Sometimes, Stuart Broad inspires me. It's purely accidental of course, but it happens. This time he has inspired me to spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering what is in each cricketer's belly.
Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.
That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?
Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.
Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.
Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.
Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.
And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.
Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.
Showing posts with label Kemar Roach. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kemar Roach. Show all posts
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
T3D4: Roach problem
Okay, bad title, but honestly I couldn't be bothered to put so much thought into this. The Windies sure didn't. I thought Sulieman Benn was just being annoying. But turns out there are more than one West Indian who think it is uber cool to be all in your face and vocal when the series has already been lost. Sure the Saffers stupidly lost three wickets (what was THAT all about?), but seriously, whatever could Kemar Roach have said to Jakes in such a situation?
Roach: You stupid fatty, you think you've won the series?
Kallis: Actually we have, so why don't you just go and pretend to bowl well?
Roach: You think you are cool hammering us around and having a successful tour? Well let me tell you, there's no dignity in beating us. We suck!
Of course once again, I like both the parties involved. Kemar HAS the bowling talent to accompany his gangster attitude, he just needs to learn when to use it. And let's not get into Jacques Kallis or this post will never end.
But I still am curious as to why the Windies were behaving this way? What did they get out of it other than some hugs from AB de Villiers? (that boy will use any excuse to touch somebody)
Kallis, being the bigger man that he is (literally and figuratively, he could smash Kemar's face into flat bread anytime) sought him out to shake hands with him after...and the Roach continued to sledge him! It was kind of like trying to tell someone who dumped you that you don't think you should see each other any more i.e. pathetic.
Sulieman Benn continued to be in the picture, slyly walked passed Dale Steyn so as to not shake hands with him. Dale Steyn then received the honour of being the Man-of-the-Series and had his entire match fee taken away.
As expected everyone involved tried to downplay the situation.
Men are even more stupid than I thought.
Roach: You stupid fatty, you think you've won the series?
Kallis: Actually we have, so why don't you just go and pretend to bowl well?
Roach: You think you are cool hammering us around and having a successful tour? Well let me tell you, there's no dignity in beating us. We suck!
Of course once again, I like both the parties involved. Kemar HAS the bowling talent to accompany his gangster attitude, he just needs to learn when to use it. And let's not get into Jacques Kallis or this post will never end.
But I still am curious as to why the Windies were behaving this way? What did they get out of it other than some hugs from AB de Villiers? (that boy will use any excuse to touch somebody)
Kallis, being the bigger man that he is (literally and figuratively, he could smash Kemar's face into flat bread anytime) sought him out to shake hands with him after...and the Roach continued to sledge him! It was kind of like trying to tell someone who dumped you that you don't think you should see each other any more i.e. pathetic.
Sulieman Benn continued to be in the picture, slyly walked passed Dale Steyn so as to not shake hands with him. Dale Steyn then received the honour of being the Man-of-the-Series and had his entire match fee taken away.
As expected everyone involved tried to downplay the situation.
Men are even more stupid than I thought.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
T3D3: Spitgate
Dale Steyn got a special albeit late birthday gift on Day 3. The gift was wrapped in anger, decorated with a mouth and went by the name of Sulieman Benn. The gift teased and taunted his team-mates and him. When Dale went to a beautiful leg-cutter by Kemar Roach, the gift laughed at the birthday boy, upon which he decided that he didn't like the gift and spat at him.
It is a serious issue, I agree. Both parties were acting like juvenile delinquents. But let's leave the seriousness to the officials shall we? And let us engage in some much needed laughter.
I always find it funny when sportsmen get upset and exchange words. It's funnier when the ones involved are mediocre at the sport they play, which is often why they use their mouths to try and dominate instead. This is not the case here though. Benn is currently one of West Indies' most important test bowler and we all know how good Dale Steyn is. But that doesn't mean that we can't laugh at this.
Benn provoked much of it, I would say. When he starts talking he can't stop. He got overly excited when Dale came to the crease too, probably because he was sick of looking at the top of Bouchy's head. Sometimes I wonder if that's why he is so angry. Can you imagine going through life, having mostly views of bald spots, budding bald spots and dandruff? But Dale too had no business spitting at him, as funny as it was. That is disrespectful and quite a nasty thing to do. Keep your saliva where it belongs!
Both will probably be fined, but the problem is this will be Benn's millionth punishment. He chirps and riles people up, so the officials like to fine him. I don't mind him talking, he entertains me quite a bit. But I also don't want him to be banned for going overboard, because he really is crucial to the Windies right now. A bowling line up with Edwards, Taylor, Roach and Benn is a bloody exciting one!
