Why should I fucking run mate?

There was a wonderful incident at the game yesterday. KP had become temporarily Saffa, taking a stunning catch (Yes, I am claiming that as a result of his Saffa genes. The English don't turn 360 degrees in mid-air like that) and of course molesting Jakes like no tomorrow. But KP was actually over-excited yesterday. He was involved in most field changes, moving around like he was on battery. So, when he came out at number three (after his lover Jakes had failed), and started thwarting the bowlers around people were sort of expecting it. At this point he may have been feeling like a Saffer or English. We never know when he takes on what identity. And the fact that the Poms call him a Saffa the minute he starts sucking doesn't help our dilemma either.

Anyway, the already confused lad, now has to assume a third identity. That of a RCBian (Evidently, that's the official term. Don't ask!). And there is no shortage of criticism there for him either. He fucked up one game and they dropped him and called him a useless git. I happily listened to them, I am not very fond of KP. But if you really think about it, he didn't deserve it. Just like Kallis didn't deserve those harsh words from Kumble. But that's another post where I fry Kumble for thinking Kallis is going to fucking babysit the team that think Cameron White is more valuable than Mark Boucher.

Back to the incident. It was very English, or rather Saffa-English as Michael Lumb had demonstrated earlier in the match. Both of them charged down the pitch like bulls with thyroid problems and refused to acknowledge the fact that their partners had signalled 'no'. KP has done this before, so we were not surprised. But we were delighted about was the fact that once given out, KP turned around to say "Fucking run mate" and then "Fuck man" to his team-mate Kohli, while lovely pig Shane Warne stood by laughing at them.

We loved it. As did we love the strong arm that KP put around Kohli afterwards, pretending to show him some love but actually strangling him so he smiled for the camera. It was comedy all around. Including Dravid trying to console KP right after. And we all know Dravid had to frequently run with Saurav Ganguly. That couldn't have been fun.

What this incident is going to lead to is something that I'm sure the IPL has brought up before: the question of whether IPL teams can actually evoke the same sentimentality and pride that cricketers feel when representing their national teams, enough for them to overcome the fact that their team-mates are actually their competitors  the rest of the 10 months (unless some of them play county as well). Could Kohli really have cared enough to sacrifice himself for the man that was clearly much more settled than he was, seeing as the man was not a fellow Indian cricketer? Should Kohli have cared? The obvious answer is yes. They are a fucking team and they get paid gazillions of dollars (and free alcohol when you are a RCBian) to be a team. But it does not necessarily mean that the players are emotionally that much charged up to give their everything. Kohli might have ran down the pitch for say, M.S or Yuvraj, but for KP...not so much. And you can't really blame him. This is the guy he is going to fight in another slogfest in about two weeks.

At this point, we obviously have the age-old argument of how a sportsman should always uphold team spirit no matter what team they are representing. To which I say, bull fucking shit. This is not football, where your club team comes first. In cricket the national team is and will always be top priority. Meaning subconsciously, KP will always be Kohli's opposition and KP will probably not think twice before swearing at him, like he would have even if Owais Shah had been at the other end.

Plus, poor KP is already lost. Don't burden him with any more issues of identity crisis. But know this: whether he is Saffa, English or RCBian, he will always run himself out like an idiot at some point. It's called KP cricket. Get used to it.

Shahadat hurts Dravid

I am a vicious woman, as you all no doubt know by now. So I took a lot of pleasure in learning that an Indian batsman had to retire hurt because he was bludgeoned by a Bangladeshi fast bowler. I jumped up and down and tried to remember the last time a Bangladeshi quickie had acheived this feat. I have come to the conclusion that this is the first time. Unless it happened before I was born.

I eagerly sat down to watch the highlights and almost sweated in ancitipation. Was it a 160mph shocker from someone? Who was it? Where did it hit the batsman? Was their blood?

To my utter dismay, the ball was a miserable 128 and came from the man with strange brains, Shahadat Hossain. Dravid thought it would bounce some more and thus ducked too much. Consequently the ball hit him under his ear.

No blood.
No broken jaws.
Just a tired Dravid wanting to go back to the change room under any pretences. Who knows if the Deshis will even pick up his wicket any time soon? He needs a rest and a nice massage if possible.
Yawn.

I thought Shahadat Hossain had guts when I saw him bowl in the first test. But if you can't even fucking hurt a batsman intentionally, what's the point of having guts? Hang them up you loser! And go take some lessons from Kemar Roach!

I don't understand why my BD boys are so nice. Maybe they are trying really hard to balance me out...

Ordinary Bangladesh

The Bangladeshi cricket team in Virender Sehwag's dictionary comes under 'O'. There's a picture of some Bangladeshi batsman getting out to yet another short ball. Probably Ashraful. The definition says,

Ordinary: The Bangladeshi cricket team, Viru. Score your triple hundred.

With these words in his heart, Virender Sehwag went out to bat. Brisk fifty. No time to waste. Must make the triple century this tour.

Bangladesh gave away 63 runs in the first 13 overs. Then they went to lunch and found their own dictionary lying around. It read,

Ordinary: What you put in the opposition's food during lunch. Warning: May have laxative-like effects. Batsmen may run back to the change room frequently.

That, I have to tell you was the correct definition. At least for yesterday. Here's some more:

Shahadat Hossain: Full-tosser no more.

Middle Stump: What Rahul Dravid lost to Shahadat. Very violently.

Mushfiq-ur-Rahim: The tiny thing that VVS failed to notice.

Session Two: Where Bangladesh were 'Ordinary' as per the Bangladeshi dictionary.

Bangladesh: In your face...BITCH.

