Give the win to West Indies

The Saffers batte(d) brilli(a)ntly, the(r)e is no doubt about that. The top o(r)d(e)r is fi(n)ally making me smile again.

Although, Ha(s)h's brilli(a)nt batting (m)akes (m)e want to punch the selectors in the face, I am going to put a restraining order on m(y)self. I am just happy that they are winning.

(D)(a)ve Mille(r) (r)(e)mi(n)d(s) me of (a) young AB, although let's not ju(m)p on that bandwagon yet. It's only his first series. I a(m) slightl(y) concerne(d) however, (a)bout what this means for Albie. If Alvi(r)o and Dave a(r)(e) firi(n)g it up, I fear Albie is going to be left out of the squad. Yet, I still have high hopes for that man.

JP ha(s) fin(a)lly been dropped, (m)uch to (m)(y) joy. Shut up, he needs it.

I am mo(d)er(a)tely satisfied with the bowling. They a(r)e bowling innume(r)ous wid(e)s. Maybe the heat is making them halluci(n)ate, maybe I am ju(s)t missing the bigger picture, m(a)ybe I a(m) being too picky. Actually fuck that. Fro(m) two matches, the(y) have 18 wi(d)es comp(a)(r)ed to West Indies' 12. That's an a(r)(e)a of concer(n). Lop(s)y is (a)lso an area of concern. Honey, when you are co(m)peting with Wayne Parnell and Ryan McLaren, I would say what you are doing in this series is (m)aking sure (y)ou never get picke(d), ever (a)gain. Thankfully, Johan Botha in the othe(r) end is b(r)inging a lot of joy in my life. Saff(e)rs may have a spi(n)ner...I can hardly believe it! No, I won't believe it till you come smack me. Easy now, you will have to fly to Canada first.

I can happily overlook the fielding mishap(s) bec(a)use (m)ost of the(m) were made by m(y) favourite Buffalo. Who cares about misfiel(d)s when you c(a)n happily make jokes and stick it into his big chin. I have also just (r)ealized that he can loose as much weight as he wants, his head will (r)(e)mai(n) gigantic. Meaning, more ammo for me. Life is indeed very good and shallow.

But ye(s), despite (a)ll this, let West Indies have this win. Not because that will (m)ake this series interesting and not because SA played a(m)azingly well and then nearl(y) lost it. But because of the man who hit (D)(a)le Steyn fo(r) two consecutive sixes and became a beacon of hope in this so(r)ry ass W(e)st India(n) team. The only man in maroon to believe.

I found it only fitting to put his name all over this post. 

Threeway

A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

The good, the bad and the mushy

The good:
-Saffers won comprehensively. Also qualifies under "the shocking".
-Saffers found form, specially AB and Albie. Another "the shocking".
-Morne bowled well in a T20 match (man I should just rename this the shocking!)
-Botha coming out of his mourning period since the loss of his doosra and bending his elbows in new and legal ways to deceive the Sumo himself!
-One eyed Charl.
-Saffers finally figuring out where to use Albie...the 15th over. The melted brains work after all.
-Dan the man showing emotions by shaking his hips mid-air. The dude can also dance, I may just have to clone him.
-The Kiwis still making a match out of it ( I do like them you know)

The bad:
-Albie still bowling.
-Jakes and his wonderful strike rate of just a little above hundred. What happened to the IPL form old man?
-Jakes' hairline receding even further! "Boucherzel, Boucherzel, lend him your hair".
-Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL getting dropped, coming on as a sub AND misfielding! This allowed bastard Buffalo to insult ROFL by calling on Dale, whom ROFL had subbed. Dale was suspiciously tying the strings of his pajamas at that time.
-Ross Taylor being shit. 
-Saffers building themselves up to be favourites before the tournament is done again...

The mushy:
-My Hersch replacing Bosman.
-My Hersch hitting fours.
-My Hersch hitting sixes.
-My Hersch taking stunning catches.
-My Hersch ensuring his place in the side for the rest of the games.
-My Hersch fielding like a fucking genius.
-My Hersch inspiring this awesome post over at Cricbuzz.

