Save me

For I am cricket deprived.

So grave is my situation that just the other day, as I read the headlines on CP 24, I saw that English bowler Graeme Swann had cited the immediate need to rescue a cat in distress as the reason for his drunk driving. Obviously, seeing as this was a Canadian news channel, I thought I was hallucinating. Turns out Swannyg66 is indeed a chivalrious Puss in Boots and THIS is the news that the Canadians thought should go up on their headlines. Not Afridi boom booming all over the place, not Dhoni's sudden wedding, not even AB's CD release.

Cricket will never be taken seriously in this country.

Speaking of seriously, I am also so cricket deprived that I am seriously considering buying AB's album. Apparently, his songs are about cricket, inspiration, positivity, winning, dreams and everything that teenagers will scream and die for. Why AB wastes his time playing cricket, I don't understand. Surely, he should at least consider filling that 5th Backstreet Boy spot that's empty right now? That way, when my cricket deprivation has driven me to a permanent state of mental instability, I will be listening to 'songs' written by the Backstreet Boys on cricket. You know like: 'Quit dropping catches off my bowling', 'Larger than Jakes', 'I want Graeme that way...'.

Seriously, save me.

And while you are saving me, can you save Bangladesh cricket as well? I hear Crashraful is in the squad for the New Zealand tour...

Why I should be captain of Pakistan

Not all of this is true, but when the person who will be overseeing my reasons goes by the name of Butt, truth and lies are irrelevant. It's all about getting the job now and getting banned later.
Also, if you can correctly guess which Pakistani captains I am talking about you get something special.
I lie, you get nothing special.
You can't ban me either.

1) I have hair, lots of it. Some have suggested I should do laser hair removal on my head.

2) I have seen Clueless 50 times and totally identify with Alicia Silverstone, which essentially mean there is not much difference between me and Mohammad Yousuf.

3) I make my boyfriends on MSN. Some are from countries I have never even heard of but fear not, I have met all of them over lovely webcam dinners.

4) I was regarded highly as the class drama queen and my teachers would put up with anything I did.

5) I am willing to change my religion to be the captain of Pakistan.

6) I have five 'different' versions of the same speech. Like boys did well, boys did not do well, boys tried to do well, boys did very well and my favourite: boys did well.

7) I can keep wicket. More of us should be captains, if you ask me.

8) I have a nose.

9) I have a temper and I do not hesitate to use it.

10) Because everybody gets to captain Pakistan.

I didn't know that...

1) I dislike the Poms and the Pakistanis more than I dislike Australia. Otherwise today's win wouldn't have given me so much joy. It could also be that this was by far the best fucking game in the whole tournament though.

2) I want to own Shane Watson and hit him again and again, just to see THAT look on his face. I would invite all of you over as well for some dinner, drinks and then a game of smack the Lollipop Boy.

3) I don't like it when Michael Clarke plays T20, let alone captain a side.

4) Highlights could look so ghastly on anybody.

5) I am also one of those that never write Australia off till the game is done. I don't write Pakistan off either...off a loss that is.

6) Captains always don't need to lead from the front for the team to go through to the finals. Puppy and Colly have been in piss poor form, but taking all the credit. Specially Puppy boy. Fuck right off, you didn't do shit for your team!

7) Saffers are actually missing a lot of things from their side: a match-winner, a gutsy player, players that can turn things around for them at the blink of an eye, players that can play Ajmal...okay, I forgive them for the last one.

8) A team losing from a winning situation year after year, could still keep us entertained using the exact same tactics- cumulative brain loss.

Sequels always disappoint anyway

Last year, the match between Pakistan and South Africa was one that people were looking forward to. Everybody wanted to know if the Saffers were going to choke or finally make it to the finals of an ICC tournament. If they were going to choke it was going to be good comedy, if not then it was going to be good comedy as well...considering the other team was Pakistan and the events that usually unfold after almost all their tournament exits. Either way, it was a game we were going to enjoy and we knew it.

Saffers lost, people laughed and eventually Pakistan went to win the World Cup. High drama, tension, crazy Afridi moments, unpredictability and even a heroic attempt from Jacques Kallis. All the characteristics of the perfect summer blockbuster.

This year when the sequel inevitably came out, people were at two-minds about it. Neither the Saffers nor the Pakistanis were in form. Both teams were missing the point (the point being winning helps), both teams were being captained by unimaginative, hairy people but both teams were in a do or die situation. Saffers were slightly on top, as winning the match would at least give them a fighting chance regardless of who won the next one. Pakistanis needed to win AND have England win theirs.

