Steven Finn

I am about to make yet another traitorous confession: I like Steven Finn. And not because I foresee him crumbling under the pressure of being a frontline English pace bowler. I genuinely like him.

The fact that I also like Jimmy Anderson might have already told you that I have a thing for quality pace bowlers. Jimmy isn't always that fast, but I remember when he first came to the scene people were more excited about his looks and Beckhamish hair than his bowling. He didn't live upto the hype of course but then he learned to swing the ball and all of a sudden Jimmy was a new bowler. I like the fact that he failed, learned his lesson and came back with a bang.

Steven Finn is the man of the hour so I'm pretty sure I don't have to repeat his heroics from the last two days. I saw him bowl and I was pretty impressed with his ability to make the batsman play. Of course this is Division Two so I find all this excitement surrounding him and the Ashes a bit premature. However, he did pretty okay against Bangladesh. Took wickets, had a decent economic rate...basically fulfilled his duties as a backup bowler. But the Aussies are pretty pissed at the Poms so they may just kill the newbie. And that can't be good. Specially for me, since I am rarely excited about English pace bowlers.   

But so far, I like Steven Finn only for his bowling as he is yet to screw up as per Pommie tradition and make a comeback. Which means, I don't like him that much. Just the right amount for me to not bitch about him like I do about Broad. No wait, I bitch about Broad because I really dislike him and he is not a bowler.

This is confusing.

Let's just leave it at, I like Steven Finn. Fullstop.

Andy is upset

Andrew Strauss is reportedly upset about South Africa going to the press with the ball tampering allegations, rather than filing an official complaint.

Broady and Jimmy are also upset and actually said that they were lazy, rather than being 'naughty'.

If they were oh so innocent, wouldn't they have just brushed it off? Why would they admit to being lazy on the day that nearly lost them the test? It was hot you say? So why not stop the ball with the side of his feet, rather than stepping on it?

Barbie honey, your boots have spikes. Do you understand what they do? Maybe if I demonstrate by wearing them and step on your balls, you will have some idea.

And Jimmy was just shining the ball. Lovely Jimmy likes his things neat and clean. And picking at something with your nails shines it brighter than the sun.

Of course I wouldn't have paid attention to any of these had Michael Vaughan not said anything. But he did and I never doubt Michael Vaughan. He speaks the ultimate truth. Like, totally.

T3D5: FML.com

Today, I perved on Dale Steyn publicly on National T.V. Steyn has a girlfriend. FML.
-Submitted by Geoffrey Boycott

Today, I intentionally got caught by Ashy P but had to pretend to be sad in front of my fucktard captain who makes me do it all. FML.
-Submitted by Jimmy Anderson

Today, Bumble called me a good captain for putting Ashy P in a wicket-taking position. The idea had come from Boucher. FML.
-Submitted my Graeme Smith

Today, my good mate knocked me up. He uprooted my off stump. FML.
-Submitted by Jonathan Trott

Today, I scored a match saving 78 then got out at a most crucial time. Most people will remember how I got out. FML.
-Submitted by Ian Bell

Today, I defended 22 deliveries without scoring a run and then lost my wicket to the man who can't turn the ball. I was sure I was not out, then again in my mind I am never out. The umpire didn't think so. FML.
-Submitted by Stuart Broad

Today, I had to run from the toilet straight down the pitch. My captain wanted me to get a breakthrough. I took some magical drink for the second last over. I still didn't get a breakthrough. FML.
-Submitted by Dale Steyn

Today, I wanted Onions for dinner. The bastard didn't want to come home with me.FML.
-Submitted by Morne Morkel

Today, I had to defend my ass off to get my team a draw. I was successful but I am actually a bowler and my role is to pick up wickets. FML.
-Submitted by Graham Onions

Today, I won Man-of-the-Match. My team couldn't get the final wicket for the win.FML.
-Submitted by Graeme Smith

Today, I feel blue. Both my teams lost crucial matches. FML.
-Submitted by Cricket Minded

T3D4: Newlands, come get me

I slept through SA's batting days so highlights are all I have. But I really wish I was in Cape Town. Not only to watch the cricket live, but also to nap with those men who doze off during the most exciting sessions. That way, I would still have slept through SA's batting, but at least I would have been sleeping right next to the ball that Bouch hit for six. Or the one that JP hit.

