"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008
Showing posts with label Deccan Chargers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Deccan Chargers. Show all posts

Friday, April 23, 2010

Seriously?

Those of you who watched Gilly and Gibbs bat will be saying the same thing.

Seriously?

There was once a 80 something year old woman crossing the street with groceries, shuffling quickly so she could reach the other end  before the sign changed. She moved faster than Deccan's scoreboard in the whole match.

Seriously.

Ideally, these two players would not have played in the semis. But they did because Gilly is the captain and you can't drop the captain for bad form (But honestly, you should be allowed to in important matches!) and Gibbsy got a game purely because of his big-match kaboom reputation. It was a stinky, big-match kapoop performance.

Chennai bowled exceptionally well, but Deccan batted like cripples who have been further hindered by the neighbour's dogs latching onto their backside. Behind every unsuccessful Deccan batsman, there is a giant fucking labrador.

Seriously.

Now, Chennai are in the finals facing Mumbai and I am miserable. I dislike both teams and want neither to win. But if I HAD to pick (because of the same ass-grabbing labradors), I would go for Chennai. It was simply a case of who I hate more, Durby or teams that dress like Australians. Turns out Durby takes the cake. A big one. Smack on his face.

Unfortunately, I am cursed so this means Mumbai will win and I will frown ever so slightly because really, the best part of this IPL final is the fact that the T20 WC starts in seven days. IPL is O-V-E-R.

Seriously.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Deccan in the semis!

I am beyond ecstatic. Obviously, when they lost 5 in a row I was the first one to give up on them. But what you don't know is that this is my strategy. I am not even lying. It has been proven time and time again that the teams I support lose: Deccan, Trinidad and Tobago, Bangladesh, South Africa, Real Madrid...

So I changed teams. I openly announced my support for RCB in the Deccan vs RCB game and sure enough the Bangalore boys went splat all over the place, like a fat woman had sat on them. No, I didn't sit on them. I am not fat...sometimes.
I knew Deccan would pull through, because of the lovely Gilly. Gilchrist is my favourite Aussie. I think most people will agree with me. He didn't score big a single time, yet managed to drag his full, raw team into the semis. The very happy smile on his face and his natural,calm composure was very good to see. My general philosophy about Gilly is that he should always be happy. Just because he is an Aussie and the world doesn't hate him.

Deccan has done it all this IPL. Loss, win, disgusting loss, crushing win, vomit-worthy drops, eyebrows raising catches etc. etc. I do feel though that they deserve to be in the semis, simply because of the way they have clawed their way back. They went from being neighbours with the perennial losers (KKR) to sitting prettily next to the table toppers (MI). If that is not an inspiring comeback I don't know what is. And much of this is Gilly's doing. Today, Vaas put that extra special touch to it with his tremendou final over. Every fucking ball was so beautiful I choked up and briefly said hello to my emotions. See, sometimes it pays off to be associated with Saffers and choke!

But of course M-O-M went to Deccan's Knight in Shining Armour, Herschelle Gibbs. Although he got out to a stupid shot and was one of the Colly life-savers, my Hersch played the knock that pushed Deccan to at least a defendable total.

Before you say it, I know it was Roy. I just pretend not to see beyond any bald heads, so I can claim them to be any bald person I want them to be. Invariably, I always claim them to be Herschelle Gibbs. I wonder why!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Naked men

Deccan may yet go to the semis, thanks to RCB, so they celebrate by having a big pool party. Because they are a good disciplined team, they swim in a line or rather stare at the camera in a line, keeping their captain in the centre. Except for Roy, who as expected, breaks away from the rest and breaks out into a dance. He is semi-naked and has a less than attractive backside, but his dancing is nearly perfect.

Meanwhile, RCB work hard in the nets to make sure they win their game against the fat and twat Royals tomorrow. I will be supporting them of course. I want both my teams in the semis and since bloody Mumbai have forced their way in, that only leaves one spot. It can be anybody. I say that because I know for sure that it won't be KKR or Punjab. All my dreams have come true, and hence I want to LOL like a thirteen year old.

LOL.



Thank bucva for finding this amongst a shit load of precious RCB videos.

Friday, April 2, 2010

WTF Deccan!

I followed the game today with much interest as Deccan had lost the last two. I am a certified masochist (copyright Mahek), I know. But I really wanted to see Deccan's come back. That's why I tuned in, to see them take out the anger and pain of two losses on a clueless and stuttering Kolkata. The opposite happened.

First, Ganguly made a 50. Just not a 50, he fell 12 short of a century. Saurav Ganguly- never known for his explosive batting style. Meaning, Deccan's bowling was so pitiful people wanted to donate to them. Here's a yorker Roach, see if you can get a wicket.

Roach was beyond sad. Just thinking about his bowling makes me want to feed him to roaches. Was that lame? Well, so was his bowling.

