Tomorrow is a new day, except it's not because bloody Trott hasn't reached his 200 yet and will surely attempt to do so. I'm just hoping that bloody Trott has poor Kallis' bad luck and will fall a few runs short.
But bloody Morgan is also at 40 and will surely want his maiden 50 and then slaughter his way to his century on debut. Of course Bresnan and Prior will take this opportunity to make some more test runs. Prior needs it, his spot is on the line these days. Damn Strauss will probably make sure he gets this chance, since Kieswetter did just win the World Cup for Collingwood and Colly is after Strauss' job. He can't have that damn little spy in his team!
Our bloody bowlers will continue to give runs like Shahadat Hossain. Yes I know Shahadat has the third best bowling figures in the attack but I fucking can't believeit. That is just a measure of how shitty the rest were and nothing else. Believe me.
Bloody Shakib is still recovering from the bloody chicken pox and is probably fighting to stay awake on the field. I am going to find the person who gave Shakib chicken pox. Then I am going to give that person chicken pox again and tie them up and duct-tape their mouth, so they can't itch. I'll also leave a tape playing a scratching sound over and over again.
We might bat once Strauss gets bored with our bowlers (I suspect he won't easily because evidently, we cannot be taken lightly) and decides to man-handle our batsmen instead. I am just hoping for Tamim, Mahmudullah, Shakib and Mushfiq to show some guts. I am also hoping the bloody Poms realize that they need to give us something for getting Strauss, KP and Trott back to form. We are the most motivational team ever...for the opposition. There must be some sort of pay for this.
I have settled my fees on Lords. One Englishman by the name of Mark Chalcraft from Good Cricket Wicket is convinced we deserve it so we are almost there.
But for now, man up boys. There's still two more days of drubbing to go.
Showing posts with label Paul Collingwood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Paul Collingwood. Show all posts
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Well, it's over
I am not completely saddened by the result or the ending of this tournament. It's not because of cricket overkill or because I have suddenly started liking the Poms. It's because the winning moment came off the bat of the Englishman I can tolerate (as a cricketer strictly) and the Aussie bowler I would like to vanquish from this Earth. That was the only part of Michael Clarke's captaincy I was grateful for- making sure that the winning runs came off the petulant brat.
I am also glad it's over because the tournament has strangely been like the La Liga, only two teams dominating all the rest. The quality of cricket, I think we can all agree, has been subpar and this time, it's actually because barring the two finalists, the rest sucked balls. I don't think at any moment, any of us didn't know what the outcome of the game was going to be, unless two horribly out-of-form teams were playing. Okay, maybe the Kiwis were the only exception. I thought they should have made the semis.
For me, only three matches were really interesting to watch - SL vs NZ, NZ vs Pak and the Aus vs Pak semi. The rest put me to sleep and I actually got to watch these matches during the day at decent hours. If you didn't really care who won the finals (I did care, but not so much), it wasn't fun to watch either. But it could also be because I had to drive two hours in traffic and only got to watch England bat. Watching Dirk Nannes not take wickets is painful. Kieswetter's wicket abated my pain slightly though. What a fucking embarrassing way to get out! I loved it!
KP was magnificent but I never enjoy watching him doing well. I did like this ridiculous picture though:
I also enjoyed bloody Nasser saying 'Surely, even England can screw it up from here', when they required 29 runs to win. Oh these Poms! They never believe in themselves!
I can understand why they get along so well with them South Africans.
I am also glad it's over because the tournament has strangely been like the La Liga, only two teams dominating all the rest. The quality of cricket, I think we can all agree, has been subpar and this time, it's actually because barring the two finalists, the rest sucked balls. I don't think at any moment, any of us didn't know what the outcome of the game was going to be, unless two horribly out-of-form teams were playing. Okay, maybe the Kiwis were the only exception. I thought they should have made the semis.
For me, only three matches were really interesting to watch - SL vs NZ, NZ vs Pak and the Aus vs Pak semi. The rest put me to sleep and I actually got to watch these matches during the day at decent hours. If you didn't really care who won the finals (I did care, but not so much), it wasn't fun to watch either. But it could also be because I had to drive two hours in traffic and only got to watch England bat. Watching Dirk Nannes not take wickets is painful. Kieswetter's wicket abated my pain slightly though. What a fucking embarrassing way to get out! I loved it!
KP was magnificent but I never enjoy watching him doing well. I did like this ridiculous picture though:
I also enjoyed bloody Nasser saying 'Surely, even England can screw it up from here', when they required 29 runs to win. Oh these Poms! They never believe in themselves!
I can understand why they get along so well with them South Africans.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Things that make me cry
1) This thing with its tongue sticking out, getting one of my favourite assassin's wicket. Looks like he stuck out his tongue and swallowed Dilshan's mojo, like a frog.