Dear God, I know I am not your favourite child but PLEASE make sure Gibbsy retains this form and plays till I am dead.

Thank you.

Let the losing begin

Alright, lost against India, won against Afghanistan. So far, exactly how I had predicted. Good, good. Although if you thought that was a good performance from the Saffers, look again. They lost a lot of wickets. Of course, credit should be given to the Afghans because Hamid Hassan is a fucking awesome bowler and Nabi, well Nabi can bowl a doosra!

The bowling was amazing, but let's not get carried away. Afghanistan's batting isn't really all that great. Short means out. Every single time.And Morne bowls short. Every single time. Think the sumo won't send those balls to South Africa? Think again.

Also, spare a thought for the other Morkel. His balls are sent to the heavens even when he is bowling against Afghanistan. I hope Albie's child has officially abandoned all hopes of becoming an all-rounder. Especially if he is about to get bowling lessons from his dad. Won't matter anyway. Ever generation of batsmen will be taught that the Albie man can bat sometimes, but can't bowl for shit. Hit him and his decendants into oblivion.

The Saffers did kill today but still managed to embarrass themselves in the process. They lost wickets regularly, they had a fabulous start and then allowed the tail to make runs. It's their tradition and they are very big on tradition, them Saffa boys.

Next they meet the Kiwis, Pakistan and England. I'm assuming they will uphold the tradition. Problem is, these teams are not Afghanistan, although Laden probably has family living in two of those countries. They are either good at T20 or have beaten the Saffers in limited overs cricket pretty solidly before. Unless the Saffers have figured out how to play Afridi and Ajmal (which is not bound to happen till my great-grand children are on this earth) or how to contain Eoin Morgan (yeah right!), be prepared for a Saffa exit.

Okay fine, I won't be so negative. The Saffers will go through to the semis and lift the cup amidst fireworks and that dramatic song they play in the beginning of all the matches! Then I will fall in love with the Buffalo and we will produce lots of babies who will all captain South Africa, one by one.

Oh, and Laden will dance at our wedding.

Seriously?

Those of you who watched Gilly and Gibbs bat will be saying the same thing.

Seriously?

There was once a 80 something year old woman crossing the street with groceries, shuffling quickly so she could reach the other end  before the sign changed. She moved faster than Deccan's scoreboard in the whole match.

Seriously.

Ideally, these two players would not have played in the semis. But they did because Gilly is the captain and you can't drop the captain for bad form (But honestly, you should be allowed to in important matches!) and Gibbsy got a game purely because of his big-match kaboom reputation. It was a stinky, big-match kapoop performance.

Chennai bowled exceptionally well, but Deccan batted like cripples who have been further hindered by the neighbour's dogs latching onto their backside. Behind every unsuccessful Deccan batsman, there is a giant fucking labrador.

Seriously.

Now, Chennai are in the finals facing Mumbai and I am miserable. I dislike both teams and want neither to win. But if I HAD to pick (because of the same ass-grabbing labradors), I would go for Chennai. It was simply a case of who I hate more, Durby or teams that dress like Australians. Turns out Durby takes the cake. A big one. Smack on his face.

Unfortunately, I am cursed so this means Mumbai will win and I will frown ever so slightly because really, the best part of this IPL final is the fact that the T20 WC starts in seven days. IPL is O-V-E-R.

Seriously.

Morne's growth as a bowler

Morne's growth as a bowler is so under the radar that we have not been able to detect it. In fact, you have to have a certain level of faith in him to see that he has grown. And I know many of you don't because he is Albie's brother and look what Albie did to your faith. Instead of pounding it out of the ground he stomped all over it, on his way to yet another miserable single. Pitiful I tell you.

Right, so back to Morne. He might have been beyond brilliant against England at home, but to prove his growth, he will have to be beyond brilliant overseas as well. Then only will he be considered a versatile bowler and hence a dangerous one. But this is something he has yet to do.

Or so you thought.

