I thought that the highest level of boredom had been reached during Trott's 200 against Bangladesh. I was wrong. Boredom had such a strong hold on every minute of this test, that even the players got bored.
Smithy set his eyes on 200 and then realized that even a double wasn't worth the torture. Kallis did the same. Most will say that it was the 200 that evaded him, but we say that he evaded the 200. Because he is Jacques Kallis and he can.
Then AB took control of the situation. Not only the cricket, the entertainment part too. AB is a born entertainer, he can play the guitar and everything. It was his time to shine, his time to provide the highlight of the day. He brought up his hundred with a beautiful four and a even more stunning six. But that wasn't enough to make people happy. So AB went to the toilet.
Everybody watched him run away. Some thought Graeme had declared, others thought AB was going to celebrate his hundred by sliding near the ropes, in true football style. Chris Gayle took a seat in the grasses, Mark Boucher stood next to the umpire with his helmet off- for clear view. The cameras focused on the green door through which AB had just disappeared.
Unable to control his curiosity any longer, Paul Harris walked in through the green doors. Perhaps AB needed help, perhaps AB was planning his next album and would give Harro a single; perhaps, AB was going to reveal to him the secrets of using the toilet.
As everybody found out just how much time AB de Villiers spends in the toilet, AB came striding out, a relieved man. The drama didn't end there my friends. Out of nowhere a toilet paper roll came and hit AB on the shoulder. To further add to our joy, it got stuck in AB spikes and he had to stop from his skip to the crease to take it out and toss it to the nearest Saffa. I hear the toilet paper roll will be sold on ebay.
This roll of white, soft toilet paper was touched by AB the entertainer. We thank thee for relieving yourself and us of the cricket.
Showing posts with label Jonathan Trott. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jonathan Trott. Show all posts
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Dare we say Day 3?
WE DARE!
Of course being too excited about this will be absolute blasphemy so I too will maintain a stern face and allow only one side of my face to curve into a half smile. I have just realized that over the years, Bangladeshi supporters have picked up much from English supporters. We no longer celebrate with crazy fireworks and colours, now we just nod in approval and quietly have a dance when no one's watching. It's essential.
I was literally in shock when I switched on the television this morning. Junaid Siddique was blocking balls after balls like he blocks everyday. I actually thought I was still asleep and Trott had just become Bangladeshi in my dream. Then I saw Junaid's hair and knew that I was awake. I mean, who wants to dream of this?
The biggest shock was that Shahadat Hossain got a fifer. Have you ever seen him bowl? His strike rate is 67! I was crying when he got selected for the test team! And now the guy is responsible for bowling England out at Lords! Strauss didn't declare, because his batsmen were walking back to the change room! That my friends is a 'what the fuck' of a good nature!
THEN, and this is another positive then, OUR TOP ORDER DIDN'T IMPLODE! Tamim made a fifty as we all know he would, Kayes did well to hang on and now lovely Junaid Siddique and Jahurul Islam are playing PATIENT CRICKET. Patient, Bangladesh, upper middle order...number three! Junaid, Bangladesh's number three, is playing patient cricket. I never thought I would live to see the day! This is turning out to be a good match for number threes eh?
And to think we are watching a test match between England and Bangladesh.That is just a 'what the fuck' of an excellent nature!
Of course being too excited about this will be absolute blasphemy so I too will maintain a stern face and allow only one side of my face to curve into a half smile. I have just realized that over the years, Bangladeshi supporters have picked up much from English supporters. We no longer celebrate with crazy fireworks and colours, now we just nod in approval and quietly have a dance when no one's watching. It's essential.
I was literally in shock when I switched on the television this morning. Junaid Siddique was blocking balls after balls like he blocks everyday. I actually thought I was still asleep and Trott had just become Bangladeshi in my dream. Then I saw Junaid's hair and knew that I was awake. I mean, who wants to dream of this?
The biggest shock was that Shahadat Hossain got a fifer. Have you ever seen him bowl? His strike rate is 67! I was crying when he got selected for the test team! And now the guy is responsible for bowling England out at Lords! Strauss didn't declare, because his batsmen were walking back to the change room! That my friends is a 'what the fuck' of a good nature!
THEN, and this is another positive then, OUR TOP ORDER DIDN'T IMPLODE! Tamim made a fifty as we all know he would, Kayes did well to hang on and now lovely Junaid Siddique and Jahurul Islam are playing PATIENT CRICKET. Patient, Bangladesh, upper middle order...number three! Junaid, Bangladesh's number three, is playing patient cricket. I never thought I would live to see the day! This is turning out to be a good match for number threes eh?
And to think we are watching a test match between England and Bangladesh.That is just a 'what the fuck' of an excellent nature!
It's only day one
Tomorrow is a new day, except it's not because bloody Trott hasn't reached his 200 yet and will surely attempt to do so. I'm just hoping that bloody Trott has poor Kallis' bad luck and will fall a few runs short.
But bloody Morgan is also at 40 and will surely want his maiden 50 and then slaughter his way to his century on debut. Of course Bresnan and Prior will take this opportunity to make some more test runs. Prior needs it, his spot is on the line these days. Damn Strauss will probably make sure he gets this chance, since Kieswetter did just win the World Cup for Collingwood and Colly is after Strauss' job. He can't have that damn little spy in his team!
Our bloody bowlers will continue to give runs like Shahadat Hossain. Yes I know Shahadat has the third best bowling figures in the attack but I fucking can't believeit. That is just a measure of how shitty the rest were and nothing else. Believe me.
