SA was brilliant. Morne was brilliant.
Australia you SUCK BALLS!
This post also sucks balls but it is all I have time for right now.
Another fact that sucks balls is that I will be missing the grand finale tomorrow.
It's a regular suckfest.
Let me know how it goes. Specially if Australia loses. Which they will.
Showing posts with label Morne Morkel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Morne Morkel. Show all posts
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
No, I will NOT!
The worst thing about getting lazy is right when you have compiled a thousand and one ways to make fun of the Aussies, the Saffers come up with a performance like the one we were subjected to yesterday.
And I was going to make so much fun of Pat Cummins being Barbie's pre-pubertal Ken with zits that are so terrorized by Saffa batsmen that they pop on their own.
I hadn't bargained for SA's wonderful middle order. Actually, was there even a middle order? I certainly didn't see them. Did you?
I didn't see the bowling either, so I can't really comment on how that went. But it seems like the pitch worked pretty well for Pat Cummins (who better fade away soon). So I don't know what my Dale and Morkel were doing.
Of course, the correct way of going about this is to blame the rain. South Africa loses 90% of the games that have been affected by rain. The rest 10% are washed out.
So no, I will not write a proper post on this because there are still two more games to go and Ricky Ponting will very soon revert back to his 'can't bat, can't captain' stance. I can feel it coming.
My only consolation from this game is that Witchy Mitchy is soon going to feel the pressure from Ken Cummins and give us the joy of pie chucking.
(In case you are wondering, I will also not mention Bangladesh's glorious revenge against the West Indies. I would have, had it been the second ODI of the three ODI's series but it wasn't. It was the last miserable game and the series had already been lost by then. So what is the point? Bangladesh-always coming up with a stellar performance when all has been lost. We have to fucking change the format of every series for them. Start with the last ODI first! Idiots.)
And I was going to make so much fun of Pat Cummins being Barbie's pre-pubertal Ken with zits that are so terrorized by Saffa batsmen that they pop on their own.
I hadn't bargained for SA's wonderful middle order. Actually, was there even a middle order? I certainly didn't see them. Did you?
I didn't see the bowling either, so I can't really comment on how that went. But it seems like the pitch worked pretty well for Pat Cummins (who better fade away soon). So I don't know what my Dale and Morkel were doing.
Of course, the correct way of going about this is to blame the rain. South Africa loses 90% of the games that have been affected by rain. The rest 10% are washed out.
So no, I will not write a proper post on this because there are still two more games to go and Ricky Ponting will very soon revert back to his 'can't bat, can't captain' stance. I can feel it coming.
My only consolation from this game is that Witchy Mitchy is soon going to feel the pressure from Ken Cummins and give us the joy of pie chucking.
(In case you are wondering, I will also not mention Bangladesh's glorious revenge against the West Indies. I would have, had it been the second ODI of the three ODI's series but it wasn't. It was the last miserable game and the series had already been lost by then. So what is the point? Bangladesh-always coming up with a stellar performance when all has been lost. We have to fucking change the format of every series for them. Start with the last ODI first! Idiots.)
Saturday, October 1, 2011
New background
I made a new background and I am quite proud of it. But stupid blogger won't let you see it in all it's glory. So here it is.
It's pretty amateur, I know. But please like it and tell the world how good I am at cutting and pasting pictures on paint.
Twelve days to go..
Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.
Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.
Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team.
Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.
ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES.
AB is injured and out.
The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.
The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.
But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.
All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.
But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.
Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Thursday, August 26, 2010
What's in your belly?
Sometimes, Stuart Broad inspires me. It's purely accidental of course, but it happens. This time he has inspired me to spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering what is in each cricketer's belly.
Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.
That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?
Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.
Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.
Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.
Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.
And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.
Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.
Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.
That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?
Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.
Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.
Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.
Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.
And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.
Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
T2D4: Suggestions
Let's make a team of all tail-enders and make the Saffers play against them. Because clearly, they need the practice. Barbie, Swannyg66, Rampaul, Benn, Mahmudullah, Mushfiq...hell let's even put Mohammad Asif in this team! The Saffers will be obligated to play this lot at least twice a year.