Yep, JP hit a six. His starting was shaky but he realized that being a sensitive flower like Ian Bell is a bad career move. Having said that, I am refraining from commenting further on the sensitivity of Samantha because he is yet to bat and the Poms have been wonderfully adept at making me eat my words. Bastards!

With England three down, most people seem to think that the Saffers have won this. Even though I am hoping that they are right, the eternal pessimist in me is asking me not to celebrate yet. Trott's still there along with a very tired looking Jimmy. The Poms are determined to break Jimmy down in the manner of Flintoff, so he can play the next Ashes amidst numerous injections. He just looks like he wants to go home, soak himself in a hot bubble bath and hit the sack. Instead he has to stand in the middle with the boring Trott, trying to comprehend his Saffa accent as he speaks nonsense and wastes time. Poor guy!

Regardless, I demand Biff bat for England tomorrow till he gets his 200. What the fuck is the umpire doing not noticing the no ball? Evidently, Jakes should have been watching Onions' feet. So now both the UDRS and the batsmen's gotta do the on field umpires job. They just pretend to be there when actually, they are busy drooling over the sun-tanned girls around them. DO YOUR JOB!

If I was in Saffaland, in between the naps, I would have thrown banana peels at the umpires, just for fun. I would also have hit Jakes for getting out the way he did. And I would definitely have begged Cullinan to stop being a commentator. He is not good at it. He is not good at it at all.

T3D2: First good day

Not the perfect day but after that start, who would have thought SA would still come out on top in the end? Well again not really quite on top, but smothering England with half their body weight surely. And with Biff and Jakes in the side, the scale's already hit the limit.

Seeing as I love South Africa and love England even more, I have to mention that five out of the seven Pom wickets came because of stupid shots. Strauss, Bell, KP, Trott, Cook all played appallingly to lose their wickets. I fell out of the couch laughing at the Bell shot! Oh Samantha...you were on 48 and you decided to go typically Bell. And KP's wicket was the funniest shit I had every seen. It seems that KP's weaknesses are spinners and his own over confidence. What I didn't realize was that the combination of the two would delude him into think Steyn was a spinner and play him like one. Fucking dumbass! And oh Mascaraman, aren't you the great one who had saved your career? Even after scoring 65 runs, you go out like a wuss. BAHAHAHA!

But let's not take anything away from Morne and Dale. I can finally breathe because the chipmunk seems to be back on form. All that hatred and nasty thoughts paid off! I always knew Morne was going to be fucking awesome. He can thank me later for the door-to-door campaign by picking up a fifer tomorrow. Friedel didn't get a wicket but he was dead accurate most of the time (Polly, we may have found your replacement!). For all the rubbish that Jakes bowled, he still had the lowest economic rate- another testament to Pom batsmen. JP was JP and Paul was...well a South African spinner. Sigh, it was nice while it lasted.

Swannyg66 is there and as much as I would like to think so, this is not over yet. Prior seems in good form and unless the Saffa bowlers bowl like Jimmy did this morning they might still get away. Damn that Jimmy! He was unplayable and I can't even hate him for it! Well he is friends with Swanny, so maybe I can a little bit.

Back to the relevant stuff. It's always a good thing when Morne and Dale are our top wicket takers because they are each others' competition, which means they will try that much harder. Of course, we can't relax even if England are out soon tomorrow because the top/middle/lower Saffa order may collapse on their own.

FML.

