Oh Canada!

Recently, I went to my first ever international match in Canada. Hell, it was my first ever live match watched in a cricket 'stadium'. Don't judge me. Cricket matches weren't the best places for young girls to be at in Bangladesh when I was young. Thankfully times have changed.

I was like a maniac at this game. People around me thought I was strange because I screamed when Mark Boucher came to bat. Nasir Hossain was cheered, whistled at (I am not kidding you...) and also booed (2 drop catches...sigh) by the many, many Bangladeshis there. A lot of people, including myself, were waiting for Lara to bat. He never came. We thought he had backed out in the last minute.

Shockingly, I have just found out that Lara was there but refused to bat because he wasn't paid. Neither were any of the other players. Sanath Jayasuriya among others had to buy their own plane ticket. Mind you this game was to promote cricket in Canada.

I'm not going to lie to you, the game was a poor show of cricket. Half the players looked like they weren't interested, the rest yesteryear's superstars who had put on weight (Oh Saqlain!!). Yet we cheered at every 6 and every wicket like we were at the game of our life. It was a rare opportunity for us. Most of the stadium was empty (it holds 50,000 and there were maybe 5,000 of us) and the pitch was some sorry-ass cardboard because there was a huge baseball game taking place in that stadium the next day. The wicket were the plastic ones kids practice on, but we stayed till the end and enjoyed every moment of it.

Little did we know that the damn organizers couldn't even be bothered to fucking pay the players, so we get this opportunity on a much larger scale moving forward. Is this how you promote cricket in a country?

We didn't complain when we saw the best you had was Sunil Joshi, Stuart McGill (although he made our day when he yelled at the music person for keeping the music on while he was bowling) and some random 'Canadian' cricketer to replace Shahid Afridi. There were some Kiwi superstars there too, but let's face it, they don't draw the crowds. We were still okay with it. We cheered on Jacod Oram's horrible bowling and a bored looking Mark Boucher's many, many half attempts. YOU couldn't even make sure that these players get paid properly so they come back and actually give a shit the next time.

I thought the poor camera angles (which weren't changed because of said baseball game), the jerseys with no names on them (we spent half our time guessing who Batsman 1 and Batsman 2 were) and the atrocious pitch was bad enough. Then you do this?

If you are trying to encourage people's interest in a game at least make a decent attempt. What do you think the cricketers will tell the youngsters who want to play the game for a living?

'Do you want to be broke the rest of your life? Then this is the game for you'.

Hi Canadian cricket, the players that you so proudly brought over to show off and sell your tickets..yeah, this is kind of their living. It's their job! They don't show up to games just to get some love and cheers. Yet they did. For you. Are you ashamed of yourself yet?

I am embarrassed for Canada. I can't believe I missed a once in a lifetime opportunity of watching Brian Lara bat, because some asshole thought it would be okay to drag him all the way here just for fun. I can't believe the state of Canadian cricket. I can't believe these people are actually sitting there and thinking they did a good job because they got some stars to play for free once in a blue moon.

Get the Afghanistan Cricket Board on the phone so they can take over.

T2D1: Let's keep you interested

Game 1: Take the Windies bowling attack and stuff them all in a box. Make sure they are packed tightly. Then go eat something. After walk around and stumble upon the box like you didn't expect it to be there. Look around nervously, approach it cautiously and then open it bravely. All the bowlers will spring out and hopefully surprise you. If they succeed, it will be the only time the Windies bowlers have had any tricks up their sleeves. If not, pack them in tighter.

Game 2: Count how many strands of hair Hashim Amla has in his beard. Oh wait, you don't have enough time because the only Saffa to stand tall to Indian spinners in India is all of a sudden struggling against some Shane Shillingford. Hashim honey, this ain't the original Shane. He is much fatter and cheated on his wife. So buck up and own the bastard. This is the easiest batting practice you are going to get during an actual match anyway.

Game 3: Conceptualize a support group for Gordon Greenidge, Viv Richards, Walsh, Ambrose, Lara...basically any West Indian that has the misfortune of calling themselves the past of this team. Please include heavy drinking and lots of abuse in the agenda. (Note: that guy screaming from the sidelines during the games will come handy when deciding on the abuses)

Game 4: Congratulate Graeme Smith on making 70000 runs. Here's the hard part, to win in this game you will have to convince Biffy to remain in the team as a batsman and a batsman only.

Brian Lara's second comeback

Be honest, how many of you thought, Michael Jordan or Bjorn Borg? I did and although Lara is not one of my heroes, I did not like it one bit.

My hero, Herschelle Gibbs (bear with me, I am making a solid point here), has been a train wreck since 2006. Sure there have been fireworks here and there, but nothing great and it has been painful. Gibbs is not even in the same category as Brian Lara. As sad as it makes me to admit it, Lara is possibly the last West Indian link to a team that once used to send panic waves through the world of cricket. Of course much of that Lara aura was spent trying to carry West Indies on his shoulders and not really being successful. It wasn't his fault, or maybe it was. Whatever it is, if you can look past that, you will know that Lara remained Lara. A regular, batting beast.

