Congrats Shakib, but so what?

I see on Crapinfo in this glorious day at work (where I am sleeping) that Shakib has ended Jacques Kallis' reign at the top as a Test all-rounder. A great achievement to say the least. Toppling Jacques Kallis requires 10 more Jacques Kallis's. Both literally and metaphorically.

While I am very happy for Shakib, this is not good for the team. Remember when India only relied on Tendulkar and he was the only one bringing in the accolades? What did that do for India? Nothing. Of course Bangladesh is an even worst version of that Indian team, but honestly, this only means that the rest will rely on Shakib even more now. The attitude will be, we got Shakib and Shakib's got our back. Hence we will continue to be who we are. An embarrassment.

I haven't been watching their recent games because checking the scores on Crapinfo the next day makes me miserable enough. Bangladesh should probably give up their test status and register as a county team. If they will take them that is.Who wants a county team who ends most of their five-day ventures in two? And their one day ventures before lunch.

You would think that Shakib's continuous achievements would inspire the others. But no, they continue to pile it on the boy. It's quite sad really. Or really smart. Make him do all the work and take all the credit right?

FYI Bangladesh, it didn't work for India and it won't work for you.

You better believe it.

Pat Cummins is so young...

1. Pat Cummins is so young that by the time he was born, Justin Bieber was already a superstar.

2. Pat Cummins is so young that he needs a note from his parents to leave the hotel on players night out.

3. Pat Cummins is so young that Michael Jackson would have befriended him in a heart beat.

4. Pat Cummins is so young that when Liz Hurley walked by with Warnie, he could not stop his thingy from standing up.

5. Pat Cummins is so young, Ricky Ponting is considering him as a prospective husband for his daughter.

6. Pat Cummins is so young that every time he swears at a batsman, his mother come out and smacks him.

7. Pat Cummins is so young, Mitchell Marsh is his legal guardian.

8. Pat Cummins is so young it is illegal for a thirteen year old to have dirty thoughts about him.

9. Pat Cummins is so young, for him the first major event in World History was the death of Osama Bin Laden.

10. Pat Cummins is so young, Shakib is wondering whether it is actually time for him to retire.

11. Pat Cummins is so young, he can copy Sachin Tendulkar's voice perfectly.

12. Pat Cummins is so young, his physical features are still developing.

Else, that is a very unfortunate nose...

Joke's on you, India

Mumbai Indians are a strange team. People who follow them consist of those that think that they are the best team in the world and those who viciously try to prove that they are over-rated. One suspects that people's reasoning for thinking that Mumbai are the best team in the world because they have Sachin. Of course all logic fails afterwards, so we will not elaborate.

One also suspects that haters hate Mumbai because of their fans. This by all means is a gross generalization. My research sample is completely biased and most of it is just good old fashioned intuition. But that is what makes the joke funnier.

Amongst all these: the lovers and the haters, the fanatics and the sworn enemies, one factor continues to remain overlooked. It is this factor that makes me laugh out loud because it actually affects both parties. I dislike Mumbai immensely (despite the on and off presence of Shaun Pollock in the team) because of this factor.The factor is Harbhajan Singh.

Durby plays for Mumbai and India. Durby is often considered an important weapon for both his teams. Durby consistently gives a 'meh' if not disgustingly inadequate performance for both the teams. Mumbai Indian fuels this inadequacy, as Durby is rarely replaced but always cherished...just like in team India. All this limited overs exposure means Durbhajan Singh Durby, is sure to be in World Cup squad.

Mumbai Indians recently lost a match they had already won because Durby thinks his bowling is acceptable.
Most haters and lovers of Mumbai Indians are Indians themselves.
India are one of the hosts of the 2011 World Cup.

You see why I am laughing at them?

That's it?

I missed the Sri Lanka and India game yesterday because of work. Story of my life lately! But I did log onto Twitter for a bit to see what was going on and I realized that I missed something very interesting. Twitterville was buzzing with opinions on the 'Randiv incident'. I couldn't wait to go back home and look it up.

