It didn't go well boys

I woke up and had a heart attack because SA were 11/2. Well, it wasn't that great of a heart attack because one of the men gone were Graeme Smith. I don't like him. Specially when he decides to drag the ball onto his own stumps.

Playing for the Aussies are we Smithy?
(Please get Majeed on the phone)

Anyway, that aside, it was a disaster. Darling Duminy tried his best and god some of his shots were beautiful. But hey, guess what...Aussies can bowl! Who the fuck is this Cummins and why, oh why does he have that haircut?
Most importantly, how did the Aussies find a T20 bowler that is neither Dougie, Binga nor Nannes?

And who the hell did SA have? Rusty...and the rest had names but they were all in fact...rusty. As in out of practice. Yeah I know, I am rusty too.

But who gives a shit? SA lost. And they actually lost quite pathetically. Dropped catches (three: Graeme-WHO HAS FAT HOOVES FOR HANDS, Botha, BOTHA AGAIN), missed runs outs, inability to stop easy singles, shitty bowling.

Should I go on? It doesn't even sound like the South African team I know.

Stop going on vacation guys, enough is enough! And do not feed me that, this is only T20 shit. It's a game against Australia. THIS SHALL NOT BE TAKEN LIGHTLY!

Hash didn't impress either. But it's okay, because I like him.

I'm such a fool.

P.s: Where is my son?

T3D1: Tactics

Hallelujah! The Saffers have dropped Lopsy and picked Botha instead! What a good decision! Other than the fact that he did great there is also the point that if Paul Harris can be part of a test team than the new, reformed, finally overcoming the trauma of losing his doosra Botes should DEFINITELY be a part of the Proteas test squad. Plus, I have come to the conclusion that Lopsy is a bit over-rated. Although, I have also come to the conclusion that I am judging him too early.

West Indies too have put some thought into their tactics. Maybe Chris Gayle feels like winning this one, just for kicks. They might as well end on a 'high', as I don't see anything scheduled for months to come.

Dowlin was dropped, thank fucking god! I don't really care about the Windies that much but shit this guy was an embarrassment! They still refused to pick Adrian Bharath  though and picked Dale Richards instead...again! FYI, he also sucks and has a very South African sounding name. Suspicious.

But the biggest tactic used by the Windies was confusion. Rampaul was injured so Sammy came in, much to my delight. But Sammy too succumbed to injury and was replaced by Pascal who looked into Chris Gayle's eyes too early and hence hurt his neck. All of this made way for one Brandon Bess, whose name strangely reminds me of Archie and the gang. I don't know why...

Dale Steyn also changed his tactics by wearing a heinous pair of sunglasses with white frames and having his handkerchief hang below his cap like an Arab Sheik. He looked quite disturbing. Thankfully Kemar Roach stuck to his tactics by being wonderful and fast.

Fidel Edwards and Jerome Taylor also stuck to their tactics by being injured and absent, which made me very upset. How long do we have to wait to see Morkel & Steyn go up against Edwards & Taylor?

WI draw first blood

Saffers got a small total, so small that Botha had to come back after retiring hurt. Then Morkel, who is having a friggin' awesome series and still not winning any man of the match awards murdered the Windies along with one eyed Charl. Charl's devotee, one eyed Botha also did well, even after the assault. Now there's a symbol of hope.

West Indies did nothing to try and reach the small total. SA won the series but they will still play the remaining two matches, just for kicks.

Absolutely nothing else happened in this match. Literally.

Give the win to West Indies

The Saffers batte(d) brilli(a)ntly, the(r)e is no doubt about that. The top o(r)d(e)r is fi(n)ally making me smile again.

Although, Ha(s)h's brilli(a)nt batting (m)akes (m)e want to punch the selectors in the face, I am going to put a restraining order on m(y)self. I am just happy that they are winning.

(D)(a)ve Mille(r) (r)(e)mi(n)d(s) me of (a) young AB, although let's not ju(m)p on that bandwagon yet. It's only his first series. I a(m) slightl(y) concerne(d) however, (a)bout what this means for Albie. If Alvi(r)o and Dave a(r)(e) firi(n)g it up, I fear Albie is going to be left out of the squad. Yet, I still have high hopes for that man.