2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.
3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?
4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!
5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.
I don't like either of these teams.
Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!
2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.
3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?
4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!
5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.
I don't like either of these teams.
Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!
Friday, April 2, 2010
AB is a swinger
I think I have tracked down AB's girlfriend. Not that it was the goal of my life...except it kind of was. Because I am getting sick of the IPL. Oh my god I said something bad about the IPL! You'll probably find my body in a ditch soon. So before that happens, let me share these pictures with you.
Oh yes, please pick out AB's girlfriend and let me know. I have no idea!
Oh yes, please pick out AB's girlfriend and let me know. I have no idea!
That t-shirt is surreal
I don't even want to know what she is saying
Interesting...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thank you IPL!
No genuinely. Delhi dropped AB as soon as Colly Buttniggle joined them. It's a good thing. Because I have realized that AB has no competition in the Saffa team. He can play in any position so it's usually other players who get dropped and AB fills their spot.
Wouldn't that make you feel invincible? It's not his fault. I would have felt the same.
But not in the Delhi team. There are people who can replace him, if he isn't doing well. Not on the field, but with Dave Warner opening, Gautam Gambhir back and Colly bowling well, I'm guessing they can forego the fielding. He kind of found his form in the last game he played, but at this stage in the IPL it is difficult to bank on kind of.
Dussey the ordinary, added to his woes by taking an extraordinary catch too. And he plays for KKR. That's like a slap that rebounded and came and hit you again. Yes, just like Dussey's catch. How clever am I?
Anyway, it's a good thing. Now AB will fight for his place and try to outdo Dussey...hopefully returning back to his old self in the process. Here's to Delhi not picking him for the next game either. Don't pull a stupid move just because he is AB de Villiers. C'mon Delhi! We are banking on it.
Wouldn't that make you feel invincible? It's not his fault. I would have felt the same.
But not in the Delhi team. There are people who can replace him, if he isn't doing well. Not on the field, but with Dave Warner opening, Gautam Gambhir back and Colly bowling well, I'm guessing they can forego the fielding. He kind of found his form in the last game he played, but at this stage in the IPL it is difficult to bank on kind of.
Dussey the ordinary, added to his woes by taking an extraordinary catch too. And he plays for KKR. That's like a slap that rebounded and came and hit you again. Yes, just like Dussey's catch. How clever am I?
Anyway, it's a good thing. Now AB will fight for his place and try to outdo Dussey...hopefully returning back to his old self in the process. Here's to Delhi not picking him for the next game either. Don't pull a stupid move just because he is AB de Villiers. C'mon Delhi! We are banking on it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Buttniggle is an ass
Colly Buttniggle, who I like as a cricketer, has turned out to be a bit of an illiterate. I learnt about it on Reina's blog. Nestaquin of 99.94 has written a really good piece on it too. Have a read here .
The comment made by Buttniggle was this:
“It won’t be easy to find a golf course in Bangladesh, if there is one, they’ll probably have wooden clubs”
If is one of the most thoughtless, tactless and ignorant comment I have ever heard. I said one of the, because unfortunately I have had to come to terms with the existence of George Bush.
I use the word ignorant rather than arrogance because I find it amusing when people from the first world, who are the pioneers of what is politically incorrect, talk like they have never been to school before. It is even more hilarious when the comments centre around the third world, where EVERYBODY is illiterate according to them. I am not even exaggerating. When I first came here, people were shocked that I knew how to speak English in just four days.
As Nestaquin pointed out, that is a joke about the poverty stricken in Bangladesh. Some may argue that such jokes are expected from the unsophisticated Collingwood. But who the fuck makes jokes about people who die because they don't have food? That is just a poor example of humanity.
Nesta has enough information about the golf courses in Bangladesh in his piece (I must say, I am rather impressed with his knowledge) so I won't stress on that. But my question is, what is the problem even if there are wooden clubs Colly? Why can't you play with them? You are not playing a tournament. It's for fun.
Growing up in a poverty stricken country means we don't have everything, like the best facilities in cricket. But we still aspire to become a world class team. We dream big and we make do with what we have. We learn the concept of sacrifice early. If that means that we have to play golf with wooden clubs or cricket with a log, so be it. Then, when we walk into the impressive halls of Lords we stand in awe, and thank our stars that we have been given this opportunity. We don't demand, we don't make tasteless jokes.
I must warn Colly that golf clubs are not the only thing that he will be seeing in Bangladesh. He will also see little children with bare feet, running into bowl fast, blisters all over. And lots of people, cramped into the edge of the roof of a twenty storey building, because they can't afford to buy a ticket. But that won't stop them from supporting the team. Maybe you should take a leaf out of their books Colly. You might be pleasantly suprised.
