The era of English cricket?

This is no celebration. This is a question that may very well make or break my existence.

Do I live in a world where English cricketers are...well good?

This is not to say we haven't had some top English cricketers before. But winning games? That's new. Winning a World Cup and then becoming the number one test side in the world...well that's just fucking beginning of the earth kind of stuff isn't it?

They are a team that worked their way up and that definitely says a lot about them. I mean, this is a team that decided KP should captain them for fuck's sakes! They put their hope and dreams of a win on a man named Mascaraman. One of their go to bowlers distinctively resembles a little girl's doll. More often than not, that bowler bowls like a doll, without any brains.

Knock, knock. Who is there? Nobody. Cuz this is Stuart Broad's head.

But these bunch of jokers seem to have been offset by the powerful Andy Flower, the capable Jimmy and dare I say it...the *gulp* intelligent Andrew Strauss.

What is going on here? Who are they? Where have they come from? How did they inspire this attitude within the English camp? And why do I feel that the list does not end with these three? That there are more, brewing, inspiring, invoking an era of English domination?

I don't get it. Probably because when the Windies and the Aussies dominated, their teams were made up of snarling beasts who glared, bullied, towered, basically mafia-ed their way through the cricket world. The English team however are easy to overlook. Mostly because of their reputation and their predecessors of course but look how sneakily they rose to the top. So gently, so politely. Almost apologetically.

"Pardon us good sir, but we will sit here at the top if you will let us please".

Where is the arrogance? The attitude? The aura of champions?

I just don't get it.

Why should I return?

Have you been watching cricket recently? HAVE YOU?

England, on a quest to be the number one test team of the world, have magically tapped into their inner winner. I didn't even know such a thing existed with the Poms, but there you have it. They are kicking ass. Even Mascaraman is a winner this time around. He must have dug up his inner champion from someone else's grave.

India are on the receiving end of this new English attitude. Supposedly, they too are vying to be the new Australia (world champs+test champs+piss everyone off champs). A poor choice of ambition, considering their bowling attack consists of a staggering nobody.

But wait, who makes up England's bowling attack? James Anderson...and the obscure one hit wonders.

iLaugh.
India dies.
At the hands of a Barbie doll.

Then we have my countrymen who have attempted to disguise themselves in horrendous orange, lest they fail. I appreciate it, because it shows they are thinking ahead. "In case of yet another embarrassing performance, wear a different coloured uniform. All stones will be diverted to the wrong bus anyway".

Well Bangladesh, here's a line for you: If you try again and again without success, failure may just be your style.

I am beginning to believe that.

How can I end a post without talking about my beloved Proteas. Who you say? I say the same thing. Who are these non-existent, fleeting men in green who only show up for certain periods of the cricket season, and never stay for the climax?

*Insert dirty joke here*

So in a nutshell, this is the era of England and India (not choosing since I can't bear it to be the era of either), Bangladesh will replace Zimbabwe in the number 10th spot and the Proteas are too busy being degenerates.

Nobody loves me.

Ricky's prayer

Oh Tasmanian Devil,

Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.

Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!

Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.

Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.

Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.

Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.

Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.

Amen.

Missing: Shakib Al Hasan

DOB: March 24th, 1987

Missing: Since England's departure from Bangladesh-why couldn't they just take him with them in their luggage?

Age now: Teeny tiny 23

Sex: Male

Race: Rice and Fish

Hairy: Wavy black

Eyes: Deep brown and thoughtful

Height: 5ft 9 inch but looks smaller

Weight: Fit

Missing from: Mirpur Stadium, Dhaka, Bangladesh

Identifying Characteristics: Left arm covered in brilliance, fingers in the left arm able to produce bright lights, can be dangerous when carrying a bat, but only on days his brain is not infested by bacteria.

Last seen Shakib was upset at himself for getting himself stumped at the verge of his second test hundred. You can cearly understand why we are concerned.

Please contact: Worcestershire, or Alastair Cook who may be hiding him in his basement. 

