Ten things-next year

Ten things I would like to see happen next year:

1. South Africa clobbering England in the remaining two tests.
2. Bangladesh winning their first tri-nation series.
3. Biff befriending KP (no, really).
4. Ricky Ponting misbehaving.
5. Finding an individual on Earth who genuinely likes Lalit Modi.
6. My Herschelle cementing his butt to the starting XI.
7. Graeme Swann banished into oblivion.
8. Stuart Broad's transformation into a man.
9. Shoaib Akhtar acquiring more VDs.
10. Some new commercials from M.S. Dhoni.

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!

Ten things- this year

Ten unexpected things that happened in Cricket this year:

1. Aussies started liking Graeme Smith.
2. Andrew McDonald got selected for tests.
3. Netherlands won an international game against Stuart Broad.
4. Pakistan played in tests...and won one!
5. Chris Gayle gave us glimpses of his captaincy brain in a Test, of all things.
6. Bangladesh won four whole series.
7. My Herschelle's team won the IPL.
8. Sanath kept on going and did not break down.
9. Zimbabwe came back with a team (the lost part was expected)
10. India crashed out in the second round of a T20 World Cup.

Ten expected things that happened in Cricket this year:

1. Australia lost the Ashes in England.
2. South Africa crashed out of a ICC semi-final.
3. There was a problem with an Indian pitch.
4. Roy got sacked.
5. Daniel Vettori did it all.
6. Sri Lanka remained a yo-yo team.
7. Flintoff picked up an injury.
8. Chris Broad pissed us off.
9. Pakistan accused someone of match-fixing.
10. Tony Greig bored us to death.

Not an exhaustive list, but at least some of that took us by surprise. And the rest just reinstated our faith in the saying that some things never change.

Mortaza needs a prosthetic knee

Next week, along with my beloved Saffers, my lovely BD boys also embark on a tournament. It is my favourite kind, a tri-nation series. The other two teams are India and Sri Lanka. Here's the squad:

Shakib Al Hasan (capt), Mushfiqur Rahim (vice-capt and wk), Mohammad Ashraful, Abdur Razzak, Tamim Iqbal, Syed Rasel, Raqibul Hasan, Mahmudullah, Nazmul Hossain, Naeem Islam, Imrul Kayes, Rubel Hossain, Shafiul Islam, Shahriar Nafees, Aftab Ahmed

Fucking Mortaza has still not recovered from his knee injury. He is 80% fit but will not play because the selectors don't want to risk injuring him again. Once again poor Rubel will have to do the 'fast' bowling by himself, if he can! The spinners will be the main attacking option...against India and Sri Lanka. I can't think of a worse team plan. No wait, there is one more. Mushfiq is the Vice-captain of this team. As much as I love him for being the most annoying thing behind the wickets EVER, that is just fucked up right there. Even Tamim would have been a saner choice.

Good news is Shakib will be tested by Dhoni. He might not be the best captain to learn from but he sure as hell is better than Reifer! Bring it on mane-less boy!
 
A thought just crossed my mind. Maybe Mortaza is afraid of stepping into Shakib's successful shoes as stand-in captain. Fuck Mortaza! Be a man. You are a fast bowler for fuck's sake!

Ctalk

Today on Ctalk we managed to track down Graeme Swann who is just heading out to celebrate England's thumping victory.

" Hi Graeme, how are things?"
"Good mate"
"How are you feeling after today's victory?"
"Okay."
"Just okay?"
"Yeah."
"How come?"
"Well you see, there is this blog called Cricket Minded. She doesn't like me. I have tried very, very hard to impress her over the last couple of months. I've worked hard on my bowling, I have variations now and I've bagged two MOM awards. Plus I'm so funny. But she still won't say anything good about me."
"Umm, you do know she is a Saffa supporter. Doing so well against them won't help."
"But I thought all I had to do was play good cricket?"
"Not against her favourite team darling. Surely, your ingenious brains would have figured that out."
"Aah...I...*sniff*...*sniff*"
"Don't cry! I'm sure she will admit it next time. Who do you play next?"
"Aah...Bangladesh."
"Oh damn! Okay, have fun celebrating! G'night!"

Back in the office we dug up Cricket Minded's official statement regarding the game so we could send dear Graeme a gift for his achievements. It read...oh dear. Maybe we will just send him a card. 

Campaign for Herschelle

Since I was so successful with my Morne Morkel campaign (thank fucking god he didn't disappoint...with the ball anyway), I am launching one for Herschelle. It's time he is back in the squad. Even if he doesn't do amazing things with the bat, at least with him there will be no misfields galore. Ashy P is the WORST fielder in the side at the moment, apart from being a fucking useless batsman. Also, with the bowling being rubbish they need Hersch to keep the fielders motivated and put pressure on the batsmen. AB and JP honestly look like they are in lala-land half of the time.

Here we go, let Herschelle play.

He likes to stand out. So when all you world class players are too busy copying each other's shittiness, you can be rest assured that my Hersch won't. Unless he gets out before you.

He will even smack his team mates for a win. Hersch belted the shit out of Jakes during the IPL 2 finals. And BRC has the most Saffers in their team. Hence, he will have NO PROBLEM violating Trott or KP. Unless of course, he gets out first.

He has been spending extensive time with the person who taught him how to bat. He knew the Saffers would be worse than terrible and has been practicing hard. Thus, he is a good batsman AND an oracle. What else do you want? Yes, it would be nice if he also didn't get out so soon.

He is their best football player. No relation you say? Ever seen Hersch dance to spinners and smack them over the boundary? Plus, a skill is a skill okay. I know it won't help him if he gets out early. But were you ever recruited by Arsenal? Didn't think so.

He is considering quitting cricket to become a model. Even though he looks good there, Hersch was meant to bat his way down the pitch, not strut is butt down a ramp. Plus if he retires CSA will feel the wrath of Cricket Minded.

Oh stop bringing that up! He will ruin the English bowlers if he doesn't lose his wicket early. And if he does, how is it harming the Saffers really? Ashy P will also his wicket early won't he? But what he won't do is bat well once the bowlers are tired. It's not in his genetic makeup.

Biff finally woke up and talked about selection changes. It's this one. Drop Ashy P and take Hersch. Can you think of any other Saffa test opener better than Hersch at the moment? LET HERSCHELLE PLAY. And Friedel. They come as a package deal after all.

T2D5: Paul Harris smiles too much

An hour and thirteen minutes. That's how long they lasted. And Paul Harris smiled for about forty five minutes in that time. What is so funny Paul? The fact that this is the second time England has utterly humiliated you? Or Barbie's balls smacking you everywhere?

But let's do laugh. Because really, what else can you do? The Saffa change room looked so gloomy. Cheer up boys! You get to go home AND start celebrating New Years early! What can be better than stuffing your faces with some more holiday junk that possibly lead to this atrocious performance ? Oh I know! Come back with an even worse performance in the third test!

Or maybe not. This is honestly turning out to be Ashes 2009. England managed to draw the first one and win the second one. Hence, it is England's turn to be ravaged next. And then the last one...

I don't know. Because England might win this by the next one or the Saffers may make a miraculous turn around and win the remaining two. I am of course hoping for the latter but with this team, who knows?

I'm guessing either Bell or Swann will be M-O-M. Obviously, I am not staying up to watch that shit. I have better things to do. Like break stuff around my house.

Something funny

Well not really but then again maybe it is.

My hits go up on the days South Africa lose or play horrendously. It's like the world suddenly wakes up and make their way to Cricket Minded to read my wounded words laced with anger. On the days that they own the opposition, the hits remain more or less consistent.

Do people hate the Saffers that much or is it funny to hear my cocky words being shoved down my throat? Either way it looks like a lot of people take intense pleasure in the Saffers' and my misery.

I like it.

In solidarity

The Saffers have taken good hosting to the next level. They are not satisfied with just putting the Poms in nice hotels and entertaining them. They have also copied their listless first test bowling and the one thing that was unique to the Poms till now.

To make the situation even more hospitable, these wickets went to Stuart Broad- the bowler that even the English supporters dislike. They want Barbie to go back home to a record number of converted fans. It's their gift to him for visiting their country.

The Saffers are not only determined to lose this, they are also going to make sure a lot of insult is added to injury, just to spice things up.