It seems that the Saffers are so busy studying the real batsmen, they forget that after all of them come those who in theory should succumb to their bowling like mosquitoes to DDT. And thus, the Saffers have become the team against whom tailenders test their abilities to be 'all-rounders'. Some may also think that they are genuine all-rounders (FYI, Mahmudullah is the real all-rounder amongst those I named) thanks to the Saffa bowlers. Because of all the fancy shit they try against the Rampauls and the Benns, all the batsmen have to do is stick their bat out and it goes for a boundary. It is a mockery! Not to mention a mockery of supposedly the deadliest fast bowling combination in the world right now, Morkel and Steyn.
I say supposedly because this combination has only clicked for two tests. These two have every skill to get rid of the supposedly but their greatness will have to include bowling at the bloody stumps and getting rid of the bloody tail-enders! Rid the world of fake all-rounders, treat them like non-batsmen...because that's exactly what they are! Don't be a disgrace to Donald-Pollock and Pollock-Ntini guys!
My other suggestion is that we should build Mark Boucher a throne, pick up a crown from Burger King and make Tim Paine, Kamran Akmal and Kieswetter dance around him.
It seems that the Saffers are so busy studying the real batsmen, they forget that after all of them come those who in theory should succumb to their bowling like mosquitoes to DDT. And thus, the Saffers have become the team against whom tailenders test their abilities to be 'all-rounders'. Some may also think that they are genuine all-rounders (FYI, Mahmudullah is the real all-rounder amongst those I named) thanks to the Saffa bowlers. Because of all the fancy shit they try against the Rampauls and the Benns, all the batsmen have to do is stick their bat out and it goes for a boundary. It is a mockery! Not to mention a mockery of supposedly the deadliest fast bowling combination in the world right now, Morkel and Steyn.
I say supposedly because this combination has only clicked for two tests. These two have every skill to get rid of the supposedly but their greatness will have to include bowling at the bloody stumps and getting rid of the bloody tail-enders! Rid the world of fake all-rounders, treat them like non-batsmen...because that's exactly what they are! Don't be a disgrace to Donald-Pollock and Pollock-Ntini guys!
My other suggestion is that we should build Mark Boucher a throne, pick up a crown from Burger King and make Tim Paine, Kamran Akmal and Kieswetter dance around him.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
T1D4: Sunday is a day of emotions
It started with Jakes getting mad when his LBW decision stood because no shot was offered and hit an imaginary umpire out of the park with his bat. It didn't stop there. Later on he threw the ball at Sulie Benn's stumps and sang a song to him in his own little way. It was more than we have seen from Jakes throughout his whole career. Methinks he was just feeling the heat on his head as his coverage of keratin have moved closer to the back of his neck. They are on a journey, a great mission to discover whether Jakes has a neck. It would make anybody emotional.
Gayle then hit AB on his ankles and smiled. One would figure that only violence would bring a smile on that man's face. But it wasn't a case of battery. It was more a case of 'your room-mate likes me too much and that makes me uncomfortable'. Unfortunately for Gayle, the threat didn't work and Morne still got his wicket. AB de Villiers was more in pain after that wicket because there are still two more tests to go. Gayle rushed from the crease in case Morne decided to actually give him a hug.
Ashy P, fresh from his fifty and cementing his spot in the test team yet again (I know, I know, he was only ever going to be dropped in my head but the bastard better keep making runs because I have been known to make things in my head come true) did a jig. It got the commentators so excited that they kept on talking about it till the t.v. guys were forced to show the whole jig. I am most certain that the real emotion amongst all this was boredom as West Indies headed to an inevitable loss.
All in all, a highly unusual day. Okay, not really. There was nothing unpredictable about it and this is exactly how the rest of the series will go as well.
Let's just hope Alviro gets five wickets in the same over and Smith bowls more often just to draw some emotions from us.
Gayle then hit AB on his ankles and smiled. One would figure that only violence would bring a smile on that man's face. But it wasn't a case of battery. It was more a case of 'your room-mate likes me too much and that makes me uncomfortable'. Unfortunately for Gayle, the threat didn't work and Morne still got his wicket. AB de Villiers was more in pain after that wicket because there are still two more tests to go. Gayle rushed from the crease in case Morne decided to actually give him a hug.