When I did, it turned out that Randiv had deliberately bowled a no ball, when India needed one run to win so Sehwag would not get his 13th ODI hundred. And I thought to myself, that's it?

By the reactions of those on the internet, one would think that this was Sehwag's last ever ODI match and he was denied a glorious exit. I am sure Sehwag was at his prolific best as he often tends to be but seriously, what a fucking sorry-ass of an incident!

This has less to do with Virender Sehwag and more to do with batsmen and their continuous whining. They whine about everything. Pitches annoy them, audience members distract them, umpires give them unfair decisions, bowlers deny them centuries...hello, that's their fucking job! Just because the match is lost, he is supposed to hand you a century?

And don't give me all that crap about the 'Spirit of Cricket'. What is the Spirit of Cricket really? You can bend that law/saying/intuition/whatever it is supposed to be to make your own point. Like statistics, it is only there to serve your purpose and nothing else. Like, if this was the century that was going to take Sehwag past Sachin Tendulkar in the record books, I would have used the Spirit of Cricket bullshit to blast Randiv and condemned him for his act. See how easy that was?

And if we are so big on the Spirit of Cricket how about investing in something called the Spirit of Bowling as well? Let's not expect bowlers to pick up the slack of shitty batting performances; let's have harsh punishments for terrible fielders who drop the one fucking ball that comes to them after the bowlers have toiled for hours; let's recognize the bowler's contribution not only when he has taken wickets but also when he bowled brilliantly but remained wicket less. LET FAST BOWLERS BOUNCE THE BATSMEN! Let spinners deceive them. Make pitches...aah fuck it! That's a lost cause.

My point is, had this happened to Shane Watson, we would have all laughed and said he deserved it for being a twat. And Watson is, if you force your brain to think about it for a few seconds, a pretty talented batsman as well. We would have said that Randiv was being competitive, so why support Sehwag's whining?

Me, I am glad he got stranded on 99. Just like I support an opposition team's increased efforts to rattle a batsman when he is in the 90's, irrespective of the situation.

Fan or Fanatic?

Answer the questions to find out if you are borderline psychotic or just a good old sports nuts who doesn't mind the occasional bar brawl.

Question 1: Your team loses a final match because they sucked so bad, minnows could have beaten them in their sleep. You watched the match with a group of friends who were all supporting the other team. Your friends are trying very hard to not rub it in your face by pointing out that they only lost because they played terribly. You:

a) Call upon your inner Senshi and knock all your friends out with one kick [6 pts]
b) Try to jump out of the window because you have been betrayed by the very people you thought were your friends [8 pts]
c) Sit silently and appear to be calm but really, you are trying to figure out how to finish off the members of your team one by one [4 pts]
d) Pretend to cry hysterically (okay, some of the tears are real) so your friends stop teasing you [2 pts]

Question 2: Someone tests your loyalty to your favourite player in the whole world by asking you to get his/her name tattooed in a very questionable area of your body. You:

a) Agree immediately. Heck, you sleep with this person's picture underneath your pillow so why not? [8 pts]
b) Agree but only if you also get to put the name of your significant other next to it [6 pts]
c) Refuse outright because...you already have his/her name tattooed in a very questionable area. You are not about to get a second one, that would be crazy! [10 pts]
d) You refuse on the grounds that you don't need to do anything so outrageous to show your loyalty, a fake tattoo will work just as well [4 pts]

Question 3: Sachin Tendulkar just declared to the world that his 'fans' embarrass the crap out of him when they wage a war against anybody who say anything bad about him. Even something trivial like, 'Sachin is having a bad hair day'. You:

a) Listen to him and stop immediately, but only because he is God [6 pts]
b) Contact the media to ask if that is really Sachin because you could have sworn that when you stalked him last night, he had a goatee [8 pts]
c) Go on the web and find articles on Sachin's announcement. Then swear at the SOBs, bastards, mother fuckers, ^%!*$* who wrote about it [12 pts]
d) Send him letters of protests and organize a march to fight for your right to continue your behaviour [10 pts]