Who do I kill first? Jacques, JP or myself?

T2D4: Lend Biff a brain

Can the Saffers get any worse? Apparently they can. And obviously we always have our precious buffalo to lead the crappiness. Morne bowled one fucking spell today. Paul and JP was consistently rubbish and they were consistently played. CONSISTENTLY. What's the fucking point of getting one wicket if the fifteen other balls are pure vomit? JP was so far wide he made a prostitue blush. And Paul was hypnotically drawn to leg stump. The Poms were troubled by neither.

And Biff just stood there. No bowling changes, no fielding changes, just expression changes. I understand all your bowlers are going through a bad patch but FUCK BIFF it is YOUR JOB to bring them out of the shit hole. Not fucking protect them. Give them the ball and tell them to fucking shape up. Put pressure on them, have expectations from them. They are international level bowlers. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PROTECT THEM? Honestly, this is not even a random accusation. Biff seems to think that his job is to stand there and make penguin-like faces. Believe me you fucktard, that's not why they made you captain.

All they had to do was bowl well, not even pick up wickets frequently, like they did in the first innings of the first test. As soon as the new ball came the Pom started playing stupid shots and got themselves out. The bowlers continued to do shit all. Doesn't that show that if they had bowled well since yesterday at one point or the other the Poms would have given up their wicket under pressure? Yes, I believe it does.

Just when things got interesting and Maky started to look a wee bit like his old self, Strauss declared. Clever move, otherwise Makhaya might have chopped Onions' head off. And all he needed was a little collision with Jimmy which denied him a possible catch. Who knew? Next time just push the fucker around and he will rip through the batsmen...hopefully!

I didn't see the Saffers batting and I am not going to watch the highlights. What's the point? I read somewhere that Graeme Swann is now a dangerous bowler. The Aussies and Saffers have fucking made Swannyg66 look like a dangerous bowler. And I am not about to watch a batting performance that makes Broad a bowler and Swann dangerous.

Let's have a bet though. How soon will the game be over tomorrow? Whoever wins will have to give all their money to the Buy Biff a new brain Foundation. I believe Mohammad Ashraful has qualified for the donors' list.

As an afterthought, ABism is a fucking sham. It just makes you wish you had invented the atom bomb instead. My world of perennial haters is much more satisfying I tell you.  

Cricket is ruined

WHY GOD WHY?

You allowed the rain gods to grant the Poms a victory. I sulked, but accepted it.

You gave Graeme Swann wickets. I avoided it with great pain, but I accepted it.

Then you gave Swann runs. I narrowly escaped life-long coma trying to avoid that, but somehow I managed.

England drew the first test, I sighed. But accepted it.

Alastair Cook got a century, I was asleep so didn't have to see the atrocious occurence. Then he got out, so again, I accepted it.

Ian Bell is 55 not out and they have a 43 run lead. My new watch is resting in peace but I still accepted it.

Now Watson has a test century...you have snatched everything away from me! I AM RUINED! Left with no more humour in my life. Only painful tears like those in Sarah Palin's eyes. I am shattered, distressed, crooning to Barry Manilow songs. My days are dark and dreary. Which cricketer will I make fun of now?

Can Mascarenhas replace Jimmy please?

T2D3: Practicing ABism

My brain is in so much grief over yesterday's game that I have now crossed over to the other extreme. Instead of bashing the Saffa bowlers to my heart's content I am practicing ABism i.e. I am being positive about every fucking thing.

So no Dale Steyn, I won't poke and pry into your mouth to try and figure out what sort of bacteria is residing in your brain. You have become fucking useless in a very short period of time, but I won't make a fuss about that. Instead I will dwell over the lovely capabilities that you are hiding in some unreachable part of your body and will it back outside with my positivity.

No Paul Harris, I won't talk about your diligent impression of Dale Steyn despite being more than okay even a few days ago. Instead I will pine for the days when you did not spin the ball but managed to fool the batsmen enough to get their wickets. Or maybe you dazzled them with your hair. No matter how you did it, you did it and it will happen again my friend. Yes it will.

Makhaya I won't say anything about you at all because even ABism cannot sugar-coat your mortifying bowling.

I will dwell on poor Morne instead who had to do the work of three other bowlers and did very well. Unfortunately for us we cannot clone him. We also cannot bowl him for eight continuous hours because then he will break down which means a bowling attack consisting of Dale, Jakes, Makhaya, Paul and JP. Which, as per ABism will be so wonderful that I will have to stuff my face with holiday sweets till I choke and die.

Even with positivity overload I cannot bring myself to acknowledge that Mascaraman now has a century and Ian Bell a half century. That will require a lot of alcohol and drugs and I am already maxed out on foreign objects in my body i.e. positive thoughts. And if I do overdose who will tell you that this a clever plan by the Saffers to keep the two jokers in the team, so real players never get a chance and they continue to disappoint for another forty innings?

'Tis true folks. I may not be ranting today but I would never lie to you.

Mind reader

I was going to do a post on the Delhi pitch and the stupidity of the whole situation. But then I came across this article:

Bring on the lousy pitches by Jrod.

It's pretty much everything I would have said with a whole bunch of 'fucking cowards' included. Maybe I'll just add it here to sum up.

Fucking cowards.

Go read it.

Drinking is art

More specifically, drinking Gatorade is an art. Just ask Matt Prior. He knows it, he has mastered it. He does it with a perfect ease and grace that enrichens the experience of drinking the wonderful fluid. His team mates have yet to learn it from him but Graham Onions makes a decent effort here.

South Africa vs England, Test 1

While KP is completely breaking all rules and grabbing the bottle like an ogre. How distasteful.

South Africa vs England, Test 2

But Prior continues to practice the art like it is his religion and holds the drink perfectly with his right hand while making a questioning gesture with his left. The complete gesture includes a quizzical look on someone's face in the picture.

Why is Prior always confused? I think it's because he continues to be over-shadowed despite being a pretty decent batsman and wicket keeper. He is just there, always taken for granted and usually unappreciated. Someone please send him a love letter because the stress is giving him wrinkles and making him balder by the day.

At least the art of Gatorade drinking is never compromised.

How to run between wickets

For KP, Biff and Watto. 
-From Owhy

Step 1: Notice how far the ball has travelled.

Step 2: Notice who the fielder is and assess if there is a run. For example, if the fielder is Ashish Nehra get ready to dash. On the other hand if the fielder is South African or Australian, you may still want to risk it. Even if the fielder is an old lady from said nations.

Step 3: Who is your partner? This is more important than you think. The real thing to keep in mind here is if your partner will choke slam you for taking a run that wasn't there. If he won't then by all means run. If he will then pretend he made the call but never forego the run.

Step 4: Assess the situation to pretend you actually know what is going on the middle. Is it absolutely necessary to take the risky single now or will we be fine without it? Either way the answer is always run.

Step 5: If midway through your run you realize the run was a mistake, pause momentarily to decide if you should go back or keep moving forward. The decision relies on which end the fielder is throwing. The ideal situation is to get your partner out, even if he is a far superior batsman than you. And specially if he is in the 90's (See Watto, you really can't blame Kat).

Step 6: If you decide to stupidly sacrifice your wicket, dive. Your weight will have a significant role to play in the success of the dive. But to get a more comprehensive idea of this situation you will have to attend classes with Inzy.

Step 7: If you and your partner are in the same end collide into your partner and push him out so the replays can tell the umpires that you reached the crease first. This was the basic mistake both KP and Watto made. Tsk tsk.

Step 8: If in confusion always ask yourself 'what would Owhy do?'

Cheers!

T2D2: Dale is a batsman now

Which is clearly why he has lost his bowling skills. But let's talk about the batting first. Bouch and AB were excellent in the morning. Almost made up for the horrendous start yesterday. Then Bouch had to go and get out to Swannyg66. URGH! I think someone is punishing me for...I don't know why! I am such a lovely person! Very ready to dislike people/things but I am quite pleasant. No, really.

I bet Poppy Flower has changed his mind about the UDRS. Now, it will become the greatest invention since T20's. So fair, takes the game forward and all that crap. Freaking opportunist!