T3D1: Dictionary of Saffa batsmen

Graeme Smith: Extremely lucky till he goes to lunch and inhales everybody's share of the food. Today, he ate Jimmy's dessert. Jimmy stuffed his locker with bitter lemon ice cream and sent him back to stuff his face some more. (Graeme didn't eat it as it was fat-free).

Ashwell Prince: Epic cockhead who likes to sit in the dressing room and watch the game for the first two days. Likes to act shocked upon losing his wicket. He's only fooling Procter, no one else.


Hashim Amla: Tries to get in a couple of fours and good shots before inevitably falling leg before to the same bowler he smashed. Hash is a kind and loving individual who can't bear to watch other people in misery. Needs to be sent to boot camp to learn how to translate his skills into utter destruction of bowling attacks that have Barbie.

Jacques Kallis: (Needs a couple of volumes to be described accurately) Targetted to be Jimmy's bunny. Jimmy even bought a pink rabbit suit for him, but Jakes prefers to reply with centuries. Just don't be wooed by Jimmy tomorrow okay Jaksey?

AB de Villiers: Biff's understudy. Might be secretly in love with Biff's shockingly bad shots. Needs to get over himself and not make mistakes that cost him his wicket at crucial times. That's thrice in three tests now shithead.

JP Duminy: Gave Swannyg66 two wickets in two balls. Got my hopes up in the beginning of the season and then went on to become South Africa's Ian Bell. If he had hair, I would have shaved it off. What the hell, I'll shave his head anyway. 

Mark Boucher: Thankfully, Jakes' understudy. Saving Saffers with his best friend since the beginning of time. Is shockingly still single, even after hitting Swann for three consecutive fours. Girls in Saffaland have bad taste I tell you.

Dale Steyn: Has found his new calling. Will open the batting for South Africa by the end of the year surely.

Kevin Pietersen: Rejected, hated and ridiculed but still has his heart set in Saffaland. Misfielded duly to let Bouch have his fifty and picked up the ball to bowl short and allow his lover to get a hundred. Looked away from the camera to hide his glee while clapping for Jakes. Still rejected, hated and ridiculed.

Cricket is ruined

WHY GOD WHY?

You allowed the rain gods to grant the Poms a victory. I sulked, but accepted it.

You gave Graeme Swann wickets. I avoided it with great pain, but I accepted it.

Then you gave Swann runs. I narrowly escaped life-long coma trying to avoid that, but somehow I managed.

England drew the first test, I sighed. But accepted it.

Alastair Cook got a century, I was asleep so didn't have to see the atrocious occurence. Then he got out, so again, I accepted it.

Ian Bell is 55 not out and they have a 43 run lead. My new watch is resting in peace but I still accepted it.

Now Watson has a test century...you have snatched everything away from me! I AM RUINED! Left with no more humour in my life. Only painful tears like those in Sarah Palin's eyes. I am shattered, distressed, crooning to Barry Manilow songs. My days are dark and dreary. Which cricketer will I make fun of now?

Can Mascarenhas replace Jimmy please?

T2D1: Biff is Watto's only friend

The first half-an-hour of the day was fucking nerve-wrecking. James Anderson and Graham Onions kept on giving me a heart-attack with every delivery. But I do appreciate good bowling, as long as it is not coming from Stuart Broad or Graeme Swann (smirk). It was fun to watch. Except when Ashy P and Hashim Amla decided they have had enough for the day. What the fuck are the selectors thinking keeping Ashwell Prince in this game? Do South Africa not have a test opener?

No wait, they do. His name is Herschelle Gibbs. Even when he is out of form he is a thousand times better than Ashy P and Neil McKenzie. And with Graeme Swann taking majority of the wickets (groan), surely they need their best player of spin in the team to talk some sense into them? Fucking Mickey and his pea brain.

I have to mention Biff's run out. He was trying to take some of the heat off Watto it seems. It was not as poetic as Watto's but damn, when was the last time you saw a gigantic buffalo take a dive? I swear there was an earthquake till Canada. Of course it was AB's fault for hoping that his precious captain was as quick on his feet as him. Son, Jesus walking on water was fine and all but Biff taking a quick single? Now that would take some skill.