Question 4: Your team cheats, lies, bullies and basically uses every unsportsmanlike tactic in the book to secure a crucial win. You:

a) Call it persistence and gloat about the win [6 pts]
b) Know what they did was wrong but still justify it to those who point it out [8 pts]
c) Say that you never watched the game and all you care about is the result [4 pts]
d) Switch teams temporarily i.e. till everybody stops hating them [0 pts i.e. what kind of a fan are you!]

Question 5: You are on a date and just found out that your favourite cricket player retired from all forms of the game. You:

a) Pretend to be more depressed than you really are to see if your date moves closer to 'comfort' you [ 4 pts]
b) Actually slump into depression and start writing a letter of thanks to him in the middle of the date [10 pts]
c) Pretend your date is the cricketer...you've always wanted to have dinner with him [12 pts]
d) Drone on and on about the cricketer to your date, till they fall asleep [6 pts]


Put your score in the comments section and wait for the next post to see whether you are a fan...or a FANATIC!

The Zimbabwe Tri-series

When India and Sri Lanka landed in Zimbabwe, they were told that they had only come to put themselves on display while the Zimbabwean cricketers do some job shadowing. You know, so they can build their skills and put it in their resumes for the other cricket nations to review and decide whether they want to play against them. Except, the Indians and Lankans were so bad at their own profession that the Zimbabweans decided to stop the shadowing and do their work for them. And what a fine job they did! 

I don't care if both the teams are missing key players and Dilshan is captaining Sri Lanka. Even an Indian or Sri Lankan second stream team should be able to beat Zimbabwe. Simply because no matter how inadequate the development phase of cricket is in these two countries, they can't be worse than the politicially motivated Zimbabwe. Yet, Zimbabwe have managed to produce players that can whoop Sri Lankan and Indian ass. Comfortably too.

Also, how about the fact that neither India nor Sri Lanka have sent their second strings to Zimbabwe? They just sent experimental teams, without their stars. And most of those lab rats have played in the first XI. I don't know how to exactly describe them. Err...oh yes! India and Sri Lanka after the retirement of Tendulkar, Sehwag, Sangakara and Mahela! Big, bright future boys!

I also don't care if this is only Zimbabwe and nobody is watching. Here's why: will this go down to the records? Yes it will. Will everybody know that India got knocked out by Zimbabwe in a tri-series? Yes they will. Will the Zimbabweans celebrate like mad and consider this a succesful tour (specially if they win today)? Yes they will. Will there be a trophy involved? Yes there will. So guess what? IT MATTERS. Even if you were involved in a tri-series with Afghanistan it matters.

They are putting their all in it. Why the fuck won't you? Oh, because you are India and Sri Lanka. You have been doing is for a while now. God forbid you should take a tri-series in Zimbabwe seriously. You have ICC rankings for fuck's sakes

I don't know about you but I can't wait for the final game today. Of course, now that I have written about Zimbabwe there is a 99.99% chance that they will lose.

10 ways to avoid getting dumped

1) Orange screws up all brains, avoid orange at all costs.

2) When she makes a move and comes flying towards you, catch her. Dropping her on the ground will just, I don't know...piss her off and kill her.

3) When the hot mistress is on the bench and your world is spinning, don't go for the idiot (albeit a slightly adorable one) who doesn't do spin. Let the hot mistress in when the time is right.

4) Just because you paid the Australian to screw up and make you look good, doesn't mean that he won't come back and grab your girl.

5) Never trust a girl you stole from your bitter rival.

6) If you must throw her like a dart, at least pretend to be good at dart-throwing.

7) Don't send a dart-throwing gigolo to do a lover's job.