Okay, Dale's batting. Three sixes off Graeme Swann. That just made me forgive him for all the atrocious bowling over the last couple of months. Of course he got himself back on the hit list during England's innings, but damn he was good to watch. Take that Graham Onions. You block, we smack. Of course not all the time but whatever. Dale can be a very handy lower order batsman when he wants to. As can Ntini because he never gets out. Really, when was the last time Maky wasn't not out? I can't even remember.

Oh, the bowling! Fuck me if it wasn't worse than rubbish. At one point, there was at least one four scored in every over. No matter who was bowling. Obviously if the Saffers lose this they are going to release some silly regret statement over not dropping Makhaya. He was so fucking bad even his biggest supporter Biff (pffft!) didn't want to play him again. Alastair friggin' Cook looked solid against this bowling! There's something so very wrong with that sentence.

Dale was no good. Not horrendous but no good either. Morne bowled 'a' beauty, otherwise he was just about okay. Harris wasn't exceptional. He is never exceptional, he just gets wickets. Which he didn't and now fucking England is 103/1. Clearly they are cruising at this point but tomorrow is a new day. It better be a new day else Mickey and Biff won't be able to sleep at night with all the Friedel lovers planning their assassination.

The best bit of commentary in the whole match was when Biff was showing his nasty legs to Shaun and he said 'It wasn't a pretty sight, those white legs'. Oh Polly! Use cucumbers. They work wonderfully for sore eyes.

T2D1: Biff is Watto's only friend

The first half-an-hour of the day was fucking nerve-wrecking. James Anderson and Graham Onions kept on giving me a heart-attack with every delivery. But I do appreciate good bowling, as long as it is not coming from Stuart Broad or Graeme Swann (smirk). It was fun to watch. Except when Ashy P and Hashim Amla decided they have had enough for the day. What the fuck are the selectors thinking keeping Ashwell Prince in this game? Do South Africa not have a test opener?

No wait, they do. His name is Herschelle Gibbs. Even when he is out of form he is a thousand times better than Ashy P and Neil McKenzie. And with Graeme Swann taking majority of the wickets (groan), surely they need their best player of spin in the team to talk some sense into them? Fucking Mickey and his pea brain.

I have to mention Biff's run out. He was trying to take some of the heat off Watto it seems. It was not as poetic as Watto's but damn, when was the last time you saw a gigantic buffalo take a dive? I swear there was an earthquake till Canada. Of course it was AB's fault for hoping that his precious captain was as quick on his feet as him. Son, Jesus walking on water was fine and all but Biff taking a quick single? Now that would take some skill.

JP is killing me. He really is.

Did Geoffrey Boycott actually say that Biff's run out by Cook was like Jonty's? Oh poor man! I think he is becoming senile. They were wondering when Cook was going to dive...HAHAHAHAHAHA. Honey, he don't dive. He just bats his eyelashes and the wickets fall. His own.

Give it up

If Watto is a joke, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Watto made 93, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Watto isn't injured
But he won't get a century
Never in a test match, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Kato loves Watto, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Kato made an error, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Kato made 98
Then he felt the pressure
Despite being experienced, clap your hands
*clap clap*

P.S: Who is this guy wearing a head band and where is the real Aamer?

P.P.S: I will back with the SA post late at night...the joys of Boxing Day shopping!

Dear Santa, from the Windies

Dear Santa,

We are all going to write one letter because frankly, we don't get paid enough. It's because of all this five days nonsense on the field. I have to carry all my shades in my pockets so I can change them every half-an-hour. Also the outfits are so boring! In the IPL...

Chris, can I please ask for my gift before you start talking about the IPL? Thanks. Santa, I want Chris Gayle to become a freelancer and give up his test captaincy to me. If not that, at least give me an IPL contract mon! Leading Trinidad & Tobago is no easy job you know! Plus, I am better looking than him. Now if I were captain...

Oh shut up mon! Santa does not have so much time. Hi Santa! I actually want you to deliver some gifts for me. Here is a replica of my hand- it is designed to get in Johnson's way no matter where he is. And here's a replica of my face for Haddin's wife. I don't know mon, she asked for it. She said at least you are a soldier. My husband on the other hand...no I won't say it. Tis the season to be jolly. Okay bye. Chris, he has gotta go!

Wait..what's your name again? San-ta? Santa? Okay Santa, about the IPL. A flying sledge? I have one. I'll meet you up there in mine then, we'll chat IPL. Ho Ho Ho!

Dear Santa, from the Saffers

Dear Santa,

I shouldn't believe in you but you get me gifts and I do like that. However, it looks like you got me my CD for Christmas...not one,  not two but ten of them. You were supposed to put those in my team mates' stocking, not mine. You know that's what I wanted for Christmas, for people to buy my CD. I also put a brilliant photo of me taking a fantastic catch on the cover (and an insert of Ampie) and now I have to sit here and enjoy them myself. All I wanted was for the world to listen to my music, look at my picture and spread positivity. You denied me that chance. I am very upset and now I demand six centuries in the next three tests. But, I am not a negative person so I will leave you with this...Stay Sharp!


Dear Santa,

Did you get my gifts to my grand kids? I have yet to hear from them. Please tell them not to be mad at me. I am trying very hard to come back for the second test. Although Friedel is hop-stalking me and looking for a chance to injure me so he can keep his rightful place in the team. Did I say rightful? Sorry I didn't mean that. I say a lot of things before I think, like the IPL holiday...oops! There, I did it again. Anyway, what I want for Christmas is a new hat and some more time to relax on the benches. No, wait. I want to be fit for tomorrow. Is that what you wanted me to say Kass? Okay. I want to be fit. And...(whispers) if you have time can you please teach me how to bowl again? I'm having some memory issues. Okay. Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

I want you to get Paul Harris a life-long membership to Burger King so he can stuff his face till he explodes. I know he has taken wickets for the test team but when will I get my chance? I have the bulldog factor you know. Plus I have all those extraterrestial family members who can eat the opposition's brain on my command. Can Harro do that? I swear I will let my family loose on them if they don't take me in the test team. My soon-to-be-foster-mother Cricket Minded has taught me to screw people over to get ahead in life. It's a very good motto and I am going to follow it. GET HARRIS THE COUPONS NOW! I WANT TO PLAY! Oh, got too excited. Anyway, I'll be waiting for my phone call. Merry Christmas!

Scandalous Part V

I honestly wasn't going to bring these back. But I think there's something bigger going on here. It started out as a joke and now I am worried.

I think KP is in love with Jakes.

He is always clinging to him. He even went to BRC for him! Jakes loves the Proteas you bastard! Get away from him!

There's also another thing distinctively odd about this picture. I don't want to say it because I love Jakes but...HAS JAKES GAINED WEIGHT AGAIN?

Talk about holiday horror stories.

Happy Holidays!

I should probably share with you the letters the rest of the teams have written to Santa and I will. But not today.

Today I am wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy cricket loving in general. I will also share with you a secret, one that I was supposed to take to my grave but couldn't because you all deserve to know the truth.

Santa Claus is actually Jesse Ryder in a suit. So if he is stumbling through your chimney tonight and knocking on your door to ask for whiskey instead of milk, don't be surprised. But do pelt him with cricket balls on my behalf.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

KP is special

Extremely special.
Unique.
Rare.
One of his kind.

Let's look into Thesaurus to find new ways to define KP because really, he needs one. Monkeys eating mangoes, checkered shorts, English jersey and a gleeful look. How do you put all these factors into one perfect word?

Oh I know, devolution. Am I not smart?

Slightly better than KP surely.

Dear Santa, from the Indians

Dear Santa,

Everybody is mad at me because I didn't let Uncle score a century. But Uncle told me, why worry? I have enough. This I gift to you. So I took it and hit a six. But no one knows and Uncle is too tired from all those years of carrying India on his shoulders to make a statement. Can you please dress up as Uncle and make a public statement? You already have the curly hair. Just dye it black and shave the beard for a day. Okay? Okay. Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

When I was a young boy, I was thin. Now I am still a young boy but I am fat. It's all those hugs from Preity Zinta. She squeezes my sides so hard that all my fat come and accumulate in the lower middle gut. I have told her to stop but she won't listen. Now my fingers have fat in them and it is too much work to carry the bat. What I want for Christmas is the Mongoose bat so that it's easier to carry and my sausage fingers don't have to do too much work. Thank you!


