Sex sells

It has come to my attention, due to twitter being so quiet and of course the empty grounds, that nobody...and I mean nobody, is watching the SA vs WI series. As a Saffa fan, I find it my moral duty to promote their matches and I am going to use the oldest trick in the book: sex.

I admit that these matches don't have the excitement of an unknown lover like a Virender Sehwag innings, neither do they have Daniel Vettori. But this is what they do have:

-Dale Steyn's yorkers. I have certified it as the sexiest thing in cricket right now. Standard Bank Cricket agreed.

-AB de Villiers crouching. Let's just leave it at that.

-Dale Steyn and Kieron Pollard, two very angry powerful men, pushed and shoved a little bit during the T20's. The fight may continue. Now, this may not become a catfight, nor will they suddenly engage in amorous activities while fighting, but that can only be a good thing right?

-Darren Sammy and Jerome Taylor...bowling fast, deadly blows that have the capacity to flatten little men like JP. You know, just in case you are into these things, this series has it.

Admittedly, this is not a very long list but maybe you guys can add to this by...you guessed it, watching the matches! Don't be cricketed out when SA are finally winning!

Also, if you like my marketing call the WICB and ask them to give me a job.

10 ways to avoid getting dumped

1) Orange screws up all brains, avoid orange at all costs.

2) When she makes a move and comes flying towards you, catch her. Dropping her on the ground will just, I don't know...piss her off and kill her.

3) When the hot mistress is on the bench and your world is spinning, don't go for the idiot (albeit a slightly adorable one) who doesn't do spin. Let the hot mistress in when the time is right.

4) Just because you paid the Australian to screw up and make you look good, doesn't mean that he won't come back and grab your girl.

5) Never trust a girl you stole from your bitter rival.

6) If you must throw her like a dart, at least pretend to be good at dart-throwing.

7) Don't send a dart-throwing gigolo to do a lover's job.

8) When picking your strategy, remember that hard and fast doesn't always work.

9) Having only one asset is an error because once the asset is gone, it is the end.

10) Just because you are in top form most of the time, does not mean she will not ditch you when you screw up. So try not to make a mistake till you have her hundred percent, and even after.

Moises is a captain

I'll give you a minute to stop laughing.

Done? Okay.

So Stuart Clark was injured, more like depressed about his Test rejection, and NSW decided to announce, and I quote, "Australia's Golden Boy" as their captain.

This is where I remind you guys that Kieron Pollard likes to eat Moises (I have a crappy name) for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Moises has 24 First Class wickets, since his debut in 2006 and 25 List A wickets. I have no clue what List A is, but what about this record sounds golden? WHAT about this record makes him stand-in captain worthy?

Having talent is something else, but you have to be able to execute that into records to achieve something. People are praising him for playing a captain's knock because he added 65 runs to his top order's 207 in the first innings and took 3 wickets overall. And still lost. How very shocking!

It might be a tiny glitch, but I have heard that Australian players are bred to be the absolute best because at no point during their training are they given anything that they do not deserve. Even if it was their dying wish. And this is the Sheffield Cup, where most of the tough bastards are born.

But now, Shane Watson is still over-hyped, they can't find a decent wicket-keeper and modelling queen Michael Clarke is going to one day lead the Aussies in tests. The very thought of that sends my into hysterics. Do you see anyone in the team respecting this man as their captain?

A good batsman, yes. A team man, sure. A friend, maybe if he puts on a shirt. But a captain? Every time he gives an insipirational talk, his team-mates are going to picture him topless, hiding his privates with his fingers.

What is wrong with Australian cricket?

The Bald and the Beautiful

It was pretty much the story of Hersch, JP and Bravo wasn't it? Bravo being the beautiful for his awesome batting. No points for guessing who the bald are.

Ravi Rampaul made a guest appearance towards the end of the Cobras innings. Damn, that was some fine example of death bowling! But it still won't get him in the IPL. His name is too Indian-sounding. And clearly the IPL has nothing to do with Indian players. Sorry Ravi.

