the same stage as the Saffers. I like. I like a lot.

Saffer Rain Gods mourn

The home team's exit from the tournament obviously. They realized that with SA's departure, the locals might lose interest in the series altogether. So they decided to help the ICC, because they are nice and good hosts. Plus, after all the drama in Group B, somebody needed to make Group A interesting!

The Australia-India match was washed out. They each get one point, but Aus has already won a game so currently, they are in second position. To get to the semis, India now HAS to win against West Indies. But even then, they only go through if Australia is beaten by Pakistan AND they have a better run rate then Australia. This points system is a bitch eh?

India has now been trampled by their greatest competitors, Pakistan, Australia and South Africa. Okay, so it was technically the SA weather...but they are still Saffers!

I am hoping for a Windies win on Wednesday. Or an Australian loss with a run rate still good enough to get them through. Just for some cruel fun.

New Zealand heard us

They tried guys. They won against Sri Lanka to give the Saffers a chance. We messed it up big time.

Somebody scored 74 runs off 58 balls and gave Ryder the credit. The real Jesse was sitting down and chilling under the sun.

See?

Dan was impressive with both the ball and the bat. As is customary of him in this current Kiwi side. I wonder how many M-O-M awards Dan has. Hopefully enough to buy a new team :P.

Although some of the bowlers showed up today as well. Other than 007. More like 00 fullstop. The Kiwis need to find a new fast bowler. Seriously. It's high time.

Dilshan nearly killed their chances, as he is the lone Lankan assassin. Jayawardene wanted in on the action but couldn't save the match. Koolboy Kula also contributed. I was saddened by Kandambi's failure however. He should always score big. Just as a birth-right kind of thing.

I am really sorry I didn't wake up at 3am to watch this match. I haven't watched a brilliant NZ performance in a long time. I just hope they do the same on Tuesday to avenge South Africa. If they do, I'll write something nice about Ryder. I promise!

Resurrection

I did die. Then I thought, if I died who would stand by South Africa? So I came back. Yes, I still stand by them. What did you think? Just because I left NZ and SL when they started losing I'd do the same to my Saffa boys? I've been standing by them for 16 years now....such scenarios are nothing new to Saffa fans. They lose, we cuss, we move on. Another tournament comes by and we get behind them again. Even if I am 100 by the time SA actually win an ICC trophy, I'll fucking blog to rub it all over your faces. Proteas fans have grit and nothing you come up with will faze us.

They lost because the bowling was even more horrendous than any nation's fourth stringers. Dale needs to be boxed till he is black and blue. One good season, one trophy and the fucker forgets how to bowl. Allan Donald is ashamed of you Dale. He told me so.

Let's not even mention Albertus. He should just run straight towards the boundary with the ball in his hands from now on. That's where it's going to end up anyway. I wasn't impressed with his batting either because once again, the ass got run out at a crucial moment. Although, in retrospect it did look like he was trying to get Smith off the strike because he was cramping and couldn't run. CRAMPING AND COULDN'T RUN, STRAUSS. He is the biggest motherfucker on Earth. He knew if Smith had a runner SA would have at least edged SL out of the tournament. He is such a coward that he even blamed the Umps for it. I saw the incident live. The umpires asked him several times and Strauss nodded his head 'no' every time. You don't even have the guts to admit it was you, you wanker. But I don't wish him ill. I don't wish him ill at all. I'll just wait for karma to hit. Then I'll kick him.

Cricinfo: Graeme Smith asked for a runner and Strauss didn't allow him one

The batting was equally miserable, other than Smith. Don't be shocked. I have nothing against Smith the batsman. We always knew he was brilliant and we expect nothing less than what he displayed at the game. Smith the captain is another story. The story being defensive field settings in the middle overs when the bowlers are already bowling atrociously, allowing the opponents to pile on runs.

My Herschelle failed.
My Kallis failed.
My Boucher failed.
Even my ROFL failed.

I don't understand how the burdens of past failures don't motivate Gibbs, Kallis and Bouch to fight like hell in ICC tournaments. And what the fuck happened to Jakes? He had bowling figures of 3-0-14-1. Then he decided he couldn't bowl anymore. Gibbs and Bouch looked like they weren't even trying. I'm reaching SA tomorrow to give Gibbs a hair transplant, fill the gap in Kallis' front teeth and tell Boucher his website sucks. Maybe that will hurt them enough to fucking react!

I am incapable of hating on ROFL as I am hoping to be his adoptive mother. But I'll tell you about that another day.

That Morgan guy can bat. It physically hurts me to say anything good about England. But I still made an effort. And that is all you are going to get from me.

Mathematics

8.54: South Africa's required run rate

510: My heart beat

1: The number of hours I will live when this match is over

South Africa should skip the middle overs

This is the third time a row SA's bowlers have been disgusting in the middle overs. They start off brilliantly and get those 2 wickets every time. Then things come to a stand still.

It's the 38th over and England are currently 220-2. Owhy is about to score a century. He hit 6 sixes...two of them off ROFL. ROFL's mothership is sleeping today. Why oh why!

BUT BOTHA THE MAN GETS HIS WICKET! SOMEBODY GIVE HIM THE CAPTAINCY NOW!

It's not surprising, they are getting closer to the last 10 overs. The wickets will come again. If ROFL and Albie will just stop bowling.

Jacques is apparently injured and can't bowl anymore.

Is this some sort of a cruel joke that Shaun Pollock is the commentator right now? Hi Shaun, stop talking and go down to the field.

I just spotted my Herschelle. Judging by the way England is going, a lot will depend on him today.

I'm going to go watch. By the time I am back, the Saffers better have won this.