The Zimbabwe Tri-series

When India and Sri Lanka landed in Zimbabwe, they were told that they had only come to put themselves on display while the Zimbabwean cricketers do some job shadowing. You know, so they can build their skills and put it in their resumes for the other cricket nations to review and decide whether they want to play against them. Except, the Indians and Lankans were so bad at their own profession that the Zimbabweans decided to stop the shadowing and do their work for them. And what a fine job they did! 

I don't care if both the teams are missing key players and Dilshan is captaining Sri Lanka. Even an Indian or Sri Lankan second stream team should be able to beat Zimbabwe. Simply because no matter how inadequate the development phase of cricket is in these two countries, they can't be worse than the politicially motivated Zimbabwe. Yet, Zimbabwe have managed to produce players that can whoop Sri Lankan and Indian ass. Comfortably too.

Also, how about the fact that neither India nor Sri Lanka have sent their second strings to Zimbabwe? They just sent experimental teams, without their stars. And most of those lab rats have played in the first XI. I don't know how to exactly describe them. Err...oh yes! India and Sri Lanka after the retirement of Tendulkar, Sehwag, Sangakara and Mahela! Big, bright future boys!

I also don't care if this is only Zimbabwe and nobody is watching. Here's why: will this go down to the records? Yes it will. Will everybody know that India got knocked out by Zimbabwe in a tri-series? Yes they will. Will the Zimbabweans celebrate like mad and consider this a succesful tour (specially if they win today)? Yes they will. Will there be a trophy involved? Yes there will. So guess what? IT MATTERS. Even if you were involved in a tri-series with Afghanistan it matters.

They are putting their all in it. Why the fuck won't you? Oh, because you are India and Sri Lanka. You have been doing is for a while now. God forbid you should take a tri-series in Zimbabwe seriously. You have ICC rankings for fuck's sakes

I don't know about you but I can't wait for the final game today. Of course, now that I have written about Zimbabwe there is a 99.99% chance that they will lose.

Let the losing begin

Alright, lost against India, won against Afghanistan. So far, exactly how I had predicted. Good, good. Although if you thought that was a good performance from the Saffers, look again. They lost a lot of wickets. Of course, credit should be given to the Afghans because Hamid Hassan is a fucking awesome bowler and Nabi, well Nabi can bowl a doosra!

The bowling was amazing, but let's not get carried away. Afghanistan's batting isn't really all that great. Short means out. Every single time.And Morne bowls short. Every single time. Think the sumo won't send those balls to South Africa? Think again.

Also, spare a thought for the other Morkel. His balls are sent to the heavens even when he is bowling against Afghanistan. I hope Albie's child has officially abandoned all hopes of becoming an all-rounder. Especially if he is about to get bowling lessons from his dad. Won't matter anyway. Ever generation of batsmen will be taught that the Albie man can bat sometimes, but can't bowl for shit. Hit him and his decendants into oblivion.

The Saffers did kill today but still managed to embarrass themselves in the process. They lost wickets regularly, they had a fabulous start and then allowed the tail to make runs. It's their tradition and they are very big on tradition, them Saffa boys.

Next they meet the Kiwis, Pakistan and England. I'm assuming they will uphold the tradition. Problem is, these teams are not Afghanistan, although Laden probably has family living in two of those countries. They are either good at T20 or have beaten the Saffers in limited overs cricket pretty solidly before. Unless the Saffers have figured out how to play Afridi and Ajmal (which is not bound to happen till my great-grand children are on this earth) or how to contain Eoin Morgan (yeah right!), be prepared for a Saffa exit.

Okay fine, I won't be so negative. The Saffers will go through to the semis and lift the cup amidst fireworks and that dramatic song they play in the beginning of all the matches! Then I will fall in love with the Buffalo and we will produce lots of babies who will all captain South Africa, one by one.

Oh, and Laden will dance at our wedding.

Guidline to a killer instinct

Specially for the Saffers, who are being epic dickheads.

-In the event that an ecounter is futile, as in striking the victim a number of times will not ensure that the victim isn't alive and kicking, bash victim repeatedly. Even if victim is alive afterwards, at least one will have caused some injury.

-Complete destruction of weak victims are neither appealing nor heroic, if followed or preceded by an embarrassing failure.

-One must not look like one does not want to kill the victim, the victim can smell it.

-Niceness is for retards, one must get over it.

-Always strategise for a murder, anything else is punishable by death.

-If strategy is anything other than murder, due to some irreversible brain malfunction, putting it on display for the whole world to see may cause several upset stomachs and basically lead to an upsurge of vomit levels in the world. Please refrain from making such pathetic display.