JP ha(s) fin(a)lly been dropped, (m)uch to (m)(y) joy. Shut up, he needs it.

I am mo(d)er(a)tely satisfied with the bowling. They a(r)e bowling innume(r)ous wid(e)s. Maybe the heat is making them halluci(n)ate, maybe I am ju(s)t missing the bigger picture, m(a)ybe I a(m) being too picky. Actually fuck that. Fro(m) two matches, the(y) have 18 wi(d)es comp(a)(r)ed to West Indies' 12. That's an a(r)(e)a of concer(n). Lop(s)y is (a)lso an area of concern. Honey, when you are co(m)peting with Wayne Parnell and Ryan McLaren, I would say what you are doing in this series is (m)aking sure (y)ou never get picke(d), ever (a)gain. Thankfully, Johan Botha in the othe(r) end is b(r)inging a lot of joy in my life. Saff(e)rs may have a spi(n)ner...I can hardly believe it! No, I won't believe it till you come smack me. Easy now, you will have to fly to Canada first.

I can happily overlook the fielding mishap(s) bec(a)use (m)ost of the(m) were made by m(y) favourite Buffalo. Who cares about misfiel(d)s when you c(a)n happily make jokes and stick it into his big chin. I have also just (r)ealized that he can loose as much weight as he wants, his head will (r)(e)mai(n) gigantic. Meaning, more ammo for me. Life is indeed very good and shallow.

But ye(s), despite (a)ll this, let West Indies have this win. Not because that will (m)ake this series interesting and not because SA played a(m)azingly well and then nearl(y) lost it. But because of the man who hit (D)(a)le Steyn fo(r) two consecutive sixes and became a beacon of hope in this so(r)ry ass W(e)st India(n) team. The only man in maroon to believe.

I found it only fitting to put his name all over this post. 

Sequels always disappoint anyway

Last year, the match between Pakistan and South Africa was one that people were looking forward to. Everybody wanted to know if the Saffers were going to choke or finally make it to the finals of an ICC tournament. If they were going to choke it was going to be good comedy, if not then it was going to be good comedy as well...considering the other team was Pakistan and the events that usually unfold after almost all their tournament exits. Either way, it was a game we were going to enjoy and we knew it.

Saffers lost, people laughed and eventually Pakistan went to win the World Cup. High drama, tension, crazy Afridi moments, unpredictability and even a heroic attempt from Jacques Kallis. All the characteristics of the perfect summer blockbuster.

This year when the sequel inevitably came out, people were at two-minds about it. Neither the Saffers nor the Pakistanis were in form. Both teams were missing the point (the point being winning helps), both teams were being captained by unimaginative, hairy people but both teams were in a do or die situation. Saffers were slightly on top, as winning the match would at least give them a fighting chance regardless of who won the next one. Pakistanis needed to win AND have England win theirs.

Too many ifs, buts and whatevers. Too many players acting like they were auditioning for matches, rather than playing it. Too much green.

But people still hoped for a good match. Some were sure Pakistan was going to own SA again, others thought even a stuttering SA was too good for them. Yet others thought, why try to beat Pakistan when Pakistan can beat themselves?

Pakistan won the toss and batted first, like last time. They even started terribly. Then they consolidated and eventually reached a respectable score. The match was different, yet there was some familiar bits and pieces. Only, Botha didn't bowl like a dodo bird (ROFL replaced him) and Charl played Parnie's role, but better. Overall, the Saffers did more than okay with the ball, despite Umar Akmal trying to fluoroscent his way through the attack.

Then the chasing began and here was the difference between last summer's blockbuster and the sequel. Within the year Saffers had forgotten how to bat, specially their top three. AB replaced Jakes as this summer's hero; he even swore. But then, like every Saffa batsman these days, he got out the minute he started to clear the boundary. To the 'shitscoop' too. At least that's what Dilshan seems to have taught him.

JP got out before someone could blame him for slowing down his team again and the Saffers fell to yet another spinner, only it was Saeed Ajmal. Ultimately they lost and people happily called them chokers despite the fact that they have been doing the exact same thing in limited overs for about seven months now.