Dear Santa,

Since I am already brilliant as a spinner and a pinch-hitter, all I want for Christmas is a red turban. That is all. I have everything else you see, including a life-long spot in the starting XI. Merry Christmas!

Dear Santa, from the Aussies

Dear Santa,

I recently tried to impress a talent scout at a game by shrieking my lungs out. I had heard that they were looking for the next Mariah Carey. But he still hasn't approached me. Can you please give him my address for Christmas? If he really wants, I can also get Benn to do a 'don't be fucking looking at me' rap with the shrieking, just to jazz it up a little. It will just be like Akon meeting K-fed. SO COOL! But don't tell Brett. He will give the idea to Bollywood. Give him a new body instead. Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for Ricky's hyperbaric chamber to fail. It's not fair. He has the captaincy, the wife, the kid, the batting records. Why can't I get my chance? I am tiny and so is he. If we tiny people don't look out for each other how are we going to leave our mark in cricket? Please do something about this. I have been such a good boy! I didn't even tweet. Give me my chance and I will get Ozland a batting average of 100. I promise! Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

I just want the whole world to love me as much as Sid does. I know her love is enough to keep me happy for the rest of my life, but why can't the others love me just as much. I don't have a mystery ball but I do have looks. I also was wrongly dropped in a certain match where I may or may not have taken wickets. But they were wrong and for that I deserve their love. Even Gayle's. Tell him to love me, otherwise I will hit him on the head with a bat when he is not looking. Or maybe the waist, because that is how high I reach. Thank you Santa and Merry Christmas!

Dear Santa, from the Poms

Dear Santa,

This Christmas instead of something tangible can you please give me my powers back? I have wiggled my nose a million times but I just can't get the big fast men to slow down. I also can't get the naughty spinners to let me be, even though I frequently leave their deliveries alone. As a little girl, I was taught the values of love and friendship and I try to incorporate them in my batting. Although I can, I don't strike the ball too hard. It hurts the litte dears. I need my nose to spread the love and joy amongst the Saffers, so please give my powers back.

Also, tell the English press not to be so mean to me. I am a sensitive flower. Thank you!


Dear Santa,

I don't like being in England over Christmas. I really wanted to be in South Africa, but they left me behind. Thankfully Mascaraman and Samantha have both been terrible so far. I am all packed and ready to dash out at the slightest hint of a nod. Even if the other batsman does not come this way. I really should have been there in the first place but Mascaraman taught them the trick to super thick lashes and now they don't pay any attention to my graceful running. Although KP did try to campaign for me, it did not go very well. Between you and me, I would have done a much better job. Anyway, just make sure you get me the ticket okay? Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is my daddy. Nobody in South Africa appreciates my stunning hair and raspy lips and I am really quite sad that daddy isn't here to hold me. The people here are mean and they keep on asking me to find something called length. I am trying every single conditioner that Shahid Afridi referred but I still can't get my hair to grow. Is that my fault? Why don't they understand that? Please get me daddy. And if not, get me the new Hannah Montana series. She does calm me down a lot. Thank you!

Biff's emotional decision

Now that I think about it (actually I knew it then, but did not want to admit it) Biff was utterly stupid in giving Makhaya the last over. Not that it comes as a shock; it is classic Biff. Yep, I am also blaming him for the draw.

As well I should. What the fuck was he thinking? Makhaya had taken 2 wickets in the whole test while de Wet took 5. On top of that he was bowling beautifully. Biff had a problem as you can clearly see. He was deciding between giving Friedel a fifer in his debut test and giving Makhaya a fitting end. That was his reasoning. Over the fact that giving the ball to Friedel would have bettered their chances of winning. Fuckwit? Yes, totally.

Now it seems if Dale is fit for Durban, de Wet will STILL get the chop over Makhaya or Morne because...

Because Makhaya is an out-of-form legend and Morne lets Biff poke his ass.

Morne wasn't sensational, but he was a bit better than Makhaya. When Shaun Pollock had reached that place in test cricket where his wicket-taking abilities were being questioned, there was nobody to replace him. Plus, he could contribute with the bat.

Makhaya can bowl all day. Makhaya is an inspiration. Makhaya has done extraordinary things before. But Makhaya can't take wickets at the moment. And Friedel can.

I did not know emotions were a critical part of selection decisions. You learn something new everyday.

The UDRS is illogical

Okay, I checked this news because of this picture:

Andy flower is so annoyed by the UDRS that he has decided to back up his statements by posing next to a telescope like a scientist. He doesn't get it, he thinks it doesn't help the game. I personally think it's too early to make the call. It has flaws of course but if every system was perfect we would live in an ideal world. The question is, is it really so flawed to the point where it should be removed from the game altogether or is England just sulking because things didn't go their way? It might be like this for a while, working for one team and not working for the other. So one will always love it while the other loathes it. But then, doesn't it sound like the system is not good enough to be used yet?

Maybe, maybe not. But really the point of this post is to laugh at Andy Flower for posing like an intellectual and Jonathan Trott copying a lost Romeo, while they try to figure out how to use the UDRS.

Somebody help them understand this shit. And explain it to me too, while you are at it.

Cricket Minded

I just realized I have been in the blog world for about five months now with no proper introduction anywhere. My profile is miserably inadequate and some are really confused about who/what I really am, other than a die-hard Saffa fan of course. Some think I am actually South African, while others think I am mental. The misconceptions are not surprising as I am utterly shit at this blog thing and talk about pretty much everything and anything.

I thought I would take this opportunity in between the first and the second test and do a very late, highly unnecessary introduction. It's not really interesting so I apologise in advance. But, I am tired from eating too much holiday food and really can't be bothered to research cricket news now.

Right, here we go:

1) Am I South African?
No. I am Bangladeshi but I live in Canada. I support Bangladesh and South Africa. I would like to think that that makes me a complex, multi-dimensional individual but really, I am only about cricket.

2) Am I politically correct?
Never. Being a fan makes me biased, fat-headed and annoying. Unfortunately for you, I intend to stay that way.

3) Have I ever played cricket?
At times, with tennis balls and clipboards. My highest score with the clipboard was 48 not out. I once also played cricket with a roughly bat-shaped log and I hit a six straight over a fast bowler's head with it. It was one of my greatest achievements.

4) Why South Africa?
When I started watching cricket, Bangladesh did not have an international team. I sat down to watch the India vs SA series of 1997 and Allan Donald kept on bowling one beauties after another. He was joined by Shaun Pollock and backed up by Jonty Rhodes. I was sold.

5) Why not Canadian Cricket?
Because we live in Igloos and ice does not make for a nice pitch. (No we don't, but Americans think so, so it must be true). To answer the question,I just don't care about Canadian cricket.

6) Favourite cricket moment:
Many. But I distinctively remember the day Bangladesh won the ICC Trophy. We needed 6 of the last ball and our number 11 was on strike. We were nearly in tears thinking all was lost when he hit the six. Hearing every single member of a city yell simultaneously with joy is the best experience in the world.

7) What do I do actually?
Other than spending a lot of time browsing cricket sites and writing rubbish, I sometimes go to school and if needed, study- all the while wishing the questions had more to do with cricket and less to do with academic stuff.

Those are all the questions I can think of. If you have any more shoot them my way. Or not.

Makhaya's fridge

Maky became the first coloured player in South Africa to play 100 tests. Only 7 fast bowlers and 49 cricketers (out of 2,600) have achieved this feat.

If I were a fast bowler playing in my 100th test I would want ten wickets, a cricket ground named after me or my own team with 11 fast bowlers. I would have to work very hard for the ten wickets, the cricket ground would make me the most hated person and my team would lose to even Canada. But that's what I would have wanted. Over a fridge.

That's right. Maky got a fridge for his sweat, injuries and hard work. Castle Lager hopes he will fill it with their beers I'm sure, which indirectly means their sales go up. What if he has no space in his house for a fridge? What if the fridge completely fucks up his kitchen setting? What if his wife does not want another fridge?

Castle Lager did not think this through. They just found the cheapest thing on sale and got it for him. It doesn't even encompass anything he is. Makhaya is a firing, fast, fierce individual with a rhino forehead and wants to knock every batsman's head off. The fridge is a cooling appliance and just sits there.

Nope, they did not think this through at all. If it were upto me I would give Ntini a jacuzzi where steaming hot water rushes down at great speed and mesmerizes everybody. Or I would just give him the Niagara Falls.