Ashy P, fresh from his fifty and cementing his spot in the test team yet again (I know, I know, he was only ever going to be dropped in my head but the bastard better keep making runs because I have been known to make things in my head come true) did a jig. It got the commentators so excited that they kept on talking about it till the t.v. guys were forced to show the whole jig. I am most certain that the real emotion amongst all this was boredom as West Indies headed to an inevitable loss.
All in all, a highly unusual day. Okay, not really. There was nothing unpredictable about it and this is exactly how the rest of the series will go as well.
Let's just hope Alviro gets five wickets in the same over and Smith bowls more often just to draw some emotions from us.
T1D3: Finally on the playground
Today there was no footy to follow, well at least there were no interesting games. So today the Saffers were going to actually play.
Only, Morne being the naughty kid dominated the playground in the morning. He didn't want to let anyone else play, specially the West Indies. Sometimes Boucher got to hold the ball for placing himself directly behind the stumps and sometimes Smith got the honour, because the ball just could not escape his fat hands. I am like every parent who refuse to acknowledge their kids as adults. Just replace kid with Buffalo and adult with thin.
Dale, being the jealous little boy that he is, refused to be shoved out of the limelight. He gave up wrestling wild animals in the jungles for this for fuck's sakes! So he forced himself in the game and very nicely forced Chanderpaul to play as well. Mind you, it's one of the rare times any West Indian played.
Morne grimaced. Dwayne Bravo was the casualty of that grimace.
After, Dale had two choices:
a) grab the rest of the wickets with the specific intention of denying Morne his fifer
b) grab the rest of the wickets for fun with the indirect intention of denying Morne his fifer
He went with (b) because he doesn't have enough fifers in the bag. It's really quite frustrating for a bowler of Dale's calibre. He also went with (b) because Morne is lovely shed of red when taunted, makes for a nice Valentines Day cake. But we didn't care, West Indies was the real loser in this catfight.
However, the joke was on us just as we were preparing for a sequel to the catfight and Fatty and Alviro came down the stairs instead of enforcing the follow on. Apparently AB picked Dale up in celebration a few too many times and in return Dale picked up some niggles. Morne was also slapped hard in the ass by the Buffalo at some point, so you can imagine that the boys were in no condition to bowl.
I was pissed and blamed it on Biff, like most of you I am sure. I am a believer of democracy.
West Indies decided not to come to the playground at all.
Only, Morne being the naughty kid dominated the playground in the morning. He didn't want to let anyone else play, specially the West Indies. Sometimes Boucher got to hold the ball for placing himself directly behind the stumps and sometimes Smith got the honour, because the ball just could not escape his fat hands. I am like every parent who refuse to acknowledge their kids as adults. Just replace kid with Buffalo and adult with thin.
Dale, being the jealous little boy that he is, refused to be shoved out of the limelight. He gave up wrestling wild animals in the jungles for this for fuck's sakes! So he forced himself in the game and very nicely forced Chanderpaul to play as well. Mind you, it's one of the rare times any West Indian played.
Morne grimaced. Dwayne Bravo was the casualty of that grimace.
After, Dale had two choices:
a) grab the rest of the wickets with the specific intention of denying Morne his fifer
b) grab the rest of the wickets for fun with the indirect intention of denying Morne his fifer
He went with (b) because he doesn't have enough fifers in the bag. It's really quite frustrating for a bowler of Dale's calibre. He also went with (b) because Morne is lovely shed of red when taunted, makes for a nice Valentines Day cake. But we didn't care, West Indies was the real loser in this catfight.
However, the joke was on us just as we were preparing for a sequel to the catfight and Fatty and Alviro came down the stairs instead of enforcing the follow on. Apparently AB picked Dale up in celebration a few too many times and in return Dale picked up some niggles. Morne was also slapped hard in the ass by the Buffalo at some point, so you can imagine that the boys were in no condition to bowl.
I was pissed and blamed it on Biff, like most of you I am sure. I am a believer of democracy.