Bloody Shakib is still recovering from the bloody chicken pox and is probably fighting to stay awake on the field. I am going to find the person who gave Shakib chicken pox. Then I am going to give that person chicken pox again and tie them up and duct-tape their mouth, so they can't itch. I'll also leave a tape playing a scratching sound over and over again.
We might bat once Strauss gets bored with our bowlers (I suspect he won't easily because evidently, we cannot be taken lightly) and decides to man-handle our batsmen instead. I am just hoping for Tamim, Mahmudullah, Shakib and Mushfiq to show some guts. I am also hoping the bloody Poms realize that they need to give us something for getting Strauss, KP and Trott back to form. We are the most motivational team ever...for the opposition. There must be some sort of pay for this.
I have settled my fees on Lords. One Englishman by the name of Mark Chalcraft from Good Cricket Wicket is convinced we deserve it so we are almost there.
But for now, man up boys. There's still two more days of drubbing to go.
But bloody Morgan is also at 40 and will surely want his maiden 50 and then slaughter his way to his century on debut. Of course Bresnan and Prior will take this opportunity to make some more test runs. Prior needs it, his spot is on the line these days. Damn Strauss will probably make sure he gets this chance, since Kieswetter did just win the World Cup for Collingwood and Colly is after Strauss' job. He can't have that damn little spy in his team!
Our bloody bowlers will continue to give runs like Shahadat Hossain. Yes I know Shahadat has the third best bowling figures in the attack but I fucking can't believeit. That is just a measure of how shitty the rest were and nothing else. Believe me.
Bloody Shakib is still recovering from the bloody chicken pox and is probably fighting to stay awake on the field. I am going to find the person who gave Shakib chicken pox. Then I am going to give that person chicken pox again and tie them up and duct-tape their mouth, so they can't itch. I'll also leave a tape playing a scratching sound over and over again.
We might bat once Strauss gets bored with our bowlers (I suspect he won't easily because evidently, we cannot be taken lightly) and decides to man-handle our batsmen instead. I am just hoping for Tamim, Mahmudullah, Shakib and Mushfiq to show some guts. I am also hoping the bloody Poms realize that they need to give us something for getting Strauss, KP and Trott back to form. We are the most motivational team ever...for the opposition. There must be some sort of pay for this.
I have settled my fees on Lords. One Englishman by the name of Mark Chalcraft from Good Cricket Wicket is convinced we deserve it so we are almost there.
But for now, man up boys. There's still two more days of drubbing to go.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Look Michael!
Trotty is celebrating with the Saffers again. Write him off with your pen! Traitorous Saffa!
I know I have made a lot of jokes about KP and Trotty being to chummy with their former countrymen but has anybody realized that they both were very, very subdued through the whole series? Specially KP, who made no runs AND misfielded horrendously throughout.
He misfielded thrice when a Protea batsman was about to reach some milestone. One of them was Jacques Kallis and the other two times it was Mark Boucher.
Those two are also KP's closest friends in the Saffa team. I know I sound like Michael Vaughan right now, but I have no book coming out and neither do I have any hair products to sell. Something is very wrong with KP. He did not look very interested in the cricket. Instead he made the same rueful face everytime he walked off cheaply. I've seen this face so many times I am beginning to think it's an act.
Not that I give a shit. The reject can go screw himself for all I care. But I'm just saying. The Queen might want to look into this.
Ha, ha, ha.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
T3D5: FML.com
Today, I perved on Dale Steyn publicly on National T.V. Steyn has a girlfriend. FML.
-Submitted by Geoffrey Boycott
Today, I intentionally got caught by Ashy P but had to pretend to be sad in front of my fucktard captain who makes me do it all. FML.
-Submitted by Jimmy Anderson
Today, Bumble called me a good captain for putting Ashy P in a wicket-taking position. The idea had come from Boucher. FML.
-Submitted my Graeme Smith
Today, my good mate knocked me up. He uprooted my off stump. FML.
-Submitted by Jonathan Trott
Today, I scored a match saving 78 then got out at a most crucial time. Most people will remember how I got out. FML.
-Submitted by Ian Bell
Today, I defended 22 deliveries without scoring a run and then lost my wicket to the man who can't turn the ball. I was sure I was not out, then again in my mind I am never out. The umpire didn't think so. FML.
-Submitted by Stuart Broad
Today, I had to run from the toilet straight down the pitch. My captain wanted me to get a breakthrough. I took some magical drink for the second last over. I still didn't get a breakthrough. FML.
-Submitted by Dale Steyn
Today, I wanted Onions for dinner. The bastard didn't want to come home with me.FML.
-Submitted by Morne Morkel
Today, I had to defend my ass off to get my team a draw. I was successful but I am actually a bowler and my role is to pick up wickets. FML.
-Submitted by Graham Onions
Today, I won Man-of-the-Match. My team couldn't get the final wicket for the win.FML.
-Submitted by Graeme Smith
Today, I feel blue. Both my teams lost crucial matches. FML.
-Submitted by Cricket Minded
-Submitted by Geoffrey Boycott
Today, I intentionally got caught by Ashy P but had to pretend to be sad in front of my fucktard captain who makes me do it all. FML.
-Submitted by Jimmy Anderson
Today, Bumble called me a good captain for putting Ashy P in a wicket-taking position. The idea had come from Boucher. FML.
-Submitted my Graeme Smith
Today, my good mate knocked me up. He uprooted my off stump. FML.