The comment made by Buttniggle was this:
“It won’t be easy to find a golf course in Bangladesh, if there is one, they’ll probably have wooden clubs”
If is one of the most thoughtless, tactless and ignorant comment I have ever heard. I said one of the, because unfortunately I have had to come to terms with the existence of George Bush.
I use the word ignorant rather than arrogance because I find it amusing when people from the first world, who are the pioneers of what is politically incorrect, talk like they have never been to school before. It is even more hilarious when the comments centre around the third world, where EVERYBODY is illiterate according to them. I am not even exaggerating. When I first came here, people were shocked that I knew how to speak English in just four days.
As Nestaquin pointed out, that is a joke about the poverty stricken in Bangladesh. Some may argue that such jokes are expected from the unsophisticated Collingwood. But who the fuck makes jokes about people who die because they don't have food? That is just a poor example of humanity.
Nesta has enough information about the golf courses in Bangladesh in his piece (I must say, I am rather impressed with his knowledge) so I won't stress on that. But my question is, what is the problem even if there are wooden clubs Colly? Why can't you play with them? You are not playing a tournament. It's for fun.
Growing up in a poverty stricken country means we don't have everything, like the best facilities in cricket. But we still aspire to become a world class team. We dream big and we make do with what we have. We learn the concept of sacrifice early. If that means that we have to play golf with wooden clubs or cricket with a log, so be it. Then, when we walk into the impressive halls of Lords we stand in awe, and thank our stars that we have been given this opportunity. We don't demand, we don't make tasteless jokes.
I must warn Colly that golf clubs are not the only thing that he will be seeing in Bangladesh. He will also see little children with bare feet, running into bowl fast, blisters all over. And lots of people, cramped into the edge of the roof of a twenty storey building, because they can't afford to buy a ticket. But that won't stop them from supporting the team. Maybe you should take a leaf out of their books Colly. You might be pleasantly suprised.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
T4D4: Morne, draw and some more fridge
I have an important question: what is the exact definition of infidelity? If I have Morne's babies and keep on thinking about Dale the whole time, does it make me an infidel? Because I need to have Morne's babies now. It's not even a wish, a dire need, not for me but for South African cricket. If I have 4 kids with Dale and 4 with Morne, that's four generations of dangerous opening bowlers for the Saffers. One or two of them might even blog badly. Regardless, We don't have to cry for the Donald-Pollock days, EVER. So is infidelity really bad when it's for the greater good?
Other than the fact that the Morne-Steyn combo has finally arrived after a long, long wait for Saffa fans (since Allan's retirement to be exact) another piece of history has been made in this fourth test. It rained...AND THE SAFFERS STILL WON! Bet you didn't realize that eh?
I am slightly sad that this series is over but so god damn relieved that the Saffers levelled! However, I don't think they should be all that happy. They drew. Against England. At home. They should have fucked up the Pommies so bad they would never ever have wanted to return to Saffaland. Instead fucking England proved to be a resilient side. I think it's the South African tea. I'll say it. England... played... well... FUCKERS!
Of course some very dodgy selection decisions and Paul Harris helped. Paul, as much as I like you...fuck you! Just a little. You are South African after all.
Ryan can bat and JP can spin. So what happens to Paul now? Actually what happens to JP? He can get wickets yes, but tiny man...you...ARE A BATSMAN! At least that's what we thought! There's some talk about him being an all-rounder. Umm...NO. Failing with one and doing well with another in a test does not make him an all-rounder. Jakes seriously needs to put that definition on a t-shirt and wear it.
All-rounder: JACQUES FUCKING KALLIS. Dumbasses.
Graeme Swann and Bouchie-the man won man of the series. I thought Paul Collingwood deserved it more than Swannyg66. This is not spurred by my dislike for Swann. Think about it. Had Colly's innings not moved at the pace of a turtle at Centurion and Cape Town, there would have been ample time to get that fucker Onions. Even with Makhaya bowling.
Speaking of Makhaya, his fridge seems to have given birth to three more. CSA didn't want to pay for their food and electricity, so gave them to Jakes, Ashy P and Bouch. Ashy P is going to use it to freeze his brain some more.
Lastly, Andrew Strauss got booed for talking about the frustration with the review system. Ricky Ponting is buying the Wanderers crowd beer. Cheers guys!
Other than the fact that the Morne-Steyn combo has finally arrived after a long, long wait for Saffa fans (since Allan's retirement to be exact) another piece of history has been made in this fourth test. It rained...AND THE SAFFERS STILL WON! Bet you didn't realize that eh?
I am slightly sad that this series is over but so god damn relieved that the Saffers levelled! However, I don't think they should be all that happy. They drew. Against England. At home. They should have fucked up the Pommies so bad they would never ever have wanted to return to Saffaland. Instead fucking England proved to be a resilient side. I think it's the South African tea. I'll say it. England... played... well... FUCKERS!
