Injustice magnified

1) Environmental Injustice: Yuvraj Singh dancing i.e. moving his hands, legs, head, fingers, belly all at the same time (a rare occurence), to aggravate those who live in the centre of the earth. And we wonder why there are so many earthquakes these days.

2) Artistic Injustice: Allowing Durby to enter a cricket field where people make history is bad enough. Allowing him to be on a stage (any stage) where artists create magic is not far behind. Especially if Shahrukh Khan and him are re-enacting some sort of a mating dance by bulls.

3) Vertical Injustic: Making other people feel bad about not being as tall as Ishtant Sharma. Guys, if you have seen him bowl, you will know that he is short in places where it matters.

4) National Injustice: Adam Gilchrist and Shahrukh Khan grinding. Both wearing belly dancer's belts. Australians and Indians watching in horror as the two nations come closer than they would have liked.

Seriously?

Those of you who watched Gilly and Gibbs bat will be saying the same thing.

Seriously?

There was once a 80 something year old woman crossing the street with groceries, shuffling quickly so she could reach the other end  before the sign changed. She moved faster than Deccan's scoreboard in the whole match.

Seriously.

Ideally, these two players would not have played in the semis. But they did because Gilly is the captain and you can't drop the captain for bad form (But honestly, you should be allowed to in important matches!) and Gibbsy got a game purely because of his big-match kaboom reputation. It was a stinky, big-match kapoop performance.

Chennai bowled exceptionally well, but Deccan batted like cripples who have been further hindered by the neighbour's dogs latching onto their backside. Behind every unsuccessful Deccan batsman, there is a giant fucking labrador.

Seriously.

Now, Chennai are in the finals facing Mumbai and I am miserable. I dislike both teams and want neither to win. But if I HAD to pick (because of the same ass-grabbing labradors), I would go for Chennai. It was simply a case of who I hate more, Durby or teams that dress like Australians. Turns out Durby takes the cake. A big one. Smack on his face.

Unfortunately, I am cursed so this means Mumbai will win and I will frown ever so slightly because really, the best part of this IPL final is the fact that the T20 WC starts in seven days. IPL is O-V-E-R.

Seriously.

Deccan in the semis!

I am beyond ecstatic. Obviously, when they lost 5 in a row I was the first one to give up on them. But what you don't know is that this is my strategy. I am not even lying. It has been proven time and time again that the teams I support lose: Deccan, Trinidad and Tobago, Bangladesh, South Africa, Real Madrid...

So I changed teams. I openly announced my support for RCB in the Deccan vs RCB game and sure enough the Bangalore boys went splat all over the place, like a fat woman had sat on them. No, I didn't sit on them. I am not fat...sometimes.
I knew Deccan would pull through, because of the lovely Gilly. Gilchrist is my favourite Aussie. I think most people will agree with me. He didn't score big a single time, yet managed to drag his full, raw team into the semis. The very happy smile on his face and his natural,calm composure was very good to see. My general philosophy about Gilly is that he should always be happy. Just because he is an Aussie and the world doesn't hate him.

Deccan has done it all this IPL. Loss, win, disgusting loss, crushing win, vomit-worthy drops, eyebrows raising catches etc. etc. I do feel though that they deserve to be in the semis, simply because of the way they have clawed their way back. They went from being neighbours with the perennial losers (KKR) to sitting prettily next to the table toppers (MI). If that is not an inspiring comeback I don't know what is. And much of this is Gilly's doing. Today, Vaas put that extra special touch to it with his tremendou final over. Every fucking ball was so beautiful I choked up and briefly said hello to my emotions. See, sometimes it pays off to be associated with Saffers and choke!

But of course M-O-M went to Deccan's Knight in Shining Armour, Herschelle Gibbs. Although he got out to a stupid shot and was one of the Colly life-savers, my Hersch played the knock that pushed Deccan to at least a defendable total.

Before you say it, I know it was Roy. I just pretend not to see beyond any bald heads, so I can claim them to be any bald person I want them to be. Invariably, I always claim them to be Herschelle Gibbs. I wonder why!

Deccan playing for a loss

Operation: Game against Rajasthan

General wish/want/endeavour: Win the game

Possible problems:
Shane Warne, Gilly's 'best mate'
Graeme Smith, not playing but still Hersch's 'close' friend
Shaun Tait's yorkers
Harsh Umpires

Things going Deccan's way (estimated) :
a) One wrong umpire decision
b) Nothing

Things Deccan can do to make it easier for Rajasthan: Run Andrew Symonds out, right after Herschelle goes.

Things Deccan can do to come out of this mess:
a) Call upon the Chaminda Vaas batting ghost of yesterday (if he even exists)
b) Stop getting run out
c) Ensure that Hersch gets 5 direct, successful hits
d) Call Shaun Tait fat thereby distracting him (The horrendous Rajasthan uniform makes him look curvy)
e) Get wickets
f) Let Kemar Roach play

Some last inspiring Hollywoodesque words during the strategic time-out: If you lose, they win. If you win, they lose. Work it out, it's not complicated.

Post match thoughts: Hersch decided to drop a catch instead. It hurt like a bitch.

Of numbers

Yesterday, in the wild caves of SCG Twatto went bollocks and scored a breezy 69. I can now digress completely from the cricket and make very obvious jokes about that being the total number of positions in Twatto's favourite game- stylish ways of racing to the change room when you are about to make a hundred.

But I am not. I am instead going to draw your attention to what Twatto did when he realized that someone else in the waters of Mirpur had the exact opposite numbers. Mahmudullah was on 96 against the Indians in Bangladesh and had just dragged his team from another artistic 106/6 to 233/9.

I must tell you that Twatson's radar is like a minx, always turned on but seriously up and running at the mere hint of the 90's. He also listens to the Backstreet Boys. Don't ask me how I know that. I just do and I now I must bathe in holy water. If it will take me.

Anyway, so obviously Twatto's radar twitched and let him know that a young Bangladeshi promising all-rounder was about to make his maiden century, and he wasn't even nervous, or standing wide eyed at the crease as if he had just finished counting the number of hair on Ricky Ponting's hands. Worse, the 23 year old Deshi was playing a test.

"Fuck no"! Said Twatto. "Get him out. C'mon my Indian brothers. I will elbow you know more".

It didn't work, because nobody likes Shane Watson. He is neither Hayden or Gilchrist. And they are already suffering from massive strokes having welcomed those two in their bosoms.

So Twatto signalled another to hater, Durbhajan Singh.

Durby entered, Durby bowled and Durby got the other batsman out. Yes, evidently Twatto is smart enough to realize that there was another batsman on the pitch with Mahmudullah. Maybe he has enrolled himself in the Simon Katich school of fucking Twatto look at the other end.

And so Mahmudullah was left stranged on 96. Just because Twatto go out on 69. India were also inspired by Twatto and finished the day on 69/0.

You would think those are the only numbers in the world.

Kallis vs Ponting

I do love good news on the very first day of the year. It's even better when it's bound to piss more than a few people off. The news is that in the last ten years, Jakes has a higher test average than Ponting. The difference is marginal (Jakes: 58.70, Ricky: 58.38) and Jakes actually has about 800 runs less than Ricky. Regardless, I could spend my whole day picturing Jakes detractors banging their head against the wall. Because you know, Jakes' specialty lies in occupying the crease for eternity, rather than scoring runs. Yet the bastard managed to top the averages. *bang bang bang bang bang*

So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.

Category: Style
Evidence:

Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.

Category: Character
Evidence:

Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.

Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.

Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.

Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.

The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.

I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.

Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.