-Submitted by Jonathan Trott
Today, I scored a match saving 78 then got out at a most crucial time. Most people will remember how I got out. FML.
-Submitted by Ian Bell
Today, I defended 22 deliveries without scoring a run and then lost my wicket to the man who can't turn the ball. I was sure I was not out, then again in my mind I am never out. The umpire didn't think so. FML.
-Submitted by Stuart Broad
Today, I had to run from the toilet straight down the pitch. My captain wanted me to get a breakthrough. I took some magical drink for the second last over. I still didn't get a breakthrough. FML.
-Submitted by Dale Steyn
Today, I wanted Onions for dinner. The bastard didn't want to come home with me.FML.
-Submitted by Morne Morkel
Today, I had to defend my ass off to get my team a draw. I was successful but I am actually a bowler and my role is to pick up wickets. FML.
-Submitted by Graham Onions
Today, I won Man-of-the-Match. My team couldn't get the final wicket for the win.FML.
-Submitted by Graeme Smith
Today, I feel blue. Both my teams lost crucial matches. FML.
-Submitted by Cricket Minded
T3D4: Newlands, come get me
I slept through SA's batting days so highlights are all I have. But I really wish I was in Cape Town. Not only to watch the cricket live, but also to nap with those men who doze off during the most exciting sessions. That way, I would still have slept through SA's batting, but at least I would have been sleeping right next to the ball that Bouch hit for six. Or the one that JP hit.
Yep, JP hit a six. His starting was shaky but he realized that being a sensitive flower like Ian Bell is a bad career move. Having said that, I am refraining from commenting further on the sensitivity of Samantha because he is yet to bat and the Poms have been wonderfully adept at making me eat my words. Bastards!
With England three down, most people seem to think that the Saffers have won this. Even though I am hoping that they are right, the eternal pessimist in me is asking me not to celebrate yet. Trott's still there along with a very tired looking Jimmy. The Poms are determined to break Jimmy down in the manner of Flintoff, so he can play the next Ashes amidst numerous injections. He just looks like he wants to go home, soak himself in a hot bubble bath and hit the sack. Instead he has to stand in the middle with the boring Trott, trying to comprehend his Saffa accent as he speaks nonsense and wastes time. Poor guy!
Regardless, I demand Biff bat for England tomorrow till he gets his 200. What the fuck is the umpire doing not noticing the no ball? Evidently, Jakes should have been watching Onions' feet. So now both the UDRS and the batsmen's gotta do the on field umpires job. They just pretend to be there when actually, they are busy drooling over the sun-tanned girls around them. DO YOUR JOB!
If I was in Saffaland, in between the naps, I would have thrown banana peels at the umpires, just for fun. I would also have hit Jakes for getting out the way he did. And I would definitely have begged Cullinan to stop being a commentator. He is not good at it. He is not good at it at all.
Yep, JP hit a six. His starting was shaky but he realized that being a sensitive flower like Ian Bell is a bad career move. Having said that, I am refraining from commenting further on the sensitivity of Samantha because he is yet to bat and the Poms have been wonderfully adept at making me eat my words. Bastards!
With England three down, most people seem to think that the Saffers have won this. Even though I am hoping that they are right, the eternal pessimist in me is asking me not to celebrate yet. Trott's still there along with a very tired looking Jimmy. The Poms are determined to break Jimmy down in the manner of Flintoff, so he can play the next Ashes amidst numerous injections. He just looks like he wants to go home, soak himself in a hot bubble bath and hit the sack. Instead he has to stand in the middle with the boring Trott, trying to comprehend his Saffa accent as he speaks nonsense and wastes time. Poor guy!
Regardless, I demand Biff bat for England tomorrow till he gets his 200. What the fuck is the umpire doing not noticing the no ball? Evidently, Jakes should have been watching Onions' feet. So now both the UDRS and the batsmen's gotta do the on field umpires job. They just pretend to be there when actually, they are busy drooling over the sun-tanned girls around them. DO YOUR JOB!
If I was in Saffaland, in between the naps, I would have thrown banana peels at the umpires, just for fun. I would also have hit Jakes for getting out the way he did. And I would definitely have begged Cullinan to stop being a commentator. He is not good at it. He is not good at it at all.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The UDRS is illogical
Okay, I checked this news because of this picture:
Somebody help them understand this shit. And explain it to me too, while you are at it.
Andy flower is so annoyed by the UDRS that he has decided to back up his statements by posing next to a telescope like a scientist. He doesn't get it, he thinks it doesn't help the game. I personally think it's too early to make the call. It has flaws of course but if every system was perfect we would live in an ideal world. The question is, is it really so flawed to the point where it should be removed from the game altogether or is England just sulking because things didn't go their way? It might be like this for a while, working for one team and not working for the other. So one will always love it while the other loathes it. But then, doesn't it sound like the system is not good enough to be used yet?
Maybe, maybe not. But really the point of this post is to laugh at Andy Flower for posing like an intellectual and Jonathan Trott copying a lost Romeo, while they try to figure out how to use the UDRS.
Somebody help them understand this shit. And explain it to me too, while you are at it.
Monday, December 21, 2009
T1D5: Onions make me cry
First of all sorry about the lateness of this. I had a busy day...not because I was crying. Just had things to do.