Of course some very dodgy selection decisions and Paul Harris helped. Paul, as much as I like you...fuck you! Just a little. You are South African after all.
Ryan can bat and JP can spin. So what happens to Paul now? Actually what happens to JP? He can get wickets yes, but tiny man...you...ARE A BATSMAN! At least that's what we thought! There's some talk about him being an all-rounder. Umm...NO. Failing with one and doing well with another in a test does not make him an all-rounder. Jakes seriously needs to put that definition on a t-shirt and wear it.
All-rounder: JACQUES FUCKING KALLIS. Dumbasses.
Graeme Swann and Bouchie-the man won man of the series. I thought Paul Collingwood deserved it more than Swannyg66. This is not spurred by my dislike for Swann. Think about it. Had Colly's innings not moved at the pace of a turtle at Centurion and Cape Town, there would have been ample time to get that fucker Onions. Even with Makhaya bowling.
Speaking of Makhaya, his fridge seems to have given birth to three more. CSA didn't want to pay for their food and electricity, so gave them to Jakes, Ashy P and Bouch. Ashy P is going to use it to freeze his brain some more.
Lastly, Andrew Strauss got booed for talking about the frustration with the review system. Ricky Ponting is buying the Wanderers crowd beer. Cheers guys!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
T4D3: Somebody propose to Bouchie!
Why won't you people marry Mark? He is cute, he is the best wicket keeper in the world and...HE'S FUCKING SAVED SAFFA ASSES FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!
Hash got a good delivery so can't really blame him for that. Jakes made the worse attempt at a pull shot I've ever seen. And I watched Ricky bat during his 209 the other day. Maybe Jakes thinks that if he pulls as badly as Ricky, he too will be given the Player of the Decade Award. Take note Cricinfo.
JP wants to be dropped from the team. He can't carry his secruity blanket around anymore, because people make fun of him but neither can he leave it behind. So, he wants it dropped. It's the only explanation. He also wants to give Swannyg66 a lot of glory. For this, I have disowned him. No more love for you tiny man!
Let's go back to building the case for Mark. He is not getting any younger okay ladies? This man, spends the whole day in a crouching position and dives more than anybody else in the team. Then he has to run like a mofo because AB the rabbit wants to hop all over the pitch. The important points for you to take note here are crouch, dive and good cardio. For fuck's sakes marry him!
But also know that all of your applications will be reviewed by AB de Villiers. Daryl Harper may or may not be involved, but AB does tend to get his decisions right so don't fret.
I didn't watch the bowling, needed to sleep. But Wayne got his first test wicket (thanks to SarahCanterbury) and Mascaraman has lost his form again. Just in time for Bangladesh. Also, KP and Colly are still there and it WILL rain in the next two days. So don't get too excited. Till all seven are gone at least.
Hash got a good delivery so can't really blame him for that. Jakes made the worse attempt at a pull shot I've ever seen. And I watched Ricky bat during his 209 the other day. Maybe Jakes thinks that if he pulls as badly as Ricky, he too will be given the Player of the Decade Award. Take note Cricinfo.
JP wants to be dropped from the team. He can't carry his secruity blanket around anymore, because people make fun of him but neither can he leave it behind. So, he wants it dropped. It's the only explanation. He also wants to give Swannyg66 a lot of glory. For this, I have disowned him. No more love for you tiny man!
Let's go back to building the case for Mark. He is not getting any younger okay ladies? This man, spends the whole day in a crouching position and dives more than anybody else in the team. Then he has to run like a mofo because AB the rabbit wants to hop all over the pitch. The important points for you to take note here are crouch, dive and good cardio. For fuck's sakes marry him!
But also know that all of your applications will be reviewed by AB de Villiers. Daryl Harper may or may not be involved, but AB does tend to get his decisions right so don't fret.
I didn't watch the bowling, needed to sleep. But Wayne got his first test wicket (thanks to SarahCanterbury) and Mascaraman has lost his form again. Just in time for Bangladesh. Also, KP and Colly are still there and it WILL rain in the next two days. So don't get too excited. Till all seven are gone at least.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
T4D1: Dale, have my babies
I had a dream before tuning into the game today. I dreamt that South Africa won the toss and the Biff-headed individual decided to bat first, leading to a massacre of Saffa batsmen and a flurry of wickets. Little did I know that my subconscious was already watching the game and feeding me all sorts of wrong information. I think my subconscious may be English...BLASMEPHY!
Anyway, so if you don't want to have Dale's babies after that performance, you are demented...or think Stuart Broad is a bowler. The wicket I enjoyed the most was that of Andrew fucking Strauss. I also briefly contemplated having Amla's children after that catch, but the guy is married. So I will let him be.
