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SA was brilliant. Morne was brilliant.

Australia you SUCK BALLS!

This post also sucks balls but it is all I have time for right now.

Another fact that sucks balls is that I will be missing the grand finale tomorrow.

It's a regular suckfest.

Let me know how it goes. Specially if Australia loses. Which they will.

No, I will NOT!

The worst thing about getting lazy is right when you have compiled a thousand and one ways to make fun of the Aussies, the Saffers come up with a performance like the one we were subjected to yesterday.

And I was going to make so much fun of Pat Cummins being Barbie's pre-pubertal Ken with zits that are so terrorized by Saffa batsmen that they pop on their own.

I hadn't bargained for SA's wonderful middle order. Actually, was there even a middle order? I certainly didn't see them. Did you?

I didn't see the bowling either, so I can't really comment on how that went. But it seems like the pitch worked pretty well for Pat Cummins (who better fade away soon). So I don't know what my Dale and Morkel were doing.

Of course, the correct way of going about this is to blame the rain. South Africa loses 90% of the games that have been affected by rain. The rest 10% are washed out.

So no, I will not write a proper post on this because there are still two more games to go and Ricky Ponting will very soon revert back to his 'can't bat, can't captain' stance. I can feel it coming.

My only consolation from this game is that Witchy Mitchy is soon going to feel the pressure from Ken Cummins and give us the joy of pie chucking.

(In case you are wondering, I will also not mention Bangladesh's glorious revenge against the West Indies. I would have, had it been the second ODI of the three ODI's series but it wasn't. It was the last miserable game and the series had already been lost by then. So what is the point? Bangladesh-always coming up with a stellar performance when all has been lost. We have to fucking change the format of every series for them. Start with the last ODI first! Idiots.)

It didn't go well boys

I woke up and had a heart attack because SA were 11/2. Well, it wasn't that great of a heart attack because one of the men gone were Graeme Smith. I don't like him. Specially when he decides to drag the ball onto his own stumps.

Playing for the Aussies are we Smithy?
(Please get Majeed on the phone)

Anyway, that aside, it was a disaster. Darling Duminy tried his best and god some of his shots were beautiful. But hey, guess what...Aussies can bowl! Who the fuck is this Cummins and why, oh why does he have that haircut?
Most importantly, how did the Aussies find a T20 bowler that is neither Dougie, Binga nor Nannes?

And who the hell did SA have? Rusty...and the rest had names but they were all in fact...rusty. As in out of practice. Yeah I know, I am rusty too.

But who gives a shit? SA lost. And they actually lost quite pathetically. Dropped catches (three: Graeme-WHO HAS FAT HOOVES FOR HANDS, Botha, BOTHA AGAIN), missed runs outs, inability to stop easy singles, shitty bowling.

Should I go on? It doesn't even sound like the South African team I know.

Stop going on vacation guys, enough is enough! And do not feed me that, this is only T20 shit. It's a game against Australia. THIS SHALL NOT BE TAKEN LIGHTLY!

Hash didn't impress either. But it's okay, because I like him.

I'm such a fool.

P.s: Where is my son?

1.5 hours...

TILL THE SAFFERS TAKE ON THE AUSSIES.

That is all.

Australia try to intimidate the Proteas

Australians are well known for their mind games. Seeing as their trash talks haven't worked in a while and their team is currently a subject of 'snickering secretly while pretending to intelligently analyze what went wrong', they are trying new tactics. For example, they sent a T20 captain who is...well a visual monstrosity. As in he is ugly. He is so ugly that he makes Ricky Ponting look pretty.

Oh dear...

Such level of ugliness can only be meant to scare the crap out of our Protea boys. Talent and strategies, they can deal with. But how the hell do you deal with an ugly gentleman looking at you for eight hours? How do you battle bad looks?

However, Australia's other captain is campaigning for a bigger intimidation scheme. He is the Pup and he has a gigantic bat and ball. Err..that's no euphemism. 

Courtesy of funny man MartyD

" I may have a teeny-tiny brain but my big bat and my big ball will sweep the Proteas out of the stadium".

Please note that your ball is damaged. Pun intended.

Twelve days to go..

Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.

Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.

Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team. 

Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.

ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES. 

AB is injured and out.

The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.

The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.

But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.

All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.

But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.

Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.

Why should I return?

Have you been watching cricket recently? HAVE YOU?

England, on a quest to be the number one test team of the world, have magically tapped into their inner winner. I didn't even know such a thing existed with the Poms, but there you have it. They are kicking ass. Even Mascaraman is a winner this time around. He must have dug up his inner champion from someone else's grave.