JP is killing me. He really is.

Did Geoffrey Boycott actually say that Biff's run out by Cook was like Jonty's? Oh poor man! I think he is becoming senile. They were wondering when Cook was going to dive...HAHAHAHAHAHA. Honey, he don't dive. He just bats his eyelashes and the wickets fall. His own.

Silence

Because I don't even know if this performance is post-worthy. Where do I start? The toss? The decision to bat first? The actual batting? Not even trying to at least put in a decent bowling performance?

I stopped watching after the 6th Saffa wicket fell. Particularly because I didn't want to break my t.v. at 5am in the morning. Also because I couldn't believe I had stayed up in anticipation to watch this.

The Saffers looked like no one had told them that they had a match today. They showed up to the batting crease somewhat dazed from the early morning start but faking confidence. Then as the wickets tumbled, they tried to pretend it was a bad dream that would pass if they hurried back to the pavilion and just got over with it.

I physically wanted to hurt JP Duminy. Not that I would, because I love him. But I wanted to so bad that I considered being dramatic and putting a hole through my wall. Did he actually play that shot? It was wayy to early in the morning and I was half asleep, so someone please tell me. If you are a psychologist I would also like to know what would drive someone to play that shot. He better be kicking himself. Actually I hope right now, the whole team is having a huge kick-fest. Because that's what they deserve. It was just so fucking embarrassing! Even Bangladesh has never embarrassed me like this. And that's saying something!

Tim Bresnan bowled 8 overs and gave 15 runs. Tim Bresnan! Even the Poms are not sure why he is in the team. And the whole time the Saffers looked dumbfounded with his bowling, as if no one had taught them how to face a bowler in their life!

Do I even want to mention Alviro Peterson's 50? No I don't. Because that would be pretending that he was a positive in this fucked up batting performance. There was not a single positive from this game, NONE. Because they were a fucking disgrace and deserve every bit of the humiliation they are feeling right now. I mean seriously...HOW? How did they even come up with this performance? I have no words.

Yeah, yeah, Jimmy was brilliant. Whatever. I never said he wasn't good.

The worst part is, I am still rooting for the Saffers to win the last ODI and at least draw the series. Fucking loyalty causing me stress!

Head-to-head

At long last the England tour of SA has started. The T20 games were just a tease. THIS is the real deal. The reason I won't feel bad for not studying for exams and then tearing my hair out. It's all worth it. Especially if the Saffas win.

I don't make predictions when it comes to my own team...because they usually go badly (remember the Champions Trophy/Champions League? sigh!). But I will tell you who I am looking forward to watching in the upcoming series.

1) Jimmy vs Dale: One has a kid, one has imaginary grand kids. Both can swing the ball but both have been erratic as of late. Jimmy a little less than Dale, but he has the knee to blame...and tiring wars with Swann on twitter. I am going to say something traitorous right now that you all will read and promptly forget: I like Jimmy as a bowler. He is the only Pom that I can tolerate. Shocked, dazed, forgotten? Good. Moving on...

2) Strauss vs Buffalo: As much as Graeme looks like a buffalo, Strauss is the one with cow brains. And I reject the hypothesis that cows are intelligent animals. They are inferior to buffaloes anyway. Strauss is one of those players I dislike, despite knowing that he is a good cricketer. His captaincy, I feel, is yet to be proven. He didn't do anything revolutionary in the Ashes. There was no need with the Aussies being determined to beat themselves. But he does seem to be able to bring out the best in his players unlike his deputy. Graeme's team is great to begin with, so he has very little to do with them being awesome. But he is contributing regularly as a batsman these days which helps. Plus, I am really hoping Strauss gets a cramp and Graeme decides to break ICC rules and give him a runner...on the condition that the runner is Owais Shah!