Thankfully, for once, this wasn't the only interesting happening of the day. Much to my shock, Ashy P remained not out at 78, still didn't get his century mind you (*insert bitchy smirk here*), but he did get Bouchy run out. That is the only way I can rationalize a player getting run out in the third day of a test series when they are already leading. Benn bowled seriously well to restrict the Saffers and then his best friend Dale killed his top order.
I saw people on Cricinfo blame Benn for that too. But the truth is their batsmen were terrible,they have been terrible throughout the series and Benn, as annoying as he is, gave them a fighting chance and they blew it.
It is a serious issue, I agree. Both parties were acting like juvenile delinquents. But let's leave the seriousness to the officials shall we? And let us engage in some much needed laughter.
I always find it funny when sportsmen get upset and exchange words. It's funnier when the ones involved are mediocre at the sport they play, which is often why they use their mouths to try and dominate instead. This is not the case here though. Benn is currently one of West Indies' most important test bowler and we all know how good Dale Steyn is. But that doesn't mean that we can't laugh at this.
Benn provoked much of it, I would say. When he starts talking he can't stop. He got overly excited when Dale came to the crease too, probably because he was sick of looking at the top of Bouchy's head. Sometimes I wonder if that's why he is so angry. Can you imagine going through life, having mostly views of bald spots, budding bald spots and dandruff? But Dale too had no business spitting at him, as funny as it was. That is disrespectful and quite a nasty thing to do. Keep your saliva where it belongs!
Both will probably be fined, but the problem is this will be Benn's millionth punishment. He chirps and riles people up, so the officials like to fine him. I don't mind him talking, he entertains me quite a bit. But I also don't want him to be banned for going overboard, because he really is crucial to the Windies right now. A bowling line up with Edwards, Taylor, Roach and Benn is a bloody exciting one!
Thankfully, for once, this wasn't the only interesting happening of the day. Much to my shock, Ashy P remained not out at 78, still didn't get his century mind you (*insert bitchy smirk here*), but he did get Bouchy run out. That is the only way I can rationalize a player getting run out in the third day of a test series when they are already leading. Benn bowled seriously well to restrict the Saffers and then his best friend Dale killed his top order.
I saw people on Cricinfo blame Benn for that too. But the truth is their batsmen were terrible,they have been terrible throughout the series and Benn, as annoying as he is, gave them a fighting chance and they blew it.
Monday, June 28, 2010
T3D1: Tactics
Hallelujah! The Saffers have dropped Lopsy and picked Botha instead! What a good decision! Other than the fact that he did great there is also the point that if Paul Harris can be part of a test team than the new, reformed, finally overcoming the trauma of losing his doosra Botes should DEFINITELY be a part of the Proteas test squad. Plus, I have come to the conclusion that Lopsy is a bit over-rated. Although, I have also come to the conclusion that I am judging him too early.
West Indies too have put some thought into their tactics. Maybe Chris Gayle feels like winning this one, just for kicks. They might as well end on a 'high', as I don't see anything scheduled for months to come.
Dowlin was dropped, thank fucking god! I don't really care about the Windies that much but shit this guy was an embarrassment! They still refused to pick Adrian Bharath though and picked Dale Richards instead...again! FYI, he also sucks and has a very South African sounding name. Suspicious.
But the biggest tactic used by the Windies was confusion. Rampaul was injured so Sammy came in, much to my delight. But Sammy too succumbed to injury and was replaced by Pascal who looked into Chris Gayle's eyes too early and hence hurt his neck. All of this made way for one Brandon Bess, whose name strangely reminds me of Archie and the gang. I don't know why...
Dale Steyn also changed his tactics by wearing a heinous pair of sunglasses with white frames and having his handkerchief hang below his cap like an Arab Sheik. He looked quite disturbing. Thankfully Kemar Roach stuck to his tactics by being wonderful and fast.
Fidel Edwards and Jerome Taylor also stuck to their tactics by being injured and absent, which made me very upset. How long do we have to wait to see Morkel & Steyn go up against Edwards & Taylor?
West Indies too have put some thought into their tactics. Maybe Chris Gayle feels like winning this one, just for kicks. They might as well end on a 'high', as I don't see anything scheduled for months to come.
Dowlin was dropped, thank fucking god! I don't really care about the Windies that much but shit this guy was an embarrassment! They still refused to pick Adrian Bharath though and picked Dale Richards instead...again! FYI, he also sucks and has a very South African sounding name. Suspicious.