West Indies decided not to come to the playground at all.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
WI draw first blood
Saffers got a small total, so small that Botha had to come back after retiring hurt. Then Morkel, who is having a friggin' awesome series and still not winning any man of the match awards murdered the Windies along with one eyed Charl. Charl's devotee, one eyed Botha also did well, even after the assault. Now there's a symbol of hope.
West Indies did nothing to try and reach the small total. SA won the series but they will still play the remaining two matches, just for kicks.
Absolutely nothing else happened in this match. Literally.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
A typical England-SA limited overs game
South Africa fucked up big time in a run chase. It's not the tournament, their chasing skills are on a hiatus.
Kevin Pietersen killed. Rainbow colours make him angry.
Buffalo played a part in KP's dismissal.
The Poms stole the magic potion that gives Saffers their fielding power and shoved the empty bottles down their throats.
Morne got a wicket off a no ball. Morne then proceeded to produce some more no-balls.
Barbie misbehaved with the umpire (I never get tired of this).
A Saffa took a fabulous catch and the commentators couldn't stop talking about him.
A Saffa dropped an easy catch.
Eoin Morgan made the Saffers suffer.
South Africa humuliated themselves and made a few non-bowlers look like bowlers in the process.
A Pom took extra pleasure in calling Buffalo a losing captain twice and Colly the winning captain.
South Africa's fate now partially depends on some other team.
English fans are scared that the team is doing too well and Saffa fans are pissed that their team is on the brink of yet another exit from a ICC tournament.
Kevin Pietersen killed. Rainbow colours make him angry.
Buffalo played a part in KP's dismissal.
The Poms stole the magic potion that gives Saffers their fielding power and shoved the empty bottles down their throats.
Morne got a wicket off a no ball. Morne then proceeded to produce some more no-balls.
Barbie misbehaved with the umpire (I never get tired of this).
A Saffa took a fabulous catch and the commentators couldn't stop talking about him.
A Saffa dropped an easy catch.
Eoin Morgan made the Saffers suffer.
South Africa humuliated themselves and made a few non-bowlers look like bowlers in the process.
A Pom took extra pleasure in calling Buffalo a losing captain twice and Colly the winning captain.
South Africa's fate now partially depends on some other team.
English fans are scared that the team is doing too well and Saffa fans are pissed that their team is on the brink of yet another exit from a ICC tournament.
Friday, May 7, 2010
The good, the bad and the mushy
The good:
-Saffers won comprehensively. Also qualifies under "the shocking".
-Saffers found form, specially AB and Albie. Another "the shocking".
-Morne bowled well in a T20 match (man I should just rename this the shocking!)
-Botha coming out of his mourning period since the loss of his doosra and bending his elbows in new and legal ways to deceive the Sumo himself!
-One eyed Charl.
-Saffers finally figuring out where to use Albie...the 15th over. The melted brains work after all.
-Dan the man showing emotions by shaking his hips mid-air. The dude can also dance, I may just have to clone him.
-The Kiwis still making a match out of it ( I do like them you know)
The bad:
-Albie still bowling.
-Jakes and his wonderful strike rate of just a little above hundred. What happened to the IPL form old man?
-Jakes' hairline receding even further! "Boucherzel, Boucherzel, lend him your hair".
-Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL getting dropped, coming on as a sub AND misfielding! This allowed bastard Buffalo to insult ROFL by calling on Dale, whom ROFL had subbed. Dale was suspiciously tying the strings of his pajamas at that time.
-Ross Taylor being shit.
-Saffers building themselves up to be favourites before the tournament is done again...
The mushy:
-My Hersch replacing Bosman.
-My Hersch hitting fours.
-My Hersch hitting sixes.
-My Hersch taking stunning catches.
-My Hersch ensuring his place in the side for the rest of the games.
-My Hersch fielding like a fucking genius.
-My Hersch inspiring this awesome post over at Cricbuzz.
Dear God, I know I am not your favourite child but PLEASE make sure Gibbsy retains this form and plays till I am dead.
Thank you.
-Saffers won comprehensively. Also qualifies under "the shocking".
-Saffers found form, specially AB and Albie. Another "the shocking".