To prove Morne's case, I present to you a photo, one that has been uploaded in this blog before. However, a repeat publication is necessary because the significance of the picture that will come after, is lost if this one is not seen first. So here it is:

Once again, as I did before with this photo, I will draw your attention to Morne's t-shirt. It's a racoon on a bike unless I am mistaken. Very gutsy, very in your face. All necessary qualities for a fast bowler. We now move on to the second picture:

Morne is wearing the same t-shirt but this time it is black and the racoon on the bike is red.

Thus we have versatility.

And I rest my case.

Albie's day with the ball

So I finally decided to start watching the IPL. Actually I just got up early to watch my Dale bowl, but evidently, today is the day Albie has also decided to bowl. Against RCB and for CSK but oh my look at these figures.

4-0-28-1-7.00

That makes him CSK's third best bowler in today's game. But then again, who can really rank Murali? He is number one even when he is crap. So really, Albie was CSK's second best bowler today. The first being Tyagi. I am not being sarcastic. If you have watched Albie bowl, you will know what I am talking about.

The one wicket he got was that of Eoin Morgan. Now, I am no T20 expert but that is a big wicket. So good for Albie.

What does this mean? Nothing to me. I don't like CSK and Albie needs to perform for the Saffers to be in my good books again. Plus, he also kind of needs to perform with the bat too. I would hate for Albie to become 'that player who had one or two good moments and now plays only in the IPL'. But the way he is going...it may very well be so.

Just don't decide to start batting today, because my Dale needs to outbowl you. It's nothing personal, it's just that you look like an Oz player in yellow.

See, it's not personal at all.

First ODI

It's too late to do a post on the test now. Amla was more than great, Morne and Parny did their best, Ashy P played a stupid shot that opened the door for India and the Saffers should have drawn this one and taken the series. That's all you need to know really.

Strangely, the same shit has happened in the first ODI. South Africa has become a one man team; the rest are all in hibernation or handy tail-enders that can only take them close, but not win the match. However, I will look at the positives because everybody needs a change of direction at one point...specially South Africa.

1) Three run outs: I am not suprised. This is what happens when my Herschelle is on the field. How else do you explain the difference between Saffa fielding in the second test and today's ODI?

2) Dale Steyn's batting: Everytime I willed a six, he did it. Meaning, the positive is really my ability to control Dale's mind but we will let him think it was the dog.

3) Parny's batting: We will ignore the fact that he got run out in a painful fashion off the last ball of the game, reopening some very badly stitched wounds from a certain game about eleven years ago. Why? Because Parnell didn't bat at number 10 and he didn't forget to run...he hesitated. Feck!

4) My Herschelle's batting: Okay, it wasn't that great. But the six and the fours were very good previews of what is to come if he plays some more. Plus, he seems to have lost more weight and is looking very much like the Hersch of 2005. Sometimes, appearances mean everything.

5) No Biff: Very pleasant on the eyes.

6) Albie is back: and still petrifyingly ordinary at bowling. It's a positive because maybe someone will finally smack him in the face and tell him to focus on his batting.

7) They didn't choke: I thought about this one long and hard and I have come to the conclusion that they didn't. Parny and Steynkie looked very much like they were going to win this for the Saffers. It really took a very well directed slow ball from Kumar to end Steyn's onslaught. Even after, Charl and Parny looked relaxed. Something about their body language says 'fighter' not 'worried...cough, cough..gag'. The good news is Parny is the new generation and brave. So as long as 'choking' is not a required course in the South African cricket schools, we are good.

8) Charl's short ball: It seems to surprise the batsman everytime. I bet he could bowl six in a row and give the batsman six heart attacks. It's really quite strange. Something tells me the ball wears a 'I'm not a short ball' tag in the front and a 'You are a fool' tag at the back. Quite tricky to spot in a round ball.

And they still managed to lose...

Tempting Allan

Dear Allan,

How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.

But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .

I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.

Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?

Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.

JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.

Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?

Stay Allan. I beg you.

IPL3

Let me remind you again that Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

Before him it was Fidel Edwards but he has been missing for a while now. I have put ads on every milk bottle available in West Indies. Hopefully the gap in his teeth will seek it out and return. 