It's all relative

One day as Mascaraman stood in front of the mirror applying makeup to his eyeballs to make it as pretty as his lashes, he had heard voices. A distant whisper, in a Goochie-like voice...

"Alastair...you can bowl".

So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.

Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.

So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.

Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.

Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.

Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.

In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?

Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.

England's future

1) Under Mascaraman's captaincy England will be frequently caught unawares, like a deer. Or like their batting line up.

2) On the edge...of a loss, at all times. The only drawing under Mascaraman will be on their faces

4

3) Batsmen will finally get to be themselves and play their natural game. None of this play your role in the team bullshit. That's Barbie and Belly...and Mascaraman in his natural, confused stance on life.

4) A new,ruthless England will emerge with just a dash of blush, a dip of mascara and a pinch of lipstick. Intimidating stuff!

It is all very, very scary. The Bangladeshi boys can hardly contain their fear.

Cooky and Belly take charge

A new article from Alan Tyers. I founded his fanclub remember? You should join.

I love Bell's picture there. Look at him strutting his stuff like he is some brave little leprechaun. Yes, he can turn into a leprechaun from a sensitive flower anytime. He is Samantha the witch after all.

Is Ian Bell really Mascaraman's vice-captain? With this hair?

Something about Bell's hair makes me want to pull them out one by and display it as art on my roof...all the while hoping that crows come and snatch them away. Is it just me or does he make you this violent too?

It has happened

Mascaraman is officially leading England against Bangladesh. If I was a kind person I would have said that ECB have finally shoved their heads up their asses. But I am not. So my opinion on this is that England tried to walk after shoving their heads up their asses. During the walk, they rolled down a hill, hit a car and permanently damaged their brains.

Then they decided Alastair Cook should be captain.

Oh I laughed so hard! Mascaraman can't even decide which shots to play to which ball but evidently he knows the game well enough to decide on field placings for five days.

Hello, England. He was captain in a four hours match remember? If I may be so bold to say so, it did not go very well. Or so we thought. You seem to have watched a different match.

Resting Strauss seems to give the impression that Bangladesh is not an important tour. I have written about it before and I was freaking angry...obviously. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagined that the ECB would actually fuck up as badly as making Mascaraman captain. Darlings, Shakib may be new, but he is far more intelligent than that Rimmel loving she-man. And we are not making Crashraful captain again. Because...umm..we have players with leadership qualities!

Whatever. They can use us as their lab if they want. We are not going to sit here and bring the house down with our words. England can send their F team for all we care. Just remember that we don't have pitches that will help Stuart Broad and our strength is our spinners.

Bangladesh may not win this, but if England think this is going to be easy, insects have been eating on their brain. The same insects then produced sticky webs to prevent the brain from functioning properly. And of course, their heads are still shoved up their backsides.

T4D3: Somebody propose to Bouchie!

Why won't you people marry Mark? He is cute, he is the best wicket keeper in the world and...HE'S FUCKING SAVED SAFFA ASSES FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!

Hash got a good delivery so can't really blame him for that. Jakes made the worse attempt at a pull shot I've ever seen. And I watched Ricky bat during his 209 the other day. Maybe Jakes thinks that if he pulls as badly as Ricky, he too will be given the Player of the Decade Award. Take note Cricinfo.

JP wants to be dropped from the team. He can't carry his secruity blanket around anymore, because people make fun of him but neither can he leave it behind. So, he wants it dropped. It's the only explanation. He also wants to give Swannyg66 a lot of glory. For this, I have disowned him. No more love for you tiny man!

Let's go back to building the case for Mark. He is not getting any younger okay ladies?  This man, spends the whole day in a crouching position and dives more than anybody else in the team. Then he has to run like a mofo because AB the rabbit wants to hop all over the pitch. The important points for you to take note here are crouch, dive and good cardio. For fuck's sakes marry him!

But also know that all of your applications will be reviewed by AB de Villiers. Daryl Harper may or may not be involved, but AB does tend to get his decisions right so don't fret.

