That's it?

I missed the Sri Lanka and India game yesterday because of work. Story of my life lately! But I did log onto Twitter for a bit to see what was going on and I realized that I missed something very interesting. Twitterville was buzzing with opinions on the 'Randiv incident'. I couldn't wait to go back home and look it up.

When I did, it turned out that Randiv had deliberately bowled a no ball, when India needed one run to win so Sehwag would not get his 13th ODI hundred. And I thought to myself, that's it?

By the reactions of those on the internet, one would think that this was Sehwag's last ever ODI match and he was denied a glorious exit. I am sure Sehwag was at his prolific best as he often tends to be but seriously, what a fucking sorry-ass of an incident!

This has less to do with Virender Sehwag and more to do with batsmen and their continuous whining. They whine about everything. Pitches annoy them, audience members distract them, umpires give them unfair decisions, bowlers deny them centuries...hello, that's their fucking job! Just because the match is lost, he is supposed to hand you a century?

And don't give me all that crap about the 'Spirit of Cricket'. What is the Spirit of Cricket really? You can bend that law/saying/intuition/whatever it is supposed to be to make your own point. Like statistics, it is only there to serve your purpose and nothing else. Like, if this was the century that was going to take Sehwag past Sachin Tendulkar in the record books, I would have used the Spirit of Cricket bullshit to blast Randiv and condemned him for his act. See how easy that was?

And if we are so big on the Spirit of Cricket how about investing in something called the Spirit of Bowling as well? Let's not expect bowlers to pick up the slack of shitty batting performances; let's have harsh punishments for terrible fielders who drop the one fucking ball that comes to them after the bowlers have toiled for hours; let's recognize the bowler's contribution not only when he has taken wickets but also when he bowled brilliantly but remained wicket less. LET FAST BOWLERS BOUNCE THE BATSMEN! Let spinners deceive them. Make pitches...aah fuck it! That's a lost cause.

My point is, had this happened to Shane Watson, we would have all laughed and said he deserved it for being a twat. And Watson is, if you force your brain to think about it for a few seconds, a pretty talented batsman as well. We would have said that Randiv was being competitive, so why support Sehwag's whining?

Me, I am glad he got stranded on 99. Just like I support an opposition team's increased efforts to rattle a batsman when he is in the 90's, irrespective of the situation.

The Zimbabwe Tri-series

When India and Sri Lanka landed in Zimbabwe, they were told that they had only come to put themselves on display while the Zimbabwean cricketers do some job shadowing. You know, so they can build their skills and put it in their resumes for the other cricket nations to review and decide whether they want to play against them. Except, the Indians and Lankans were so bad at their own profession that the Zimbabweans decided to stop the shadowing and do their work for them. And what a fine job they did! 

I don't care if both the teams are missing key players and Dilshan is captaining Sri Lanka. Even an Indian or Sri Lankan second stream team should be able to beat Zimbabwe. Simply because no matter how inadequate the development phase of cricket is in these two countries, they can't be worse than the politicially motivated Zimbabwe. Yet, Zimbabwe have managed to produce players that can whoop Sri Lankan and Indian ass. Comfortably too.

Also, how about the fact that neither India nor Sri Lanka have sent their second strings to Zimbabwe? They just sent experimental teams, without their stars. And most of those lab rats have played in the first XI. I don't know how to exactly describe them. Err...oh yes! India and Sri Lanka after the retirement of Tendulkar, Sehwag, Sangakara and Mahela! Big, bright future boys!

I also don't care if this is only Zimbabwe and nobody is watching. Here's why: will this go down to the records? Yes it will. Will everybody know that India got knocked out by Zimbabwe in a tri-series? Yes they will. Will the Zimbabweans celebrate like mad and consider this a succesful tour (specially if they win today)? Yes they will. Will there be a trophy involved? Yes there will. So guess what? IT MATTERS. Even if you were involved in a tri-series with Afghanistan it matters.

They are putting their all in it. Why the fuck won't you? Oh, because you are India and Sri Lanka. You have been doing is for a while now. God forbid you should take a tri-series in Zimbabwe seriously. You have ICC rankings for fuck's sakes

I don't know about you but I can't wait for the final game today. Of course, now that I have written about Zimbabwe there is a 99.99% chance that they will lose.

Fat isn't the new fit

Hello India,

I flew across weights and cardio machines to bring you important news. It is imperative that you listen. Put down that bowl of lipids stuffed in cholestrol and drenched in soluble carbs and listen to me:

FAT ISN'T THE NEW FIT

It wasn't the new fit when Ranatunga sported and it wasn't the new fit when Shane Warne sported it. It won't be the new fit today, nor tomorrow. Deal with it.