8) When picking your strategy, remember that hard and fast doesn't always work.

9) Having only one asset is an error because once the asset is gone, it is the end.

10) Just because you are in top form most of the time, does not mean she will not ditch you when you screw up. So try not to make a mistake till you have her hundred percent, and even after.

Who is Harbhajan Singh?

There seems to be a lot of confusion in Durby's mind as to who he actually is. In the beginning, he was an exciting prospect with lots of ideas underneath that turban, but young.

Then the prospect became a bowler that got wickets, had a doosra. Almost a feared one. Almost because his place in the side wasn't garaunteed. So he searched his soul, we think, and decided to listen to the Kiwi one, John Wright. His sense of identity might have been muddled then, as he being an Indian spinner took tips from a Kiwi opener. It helped his bowling, but the question is whether the semi-Kiwi transformation left a mark in his heart in the manner of an Indian pitch. Because he never learnt how to bowl anywhere else.

They kept on dropping him and picking him according to the availability of Anil Kumble or when Punjabi beats became so popular, you could hear them everywhere you went. His identity then was that of an entertainer.

So he stopped giving a shit about this bowling. Yet, somehow, he remained India's first choice spinner once Anil Kumble left. He was good, but only on the days that he wanted to. During that time, he was the face of pie-chucking on his bad days and the advocate of the word 'mother fucker' on his good days. Every batsman who gave their wicket to him was a mother fucker. Even if he had scored a duck. "Mother fucker, how dare you pad up and come to face me?".

Well maybe because on neither days, his identity said bowler.

Then at some point, he decided to bat. I'm not too sure when. Regardless, I doubt he takes the batting seriously as he had to borrow Sachin's bat yesterday. So I will not suggest that he thinks he is an all-rounder. Althought judging from his batting for Mumbai, I think his turban told him that he is. As did the man-of-the-match award.

You might conclude from this that Durby is a man that wears many hats, which usually means that he is talented and an asset to the team. But Durby defies the norm. He is unusual, always has been. Hence he is a man that is buried underneath his hats, trying to find his true identity. And not bowling in the process.

Although, I'm afraid that when he does find his true self, it might turn out that he is a mother-fucking monkey with anger management issues. Then we will have to venture on another journey to figure out whether monkeys can bowl.

In retrospect

South Africa's record in the past two series now reads 2 draws and 1 loss. If you really think about it, it should have been three wins.

Really, they should have won 3-1 against England and 1-0 against India. They messed up twice in the second test. Once in the first innings after tea and the second time on the last day, right after Hash and Ashy P had settled down. Parnie and Morne should never have been in that situation. And Kallis should not have played that shot.

They should also have won the first ODI, meaning they would have won this 2-1 as well.

"If only" is a phrase too often used by a Protea fan. It's always if this, if that, if only we had been the first to bat.

Consolation wins mean ziltch after sometime. Because during the dead-rubber matches, the Saffers are so mind-blowingly brilliant that you actually wish your mind was an atomic bomb that could burst on command. Their inconsistency makes Pakistan look rock steady.

Everybody was brilliant today. I was particularly proud of my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. Did you see that ball that turned away, peeked at Sreesanth and decided to go straight for his legs? That one was fun! AB was fun to watch too. As was Tsotsobe. I really love that guy, but I don't know if he can replace Parnie. Unless he is injured of course.

But the reality is, this was an inexperienced Indian team. They didn't have their frontline bowling attack...if you can call Durby a frontline bowler. The Saffers knew this and they bullied them to death.

Honestly, I did not expect the Saffers to even achieve this. But then I thought, why shouldn't I? They are a friggin' brilliant team, as the first test demonstrated. They conquered Sachin, Sehwag, Gambhir, Dhoni and Zaheer there. But these bursts and fizzles are getting very,very hard to handle. Next up is the IPL, meaning another long-ass break for the team. Just when they were beginning to get their groove back.

And Dale just said in an interview that he thought this was a good series. If only he was right!