Kemar Roach was bought by the Deccan Chargers at IPL3. I started watching IPL from the second season where I got bored half-way through. So I am no IPL expert and I only half care about BRC and Deccan Chargers because of the Saffers. Sometimes when I remember Albie's one hit wonder, literally, I watch Chennai too. But not for long because M.S. Dhoni leads to nightblindess in Canada.

I desprately want Ashraful and Mortaza out of Mumbai and KKR. Thankfully, Shakib has not been added to this list as he went unsold again, probably because of his international commitments. I think he would have been available for only like four games. But this is just a theory as again, I don't know much about the IPL.

But I do know about Kemar Roach.
Kemar Roach likes to hurt hairy goblins.
Kemar Roach likes to bowl fast in the hopes that the ball will actually kill somebody.
Kemar Roach then smiles, like a sweet little assassin.
Kemar Roach is a direct descendant of Walsh and Ambrose.
Kemar Roach is only 21.

I have said Kemar Roach about eight times in this article. It is intentional.

Test Squad

South Africa squad: Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, Friedel de Wet, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Makhaya Ntini, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn.

-They are hoping that Jakes is fit for the first test. I am not wasting time on hope. They need Jakes. Everybody needs Jakes, but that's a separate issue. I am ordering someone to donate their ribs to him. For the Proteas. No, not you KP. Settle down.

"But I wuv him!"

Note, that picture also qualifies for the Scandalous posts.

-They have five fast bowlers in the squad now. Dale is pretending to be injured while he comes to terms with his addiction to crap and Mak hasn't played since the last ice age. So these are the backups. The problem is, the backups are kind of inexperienced. *puts one toe down in panic mode*

-No Albie Morkel, but Morne instead. There is a God after all.

-No adopted son ROFL. Didn't really expect him to be there. But still. My life is strangely incomplete without aliens.

-Alviro Peterson is in after making an impression in the ODI's. Very nice. Although I am pretty certain he is just there so Ashwell Prince does not get a chance. Ashy P is the official King of players that get sidelined just for the heck of it.

Prediction: Am not making any. I am not Glenn McGrath. Although I do talk to pigeons.

Papa Albie

MJ and CSA inform me that there is a new Morkel in town. Albie's little baby boy arrived promptly on the first day of December. Congratulations Albertus!

If nature gets its way with the boy, he will grow up to be a ball-thumping, power play God with a slightly deranged smile.


If nurture gets its way, then the boy will charge towards the crease like a bull and yet produce perfect line and length with grace.


Either way, it's a win-win situation for the kid. Something tells me he is also ginger, lanky and has funny ears.


The future of South African Cricket is safe and sound.

Missing Links

Wayne Parnell and Morne Morkel. I am ecstatic with their performance. Yes, the batting was excellent as well, but we'll get to the batting later. Because, remember how England started? Dale was concentrating very hard on keeping his disgusting form and Parnie was rusty. Then Morne replaced the chipmunk to show them how it's done, Parnie got a wicket and there was no turning back. Bringing Morne back in the team is the best fucking decision Mickey has made since September. Even Dale realized it, because after consistently throwing bricks he went to the dressing room to sulk, where Albie the other shithead gave him a back massage. At least the two out-of-form morons are united in their shittiness.

Regarding the batting, it's about fucking time the middle order added to the good work the Saffa openers have been doing lately. Speaking of Saffa openers, Hashim Amla continues to surprise me. A lot is being said about other players but no one has mentioned that the man who is known more for his patience than his aggressive style, has done very well to make full use of the first 15 overs. He did take Hersch's spot, but in case you missed the part where the cameras zoomed in and the commentators doted on him shamelessly, Hersch is a happy man. As long as Hersch is happy, I am happy. But it helps that Hash is doing such a fantastic job.

AB de Villiers must be thanked profusely for finally getting a big score when the team needed him to. See, it helps when you are telepathically sending negative thoughts to someone. He wanted to shut the voices up (mostly mine), so he freaking assaulted the bowlers to his heart's content. His batting was so good, I feel like buying his CD. Oh, did I just say that out loud? Okay...but I'm a little busy today. So, maybe I'll just watch the replay on repeat for now.