I didn't watch the bowling, needed to sleep. But Wayne got his first test wicket (thanks to SarahCanterbury) and Mascaraman has lost his form again. Just in time for Bangladesh. Also, KP and Colly are still there and it WILL rain in the next two days. So don't get too excited. Till all seven are gone at least.

Bangladesh continue their losing streak

You know how this is going to go. Bangladesh win/lose the toss. They bat. They start off brilliantly, then collapse.

The opposition team starts off brilliantly as well, but they don't collapse.

Bangladesh bowls 7-8 bowlers. Nothing changes. Sometimes one may get a wicket, but that's about it. The bowling massacre continues.

Supporters get frustrated with the team. Jamie Siddons asks them to have patience as the team is still growing. Fair point, but are they aiming to be Yao Ming? Because that's kind of steep.

Teams cancel their tours saying players need to rest. Or they send Alastair Cook as captain to try and convince the world that he can do it.

He succeeds. England cries.

The team morale is down so BCB calls Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe takes the next plane to Bangladesh. Then they convince some other teams to come. They duly arrive because some big series is coming up. And it's time they overtake their previous best performance.

The cycle repeats itself.

You don't have to win, just put up a better performance. Batting collapses are our forte, but can we maybe keep this one wrapped in a box and buried six-feet under for ONE match?

All I am asking is for them to fire as a unit. In both departments. Surely they only need to grow to be Allen Iverson for that to happen?

T3D2: First good day

Not the perfect day but after that start, who would have thought SA would still come out on top in the end? Well again not really quite on top, but smothering England with half their body weight surely. And with Biff and Jakes in the side, the scale's already hit the limit.

Seeing as I love South Africa and love England even more, I have to mention that five out of the seven Pom wickets came because of stupid shots. Strauss, Bell, KP, Trott, Cook all played appallingly to lose their wickets. I fell out of the couch laughing at the Bell shot! Oh Samantha...you were on 48 and you decided to go typically Bell. And KP's wicket was the funniest shit I had every seen. It seems that KP's weaknesses are spinners and his own over confidence. What I didn't realize was that the combination of the two would delude him into think Steyn was a spinner and play him like one. Fucking dumbass! And oh Mascaraman, aren't you the great one who had saved your career? Even after scoring 65 runs, you go out like a wuss. BAHAHAHA!

But let's not take anything away from Morne and Dale. I can finally breathe because the chipmunk seems to be back on form. All that hatred and nasty thoughts paid off! I always knew Morne was going to be fucking awesome. He can thank me later for the door-to-door campaign by picking up a fifer tomorrow. Friedel didn't get a wicket but he was dead accurate most of the time (Polly, we may have found your replacement!). For all the rubbish that Jakes bowled, he still had the lowest economic rate- another testament to Pom batsmen. JP was JP and Paul was...well a South African spinner. Sigh, it was nice while it lasted.

Swannyg66 is there and as much as I would like to think so, this is not over yet. Prior seems in good form and unless the Saffa bowlers bowl like Jimmy did this morning they might still get away. Damn that Jimmy! He was unplayable and I can't even hate him for it! Well he is friends with Swanny, so maybe I can a little bit.

Back to the relevant stuff. It's always a good thing when Morne and Dale are our top wicket takers because they are each others' competition, which means they will try that much harder. Of course, we can't relax even if England are out soon tomorrow because the top/middle/lower Saffa order may collapse on their own.

FML.

Cricket is ruined

WHY GOD WHY?

You allowed the rain gods to grant the Poms a victory. I sulked, but accepted it.

You gave Graeme Swann wickets. I avoided it with great pain, but I accepted it.

Then you gave Swann runs. I narrowly escaped life-long coma trying to avoid that, but somehow I managed.

England drew the first test, I sighed. But accepted it.

Alastair Cook got a century, I was asleep so didn't have to see the atrocious occurence. Then he got out, so again, I accepted it.

Ian Bell is 55 not out and they have a 43 run lead. My new watch is resting in peace but I still accepted it.