Heartbreaker Morne got three, two of which were leg-before. Although one of them was probably a no ball. Barbie was 'astonished' and I think KP called the umpire an asshole. Daryl Harper's family better start saying a prayer for him, he might not be returning home from this tour.
Ryan McLaren replaced Paul Harris. Not a bad idea, but can Ryan McLaren bat? 'Cause Harro can you know...in his own awkward, "I always have a strange smile on my face" way.
Wayne also made his debut and was crap. Had he and Ryan not bowled, the Poms would have been out much sooner. But I grudgingly forgive them because they are debutants after all. However, here is a little something for them to 'grow' in the second innings: "Stick to the basics fuckers, the rest will happen on its own. Have you not watched the Poms bat?"
Prior, KP and Barbie have inspired many shitty kids who now believe they can be selected for the national team despite batting like a bunch of Under12s. Wait, I'm missing one. Oh yes! Fighter Colly Buttniggle. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.
At this point, I must share with you a line I read somewhere (can't remember where) after the first test. "England only collapse once in every series. This was it and South Africa have failed to capitilize on it". So evidently, what we saw today and in the third test was not a collapse. It's just the English batsmen politely thanking the Saffers for their hospitability over the past few months. How very proper of them!
I am seriously happy with this day. No, the world is not ending. Dale Steyn on top form always gets that reaction from me. I want to share with you my happiness, hence this special picture:
Anyway, so if you don't want to have Dale's babies after that performance, you are demented...or think Stuart Broad is a bowler. The wicket I enjoyed the most was that of Andrew fucking Strauss. I also briefly contemplated having Amla's children after that catch, but the guy is married. So I will let him be.
Heartbreaker Morne got three, two of which were leg-before. Although one of them was probably a no ball. Barbie was 'astonished' and I think KP called the umpire an asshole. Daryl Harper's family better start saying a prayer for him, he might not be returning home from this tour.
Ryan McLaren replaced Paul Harris. Not a bad idea, but can Ryan McLaren bat? 'Cause Harro can you know...in his own awkward, "I always have a strange smile on my face" way.
Wayne also made his debut and was crap. Had he and Ryan not bowled, the Poms would have been out much sooner. But I grudgingly forgive them because they are debutants after all. However, here is a little something for them to 'grow' in the second innings: "Stick to the basics fuckers, the rest will happen on its own. Have you not watched the Poms bat?"
Prior, KP and Barbie have inspired many shitty kids who now believe they can be selected for the national team despite batting like a bunch of Under12s. Wait, I'm missing one. Oh yes! Fighter Colly Buttniggle. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.
At this point, I must share with you a line I read somewhere (can't remember where) after the first test. "England only collapse once in every series. This was it and South Africa have failed to capitilize on it". So evidently, what we saw today and in the third test was not a collapse. It's just the English batsmen politely thanking the Saffers for their hospitability over the past few months. How very proper of them!
I am seriously happy with this day. No, the world is not ending. Dale Steyn on top form always gets that reaction from me. I want to share with you my happiness, hence this special picture:
His smile is as horrifying as my happy face...
Of course Ashy P and his high score of 15 are still at the crease and this is a bowling pitch. So tomorrow all this may change. Unless Pee on the Ashes survives Jimmy like he did today.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
T3D4: Newlands, come get me
I slept through SA's batting days so highlights are all I have. But I really wish I was in Cape Town. Not only to watch the cricket live, but also to nap with those men who doze off during the most exciting sessions. That way, I would still have slept through SA's batting, but at least I would have been sleeping right next to the ball that Bouch hit for six. Or the one that JP hit.
Yep, JP hit a six. His starting was shaky but he realized that being a sensitive flower like Ian Bell is a bad career move. Having said that, I am refraining from commenting further on the sensitivity of Samantha because he is yet to bat and the Poms have been wonderfully adept at making me eat my words. Bastards!
With England three down, most people seem to think that the Saffers have won this. Even though I am hoping that they are right, the eternal pessimist in me is asking me not to celebrate yet. Trott's still there along with a very tired looking Jimmy. The Poms are determined to break Jimmy down in the manner of Flintoff, so he can play the next Ashes amidst numerous injections. He just looks like he wants to go home, soak himself in a hot bubble bath and hit the sack. Instead he has to stand in the middle with the boring Trott, trying to comprehend his Saffa accent as he speaks nonsense and wastes time. Poor guy!
Regardless, I demand Biff bat for England tomorrow till he gets his 200. What the fuck is the umpire doing not noticing the no ball? Evidently, Jakes should have been watching Onions' feet. So now both the UDRS and the batsmen's gotta do the on field umpires job. They just pretend to be there when actually, they are busy drooling over the sun-tanned girls around them. DO YOUR JOB!