I found this win extra special because my 'favourite' English bowlers Broad and Swann are back and according to Strauss "did well". Apparently, well in his world is 19 overs, 120 runs and 4 wickets. What an overachiever that Strauss is!

I hope that Graeme Swann continues to be wicketless. That is the lovely thought I am leaving you all with for today.

Are we there yet?

This gap between the second and third ODI is so god damn long that I have once again forgotten what the Saffers look like. Honestly, who designed this series? If the rationale between this gap is that every game is either on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday so people can attend...umm..it's not working very well is it? How can a series prolonged by no games for infinite number of days hold any body's interest?

And what the hell are the Saffers doing during these days? I see no pictures of them practicing! Maybe it's because they are too busy elsewhere.

AB: Getting the whole team to buy his new CD. At least that's 16 copies sold, plus Mummy, Daddy and Brother.

Morne: Following Mickey around singing 'Gimme, gimme' in his ears 24/7.

Hersch: Staring into space and visualizing my happy face when he gets that century that's due.

Dale: Reading bedtime stories to his grand kids, so they don't kick him in the nuts for his woeful bowling.

Graeme: Trying to dehydrate Strauss to induce his leg cramp.

Parnie: Telling everybody what a hero he is for coming back from his ankle sprain as fast as he did.

Albie: Following Morne and Mickey around to make sure one Morkel doesn't get traded for another.

Mickey: Making up new shit to tell the press just to keep them interested.

I'm filing a complain with the CSA for letting my mind sit idle for five fucking days, during which it has gathered shit. As you can clearly see.

Guess who's back?

After running an intense campaign for three months, we have finally been able to get Morne back on the squad. By we I mean me, but if you are a Morne lover and have been secretly sending mental hate messages to Procter, we thank you too.

It has also been reported that Parnell has finally realized that a sprained ankle is not a legitimate injury, specially when you have been caught dancing on that ankle. Shame on you Parnie for not declaring yourself fit earlier. But you can make up for it by taking 10 wickets. Okay 9, we'll give one to Morne.

The question is who will Morne and Parnie replace? Ryan McLaren is possibly going to be shown the door which is fine because he hasn't been mindblowing. Morne will either replace Charl or Dale. That almost sounded like the two chipmunks. Except I bet the chipmunks won't be such a big embarrassment with a cricket ball.

There's also a chance that Morne has been brought back to scare Dale into being good again. Which means Morne might be spending most of his time warming the benches while Dale finally wakes up and uproots every single batsman's wickets. Not a dream comeback, but Morne is a team man. He will do anything to help the Proteas win. Plus, he already has Allan's love and blessings. What more does he need?

Now that the right choices have been finally made, I will celebrate the return of my Herschelle in the team and remind you all that I was initially devastated when he was dropped. The post on him not being needed in the team was a momentary lapse of sanity.

My Hersch has been given another chance to save his international career.
My Hersch is going to make Tim Bresnan sorry he ever picked up a ball.
My Hersch is going to show Albertus how to fucking clear the boundary.
My Hersch will beat the crap out of AB de Villiers for not scoring when it matters.

Let the games begin.

Adjectives

Disgusting: Dale Steyn losing his ability to pick up wickets so early in his career.

Shameful: Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL (seriously reconsidering the adoption now) bowling worse than part-time spinner JP.

Fucktard: Whoever sent Albie ahead of Bouch, when they were five down in the 33rd over. When has Albie EVER played the role of an innings consolidator?

Illegal: Hash getting to a half century and then getting out to a Ashraful-like shot.

Impressive: Ryan McLaren at least trying to mess with the batsmen (not really but I'm drowning in a sea of negativity here!)

Moronic: Biff and his sideburns.

Useless: AB de Villiers, who can't fucking get a decent score when it matters i.e. should NOT be batting 2 down.

Uh oh

Jakes is injured...this is not good. This is not good at all! He won't be playing a single ODI. Out of the last three times that Jakes didn't play, SA lost one game (damn you rain!) and barely won the other two. They might have even lost another one, I can't remember.