India are on the receiving end of this new English attitude. Supposedly, they too are vying to be the new Australia (world champs+test champs+piss everyone off champs). A poor choice of ambition, considering their bowling attack consists of a staggering nobody.

But wait, who makes up England's bowling attack? James Anderson...and the obscure one hit wonders.

iLaugh.
India dies.
At the hands of a Barbie doll.

Then we have my countrymen who have attempted to disguise themselves in horrendous orange, lest they fail. I appreciate it, because it shows they are thinking ahead. "In case of yet another embarrassing performance, wear a different coloured uniform. All stones will be diverted to the wrong bus anyway".

Well Bangladesh, here's a line for you: If you try again and again without success, failure may just be your style.

I am beginning to believe that.

How can I end a post without talking about my beloved Proteas. Who you say? I say the same thing. Who are these non-existent, fleeting men in green who only show up for certain periods of the cricket season, and never stay for the climax?

*Insert dirty joke here*

So in a nutshell, this is the era of England and India (not choosing since I can't bear it to be the era of either), Bangladesh will replace Zimbabwe in the number 10th spot and the Proteas are too busy being degenerates.

Nobody loves me.

No sweat

Who is bothered about the results? We bowled well, other than the last two overs, lost fewer wickets than Australia and clearly was just magnanimously trying to teach Australia how to play tests again. Sure, we chose a really fucked up time to begin the lessons but we tend to get carried away with our big hearts.

There are still two more matches to go. The DOG  will be tamed to a puppy again. I am sure of it.

Then, YOU WILL ALL REGRET NOT WATCHING THIS SERIES.

Then again, watching Australia lose isn't really a rarity these days.

I have hope

Now that the World Cup is over (and I have no other excuse to stay up all night and be disfunctional at work), I look forward to the Aussies coming to Bangladesh. More so because for the first time, I have hope.

That would be hopes of a win. Yes, a win. Against the Aussies.

Let me tell you why.

First of all Australia are living on reputation. They are no longer to be feared, specially when they are being led from the front my someone called Pup. Michael John Clarke is your captain? Really Australia? Michael Clarke who has yet to figure out what One Day Internationals actually are? Let's not talk about how good he was once upon a time because Michael Clarke...also living on reputation.

Second of all, any recent ODI's where Australia did not lose were played against Kenya, Canada and New Zealand.

Third of all we have spinners. Actual spinners. Not some Warne wannabes. It is irrelevant that we never had a Shane Warne to live up to. What is relevant is that YOU can't play spin.

Fourth of all Australia in the subcontinent. Do I need to even explain that?

As you can see, as this post has progressed, the hope has grown into belief. Soon, I will be gloating all over the delusional Sid from Thoughts from the Dustbin. Incidentally, she thinks it's only Bangladesh. Go read it here.

At least we had the brains to drop Crashrafool. I hear you've still kept Mussey?

Of cycles

Life is a cycle. Hence upon coming back to life I quickly died for a second time, because people thought a very good welcome back news would be that of Bhajji scoring a test century. It was instant death. No time for goodbyes. Hell not even time for the last gasp. Shame on you!

Australia is also in a cycle. It's called the shit cycle. Sometimes the cycle breaks because really shit is not circular. Shit just piles on and makes things shittier. I don't mean excretory materials, I mean shit that happens. But when you yourself are the shit that happens to...yourself, what can you really do? Think about that sentence long and hard. It's not that complicated. It basically means Australia had a fabulous third Ashes test series again and Mitchell Johnson was the main reason behind it. He swore at the press, Australia became all cocky again and England crumbled. Sounds familiar? No children, your life is not in repeat. Australia is. The only factor that's different here is that the next test is a Boxing Day test, and Australia have never lost those. I say never because I am too lazy to do research. But I am sure it borders on never. But does that really change anything? England is still the better team. Please do not ask me to explain that sentence. I've already ripped my heart into pieces typing that.

Not everybody is going around in cycles. Kallis just broke his cycle of getting close to the 200 mark and jumped right through it. I didn't know if it (what else did you expect?) till I went to Cricinfo and saw a picture of Kallis' hair. By now the picture has become legendary, so I won't bother putting it on here. But I will tell you that I actually started reading the caption because I thought Kallis had batted for so long that he had actually started growing hair. I mean it's Christmas time and he is 36. One of these days Santa had to give the boy what he really wanted right? It was only then that I realized that he had actually batted to 200 runs, not 200 days. I celebrated his achievement by brushing my own hair.

He has inspired me to break this cycle of absence that I have been stuck in lately. We will take it one day at a time. Don't get your hopes up, but know that I am trying.

In case I am gone for a long time, I will leave you with this very thought-provoking question: Am I Mitchell Johnson?

