The Poms arrive in Saffaland in a few days. I have been waiting for this tournament a long time. I am so excited that I secretly stalked the Poms to see how they were preparing. I am going to have to report to Mickey soon, but I just had to share this with you guys.
Still perplexed by how cricket is actually played, the Pommies give up and pursue a new form of line dancing. It involves grabbing each others hands tightly in a show of manly love and swaying from side to side. It's quite clever you see because when the Saffa batsmen run in between the wickets, instead of running for the ball they will do this dance and trap the batsmen between their arms. Meanwhile the ball will attempt to walk back to the pitch and throw itself at the stumps.
To try and prove that he is not a little boy anymore, Stuart Broad has bought a bigger ball to play with. He will keep this ball on display at all times preferably around the groin region so that it can block the yorkers and the googlies. This way, none of the Saffas can bowl him out and he can call himself a batsman.
Every time the Saffas are piling on runs, the Poms will pose next to a table and stare at the batsmen. They have heard about the wonders of intimidation in cricket and want to try it out with their awkwardly positioned captain, skimpy tank tops and the Ghosts of Crappy Past.
And just in case that doesn't work, they will wear their suits, bring a plane in the middle of the pitch, pull out two little Red Riding Hoods from their pockets and wave like the Queen. When the wave is done in unison, it reflects on the sky like well...a wave, and signals to Her Highness that the people of Pomland are in trouble. She must put on her test whites and come play for England. Unfortunately for them, the Queen is busy taking pictures with the REAL English Cricket Team.
So finally, when all else has failed, the Poms will resort to their last strategy, which is bowing down to the Saffers and hoping they show some mercy.
Mickey and I will be deciding just how much mercy the Saffers should pretend to show to the Pommies before plummeting them to the centre of the Earth. Will keep you posted.