Now Watson has a test century...you have snatched everything away from me! I AM RUINED! Left with no more humour in my life. Only painful tears like those in Sarah Palin's eyes. I am shattered, distressed, crooning to Barry Manilow songs. My days are dark and dreary. Which cricketer will I make fun of now?

Can Mascarenhas replace Jimmy please?

T2D3: Practicing ABism

My brain is in so much grief over yesterday's game that I have now crossed over to the other extreme. Instead of bashing the Saffa bowlers to my heart's content I am practicing ABism i.e. I am being positive about every fucking thing.

So no Dale Steyn, I won't poke and pry into your mouth to try and figure out what sort of bacteria is residing in your brain. You have become fucking useless in a very short period of time, but I won't make a fuss about that. Instead I will dwell over the lovely capabilities that you are hiding in some unreachable part of your body and will it back outside with my positivity.

No Paul Harris, I won't talk about your diligent impression of Dale Steyn despite being more than okay even a few days ago. Instead I will pine for the days when you did not spin the ball but managed to fool the batsmen enough to get their wickets. Or maybe you dazzled them with your hair. No matter how you did it, you did it and it will happen again my friend. Yes it will.

Makhaya I won't say anything about you at all because even ABism cannot sugar-coat your mortifying bowling.

I will dwell on poor Morne instead who had to do the work of three other bowlers and did very well. Unfortunately for us we cannot clone him. We also cannot bowl him for eight continuous hours because then he will break down which means a bowling attack consisting of Dale, Jakes, Makhaya, Paul and JP. Which, as per ABism will be so wonderful that I will have to stuff my face with holiday sweets till I choke and die.

Even with positivity overload I cannot bring myself to acknowledge that Mascaraman now has a century and Ian Bell a half century. That will require a lot of alcohol and drugs and I am already maxed out on foreign objects in my body i.e. positive thoughts. And if I do overdose who will tell you that this a clever plan by the Saffers to keep the two jokers in the team, so real players never get a chance and they continue to disappoint for another forty innings?

'Tis true folks. I may not be ranting today but I would never lie to you.

T2D1: Biff is Watto's only friend

The first half-an-hour of the day was fucking nerve-wrecking. James Anderson and Graham Onions kept on giving me a heart-attack with every delivery. But I do appreciate good bowling, as long as it is not coming from Stuart Broad or Graeme Swann (smirk). It was fun to watch. Except when Ashy P and Hashim Amla decided they have had enough for the day. What the fuck are the selectors thinking keeping Ashwell Prince in this game? Do South Africa not have a test opener?

No wait, they do. His name is Herschelle Gibbs. Even when he is out of form he is a thousand times better than Ashy P and Neil McKenzie. And with Graeme Swann taking majority of the wickets (groan), surely they need their best player of spin in the team to talk some sense into them? Fucking Mickey and his pea brain.

I have to mention Biff's run out. He was trying to take some of the heat off Watto it seems. It was not as poetic as Watto's but damn, when was the last time you saw a gigantic buffalo take a dive? I swear there was an earthquake till Canada. Of course it was AB's fault for hoping that his precious captain was as quick on his feet as him. Son, Jesus walking on water was fine and all but Biff taking a quick single? Now that would take some skill.

JP is killing me. He really is.

Did Geoffrey Boycott actually say that Biff's run out by Cook was like Jonty's? Oh poor man! I think he is becoming senile. They were wondering when Cook was going to dive...HAHAHAHAHAHA. Honey, he don't dive. He just bats his eyelashes and the wickets fall. His own.

T1D4: Hash is illegal

And I love it. More than that century, what struck me is that AB and Hash got the innings back on it's feet. Without Jakes, the calming effect. I must confess that the three wickets fell because of me. I stayed up to watch (I only caught the highlights for days 1-3) and it was horrible. When Jakes left, I promptly went to sleep and woke up to find Hash and AB had done brilliantly. So if you were hoping for another fine Jakes innings, I am sorry. I will NEVER watch another live SA game ever.