Anyway, FUCKIN' HELL! When the first two wickets fell I was getting ready for a full blown collapse and happily pranced about the room wishing for an early end so I could go to sleep. Then fucking KP and fucking Trott came to the crease and decided they were Hashim Amla and AB de Villiers. They could be long lost brothers of course with Trott and Amla both being bald while AB and KP...well they are the initial brothers.
I honestly thought at one point England was going to win this. Nothing and I repeat NOTHING the bowlers did worked. Even poor Jakes had to bowl a few overs. I dozed off and woke up from time to time to check the number of wickets and it would not budge from three. Then just when I was thinking of punching KP through the television it happened.
KP saw the people of South Africa beckoning him home and he ran to them like a little girl. Honestly, did you really think KP wanted the century? When he went to tea he realized he didn't want Earl Grey, he wanted Braai. I know because he has been showing much love to the Saffers lately. He called Jakes the best cricketer in the world, he went up to shake Hash's hand after he got that century and then he ran himself out. We also have all those scandalous pictures that I have been putting up. KP is 'home sick'. Right under Vaughan's nose too. What the fuck are you good for Michael if you are not going to be outing your 'traitorous' former team-mates? I'm telling you Michael Vaughan is no fun in shorts.
I was ecstatic as the wickets kept on tumbling. Did you notice AB's stunning catch? He was upset with me for calling his fielding mediocre. And Morne...I was soooo thrilled with him when he got Swann out. It was undoubtedly my favourite moment in the game but goddamnit Morne, WHY DIDN'T YOU BOWL LIKE THIS BEFORE? Friedel did, he did fantastically. I am impressed with the kid. But I get this feeling either Morne or Makhaya is going to be dropped for Durban if Dale comes back. Although the latest news regarding that is Dale is still not willing to give up his off-the-field life. Dumbass!
The review system just doesn't work for Stuart Broad. It has become one of my moments to watch out for in the series. Barbie's dubious brain cells taking on an equally dubious system. How very nice! But what is NOT nice is that fucker called Onions. England's number elevens seems to have mastered their blocking skills. I was so fucking frustrated with the last four overs, I may have broken my couch. Everyone's saying that Saffers got the moral victory but what the fuck is a moral victory really? There is no trophy for 'Oh, you were nearly there!'. Specially for the Saffers, who are ALWAYS nearly there.
But what to do now? I can only take consolation in the fact that in the first innings, it was the Saffers who looked like they were playing for a draw. All that had changed dramatically by the last innings and now England is under considerable pressure. If only Smith will shut up that fact could rattle them on it's own. SHUT UP BIFF! Trott is not slow. It's just Bilal Shafayet's spirit possessing him.
Swannyg66 was the man of the match. Okay fine, he earned it. But he still didn't get a wicket in the second innings while Harris got two. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I am proudly incorrigible.
Anyway, FUCKIN' HELL! When the first two wickets fell I was getting ready for a full blown collapse and happily pranced about the room wishing for an early end so I could go to sleep. Then fucking KP and fucking Trott came to the crease and decided they were Hashim Amla and AB de Villiers. They could be long lost brothers of course with Trott and Amla both being bald while AB and KP...well they are the initial brothers.
I honestly thought at one point England was going to win this. Nothing and I repeat NOTHING the bowlers did worked. Even poor Jakes had to bowl a few overs. I dozed off and woke up from time to time to check the number of wickets and it would not budge from three. Then just when I was thinking of punching KP through the television it happened.
KP saw the people of South Africa beckoning him home and he ran to them like a little girl. Honestly, did you really think KP wanted the century? When he went to tea he realized he didn't want Earl Grey, he wanted Braai. I know because he has been showing much love to the Saffers lately. He called Jakes the best cricketer in the world, he went up to shake Hash's hand after he got that century and then he ran himself out. We also have all those scandalous pictures that I have been putting up. KP is 'home sick'. Right under Vaughan's nose too. What the fuck are you good for Michael if you are not going to be outing your 'traitorous' former team-mates? I'm telling you Michael Vaughan is no fun in shorts.
I was ecstatic as the wickets kept on tumbling. Did you notice AB's stunning catch? He was upset with me for calling his fielding mediocre. And Morne...I was soooo thrilled with him when he got Swann out. It was undoubtedly my favourite moment in the game but goddamnit Morne, WHY DIDN'T YOU BOWL LIKE THIS BEFORE? Friedel did, he did fantastically. I am impressed with the kid. But I get this feeling either Morne or Makhaya is going to be dropped for Durban if Dale comes back. Although the latest news regarding that is Dale is still not willing to give up his off-the-field life. Dumbass!
The review system just doesn't work for Stuart Broad. It has become one of my moments to watch out for in the series. Barbie's dubious brain cells taking on an equally dubious system. How very nice! But what is NOT nice is that fucker called Onions. England's number elevens seems to have mastered their blocking skills. I was so fucking frustrated with the last four overs, I may have broken my couch. Everyone's saying that Saffers got the moral victory but what the fuck is a moral victory really? There is no trophy for 'Oh, you were nearly there!'. Specially for the Saffers, who are ALWAYS nearly there.
But what to do now? I can only take consolation in the fact that in the first innings, it was the Saffers who looked like they were playing for a draw. All that had changed dramatically by the last innings and now England is under considerable pressure. If only Smith will shut up that fact could rattle them on it's own. SHUT UP BIFF! Trott is not slow. It's just Bilal Shafayet's spirit possessing him.