I am actually indifferent to the result. It's not like this is the Proteas. I only went for the Cobras because of Hersch and he thankfully decided to finally rise from ground zero. He did his part with the batting and the fielding. If he could bowl, he would have done that splendidly too. It's not his fault that the rest of the Cobras were shockingly bad. Speaking of shocking, here's a funny picture where Davids actually looks surprised after dropping the second catch.

Focusing all his energy on the drop...

It's funny because he took some amazing catches against Bangalore in the first match. Meaning as I laugh, I am crying in the inside.

Right, so T&T are through to the finals. You know what that means right? Kieron is sharpening his bat on a strop while Moises is praying for Anubis to come take him away. But that ain't happening. Anubis will be too busy chilling with me and cheering KP on as he busts your balls again and again and again.

Cricket balls that is.

Sweet-faced Assassins

I think I have finally found my entourage of secretly evil men to help me in my quest for world domination. You can call them SA or SFA. Either way, they sound like a Saffa group which reflects my undying love for the Proteas. The name also sneakily serves the purpose of throwing off Interpol, Europol and any other pols that are going to come looking for us. They are going to scour the inches of Africa while I am happily hiding in some remote corner of Bangladesh with my harem of wicked men.

Introducing the first of many SFA men:

Name: Jean-Paul Duminy
Location: In BRC's nightmares
Code Name: Blankie
Sweet-face specialty: That nearly million dollar smile
Favourite Method of Assassination: Complete annihilation

Name: Kieron Pollard
Location: Moises' bowling nets
Code Name: The Real KP
Sweet-face specialty: Innocent looks that don't need to be hidden behind shades
Favourite Method of Assassination: Hitting little boys out of this world

Name: Roelof Van der Merwe
Location: Somewhere in the galaxy, far, far away
Code Name: ET
Sweet-face specialty: The alien living inside him
Favourite Method of Assassination: Anything that gives him the chance to raise his hands like a maniac and yell 'C'mon baby!'. This is followed by precisely two claps. He is very meticulous, our ROFL.

Name: Shakib-Al Hasan
Location: A secret garden where Modi can't find him
Code Name: Blackberry Storm
Sweet-face specialty: His broken English. If you read between the lines this is what is speeches really mean:
"Yes, we had good game today"
(I killed out there today and now I am going to kill you)
"Boys were very supportive"
(Boys are also going to kill you)
Favourite Method of Assassination: Plunging knives through them number ones to claim their spot.

We will move from country to country, getting rid of those that give cricket a bad name. We will not rest till the KPees, the Buffaloes, the Mingles, the Whayles, the Bhajjis and the genital warts carriers have been wiped off the face of the Earth. We will fight till cricket is on every person's lips, being repeated like a war-cry, till it's the only word to be heard from space.

"Cricket, cricket, cricket, cricket, cricket"

To hell with anyone who stands in our way.

Daym son!

It's the only appropriate response to Kieron Pollard, who by the way has an awesome name. Almost as awesome as Kemar. Almost.

Three games, three wins-that's Trinidad's record in this tournament. Everyone thought their winning streak would end in this game, which it nearly did. Speaking of which, did anyone know Phil Hughes could also be effective at T20? I swear he is some sort of a cyborg conceptualized by Merv and co. to save Australian cricket from the clutches of Mr. Bingle and his missus. Of course, he was manufactured at the Banana Republic...hence the inclusion of the American in the team.

Back to Pollard. Kieron is a young man with big dreams. When he is not dreaming about whooping Chris Gayle's ass, he likes to assault boys with nasty names like Moises Henriques. When Moises was born, his parents could not decide which religious character their son would take after- Moses or Isis. So they took a chance and named him Moises. Thereafter, they crowned him the King of Catastrophe. It is little wonder then that he was bought by the Kolkata Knight Riders and a magnificent batting beast from a 'cricket-doomed' country treated his bowling with disdain. In a match where Stuart Clark was trying to prove that Cricket Australia had named the wrong T20 captain, Henriques coiled like a pussy, allowing Trinidad to win from a losing situation. Oh, and his middle name is Constantino...as in a constant sucker. His parents never gave him a chance.

This is the second time the Aussies has been smacked around by a single West Indian in T20. I had mixed feelings about the first game but this time around I am gifting Pollard a license to assault anyone, anytime.

But remember, even after all this, the Cobras will win.