Paul Harris and doorknobs

Can Paul Harris turn a doorknob?

An important question, asked by a spectator at Newlands. Harris answered by taking Andrew Strauss out in the over.

"Yes fucker, I can turn a doorknob".

Go back to Durban. The doorknob swung Paul around and flung him to a corner, where he weeped like a little baby.

But also go back a little further to Centurion. He banged open the door without turning the doorknob. Again and again. Just went straight through it, till it broke.

This match, sometimes he banged and sometimes he turned. Neither got him the win. He was overplayed by at least two overs, when JP had been turning the doorknob much more smoother than him.

Yet, it is hard to criticize a man that continues to take wickets for the Saffers in the disguise of a spinner. I mean, he is a Saffa 'spinner' for fuck's sakes! What more did you expect from him?

Will he last? Probably not. Will he continue to mysteriously get wickets at the Wanderers? Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn't matter, because whether he gets wickets or not, he probably won't fucking learn how to spin the ball at the age of 31.

Does he need some love despite all of this?

Andre Nel seems to think so.

How the Saffers are responding

Mickey and I have talked it over and we have decided to fight fire with fire. So these are the Saffa strategies. Only part of it though. We can't have the English spies stealing our secrets.


To combat the line dance the Saffers have come up with their own routine, the Russian Taekwondo. When the Poms trap them in their line, the Saffers are going to break out in this dance in true Bruce Lee style and kick the English everywhere. They are then going to calmly proceed towards the crease.


Offended by Broad's attempt to be an all-rounder, Jacques is going to the man who has already betrayed England to find out how to save Stuart from the delusions. Living up to his true character, Freddie gave Jakes the key to the room where the giant tennis ball is kept. Turns out Stuart's brain is in the ball. Smash the ball and all will be well.


To fight the Poms' boy band looks, Albie and Morne's spirit are going to wear even whiter, tighter outfits to scare the living crap out of the staring Brits. Puma has informed us that if they stare too hard at the whites, they might even go blind. But that might not make much of a difference, seeing as they field like blind men to begin with.


While the Poms do the wave to signal their Queen, the Saffers are going to form a line of their own and throw cricket balls at them. The one who hits Luke Wright the most will get to take him home to do whatever they please. This is a special incentive for Graeme Smith to get his brain working for once.


Finally, the Saffers have built giant shoes courtesy of Gunther's giant feet, to kick the Poms in their niggle-trapped bottoms when they bow down. Just like Gunther, these shoes go psycho when unleashed. They will stick to the Poms till they find out why there is an epidemic in the English camp that involve men, their buttocks and tightness.