3) Swann vs ROFL: This is the only reason I want Swann to recover fast from his injury. Just to prove that ROFL is far more interesting than him and a better spinner. I get this feeling ROFL is the only individual that can convince Swann to give up twittering with his psycho-like expressions. If that doesn't work, we can always depend on the alien living inside ROFL to show Swann the finger and tell him that he sucks.

4) Albie vs Eoin: I also like Eoin Morgan, but only because of his background. I am incapable of hating on anybody with any relation to Ireland. It's Bono. He has clouded my judgement. All I want to see is who can hit the ball further. The one that hits a six all the way to Canada is going to have a glacier named after them. Albertus Glacier. Sounds like a nice peace offering from the Canadians to the Romans.

5) KP vs Trott: Who will make a better effort to secure a place in Vaughan's next book? Who will stand up to the booing crowds better? In fact, who still holds the interest of the Saffers enough to be made fun of, which Flower is sure they are waiting to do? Something tells me no one is winning this one.

Captain Mascaraman

Distressingly, I did not get to watch Mascaraman as captain while England was fielding and the highlights are not up yet. But I did get to watch the post-match presentation and he was too busy blushing, smiling and batting his eyelashes at Kass Naidoo to give a coherent answer. If you don't know what she looks like, click on that link. She's hot. Taken, but hot.

So Mascaraman as captain got properly fucked today. Loots Bosman and thankfully Graeme Smith (I say thankfully because he seems to be becoming consistent with the bat again..about time!) smashed the Poms till they begged for 'no more'. Adil Rashid and Kevin Pietersen, unable to let their Mascaraman go through this torture alone, volunteered to take a bit of the hammering.Even Joe Denly got to make his bowling debut. He broke the record tumbling partnership between Bosman and Smith but god damn, this is like the wicket-keeper giving his gloves to someone else to come bowl. Hmm, where have I seen that before?

England lied, they lied big time. Before today's match the headlines were all about how the Poms were going for their first trophy of the series. You are telling me they REALLY thought that the way to go about that was to make Mascaraman captain and send KP instead of Morgan when Cook fell and the run rate was like 15? Nope. They never wanted to win. They lied. What are they teaching their kids?

Speaking of Cook batting, is it just me or does he never look settled even after hitting a couple of boundaries? What a funny fucker! Kepler Wessels said it best. Mascaraman was on fire, hitting fours every delivery and Wessels goes like "He's not considered very good at the shorter form of the game, Alastair Cook". I know one person who clapped in glee at this comment-Jimmy Anderson, who was also trying to show his captaincy skills as per photographic evidence:

Mascaraman is a little bitch! I am the next captain of England!

I will introduce you to Kate Moss, don't listen to Jimmy

But I want to be captain too!

How wildly entertaining the Poms are. But KP and his switch hit was the funniest shit ever. KP jumping like some 1930's bad action hero and watching the ball hit the stumps. I couldn't find a picture of the exact moment, but this will do nicely.


In case you didn't know, his wicket was picked up by my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. I am still working on the adoption papers.

I love an English humiliation. Specially when the Saffa boys are all brilliant. I am so relieved that Dale and Albie (yes ALBIE!) picked up wickets. Although they continue to look disinterested in getting wickets during the middle overs. And I seem to have jinxed Duminy with my 'year of JP' talk. Feck!

James Anderson wants to be Mashrafe Mortaza

Poor Jimmy. He can't believe that he has been passed over for the vice-captain position. He really felt that he deserved it and is upset at the ECB for shattering his dreams to be captain of England one day. You see, when Jimmy grows up, he wants to be just like Mashrafe Mortaza.

Mashrafe Mortaza is everything Jimmy claims or aspires to be.

1) He is the spearhead of Bangladesh's pace attack.
2) He is quick, aggressive and a match-winner at his peak.
3) He is also a handy nightwatchman.
4) He cost KKR $600,000.
5) He is the captain of Bangladesh.