If I was in Saffaland, in between the naps, I would have thrown banana peels at the umpires, just for fun. I would also have hit Jakes for getting out the way he did. And I would definitely have begged Cullinan to stop being a commentator. He is not good at it. He is not good at it at all.
Yep, JP hit a six. His starting was shaky but he realized that being a sensitive flower like Ian Bell is a bad career move. Having said that, I am refraining from commenting further on the sensitivity of Samantha because he is yet to bat and the Poms have been wonderfully adept at making me eat my words. Bastards!
With England three down, most people seem to think that the Saffers have won this. Even though I am hoping that they are right, the eternal pessimist in me is asking me not to celebrate yet. Trott's still there along with a very tired looking Jimmy. The Poms are determined to break Jimmy down in the manner of Flintoff, so he can play the next Ashes amidst numerous injections. He just looks like he wants to go home, soak himself in a hot bubble bath and hit the sack. Instead he has to stand in the middle with the boring Trott, trying to comprehend his Saffa accent as he speaks nonsense and wastes time. Poor guy!
Regardless, I demand Biff bat for England tomorrow till he gets his 200. What the fuck is the umpire doing not noticing the no ball? Evidently, Jakes should have been watching Onions' feet. So now both the UDRS and the batsmen's gotta do the on field umpires job. They just pretend to be there when actually, they are busy drooling over the sun-tanned girls around them. DO YOUR JOB!
If I was in Saffaland, in between the naps, I would have thrown banana peels at the umpires, just for fun. I would also have hit Jakes for getting out the way he did. And I would definitely have begged Cullinan to stop being a commentator. He is not good at it. He is not good at it at all.
Monday, December 7, 2009
KP Claus
Dear Santa,
Since I am home for Christmas this year, I would like to give special gifts to those who have adopted me into their hearts. I would like them to know that even though I am loving every bit of my home-coming, I am always 100% English. So please make sure you give these to them from me.
For Barbie: A very pissed off Yuvraj Singh. Trotty told me that's how Broady likes him, not sure why.
For Straussy: The handbook I wrote when I was captain of England. I really feel he could learn from me.
For Swanny: A new chin. He is rather envious of my looks (Between you and me, he really wishes he looked South African)
For Bresy: A book of Afrikaans slang so the ECB can't chastise him anymore. He really needs it, that dom fokker.
For Ravi: The Ashes Dvd. Oh wait, is he even in it? Can you photo shop him in please?
For Cooky: A video of his last few innings so he can learn from his mistakes. What's that? He has it already? Oh...let's get him a brain then.
For Colly: Also a handbook I wrote on captaincy. But this is when I was captain of BRC.
That will be all this Christmas. I do have to spend the rest of my money on my lovely wife and Anil might not let me play next season. Which reminds me, please send Anil my love. I better start sucking up to him from now.
Since I am home for Christmas this year, I would like to give special gifts to those who have adopted me into their hearts. I would like them to know that even though I am loving every bit of my home-coming, I am always 100% English. So please make sure you give these to them from me.
For Barbie: A very pissed off Yuvraj Singh. Trotty told me that's how Broady likes him, not sure why.
For Straussy: The handbook I wrote when I was captain of England. I really feel he could learn from me.
For Swanny: A new chin. He is rather envious of my looks (Between you and me, he really wishes he looked South African)
For Bresy: A book of Afrikaans slang so the ECB can't chastise him anymore. He really needs it, that dom fokker.
For Ravi: The Ashes Dvd. Oh wait, is he even in it? Can you photo shop him in please?
For Cooky: A video of his last few innings so he can learn from his mistakes. What's that? He has it already? Oh...let's get him a brain then.
For Colly: Also a handbook I wrote on captaincy. But this is when I was captain of BRC.
That will be all this Christmas. I do have to spend the rest of my money on my lovely wife and Anil might not let me play next season. Which reminds me, please send Anil my love. I better start sucking up to him from now.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Mascaraman should be captain FOREVER
"I'm not sure if anyone has chased 240, we had the belief but we didn't have the skills today".
What a fine example of honesty. He is quite the role model that Alastair Cook. Announcing to the whole world as captain that his team lost because of lack of skills. Notice, the skills seemed to have magically disappeared specifically in the second game against South Africa. As opposed to all the other times when England have boggled us with their ability to play thumping T20 cricket.
England's line up had KP, Trott, Morgan and just for the heck of it, I'll throw Cook in there. Colly, their best T20 batsman (after Morgan these days) was missing, but why do I get the feeling that KP is more than qualified to replace Colly? Oh wait, that's because he is!