Too many ifs, buts and whatevers. Too many players acting like they were auditioning for matches, rather than playing it. Too much green.

But people still hoped for a good match. Some were sure Pakistan was going to own SA again, others thought even a stuttering SA was too good for them. Yet others thought, why try to beat Pakistan when Pakistan can beat themselves?

Pakistan won the toss and batted first, like last time. They even started terribly. Then they consolidated and eventually reached a respectable score. The match was different, yet there was some familiar bits and pieces. Only, Botha didn't bowl like a dodo bird (ROFL replaced him) and Charl played Parnie's role, but better. Overall, the Saffers did more than okay with the ball, despite Umar Akmal trying to fluoroscent his way through the attack.

Then the chasing began and here was the difference between last summer's blockbuster and the sequel. Within the year Saffers had forgotten how to bat, specially their top three. AB replaced Jakes as this summer's hero; he even swore. But then, like every Saffa batsman these days, he got out the minute he started to clear the boundary. To the 'shitscoop' too. At least that's what Dilshan seems to have taught him.

JP got out before someone could blame him for slowing down his team again and the Saffers fell to yet another spinner, only it was Saeed Ajmal. Ultimately they lost and people happily called them chokers despite the fact that they have been doing the exact same thing in limited overs for about seven months now.

Yes, the differences had a familiar tone in this sequel. Hence, the changes didn't work, nobody was super excited and the match was not a blockbuster. Specially if you are a Saffa fan. But then the Kiwi-England match happened and people could happily forget the disappointing sequel.

Now the unpredictable Pakistanis are in the semis and still have a chance to retain their cup. If that happens, then there is sure to be a third part to this story, which will be even worse.

Remember the Matrix Revolutions?

And you thought it was all a joke

Jokes have been made about Afridi and how his hair is eligible for shampoo commercials. We laughed at the thought of Afridi swishing his hair in slow motion while somebody speaks about the benefits of the shampolo. We were sure that it was a unique idea conjured by us non-cricketers and would never cross Afridi's mind. Why would it? He is too busy leading his T20 side. Yes, this is Afridi being a captain. If he can smell a cricket ball to see how it was feeling, why can't he shit all over the captaincy to see how it looks on him? He can and he will!

He can also actually make a shampoo commercial. He has time, he doesn't play tests anymore. And of course he thought of the whole thing! Writing, direction, editing- all done by the great man. Right down to the little girl with her 'I heart Afridi' t-shirt. If you buy them along with the shampoo, Afridi will come and bite your balls for free.

But on the commercial, it has to be shown as giving an autograph. Poor Afridi is forced to hide his mental problems with a sane idea because of lawsuits and other such bullshit. We live in rubbish times.



Buy the t-shirt and the shampoo, even if you don't have dandruff. Then wait for Afridi. He just needs a few minutes to sharpen his teeth.

Question of the day

Why did Harsha call Afridi, 'Shahid bhai'?

Possible answers:

1) Afridi is actually his brother from another mother.

2) By making a brotherly connection, Harsha hopes to answer the question that is on everybody's lips

"Where did Harsha get all that hair?" It was always in the genes folks.

3) Harsha is just keeping him happy, so Afridi doesn't bite him.

4) Afridi is a Don and Bhogle works for him, specially when hair-raising crimes have to be committed.

Question of the day

Why didn't Mahmudullah bowl today?

Possible answers:

1) Mashrafe is actually captaining today's game

2) He isn't in Shakib's fantasy cricket XI

3) Ashraful said, "I am T20 National Cricket League's highest wicket-taker, what about you?" and Mahmudullah slumped into depression

4) Actually, Afridi is captaining Bangladesh today

Crashraful inches his way in again

The Bangladesh squad for WC T20 has been announced:

Shakib Al Hasan (capt), Mushfiqur Rahim (vice-capt/wk), Tamim Iqbal, Imrul Kayes, Mohammad Ashraful, Aftab Ahmed, Mahmudullah, Naeem Islam, Mashrafe Mortaza, Abdur Razzak, Shafiul Islam, Rubel Hossain, Syed Rasel, Suhrawadi Shuvo, Jahurul Islam (wk)

I would bitch and moan about the return of the midget monstrosity but I get the feeling no matter which team we pick, we have already lost it. In fact, I can predict the loss now.

We are playing Australia and Pakistan. This may be T20 and unpredictive but with Ricky no longer captaining Ozland and Shahid Afridi finally getting the position he has been vying for, I doubt we can do anything to win our matches. So I guess Raful can play. Probably in place of Kayes.