SA's batting line up unfortunately changes drastically without Jakes. Unless Hash has found his form again or Loots Bosman is called up to fill Jakes' opening spot, things are looking a little bit scary. I would have loved to say Hersch should be the one getting the call, but he won't. With good reason of course, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop sulking.

Not to mention the bowling. FUCK! With Jakes not around Biff will have to give a few overs to Albie, whose run giving shop I suspect, is still in business. Or SA will bring Botha back. Who also has been a bit shitty lately, but ANYTHING is better than Albie getting more than 2 overs. I'll even take Biff bowling. Actually I won't. Don't even think about it you Buffalo!

UGH! The man was perfectly fine carrying all those lipids around for 18 months but the minute he loses weight he picks up an injury! Yes, I am being grumpy. Because if England wins this, I will die. And since this is the third time I have used that sentence, it must be true!

Can Jakes just not get new ribs? Or did he finish every available ones in Saffaland during his 'how to expand horizontally' demonstrations?

Head-to-head

At long last the England tour of SA has started. The T20 games were just a tease. THIS is the real deal. The reason I won't feel bad for not studying for exams and then tearing my hair out. It's all worth it. Especially if the Saffas win.

I don't make predictions when it comes to my own team...because they usually go badly (remember the Champions Trophy/Champions League? sigh!). But I will tell you who I am looking forward to watching in the upcoming series.

1) Jimmy vs Dale: One has a kid, one has imaginary grand kids. Both can swing the ball but both have been erratic as of late. Jimmy a little less than Dale, but he has the knee to blame...and tiring wars with Swann on twitter. I am going to say something traitorous right now that you all will read and promptly forget: I like Jimmy as a bowler. He is the only Pom that I can tolerate. Shocked, dazed, forgotten? Good. Moving on...

2) Strauss vs Buffalo: As much as Graeme looks like a buffalo, Strauss is the one with cow brains. And I reject the hypothesis that cows are intelligent animals. They are inferior to buffaloes anyway. Strauss is one of those players I dislike, despite knowing that he is a good cricketer. His captaincy, I feel, is yet to be proven. He didn't do anything revolutionary in the Ashes. There was no need with the Aussies being determined to beat themselves. But he does seem to be able to bring out the best in his players unlike his deputy. Graeme's team is great to begin with, so he has very little to do with them being awesome. But he is contributing regularly as a batsman these days which helps. Plus, I am really hoping Strauss gets a cramp and Graeme decides to break ICC rules and give him a runner...on the condition that the runner is Owais Shah!

3) Swann vs ROFL: This is the only reason I want Swann to recover fast from his injury. Just to prove that ROFL is far more interesting than him and a better spinner. I get this feeling ROFL is the only individual that can convince Swann to give up twittering with his psycho-like expressions. If that doesn't work, we can always depend on the alien living inside ROFL to show Swann the finger and tell him that he sucks.

4) Albie vs Eoin: I also like Eoin Morgan, but only because of his background. I am incapable of hating on anybody with any relation to Ireland. It's Bono. He has clouded my judgement. All I want to see is who can hit the ball further. The one that hits a six all the way to Canada is going to have a glacier named after them. Albertus Glacier. Sounds like a nice peace offering from the Canadians to the Romans.

5) KP vs Trott: Who will make a better effort to secure a place in Vaughan's next book? Who will stand up to the booing crowds better? In fact, who still holds the interest of the Saffers enough to be made fun of, which Flower is sure they are waiting to do? Something tells me no one is winning this one.

Captain Mascaraman

Distressingly, I did not get to watch Mascaraman as captain while England was fielding and the highlights are not up yet. But I did get to watch the post-match presentation and he was too busy blushing, smiling and batting his eyelashes at Kass Naidoo to give a coherent answer. If you don't know what she looks like, click on that link. She's hot. Taken, but hot.