-When planning annihilation (which should be always), picking Morne is a mistake. He likes to hand out candies to victims in certain formats.

-When planning annihilation (which should be always), leaving Rusty basically means one likes rotten eggs on one's face, hair and mouth.

-Asking the rookie to kill Suresh Raina is...a rookie mistake.

-If one lacks killer instincts, one is to be tied upside down to a tree and dried under the sun until one's brain receives all the blood required to make one's brain function normally. One will only be forgiven if one decides to take the reverse path in this ICC tournament i.e. losing now so one can win later. Like in the semis.

One had better reach the semis.

Sabotage deux

Since it's time for allegations again, I have one of my own. There is obviously an Indian connection, because no accusation is complete without a trail back to the subcontinent. Only in cricket though. For the rest of the world, no accusation is complete without a connection to the Middle East. But with Afghanistan making a mark, this may also be true in the world of cricket soon.

This is not a match fixing allegation but one of sabotage. The accused is Praveen Kumar and at the receiving end we have his beloved RCB team-mate and South Africa's only hope in the upcoming T20 World Cup, Jacques Kallis. The chosen method of sabotage was arm-wrestling, which was clearly meant to be a friendly match. But here's a picture of Praveen realizing in the middle that this is his chance to make sure that Jacques Kallis does not play when South Africa meets India in the group stages. Thus, he attempts to break Kallis' hand:

 Picture courtesy of Prafs

Judging from Jakes' current form the plan may or may not have worked. But he is clearly in pain and one more attempt may put him out for a few weeks. And there may be more as Jakes is there for another 2 weeks or so. Realizing the gravity of the situation, my alien soon-to-be-adopted son (we have reconciled and are trying to be a family again), ROFL have volunteered to donate his arm to Jakes, in case Praveen succeeds.

 
Picture courtesy of Official Website of RCB

That's right, team-mates for life! Oh and Praveen, even though he plays for Rajasthan, Morne wanted you to know that he is not amused.

Saffa T20 WC squad

First of all, why the fuck is this tournament taking place again? Didn't they agree to have one every two years? How silly to fight over a cup every year. This isn't a beauty pageant you idiots!

Anyway, now that it is upon us and after the ever-lasting IPL, we might as well embrace it. I suspect I will have to embrace it for a few days anyway, because of this squad:

Graeme Smith (capt), Jacques Kallis (vice-capt), Loots Bosman, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Herschelle Gibbs, Rory Kleinveldt, Charl Langeveldt, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Dale Steyn, Juan Theron, Roelof van der Merwe. 

What's wrong with it you say? Well let's start with the Buffalo, who is coming off an injury. This will be his first international game since the broken finger. Yes, he has had to bat with his broken finger/hand/elbow/some part of his upper limb a lot of times, so he should be able to deal with it by now. Works in theory, not always in practice.

AB, JP, Hersch are in terrible form. JP is yet to play in an IPL game. AB was dropped because he was struggling, just like my Hersch. Mark and Dale were also dropped for no reason. Regardless, Mark hasn't been awesome with the bat in T20's and Dale, although a feared T20 bowler hasn't really been taking wickets. They can't win without taking wickets. And the Saffers don't have any other wicket takers. Johan has also been sitting, like ROFL. Morne's wides makes Albie look like a bowler. Albie may or may not have found his mojo again. But we can't rely on his yo-yo form. And of course, there is no Wayne.

That leave Jakes, Loots Bosman,Kleinveldt, Charl and his one eye and Juan Theron. Juan is a debutant and Rory hasn't played an international match since 2008. Does it matter? He probably won't get a game. This mean it's upto Loots and Jakes to win matches against India and Afghanistan. Unless the Afghans pull off an upset, the Saffers will probably make it to round two as the second team.

And then crash out.

The only consolation we can take from this is that they won't be crashing out in the semis. No choking for them this time around! YES!

See how well I fake excitement?

WI vs Aus

Again! Weren't Gayle and co. JUST there?

This is apparently the ODI series that they couldn't play after the test because Pakistan needed to come and intervene. I am very interested to know where the Windies were all these days. Ricky's basement, up Twatto ass, Pup's twitter account are some possible options.

Sri Lanka only tour India and Bangladesh, Zimbabwe tour whatever country clears them at security check and Pakistan visits those countries they think they can convince to come over to their land. It never happens, and inevitably Dubai or England "generously" offer their ground.

I am so bored. Haul Sri Lanka's ass over to Ozland. Or take the Aussies to Zimbabwe. Even better will be flying the Saffers to Afghanistan next.

C'mon ICC! Shake it up a notch. Take some risks. Give Ireland a test status! And some free alcohol to cricket lovers everywhere. Just because.