Swannyg66 was the man of the match. Okay fine, he earned it. But he still didn't get a wicket in the second innings while Harris got two. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I am proudly incorrigible.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The mystery of KP's beard
It was a dark, dreary night. A man with the three lions etched in his arm sat with his head hung low. He could not understand it. He could not understand it at all.
He was sure that they were going to make life hell for the new boy. After all, he too had left his motherland and done splendidly in England. Sure, he didn't have the obvious tattoo or the obnoxious hairstyle (come to think of it, he has no hair). He even admitted to still knowning his mother-tongue and chatted with his former team mates in Afrikaans. He smiled at them sweetly when they fondly called him 'Trotty'. BUT, he became a Kolpak! Why wasn't the crowd calling him a traitor?
No, he did not understand it. Instead of focusing all their energy on Trott, they were still shit-talking him! AFTER he had openly declared the standing ovation he got in his last visit was special. AFTER calling their number one all-rounder the best cricketer in the world. They are still on his case. Like they were last time. Despite the fact that there was a new Kolpak around.
Why cruel world? Oh, the injustice! The unbearable pain! The incessant tears!
But wait, there is a solution. A saviour! A brilliant plan! A DISGUISE!
No one will question it, thanks to Hashim Amla.
Dean Jones is not around.
W.G. Grace had it (the English connection).
Why not?
Why not indeed.
He was sure that they were going to make life hell for the new boy. After all, he too had left his motherland and done splendidly in England. Sure, he didn't have the obvious tattoo or the obnoxious hairstyle (come to think of it, he has no hair). He even admitted to still knowning his mother-tongue and chatted with his former team mates in Afrikaans. He smiled at them sweetly when they fondly called him 'Trotty'. BUT, he became a Kolpak! Why wasn't the crowd calling him a traitor?
No, he did not understand it. Instead of focusing all their energy on Trott, they were still shit-talking him! AFTER he had openly declared the standing ovation he got in his last visit was special. AFTER calling their number one all-rounder the best cricketer in the world. They are still on his case. Like they were last time. Despite the fact that there was a new Kolpak around.
Why cruel world? Oh, the injustice! The unbearable pain! The incessant tears!
But wait, there is a solution. A saviour! A brilliant plan! A DISGUISE!
No one will question it, thanks to Hashim Amla.
Dean Jones is not around.
W.G. Grace had it (the English connection).
Why not?
Why not indeed.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Mascaraman is back
In their warm-up match against Saf XI, Mascaraman is currently 66 not out. He scored 34 and 22 in the other warm-up matches and 11 and 26 in the real matches. So don't fret. It doesn't mean anything. Mascaraman's forte is warm-up games. He doesn't like his batting to be burning hot. It makes his mascara run.
In the same match the Saffa bloods fell for 1 (Strauss), 11 (Trott) and 27 (KP). We are waiting for Michael Vaughan's statement. Unfortunately, he is not Pakistani. Otherwise all match fixing allegations would have taken priority over hair commitments. Yes, he looks like a creep there.
Speaking of Vaughan, he has told the press that the Saffa bowling attack has only Dale Steyn really so the Poms can just practice against machines and they'll be ready for the tests. Luke Wright has promptly gone into hiding, Morne Morkel just absorbed his words (that's all I am going to tell you for now) and Mickey Aurthur is on a ledge somewhere screaming "More Michael, more!". Of course he could also be talking about the hair.
Another interesting piece of article on Crapinfo is about how Andy F. and Andy S. are worried that they won't be able to balance a test side without a proper all-rounder. The picture used was that of Luke Wright's. Golden boy Barbie got this mention however:
Broad at No. 7 would be the most attacking, almost gung-ho, route England could take -"Let's hit South Africa with all we've got." For better or worse, it would make for entertaining cricket.
Just entertaining, nothing else. Last seen, Barbie is wearing her prom dress and remembering her prom queen days to make herself feel better about the fact that she is STILL not considered an all-rounder. Even after the Ashes.
Life is so unfair at times.
In the same match the Saffa bloods fell for 1 (Strauss), 11 (Trott) and 27 (KP). We are waiting for Michael Vaughan's statement. Unfortunately, he is not Pakistani. Otherwise all match fixing allegations would have taken priority over hair commitments. Yes, he looks like a creep there.
Speaking of Vaughan, he has told the press that the Saffa bowling attack has only Dale Steyn really so the Poms can just practice against machines and they'll be ready for the tests. Luke Wright has promptly gone into hiding, Morne Morkel just absorbed his words (that's all I am going to tell you for now) and Mickey Aurthur is on a ledge somewhere screaming "More Michael, more!". Of course he could also be talking about the hair.
Another interesting piece of article on Crapinfo is about how Andy F. and Andy S. are worried that they won't be able to balance a test side without a proper all-rounder. The picture used was that of Luke Wright's. Golden boy Barbie got this mention however:
Broad at No. 7 would be the most attacking, almost gung-ho, route England could take -"Let's hit South Africa with all we've got." For better or worse, it would make for entertaining cricket.
Just entertaining, nothing else. Last seen, Barbie is wearing her prom dress and remembering her prom queen days to make herself feel better about the fact that she is STILL not considered an all-rounder. Even after the Ashes.
Life is so unfair at times.
Monday, December 7, 2009
KP Claus
Dear Santa,
Since I am home for Christmas this year, I would like to give special gifts to those who have adopted me into their hearts. I would like them to know that even though I am loving every bit of my home-coming, I am always 100% English. So please make sure you give these to them from me.
For Barbie: A very pissed off Yuvraj Singh. Trotty told me that's how Broady likes him, not sure why.