Cocktail

I don't have time to write up separate posts right now. But I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things, most of which have pissed me off. Naturally. So this one is going to be a cocktail of such extreme measures that you may actually throw up. Just don't sue me afterwards, I warned you.

On India's win: A middle finger creeping up from every corner and getting entangled in Dhoni's hair. Then pulling Dhoni's hair to expose it as a wig.

On Sachin's double century: The cricket fan in me is jubilant but the Saffa fan in me is sulking like there is no tomorrow. Did you have to pelt my Dale to do it? Everybody's singing your praises and I should too, because nobody else deserved it more but next time (because who else will break this record other than Sachin himself?), pick ANOTHER TEAM. Like Australia. Ricky smiles too much these days. I miss his hairy, sulky face.

On AB's century: What the fuck were you celebrating for? Where were all these runs when the team needed you in the second test and the first ODI? Honestly, I don't care what a great innings it was, he looked like he just wanted his century and nothing else. I know the team wasn't able to support him, but FUCK AB, you weren't able to support the team on SO MANY OTHER OCASSIONS! Play for the team fucktard!

On Charl's eye: Brave man. He batted and bowled with his one eye. Very ghoul-like. Brought back so many childhood memories!

Charl, the one eyed King

On Binga's retirement: No more skateboarding tweety in tests. I am actually saddened by this one. I liked Binga because he never gave up. The prime example of a keener. But hey, now he has more time to promote suits and work on a new album! It will be titled "I wasn't picked for Ashes 2009 and we lost".

On Australia's win over the Winides: Yawn.

On Australia's win over the Kiwis: When did Witchy learn to take wickets in T20? This is bad, it's very bad.

On Crashraful's drop: All I can say is, I am finally sleeping peacefully at night. Doesn't that say it all?

On Mashrafe's impending retirement from tests: Hi, National Captain. You have to be a bowler of Bond and Lee's stature to consider this. They loved their test cricket and tried everything in their power to get back to it. They only retired when they realized that AGE was not on their side either. You are TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX. Try harder.

On blogging: Man, I miss this!

Cricket at home

Me: South African supporter
My Dad: Indian supporter

India vs South Africa, First test

Me: Dad looked, India collapsed under Dale Steyn's pace. He is the number one bowler in the world!

Dad: Hmm.

Me: India is following on. I think they are going to lose this!!

Dad: They should, after this display. Where is Zaheer?

Me: He is playing.

Dad: %#$@#@*!! Hmph!

*Sulks and walks out*

India vs South Africa, Second test

Dad: Did Sehwag score a century yet?

Me: Hmm.

Dad: Tendulkar will too.

Me: Probably.

Dad: Where is Dale Steyn?

Me: He is playing.

Dad: HAHAHAHAHAHA.

*I sulk and walk out*

Losing at home is the new thing

Just not losing, losing by an innings and some runs. England's only loss in the Ashes was an innings defeat. The Saffers pulled off the same show of ultimate crap at home and now India has dramatized it to the max.

Note, in between there were series such as Pakistan in Sri Lanka, the Kiwis in Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka in India, Windies and Pakistanis in Aussieland and Pakistan vs New Zealand in Oil land. But the hosts won there (or the Sheikhs won by making money), so they are banned from taking part in this new trend. The Kiwis and the Deshis committed additional crimes by losing at home, but not by an innings. Disgraceful!

However, I must admit India did it with style. The Poms and the Saffers carefully made sure someone attempted to stand out, but doesn't really follow through. Not with India. In India, there are always heroes.

Sehwag entertains the crowd, gets out, says sorry. Sachin keeps hopes alive, gets unlucky, walks back. Durby slashes his bat around like some cheap imitation of Superman and fails inevitably. That turban causes too much friction during his flight through the air. That's why Superman put it as a cape on his back, Bhajji.
This time, their fast bowler puts up a fight too. If Witchy, Aamer and Dale are doing it, why not Zaheer?