The bald man had moments of brilliance- the two catches and of course the first over where he ravaged Parmar like he was a nothing bowler. Like the good big match player he is, he scored a 50...then got out. But that was not the WTF moment. Roy and Gibbs scoring in singles was. Together, they made the required run rate go from 9.05 to 12 something. No you are not reading this wrong. ROY and GIBBS took fucking singles till the run rate went up.

I would say they were match-fixing again but I have no evidence. Wait, who needs evidence when its Gibbsy in India?

Whatever it is now Deccan probably have no chance of going to the second round. They are second last, above Punjab and BELOW KKR. That is miserable.

My only hope now is RCB...RBC. Whatever the fuck they call themselves.But they have decided that it is a smart move to replace Bouch with KP. Obviously they lost. Well done shitheads.

Sigh. That's all I have to say.

Friday, March 26, 2010

New look

Because I get bored very easily.

But mostly because Blogger has decided to finally be awesome and give us these options. There are many more so the look may change more frequently from now on, because of the above reason.

You like?

Unfortunately, none of the pictures/patterns have anything remotely to do with cricket. There is a picture of a baseball that I contemplated putting, but then I realized I can't mislead you all. Wouldn't have worked anyway.

This is what I have been doing so I don't have to watch Deccan lose.

Deccan playing for a loss

Operation: Game against Rajasthan

General wish/want/endeavour: Win the game

Possible problems:
Shane Warne, Gilly's 'best mate'
Graeme Smith, not playing but still Hersch's 'close' friend
Shaun Tait's yorkers
Harsh Umpires

Things going Deccan's way (estimated) :
a) One wrong umpire decision
b) Nothing

Things Deccan can do to make it easier for Rajasthan: Run Andrew Symonds out, right after Herschelle goes.

Things Deccan can do to come out of this mess:
a) Call upon the Chaminda Vaas batting ghost of yesterday (if he even exists)
b) Stop getting run out
c) Ensure that Hersch gets 5 direct, successful hits
d) Call Shaun Tait fat thereby distracting him (The horrendous Rajasthan uniform makes him look curvy)
e) Get wickets
f) Let Kemar Roach play

Some last inspiring Hollywoodesque words during the strategic time-out: If you lose, they win. If you win, they lose. Work it out, it's not complicated.

Post match thoughts: Hersch decided to drop a catch instead. It hurt like a bitch.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

If you live in Hyderabad...

Do me a favour. Find out for me what Roy and Hersch are upto during their free time.

When two former (I am assuming Roy is all sobered up and boring now) alcoholics come together and both are bald, fit and party animals...things are bound to get a little crazy right? Hersch was the Charger's entertainer last year in Saffaland. But that doesn't mean he isn't their entertainer now. He might not know all the go to places but that doesn't mean that once he is there, he isn't unleashing his inner bad boy.

And it helps that Roy is there. He is probably 'luring' him into all sorts of drinking games:

Drink when the officials have asked you not to and get away with it.
Drink and race to the nearest bar.
Drink, call your ex-wife and try to win her back.
Drink till VB and Castle Lager send you free alcohol.
Drink your careers down the toilet...first one to the sewage gets a free beer!

Why would Deccan put two ex-boozers in the same team? Methinks, they are also sharing a room. Just so they can drink some more.

Roy's international career is done and dusted. Hersch, he may yet play in some ODI's. 

Actually, if you live in Hyderabad do me this favour. Smack Hersch on the head and give Roy a monkey to drink with. After all, drunks deserve to be happy too.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Choosing my IPL team

I have no regional affiliation with any of these teams, neither am I an Indian supporter. Hence, my IPL team choosing method largely depends on...you guessed it...the Saffers. I am of the opinion that BD players shouldn't be there to begin with..waste of their time and fitness (MASHRAFE!). So their presence has very little effect on me. Btw, this also means I am allowed to be fickle and support more than one team. Okay? Okay.

So here we go, my elimination process:

Mumbai Indias: Ryan McLaren, JP, Polly the Ginger Ninja and Superman Jonty.
Unfortunately, neither Polly nor Jonty are with them anymore (right?). I love Ryan, but only because he is Saffa. I have yet to make that 'YoaresofuckingawesomeIwanttoworshipyou' connection with him. And JP has broken my heart beyond repair...so for now, Mumbain Indians- REJECT!

KKR: Charl Langeveldt.
Oh Charl, my one-eyed monster. Even though you are bald and should be playing for the national team more often, I cannot stand your team-mate Baz. He makes me want to take a butter knife and scrape away at his tattoos. Very slowly. He makes me want to be an American solider at Guantanamo Bay! And I cannot be that person. I'm so sorry Charl. I am soo sorry! KKR- REJECT!