Hence lies the problem. Lara's first comeback was a mini disaster. Mini because no one watched the ICL. But Lara followers will know that it was a disappointment of epic proportions. A one time hero had lost his reflexes and less than inept bowlers were conquering him with balls that even Lara's grandma could hit out of the park. This is by no means an exaggeration. If you have a hero and have seen him/her crumble, you will know that this is indeed how it feels.

Lara's second comeback will be with Surrey's T20 team. Considering the fact that he lost his 'Laraness' two years ago, I can hardly believe this is going to be a good thing. It hasn't been confirmed yet but I hope for his sakes he does not come back. It will be pretty devastating for fans to learn that Brian Lara is human after all. And I am pretty sure it will be positively heart-breaking for Lara to have such a line on his Wikipedia page:

"Lara came out of retirement to help rubbish Surrey in their T20 ventures but instead sucked up all their rubbishness and magnified it to a million. This loosely translates to, he scored 30 runs in 20 matches".

Okay, so that WAS an exaggeration. But if it does happen, can you imagine Brian Lara's profile page ending with that? That is possibly worse than having to watch Lara captain the West Indies.

Don't do it your Laraness. Let us remain forever in your glorious years.

Where is Dilshan from?

Clearly a planet where anything less than a century is considered a disgrace. And anything just a runs above a century is considered an okay effort. Just okay. Not fabulous. Soon, anything less than 150 will become atrocious in this place. I suspect Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar are the fathers of this planet and Brian Lara is the 'Wise One' sitting in a corner, smoking a pipe and throwing stray cats at children. And obviously the planet is incomplete without it's troubled child, my Herschelle pre-2005.

What happened today was simply delicious. Zaheer getting the late wickets, a suprising Harbajan run out (he was possessed) and Matthews leading the fightback. Why Kandambi didn't last till the end I don't know. I can tell you that he meant to though. He really did. Please forgive him. After I have punished him of course.

But honestly, Dilshan is a freak of nature and Sri Lanka should do more to support him. Like not have a brain freeze on the days he doesn't perform.

Speaking of brain freeze, Ricky had one when he decided not to enforce the follow on. Or maybe he just wanted to let Watto get to that elusive hundred. Didn't work out too well for ya, eh Ricky?

The delicious event in that match was Kemar Roach getting Punter's wicket.

Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

WICB: We're Indeed Chris' Bitches

What the fuck! Not only is Chris Gayle coming back to international cricket, he is CAPTAINING the West Indies once again. Darren Ganga, the man who showed the whole world that cricket is not dead in West Indies, has been overlooked because his batting is not up to par with international standards.

Agreed. He has a freaking miserable international average. But how can that be the major criteria to be captain? Batting average can be improved with practice. Can Gayle's arrogant, stubborn, fucking money-hungry nature be improved?

The West Indies players get next to nothing compared to other international cricketers and their cricket board is a fucking joke (they might have beaten PCB, BCB and BCCI!), so the strike wasn't completely unjustified. But nobody believes Gayle when he says things like 'It's always an honour to Captain West Indies'. He doesn't give a shit about his national team. I remember watching him against the Poms after he was pulled away from IPL2. WI was playing disgracefully and the fucker just stood there in the field looking completely disinterested as the Poms piled on runs. Probably counting the amount of money he was losing by not playing in the show-off galore in his head. And has he even guided the Windies to any series victories? Man, now I really wish Brian Lara was captain!

I am so fucking pissed! I want to know what kind of services Gayle has been providing the WICB while Ganga was away working hard to build his career. I am pretty sure it was the 'under the table' kind.

The truth is out there

'I'm not a stats man. I score runs for my country and when I come out, all I am focused on, is winning the game. All these milestones are very nice, but they don't motivate me. I guess I'll look at it after my career is over and enjoy them'.

Sounds familiar? Punter was not the only one who said it after surpassing 12,000 ODI runs last night. Jakes said it, Sachin said it, Lara said it, Gavaskar said it...hell I'm pretty sure even Border said it! Or maybe not. Which is fine because they don't really mean it, you know. It's the standard answer written for them by their PR managers.

I'm not asking them to be arrogant, but for God's sakes don't lie to us! For once, just for once, I would like a player to be like " YES! I loved it very much! I am fucking dancing up and down with joy and would like to achieve many more milestones! But my country comes first of course".

Sure, I'll be the first one to call them glory-hunters, but they HAVE worked very hard on these achievements. They should at least be allowed to say that they enjoyed it and not relegate it to some end of career afterthought. Hello! There are only eight players to have scored 10,000+ Test runs. Eight. Out of hundreds! That deserves a Spring Break in Florida type of celebration!

Another thing that majorly annoys me is the diplomacy of captains when their teams suck miserably. They look for positives like, 'Oh that over, where we gave only 15 runs, that was something to take away from this game!'.
Not it was not. You are going to go to the change room in a few minutes and scream your lungs silly. Why not just say it?
" I have a SHIT team and I am fucking going to kill them all. I am also going to chastise myself with a whip for being a disgusting captain. And oh, the opponent team did not outplay us. They only won because we were too busy playing backyard cricket instead of real cricket. We'll expose them soon."