Ndingi Express and Ndingi Falls. Sounds befitting. Ndingi freeze your ass into perfection...not so much. Even Maky agrees:

"I am leaving this behind..."

T1D5: Onions make me cry

First of all sorry about the lateness of this. I had a busy day...not because I was crying. Just had things to do.

Anyway, FUCKIN' HELL! When the first two wickets fell I was getting ready for a full blown collapse and happily pranced about the room wishing for an early end so I could go to sleep. Then fucking KP and fucking Trott came to the crease and decided they were Hashim Amla and AB de Villiers. They could be long lost brothers of course with Trott and Amla both being bald while AB and KP...well they are the initial brothers.

I honestly thought at one point England was going to win this. Nothing and I repeat NOTHING the bowlers did worked. Even poor Jakes had to bowl a few overs. I dozed off and woke up from time to time to check the number of wickets and it would not budge from three. Then just when I was thinking of punching KP through the television it happened.

KP saw the people of South Africa beckoning him home and he ran to them like a little girl. Honestly, did you really think KP wanted the century? When he went to tea he realized he didn't want Earl Grey, he wanted Braai. I know because he has been showing much love to the Saffers lately. He called Jakes the best cricketer in the world, he went up to shake Hash's hand after he got that century and then he ran himself out. We also have all those scandalous pictures that I have been putting up. KP is 'home sick'. Right under Vaughan's nose too. What the fuck are you good for Michael if you are not going to be outing your 'traitorous' former team-mates? I'm telling you Michael Vaughan is no fun in shorts.

I was ecstatic as the wickets kept on tumbling. Did you notice AB's stunning catch? He was upset with me for calling his fielding mediocre. And Morne...I was soooo thrilled with him when he got Swann out. It was undoubtedly my favourite moment in the game but goddamnit Morne, WHY DIDN'T YOU BOWL LIKE THIS BEFORE? Friedel did, he did fantastically. I am impressed with the kid. But I get this feeling either Morne or Makhaya is going to be dropped for Durban if Dale comes back. Although the latest news regarding that is Dale is still not willing to give up his off-the-field life. Dumbass!

The review system just doesn't work for Stuart Broad. It has become one of my moments to watch out for in the series. Barbie's dubious brain cells taking on an equally dubious system. How very nice! But what is NOT nice is that fucker called Onions. England's number elevens seems to have mastered their blocking skills. I was so fucking frustrated with the last four overs, I may have broken my couch. Everyone's saying that Saffers got the moral victory but what the fuck is a moral victory really? There is no trophy for 'Oh, you were nearly there!'. Specially for the Saffers, who are ALWAYS nearly there.

But what to do now? I can only take consolation in the fact that in the first innings, it was the Saffers who looked like they were playing for a draw. All that had changed dramatically by the last innings and now England is under considerable pressure. If only Smith will shut up that fact could rattle them on it's own. SHUT UP BIFF! Trott is not slow. It's just Bilal Shafayet's spirit possessing him.

Swannyg66 was the man of the match. Okay fine, he earned it. But he still didn't get a wicket in the second innings while Harris got two. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I am proudly incorrigible.

Eh?

How do you spell JP's last name?

Cricinfo says it's Duminy.

Wikipedia says it's Duminy.

Even Sky Sports is saying it's Duminy.

But he is on twitter (it's definitely him...and while we are at it AB's one is real as well) and his name on it is JPDumminy21.

Does the man not know how to spell his name or have we been seriously mislead all these years? Or maybe JP is simply a man of many dimensions.

The man with one 'm' is a cricketer.
The man with two is on twitter.
The man with one 'm' is the soft spoken, patient one we see in tests.
The man with two is the rabid beast we see in T20's.
The man with one 'm' silently asphyxiates the opposition.
The man with two slashes, cuts and violates them.

Or maybe I am entertaining myself because it is 2am and the game is STILL an hour away. But why must JP fuck with my mind like this?

My sense of truth feels violated.

T1D4: Hash is illegal

And I love it. More than that century, what struck me is that AB and Hash got the innings back on it's feet. Without Jakes, the calming effect. I must confess that the three wickets fell because of me. I stayed up to watch (I only caught the highlights for days 1-3) and it was horrible. When Jakes left, I promptly went to sleep and woke up to find Hash and AB had done brilliantly. So if you were hoping for another fine Jakes innings, I am sorry. I will NEVER watch another live SA game ever.

Now back to the legality of Hash. There is none. He is just full-throttle illegal in your face. He isn't exciting, he still has technical flaws, he isn't always in form but when he scores he is like the tiny fly that you didn't notice till he dropped in your food. By then he has just freakin' ruined everything. Specially when you are left divided between admiring his flawless hitting and taking a shot at him for getting out stupidly. Not to mention his non-fancy yet fully effective fielding. I am very much fond of Hash. He just needs to score runs more frequently. But that will come.

AB-single no more has finally put in a substantial performance. Time to make up for the mediocre fielding. Yes, it has been mediocre so far. Don't pretend it hasn't. On top of that, he is inspiring Ian Bell to take good catches. Cut down on the love spreading a bit AB. You need a mean bone. I should start a school of ultimate meanness. Turn into a raging asshole in 16 days. Think I will get any students?

Anyway, back to the cricket. Bouchie has won me over once again. He has successfully managed to bat in both the innings after so so soooo long, I had forgotten that he had more to him than amazing reflexes and hypnotic eyes. I am glad that he and his buddy Jakes has got the Saffers' back. Now if only they could get their other 'friend' Biff to the party...idiot.

Morne put Barbie in his proper place (which is a mini doll house made of fruity cakes). That awkward four that went high up, dropped in front of the fielder and crossed the boundary- that made my day. It was such a slap in the face! Not that Barbie felt it. He has botox to protect him.

And this has to be mentioned: 27-3-91-0-3.37. Guess whose figures those are? Please say it. SAY IT!

To add cherry on top of well...my LIFE, Straussy has decided to pull a Graeme Smith. And an Ashy P. And a Mascaraman. What a strange tradition upheld by an even stranger compilation of batsmen.I loves it. Sometimes.

As usual I leave you with a final thought: how many fours did the Saffers have to score through the offside region before it occured to Strauss to put protection there? The answer is simply MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I was just looking for a place to put that in.

Watto's gone twatto

And Barbie has an attitude problem. And MSD has been banned as has Sulieman Benn for pleading not guilty. All highly dramatic in the manner of a twenty year old over-stretched, over done soap opera. But slightly more funny and definitely more important because it seems to be raising questions about racism.

The exact reasoning behind why Benn was handed the ban is unclear since Haddin and Johnson was equally involved. Benn talks A LOT and he has been verbally after the Aussies for a while now, but honestly it was just an accident stretched like chewing gum by some passionate men. And chirping is allowed.

In the other end, MSD got banned for two games for not dissent, but having slow over rates. It took India friggin' long to get through their overs because of too much discussion (and it didn't help that Sri Lanka needed a runner) so the general consensus is that it is justified.

Then we have Barbie and Watto. Broad showed dissent to the umpires and Watto celebrated excessively. Watto went up to Gayle's face when he got his wicket and did this:

It was deliberately telling Gayle to 'Fuck off' and he got warned for it. So did Barbie. Now you see the problem.

The two coloured players got banned while the five not-coloured people got warnings. But MSD's had nothing to do with bad behavior and although two ODI's might be too harsh a sentence it shouldn't raise any such issues. But it might, because of all the other things that are going on right now.You can read a good debate about Sulieman Benn's sentence here but what I want to ask is, did Watto, Broad, Haddin and Johnson get lenient treatment because of the colour of their skin?

I'm going to go with no. Not because I am in denial of the existence of racism but because there is nothing extraordinary about any of the events here. All of this has happened in cricket before and have been dealt with differently. Australia is a prime example of a non-coloured team being fined for bad behaviour. The wrong that has happened here is Benn's extreme sentence, probably because he naively denied his guilt. He was right of course, he wasn't guilty of anything other than losing his temper and who the fuck gets banned for that in sports? Unless they have killed or punched somebody. But Haddin and Johnson, the clever bastards that they are, pleaded guilty and it's probably something they just said because they were aware of the consequences. Benn didn't. He is simple like that. He just wants to play cricket.