Punjab: Yusuf Abdullah
First of all, I haven't even watched Yusuf play that much. Second of all, even if I had and was a fan, the minute I think of Punjab, I think Yuvraj. After which I just resort to projectile vomitting, all the while thinking if only Yuvi had done so his ego might have shrunk a little. Or maybe not. Even if it had...Punjab- REJECT! Like a thousand times.

Royals: Graeme Smith, Johan Botha, Morne Morkel
You guys already know how this is going to go. My love for the crooked Johan and the magnificent Morne knows no barriers. Except when uber-sized, filthy, junk-filled bodies in the forms of Shane Warne and Graeme Smith come in the way. I want to reject the Royals, except I can't do that to Morne. Hence, I am on a mission to save these two. Maybe I will buy them and then lock them up in some high tower with a dragon guarding the place. Pretty sure the Fat Twins won't be able to defeat the dragon...unless they eat it! BAAH! Anyway, Royals- SEMI-REJECT!

Delhi: AB de Villiers, Wayne Parnell
Yay! You would think I'd be a die-hard Delhi fan...well I am not. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because their third choice captain is Dinesh Karthik (What.the.fuck!) or maybe because as much as I try, I can't be a fan of Gautam Gambhir. But why doesn't AB and Wayne have the power to trump these obstacles? My psychiatrist thinks it's my inability to happy for successful, ultra-talented, nearly perfect children. Something to do with personal insecurity. Of course, it's all bullshit and the real reason is that their jersey look like that of England's. See how I bring the Poms everywhere? If I may say so, I am a bastard-bitch-idiot all in one. Delhi- REJECT!

Chennai: Justin Kemp, Albie Morkel, Makhaya Ntini
This just has one big, fat rejection written all over it's face. First of all, their captain is Mega Stupid. Second, they have glory hunter Freddie. Third, they have three Saffers who have not been able to perform for their country lately. Sorry Maki, past achievements are great an all that and I still love you for that but right now, right here...you ain't making it back to the team. I am sad for you, but I also want them to win. Which they can't if you are there. And let's not even talk about Albie. You put my Zulu to disgrace! Egghead!
Chennai- REJECT!

RCB:  Jacques Kallis, ROFL, Mark Boucher, Dale Steyn
This is my heaven right here. In addition, they have Rahul Dravid, my favourite Indian player. And I am also quite liking Praveen Kumar these days. But we all know Jakes, Bouchie, my Dale and my alien son make the team. Don't pretend otherwise, it's bad for your health. However, they are missing a crucial person and because of that, they are my second team. Regardless, RCB: EJECT!

Deccan: THE ONE AND ONLY HERSCHELLE GIBBS
Major hypocrisy alert. He is riding on past glory, hasn't performed for the Saffers in a while, is one of those uber-talented, young people but man...he is Herschelle freaking Gibbs. Messed up, bad boy, elegant stroke player, bald, fantabulous fielder...I'll stop before you are disgusted and clicking to close the page. But notice how I cleverly put this in the end, so you have to read through all of my "neutral" opinions before finding out I am still really biased and blindly in love with this has-been.
Deccan Chargers: EJECT! To the moon. With the IPL trophy bitches!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

To answer your questions...

1) I am back

2) I am supporting the Deccan Chargers

3) I am happy Smith is injured and Kallis is kicking ass

4) I want KKR to start losing again

5) I also want Punjab to lose

6) I am really watching Bangladesh vs England on television

7) I am re-launching my hate campaign for Graeme Swann

8) I am stunned by Justin Kemp's inclusion in the T20 World Cup squad

9) I injured Durby. More on that later.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

IPL3

Let me remind you again that Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

Before him it was Fidel Edwards but he has been missing for a while now. I have put ads on every milk bottle available in West Indies. Hopefully the gap in his teeth will seek it out and return. 

Kemar Roach was bought by the Deccan Chargers at IPL3. I started watching IPL from the second season where I got bored half-way through. So I am no IPL expert and I only half care about BRC and Deccan Chargers because of the Saffers. Sometimes when I remember Albie's one hit wonder, literally, I watch Chennai too. But not for long because M.S. Dhoni leads to nightblindess in Canada.

I desprately want Ashraful and Mortaza out of Mumbai and KKR. Thankfully, Shakib has not been added to this list as he went unsold again, probably because of his international commitments. I think he would have been available for only like four games. But this is just a theory as again, I don't know much about the IPL.

But I do know about Kemar Roach.
Kemar Roach likes to hurt hairy goblins.
Kemar Roach likes to bowl fast in the hopes that the ball will actually kill somebody.
Kemar Roach then smiles, like a sweet little assassin.
Kemar Roach is a direct descendant of Walsh and Ambrose.
Kemar Roach is only 21.

I have said Kemar Roach about eight times in this article. It is intentional.