Of course, this is not in reference to any series in particular...:)

I should really become a cricket speech writer and save the fans from all the woefully repetitive, fake answers. We are not dumb. The truth is out there and Mulder has already shoved it down our throats.

I hope Chris Gayle never comes back

I really do. The Windies are not that badly off without the arrogant bastard, you know. Their batting has been miserable since Lara left...possibly even before Lara left. So you can't really blame the second stringers for that. It's Lara's fault for not teaching the youngsters. Hate me all you want, but Brian Lara was technically the leader of West Indies batting and it was his responsibility to make sure at least some of the batsmen could fill the void. You can't replace Lara with one person, but several would have been good enough. Which he didn't. And now every time the former world champions bat, we want to take the t.v and smash it over our heads.

No Chris Gayle's batting doesn't excite me. He is a prick who doesn't give a shit about his team. All he wants is glory and fame for himself. And I fucking hate glory-hunters. Also, the man wears too many shades. People with shades have something to hide. Like, where they are REALLY looking. It's very dodgy.

I...HATE...YOU

Plus, the Windies seem to be doing alright. Don't pull out their win-loss ratio since the contract controversy, it's not different from what it used to be anyway. Their pace attack has caught everybody's attention. Kemar Roach is delightful to watch! Not to mention Tonge. Yes, I used the word delightful. If you saw them bowl, you would agree. Add these two to Edwards, Powell, Taylor and Bravo and you have one hell of a bowling attack. That might be a wee bit of an exaggeration but hey, they are young and competitive. They have the potential to get there.

The batting may still have some hope with Sammy and Smith but the captaincy needs a radical change. I admire Reifer for having the courage to lead this broken side, but he is no captain. Then again, at least he cares about the game and is grateful for the opportunities, unlike the loathsome Gayle.

So I say keep Gayle the Whale out of cricket. Forever.

Twittering Cricketers

Is possibly the funniest thing on the web since sliced bread. They have also surprisingly revealed the personalities of certain cricketers exactly as I pictured them. Here are my deductions and conclusions:

Phil Hughes (PH408): is just a little kid after all! He famously outed his exclusion from the third test on Twitter. But he wasn't punished because apparently the timing of the tweet proved that he wrote it after the selectors had already made the final eleven public. Me thinks he showed up with a lollipop in his mouth, said he is 'thorry' and batted his long lashes at Merv Hughes. Of course the fact that they have the same last name had nothing to do with Phil getting away with it. Since the incident, Phil's only had one mundane tweet about the weather being lovely for cricket. Somebody tell him that the saying 'When in Rome' should not be practiced in England. Otherwise we might all become tea sipping, stuffy shirts with bad teeth while visiting the lovely Kingdom.

Chris Gayle (henrygale): is an arrogant twat. I came across him on Twitter during the war between WIPA and WICB. Gayle's tweets were all about how the bosses were playing hardball and of course once the series was lost, he could not help being smug about it. But wait, it gets worse. He then went on to write about his gym sessions where he called his chest 'super duper'! Chris Gayle doesn't need cricket, his super duper chest earns him money.

Which he spends at the Reggae Sumfest and parties at Negril. Fans on twitter (and twitter only) have been asked to join him at the Negril party next year. I suspect if you do, you will get a first hand view of his super duper chest and abs. He will then offer you different kinds of shades all of which will make you look worse than him, since you know, Chris Gayle is the coolest man alive.

Proven by the fact that he has better football skill than Brian Lara. And as we all know, Lara is the best footballer in the history of West Indies Cricket. It's how he scored his many double, triple, quadruple hundreds...with his feet. But despite all of that, the huge crowd at Oval was there to see the big striker-CHRIS GAYLE! He rewarded his fans by scoring 1 goal out of 6 chances. The performance was as epic as the sinking of the Titanic.

James Anderson (JimmyAnderson9): is English. Plain and simply DULL. If you want to know what Jimmy's daughter does at 6am, what he had for dinner and how his wife sounds, by all means follow his Twitter page. The only tweet that deserves some attention is the one where he announces to the world how his irresponsible wife managed to lock their 7 months old daughter and the car keys in the car for an hour and consequently traumatized the kid. Excellent Jimmy. Way to alert social services. Of course if he keeps these kinds of tweets up his wife will eventually leave him and he will be portrayed as yet another cricketer who was a victim of a gold-digger. That will traumatize the daughter further. Note to all future psychiatrists: if you are treating Miss Anderson for various psychological disorders the root of her problems lie in the facts that her father is a horrendously daft twitterer and her mother thinks that a 7 months old can unlock the car and let her in, on the occasion that she leaves her keys inside.

The most fascinating part of Jimmy's twitter page is the fact that he has 12,477 followers. This right here is the reason why England won't come out of the recession. They are too busy learning that Jimmy Anderson is currently watching the last two episodes of season 7 of 24. Without this knowledge, the English would regularly cry themselves to sleep.