Even after the ban he is trying his best to bowl the Aussies out and fighting hard. I like the fact that he is treating the ban as an occupational hazard. Chris Broad could learn a thing or two from him. But he is probably too busy trying to exercise his powers over the umpires in South Africa for not accomodating his little boy's temper tantrums.

Ian Bell's batting

Sometimes you get to watch a special innings which blows your mind away. Even rarer are innings that you will remember ball-by-ball till the day you die. Then there are innings that come by frequently and that is really what makes them special.

Ian Bell's batting is one such innings. Everytime he comes out to bat you just know it is worth watching. You take out your popcorn, slip into your comfy clothes and eagerly turn up the volume. If you were able to put the whole thing in rythm, it would go like this:

release, bounce, leave.
release, bounce, duck.
release, bounce, miss.

And every now and then just to add some variation in the routine it goes

release, bounce, awkward hit.
release, bounce, scampered run.

But then we are back to basics because that is really the secret to being a great batsman.

release, bounce, leave.
release, bounce, leave.

And then out of nowhere, comes the grand finale. That fourth beat that you have been patiently waiting for:

release, bounce, leave...HIT.

It's like watching Michael Jackson dance. *sob*

Where is Dilshan from?

Clearly a planet where anything less than a century is considered a disgrace. And anything just a runs above a century is considered an okay effort. Just okay. Not fabulous. Soon, anything less than 150 will become atrocious in this place. I suspect Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar are the fathers of this planet and Brian Lara is the 'Wise One' sitting in a corner, smoking a pipe and throwing stray cats at children. And obviously the planet is incomplete without it's troubled child, my Herschelle pre-2005.

What happened today was simply delicious. Zaheer getting the late wickets, a suprising Harbajan run out (he was possessed) and Matthews leading the fightback. Why Kandambi didn't last till the end I don't know. I can tell you that he meant to though. He really did. Please forgive him. After I have punished him of course.

But honestly, Dilshan is a freak of nature and Sri Lanka should do more to support him. Like not have a brain freeze on the days he doesn't perform.

Speaking of brain freeze, Ricky had one when he decided not to enforce the follow on. Or maybe he just wanted to let Watto get to that elusive hundred. Didn't work out too well for ya, eh Ricky?

The delicious event in that match was Kemar Roach getting Punter's wicket.

Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

T1D3: Saffers just want to bat really

I don't know if Graeme Swann and Anderson have been able to offer enough consolation to the Poms so here's my addition. SA's motto in life is to bat. They don't like being out there all at once. They just want to go two at a time (sometimes three if Smith's fat is cutting too deep in his uniform), while the rest are in the dressing room being couch potatoes. It's the only reason England were bowled out in a day. Having said that, I am going to gloat in this post and come off as very condescending because as an SA fan I've had a topsy-turvy year. Plus, Ashy P has already halved my joy. Ashy P needs to find a new team. Suckers XI.

Here comes the gloating. I take all the rubbish I said about Maky back. The over where he got Strauss sent chills down my spine. And of course the actual wicket stunned even Strauss. Not that anybody noticed because they were too busy lining up for their beers. But Maky still has in it him and that is a big fucking relief!

Next up, Paul Harris. This time I didn't see past the..you guessed it, FIVE WICKETS! I am aware of how many runs he gave, but thankfully my brain has perfected the selective memory process when it comes to these things. But I gotta ask, is Harris a good spinner? He keeps it simple and has no mystery balls but he sure gets results. Problem is I don't know if that is going to help him in the long run once people have figured out how to clobber him....Hi Johan!

As I watch the ball-by-ball six hours highlights, I see Friedel de Wet has found another way to make himself noticeable. A strange little hop during his run-up, like a porcupine on drugs. Very entertaining to watch. Specially when England is batting. Honestly, if you thought the Saffa batting innings was like watching your grandmother walk, what will you call the English batting innings? Go on. I am open to suggestions.

Of all the people, the Poms now have to get lessons from Swann on how to bat. So fucking funny! But what I really want to know is how Stuart Broad is feeling about all this. I do worry about his fragile Barbie heart you know. Hopefully his daddy will come and report Swanny for chucking. Wouldn't that work out wonderfully for everyone?

Morne didn't really suck despite picking up just one wicket and bowling six no balls. What the Saffers have managed to do here is keep the pressure on the Poms with some good bowling (most of the time...) even without wickets. Something that fell out of their brains completely during the ODI's. Oh well.

So that's my obnoxious, condescending post. Quite a pathetic attempt really. No worries. My crude, crasp, vulgar side will be back if the Saffers win this.

Finally, what the fuck is up with this pitch and what do you do when you win the toss at Super Sport Park?

P.S: I forgot to add- I am eternally grateful to Bell's parents for having conceived our Samantha.

T1D2: Let Ian Bell bowl

Why not? The Saffers have no intention of winning this, they are fighting for a draw. They are going to bat defensively all day long and tire the English bowlers out. It's not like they can come up with something brilliant without the impatience and the stupidity of the Saffer batsmen anyway (JP, Imma shave your brains...). And it's a brilliant plan okay? They don't have bowlers who can take wickets and three more tests after this. Sure it's fucked that they won't go for the win, but beggars can't be choosers. So it's fine. Even if it works better than your sleeping pill. You never said anything about entertainment! You just wanted to watch Test cricket. So watch and stop whining. Or ask CSA to fly Sulieman Benn in.

Mark Boucher can still bat in tests (how the Aussies will come to bite me in the ass about his 49 now!) and Onions the stinker hit Morne while Barbie went after Harris. Methinks Barbie was upset with Harris' perfect hair. His own has not been doing well lately. What with all the pulling and tearing while he tries to figure out how to pick up wickets on a pitch that does not assist his bowling. But it's okay dear. You are an all-rounder remember? You don't need to pick up wickets all the time. You are just there to assist the real pacers.

That's about it for the Saffers batting. Now onto the bowling. What? Who took five wickets? Sorry, I didn't see beyond the 110 runs. It was fucking brilliant! Out of the 418 Saffers runs, 110 came off Swannyg66. Twitter about that bastard!

"Gave 110 runs to the Saffers today. I wet myself with joy and Jimmy claimed he could wet himself better than me. Join us in our wet off!"

Right, onto the bowling. If you were at the ground watching the match live, AB de Villiers is the reason you didn't get a beer on Makhaya. I was appalled that he dropped that. How could you AB? People need beer. Give them their BEER!

But overall, it wasn't as woeful as I thought it would be. Wet certainly won some hearts by striking first but it was Cook. Even I would have gotten that wicket from here in Canada. However, the match is still even and that's all I'm asking for really.

Parting thought for today is, I like the referral system. Because it has worked for the Saffers so far, even with the Trott decision. It was dubious. There is no objectivity here and I'm sure you didn't even expect it. If it works for South Africa and Bangladesh it's great. If it doesn't,  DOWN WITH IT! Or not. We'll see.

The mystery of KP's beard

It was a dark, dreary night. A man with the three lions etched in his arm sat with his head hung low. He could not understand it. He could not understand it at all.

He was sure that they were going to make life hell for the new boy. After all, he too had left his motherland and done splendidly in England. Sure, he didn't have the obvious tattoo or the obnoxious hairstyle (come to think of it, he has no hair). He even admitted to still knowning his mother-tongue and chatted with his former team mates in Afrikaans. He smiled at them sweetly when they fondly called him 'Trotty'. BUT, he became a Kolpak! Why wasn't the crowd calling him a traitor?

No, he did not understand it. Instead of focusing all their energy on Trott, they were still shit-talking him! AFTER he had openly declared the standing ovation he got in his last visit was special. AFTER calling their number one all-rounder the best cricketer in the world. They are still on his case. Like they were last time. Despite the fact that there was a new Kolpak around. 

Why cruel world? Oh, the injustice! The unbearable pain! The incessant tears!

But wait, there is a solution. A saviour! A brilliant plan! A DISGUISE!

No one will question it, thanks to Hashim Amla.
Dean Jones is not around.
W.G. Grace had it (the English connection).
Why not?

Why not indeed.

I'm in heaven

Mascaraman and midget monstrosity Bell are both playing. I can't wait to watch them bat. Of course I hope it happens after the Saffers have made 400 plus, but whenever it happens I am going to stay up to watch. Even if it is at 4am.