What is the definition of fat you ask? Well, it's simple really.

If you  ripped your pants while taking a catch, you are fat.
If you took your shirt off to dance and the camera had to move away, or people watching television had to blindfold themselves, you are fat.
If you are wearing baggy, sportswear and people can make you that your belly is related to Yokozuna, you are fat.
If your coach is 42 and able to beat you at 'who can reach the other end of the pitch faster', you are fat.
If your name is Yuvraj, Zaheer, Suresh or Rohit, you are fat.

And if you are fat, you ain't fit.

So my friends in blue, hit the gym, do those lunges, lift a tonne, run like the wind...just leave Harbhajan behind. Muscles aren't his thing. Neither is bowling but what the hell!

And when all this is over, kindly upload pictures on Twitter. The world needs proof. Social networking and Iphones will help you get the evidence to them.

 This ain't no joke son

Okay, maybe it is a joke. Give me a hug, Gary will let us play irrespective of waist sizes

For more inspirational pictures, go here.

Sehwag is injured again

Last year this time, Virender Sehwag sustained an injury. This year, Sehwag has also sustained an injury. Three things remain consistent in this monotonous story: the IPL, the T20 WC and Sehwag's shoulder.

Sehwag's shoulder, if you don't know is a portal to the future. It sensed that India was going to exit in the second round and Gary Kirsten was going to blame the IPL. So it gave away to fatigue. Lactic acid buildup, muscle breakdown, colour going from blue to purple to black...the shoulder went through the whole works. It meant Sehwag got a full four to five months vacation. But of course, on paper it was pure torture for the Sehwag. He lives to play cricket after all.

This year, the shoulder looked through its looking glass again and realized India was about to make another early exit and Gary Kirsten was going to blame it on the IPL again. Might be the last time after all. What if there is no IPL next year? So on command, the shoulder has collapsed. This year, Sehwag's vacation will be a little bit sweeter because now he does not have to add to his repertoire of crappy shots that will get you out. The shoulder will get a treat for its wonderful work.

Very soon others will be injured and we will all cry "Too much cricket!". Then Umar Gul will come limping and say, "But I haven't played cricket in months!". We will scratch our heads and look for more evidence and come up with nothing. Because really, when was the last time a test match was played? When is the next test match? We don't know. But there is still too much cricket, otherwise why would Sehwag be injured twice in a row just before the World T20 and midway/after the IPL?

Throughout all of this Virender Sehwag will sit in at home playing Oongli (finger) Cricket. It doesn't require his shoulders, but it does require the rest of the Indian squad to come home so they can have a good game going. But that is not a problem either. As long as they have the IPL to blame.

In retrospect

South Africa's record in the past two series now reads 2 draws and 1 loss. If you really think about it, it should have been three wins.

Really, they should have won 3-1 against England and 1-0 against India. They messed up twice in the second test. Once in the first innings after tea and the second time on the last day, right after Hash and Ashy P had settled down. Parnie and Morne should never have been in that situation. And Kallis should not have played that shot.

They should also have won the first ODI, meaning they would have won this 2-1 as well.

"If only" is a phrase too often used by a Protea fan. It's always if this, if that, if only we had been the first to bat.

Consolation wins mean ziltch after sometime. Because during the dead-rubber matches, the Saffers are so mind-blowingly brilliant that you actually wish your mind was an atomic bomb that could burst on command. Their inconsistency makes Pakistan look rock steady.

Everybody was brilliant today. I was particularly proud of my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. Did you see that ball that turned away, peeked at Sreesanth and decided to go straight for his legs? That one was fun! AB was fun to watch too. As was Tsotsobe. I really love that guy, but I don't know if he can replace Parnie. Unless he is injured of course.

But the reality is, this was an inexperienced Indian team. They didn't have their frontline bowling attack...if you can call Durby a frontline bowler. The Saffers knew this and they bullied them to death.

Honestly, I did not expect the Saffers to even achieve this. But then I thought, why shouldn't I? They are a friggin' brilliant team, as the first test demonstrated. They conquered Sachin, Sehwag, Gambhir, Dhoni and Zaheer there. But these bursts and fizzles are getting very,very hard to handle. Next up is the IPL, meaning another long-ass break for the team. Just when they were beginning to get their groove back.

And Dale just said in an interview that he thought this was a good series. If only he was right!

Cricket at home

Me: South African supporter
My Dad: Indian supporter

India vs South Africa, First test

Me: Dad looked, India collapsed under Dale Steyn's pace. He is the number one bowler in the world!