For Straussy: The handbook I wrote when I was captain of England. I really feel he could learn from me.
For Swanny: A new chin. He is rather envious of my looks (Between you and me, he really wishes he looked South African)
For Bresy: A book of Afrikaans slang so the ECB can't chastise him anymore. He really needs it, that dom fokker.
For Ravi: The Ashes Dvd. Oh wait, is he even in it? Can you photo shop him in please?
For Cooky: A video of his last few innings so he can learn from his mistakes. What's that? He has it already? Oh...let's get him a brain then.
For Colly: Also a handbook I wrote on captaincy. But this is when I was captain of BRC.
That will be all this Christmas. I do have to spend the rest of my money on my lovely wife and Anil might not let me play next season. Which reminds me, please send Anil my love. I better start sucking up to him from now.
Since I am home for Christmas this year, I would like to give special gifts to those who have adopted me into their hearts. I would like them to know that even though I am loving every bit of my home-coming, I am always 100% English. So please make sure you give these to them from me.
For Barbie: A very pissed off Yuvraj Singh. Trotty told me that's how Broady likes him, not sure why.
For Straussy: The handbook I wrote when I was captain of England. I really feel he could learn from me.
For Swanny: A new chin. He is rather envious of my looks (Between you and me, he really wishes he looked South African)
For Bresy: A book of Afrikaans slang so the ECB can't chastise him anymore. He really needs it, that dom fokker.
For Ravi: The Ashes Dvd. Oh wait, is he even in it? Can you photo shop him in please?
For Cooky: A video of his last few innings so he can learn from his mistakes. What's that? He has it already? Oh...let's get him a brain then.
For Colly: Also a handbook I wrote on captaincy. But this is when I was captain of BRC.
That will be all this Christmas. I do have to spend the rest of my money on my lovely wife and Anil might not let me play next season. Which reminds me, please send Anil my love. I better start sucking up to him from now.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Head-to-head
At long last the England tour of SA has started. The T20 games were just a tease. THIS is the real deal. The reason I won't feel bad for not studying for exams and then tearing my hair out. It's all worth it. Especially if the Saffas win.
I don't make predictions when it comes to my own team...because they usually go badly (remember the Champions Trophy/Champions League? sigh!). But I will tell you who I am looking forward to watching in the upcoming series.
1) Jimmy vs Dale: One has a kid, one has imaginary grand kids. Both can swing the ball but both have been erratic as of late. Jimmy a little less than Dale, but he has the knee to blame...and tiring wars with Swann on twitter. I am going to say something traitorous right now that you all will read and promptly forget: I like Jimmy as a bowler. He is the only Pom that I can tolerate. Shocked, dazed, forgotten? Good. Moving on...
2) Strauss vs Buffalo: As much as Graeme looks like a buffalo, Strauss is the one with cow brains. And I reject the hypothesis that cows are intelligent animals. They are inferior to buffaloes anyway. Strauss is one of those players I dislike, despite knowing that he is a good cricketer. His captaincy, I feel, is yet to be proven. He didn't do anything revolutionary in the Ashes. There was no need with the Aussies being determined to beat themselves. But he does seem to be able to bring out the best in his players unlike his deputy. Graeme's team is great to begin with, so he has very little to do with them being awesome. But he is contributing regularly as a batsman these days which helps. Plus, I am really hoping Strauss gets a cramp and Graeme decides to break ICC rules and give him a runner...on the condition that the runner is Owais Shah!
3) Swann vs ROFL: This is the only reason I want Swann to recover fast from his injury. Just to prove that ROFL is far more interesting than him and a better spinner. I get this feeling ROFL is the only individual that can convince Swann to give up twittering with his psycho-like expressions. If that doesn't work, we can always depend on the alien living inside ROFL to show Swann the finger and tell him that he sucks.
4) Albie vs Eoin: I also like Eoin Morgan, but only because of his background. I am incapable of hating on anybody with any relation to Ireland. It's Bono. He has clouded my judgement. All I want to see is who can hit the ball further. The one that hits a six all the way to Canada is going to have a glacier named after them. Albertus Glacier. Sounds like a nice peace offering from the Canadians to the Romans.
5) KP vs Trott: Who will make a better effort to secure a place in Vaughan's next book? Who will stand up to the booing crowds better? In fact, who still holds the interest of the Saffers enough to be made fun of, which Flower is sure they are waiting to do? Something tells me no one is winning this one.
I don't make predictions when it comes to my own team...because they usually go badly (remember the Champions Trophy/Champions League? sigh!). But I will tell you who I am looking forward to watching in the upcoming series.
1) Jimmy vs Dale: One has a kid, one has imaginary grand kids. Both can swing the ball but both have been erratic as of late. Jimmy a little less than Dale, but he has the knee to blame...and tiring wars with Swann on twitter. I am going to say something traitorous right now that you all will read and promptly forget: I like Jimmy as a bowler. He is the only Pom that I can tolerate. Shocked, dazed, forgotten? Good. Moving on...
2) Strauss vs Buffalo: As much as Graeme looks like a buffalo, Strauss is the one with cow brains. And I reject the hypothesis that cows are intelligent animals. They are inferior to buffaloes anyway. Strauss is one of those players I dislike, despite knowing that he is a good cricketer. His captaincy, I feel, is yet to be proven. He didn't do anything revolutionary in the Ashes. There was no need with the Aussies being determined to beat themselves. But he does seem to be able to bring out the best in his players unlike his deputy. Graeme's team is great to begin with, so he has very little to do with them being awesome. But he is contributing regularly as a batsman these days which helps. Plus, I am really hoping Strauss gets a cramp and Graeme decides to break ICC rules and give him a runner...on the condition that the runner is Owais Shah!