Now back to the legality of Hash. There is none. He is just full-throttle illegal in your face. He isn't exciting, he still has technical flaws, he isn't always in form but when he scores he is like the tiny fly that you didn't notice till he dropped in your food. By then he has just freakin' ruined everything. Specially when you are left divided between admiring his flawless hitting and taking a shot at him for getting out stupidly. Not to mention his non-fancy yet fully effective fielding. I am very much fond of Hash. He just needs to score runs more frequently. But that will come.

AB-single no more has finally put in a substantial performance. Time to make up for the mediocre fielding. Yes, it has been mediocre so far. Don't pretend it hasn't. On top of that, he is inspiring Ian Bell to take good catches. Cut down on the love spreading a bit AB. You need a mean bone. I should start a school of ultimate meanness. Turn into a raging asshole in 16 days. Think I will get any students?

Anyway, back to the cricket. Bouchie has won me over once again. He has successfully managed to bat in both the innings after so so soooo long, I had forgotten that he had more to him than amazing reflexes and hypnotic eyes. I am glad that he and his buddy Jakes has got the Saffers' back. Now if only they could get their other 'friend' Biff to the party...idiot.

Morne put Barbie in his proper place (which is a mini doll house made of fruity cakes). That awkward four that went high up, dropped in front of the fielder and crossed the boundary- that made my day. It was such a slap in the face! Not that Barbie felt it. He has botox to protect him.

And this has to be mentioned: 27-3-91-0-3.37. Guess whose figures those are? Please say it. SAY IT!

To add cherry on top of well...my LIFE, Straussy has decided to pull a Graeme Smith. And an Ashy P. And a Mascaraman. What a strange tradition upheld by an even stranger compilation of batsmen.I loves it. Sometimes.

As usual I leave you with a final thought: how many fours did the Saffers have to score through the offside region before it occured to Strauss to put protection there? The answer is simply MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I was just looking for a place to put that in.

T1D2: Let Ian Bell bowl

Why not? The Saffers have no intention of winning this, they are fighting for a draw. They are going to bat defensively all day long and tire the English bowlers out. It's not like they can come up with something brilliant without the impatience and the stupidity of the Saffer batsmen anyway (JP, Imma shave your brains...). And it's a brilliant plan okay? They don't have bowlers who can take wickets and three more tests after this. Sure it's fucked that they won't go for the win, but beggars can't be choosers. So it's fine. Even if it works better than your sleeping pill. You never said anything about entertainment! You just wanted to watch Test cricket. So watch and stop whining. Or ask CSA to fly Sulieman Benn in.

Mark Boucher can still bat in tests (how the Aussies will come to bite me in the ass about his 49 now!) and Onions the stinker hit Morne while Barbie went after Harris. Methinks Barbie was upset with Harris' perfect hair. His own has not been doing well lately. What with all the pulling and tearing while he tries to figure out how to pick up wickets on a pitch that does not assist his bowling. But it's okay dear. You are an all-rounder remember? You don't need to pick up wickets all the time. You are just there to assist the real pacers.

That's about it for the Saffers batting. Now onto the bowling. What? Who took five wickets? Sorry, I didn't see beyond the 110 runs. It was fucking brilliant! Out of the 418 Saffers runs, 110 came off Swannyg66. Twitter about that bastard!

"Gave 110 runs to the Saffers today. I wet myself with joy and Jimmy claimed he could wet himself better than me. Join us in our wet off!"

Right, onto the bowling. If you were at the ground watching the match live, AB de Villiers is the reason you didn't get a beer on Makhaya. I was appalled that he dropped that. How could you AB? People need beer. Give them their BEER!

But overall, it wasn't as woeful as I thought it would be. Wet certainly won some hearts by striking first but it was Cook. Even I would have gotten that wicket from here in Canada. However, the match is still even and that's all I'm asking for really.

Parting thought for today is, I like the referral system. Because it has worked for the Saffers so far, even with the Trott decision. It was dubious. There is no objectivity here and I'm sure you didn't even expect it. If it works for South Africa and Bangladesh it's great. If it doesn't,  DOWN WITH IT! Or not. We'll see.