Even after all the heroics, they cannot be saved from an innings defeat. It may be because the enormous tasks themselves are tired of being done by the same heroes. They are on strike. "Make new Indian players write history", they scream. But who is listening?

Or maybe it was the hypnotic effect of the newest number one trend in the world. If aspiring number one England and stuttering number one South Africa can do it, why not the actual number one themselves? And do it one notch above them too. With flair and style, falling merely 6 runs short. Making sure that their fans are much more disappointed than the Poms and the Saffers.

That way, they are number one in defeat as well. This commitment to the top most rank has impressed me immensely. Clearly, all doubts about which team in the world is currently number one, have been dispelled.

Clearly.

Don't hurt

You would think AB was a dainty little man, making contact with utmost delicacy, sending everybody into bouts of delighted squeals.

Well, you would be wrong because just now, he flung his dainty body at Harro and caused him to sprain his ankle. I mean, you can't really blame him. Harro just got the luckiest of wickets...the ball found direction after hitting the batsman. Not just any batsman, Sachin. On a hundred. Poor guy looked like a little boy who has lost his way. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

Harro's ankle seems to be piss weak too. How tall is AB? 5"10? How the hell does he jump on a giant and injure him? And now he has injured himself while trying to take a dramatic catch.

Handle with care, AB. Leave that shit for the IPL. We don't care if you injure yourself then, or your team mates. Come to think of it, injuring your team mates will be an ideal situation there. Because you know, they are really the opposition.

Unfortunately, nobody in Delhi induces this type of "frolicking little girl" reaction in AB like Harro does. It's endearing and pathetic at the same time. What does he have that others don't?

Dave Warner is blond.
Dan the man is tall.
Gambhir wears that white stuff on his face.
Andrew McDonalds bowls like crap.

That's four Delhi boys with the characteristics of one Harro. Go injure them or something. Leave the Paul alone, AB. Just leave him alone.

House warming

The reason behind Crashraful's hair tearing form is now clear. He has been planning the biggest career move of his life.

He bought a house. But that's not it. He was planning the perfect house warming, an event where batting legend Sachin Tendulkar and slapmaster Durbhajan Singh were to attend.

Clearly preparing this feast has been the main focus of his mind for the past years. What do you feed Sachin Tendulkar after all? How do you even decorate the house for him?

I would say put lots of pictures of fast bowlers crying. He would like that. And feed him everything in the country of course. I see fish, rice, chicken, beef, water, pepsi...good going Crashraful. You even got the Mumbai Indians to sponsor this dinner.

Look at how upset Durby is about not getting the fish from Crashraful. Chill dude. He probably has Sreesanth as entertainment later. Sreesanth will give you a lap dance.

Hey Sachin, teach him how to use his brain in return okay? The guy went through so much trouble for you, planning this shit for years. Stuff you till you blow up all over the place. What's for dessert Raful? Surely cake in the form of cricket balls.

Raful just enrages me, but if you look at it from a slightly sane perspective that is not such a shabby dinner party. I mean, how cool would it be to have Sachin Tendulkar at your house warming? Even if you are not a fan.

Raful has finally inspired me to do something. When I buy my first house I'm getting Jacques Kallis to cut the ribbon. Think I should have some extra food in the fridge?

Where is Dilshan from?

Clearly a planet where anything less than a century is considered a disgrace. And anything just a runs above a century is considered an okay effort. Just okay. Not fabulous. Soon, anything less than 150 will become atrocious in this place. I suspect Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar are the fathers of this planet and Brian Lara is the 'Wise One' sitting in a corner, smoking a pipe and throwing stray cats at children. And obviously the planet is incomplete without it's troubled child, my Herschelle pre-2005.

What happened today was simply delicious. Zaheer getting the late wickets, a suprising Harbajan run out (he was possessed) and Matthews leading the fightback. Why Kandambi didn't last till the end I don't know. I can tell you that he meant to though. He really did. Please forgive him. After I have punished him of course.