-Morne bowled well in a T20 match (man I should just rename this the shocking!)
-Botha coming out of his mourning period since the loss of his doosra and bending his elbows in new and legal ways to deceive the Sumo himself!
-One eyed Charl.
-Saffers finally figuring out where to use Albie...the 15th over. The melted brains work after all.
-Dan the man showing emotions by shaking his hips mid-air. The dude can also dance, I may just have to clone him.
-The Kiwis still making a match out of it ( I do like them you know)
The bad:
-Albie still bowling.
-Jakes and his wonderful strike rate of just a little above hundred. What happened to the IPL form old man?
-Jakes' hairline receding even further! "Boucherzel, Boucherzel, lend him your hair".
-Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL getting dropped, coming on as a sub AND misfielding! This allowed bastard Buffalo to insult ROFL by calling on Dale, whom ROFL had subbed. Dale was suspiciously tying the strings of his pajamas at that time.
-Ross Taylor being shit.
-Saffers building themselves up to be favourites before the tournament is done again...
The mushy:
-My Hersch replacing Bosman.
-My Hersch hitting fours.
-My Hersch hitting sixes.
-My Hersch taking stunning catches.
-My Hersch ensuring his place in the side for the rest of the games.
-My Hersch fielding like a fucking genius.
-My Hersch inspiring this awesome post over at Cricbuzz.
Dear God, I know I am not your favourite child but PLEASE make sure Gibbsy retains this form and plays till I am dead.
Thank you.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Let the losing begin
Alright, lost against India, won against Afghanistan. So far, exactly how I had predicted. Good, good. Although if you thought that was a good performance from the Saffers, look again. They lost a lot of wickets. Of course, credit should be given to the Afghans because Hamid Hassan is a fucking awesome bowler and Nabi, well Nabi can bowl a doosra!
The bowling was amazing, but let's not get carried away. Afghanistan's batting isn't really all that great. Short means out. Every single time.And Morne bowls short. Every single time. Think the sumo won't send those balls to South Africa? Think again.
Also, spare a thought for the other Morkel. His balls are sent to the heavens even when he is bowling against Afghanistan. I hope Albie's child has officially abandoned all hopes of becoming an all-rounder. Especially if he is about to get bowling lessons from his dad. Won't matter anyway. Ever generation of batsmen will be taught that the Albie man can bat sometimes, but can't bowl for shit. Hit him and his decendants into oblivion.
The Saffers did kill today but still managed to embarrass themselves in the process. They lost wickets regularly, they had a fabulous start and then allowed the tail to make runs. It's their tradition and they are very big on tradition, them Saffa boys.
Next they meet the Kiwis, Pakistan and England. I'm assuming they will uphold the tradition. Problem is, these teams are not Afghanistan, although Laden probably has family living in two of those countries. They are either good at T20 or have beaten the Saffers in limited overs cricket pretty solidly before. Unless the Saffers have figured out how to play Afridi and Ajmal (which is not bound to happen till my great-grand children are on this earth) or how to contain Eoin Morgan (yeah right!), be prepared for a Saffa exit.
Okay fine, I won't be so negative. The Saffers will go through to the semis and lift the cup amidst fireworks and that dramatic song they play in the beginning of all the matches! Then I will fall in love with the Buffalo and we will produce lots of babies who will all captain South Africa, one by one.
Oh, and Laden will dance at our wedding.
The bowling was amazing, but let's not get carried away. Afghanistan's batting isn't really all that great. Short means out. Every single time.And Morne bowls short. Every single time. Think the sumo won't send those balls to South Africa? Think again.
Also, spare a thought for the other Morkel. His balls are sent to the heavens even when he is bowling against Afghanistan. I hope Albie's child has officially abandoned all hopes of becoming an all-rounder. Especially if he is about to get bowling lessons from his dad. Won't matter anyway. Ever generation of batsmen will be taught that the Albie man can bat sometimes, but can't bowl for shit. Hit him and his decendants into oblivion.
The Saffers did kill today but still managed to embarrass themselves in the process. They lost wickets regularly, they had a fabulous start and then allowed the tail to make runs. It's their tradition and they are very big on tradition, them Saffa boys.
