The Zimbabwe Tri-series

When India and Sri Lanka landed in Zimbabwe, they were told that they had only come to put themselves on display while the Zimbabwean cricketers do some job shadowing. You know, so they can build their skills and put it in their resumes for the other cricket nations to review and decide whether they want to play against them. Except, the Indians and Lankans were so bad at their own profession that the Zimbabweans decided to stop the shadowing and do their work for them. And what a fine job they did! 

I don't care if both the teams are missing key players and Dilshan is captaining Sri Lanka. Even an Indian or Sri Lankan second stream team should be able to beat Zimbabwe. Simply because no matter how inadequate the development phase of cricket is in these two countries, they can't be worse than the politicially motivated Zimbabwe. Yet, Zimbabwe have managed to produce players that can whoop Sri Lankan and Indian ass. Comfortably too.

Also, how about the fact that neither India nor Sri Lanka have sent their second strings to Zimbabwe? They just sent experimental teams, without their stars. And most of those lab rats have played in the first XI. I don't know how to exactly describe them. Err...oh yes! India and Sri Lanka after the retirement of Tendulkar, Sehwag, Sangakara and Mahela! Big, bright future boys!

I also don't care if this is only Zimbabwe and nobody is watching. Here's why: will this go down to the records? Yes it will. Will everybody know that India got knocked out by Zimbabwe in a tri-series? Yes they will. Will the Zimbabweans celebrate like mad and consider this a succesful tour (specially if they win today)? Yes they will. Will there be a trophy involved? Yes there will. So guess what? IT MATTERS. Even if you were involved in a tri-series with Afghanistan it matters.

They are putting their all in it. Why the fuck won't you? Oh, because you are India and Sri Lanka. You have been doing is for a while now. God forbid you should take a tri-series in Zimbabwe seriously. You have ICC rankings for fuck's sakes

I don't know about you but I can't wait for the final game today. Of course, now that I have written about Zimbabwe there is a 99.99% chance that they will lose.

Things that make me cry

1) This thing with its tongue sticking out, getting one of my favourite assassin's wicket. Looks like he stuck out his tongue and swallowed Dilshan's mojo, like a frog.

2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.

3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?

4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!

5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.

I don't like either of these teams.

Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!

Business minded

Since none of you have kindly pointed it out, I will say it myself.

I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.

I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.

I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.

But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.

Over at Bangladesh...

Sri Lanka finally got to play the last ODI at Kotla that they had to abandon because Sanga is a whiny baby. They won. The same result that they would have achieved in India had the grand design of BCCI, DDCA and the groundsmen not made the pitch so difficult on their soft, fully gaurded bodies.

Strangely, this Lankan team did not have Dilshan the Destroyer or Sanath the Aged. It had Samaraweera instead, who decided to go all Dilshan on Indian bowlers. It also had the dear Kandambi who is the only fat cricketer I like, after Arjuna Ranatunga. But dear Kandambi continues to pursue his dreams to be the lowest run scorer in all matches.

Or maybe his fatness prevents him from scoring anymore. Either way, his belly has somewhat of a likeability factor. I can't put my finger on it...or around it for that matter. But when I do, I will tell you what it is.

India's seven bowlers picked up an astonishing five wickets. Three of them went to Durbhajan Singh (copyright Raj).

If Durby's getting wickets, the dew must be fucking with this game right?

Over at Saffaland, something awesome has happened. Will post about it at night. Must look up every synonym for "gloat".

Oh Bangladesh!

Sixty-five for nothing, they were. In the thirteenth over too. Smashing, hooking, cutting, driving- Tamim and Imrul did it all. Uda was as stunned as we were when we first heard his name.

Then the brain explosions started happening. Shockingly, Shakib was a part of the brain explosion, and Ashraful was not! He is the reason we got to 260 actually, along with Mushfiq's cameo and Mahmudullah's knock. I swear Mushfiq is the tiniest thing to ever hold a bat. Whenever he hits a four, I am always on the edge of my seat because I am sure that he will fly to the boundary with the ball. But he never does, bless his tiny structure.

Right, so 260 wasn't ideal with the start they got, but it was marginally defendable right? Even with Bangladesh.

Wrong. The other team has Dilshan. And with him even 400 is not a defendable total. Add our fast bowlers to that and one over from Ashraful (Shakib, my love...HE CAN'T BOWL) and it's a comfortable victory.

Fucking Dilshan, making my life miserable. Do it against other teams honey, otherwise I may have to injure you.

On second thought, maybe I will injure you...

Where is Dilshan from?

Clearly a planet where anything less than a century is considered a disgrace. And anything just a runs above a century is considered an okay effort. Just okay. Not fabulous. Soon, anything less than 150 will become atrocious in this place. I suspect Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar are the fathers of this planet and Brian Lara is the 'Wise One' sitting in a corner, smoking a pipe and throwing stray cats at children. And obviously the planet is incomplete without it's troubled child, my Herschelle pre-2005.

What happened today was simply delicious. Zaheer getting the late wickets, a suprising Harbajan run out (he was possessed) and Matthews leading the fightback. Why Kandambi didn't last till the end I don't know. I can tell you that he meant to though. He really did. Please forgive him. After I have punished him of course.

But honestly, Dilshan is a freak of nature and Sri Lanka should do more to support him. Like not have a brain freeze on the days he doesn't perform.