Dad: Hmm.

Me: India is following on. I think they are going to lose this!!

Dad: They should, after this display. Where is Zaheer?

Me: He is playing.

Dad: %#$@#@*!! Hmph!

*Sulks and walks out*

India vs South Africa, Second test

Dad: Did Sehwag score a century yet?

Me: Hmm.

Dad: Tendulkar will too.

Me: Probably.

Dad: Where is Dale Steyn?

Me: He is playing.

Dad: HAHAHAHAHAHA.

*I sulk and walk out*

Save JP

His batting is in dire straits.

Not surprising. Players may make fantastic debuts, then they falter. Their technical flaws are exposed, their inexperience slaps them in the face and sends them back to the pavilion. On top of that, they have all these added burden of being worth $950,000 and meeting people's expectations as a player to watch out for. You can't judge a player's greatness by one season. It's illogical. Yes, Ian Chappell, that was a response to you.

I am also guilty of having high expectations from the little man. I enrolled him in my sweet-faced assassin group and said this was the year of JP.

Since then, he has made fleeting appearances on the field. His okay bowling against England saved his test spot. But JP, you ain't a bowler, you are a god damn batsman.

We also thought he was an awesome fielder. To duly prove us wrong, the little man dropped Sehwag at the slips yesterday. Sehwag went on to make 165. Okay, so he isn't a slip fielder. But he does have great reflexes right? That drop was just a disconnect between brain and limbs.

I am extremely disappointed in him. Or I can just blame the Buffalo for putting him in the slips in the first place. But I won't, as tempting as that is. JP's batting woes is obviously causing him to fuck up everywhere else.

So it's time to save JP, meaning it's time to drop him. It's not a big deal. Every cricketer, no matter how great, needs a kick in the ass at some point. Sending JP back to the nets will shake him up. He will come back stronger. Like Hashim, like Dale, like Morne, like...well pretty much everybody.

Save JP from crumbling beyond repair under the weight of expecations. I need my baby faced assassin back.

Losing at home is the new thing

Just not losing, losing by an innings and some runs. England's only loss in the Ashes was an innings defeat. The Saffers pulled off the same show of ultimate crap at home and now India has dramatized it to the max.

Note, in between there were series such as Pakistan in Sri Lanka, the Kiwis in Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka in India, Windies and Pakistanis in Aussieland and Pakistan vs New Zealand in Oil land. But the hosts won there (or the Sheikhs won by making money), so they are banned from taking part in this new trend. The Kiwis and the Deshis committed additional crimes by losing at home, but not by an innings. Disgraceful!

However, I must admit India did it with style. The Poms and the Saffers carefully made sure someone attempted to stand out, but doesn't really follow through. Not with India. In India, there are always heroes.

Sehwag entertains the crowd, gets out, says sorry. Sachin keeps hopes alive, gets unlucky, walks back. Durby slashes his bat around like some cheap imitation of Superman and fails inevitably. That turban causes too much friction during his flight through the air. That's why Superman put it as a cape on his back, Bhajji.
This time, their fast bowler puts up a fight too. If Witchy, Aamer and Dale are doing it, why not Zaheer?

Even after all the heroics, they cannot be saved from an innings defeat. It may be because the enormous tasks themselves are tired of being done by the same heroes. They are on strike. "Make new Indian players write history", they scream. But who is listening?

Or maybe it was the hypnotic effect of the newest number one trend in the world. If aspiring number one England and stuttering number one South Africa can do it, why not the actual number one themselves? And do it one notch above them too. With flair and style, falling merely 6 runs short. Making sure that their fans are much more disappointed than the Poms and the Saffers.

That way, they are number one in defeat as well. This commitment to the top most rank has impressed me immensely. Clearly, all doubts about which team in the world is currently number one, have been dispelled.

Clearly.

Where is Dilshan from?

Clearly a planet where anything less than a century is considered a disgrace. And anything just a runs above a century is considered an okay effort. Just okay. Not fabulous. Soon, anything less than 150 will become atrocious in this place. I suspect Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar are the fathers of this planet and Brian Lara is the 'Wise One' sitting in a corner, smoking a pipe and throwing stray cats at children. And obviously the planet is incomplete without it's troubled child, my Herschelle pre-2005.

What happened today was simply delicious. Zaheer getting the late wickets, a suprising Harbajan run out (he was possessed) and Matthews leading the fightback. Why Kandambi didn't last till the end I don't know. I can tell you that he meant to though. He really did. Please forgive him. After I have punished him of course.