Yes, the differences had a familiar tone in this sequel. Hence, the changes didn't work, nobody was super excited and the match was not a blockbuster. Specially if you are a Saffa fan. But then the Kiwi-England match happened and people could happily forget the disappointing sequel.

Now the unpredictable Pakistanis are in the semis and still have a chance to retain their cup. If that happens, then there is sure to be a third part to this story, which will be even worse.

Remember the Matrix Revolutions?

The good, the bad and the mushy

The good:
-Saffers won comprehensively. Also qualifies under "the shocking".
-Saffers found form, specially AB and Albie. Another "the shocking".
-Morne bowled well in a T20 match (man I should just rename this the shocking!)
-Botha coming out of his mourning period since the loss of his doosra and bending his elbows in new and legal ways to deceive the Sumo himself!
-One eyed Charl.
-Saffers finally figuring out where to use Albie...the 15th over. The melted brains work after all.
-Dan the man showing emotions by shaking his hips mid-air. The dude can also dance, I may just have to clone him.
-The Kiwis still making a match out of it ( I do like them you know)

The bad:
-Albie still bowling.
-Jakes and his wonderful strike rate of just a little above hundred. What happened to the IPL form old man?
-Jakes' hairline receding even further! "Boucherzel, Boucherzel, lend him your hair".
-Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL getting dropped, coming on as a sub AND misfielding! This allowed bastard Buffalo to insult ROFL by calling on Dale, whom ROFL had subbed. Dale was suspiciously tying the strings of his pajamas at that time.
-Ross Taylor being shit. 
-Saffers building themselves up to be favourites before the tournament is done again...

The mushy:
-My Hersch replacing Bosman.
-My Hersch hitting fours.
-My Hersch hitting sixes.
-My Hersch taking stunning catches.
-My Hersch ensuring his place in the side for the rest of the games.
-My Hersch fielding like a fucking genius.
-My Hersch inspiring this awesome post over at Cricbuzz.

Dear God, I know I am not your favourite child but PLEASE make sure Gibbsy retains this form and plays till I am dead.

Thank you.

Harro plans his WC campaign

I kid you not. Paul Harris has left the Titans in order to play MTN40...so he can prepare himself for the upcoming World Cup. Paul Harris wants to play in WC 2011 in the subcontinent where there will be no fifth day turning pitches. In fact, I am pretty sure that there will be no pitches that can make Harro's ball turn. Why? Well, because such pitches don't exist yet.

He wants to add to his 3 ODI's and 42 List A games. He has taken about 3 wickets in the 3 ODI's at a stunning strike rate of 60 and an average of 27.66. But at least his economic rate has been 2.76, which is not too bad. However, his case can only be made through his List A figures:

42 matches, 1251 runs, 47 wickets, average of 26.61, strike rate 37.2 and economic rate of 4.28. He even has a five wicket haul. But fuck me if that isn't rubbish. ROFL's strike rate in List A is at least 8 lower and the bugger has 97 wickets from 63 matches. I'll refrain from making a comparison with Botha because his figures are even worse than Paul's.

Yet Botes is in the ODI team.

So should the Saffers go for the man who has more experience playing ODI's or the man who has better List A figures? Dropping ROFL is out of the question of course, because his alien friends might eat Majola. But I suspect Botes and Harro will have to battle it out. Except this is the fucking World Cup and really, shouldn't we be judging Harro by ACTUAL ODI's? Even if he has only three of them under his belt, he was clearly terrible. And they were all played against Bangladesh in..wait for it...BANGLADESH!

Where is the World Cup taking place? Yes, I believe Bangladesh is one of the hosts. They may not play there but it's the fucking sub-continent! And Harro has played only 3 god damn ODI's there!

Plus, Harro isn't much of a bowler...but you already know that so I don't have to repeat all of it again. Lastly, I suspect that by the time the WC gets here, everybody will have figured out how to belt the shit out of him.

As if they haven't already.

Saffa spinners are officially woeful

Why state the obvious? Because the selectors have the daunting task of choosing the one that is less horrendous for the upcoming test.
Fortunately, making a comparison of crap is much easier than making deciding between the best. For example, if Parnie and Tsotsobe were fighting over the third bowling spot (which they are-Ryan McLaren is in the scuffle too), things would be tougher. If we were to go by yesterday's performance in the warm up game.