3) Swann vs ROFL: This is the only reason I want Swann to recover fast from his injury. Just to prove that ROFL is far more interesting than him and a better spinner. I get this feeling ROFL is the only individual that can convince Swann to give up twittering with his psycho-like expressions. If that doesn't work, we can always depend on the alien living inside ROFL to show Swann the finger and tell him that he sucks.
4) Albie vs Eoin: I also like Eoin Morgan, but only because of his background. I am incapable of hating on anybody with any relation to Ireland. It's Bono. He has clouded my judgement. All I want to see is who can hit the ball further. The one that hits a six all the way to Canada is going to have a glacier named after them. Albertus Glacier. Sounds like a nice peace offering from the Canadians to the Romans.
5) KP vs Trott: Who will make a better effort to secure a place in Vaughan's next book? Who will stand up to the booing crowds better? In fact, who still holds the interest of the Saffers enough to be made fun of, which Flower is sure they are waiting to do? Something tells me no one is winning this one.
When Trotty met Steynkie
There was 'Hello Trotty' and 'How are you, Trotty?'. I saw one of our quick bowlers having lunch with him a couple of days before a game.
-Mickey Aurthur
-Mickey Aurthur
"Put an end to matey relations! " says Mickey.
"Stop talking to the press Mickey" said I.
Then it was game time...thankfully.
"Stop talking to the press Mickey" said I.
Then it was game time...thankfully.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Mascaraman should be captain FOREVER
"I'm not sure if anyone has chased 240, we had the belief but we didn't have the skills today".
What a fine example of honesty. He is quite the role model that Alastair Cook. Announcing to the whole world as captain that his team lost because of lack of skills. Notice, the skills seemed to have magically disappeared specifically in the second game against South Africa. As opposed to all the other times when England have boggled us with their ability to play thumping T20 cricket.
England's line up had KP, Trott, Morgan and just for the heck of it, I'll throw Cook in there. Colly, their best T20 batsman (after Morgan these days) was missing, but why do I get the feeling that KP is more than qualified to replace Colly? Oh wait, that's because he is!
Their bowling line up, with the exception of Swann, who I doubt would have been of much use at Centurion, was the same. Yet, when England won the first T20 because of the Saffers' stupidity and Sirs Duckworth and Lewis, follicle-less Nasser said that the Poms deserved to win because of the brand of cricket they had played. So please explain to me how the team that deserves to have their ass saved by rain one day, loses their skills the next. At what point in the game, did the Poms look even remotely interested to chase down the 240? But they must have wanted to because they had the BELIEF!
Cooky, the Saffers are really fantastic hosts. If you ask them nicely, they will scour the borders of Africa to find your team's 'lost' skills for you. But methinks the real skill that is lacking is caring about anything that is not the Ashes. So the hosts will keep on looking, but where will they find something that does not exist to begin with?
Unless you have BELIEF that it can be found. Then it should turn up.
What a fine example of honesty. He is quite the role model that Alastair Cook. Announcing to the whole world as captain that his team lost because of lack of skills. Notice, the skills seemed to have magically disappeared specifically in the second game against South Africa. As opposed to all the other times when England have boggled us with their ability to play thumping T20 cricket.
England's line up had KP, Trott, Morgan and just for the heck of it, I'll throw Cook in there. Colly, their best T20 batsman (after Morgan these days) was missing, but why do I get the feeling that KP is more than qualified to replace Colly? Oh wait, that's because he is!
Their bowling line up, with the exception of Swann, who I doubt would have been of much use at Centurion, was the same. Yet, when England won the first T20 because of the Saffers' stupidity and Sirs Duckworth and Lewis, follicle-less Nasser said that the Poms deserved to win because of the brand of cricket they had played. So please explain to me how the team that deserves to have their ass saved by rain one day, loses their skills the next. At what point in the game, did the Poms look even remotely interested to chase down the 240? But they must have wanted to because they had the BELIEF!
Cooky, the Saffers are really fantastic hosts. If you ask them nicely, they will scour the borders of Africa to find your team's 'lost' skills for you. But methinks the real skill that is lacking is caring about anything that is not the Ashes. So the hosts will keep on looking, but where will they find something that does not exist to begin with?
Unless you have BELIEF that it can be found. Then it should turn up.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Scandalous
Cricket Minded to Michael Vaughan
Cricket Minded to Michael Vaughan
Jonathan Trott has been caught mingling with *GASP* SA's Captain and Vice-captain at a party! It was the England Welcome party, so it's not like Trott put on his fancy white shirt and black pants in the dark and sneaked out of his hotel room to meet them in secret. But that's even worse! He literally waved his South Africanness right at their faces. That traitor! This picture is a clear message of where Trott's loyalties really lie.
He is happy too!
I demand Michael Vaughan write a book about this.
Cricket Minded to Michael Vaughan
Jonathan Trott has been caught mingling with *GASP* SA's Captain and Vice-captain at a party! It was the England Welcome party, so it's not like Trott put on his fancy white shirt and black pants in the dark and sneaked out of his hotel room to meet them in secret. But that's even worse! He literally waved his South Africanness right at their faces. That traitor! This picture is a clear message of where Trott's loyalties really lie.