If another fast bowler can lead his team, asks Jimmy, why can't he? He puts it down as 'regionalism' i.e. something to do with the fact that he is from the Northern part of England. I would like to say this is the funniest shit I've heard in a while, but my mouth is currently wide open in laughter.

The Poms are like the joke that keeps on giving.

Operation Hunt Swann

This picture came courtesy of Ceci and Mel over at Swanning About. They love Swann and I think they are awesome, hence I am going to triple my efforts at this operation because their awesomeness should not be wasted on this tambourine-playing, Viagra addict. Btw, if you haven't been to their site yet, you cannot hang out with the cool kids. So get over there now.

The origins of this picture will be known to those of you who follow James Anderson on Twitter (shudder!). For those who don't, Jimmy said Swann had a big chin and posted a picture of him, which by the way was from the cover page of Wisden Cricketer this month. Just when I had put them in my good books. Needless to say, they have been scratched.

So Ceci, Mel and Photoshop came together to present Exhibit A, before Swann sues Jimmy for defamation of looks.

Behold: Pelican Swann (all inbred jokes are welcome)

It's very becoming of him, specially since his nickname is also Chin. So I don't understand what he is shaking his head at. How is he able to do it with his chin weighing him down anyway? One of his 21,000 twitter followers must be shaking it for him. Anyway, bottom line is Swann has a big chin and men with big chins were meant to rot in the flames of mediocrity. Just ask Graeme Smith.

If you read a little past the bottom line, what I am really trying to say is you should not be loving a man whose lower half of the face alone is eligible to become a new continent.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Broad down, none to go

Nobody realized that every player I dislike has been injured during the course of the Champions Trophy. I tried to give hints. I said it on KK's site. I even put up a complete list of injuries (before Clarke, Ryder and Broad) and people still didn't put it together.

Go read the comments section. I admitted to injuring Yuvraj and said Ryder was next on the list. Who was the next to go? Ryder. Then KK asked me to injure Broad.

Who has been injured now?

Stuart Broad. More specifically, Stuart Broad's left buttocks. I did it for my friends. I am loyal like that.

Although I must admit that I was not looking to injure that particular area. I was just chasing him with a knife,wearing a mask. He tripped over Tim Bresnan and Graeme Swann, doing something naughty in the dark, and landed on top of Jimmy. Who bit him, thinking he was a tall box of golden, crispy fries. That tightness that he is complaining about, it's Jimmy's plaques. They tend to hold on like bitches.

Still don't believe me? Here:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/cricket/2661969/Broad-injury-is-tush-and-go.html

No need to thank me.I know, you are "tushed". I can't blame you. I am a lovely person after all.

Stuart Broad Interview

Oh the horror! I don't know what this interview is in regards to or why it is even on the the Daily Mail but it has fallen upon us and we must deal with this torture.

First of all, the title:

It's a man's world: Stuart Broad

When did Stuart Broad stop being a boy and why didn't I get the memo? Oh wait, he didn't!


See, that's him then and now. No difference. Don't deceive us with wrong information Daily Mail. We got all excited because we thought we could finally punch him in the face and not get arrested for child abuse. Alas, it is not to be!

Second of all, the picture:


He is wearing lipstick and chucking. His expression says 'constipation' and his suit is all crumpled. You should stick to tutus Stu. See, it's even a part of your name!

Third of all, the interview:

Bespoke is best. I'm 6ft 6in with a 38in inside leg, and I have all my suits hand-made by a tailor in Manchester called Nicholas Jones. So far he's made me a grey suit with a blue pinstripe, a black one with a gold pinstripe and a dinner suit with a white silk lining. The quality is fantastic. Several of the Manchester United players use him, too.

Picture this: A golden haired child with makeup wearing a black suit with gold pinstripe. Puke? Indeed. But that's not his true style. No, it isn't Pixie wear either.