Cooky might open, while Bell will bat down the order. So I might not get to watch them bat together, but if it happens, what a joyous ocassion that will be.

Mascaraman will pout his lips and crease his brows to give the illusion of concentration. Then he will miss or duck or nearly get himself out. Even if Wet is bowling. But note, the mascara will remain the smooth, clumpless, perfection that it is.

Bell will probably sustain a neck sprain from trying to spot the ball flying towards him from the skies. He could still score a decent total since he is really Samantha from Bewitched in real life.

The nose gave it away...

Mascaraman and his tiny witch. I can hear wedding bells. 

T1D1: Kallis in your face

Thank god for Jacques Kallis, you know what I am saying? When I turned on the television and saw they were 4 down with NO DALE STEYN (we will get to that later), I had a mini heart attack. Then I saw his broad shoulders clubbing Barbie for a four and I felt better. I also felt better at the thought of all those that dislike him, watching him get to yet another century (Watto and Kato, please take notes). And for once, just for once, England's bowling was even more boring than Jacques' batting.

The only aspect of that bowling attack I choose to remeber are the two sixes that were hit off Swannyg66. I also choose to remember poor Jimmy's tired face as he ran up to bowl. HAHA! Onions is such a fucking coward that Jimmy had to bowl with a dodgy knee because he had a calf strain. What a stinker! Drop him I say. Drop him for good.

Biff is too busy exercising his mouth (and other things...) over his batting these days. Fucktard! But look who got a game- Ashy P! He was painful to watch, but at least he was able to overcome Biff's stupidity. Which is a big feat. Always.

Dale Steyn is sitting this one out because they need him for the rest of the series. By some miracle twelve year old Friedel de Wet is replacing him instead of Parnie. WHAT THE FUCK! Looks like Mickey's also taken with Andy F's poppies.

But, we will talk about the shitty bowling tomorrow. For today, I am content that they haven't managed to blow their brains out.

Oh, Shaun Pollock and Geoffrey Boycott should always commentate together.

Not about Shane Watson

I am not going to say Watto made a cracking start, yet again.

I am not going to say Watto tried hard to reach the magic triple figures before lunch.

I am not going to say after he came back he nearly got himself out twice.

I am not going to say Watto got out on 89 AGAIN.

I am not going to mention Watto's shocked face as he walked off (as if he didn't already know it was going to happen).

I am not going to tell you that I was waiting for Watto to fall after his half century so I could write this.

I am not going to tell you that Watto is a funny mofo and really deserves an award for Best efforts at not reaching a century.

I am also not going to tell you that my reaction towards him is frequently: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nope. Not going to tell you any of the above.

Tyers, Biff & Freddie

That's a winning combination right there. Specially when Tyers is making fun of Biff and Freddie. In the same post. He takes a stab at Mickey too.

I want to be his groupie. Is that wrong?

Read it here and join my Alan Tyers Fanclub.

Some news

On the eve of the first test between the Saffers and the Poms, some exclusive, useless piece of news have come to my attention. I cannot help but share them with you, although I must tell you ladies should have easy access to boxes of tissue before reading any further.

Headlines:
-AB is short
-But AB still has a girlfriend
-Morne also has a girlfriend
-Dale's grandchild-you saw it here first!

AB is short

He might be brilliant at everything in the world, but AB is short. In case you still haven't picked him out in that picture, he is the one with glasses (needed urgently to separate him from 10 year olds). While many will see this as a shortcoming, literally, this may be the secret to AB's brilliant fielding. Small masses are better at defying friction to leap miles up, down or sideways after all.

But AB still has a girlfriend

The use of the word 'still' is misleading, as George Costanza will no doubt argue, but the rest of it is true. My trusty Saffer gossip fairies MJ and Milly have informed me of the following. You might think it is just a hug but if you click on MJ's link you will see a picture of the two gazing into each other's eyes. Also, this bit taken from Carly's blog (she is a journalist and a blogger) can be twisted to spread gossip.

"I also had to interview AB de Villiers, which was interesting, to say the least. And not just because he said some fascinating things"

While I am happy for AB (You, bawling in the corner. Be happy for him), I sincerely hope AB won't let this get in the way of his cricket. Like his brown hair did.

Morne also has a girlfriend

This bit of information came exclusively from Morne's facebook page, where he has changed his relationship status from 'single to in a relationship'. Before you brand me a stalker, I googled him and bumped into this. And even if I am a stalker, I suspect your boyfriends are really grateful because now you can go back to giving them attention instead of lusting after Morne. Morne is taken girls. Stop crying and wish him well for the upcoming test.

Dale's Grandchild

To stop management from checking him into rehab, Dale has finally shown us one of his grand kids. But, she seems to be a fan of Stuart Broad, as her t-shirt suggests. I think Dale's crap addiction is making him do strange things. Maybe, it will also strangely make him bowl well.

Right, that's all the news for today. Tomorrow we come back to talk about the Saffers playing cricket. Hopefully good cricket.

Bizzare things

- Kumar Sangakkara having a strike rate of 209.30
- 825 runs being scored in an ODI like the balls were coming from machines, rather than actually being bowled
-Harbajan having an economic rate of 5.80 with two wickets on a pitch that didn't assist bowlers
-Bowlers continuing to bowl like cricket actually gives a shit about their hard work

Why is it that people had such a problem when endless runs are being scored in Tests, but in ODI's it becomes entertainment? I have a problem with both. Sehwag and Dilshan were mindblowing, but somewhere, someone must have pity on the bowlers.

Are the legacies of Marshall, Donald, Akram, McGrath etc. dying?

Maybe.

Moises is a captain

I'll give you a minute to stop laughing.

Done? Okay.

So Stuart Clark was injured, more like depressed about his Test rejection, and NSW decided to announce, and I quote, "Australia's Golden Boy" as their captain.

This is where I remind you guys that Kieron Pollard likes to eat Moises (I have a crappy name) for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Moises has 24 First Class wickets, since his debut in 2006 and 25 List A wickets. I have no clue what List A is, but what about this record sounds golden? WHAT about this record makes him stand-in captain worthy?

Having talent is something else, but you have to be able to execute that into records to achieve something. People are praising him for playing a captain's knock because he added 65 runs to his top order's 207 in the first innings and took 3 wickets overall. And still lost. How very shocking!

It might be a tiny glitch, but I have heard that Australian players are bred to be the absolute best because at no point during their training are they given anything that they do not deserve. Even if it was their dying wish. And this is the Sheffield Cup, where most of the tough bastards are born.

But now, Shane Watson is still over-hyped, they can't find a decent wicket-keeper and modelling queen Michael Clarke is going to one day lead the Aussies in tests. The very thought of that sends my into hysterics. Do you see anyone in the team respecting this man as their captain?

A good batsman, yes. A team man, sure. A friend, maybe if he puts on a shirt. But a captain? Every time he gives an insipirational talk, his team-mates are going to picture him topless, hiding his privates with his fingers.

What is wrong with Australian cricket?

No draws please!

NO! Pakistan is going to bat till the last test match is a draw. COWARDS!

C'mon, give the Kiwis a decent chance to bat. You have Aamer and Asif, what the fuck are you afraid of?

C'mon! It has been so awesome so far. Don't fucking play safe and ruin it ALL.

C'mon Kamran, GIVE UP YOUR WICKET. Don't worry about match fixing allegations. If you give it to Dan, no one will suspect you.

Collapse Pakistan collapse! Or declare.

Aah, Danish heard me.

YES! All out! Go Kiwis Go!

RAIN? But this is not South Africa...

Meaning of Uda's Name

Someone asked me this and I had no idea. So I thought I'd turn to my best friend google to find out what each of Welegedara's name means. I wasn't that successful (second time Google has failed me...) but this is better than nothing.

Uda= Up and Udha= To blow. So really, it's to blow up
Walawwe= Mischevious stuff
Mahim= Someone who is great
Bandaralage= A monkey that is needed
Chanaka= Nuisance 
Asanga= To shake
Welegedara= Broken down in two parts, 'wele' is something to do with adult movies and 'gedara' means home

I had to go through three different languages to decipher this and some of the meanings are actually for words that sound similar to his names. But there you have it.