Their bowling line up, with the exception of Swann, who I doubt would have been of much use at Centurion, was the same. Yet, when England won the first T20 because of the Saffers' stupidity and Sirs Duckworth and Lewis, follicle-less Nasser said that the Poms deserved to win because of the brand of cricket they had played. So please explain to me how the team that deserves to have their ass saved by rain one day, loses their skills the next. At what point in the game, did the Poms look even remotely interested to chase down the 240? But they must have wanted to because they had the BELIEF!
Cooky, the Saffers are really fantastic hosts. If you ask them nicely, they will scour the borders of Africa to find your team's 'lost' skills for you. But methinks the real skill that is lacking is caring about anything that is not the Ashes. So the hosts will keep on looking, but where will they find something that does not exist to begin with?
Unless you have BELIEF that it can be found. Then it should turn up.
What a fine example of honesty. He is quite the role model that Alastair Cook. Announcing to the whole world as captain that his team lost because of lack of skills. Notice, the skills seemed to have magically disappeared specifically in the second game against South Africa. As opposed to all the other times when England have boggled us with their ability to play thumping T20 cricket.
England's line up had KP, Trott, Morgan and just for the heck of it, I'll throw Cook in there. Colly, their best T20 batsman (after Morgan these days) was missing, but why do I get the feeling that KP is more than qualified to replace Colly? Oh wait, that's because he is!
Their bowling line up, with the exception of Swann, who I doubt would have been of much use at Centurion, was the same. Yet, when England won the first T20 because of the Saffers' stupidity and Sirs Duckworth and Lewis, follicle-less Nasser said that the Poms deserved to win because of the brand of cricket they had played. So please explain to me how the team that deserves to have their ass saved by rain one day, loses their skills the next. At what point in the game, did the Poms look even remotely interested to chase down the 240? But they must have wanted to because they had the BELIEF!
Cooky, the Saffers are really fantastic hosts. If you ask them nicely, they will scour the borders of Africa to find your team's 'lost' skills for you. But methinks the real skill that is lacking is caring about anything that is not the Ashes. So the hosts will keep on looking, but where will they find something that does not exist to begin with?
Unless you have BELIEF that it can be found. Then it should turn up.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Message from the beyond
Dear Grandpapa,
While we proudly bear the surname of Steyn, your utter shittiness in recent times have forced us into hiding. Since the break, you have bowled 38.5 overs, given 178 runs and picked up only 7 wickets. That is just fucking embarrassing. Them Onions boys are giving us stick and their grandfather does not even have a solid spot in his team.
Grandpa, we love you, we really do, but what the fuck was up with that spell today? SA was doing fine till you took the ball and then it started raining runs. We don't mind you getting hit by the Irishman, as alcohol binging, six producing monsters are loved by all, but Colly Buttniggle? He should have been choking because of captaincy woes. He probably was, till you gifted him those rubbish short balls.
All we are saying is you better shape up otherwise we won't be talking to you from our Land of the Unborn anymore. What will you tell your interviewers then? You are hardly interesting to talk to without your grand kids stories. Unless the topic at hand is the IPL.
Btw, can you make sure to mention in your next interview that your grand kids are suspicious of Mickey and Snapes having some deep discussion right next to Broad? Mickey better not be giving away team weaknesses again.
As always, Papa and Mama send their love. And Papa wants to know his birth date.
Don't be such a fucking disgrace okay? Love you!
While we proudly bear the surname of Steyn, your utter shittiness in recent times have forced us into hiding. Since the break, you have bowled 38.5 overs, given 178 runs and picked up only 7 wickets. That is just fucking embarrassing. Them Onions boys are giving us stick and their grandfather does not even have a solid spot in his team.
Grandpa, we love you, we really do, but what the fuck was up with that spell today? SA was doing fine till you took the ball and then it started raining runs. We don't mind you getting hit by the Irishman, as alcohol binging, six producing monsters are loved by all, but Colly Buttniggle? He should have been choking because of captaincy woes. He probably was, till you gifted him those rubbish short balls.
All we are saying is you better shape up otherwise we won't be talking to you from our Land of the Unborn anymore. What will you tell your interviewers then? You are hardly interesting to talk to without your grand kids stories. Unless the topic at hand is the IPL.
Btw, can you make sure to mention in your next interview that your grand kids are suspicious of Mickey and Snapes having some deep discussion right next to Broad? Mickey better not be giving away team weaknesses again.
As always, Papa and Mama send their love. And Papa wants to know his birth date.
Don't be such a fucking disgrace okay? Love you!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
England watch
These fools can't seem to keep themselves out of the news. It's not pleasant to have every god damn Crapinfo headline about these bunch of idiots. Then again, why am I suprised? It's Crapinfo. Based in UK and run by the freaking Queen!