Most of the time I wear a hoodie and jeans, but if the option presents itself I smarten up. I like to look smart but I prefer feeling comfortable. Adidas often let me rummage around in their vintage cupboard. Justin Timberlake always looks cool. But then he's the right size to wear cool gear? I've been forced to stop wearing my Gucci necklace. I used to play in it, but it kept hitting me on the chin when I bowled.

Justin Timberlake is cool. He is cool because he grew into a man while you grew into the next Tinker Bell. They make cool gear for tall people. If it looks dorky, it's because of your face!
Also, Adidas keeps you there because it's probably at the back where no one can see you and consequently turn away from the store.

I've been labelled the vainest member of the England team ? but it's just not true. James Anderson was the culprit but I think he was covering up for himself. He likes to claim he's stylish, but his wife dresses him. Ian Bell and Kevin Pietersen spend the most on clothes. KP can be loud but that's his personality coming out.

We do not need to know about Jimmy's dressing habits. We already know he wets himself...it doesn't matter what he is wearing at the time.
We have finally solved the mystery of Ian Bell's ghastly batting. He is too busy buying clothes rather than practicing. Too bad they don't make any piece of clothing to cover hideous faces. Bell could sure have used that.
KP has a loud personality. In other words he is not 'sophisticated' like the English. Give it up you reject. Even the fairy won't believe you...and they are myths themselves!

I have a thing for watches. I've got a TAG Heuer Carrera for everyday wear but I'm planning to invest in a Franck Muller. I love square faces and different designs. Mind you, I'm supposed to be saving for the deposit on a house. My single most expensive item is a Dolce & Gabbana suede jacket. It was about £500 ? not outrageous, but my mum would probably be shocked at me spending that much. I've never gone mad but there's time.I'm only 21.

'I've never gone mad but there's time'...I applaud his ambitions. When I grow up I want to be just like Stuart Broad. Promote consumerism and help the industry that thrives on child labour.


Once, I bought a couple of Christian Audigier's Ed Hardy T-shirts. They're based on tattoos but the ones I got are a bit glittery, and are still in the wardrobe with their tags on. I was with Matt Prior at the time so I blame him covering up for himself. He likes to claim he's stylish, but his wife dresses him. Ian Bell and Kevin Pietersen spend the most on clothes. KP can be loud but that's his personality coming out.

Yes, that's a repeat of the last answer. He either suffers from short-term memory loss or it was a misprint. Either way, he buys glittery t-shirts and keeps them in the wardrobe. Somewhere inside Broad's closet there is a glittery, blond man just dying to come out.

I don't own an overcoat. Cricketers spend a lot of time in warm climates so I've never bothered. I get caught out on the odd occasion usually during the English summer.

I don't understand this answer. Is the English weather that miserable that they need an overcoat even in the summer? Why is it even relevant to know whether Broad owns a coat or not?

Fast bowling puts a lot of strain on the body. Something like ten times your body weight goes through your feet during delivery. We get maybe 50 days a year without cricket, and there's a lot of fitness training, too. Weights and gym work.
I bowl right-handed and bat left-handed. I get confused playing snooker, which is probably why I'm not that good.

Someone please explain to me what Stuart Broad knows about 'fast' bowling. He is neither Dale Steyn nor Brett Lee. Where is the 'fast' part coming from?You are not that good at cricket either. What excuse do you use for that? Your half-formed brain?

I was a naked centrefold. I stripped for charity in a women's mag with Jimmy Anderson and Alastair Cook. There were eight women in the studio. I was expecting it to be more closed off. Thankfully, the banter got me through it.

If my charity was offered three hairy, clothe less, ineffective cricketers, I would throw them down the garbage chute. Just because it is charity does not mean you are going to offer them the cheapest thing you can find.

Does anyone else find it hilarious that Broad is holding the bat with 'Boss' written on it? He tries so hard, that poor little mofo.

The Ashes: Random thoughts 2

-Australia didn't have a good day. The only reason they got wickets is because England played shit and Siddle bowled well. So unless they pick up, England might win this.