At least Mashrafe is back to bowl his stunning deliveries during the death overs. You know the ones that go so far over the boundary you need binoculars to spot them? Yeah those. Good times ahead!

Quote Unquote

From Crapinfo:

"No I was just trying to smell it, how it is feeling"

-Shahid Afridi's initial response when asked by ABC whether he was trying to bite the ball

Cricket Minded has contacted the ball, just out of curiosity, and the ball responded that at the time of the biting he was feeling slightly tensed and knotty. The bite released his pressure and he was getting ready to swing both ways. But then he was put back in the box, where he cried himself to sleep. Shahid Afridi owes the ball an apology for tantalizing him with his teeth and then getting him replaced.

From Crapinfo: 

"Perhaps he didn't appreciate the lunch he was given in Australia" 

-Graeme Smith on Shahid Afridi's ball-gnawing act which resulted in a two-match ban

Cricket Minded also asked Biff to clarify his statement. This, by no means is an attack on the culinary skills of Australians or the kitchen staff during South Africa's tour of Ozland. He was merely trying to say that he really is the best person to know about the food being served, as he ate most of it during their visit. Rumour has it that Biff stuffed a ton of vegemites in the trophy to take some home, but he did not confirm or deny these allegations. We found it our duty to let him know about the higher number of people who are below the poverty line in India, in the hopes that he won't leave the country in a drought. We would also like to offer the Indians an E-collar, just in case. 

Because Newton didn't eat the apple

Think about it. If Newton had just looked at the bloody apple and thought "Oooh food", generations of poor students wouldn't have had to go through the torture of learning about gravity. Including me.

Shahid Afridi bit the bloody ball. Now instead of ruining their brains with big text books, generations of physics students will go on youtube to watch the video and feel better about their small brains.

Microbiology students will write their theses on the number of bacteria, fungi and virus that now reside inside Afridi's mouth in a complex symbiotic relationship that may or may not give rise to a whole new class of microorganisms. Some of them flesh eating.

Most importantly, the next generation of Pakistanti cricket players will be inspired to come up with innovative ideas to tamper with the ball. Afridi merely took the brave fall of the first try. Others will learn from this and succeed. Maybe rub the ball against their stuble or sneez into it to give it shine.

So why make fun of the guy who bit into something red and round in clear sight of the whole world, to give us many happy hours? No, no, no. Mourn that Newton didn't do the same.

Ageless Afridi

My mother, who has no interest in cricket whatsoever, suddenly noticed Shahid Afridi on television today and was amazed that he was still playing. She knows Afridi because when I was young, older girls were crazy about him. Don't ask me why. I never saw what they saw, neither did my mother.

But she did know that Afridi should be of an age of partial retirement, if not completely gone from cricket. So I looked up his age, very sure that he was at least 32. But apparently, the man hasn't even hit his 30's yet. Mesmerized, I did a quick calculation.

When I was nine, Shahid Afridi was seventeen.
When I was ten, Afridi was seventeen.
And when I was eleven, Afridi was still seventeen.

This is how the eight years difference between us had been reduced to six. But I have some serious doubts about whether he was in fact seventeen the first time, in which case he should be at least 34.

But his body doesn't show it. Not a big surprise there, as he doesn't play tests. Regardless, it's freaking hilarious and such an 'aging woman with layers of makeup in denial' thing to do. At only seventeen too.

He seems to have celebrated his seventeenth birthday three years in a row in an attempt to appear young and play cricket for as long as he can. But then there is the beard in all its Pantene glory, making him look older. So he keeps the numbers low, but the looks wrinkled? Where is he going with this fucked up logic? Enigma? Honey, believe it or not, the world can do math.
Like they can tell you just by looking at your face that you will be bald by the time you are 36, which is in two years if we are to go by your real age. Then people will just call you a 32 year old baldy. Didn't think this through did you Boom Boom?

Needless to say Imran Khan is not pleased with Afridi's ageist behaviour.

Pakistan- the T20 specialists

I've been waiting to say that for a while now and even though it's unfair because the Kiwis played brilliantly, this is my chance and I refuse to let it go.

Pakistan can't play anything other than T20.

Even their people know it. They were outraged when Pakistan was excluded from the Champions League. But when they crashed out from the Champions Trophy, rather than focusing on the team they accused their captain of match-fixing. A match-fixing allegation for this one might still surface, I am watching the news closely. Maybe Younis Khan paid his team-mates to lose so the PCB can go crying to him again.

Their fast bowlers have been more than impressive, as is customary. Their batting, other than the Akmal brothers, was hideous. I say hideous because 9 of the wickets were on catches, 2 by the bowler and 3 by the wicket-keeper.