Next they meet the Kiwis, Pakistan and England. I'm assuming they will uphold the tradition. Problem is, these teams are not Afghanistan, although Laden probably has family living in two of those countries. They are either good at T20 or have beaten the Saffers in limited overs cricket pretty solidly before. Unless the Saffers have figured out how to play Afridi and Ajmal (which is not bound to happen till my great-grand children are on this earth) or how to contain Eoin Morgan (yeah right!), be prepared for a Saffa exit.
Okay fine, I won't be so negative. The Saffers will go through to the semis and lift the cup amidst fireworks and that dramatic song they play in the beginning of all the matches! Then I will fall in love with the Buffalo and we will produce lots of babies who will all captain South Africa, one by one.
Oh, and Laden will dance at our wedding.
Guidline to a killer instinct
Specially for the Saffers, who are being epic dickheads.
-In the event that an ecounter is futile, as in striking the victim a number of times will not ensure that the victim isn't alive and kicking, bash victim repeatedly. Even if victim is alive afterwards, at least one will have caused some injury.
-Complete destruction of weak victims are neither appealing nor heroic, if followed or preceded by an embarrassing failure.
-One must not look like one does not want to kill the victim, the victim can smell it.
-Niceness is for retards, one must get over it.
-Always strategise for a murder, anything else is punishable by death.
-If strategy is anything other than murder, due to some irreversible brain malfunction, putting it on display for the whole world to see may cause several upset stomachs and basically lead to an upsurge of vomit levels in the world. Please refrain from making such pathetic display.
-When planning annihilation (which should be always), picking Morne is a mistake. He likes to hand out candies to victims in certain formats.
-When planning annihilation (which should be always), leaving Rusty basically means one likes rotten eggs on one's face, hair and mouth.
-Asking the rookie to kill Suresh Raina is...a rookie mistake.
-If one lacks killer instincts, one is to be tied upside down to a tree and dried under the sun until one's brain receives all the blood required to make one's brain function normally. One will only be forgiven if one decides to take the reverse path in this ICC tournament i.e. losing now so one can win later. Like in the semis.
One had better reach the semis.
-In the event that an ecounter is futile, as in striking the victim a number of times will not ensure that the victim isn't alive and kicking, bash victim repeatedly. Even if victim is alive afterwards, at least one will have caused some injury.
-Complete destruction of weak victims are neither appealing nor heroic, if followed or preceded by an embarrassing failure.
-One must not look like one does not want to kill the victim, the victim can smell it.
-Niceness is for retards, one must get over it.
-Always strategise for a murder, anything else is punishable by death.
-If strategy is anything other than murder, due to some irreversible brain malfunction, putting it on display for the whole world to see may cause several upset stomachs and basically lead to an upsurge of vomit levels in the world. Please refrain from making such pathetic display.
-When planning annihilation (which should be always), picking Morne is a mistake. He likes to hand out candies to victims in certain formats.
-When planning annihilation (which should be always), leaving Rusty basically means one likes rotten eggs on one's face, hair and mouth.
-Asking the rookie to kill Suresh Raina is...a rookie mistake.
-If one lacks killer instincts, one is to be tied upside down to a tree and dried under the sun until one's brain receives all the blood required to make one's brain function normally. One will only be forgiven if one decides to take the reverse path in this ICC tournament i.e. losing now so one can win later. Like in the semis.
One had better reach the semis.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Sabotage deux
Since it's time for allegations again, I have one of my own. There is obviously an Indian connection, because no accusation is complete without a trail back to the subcontinent. Only in cricket though. For the rest of the world, no accusation is complete without a connection to the Middle East. But with Afghanistan making a mark, this may also be true in the world of cricket soon.