But the grass IS much greener on the other side. Take Paul Harris' crap figures in yesterday's game into consideration, and they scream FUCKING PISSOFF/CON-ARTIST/BATSHIT! Or simply 12-0-71-5.91.

Then, when you are all cried out, you go take a look at Johan Botha's figures. Botha is the man right? Our capable vice-captain. Well, okay. As much of a man as you can be with 12-0-44-1-3.66. Slightly better. Botha may not be batshit but I doubt he has the skills to win a test match.

So it's a classic case of shit vs shit. And although it looks like Botha may have won this round what about their other skills?

Botha's short, sometimes sweet-sometimes bitter, high variety batting. In the ODI's. We can't remember what he used to do in tests. Whatever he does, he will be reported for chucking. Or maybe it's baseball when it comes to the batting action.
Versus Harris' jolly, "I want to score a century" batting. Never will he score a century, yet when he goes out, it seems to be his sole purpose. The whole time he bares his teeth like he is in a romantic comedy. But at least we remember how he bats in tests. That makes the score 1-1.

Then we move on to the fielding. None of them are known for their impressive fiedling skills. Sure, a good catch here and there, but it's only when the ball decides to land in the soft hands of a spinner having been roughed up enough. They are the manicurists of the cricket world. Batsmen are the pedicurists, with their dancing feet. Fast bowlers, they are just callous and unpolished.
So the only way to decide the fielding category is to judge who makes for more pleasant viewing.

Botha has an okay face, proportionate to his body and a nice shape. However, Paul Harris has that hair that has a life of it's own. Very entertaining to watch. We don't even need to go beyond that.
But Paul Harris is also too tall, which leads to neck sprains and back aches. Not to mention being unable to look where we have been looking always, straight ahead, at par with our eye level. It's very annoying.

Then, in a completely unrelated category, Botha can fly.

It's unfair I know. Giants can't get their mass to move upwards, but Harris can't get his ball to do that either. So it's 3-2 to Botha.

Congrats Botes! You are the chosen shitty one.

Saffers go to India

To take on the team who took the numero uno status from them. The Incessant Crack Consumers give these titles out, so who really cares? Except we all do and so do they. Nobody's buying this "they are just stats" bullshit, so stop selling.

I already see problems with the squad. Paul Harris and Johan Botha are in the test team as specialist spinners.But if not them, who else you ask? Well...nobody. That's how sad the situation is. I had once written about how ROFL and Botes had finally become spinners and it wasn't a seasonal thing etc.etc. Turns out I should learn to shut my pie hole. And Botha should find a way to be effective without the doosra.

But you got to make do with what you have right? So here's the way to deal with Paul Harris. Send him off on a tour of India on foot. Tell him he should be back in time for the first test. Except he won't. And you will at least have put in a decent performance. Well, as decent as you can with a man who hasn't played tests since 2008. And JP Duminy.

MY HERSCHELLE IS BACK! Who doubted him again? Show your face so I can smash it into pieces!
(He will play right Mickey...?)

Anyway, here are the squads:

Test squad Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe.

ODI squad Graeme Smith (capt), Loots Bosman, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Herschelle Gibbs, Jacques Kallis, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Roelof van der Merwe.

Of course, despite all odds being against them I am hoping the Saffers win and Harro has a good tour. If Hauritz can do it Harro so can you. YES YOU CAN!

But in all honesty, I am really hoping AB de Villiers releases a chart-topping single with Asha Bhonsle. AB, you can also do it.

Poll

There's a poll over at the Super Sport website asking whether Biff should be replaced as captain.

So far 370 voted, 70% said no and 30% said yes. Which is strange as I know many people who want Biff to be replaced.

It is a fair call, Biff has been testing Saffa fans with his pig-headedness and motor-mouth for a while now. We didn't mind it so much last season because he was actually producing results on the field and breaking some bones in the process. This season, we have gone back to disliking him.

It's not unfair, because leaders are really tested when the team is down. Currently, the team is a level below down and Biff has done zilch to turn things around. He tried in the Champions Trophy, but he failed.