But the biggest tactic used by the Windies was confusion. Rampaul was injured so Sammy came in, much to my delight. But Sammy too succumbed to injury and was replaced by Pascal who looked into Chris Gayle's eyes too early and hence hurt his neck. All of this made way for one Brandon Bess, whose name strangely reminds me of Archie and the gang. I don't know why...
Dale Steyn also changed his tactics by wearing a heinous pair of sunglasses with white frames and having his handkerchief hang below his cap like an Arab Sheik. He looked quite disturbing. Thankfully Kemar Roach stuck to his tactics by being wonderful and fast.
Fidel Edwards and Jerome Taylor also stuck to their tactics by being injured and absent, which made me very upset. How long do we have to wait to see Morkel & Steyn go up against Edwards & Taylor?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Deccan playing for a loss
Operation: Game against Rajasthan
General wish/want/endeavour: Win the game
Possible problems:
Shane Warne, Gilly's 'best mate'
Graeme Smith, not playing but still Hersch's 'close' friend
Shaun Tait's yorkers
Harsh Umpires
Things going Deccan's way (estimated) :
a) One wrong umpire decision
b) Nothing
Things Deccan can do to make it easier for Rajasthan: Run Andrew Symonds out, right after Herschelle goes.
Things Deccan can do to come out of this mess:
a) Call upon the Chaminda Vaas batting ghost of yesterday (if he even exists)
b) Stop getting run out
c) Ensure that Hersch gets 5 direct, successful hits
d) Call Shaun Tait fat thereby distracting him (The horrendous Rajasthan uniform makes him look curvy)
e) Get wickets
f) Let Kemar Roach play
Some last inspiring Hollywoodesque words during the strategic time-out: If you lose, they win. If you win, they lose. Work it out, it's not complicated.
Post match thoughts: Hersch decided to drop a catch instead. It hurt like a bitch.
General wish/want/endeavour: Win the game
Possible problems:
Shane Warne, Gilly's 'best mate'
Graeme Smith, not playing but still Hersch's 'close' friend
Shaun Tait's yorkers
Harsh Umpires
Things going Deccan's way (estimated) :
a) One wrong umpire decision
b) Nothing
Things Deccan can do to make it easier for Rajasthan: Run Andrew Symonds out, right after Herschelle goes.
Things Deccan can do to come out of this mess:
a) Call upon the Chaminda Vaas batting ghost of yesterday (if he even exists)
b) Stop getting run out
c) Ensure that Hersch gets 5 direct, successful hits
d) Call Shaun Tait fat thereby distracting him (The horrendous Rajasthan uniform makes him look curvy)
e) Get wickets
f) Let Kemar Roach play
Some last inspiring Hollywoodesque words during the strategic time-out: If you lose, they win. If you win, they lose. Work it out, it's not complicated.
Post match thoughts: Hersch decided to drop a catch instead. It hurt like a bitch.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
IPL3
Let me remind you again that Kemar Roach is my new obsession.
Before him it was Fidel Edwards but he has been missing for a while now. I have put ads on every milk bottle available in West Indies. Hopefully the gap in his teeth will seek it out and return.
Kemar Roach was bought by the Deccan Chargers at IPL3. I started watching IPL from the second season where I got bored half-way through. So I am no IPL expert and I only half care about BRC and Deccan Chargers because of the Saffers. Sometimes when I remember Albie's one hit wonder, literally, I watch Chennai too. But not for long because M.S. Dhoni leads to nightblindess in Canada.
I desprately want Ashraful and Mortaza out of Mumbai and KKR. Thankfully, Shakib has not been added to this list as he went unsold again, probably because of his international commitments. I think he would have been available for only like four games. But this is just a theory as again, I don't know much about the IPL.
But I do know about Kemar Roach.
Kemar Roach likes to hurt hairy goblins.
Kemar Roach likes to bowl fast in the hopes that the ball will actually kill somebody.
Kemar Roach then smiles, like a sweet little assassin.
Kemar Roach is a direct descendant of Walsh and Ambrose.
Kemar Roach is only 21.
I have said Kemar Roach about eight times in this article. It is intentional.
Before him it was Fidel Edwards but he has been missing for a while now. I have put ads on every milk bottle available in West Indies. Hopefully the gap in his teeth will seek it out and return.
Kemar Roach was bought by the Deccan Chargers at IPL3. I started watching IPL from the second season where I got bored half-way through. So I am no IPL expert and I only half care about BRC and Deccan Chargers because of the Saffers. Sometimes when I remember Albie's one hit wonder, literally, I watch Chennai too. But not for long because M.S. Dhoni leads to nightblindess in Canada.