Collingwood suffers buttock niggle
First of all, who comes up with these headlines and why can't they reveal themselves instead of using 'Cricinfo staff'? Second of all, notice the terms. It is one buttock and the injury is a niggle. What the fuck is a niggle? An ant bite? In which case, I must rename him Dolly. Poor, delicate Dolly is crying because he destroyed an ant hill and the mighty colony attacked him with tiny swords that gave him a niggle. The niggle has henceforth ruled him out the Champions League. For fuck's sake! If you are going to pull out of a series because of fatigue then say so! Or at least get a more respectable injury. Bloody Poms!
I am slightly grateful for the injury though. It's because of this line:
I did it just for you bro...just for you
Have any of you realized how the Crapinfo staff has sneakily used the term 'all-rounder' to describe Broad? Broad bats twice in the Ashes and he becomes an all-rounder. Next we'll be hearing that Graeme Swann is the new Shane Warne. What? I didn't say it! They did!
FYI Stuart, the person whose shoes you are trying to fill, that jellybean called Freddie, yeah he said that if he sustains another injury he will retire completely. If you are really trying to follow in his footsteps, you will do the same. Even if its a fucking niggle on your ass!
Collingwood suffers buttock niggle
First of all, who comes up with these headlines and why can't they reveal themselves instead of using 'Cricinfo staff'? Second of all, notice the terms. It is one buttock and the injury is a niggle. What the fuck is a niggle? An ant bite? In which case, I must rename him Dolly. Poor, delicate Dolly is crying because he destroyed an ant hill and the mighty colony attacked him with tiny swords that gave him a niggle. The niggle has henceforth ruled him out the Champions League. For fuck's sake! If you are going to pull out of a series because of fatigue then say so! Or at least get a more respectable injury. Bloody Poms!
I am slightly grateful for the injury though. It's because of this line:
Collingwood's injury is the same as the one which ruled out England all-rounder Stuart Broad from the Champions Trophy semi-final.
I did it just for you bro...just for youHave any of you realized how the Crapinfo staff has sneakily used the term 'all-rounder' to describe Broad? Broad bats twice in the Ashes and he becomes an all-rounder. Next we'll be hearing that Graeme Swann is the new Shane Warne. What? I didn't say it! They did!
FYI Stuart, the person whose shoes you are trying to fill, that jellybean called Freddie, yeah he said that if he sustains another injury he will retire completely. If you are really trying to follow in his footsteps, you will do the same. Even if its a fucking niggle on your ass!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Backing up my claims
I never lie.
Ravi, the Bollywood Clown.. how did the casting people of Bend it Like Beckham miss you?
Why didn't Ryan get the cool green hair?
Spot the real Nathan Bracken
Cameron White, The Albino Convict
Ravi, the Bollywood Clown.. how did the casting people of Bend it Like Beckham miss you?
Why didn't Ryan get the cool green hair?
Spot the real Nathan Bracken
Cameron White, The Albino ConvictThursday, August 20, 2009
The Ashes: Random thoughts
I won't do a full post on the Ashes because England is a joke and Australia is South Africa's arch nemesis. But I will share my random thoughts as I watch the game:
-I am excited about the 5th test...been waiting to watch a good test match since SA vs Aus last summer
-Australia seems to get wickets the minute I watch. Collingwood and Bell both fell soon after I sat in front of the television. Must remember this when Oz plays the Saffas and Bdesh.
-Ian Bell's 50 made me throw up first thing in the morning. Ricky Ponting is responsible for my loss of body fluid so early in the day. Must sue.
-I like Siddle. That dude can bowl. Too bad he is Australian.
-Strauss, Prior, Pietersen and Trott were all born in South Africa. They must be renamed as the South Africa B team. Might earn them more respect.
-Lilly Allen is at the game but Onions has been dropped. The cameraman kept the camera poised on her till she waved upon Warnie and Hussain's incessant begging. Warnie really needs to learn how to keep it in his pants.
-Swann...is...still...in...the...team. This time I died from laughter. Strauss and Flower will be compensating my family for the early loss of their beloved daughter.
-I am excited about the 5th test...been waiting to watch a good test match since SA vs Aus last summer
-Australia seems to get wickets the minute I watch. Collingwood and Bell both fell soon after I sat in front of the television. Must remember this when Oz plays the Saffas and Bdesh.
-Ian Bell's 50 made me throw up first thing in the morning. Ricky Ponting is responsible for my loss of body fluid so early in the day. Must sue.
-I like Siddle. That dude can bowl. Too bad he is Australian.
-Strauss, Prior, Pietersen and Trott were all born in South Africa. They must be renamed as the South Africa B team. Might earn them more respect.
-Lilly Allen is at the game but Onions has been dropped. The cameraman kept the camera poised on her till she waved upon Warnie and Hussain's incessant begging. Warnie really needs to learn how to keep it in his pants.
-Swann...is...still...in...the...team. This time I died from laughter. Strauss and Flower will be compensating my family for the early loss of their beloved daughter.
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