101 reasons why I like the Kiwis

I've been trying to figure out why I like the Kiwis so much. Apart from the fact that they have Daniel Vettori and are basically neutral like Switzerland I mean. So I was reading up on them when it suddenly struck me.

New Zealand is considered by many to be a state of Australia.
Canada is called the 51st American state.
Truth is, We are both a million times better than our neighbours.

That was reason number three.

The Kiwis always surprise people with their cricket. We never look at them and say, 'this team is so fucking talented they will rule the world one day'. Then they thrash India by 200 runs.

That is a huuuuge margin. Even bigger considering three of their top players and match-winners were all absent. Vettori is apparently in labour, Jesse Ryder is still drunk and Baz is probably at sea, in a quest to truly find his calling.

That is reason number four.

Reason number five is IOB. Enough said.

Then there are others, like Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Shane Bond and of course Stephen Fleming. Stephen Fleming alone can be reason number nine to a hundred. And because of his awesome performance I will now add Daryl Tuffey to that list.

Reason number hundred and one.

Strangely, by the end of this list I have also managed to come up with a reason I like India: they gave Dhoni grey hair.

Or maybe it was the wife.

Don't worry about Ricky

I heard, because I am being such an gigantic bum when it comes to keeping up with cricket these days, that Ricky the bastard Ponting may retire if the Ashes is lost in Australia.

First of all, I have a sneaking suspicion that that is not going to happen. As in Australia won't lose the Ashes in Australia. I'll give you the reasons later, when the series starts. But for now, let's assume that the Aussies lose the Ashes a second consecutive time (i.e. be delusional) and consider Ricky's future.

Ricky Ponting is a man of many talents. Being a bastard is one of the main ones and it is one he pulls off with complete ease. But there are other sides to his character as well. For example being a stubborn pig, carrying an ego that is bigger than him (but how hard is that really?), helping children with cancer, the ability to have cute children...although I suspect his lovely wife has a bigger contribution to the 'cute' part.

And all of these skills are actually transferable off the pitch. But the one that's really going to get him through his fall from grace is his acting skills.

Yes children, his acting skills. You might know by now that I like Ricky Ponting and hate him at the same time. I have no clue why, but I suspect that his stellar commercials has something to with it, like this one that I just saw over at Jrod's.

Did you even know Ricky Ponting could talk in a high pitch, shrill voice? It's like the woman in him just came out, the drag version of Punter- Rikisha Panini (or Panty Rutting as suggested by Sophie from Test Match Sofa).

Don't worry about Ricky he will be fine even if he retires. And if everything else falls through there is always Valvoline. You know what I mean?

While I was busy...

Yes, it has happened. I am too busy to watch cricket and what fucking annoys me that all around me, EXCELLENT cricket is being played!

Of course I am exaggerating because the only excellent cricket being played is in the Australia vs Pakistan series where the Aussies are taking no part in the excellence.

Aussies, not a part of excellence.

THAT in itself is EXCELLENT!

And I am missing it.

Pakistan's bowling is also excellent, which is only expected when you have Aamer and Asif in your team.

I am still missing it.

Also, Murali got 800 wickets. I watched till 799...then I got bored. I have a sneaking suspicion that it was more India wanting to give him wickets so that he could end his career on a high.

I kid. Murali is...how shall I put it...'clever in his own way' but India still looked like they were dying to give him wickets didn't they? Maybe they have "bring Lalit back" parties to go to.

Lastly, after their comeback against Ireland (fucking hell!) Bangladesh lost to Netherlands.

I am actually glad that I missed that. You should be too, otherwise you would have had to read yet another article on how Bangladesh have disappointed me. What is the point?

The point is, I am busy and I am missing cricket.
I hate it.

Child Labour

After trying the whole 'let only senior citizens play for the cricket team' experiment, the Aussies have now moved to the other side of the spectrum. They are now employing children to play for them.

It may work, just like the Senior Employment Program did...for a while anyway. However, it was years of frustration that propelled the players into becoming a super cricket breed. Most of them could form their own friggin' cricket team and thwart the national one, but they waited patiently and it paid off. What could the children bring to the table?

Maybe Lollipops for the opposition team, or the ice cream truck; big round sad eyes when the opposition bully them, a cuddly bear for Andrew Hilditch that say 'you're simply the best' every time you rub it's belly. 

However they bring it to the team, I congratulate Australia for finally growing some balls and trying out something totally innovative and new. If this works, it may spark a new trend, not only in cricket but in other sports as well. Giving fresh young blood a chance when they are still in their diapers...who would have thought?

In case you are wondering, Stuart Broad is sulking about not being the suspiciously baby-faced person anymore. We have suggested that he get over it and embrace his inner Barbie.

Warding off injuries

I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.

Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.

P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.