However the question is, is it too late to replace him? The World Cup is only 14 months away and training a new captain is an added hassle they don't need right now. Plus, Botha might be slapped with yet another chucking accusation. Anytime now.

If Biff is replaced and Botha is too busy trying to straighten his elbow, Ashwell Prince might captain SA. When was the last time he played again?

Exactly.

Sigh. It looks like we will have to let the Buffalo be captain for yet another World Cup.

It sucks to be Graeme Smith

I've been sitting on this one for a while now, because the topic was blown out of proportion in another website but everywhere I go, every Graeme Smith related post seems to have some comment about his current girlfriend Brigitte Sarembock. But I finally decided to say something because, I wouldn't be me if I didn't share my opinion.

The most common words associated with Sarembock are 'plain' and 'ugly'. It bothers me every time not because I consider myself to be a moral police (not qualified, not pretending to be), but because I found it puzzling that so many people have the same line of thought regarding this person. Johan Botha's wife is not a model but no one calls her plain. So I was thinking and I realized that the problem is not the girlfriend, but rather the boy they are dating. Let's face it. Graeme Smith has a more aesthetic appeal to most girls than Johan Botha does. On top of that Brigitte Sarembock is not some super-model, she is an everyday person with an everyday job.

Brigitte is you, she is me, she is the girl next door. That means she is not in some out of touch fantasy league that celebrities are usually thought to be. And she is dating the national captain of South Africa. When people hear that they think, it could have been me. She hits too close to home and we don't like that. We like our celebrities to remain in some world which is not a part of our lives. This I think, is the problem that most people have with her. I wouldn't call it jealousy. Just the exposure of a hidden yearning to be known in this media-centric world.

But back to the subject, when Graeme Smith was dating Minki she was called too slinky and not worthy of the national captain. When Graeme Smith dates Brigitte, he is accused of having bad taste. When Graeme Smith is single, he is labelled gay. Then of course there are those of us who criticise him for being an unimaginative captain. Mostly justified, but a lot of times it's just plain bias. Man, it really sucks to be Graeme Smith.

I didn't write this to teach anybody anything. I wrote this to share my thoughts. This post by no means warrants any sort of derogatory comments on Brigitte or a brooding World War III. But yes, if you want to take a stab at Graeme Smith the cricketer, please go ahead. After all, criticism can only make him a better captain...one day!

Scandalous

Cricket Minded to Michael Vaughan
Cricket Minded to Michael Vaughan

Jonathan Trott has been caught mingling with *GASP* SA's Captain and Vice-captain at a party! It was the England Welcome party, so it's not like Trott put on his fancy white shirt and black pants in the dark and sneaked out of his hotel room to meet them in secret. But that's even worse! He literally waved his South Africanness right at their faces. That traitor! This picture is a clear message of where Trott's loyalties really lie.

He is happy too!

I demand Michael Vaughan write a book about this.

Hmm

South Africa won their first game against Zimbabwe. All fine and dandy but I don't know what to make of this win. I didn't get to see it. From Crapinfo stats, South Africa's bowling seems to have gone horribly and as MJ tells me, their fielding was also crap.

South Africa's main strength is their fielding. FML? Indeed.

Hash opened and made a fabulous score in all his illegal drug glory. This might mean that he will be replacing Hersch in the future (did you really think there will be no mention of my Herschelle in this post?), which is....still questionable. Seeing as Hash was originally thought to be Jacques' replacement in the number three spot. Either way I love Hash and am pretty sure he is the next captain of South Africa. After Biff has been overthrown by 50 hunch men, Botha has reigned for a bit and AB is all cried out.

Boucher had the lowest score amongst the Saffas...again! What the fuck is going on with him? I didn't know bad form could transcend over seasons and breaks. Actually I did but still, what the fuck Bouch? That's all I got for you.

Is Albie Morkel back? I'm not going to get too excited. It's only Zimbabwe after all. But 50 from 39. How can I not get excited? Oh yes, just check his bowling figures.