But honestly, Dilshan is a freak of nature and Sri Lanka should do more to support him. Like not have a brain freeze on the days he doesn't perform.

Speaking of brain freeze, Ricky had one when he decided not to enforce the follow on. Or maybe he just wanted to let Watto get to that elusive hundred. Didn't work out too well for ya, eh Ricky?

The delicious event in that match was Kemar Roach getting Punter's wicket.

Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

Things

I realize I've been a bit rubbish lately with replying back to comments and posting in general. A proper post is long overdue, but that is not about to happen unfortunately, because my darling laptop has added to my exam woes. It basically means I'll be around, with a post here and there, but not really. Kind of like Michael Hussey's batting.

While I am here now, I have to mention Sehwag's 293, I must mention Sehwag's 293. What the fuck was that? It might have been seven short of a triple but it is definitely not short of a cult status. Sehwag's 293. Just mention those two words and generations of cricket lovers will know what you are talking about.

I must also mention the new triad in town, Aamer, Asif and Gul. The third is there against my wishes, but the bastard did reduce the Kiwis to pulp. Bah! At least if Pakistan win this, we'll have a good test series.

For a little Saffa connection, I'll throw Mark Boucher in there, whose birthday I missed. Bouchy turned 33 yesterday. I'm hoping the Saffers give him a birthday present in the form of tossed up Brits. Although I'm slightly nervous about the last game because the weather forecast is rain. And rain is a little bitch when it comes to the Saffers.

This is where I will stop for today. Now that I have scored a painful little nothing, in true Hussey style, I must retire.

Just trying to send someone a message.

The old Indian team is back

Highest scorer: Sachin- 175
Second highest scorer: Raina- 59
Third highest scorer: Sehwag- 38

Everybody else just visited Sachin to remind him that he is India's saviour. A job he took pretty seriously, till he decided McKay should get a prized wicket on his debut. What was up with that shot? Did McKay seriously fool him with his slow ball? On a night where Sachin Tendulkar was nearly invincible, some new comer faked him and got his wicket. After which the Indians suddenly remembered their old ways ("Sachin is not on the field mommy, I don't want to play!") and collapsed beautifully. I can already hear the ladies knocking on McKay's door.

India might as well wear yellow at the next game. They seem to love playing for Australia. Although, I thought Ricky was actually giving India a hand when he gave the last over to Shane Watson. I got all excited for the full tosses, but he didn't crumble under pressure. I'm sad that Watto is actually living up to his potential these days. I am running out of players to laugh at. Wait, I still have the English. And Mitchell Johnson. I like him, I really do. But an opporunity to laugh at the bowling figures of Oz's future spearhead AND ICC Player of the Year, is not something I'm going to let pass.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Champions Trophy injury list

South Africa: Herschelle Gibbs
What: Strained rib muscle
How: Once upon a time a Buffalo was born. Twenty-eight years later he hit my bald man with his 200 pound tail.
Prognosis: Batting a little, should be back to kick some English ass on Sunday.

India: Virender Sehwag
What: Shoulder injury
How: Carrying a trillion dollar shawl on his shoulders at a fashion show.
Prognosis: Will not be available for the Champions Trophy.

India: Yuvraj Singh
What: Fractured finger
How: Eating too many hamburgers.
Prognosis: Out for 6 weeks by the grace of everything good and pure.

New Zealand: Jacob Oram
What: Damaged hamstring
How: He thought he was a real life Kiwi and tried to 'fly' from a window. He also thought Kiwis could fly.
Prognosis: Still to be assessed. We are breathlessly waiting for some news.

New Zealand: Ian Butler
What: Umm..stomach bug
How: Ravi Bopara thought he was Ian Bell and sneezed on his food to stop him from taking his spot in the team.
Prognosis: Hasn't trained with the team yet. Not that it makes a difference.

Pakistan: Younis Khan
What: Hairline fracture on his little finger
How: For touching Afridi's hair with that finger
Prognosis: Hopes to be fit for India on Saturday. Something tells me he will be.

England: Kevin Pietersen
What: Achilles tendon surgery that didn't heal according to plan
How: The initial injury happened when his wife kicked him for not coming to watch her dance. It didn't heal properly because he kicked it again to make sure he stayed back in England to work on his accent.
Prognosis: Hopefully out till the end of time.

Australia: Shane Watson
What: The smallest bone in his ear
How: He realized he has been fit for more than a fortnight. So he played the guitar till his ear bone broke.
Prognosis: Won't know till the next injury comes around. Which will be soon.