Speaking of brain freeze, Ricky had one when he decided not to enforce the follow on. Or maybe he just wanted to let Watto get to that elusive hundred. Didn't work out too well for ya, eh Ricky?

The delicious event in that match was Kemar Roach getting Punter's wicket.

Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

Rushed

Sorry, another busy day is upon me. I did get a chance to browse through a wide array of cricket news for a few minutes though, so I'm leaving you with my amalgam of random cricket thoughts.

1) AB de Villiers thinks the series is like two heavyweight boxers going at each other. I got a shocking image of Stuart Broad in his Barbie outfit being chased around the ring by mini, adopted, son ROFL. Of course ROFL's alien is screaming obscenities at him and Broad is trying to offer him tea from his very own kitchen as a peace offering.

2) Michael Clarke and Lara Bingle may have split...or not. Apparently, Lara's young ways is creating problems between the two. Really? And here I was thinking 22 is the perfect age to settle down with a guy whose career you have absolutely no interest in. What a bunch of funny idiots these celebrity-types are! Also quite hilarious is this picture, where Lara has a net on her head and Clarke is looking very much like those dolls that cry out 'Mama' when you squish them.

Boy toy

3) Dilshan continues to remain the lone Lankan assassin, with a little help from Angelo Mathews this time. However, the most interesting fact is that the Indian spinners picked up most of the wickets...on an Indian pitch. Surely, ICC will come knocking on BCCI's door soon?

I am bracing myself for some much needed drama. Forget about AB's diary entries and Clarke's relationship problems. The always giving ICC and BCCI will embark on their soap opera soon. Keep your remotes handy children.

Equations

TMD century= Harbajan slaps everywhere...eq i

DPMD+HAPW= Fatigued bowlers...eq ii

DPMD +HAPW+TMD century=Fatigued bowlers+Bawling Indians...eq iii
_______________________________________________

Subtracting eq iii from eq ii:

-TMD century= -Bawling Indians

or TMD century= Bawling Indians

but from eq i, TMD century= Harbajan slaps everywhere

therefore, Harbajan slaps everywhere = Bawling Indians

What happened today?

One minute the Daredevils were reduced to 114 with some brilliant bowling and next the Cobras were crashing! Dilshan opened the bowling and picked up two wickets! Dilshan bowls? Since when!

Of course before we answer that question we must solve the mystery of why Dharmasena is an umpire! And no, this is not some biased rant because it was Herschelle who got the decision. IT WAS A WRONG DECISION! You really thought Hersch went first ball to Dilshan? If your answer is yes, you are doing drugs.

So, this Nannes character. He is the shits! I have always liked him. BUT, he disappointed me today. What was the point of putting in a brilliant performance AFTER your team has already crashed out? Where the hell was this before? He ruined the Cobras' record in this tournament for no reason. Spoil sport!

Now the Cobras are playing T&T. My team against the team I have grown to love. Both will face their first tough challenge I reckon. Whoever wins, will possibly also win the finals since the other contender will be either Victoria or NSW. Neither of whom are a threat to these two.

I'll probably go with the Cobras but damn I am getting chills just thinking about the match!

-JP vs KP
-Puttick vs Ganga
-Bravo vs Zondeki

Nice. This should be one hell of a game. Lots of DLF Maximums, thrashing and bashing.

Did I just wish for that? Sneaky Modi is getting to me. I will be back. Must bathe in holy water.

Colours and commentary

This Bright Blue vs Navy Blue game is making me feel very, very RED!

Dilshan...scored...2. Worst, he gave his wicket to man who wets himself. That made my heart explode and we had black everywhere. Yes, my heart is black. As if you already didn't know.

I am locking Sri Lanka's top order up in the Chamber of Violence, where unspeakable things happen. I can't repeat them and neither can they. But you can expect them to look like this after.


Okay, maybe I won't put Dilscoop there. But he should consider becoming Bangladeshi. That is the only thing that can save him from the Chamber.

But the 'BOMB' title must now be given to Kandambi, whose name is spelled wrong on Crapinfo. And who had a brain explosion the minute I wrote this. Or was it the all white Angelo that refused to move? Not so angelic after all are we...bastard!

Harsha Bhogle just said that Swann is not bowling well today because the pitch is not suited to off-spin. Harsha is actually English and thinks that Onions and Broad are legitimate surnames. Very grey.

England bowled 20 wides. Know what colour I'm feeling now? Purple. Because Barnie is purple and hilarious, but so fucking annoying that you want to buy a stuffed toy of the dino just to rip his head out. England is Barnie.

Strauss tries to play in the 'spirit of cricket'. Now he's getting the Cricketer of the Year award for sure. Cunning bastard.

Murali scores 11 awesome runs off of Broad...one of which went for a 6. I'm making Murali a Fairy Killer.
Murali gives his wicket to Broad. I am making Murali a Fairy Godmother.

Broad on a hattrick..I'm feeling blue...no oxygen due to intense rage kind of blue.

Sri Lanka reaches 200...golden is the colour of jubilation! Shut up, they were 5 for 81 at one stage.

Kula is Kool. I don't care if it's Korny.
Not out! Kula continues to torment England. HAHA.

Bah, it's over. The Lankans really are good entertainers. Even if it's utterly disgusting at times.

England to bat next. Yellow is the colour of revenge. Because revenge makes me come alive.