Ricky's prayer

Oh Tasmanian Devil,

Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.

Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!

Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.

Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.

Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.

Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.

Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.

Amen.

I didn't know that...

1) I dislike the Poms and the Pakistanis more than I dislike Australia. Otherwise today's win wouldn't have given me so much joy. It could also be that this was by far the best fucking game in the whole tournament though.

2) I want to own Shane Watson and hit him again and again, just to see THAT look on his face. I would invite all of you over as well for some dinner, drinks and then a game of smack the Lollipop Boy.

3) I don't like it when Michael Clarke plays T20, let alone captain a side.

4) Highlights could look so ghastly on anybody.

5) I am also one of those that never write Australia off till the game is done. I don't write Pakistan off either...off a loss that is.

6) Captains always don't need to lead from the front for the team to go through to the finals. Puppy and Colly have been in piss poor form, but taking all the credit. Specially Puppy boy. Fuck right off, you didn't do shit for your team!

7) Saffers are actually missing a lot of things from their side: a match-winner, a gutsy player, players that can turn things around for them at the blink of an eye, players that can play Ajmal...okay, I forgive them for the last one.

8) A team losing from a winning situation year after year, could still keep us entertained using the exact same tactics- cumulative brain loss.

Things that make me cry

1) This thing with its tongue sticking out, getting one of my favourite assassin's wicket. Looks like he stuck out his tongue and swallowed Dilshan's mojo, like a frog.

2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.

3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?

4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!

5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.

I don't like either of these teams.

Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!

Seriously?

Those of you who watched Gilly and Gibbs bat will be saying the same thing.

Seriously?

There was once a 80 something year old woman crossing the street with groceries, shuffling quickly so she could reach the other end  before the sign changed. She moved faster than Deccan's scoreboard in the whole match.

Seriously.

Ideally, these two players would not have played in the semis. But they did because Gilly is the captain and you can't drop the captain for bad form (But honestly, you should be allowed to in important matches!) and Gibbsy got a game purely because of his big-match kaboom reputation. It was a stinky, big-match kapoop performance.

Chennai bowled exceptionally well, but Deccan batted like cripples who have been further hindered by the neighbour's dogs latching onto their backside. Behind every unsuccessful Deccan batsman, there is a giant fucking labrador.

Seriously.

Now, Chennai are in the finals facing Mumbai and I am miserable. I dislike both teams and want neither to win. But if I HAD to pick (because of the same ass-grabbing labradors), I would go for Chennai. It was simply a case of who I hate more, Durby or teams that dress like Australians. Turns out Durby takes the cake. A big one. Smack on his face.

Unfortunately, I am cursed so this means Mumbai will win and I will frown ever so slightly because really, the best part of this IPL final is the fact that the T20 WC starts in seven days. IPL is O-V-E-R.

Seriously.

Deccan in the semis!

I am beyond ecstatic. Obviously, when they lost 5 in a row I was the first one to give up on them. But what you don't know is that this is my strategy. I am not even lying. It has been proven time and time again that the teams I support lose: Deccan, Trinidad and Tobago, Bangladesh, South Africa, Real Madrid...

So I changed teams. I openly announced my support for RCB in the Deccan vs RCB game and sure enough the Bangalore boys went splat all over the place, like a fat woman had sat on them. No, I didn't sit on them. I am not fat...sometimes.
I knew Deccan would pull through, because of the lovely Gilly. Gilchrist is my favourite Aussie. I think most people will agree with me. He didn't score big a single time, yet managed to drag his full, raw team into the semis. The very happy smile on his face and his natural,calm composure was very good to see. My general philosophy about Gilly is that he should always be happy. Just because he is an Aussie and the world doesn't hate him.

Deccan has done it all this IPL. Loss, win, disgusting loss, crushing win, vomit-worthy drops, eyebrows raising catches etc. etc. I do feel though that they deserve to be in the semis, simply because of the way they have clawed their way back. They went from being neighbours with the perennial losers (KKR) to sitting prettily next to the table toppers (MI). If that is not an inspiring comeback I don't know what is. And much of this is Gilly's doing. Today, Vaas put that extra special touch to it with his tremendou final over. Every fucking ball was so beautiful I choked up and briefly said hello to my emotions. See, sometimes it pays off to be associated with Saffers and choke!

But of course M-O-M went to Deccan's Knight in Shining Armour, Herschelle Gibbs. Although he got out to a stupid shot and was one of the Colly life-savers, my Hersch played the knock that pushed Deccan to at least a defendable total.

Before you say it, I know it was Roy. I just pretend not to see beyond any bald heads, so I can claim them to be any bald person I want them to be. Invariably, I always claim them to be Herschelle Gibbs. I wonder why!