He is a mischevious boy, destined for greatness, who can be a bit of a nuisance as he likes to blow up wickets and shake things. His alter ego is a much needed monkey who feels at home when things around him have to do with adult movies.

I don't know what this means.

The Makhaya Question

Maky has been everywhere lately, as the first coloured player from South Africa to play in 100 tests. It is a freaking awesome feat and while I am thrilled for him, I am also slightly concerned.

The final XI has not been announced yet and Maky is giving interviews everywhere about how he never dreamt he would be here, about the first time he got his cap etc. Isn't that borderline emotional blackmail?

I would have no problem with that, except Maky has been out of action of eons and he was dropped because he was terrible. Sure, most of it was in the ODI's but if you can't bowl 10 proper overs without getting smacked, how are you going to bowl half a day? And if you are bowling rubbish, you will be hit for boundaries no matter what format you are playing in.

I am scared that the selectors are going to give Maky a game and then not only will he ruin South Africa's chances, he will also fuck up memories of his 100th test because he is out of practice. Like Murali and his last test.

Or is he going to make a quick turn around because this is his 100th test? In which case, what kind of a stupid motivation is that?

Fast bowlers and their form are an epic mystery to me.

Vote

The topic for this afternoon is more other bloggers than cricket I guess, but this one holds some importance so read carefully.

World Cricket Watch has introduced a Cricket Website Award. A host of great sites have been nominated and you should go and vote for them because you read more than half of them regularly. Even if they offend you and piss you off, you are drawn to them every god damn day of your life.

Here's a little teaser, under Best Cricket Blog the nominations are King Cricket, Cricket with Balls and BCC!. Oh fuck! Who do you vote for? Yes, I had the same problem. Unfortunately, I don't think the coveted ICC ranking system will be able to help you out here, so you must make a decision and vote. No one will ever know anyway.

Also nominated under Best New Cricket Blog is my dear friend Sid from Thoughts from the Dustbin. She is an Australian living in England, counting down to the next Ashes so she can stop suffering. What more do you need to know?

No, I am not telling you who I voted for.

Freddie and Socks

Since I am coming to this a little late, I'm sure all of you have already heard about Flintoff's new range of socks. The artist in Flintoff has come alive after his retirement and instead of painting shit with cricket balls, he has resorted to designing socks.

Why socks you ask? Good question. The socks will magnetically draw your attention away from your knees, which in Flintoff world is always a priority. I've already sent them an email suggesting Joe Denly should be the face of this.

The socks will also come in handy when you want to stuff your mouth before making an utterly obnoxious comment to a batsman, resulting in complete demolition of your team-mate's ego. Broad will get a free sample so he can gag Freddie for 'that day'.

Finally, the socks and its designs will make for a delightfully absurd conversation to hide the fact that you are drunk and the real reason you are saying nonsense is because you have been chugging everything with alcohol in it since your birth. They are trying to land Andrew Symonds to market this but he seems to have dropped from the face of the Earth.

If any of the above is appealing, I suggest you buy Freddie's socks this Christmas. But if I were you, the only Freddie related thing I would buy is Jrod's new book on the Ashes, where Freddie becomes Jesus.

Was the transformation from socks to Jesus or Jesus to socks? Either way, it's a miracle and that is really the essence of Christmas.

Biff, again!

A friend of mine recently sent me a video and asked me a question. The enormity of this question is such that I cannot put it into words. Combined with the video, it is quite daunting. The question was "How can you hate Graeme Smith?". And the video is this:



This is a man who likes poking his team-mates in the ass, to make teenage girls giggle and clap. This is also the man who possibly fulfills his team-mates' inner desires, as Morne did not seem to mind much. This video is ideal for the Love Biff campaign, as my friend and the five star rating on Youtube is trying to tell me. It's the video that will help Biff win over the hearts of millions all over the world.

How then can I hate Graeme Smith? What is the matter with me?

Give in to the power of the video Purna, give in to the power.

I think I am going to crumble under the pressure.

It's me

Apologies for the sudden disappearance. Turns out textbooks have more to say than all of bloggerdom combined. But with the first test just four days away, the nerd has been shown the door and the cricket fan has been released from her hell-hole. Only to find at that the English cricket team has been infested by impostors.

Cricinfo tells me that someone by the name of Graeme Swann has taken six wickets in some warm-up match. Now the Graeme Swann I know, is only capable of doing that in his home ground against unstable teams. The unstable part may still hold, as this is some South African Invitation team, but although it says the match took place in East London, it's not quite the same. So I can only conclude that someone has decided to impersonate the man, while he happily twitters himself into oblivion. This guy is so good that even his team-mates have been fooled and are calling him one of their key factors. In case you did not know, I don't like Swannyg66, but this is cruel and the impostor really must be punished for making the world believe that Swann is good at anything else other than twittering. Having said that, if this is the real guy I look forward to watching him do the same in the tests. I also look forward to watching Julia Roberts, in the form of Ryan Sidebottom, take five wickets.

No, I have not started liking them. But I realized over the last few days that every person I have dismissed as a mediocre cricketer have begun to perform. Obviously it is an effort to impress me, as I am a very important factor in their lives, but being proven 'wrong' time and time again is fucking annoying. Not that any of them have because warm-up matches don't mean shit. But I really do like it when England underperform as you already know. Since I have started blogging, they've won the Ashes, knocked the Proteas out of the Champions Trophy and even clinched the ODI series in Saffaland. This is not good for my mood and I like to be happy. In my own twisted, sadistic way. So I am refraining from taking the piss out of them just in case they do something silly like win against the Saffers while trying to impress me. I suspect this will only last for a couple of hours, but if England can be applauded for trying their best for a gazillion years, why can't I?

I also suspect this series will take a toll on me, physically and emotionally. I need to find a way to protect myself. Maybe I should just follow Andy Flower, who is the epitome of being high in this picture.

Poppies duuuuudddeee!

Mascaraman is back

In their warm-up match against Saf XI, Mascaraman is currently 66 not out. He scored 34 and 22 in the other warm-up matches and 11 and 26 in the real matches. So don't fret. It doesn't mean anything. Mascaraman's forte is warm-up games. He doesn't like his batting to be burning hot. It makes his mascara run.

In the same match the Saffa bloods fell for 1 (Strauss), 11 (Trott) and 27 (KP). We are waiting for Michael Vaughan's statement. Unfortunately, he is not Pakistani. Otherwise all match fixing allegations would have taken priority over hair commitments. Yes, he looks like a creep there.

Speaking of Vaughan, he has told the press that the Saffa bowling attack has only Dale Steyn really so the Poms can just practice against machines and they'll be ready for the tests. Luke Wright has promptly gone into hiding, Morne Morkel just absorbed his words (that's all I am going to tell you for now) and Mickey Aurthur is on a ledge somewhere screaming "More Michael, more!". Of course he could also be talking about the hair.

Another interesting piece of article on Crapinfo is about how Andy F. and Andy S. are worried that they won't be able to balance a test side without a proper all-rounder. The picture used was that of Luke Wright's. Golden boy Barbie got this mention however:

Broad at No. 7 would be the most attacking, almost gung-ho, route England could take -"Let's hit South Africa with all we've got." For better or worse, it would make for entertaining cricket.

Just entertaining, nothing else. Last seen, Barbie is wearing her prom dress and remembering her prom queen days to make herself feel better about the fact that she is STILL not considered an all-rounder. Even after the Ashes.

Life is so unfair at times.

AB my baby

CSA has a competition going on in their Facebook fan page where you have to tell them why AB is your baby.You must get over there now.

Tell them that you are sick of your own kids and would like to hit them but something silly like 'laws' prohibit you.

Tell them AB's better looking than your children and that's really why you wanted kids in the first place. To show them off to the world.

Tell them that whatever it is you wanted your children to be, AB's already done it...and more.

Tell them that you want to comb his hair, feed him greens and sing him lullabies.

AB's opened your eyes to the wonders of motherhood and broken all the walls that you had built.

AB needs a mother. Will it be you?

If you are still in denial, think about it. You get to wear this fabulous t-shirt and tell the world that you are simply obsessed because your child is AB de Villiers.


They will understand. After all they had fought for the t-shirt too.

If you fought hard and didn't get the T-shirt, you can tell me here why AB is your baby. I too will give you something special.