So Mascaraman as captain got properly fucked today. Loots Bosman and thankfully Graeme Smith (I say thankfully because he seems to be becoming consistent with the bat again..about time!) smashed the Poms till they begged for 'no more'. Adil Rashid and Kevin Pietersen, unable to let their Mascaraman go through this torture alone, volunteered to take a bit of the hammering.Even Joe Denly got to make his bowling debut. He broke the record tumbling partnership between Bosman and Smith but god damn, this is like the wicket-keeper giving his gloves to someone else to come bowl. Hmm, where have I seen that before?

England lied, they lied big time. Before today's match the headlines were all about how the Poms were going for their first trophy of the series. You are telling me they REALLY thought that the way to go about that was to make Mascaraman captain and send KP instead of Morgan when Cook fell and the run rate was like 15? Nope. They never wanted to win. They lied. What are they teaching their kids?

Speaking of Cook batting, is it just me or does he never look settled even after hitting a couple of boundaries? What a funny fucker! Kepler Wessels said it best. Mascaraman was on fire, hitting fours every delivery and Wessels goes like "He's not considered very good at the shorter form of the game, Alastair Cook". I know one person who clapped in glee at this comment-Jimmy Anderson, who was also trying to show his captaincy skills as per photographic evidence:

Mascaraman is a little bitch! I am the next captain of England!

I will introduce you to Kate Moss, don't listen to Jimmy

But I want to be captain too!

How wildly entertaining the Poms are. But KP and his switch hit was the funniest shit ever. KP jumping like some 1930's bad action hero and watching the ball hit the stumps. I couldn't find a picture of the exact moment, but this will do nicely.


In case you didn't know, his wicket was picked up by my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. I am still working on the adoption papers.

I love an English humiliation. Specially when the Saffa boys are all brilliant. I am so relieved that Dale and Albie (yes ALBIE!) picked up wickets. Although they continue to look disinterested in getting wickets during the middle overs. And I seem to have jinxed Duminy with my 'year of JP' talk. Feck!

Rain is my arch nemesis

Although I've spent the last few hours calming myself down, I am still pretty furious which means this post will be full of profanities. If you are under aged, congratulations your vocabulary has grown today!

So, the rain. Why does the rain not like South Africa? They are a green team, they do most of their fielding up in the air so as not to hurt the grass, they even have a Buffalo as their captain, an animal that contributes to mother nature's beloved earth in a stinky but effective manure..sorry manner. So WHY DOES RAIN HAVE SUCH A BUG UP ITS ASS?

Next, the D/L method. When will South Africa ever look at the sheet and be all 'Right, I've got it'. AND ACTUALLY GET IT? AB kept on looking at the dugout/screen/Colly's butt...anywhere but at the fucking sheet. He pretended to get it, but he didn't. Albie just peaked over his shoulders. I'm having major issues with Albie. These days, he's not only bowling like a bloody chucker, he is also refusing to run. Albie, AB is good at running between the wickets and he knows what he is talking about. So when AB says run, FUCKING RUN YOU TOOL! He easily cost SA 3 runs by refusing to move from his crease. And what happened? England won by 2 runs.

But now the happy thoughts. Yes, there will be happy thoughts because my heart might just burst if I am angry any longer. Then there will be one less person in this world to dislike the Poms. That cannot be. So the happy thoughts:

1) The first ball of the game. Charl always makes me smile, it is no coincidence that he too is bald.

2) Loots Bosman's assaulting the English bowlers. Bald men seem to be naturally good at this.

3) Tim Bresnan bowling. Whoever thought he was a bowler is a regular coke snorter.

4) Swann's first over: 6 1 6 1 1 0=15. Including Bosman's 50. This one was specially for Vim and Sid.

5) Swann turning red in the face trying to place his field with sign language and no one understanding him. Umm...it's called use your words you fucking 100 years old perverted toddler.

6) England continuing to win because of some non-English player. What's that you say? Colly who? I don't know any Lolly Molly. Stop bringing up names of creepy dolls.

Anyway, England can have this win. That's right. We are gifting it to them. Because the rest of the series the Saffers are going to whoop their asses so hard that their fake butt injuries are going to become a reality. And as for the weather gods..fucking go find some other continent to shower over! Or else...