I'm in heaven

Mascaraman and midget monstrosity Bell are both playing. I can't wait to watch them bat. Of course I hope it happens after the Saffers have made 400 plus, but whenever it happens I am going to stay up to watch. Even if it is at 4am.

Cooky might open, while Bell will bat down the order. So I might not get to watch them bat together, but if it happens, what a joyous ocassion that will be.

Mascaraman will pout his lips and crease his brows to give the illusion of concentration. Then he will miss or duck or nearly get himself out. Even if Wet is bowling. But note, the mascara will remain the smooth, clumpless, perfection that it is.

Bell will probably sustain a neck sprain from trying to spot the ball flying towards him from the skies. He could still score a decent total since he is really Samantha from Bewitched in real life.

The nose gave it away...

Mascaraman and his tiny witch. I can hear wedding bells. 

Mascaraman is back

In their warm-up match against Saf XI, Mascaraman is currently 66 not out. He scored 34 and 22 in the other warm-up matches and 11 and 26 in the real matches. So don't fret. It doesn't mean anything. Mascaraman's forte is warm-up games. He doesn't like his batting to be burning hot. It makes his mascara run.

In the same match the Saffa bloods fell for 1 (Strauss), 11 (Trott) and 27 (KP). We are waiting for Michael Vaughan's statement. Unfortunately, he is not Pakistani. Otherwise all match fixing allegations would have taken priority over hair commitments. Yes, he looks like a creep there.

Speaking of Vaughan, he has told the press that the Saffa bowling attack has only Dale Steyn really so the Poms can just practice against machines and they'll be ready for the tests. Luke Wright has promptly gone into hiding, Morne Morkel just absorbed his words (that's all I am going to tell you for now) and Mickey Aurthur is on a ledge somewhere screaming "More Michael, more!". Of course he could also be talking about the hair.

Another interesting piece of article on Crapinfo is about how Andy F. and Andy S. are worried that they won't be able to balance a test side without a proper all-rounder. The picture used was that of Luke Wright's. Golden boy Barbie got this mention however:

Broad at No. 7 would be the most attacking, almost gung-ho, route England could take -"Let's hit South Africa with all we've got." For better or worse, it would make for entertaining cricket.

Just entertaining, nothing else. Last seen, Barbie is wearing her prom dress and remembering her prom queen days to make herself feel better about the fact that she is STILL not considered an all-rounder. Even after the Ashes.

Life is so unfair at times.

KP Claus

Dear Santa,

Since I am home for Christmas this year, I would like to give special gifts to those who have adopted me into their hearts. I would like them to know that even though I am loving every bit of my home-coming, I am always 100% English. So please make sure you give these to them from me.

For Barbie: A very pissed off Yuvraj Singh. Trotty told me that's how Broady likes him, not sure why.

For Straussy: The handbook I wrote when I was captain of England. I really feel he could learn from me.

For Swanny: A new chin. He is rather envious of my looks (Between you and me, he really wishes he looked South African)

For Bresy: A book of Afrikaans slang so the ECB can't chastise him anymore. He really needs it, that dom fokker.

For Ravi: The Ashes Dvd. Oh wait, is he even in it? Can you photo shop him in please?

For Cooky: A video of his last few innings so he can learn from his mistakes. What's that? He has it already? Oh...let's get him a brain then.

For Colly: Also a handbook I wrote on captaincy. But this is when I was captain of BRC.

That will be all this Christmas. I do have to spend the rest of my money on my lovely wife and Anil might not let me play next season. Which reminds me, please send Anil my love. I better start sucking up to him from now.

Must read

No, my busy day is not over yet. Which is unfortunate because it is 10 at night. Then again what is the difference between day and night when you are a student? It's all deadlines that run your life, sadly.

Nevertheless, I did pop over at Page 2 to procrastinate and stumbled upon this gem of an article. Have a read. It is delightful. Although, I do suspect it is only delightful to those who do not support the Poms. Or Mascaraman. But I won't give too much away. Here:

Goochie checks in

Alan Tyers is officially one of my top Cricinfo authors.