Bowling, bowling, bowling...8 extras. Not epic, but it's there. Only 6 wickets...letting Zim get to 236 for 6 from 48 for 5...FUCKIN' HELL! Biff had to be behind this! I don't know why. When I see the highlights, I'll tell you why but I just have a gut feeling that the Buffalo is the reason this shit happened. The Buffalo is the reason any shit happens. That's right. Global poverty is Graeme Smith's fault.

I'm going to call upon Dale's grandkids from wherever the hell they speak to him. Maybe they can convince him to shed his crapiness.

Botha's midlife crisis

Once again, Johan Botha was accused of having an illegal bowling action. Once again, some cricket board made him go through the test and once again Botha has been cleared. Has it occurred to anybody that Botha might have found a way to cheat in this tests by now?

Not that he did, because his bowling action is JUST FINE. But I wonder what the world has against Botha. CSA won't let him captain the Proteas even though he is clearly a better captain than the Buffalo, Mickey won't let him play in tests and every god damn rival player calls him a chucker the first chance they get. I think this is what they call a midlife crisis.

But Botha is not alone in this. Soon-to-be daddy Albie also seems to be going through some midlife crisis of his own.


Trying a little too hard Albs! But fear not. Your good friend Johan will guide you through this. Together the two of you will conquer all obstacles of middle age and emerge victorious, all the while knocking the Poms around.

Notice Morne's expression is saying 'Oh no you didn't!'. I should get a certification for fabulous face reading.

Interesting nicknames

It has come to my attention that some of the Proteas have very interesting nicknames. There must be a story behind each of these, but I don't know any of them. However, they are all wonderful for the imagination and that is exactly what I am doing with this post. Exercising my imagination.

Note: All names that do not add to the mind have been left out. And the ones whose origins we already know. By we, I mean me.

Albie Morkel: Berg. The analogy is possibly with an iceberg which is funny because Albie is neither cool nor melting slowly to add to the effects of global warming. Although if I stretch my imagination really, really far, Albie has been able to sink cricket giants like Australia with his powerful batting in the past. I would like to remind him that icebergs never stop sinking ships. In other words find your destructive form, FOR THE LOVE OF MORNE!

Ashwell Prince: Ashy P. There is clearly no story behind this name, but it had to make the list because it appeals to one's humour. Ashy P. Pee on the Ashes. His pee is like soot. I get the feeling Andrew Strauss might want to take Ashy P home after the series.

Hashim Amla: Hash. As in hashish? So we can say 'That guy his dope!'. In gangsta language that means he is awesome/amazing/the bomb/bitchin'! You get my drift.

Jacques Kallis: Boogie. My imagination only went as far as Jacques Kallis must be really good at the boogie woogie. Then it was halted by the image of Jacques actually doing the boogie woogie. That put together with the picture below just sent me into bouts of laughter. Sorry Jakes. I love you, I really do. But you and the Boogie...God help us all!


Johan Botha: Stone. I'm sure Botha likes to think of this in a Stone Cold, Steve Austin way but I'm afraid Botha is not macho enough. But then again, he is a spin bowler. Spin bowlers don't need muscles. They need brains and stone-faced demeanor to let the batsmen know that they are superior. I'm sure that is where he gets his nickname from. His emotionless, perfectly chiseled face that give away nothing. As oppose to Biffy's flat, big chinned, panic-stricken one.

Makhaya Ntini: George. How very strange to have a nickname that is an actual name. How very strange to be nicknamed after the stupidest person alive! My imagination fails here. Does Macky look like a George? Last I checked, Ntini was not looking for weapons of mass destruction, he IS the weapon of mass destruction. As soon as I am done this exercise I am going to give Macky a new nickname. Something like the Terminator.

Mark Boucher: Rab. At first glance this seems random. BUT, if you take out the middle potion of his first name, the first letter of his surname and rearrange it a bit, what do you get? RAB! My brain is tired from the sheer work behind this. Some people have too much time in their hands!

Thankfully, I am not one of those people. So this is where the exercise ends. But I think my brain has grown in size, ever so slightly.

Bad boy Parnie

You gotta hand it to Crapinfo. They really know how to make headline out of nothing. I went to check the Saffa news and was shocked to learn that Wayne Parnell had been left out by the Warriors for 'disciplinary reasons'. Apparently, they dealt with the issue personally and refused to say anything further on it.