I desprately want Ashraful and Mortaza out of Mumbai and KKR. Thankfully, Shakib has not been added to this list as he went unsold again, probably because of his international commitments. I think he would have been available for only like four games. But this is just a theory as again, I don't know much about the IPL.
But I do know about Kemar Roach.
Kemar Roach likes to hurt hairy goblins.
Kemar Roach likes to bowl fast in the hopes that the ball will actually kill somebody.
Kemar Roach then smiles, like a sweet little assassin.
Kemar Roach is a direct descendant of Walsh and Ambrose.
Kemar Roach is only 21.
I have said Kemar Roach about eight times in this article. It is intentional.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Where is Dilshan from?
Clearly a planet where anything less than a century is considered a disgrace. And anything just a runs above a century is considered an okay effort. Just okay. Not fabulous. Soon, anything less than 150 will become atrocious in this place. I suspect Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar are the fathers of this planet and Brian Lara is the 'Wise One' sitting in a corner, smoking a pipe and throwing stray cats at children. And obviously the planet is incomplete without it's troubled child, my Herschelle pre-2005.
What happened today was simply delicious. Zaheer getting the late wickets, a suprising Harbajan run out (he was possessed) and Matthews leading the fightback. Why Kandambi didn't last till the end I don't know. I can tell you that he meant to though. He really did. Please forgive him. After I have punished him of course.
But honestly, Dilshan is a freak of nature and Sri Lanka should do more to support him. Like not have a brain freeze on the days he doesn't perform.
Speaking of brain freeze, Ricky had one when he decided not to enforce the follow on. Or maybe he just wanted to let Watto get to that elusive hundred. Didn't work out too well for ya, eh Ricky?
The delicious event in that match was Kemar Roach getting Punter's wicket.
Kemar Roach is my new obsession.
What happened today was simply delicious. Zaheer getting the late wickets, a suprising Harbajan run out (he was possessed) and Matthews leading the fightback. Why Kandambi didn't last till the end I don't know. I can tell you that he meant to though. He really did. Please forgive him. After I have punished him of course.
But honestly, Dilshan is a freak of nature and Sri Lanka should do more to support him. Like not have a brain freeze on the days he doesn't perform.
Speaking of brain freeze, Ricky had one when he decided not to enforce the follow on. Or maybe he just wanted to let Watto get to that elusive hundred. Didn't work out too well for ya, eh Ricky?
The delicious event in that match was Kemar Roach getting Punter's wicket.
Kemar Roach is my new obsession.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Epic failure!
I wasn't able to cut my umbilical cord. The more I tried to stay away, the more cricket called me. But don't worry darlings, the bitches have been owned...partially, which is why I decided to come back. Actually, I came back because I've been secretly typing up posts for the past few days and not writing has forced my brain into thinking more and more about this blog. The tortures of reverse psychology!
But that is not what the subject is about. I am talking about the epic failure of IPL teams. Now, you are going to say, but two out of the three teams went through. Yes they did. But courtesy of who?
That's right. The INDIAN PREMIERE LEAGUE has done zilch for Indian players. It took one Dutchman, one Australian and one Saffa to get these teams into the second round. How I laughed! Especially, when I read all those articles about HOW his Modiness will get the crowd to come watch the games if the IPL teams are eliminated. Modi my love, it's quite simple really. Get the Indian cricketers to buy tickets for their whole family so that they can come and learn how cricket is really played. Judging from the million cricketers that will NEVER get a chance to play for India (*cough*Chawla*cough*), you will make profit AND teach them a few things. Brilliant?
This is where Lalit Modi bows down to me for stopping that trillionth zero in his bank balance from disappearing. Also, now he can finally buy an Iphone (The guy is this rich and owns only a Blackberry? Shame!).
He should also bow down to Trinidad & Tobago for making this tournament exciting. Seriously, who would have thought a team from the West Indies would beat the crap out of the Deccan Chargers? They are by far the most interesting team of this tournament and such a huge plus for their country! It makes me very happy to see the Gangas, the Bravos, the Simmons and the Mohammeds kicking major international ass! Screw you WICB for keeping them hidden and dragging West Indies down to such a sorry state!
Okay, I have calmed down. It doesn't matter what the WICB did to them before. They will now hunt in packs till a certain Whayle disappears off the face of the Earth. They will then take over and save cricket in West Indies. Just don't forget Kemar Roach. He is magnificent.