This is not a match fixing allegation but one of sabotage. The accused is Praveen Kumar and at the receiving end we have his beloved RCB team-mate and South Africa's only hope in the upcoming T20 World Cup, Jacques Kallis. The chosen method of sabotage was arm-wrestling, which was clearly meant to be a friendly match. But here's a picture of Praveen realizing in the middle that this is his chance to make sure that Jacques Kallis does not play when South Africa meets India in the group stages. Thus, he attempts to break Kallis' hand:
This is not a match fixing allegation but one of sabotage. The accused is Praveen Kumar and at the receiving end we have his beloved RCB team-mate and South Africa's only hope in the upcoming T20 World Cup, Jacques Kallis. The chosen method of sabotage was arm-wrestling, which was clearly meant to be a friendly match. But here's a picture of Praveen realizing in the middle that this is his chance to make sure that Jacques Kallis does not play when South Africa meets India in the group stages. Thus, he attempts to break Kallis' hand:
Picture courtesy of Prafs
Judging from Jakes' current form the plan may or may not have worked. But he is clearly in pain and one more attempt may put him out for a few weeks. And there may be more as Jakes is there for another 2 weeks or so. Realizing the gravity of the situation, my alien soon-to-be-adopted son (we have reconciled and are trying to be a family again), ROFL have volunteered to donate his arm to Jakes, in case Praveen succeeds.
That's right, team-mates for life! Oh and Praveen, even though he plays for Rajasthan, Morne wanted you to know that he is not amused.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Morne's growth as a bowler
Morne's growth as a bowler is so under the radar that we have not been able to detect it. In fact, you have to have a certain level of faith in him to see that he has grown. And I know many of you don't because he is Albie's brother and look what Albie did to your faith. Instead of pounding it out of the ground he stomped all over it, on his way to yet another miserable single. Pitiful I tell you.
Right, so back to Morne. He might have been beyond brilliant against England at home, but to prove his growth, he will have to be beyond brilliant overseas as well. Then only will he be considered a versatile bowler and hence a dangerous one. But this is something he has yet to do.
Or so you thought.
To prove Morne's case, I present to you a photo, one that has been uploaded in this blog before. However, a repeat publication is necessary because the significance of the picture that will come after, is lost if this one is not seen first. So here it is:
Once again, as I did before with this photo, I will draw your attention to Morne's t-shirt. It's a racoon on a bike unless I am mistaken. Very gutsy, very in your face. All necessary qualities for a fast bowler. We now move on to the second picture:
Morne is wearing the same t-shirt but this time it is black and the racoon on the bike is red.
Thus we have versatility.
And I rest my case.
Right, so back to Morne. He might have been beyond brilliant against England at home, but to prove his growth, he will have to be beyond brilliant overseas as well. Then only will he be considered a versatile bowler and hence a dangerous one. But this is something he has yet to do.
Or so you thought.
To prove Morne's case, I present to you a photo, one that has been uploaded in this blog before. However, a repeat publication is necessary because the significance of the picture that will come after, is lost if this one is not seen first. So here it is:
Once again, as I did before with this photo, I will draw your attention to Morne's t-shirt. It's a racoon on a bike unless I am mistaken. Very gutsy, very in your face. All necessary qualities for a fast bowler. We now move on to the second picture:
Morne is wearing the same t-shirt but this time it is black and the racoon on the bike is red.
Thus we have versatility.
And I rest my case.
Friday, April 2, 2010
AB is a swinger
I think I have tracked down AB's girlfriend. Not that it was the goal of my life...except it kind of was. Because I am getting sick of the IPL. Oh my god I said something bad about the IPL! You'll probably find my body in a ditch soon. So before that happens, let me share these pictures with you.
Oh yes, please pick out AB's girlfriend and let me know. I have no idea!
Oh yes, please pick out AB's girlfriend and let me know. I have no idea!
That t-shirt is surreal
I don't even want to know what she is saying
Interesting...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Business minded
Since none of you have kindly pointed it out, I will say it myself.
I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.
I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.
I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.
I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.
But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.
I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.
I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.
I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.
I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.
But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.
Monday, February 22, 2010
First ODI
It's too late to do a post on the test now. Amla was more than great, Morne and Parny did their best, Ashy P played a stupid shot that opened the door for India and the Saffers should have drawn this one and taken the series. That's all you need to know really.
Strangely, the same shit has happened in the first ODI. South Africa has become a one man team; the rest are all in hibernation or handy tail-enders that can only take them close, but not win the match. However, I will look at the positives because everybody needs a change of direction at one point...specially South Africa.