He is happy too!I demand Michael Vaughan write a book about this.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Boo the Poms
For whining. They are going on and on about how the Saffa crowd is going to stick it to KP and Trott. Flower Power Andy and dipshit Andy fears Trott will get the same treatment that KP got five years ago.
For fuck's sakes! KP is a reject who pretended he was too good for SA and kissed every god damn English behind to prove his Britishness. That is just asking to be made fun of. Trott never denied his Saffer roots, not that I know of. It doesn't mean people won't jeer at him, they will, because it's called SUPPORTING YOUR TEAM. And it's part of cricket. Happens at every fucking game. Most cricketers just man up and take it. But the Pommies are a big bunch of whiny morons who need their mommies to protect them from the big bad Saffa world. They are making such a fuss about it that AB de Villiers had to say something on behalf of his people:
"Like any other touring side they'll obviously get some boos and the normal kind of stuff, but I don't think they'll get a bad reception. Obviously because they're South Africans who went over there and did pretty well, the guys will react a little bit more towards KP and Jonathan Trott, but I don't think in a bad way. The crowd obviously want us to win, but I don't think it will be too bad."
If you thought there's an overuse of the word 'obviously' in this answer, he uses it six times in the whole interview. Which is totally random and has nothing to do with booing the Poms but I thought I'd just point out that AB has flaws, so you can like him again!
Methinks the English are making such a big deal about it even before it has happened so CSA is forced to do something in case it gets out of hand. Fuckers are determined to ruin the fun for all spectators. As if their mediocre batting, bowling and horrendous fielding wasn't bad enough.
Okay fine, they won't boo you. They will shower you with praises and kisses. They will even use special lip gloss so that the kisses have a pleasant smell and make Wayne Parnell the brand ambassador of this gesture.
Happy? Now shut the fuck up and play some cricket. Or whatever you think cricket is.
For fuck's sakes! KP is a reject who pretended he was too good for SA and kissed every god damn English behind to prove his Britishness. That is just asking to be made fun of. Trott never denied his Saffer roots, not that I know of. It doesn't mean people won't jeer at him, they will, because it's called SUPPORTING YOUR TEAM. And it's part of cricket. Happens at every fucking game. Most cricketers just man up and take it. But the Pommies are a big bunch of whiny morons who need their mommies to protect them from the big bad Saffa world. They are making such a fuss about it that AB de Villiers had to say something on behalf of his people:
"Like any other touring side they'll obviously get some boos and the normal kind of stuff, but I don't think they'll get a bad reception. Obviously because they're South Africans who went over there and did pretty well, the guys will react a little bit more towards KP and Jonathan Trott, but I don't think in a bad way. The crowd obviously want us to win, but I don't think it will be too bad."
If you thought there's an overuse of the word 'obviously' in this answer, he uses it six times in the whole interview. Which is totally random and has nothing to do with booing the Poms but I thought I'd just point out that AB has flaws, so you can like him again!
Methinks the English are making such a big deal about it even before it has happened so CSA is forced to do something in case it gets out of hand. Fuckers are determined to ruin the fun for all spectators. As if their mediocre batting, bowling and horrendous fielding wasn't bad enough.
Okay fine, they won't boo you. They will shower you with praises and kisses. They will even use special lip gloss so that the kisses have a pleasant smell and make Wayne Parnell the brand ambassador of this gesture.
Happy? Now shut the fuck up and play some cricket. Or whatever you think cricket is.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Ashes: Random thoughts
I won't do a full post on the Ashes because England is a joke and Australia is South Africa's arch nemesis. But I will share my random thoughts as I watch the game:
-I am excited about the 5th test...been waiting to watch a good test match since SA vs Aus last summer
-Australia seems to get wickets the minute I watch. Collingwood and Bell both fell soon after I sat in front of the television. Must remember this when Oz plays the Saffas and Bdesh.
-Ian Bell's 50 made me throw up first thing in the morning. Ricky Ponting is responsible for my loss of body fluid so early in the day. Must sue.
-I like Siddle. That dude can bowl. Too bad he is Australian.
-Strauss, Prior, Pietersen and Trott were all born in South Africa. They must be renamed as the South Africa B team. Might earn them more respect.
-Lilly Allen is at the game but Onions has been dropped. The cameraman kept the camera poised on her till she waved upon Warnie and Hussain's incessant begging. Warnie really needs to learn how to keep it in his pants.
-Swann...is...still...in...the...team. This time I died from laughter. Strauss and Flower will be compensating my family for the early loss of their beloved daughter.
-I am excited about the 5th test...been waiting to watch a good test match since SA vs Aus last summer
-Australia seems to get wickets the minute I watch. Collingwood and Bell both fell soon after I sat in front of the television. Must remember this when Oz plays the Saffas and Bdesh.
-Ian Bell's 50 made me throw up first thing in the morning. Ricky Ponting is responsible for my loss of body fluid so early in the day. Must sue.
-I like Siddle. That dude can bowl. Too bad he is Australian.
-Strauss, Prior, Pietersen and Trott were all born in South Africa. They must be renamed as the South Africa B team. Might earn them more respect.
-Lilly Allen is at the game but Onions has been dropped. The cameraman kept the camera poised on her till she waved upon Warnie and Hussain's incessant begging. Warnie really needs to learn how to keep it in his pants.
-Swann...is...still...in...the...team. This time I died from laughter. Strauss and Flower will be compensating my family for the early loss of their beloved daughter.
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