Declare

Dravid got his century and Tendulkar is out. They have 464 runs on the board.

Now can India declare? Or are they waiting for Modi's orders?

In comes VVS Laxman.

*switches t.v. off*

Some time later...

527/4.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Wake up! Dan has started batting again!

*dances around in joy*

Umar Gul better sleep with one eye open tonight...NZ is but a mere 18 hours away...

Good day

Really good day actually. Both my teams won. Yes, I do know that Hersch didn't play. But that's only because he can't be bothered wasting his time and energy against silly teams like Victoria. They give games to red-headed monstrosities like McDonald. Hersch cannot be exposed to such harmful radiation. So he's resting, for the bigger games.

The highlights inform me that Victoria was 0 for 2 by the third ball. I really enjoyed Zondeki's second wicket. Specially when the commentators made some joke about Hodge being non-Australian for walking. Insult to injury. Just the way I like it.

In case you are wondering what the suspicious looking bag in the stadium was, it was Sybrand's ride. I have decided that he is the world's first intelligent zombie. Hence his face is devoid of blood and he lives in a bag. He was going to enter in his Hindenburg reincarnation but he needed the extra nap time to sniff them Bushrangers out in the field and maul them. So he came in his house.

I see you...

I'm just sad I didn't get to see him bowl. The highlights I have showed only one of his balls, which went for four. It was hit by Andrew McDonald. It's okay. Everybody knows the Germans need to be down and out before rising like unstoppable blood-thirsty hyenas. Interestingly, zombies follow a similar pattern. Does this mean all Germans are zombies?

The end result of this Herschelle-less game was that the Cobras won. As if anybody expected otherwise. Yawn.

The Challengers also won, this time without much international help. Well not completely because out of the 4 wicket-takers, 2 were Saffas and the star batsman was Rossy. Much to the dismay of Indian fans, the highest Indian batter was Rahul Dravid. The BCCI should drop him more often, it really does wonders for his batting. Anil Kumble also contributed with wickets. But sadly the angel that looks after retired seniors that won't let go, can only focus on one player at a time. So today, it was Anil over McGrath. I think all the praises from the last match was too much for his pigeon brain.

The state of affairs as it stands now is that NSW has to beat Somerset and T&T has to beat Eagles for Trinidad and NSW to go through to the semis. Now that Delhi is out the Challengers might just qualify if the Cobras are beaten in their last league match. Victoria is sitting at the top of League B despite losing one of their two games and have already qualified.

Umm, what? Someone explain.

ODI's come alive

Courtesy of India and Pakistan. I don't support either team, so I watched the game purely for the cricket. It didn't disappoint. It did not disappoint at all.

Pakistan's innings was sane. What a shocker! They've always had immensely talented players but would always do something impulsive and lose wickets. Bless Shoaib Malik for realizing that bang, wham is not the only way to play ODI's. But kudos to him for entertaining us later on as well. And Muhammad Yusuf is a champion batsman! He really needs to get himself on the map more.

Although, I must admit that I enjoyed watching the Indian bowlers getting beaten to a pulp. Strangely, Ashish Nehra has become a good bowler! I haven't been following India for about eons now but when I used to watch them regularly Nehra was new and crap. The occasional promising balls here and there yes, but overall crap. The penguin has come a long way. Harbajan on the other hand needs to be dropped. This is not debatable. As Bored and SP are all yelling at the top of their lungs...INDIA HAVE BETTER SPINNERS. This is becoming like the dark era of Bangladeshi cricket when overweight players like Akram Khan were kept in the squad simply because they were 'seniors' and had 'experience' that could not compete with International cricketers. Seriously BCC, we did it! You can too!

Not that Pakistani bowlers didn't take a hammering. Umar Gul went for 16 off his first over. Every god damn free hit went over the boundary while Gambhir was there. Then he forgot to dive. I remembered a very funny ad a long time ago which showed an Indian fan's frustration at the team's lack of diving. It had something to do with a detergent called Surf Excel. Get it? Diving will make their clothes dirty so they don't dive. But they have Surf Excel to make it shiny again, so why not dive? Must find that commercial somewhere. It was awesome.

Dravid's run out was pitiful. I must admit that I actually like Rahul Dravid. No one realized that he had sneakily made 76 runs (albeit using 103 balls) till he walked back to the pavilion. Considering India fell only 54 runs short despite losing their top order with 169 runs still required, I'm going to say that 76 was valuable. Dravid is valuable. He and Kallis are a rare breed of batsmen. Always criticized and unappreciated, but irreplaceable.

The whole match was a thumping, racing heart beat. Never a dull moment, just like ODI's should be. To put icing on the cake, there was a pitch invasion at the end of the match! When was the last time you've seen a pitch invasion? Watching the players scrambling for cover and people running around with flags...it is excellent to watch. I hope I am involved in one, at least once in my life!


This is not T20 folks, it's much better than T20.

Preview: NZ vs India

The Kiwis need to win this.

I cannot be proven wrong about India not being able to win outside of India.

If I am, Ryder will be made to sit on Dan in true Sumo style. Don't worry, nothing will happen to him. I have instructed Rossy to distract Ryder with a truck full of mini burgers if things get out of hand. They are mini so he thinks he can eat as many as he likes and still maintain his 400lbs. The meat was also cooked in alcohol. It's called the North American BBQ style.

India's got Dravid back so he can enjoy watching all the other batsmen collapse around him, while he makes 1 run from every 50 balls.

Nehra is also back in the team. I look forward to his many misfields.

Gary Kirsten needs to exorcise KP's spirits from inside him and return to South Africa.

Guptill needs to show me why he is the next Dan.

The Kiwis need to win this.