1) Three run outs: I am not suprised. This is what happens when my Herschelle is on the field. How else do you explain the difference between Saffa fielding in the second test and today's ODI?
2) Dale Steyn's batting: Everytime I willed a six, he did it. Meaning, the positive is really my ability to control Dale's mind but we will let him think it was the dog.
3) Parny's batting: We will ignore the fact that he got run out in a painful fashion off the last ball of the game, reopening some very badly stitched wounds from a certain game about eleven years ago. Why? Because Parnell didn't bat at number 10 and he didn't forget to run...he hesitated. Feck!
4) My Herschelle's batting: Okay, it wasn't that great. But the six and the fours were very good previews of what is to come if he plays some more. Plus, he seems to have lost more weight and is looking very much like the Hersch of 2005. Sometimes, appearances mean everything.
5) No Biff: Very pleasant on the eyes.
6) Albie is back: and still petrifyingly ordinary at bowling. It's a positive because maybe someone will finally smack him in the face and tell him to focus on his batting.
7) They didn't choke: I thought about this one long and hard and I have come to the conclusion that they didn't. Parny and Steynkie looked very much like they were going to win this for the Saffers. It really took a very well directed slow ball from Kumar to end Steyn's onslaught. Even after, Charl and Parny looked relaxed. Something about their body language says 'fighter' not 'worried...cough, cough..gag'. The good news is Parny is the new generation and brave. So as long as 'choking' is not a required course in the South African cricket schools, we are good.
8) Charl's short ball: It seems to surprise the batsman everytime. I bet he could bowl six in a row and give the batsman six heart attacks. It's really quite strange. Something tells me the ball wears a 'I'm not a short ball' tag in the front and a 'You are a fool' tag at the back. Quite tricky to spot in a round ball.
And they still managed to lose...
Strangely, the same shit has happened in the first ODI. South Africa has become a one man team; the rest are all in hibernation or handy tail-enders that can only take them close, but not win the match. However, I will look at the positives because everybody needs a change of direction at one point...specially South Africa.
1) Three run outs: I am not suprised. This is what happens when my Herschelle is on the field. How else do you explain the difference between Saffa fielding in the second test and today's ODI?
2) Dale Steyn's batting: Everytime I willed a six, he did it. Meaning, the positive is really my ability to control Dale's mind but we will let him think it was the dog.
3) Parny's batting: We will ignore the fact that he got run out in a painful fashion off the last ball of the game, reopening some very badly stitched wounds from a certain game about eleven years ago. Why? Because Parnell didn't bat at number 10 and he didn't forget to run...he hesitated. Feck!
4) My Herschelle's batting: Okay, it wasn't that great. But the six and the fours were very good previews of what is to come if he plays some more. Plus, he seems to have lost more weight and is looking very much like the Hersch of 2005. Sometimes, appearances mean everything.
5) No Biff: Very pleasant on the eyes.
6) Albie is back: and still petrifyingly ordinary at bowling. It's a positive because maybe someone will finally smack him in the face and tell him to focus on his batting.
7) They didn't choke: I thought about this one long and hard and I have come to the conclusion that they didn't. Parny and Steynkie looked very much like they were going to win this for the Saffers. It really took a very well directed slow ball from Kumar to end Steyn's onslaught. Even after, Charl and Parny looked relaxed. Something about their body language says 'fighter' not 'worried...cough, cough..gag'. The good news is Parny is the new generation and brave. So as long as 'choking' is not a required course in the South African cricket schools, we are good.
8) Charl's short ball: It seems to surprise the batsman everytime. I bet he could bowl six in a row and give the batsman six heart attacks. It's really quite strange. Something tells me the ball wears a 'I'm not a short ball' tag in the front and a 'You are a fool' tag at the back. Quite tricky to spot in a round ball.
And they still managed to lose...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tempting Allan
Dear Allan,
How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.
But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .
I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.
Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?
Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.
JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.
Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?
Stay Allan. I beg you.
How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.
But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .
I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.
Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?
Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.
JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.
Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?
Stay Allan. I beg you.
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