-If England wins this, it will be the biggest tragedy in the history of test cricket. Why? Because The Poms are shit.

-Swann and Anderson are at war on Twitter. Anderson posted a pic of Swanny stating he has a side profile of a witch to which Swanny replied that Jimmy wet himself today. Here's hoping the Pommies are too distracted by their war to concentrate on..wait..what is it that they are doing right now? Oh yes, playing for the freaking Ashes. Now do you agree that this prestigious cup should not go to these circus clowns?

-Andrew Flintoff is a glory hunter therefore I am very pleased that he got only 7 runs. Kato and Wato must spoil his grand finale further by scoring tons. Not that Wato is capable.

-Cook and Hussey either have suicidal tendencies or are really good entertainers in the change room. Why are they still playing?

-Does nobody realize while shaking hands with Ricky that they have been spit on a million times that day? When he retires, he can consider a career in germ spreading.

Twittering Cricketers

Is possibly the funniest thing on the web since sliced bread. They have also surprisingly revealed the personalities of certain cricketers exactly as I pictured them. Here are my deductions and conclusions:

Phil Hughes (PH408): is just a little kid after all! He famously outed his exclusion from the third test on Twitter. But he wasn't punished because apparently the timing of the tweet proved that he wrote it after the selectors had already made the final eleven public. Me thinks he showed up with a lollipop in his mouth, said he is 'thorry' and batted his long lashes at Merv Hughes. Of course the fact that they have the same last name had nothing to do with Phil getting away with it. Since the incident, Phil's only had one mundane tweet about the weather being lovely for cricket. Somebody tell him that the saying 'When in Rome' should not be practiced in England. Otherwise we might all become tea sipping, stuffy shirts with bad teeth while visiting the lovely Kingdom.

Chris Gayle (henrygale): is an arrogant twat. I came across him on Twitter during the war between WIPA and WICB. Gayle's tweets were all about how the bosses were playing hardball and of course once the series was lost, he could not help being smug about it. But wait, it gets worse. He then went on to write about his gym sessions where he called his chest 'super duper'! Chris Gayle doesn't need cricket, his super duper chest earns him money.

Which he spends at the Reggae Sumfest and parties at Negril. Fans on twitter (and twitter only) have been asked to join him at the Negril party next year. I suspect if you do, you will get a first hand view of his super duper chest and abs. He will then offer you different kinds of shades all of which will make you look worse than him, since you know, Chris Gayle is the coolest man alive.

Proven by the fact that he has better football skill than Brian Lara. And as we all know, Lara is the best footballer in the history of West Indies Cricket. It's how he scored his many double, triple, quadruple hundreds...with his feet. But despite all of that, the huge crowd at Oval was there to see the big striker-CHRIS GAYLE! He rewarded his fans by scoring 1 goal out of 6 chances. The performance was as epic as the sinking of the Titanic.

James Anderson (JimmyAnderson9): is English. Plain and simply DULL. If you want to know what Jimmy's daughter does at 6am, what he had for dinner and how his wife sounds, by all means follow his Twitter page. The only tweet that deserves some attention is the one where he announces to the world how his irresponsible wife managed to lock their 7 months old daughter and the car keys in the car for an hour and consequently traumatized the kid. Excellent Jimmy. Way to alert social services. Of course if he keeps these kinds of tweets up his wife will eventually leave him and he will be portrayed as yet another cricketer who was a victim of a gold-digger. That will traumatize the daughter further. Note to all future psychiatrists: if you are treating Miss Anderson for various psychological disorders the root of her problems lie in the facts that her father is a horrendously daft twitterer and her mother thinks that a 7 months old can unlock the car and let her in, on the occasion that she leaves her keys inside.

The most fascinating part of Jimmy's twitter page is the fact that he has 12,477 followers. This right here is the reason why England won't come out of the recession. They are too busy learning that Jimmy Anderson is currently watching the last two episodes of season 7 of 24. Without this knowledge, the English would regularly cry themselves to sleep.