So what is it? Inexperience? But only 5 Kiwis in this team have played 20 or more test matches. That's one more than this Pakistani team. Even their man-of-the-match Bond, have played less than 20. And as for the conditions, well their bowlers didn't have any problems with it. And they are young AND inexperienced.

I say it's attention span. Any match more than four hours troubles the Pakistanis. Five days probably wants to make them tear their hair out. Or Shahid Afridi's. Whatever brings more joy.

Think I am full of shit? Go ahead, prove me wrong Pakistan. There are two more tests. Win the series and I will be the first one to say, 'Well what do you know? Pakistan can play tests after all!'. I am more likely to say "The Kiwis were shit and deserved to lose", but if you win, I'll make an attempt. There, now that it's written here, I can't even take it back.

Not that I would because once upon a time, nobody would have doubted a Pakistan win. But the Kiwis won and they were the bomb and Daniel Vettori should have a city named after him! After the series is won, we'll erect a school in that city titled:

'Dan's school for kids who want to Bat,Bowl,Coach,Captain and be a Selector without a magic wand'.

Needless to say I am going to be his first and most beloved student. You should enroll too.

Rare sight

I don't mean it in a sarcastic way. I mean it in a should be seen more often way. A picture of the Kiwis with a trophy.


Look at them. The trophy fits in so well with their awesome uniforms. It also looks fitting in Dan's hands, but we already knew that. Why is Dan sitting in front of the others though? While he is easily the best Kiwi in the world by all standards, I find it kind of fucked that he is hogging the limelight. Specially when Baz was the Man of the Series. It's becoming a trend with cricketers. Take away their positions or drop them from the team and all of a sudden they start performing. You know I'm just grumbling because I never liked Baz in the first place and now he is making me eat my words. Hmph!

I am also grumbling because I wanted to write a long post about Pakistan not being able to play anything other than T20 again, but stupid Aamer's fightback was brilliant and now I can't make jokes about it.

No, I can still take a jab at Afridi. Afridi is a big blob of beautiful hair. That's all he is. Instead of brains, he has shampoo and conditioner bottles stuffed in his skull. The days he performs, science puts it down as an inexplicable mystery and classifies it under the X-files. The file is not that thick either. Mostly, it has complex mathematics trying to decipher how Afridi defied the concept of age by remaining seventeen for years.

I feel better now.

Thank you, come again!

Grant Elliott's message to Pakistan. He was being a good host of course. Confused? Grant Elliot is a born Saffer who left the country in 2001. And you thought I only supported the Kiwis because of their badly-bearded, magnificent captain. Well, I didn't. They have the South African connection. Actually, I didn't know till a few hours ago that he was a Saffer, but I am going to pretend anyway. And don't you dare suggest that by that theory, I should be a supporting England as well. They went to the nation that thinks all of cricket is defined by one miserable urn...the contents of which are not even properly known! So it's not happening.

Right, back to Grant Elliott. How awesome is he? Playing the role of a stabilizer while the wickets were tumbling and then unleashing like the starving lions in my basement at the right time. Scoring 16 AMAZING runs off Umar Gul. Gul the fool had no answers to the belting. And he is supposed to be Pakistan's best death bowler. Beaten to a pulp by a Saffer. It warmed my heart and brought the temperature up to a wonderful zero degrees.

Clearly he was bowling out of his...

Let's spare some love for the Kiwis now. Ian freaking Butler...what a man! Actually he isn't. He has under 30 wickets in his career so far and was only selected for the team when 007 got injured. He was also the softie who sat out the first part of the tournament because of a stomach bug. But he got the wickets of Akmal, Malik AND Afridi. The three Pak batsmen that could have let loose all hell on the Black Caps. Yup, shown to the door by a Butler all right! Okay that was terrible. But the Kiwis won and I don't care.

Again, no New Zealand post will be complete without the mentioning of Dan the man. So here we go. Three great wickets, a promotion of himself up the order and 41 runs told us what we already knew. Dan is the most cleverest Kiwi alive. And he is the real Harry Potter. One day, Kiwis everywhere will fly because of him.

A similar picture to the one below, and the type of wicket that lead to this pathetically arrogant celebration has haunted me since the semi-finals of the T20 World Cup. Now it just makes me laugh. A psychotic laughter that Afridi can clearly hear. Hence the lack of joy in his expression.

Awkward

Too much love or just pure excitement? I'm going with too much love.

Btw, they beat Graeme and his many victims by a mile.