West Indies Losers XI

I think it's time to infest West Indies with players who are not West Indian. Why? Do you even need to ask that question?

The real question is, where should we import these players from? I say we get perennial losers from any cricket playing country and make them Honourary West Indian citizens like Herschelle Gibbs and Michael Hayden. Then make them play for the team. I can garauntee you that this lot will win more games than the current bunch.

So without further ado, I give you the West Indies Losers XI:

1) Darren Sammy: He's not really a loser. In fact, with that face and that fearless attitude, he is always a winner in my books, but he is also a good leader of losers as proven by his current efforts. Sammy is really the only West Indian trying to win any matches for his stupid maroon team.

2) Dwayne Bravo: See above.

3) Nathan Bracken: Poor guy is a loser by association, with Cricket Australia that is. Any other team in the world would have ignored his Keira Knightley look and put the bugger in their test team. But not Cricket Australia. They would rather keep him hanging till he fades away. They would also rather pay for Brett Lee's numerous injuries. Brave Nathan continues to look for new opportunities and then the doctors tell him he needs another operation on his knee! Loser's luck indeed.

4) Imran Nazir: What high hopes one had for this lovely opener, although the same can be said for most Pakistani cricketers. Regardless, Imran had the agression, the cover drive and the fielding to be a regular in the team. But then he played  a couple of tests...and now he is just a 28 years old with a double chin who is only called for the national side as an afterthought.

5) Monty Panesar: In order to feel bad for Monty, I need to make space in my heart by getting out my real feelings for him...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I find his situation wonderfully funny. Yet another promising English bowler replaced the minute he hits bad form. He too is 28 with a double chin, but these days with Swann (UGH!) and numerous other young spinners in the horizon, poor ol' Monty isn't even an afterthought. Again, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

6) Dinesh Karthik: Who likes Dinesh Karthik? Do you like Dinesh Karthik? Do I like Dinesh Karthik? Does Dinesh Karthik's mother like Dinesh Karthik? See, I've mentioned his name one too many times and your face is already taking a disapproving shape. He is everywhere: keeping, a batting, fielding, captaining, preventing Sachin from getting a century...but it gets him nowhere. He's just one of those losers that we know is in his rightful place and refuse to let him leave LoserVille. May his lifetime membership continue, in maroon, doing a little bit of everything with the Windies.

7) Ireland: Pick any player, they have all been forced to live in LoserVille, sadly. They do not belong there at all and I for one would like to see them storm the ICC headquarters, confiscate all their adult diapers and threaten to shred them into pieces unless they receive a test status.

8) Martin Guptill: Why the fuck this person got any sort of nomination and recognition is beyond me. He has played in 30 ODI's and has a stunning average of 36.46. He's scored 948 runs so far...122 of them came in the SAME GAME. We will pardon him for his equally woeful test average because he's played in only 11 of them but what's all the hype about? Till I see it Martin darling, you are a loser.

9) Lance Klusener: How this breaks my heart! How it kills me! I feel like dolling up and doing a full Elizabeth Taylor-esque tragic scene when I hear his name. He got shafted by a BUFFALO! Sure, he was in crap form during that period but he was dropped because the young captain, who hadn't even secured a spot in the team, thought Zulu was disruptive and a bad influence. He never returned. He is a loser purely because of circumstances.

10) Mohammad Ashraful: Please don't ask and please don't defend him. If you would like to defend him, your team can have him.

11) Shane Watson: Because no losers team is complete without him.

Dear Santa, from the Indians

Dear Santa,

Everybody is mad at me because I didn't let Uncle score a century. But Uncle told me, why worry? I have enough. This I gift to you. So I took it and hit a six. But no one knows and Uncle is too tired from all those years of carrying India on his shoulders to make a statement. Can you please dress up as Uncle and make a public statement? You already have the curly hair. Just dye it black and shave the beard for a day. Okay? Okay. Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

When I was a young boy, I was thin. Now I am still a young boy but I am fat. It's all those hugs from Preity Zinta. She squeezes my sides so hard that all my fat come and accumulate in the lower middle gut. I have told her to stop but she won't listen. Now my fingers have fat in them and it is too much work to carry the bat. What I want for Christmas is the Mongoose bat so that it's easier to carry and my sausage fingers don't have to do too much work. Thank you!


Dear Santa,

Since I am already brilliant as a spinner and a pinch-hitter, all I want for Christmas is a red turban. That is all. I have everything else you see, including a life-long spot in the starting XI. Merry Christmas!

My Favourite Moment

An Indian 12th man and a rejected Pom once met on a cricket pitch. It went like this:

Indian Man (IM): You can do this Dinesh. It's as simple as carrying drinks. Just pretend you need to serve drinks to the wicket-keeper and the umpire alternatively. It's simple.

Pom (P): I haven't had my tea yet. I can't afford tea anymore because I was dropped from the squad, despite scoring brilliantly. I am a brilliant batsman and I get sidelined for a Hobbit and a Mascara boy.

IM: Wicket-keeper looks thirsty. I need to give him some water. I am the Chosen one, the official drinks carrier. I cannot let him die on my watch. If he doesn't get water now he will collapse. I must save him. Owhy just hit the ball, wait..is he coming this way? But my drinks tray is not ready yet! No you shit Pom, stay there!

P: See, I hit balls then I run. I am very good at running. I can run all day. Mascara boy can't even see because of all the makeup in his eyes. Must recommend Revlon to him. Wait, why isn't that bastard running? Did he somehow here my thoughts on Revlon?

Captain Cobra scoops up the ball and throws it to the wicket-keeper. Wicket-keeper takes the longest time to catch it, looks at the batsmen and then removes the bails.

IM: Good, I needed to go back to the pavilion to refill my bottles anyway. Tata darlings!

P: He did hear my thoughts! Now he is going to tell the ECB, who are never going to take me in the team again because everybody knows that they prefer Rimmel. Must kill drinks carrier. What is this? Is this game not over yet? But I haven't had my tea!

Unfortunately for Owhy, Modi is too busy canoodling his groupies to declare the end of the game. It is indeed a sad, sad day when three blonds and one brunette come in the way of one man's tea sipping.

I think, therefore I am

I've been thinking about this World XI teams as chosen by the ICC. I can understand why someone would be chosen as a captain, opener or pace bowler for these teams...but what is the criteria to be the 12th man?

-The fastest drink/towel carrier?
-The one who can keep the benches most warm for the playing XI?
-The one who is best in Chinese Whisper, i.e. relaying messages from the coach word-to-word?

If these are the criteria why did Harbajan and Thushara get it? Surely there are better 12th men than them!

1. Makhaya Ntini: Doesn't the pic say it all? He even keeps the crowd entertained. That gets him extra points.



2. Dinesh Karthik: He even enjoys the drinks carrying. How can you give it to somebody else when we have a man who is so passionate about his job that he doesn't want to stop...till he slides into Ganguly in a team huddle?

Emotional blackmail...do it for his Mom!

3. Glenn McGrath: Don't discriminate against the retired! He did some lovely work for the Delhi Daredevils. I'll even put up a nice picture of him warming the World Cup to strengthen his case.


4. Bilal Shafayat: The poor guy hasn't even received an English hat yet, and they have already started using him to execute their dirty tricks. I know you are wondering where you have heard that name before. Ashes, 1st test. The one who pissed Punter off by wasting time on the field? We'd forgotten him completely. Isn't that the job of a 12th man? To be remembered only when he is on the field. He's so perfect for the position.

If only there wasn't a law against physical abuse...