But honestly, Dilshan is a freak of nature and Sri Lanka should do more to support him. Like not have a brain freeze on the days he doesn't perform.

Speaking of brain freeze, Ricky had one when he decided not to enforce the follow on. Or maybe he just wanted to let Watto get to that elusive hundred. Didn't work out too well for ya, eh Ricky?

The delicious event in that match was Kemar Roach getting Punter's wicket.

Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

Declare

Dravid got his century and Tendulkar is out. They have 464 runs on the board.

Now can India declare? Or are they waiting for Modi's orders?

In comes VVS Laxman.

*switches t.v. off*

Some time later...

527/4.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Wake up! Dan has started batting again!

*dances around in joy*

Umar Gul better sleep with one eye open tonight...NZ is but a mere 18 hours away...

How did they lose?

MTJAG has a great post up about the 5th ODI and the consequences of being Sachin Tendulkar. A similar discussion can be seen all over the blog world about why India lost to the most inferior Australian side in years. So I'm proposing a few answers. Most of them are debatable.

1. It's the curse of having a Sachin Tendulkar in your team. There is no one like him, there possibly will never be. When you have a Tendulkar in your team and he is at the crease playing one of the best innings of his life (there are so many of these!), do you ever think you will lose? When Sachin goes out, because believe it or not, it can happen, instead of taking responsibility, the others panic. Then they lose and everybody blames Sachin for not finishing the game. Last time I checked, the team was called India, not Tendulkar. And cricket traditionally tends to have 11 men teams. Now, if Sachin had 10 kids and they all played for India, it would be different.

2. The Indian bowlers gave away 350 runs. You know your opponent team's bowling attack is weaker than your grandma's knees and you know the batsmen are going to come after you to make up for that. So clearly, the obvious answer is to allow their top order to make 350 runs. All at strike rates of hundred and above. And please don't start all that batting pitch nonsense. 10 Indian batsmen combined made 155 runs...and 17 out of India's 347 came from the Aussie bowlers.

3. Ravindra Jadeja wanted to be a hero. As did Harbajan, with that stupid shot which got him caught behind, but Jadeja took it to the next level. The minute Sachin got out, he started itching like a man having withdrawal symptoms. He was so upset with the Aussies for not being able to run him out that he let them have a go again and again. Did anybody catch Praveen Kumar's face when the Aussies finally did get him? I crossed my fingers so tight for Praveen to go up and slap him that they were nearly drained of blood. Alas, Harbajan hasn't taught Praveen the correct way to deal with eager youngsters yet.

4. This is Australia. Taken from Ricky Ponting's facebook fan page:

"Plenty of press about India attacking us today because we are wounded with all our injuries! That's just the way I like to go into a game with a bunch of guys like we have. India can't afford to be off their game at all as we will be on the attack right from the opening ball today."

As much as I hate to admit it (man, why do I have to be so sensible sometimes?), you just don't piss off Australia and get away with it. Even if they have put together a team straight from Cricket Australia's day care. When Australian cricketers are made, they are injected with a fluid that runs through their blood yelling 'I don't know the meaning of giving up even if I am shit. I don't like losing at all. And fuck you for thinking otherwise'.

I opened up an Aussie cricketer once to meet this bugger. Tough little sneaky bastards. That's what the Aussies are made of. Unfortunately.

The old Indian team is back

Highest scorer: Sachin- 175
Second highest scorer: Raina- 59
Third highest scorer: Sehwag- 38

Everybody else just visited Sachin to remind him that he is India's saviour. A job he took pretty seriously, till he decided McKay should get a prized wicket on his debut. What was up with that shot? Did McKay seriously fool him with his slow ball? On a night where Sachin Tendulkar was nearly invincible, some new comer faked him and got his wicket. After which the Indians suddenly remembered their old ways ("Sachin is not on the field mommy, I don't want to play!") and collapsed beautifully. I can already hear the ladies knocking on McKay's door.