Of course, even after all the drama, the Cape Cobras will win.
Aah, it's good to be back!
But that is not what the subject is about. I am talking about the epic failure of IPL teams. Now, you are going to say, but two out of the three teams went through. Yes they did. But courtesy of who?
That's right. The INDIAN PREMIERE LEAGUE has done zilch for Indian players. It took one Dutchman, one Australian and one Saffa to get these teams into the second round. How I laughed! Especially, when I read all those articles about HOW his Modiness will get the crowd to come watch the games if the IPL teams are eliminated. Modi my love, it's quite simple really. Get the Indian cricketers to buy tickets for their whole family so that they can come and learn how cricket is really played. Judging from the million cricketers that will NEVER get a chance to play for India (*cough*Chawla*cough*), you will make profit AND teach them a few things. Brilliant?
This is where Lalit Modi bows down to me for stopping that trillionth zero in his bank balance from disappearing. Also, now he can finally buy an Iphone (The guy is this rich and owns only a Blackberry? Shame!).
He should also bow down to Trinidad & Tobago for making this tournament exciting. Seriously, who would have thought a team from the West Indies would beat the crap out of the Deccan Chargers? They are by far the most interesting team of this tournament and such a huge plus for their country! It makes me very happy to see the Gangas, the Bravos, the Simmons and the Mohammeds kicking major international ass! Screw you WICB for keeping them hidden and dragging West Indies down to such a sorry state!
Okay, I have calmed down. It doesn't matter what the WICB did to them before. They will now hunt in packs till a certain Whayle disappears off the face of the Earth. They will then take over and save cricket in West Indies. Just don't forget Kemar Roach. He is magnificent.
Of course, even after all the drama, the Cape Cobras will win.
Aah, it's good to be back!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I hope Chris Gayle never comes back
I really do. The Windies are not that badly off without the arrogant bastard, you know. Their batting has been miserable since Lara left...possibly even before Lara left. So you can't really blame the second stringers for that. It's Lara's fault for not teaching the youngsters. Hate me all you want, but Brian Lara was technically the leader of West Indies batting and it was his responsibility to make sure at least some of the batsmen could fill the void. You can't replace Lara with one person, but several would have been good enough. Which he didn't. And now every time the former world champions bat, we want to take the t.v and smash it over our heads.
No Chris Gayle's batting doesn't excite me. He is a prick who doesn't give a shit about his team. All he wants is glory and fame for himself. And I fucking hate glory-hunters. Also, the man wears too many shades. People with shades have something to hide. Like, where they are REALLY looking. It's very dodgy.
I...HATE...YOU
Plus, the Windies seem to be doing alright. Don't pull out their win-loss ratio since the contract controversy, it's not different from what it used to be anyway. Their pace attack has caught everybody's attention. Kemar Roach is delightful to watch! Not to mention Tonge. Yes, I used the word delightful. If you saw them bowl, you would agree. Add these two to Edwards, Powell, Taylor and Bravo and you have one hell of a bowling attack. That might be a wee bit of an exaggeration but hey, they are young and competitive. They have the potential to get there.
The batting may still have some hope with Sammy and Smith but the captaincy needs a radical change. I admire Reifer for having the courage to lead this broken side, but he is no captain. Then again, at least he cares about the game and is grateful for the opportunities, unlike the loathsome Gayle.
So I say keep Gayle the Whale out of cricket. Forever.
No Chris Gayle's batting doesn't excite me. He is a prick who doesn't give a shit about his team. All he wants is glory and fame for himself. And I fucking hate glory-hunters. Also, the man wears too many shades. People with shades have something to hide. Like, where they are REALLY looking. It's very dodgy.
I...HATE...YOUPlus, the Windies seem to be doing alright. Don't pull out their win-loss ratio since the contract controversy, it's not different from what it used to be anyway. Their pace attack has caught everybody's attention. Kemar Roach is delightful to watch! Not to mention Tonge. Yes, I used the word delightful. If you saw them bowl, you would agree. Add these two to Edwards, Powell, Taylor and Bravo and you have one hell of a bowling attack. That might be a wee bit of an exaggeration but hey, they are young and competitive. They have the potential to get there.
The batting may still have some hope with Sammy and Smith but the captaincy needs a radical change. I admire Reifer for having the courage to lead this broken side, but he is no captain. Then again, at least he cares about the game and is grateful for the opportunities, unlike the loathsome Gayle.
So I say keep Gayle the Whale out of cricket. Forever.
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