See when information is withheld like this, it allows wicked minds to wander far and wide and come up with dangerous answers. Maybe he got into a fist fight with Makhaya for telling him that his international career is over. Maybe he laughed at Botha's pathetic attempt to overthrow Smith and take over.Maybe, just maybe, he told Shamone that Jacques and Mark were actually closet lovers.

All untrue things concocted by wicked minds in the hopes of starting vicious rumours. And before you point your fingers at me, I said wicked not cricket. So clearly, this is not my mind.

So before these minds were at work, I frantically went to my best friend Google to clear up the mess. This is what it told me:

"The 20-year-old kid stayed out late at a PE nightclub apparently, one of the eve of a first-class match against the Highveld Lions starting on Thursday in East London."

Wayne Parnell was disciplined because like any other 20 year old, he was out on Saturday night partying. He was punished by being dropped from one silly first-class match.

This was the epic event that Crapinfo thought was news worthy.

AB-Paul reunited

I was doing some research on which spinner the Proteas should play against the Brits. Since ROFL's alien friends have yet to give him permission to play tests (in five days they could invade half a galaxy) and Johan Botha hasn't played in them since February 2008, the only other option was Paul Harris.

I wish it was Paul Adams but unfortunately he was the frog that became a prince when the Proteas kissed him into the team. And the prince sucked at bowling.

Annnyyywaaayy, once I had made peace with the new Paul, I merrily frolicked around the internet reading up on Harris and building his case. That's when I came across this.


Amy S. was famous for calling out on the secret relationship between Harris and AB. I always thought that it was one of Amy's ingenious skits. But this photo proves that she was right all along. I must say that the photographer managed to grab his camera at the right time to capture the intimacy of the moment. Not that the camera was the only thing that was grabbed to make the picture perfect.

I hope someone will kindly call Harris' wife and explain to her the virtues of sharing.

Alternative options

The Proteas have to wait till November to launch their revenge campaign against the Poms. Breaks are clearly very bad for them. Although, some of them will be playing in the Champions League...but that's T20 so technically a vacation. I would suggest for them to engage in other competitive sports in the meantime so that they don't have to be subjected to this sort of embarrassment again. Here are the options:

Graeme Smith: Swimming


Wayne Parnell: Sprinting


Mark Boucher & Johan Botha: High jump


Albie Morkel: Lunges


That's right boys. No breaks for you!

The return of the Saffa spinners

That's right. They are Saffers and they are spinners. GOOD spinners. Impossible you say? Well check out the evidence:

20.6 Botha to Sammy, no run

20.5 Botha to Sammy, no run

20.4 Botha to Sammy, no run

20.3 Botha to Reifer, OUT

FL Reifer lbw b Botha 1 (5b 0x4 0x6) SR: 20.00

20.2 Botha to Reifer, no run

20.1 Botha to Reifer, no run


19.6 Van der Merwe to Bernard, no run

19.5 Van der Merwe to Dowlin, OUT

TM Dowlin b van der Merwe 5 (8b 0x4 0x6) SR: 62.50

19.4 Van der Merwe to Dowlin, no run

19.3 Van der Merwe to Reifer, 1 run, driven to mid on

19.2 Van der Merwe to Reifer, no run

19.1 Van der Merwe to Smith, OUT

DS Smith lbw b van der Merwe 17 (27b 2x4 0x6) SR: 62.96

They may not be able to bowl a doosra or have straight elbows but they are fast becoming a spinning duo to reckon with. I was worried that it was a seasonal thing...but it clearly is not. And with effective spinners being such a rarity these days (*cough*Australia*cough*) it makes me very happy that the Saffers have found their very own.

Of course, it also makes me happy that my BD boys Mahmudullah, Shakib and Enamul have formed their own spin mob. I call them the Sweet-faced Gangsters. They look so innocent that even when they are taking your wicket it's like they are giving you a gift. 'Here, you look tired. Please go have a rest in the dressing rooms'. LOVE IT!

Also, excellent news for both my teams with regards to WC2011. Speaking of which, how many ways do you think Australia, England and West Indies will embarrass themselves in the World Cup?