India might as well wear yellow at the next game. They seem to love playing for Australia. Although, I thought Ricky was actually giving India a hand when he gave the last over to Shane Watson. I got all excited for the full tosses, but he didn't crumble under pressure. I'm sad that Watto is actually living up to his potential these days. I am running out of players to laugh at. Wait, I still have the English. And Mitchell Johnson. I like him, I really do. But an opporunity to laugh at the bowling figures of Oz's future spearhead AND ICC Player of the Year, is not something I'm going to let pass.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The truth is out there

'I'm not a stats man. I score runs for my country and when I come out, all I am focused on, is winning the game. All these milestones are very nice, but they don't motivate me. I guess I'll look at it after my career is over and enjoy them'.

Sounds familiar? Punter was not the only one who said it after surpassing 12,000 ODI runs last night. Jakes said it, Sachin said it, Lara said it, Gavaskar said it...hell I'm pretty sure even Border said it! Or maybe not. Which is fine because they don't really mean it, you know. It's the standard answer written for them by their PR managers.

I'm not asking them to be arrogant, but for God's sakes don't lie to us! For once, just for once, I would like a player to be like " YES! I loved it very much! I am fucking dancing up and down with joy and would like to achieve many more milestones! But my country comes first of course".

Sure, I'll be the first one to call them glory-hunters, but they HAVE worked very hard on these achievements. They should at least be allowed to say that they enjoyed it and not relegate it to some end of career afterthought. Hello! There are only eight players to have scored 10,000+ Test runs. Eight. Out of hundreds! That deserves a Spring Break in Florida type of celebration!

Another thing that majorly annoys me is the diplomacy of captains when their teams suck miserably. They look for positives like, 'Oh that over, where we gave only 15 runs, that was something to take away from this game!'.
Not it was not. You are going to go to the change room in a few minutes and scream your lungs silly. Why not just say it?
" I have a SHIT team and I am fucking going to kill them all. I am also going to chastise myself with a whip for being a disgusting captain. And oh, the opponent team did not outplay us. They only won because we were too busy playing backyard cricket instead of real cricket. We'll expose them soon."

Of course, this is not in reference to any series in particular...:)

I should really become a cricket speech writer and save the fans from all the woefully repetitive, fake answers. We are not dumb. The truth is out there and Mulder has already shoved it down our throats.

Quotable Quotes

"You need to be an athlete. Look at Flintoff - he is not an athlete. He is a big man who bowls extremely quick, but his body has suffered, and that's why he is not cut for the longer game. "
-Allan Donald reveals in a Cricinfo interview what you need to be a fast bowler. I know there are a lot of Freddie lovers out there (and you all need to find a new idol) but before you fly into rage, this is Allan Donald speaking. You cannot deny that fast bowlers don't get any better than White Lightning. So if he is saying Flintoff is not an athlete he must be right. Now that he has retired, Freddie will always be remembered as the burger stuffed, one hit wonder with weak limbs.

"I'll chew his ear off. "
-Phil Hughes shares how he plans to sledge Sachin Tendulkar in the upcoming tour. Has no one told him that Tendulkar has been dealing with sledging Australians for years now? Do your homework properly little one. And for the love of God, find some other tactic to break the opposition. Like you know...actually scoring some runs?

"We all know that we have a long way to go to be classed as a real threat to the top four teams but they will no longer take us lightly."
-Jamie Siddons, current coach of Bangladesh, speaks about the future of his team. Damn right we can't be taken lightly anymore. Just get other teams to play us as well okay? How will we ever learn to be one of the top four teams if we keep on playing Zimbabwe? We need to be exposed to all conditions. And it's not like we are Pakistan, with bombers in every corner! We will keep the international cricketers safe and sound.

You hear that top four? Come to Bangladesh. Or else...