The Dancing Bowler

I have a soft corner for Sreesanth. Everytime, and I mean everytime, I have writer's block or no material to write about, Sreesanth crops up.

For instance, this latest quote on Crapinfo:

" Everybody knows I can dance well and I can bowl fast too. There are only a few bowlers who can do that "

-Sreesanth knows he has a rare combination of talents

How those lovely words found each other and in under what circumstances, I do not know. But I am not a journalist and always happy to make up shit. So here is the real story.

Darling Sreesanth was recently fired from his job as captain of the Kerala cricket team. Further, he was not informed by the Kerala Cricket Association (KCA), but rather heard it from friends. This upset Sree tremendously but KCA is so immune to his tantrums (I am assuming there have been others) that they are not bothered. So Sreesanth is thinking about quitting Kerala, which might mean anything from moving from the state itself to just never playing for their cricket team. Either way, the loss is Kerala's because...everbody knows Sree can dance well and bowl fast too. There are only a few bowlers who can do that.

KCA are so thick-headed and uninsightful that they cannot spot this rare gem of a player. Dancing is such a criticial skill to have when you want you are bowling a bouncer at 150kph. Why else would Darren Gough be the winner of Strictly Come Dancing and Juan Theron put Shilpa Shetty to shame on the IPL dance floors? Rumour has it that even has a police officer, Shane Bond pursued his dancing career and if you dig a little deeper, you are sure to find out that Allan Donald was the first winner of So you think you can Dance.

He probably has the essential skills to be a good captain too, but only Sree knows what they are. Maybe he will reveal it to us through yet another quote right before he actually does leave Kerala:

"Everybody knows I can be emotional and I can be a good captain too. There are only a few cricketer that can do that".
-Sreesanth knows he is a rare combination of every joker in this world. 

Figuring out Sreesanth

You might conclude from my obsession with the bald man that I like bad boys in general. That is not the case. Honestly, I only like bad boys by the name of Herschelle Gibbs because of what he can do on the field. Which basically means Sreesanth is not somebody I am fond of.

He has the potential, but he wastes it all on clapping and crying. Sometimes even dancing.I doubted he did much else off the field and I was right. When I googled Sree I found all these videos of him dancing and that's when everything fell into place.

The guy is in the wrong profession. And to prove it, here's a video where he is dragged on stage by Sharukh Khan to dance. He says he isn't ready, but will try his best. Then he just busts out all these moves with the twenty dancers copying him to perfection. Just like a Bollywood movie.



Next, he shows up in some reality show in costume and all and hops and jumps everywhere. He even rolls on the ground. But his biggest achievement is inspiring Wasim Akram to come on stage with him. Wasim dances with a girl, not so reluctantly.



Notice, Durby is not so amused through most of it.

I doubt he is able to inspire any amateur bowler the way he inspired one of cricket's greatest players. Surely that is a clear cut sign that he belongs on stage and not on a cricket field? Somebody go and tell him. Let's not allow another person to perish in a job which isn't for them.

BTW, I forgot to mention. Don't watch the videos till the end. You might die.

Twitter war

Graeme Smith tweets this morning during the Rajasthan vs Punjab game,

"Sreesanth behaving like a 5 year old again!!"

Sreesanth, not too far from technology himself, logs into his twitter account and replies,

"Graeme Smith is obsessed with Sreesanth's manly face and naiive demeanour. Cage Smith, help Sreesanth"

Enraged by the homosexual allegations Smith replies,

"Sreesanth is an idiot and behaves like a 5 year old...again!!"

Sreesanth's rebuttal,

 " Sreesanth's way is the aggressive way but Sreesanth has learnt peace since Bhajji slapped Sree. So Sreesanth will do the bhangra dance and maybe Smith will stop loving Sreesanth then."

GraemeSmith49:

"Sreesanth is a 5 year old idiot who dances like a 5 year old idiot!!"

SSreesanth:

"Bhajji likes my dancing, so Sreesanth is happy. Sreesanth does not like Graeme Smith. Sreesanth tell Yusuf Abdullah to slap him"

GraemeSmith49:

"HAHA! Yusuf is junior to Graeme Smith and also a 5 year old idiot!!"

SSreesanth:

"Sreesanth will not cry, Sree won't cry, no no no....Sreesanth is crying! Sree will not continue this war anymore as Sree can't see Sree's monitor through the tears. Preity, please give Sree a hug."

GraemeSmith49:

"Wait! You can't walk out now! I thought of a new insult! You look like a 5 year old...MONKEY!"

And some other animal that Graeme didn't know the name of:

This picture is courtesy of Republique Cricket. Thanks for the perfect ending Suave!

Sreesanth's twitter account may or may not be legitimate. That does nothing to hamper this fictitious but soon to be true war.

Hersch-bad boy no more

I have proof, courtesy of Aditya.

I know Hersch isn't very good at covering his tracks but he isn't this blatant either. Plus, I am pretty sure he doesn't wear a wig.

Ooh, a bald man you thought! Must be that idiot Gibbs upto no good again. Oh no, no, no. Look how wrinkled his shirt is. Hersch is always immaculately dressed. 

Sorry, he doesn't wear glasses either.

Try and spot him, you won't be able to. He isn't there. Although Dave Warner is and he is bloody short! 

Here, I'll even give you a link. See if you can find a single picture of Herschelle Gibbs in the parties.

http://toi.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/ipl/photos/iplphoto/4572785.cms

No? I thought so. Because he is here, and that's where he is staying put!

Smith in twitter controversy

During the Rajasthan Royal vs Punjab game, Graeme Smith tweeted the following:

Good start 4 the royals!pls tell me if sreesanth really needs to behave like such an idiot!!!!

CSA moved swiftly and quickly (a necessary redudancy to stress on how fast they moved) to control the damage. Graeme Smith's twitter account has been suspended indefinitely and he is to see Gerald Majola in a hearing at 6am Cape Town time. Also present in the hearing will be John Howard writing a practical exam for the ICC. Giles Clark will be present, through webcam and in his pajamas. Details of the pajamas are to be kept secret.

Sreesanth started excreting body fluids in the form of tears since Smith pressed enter as he wears an ear piece connected to his phone in his pocket, which gives him twitter updates. One with technology you know, this future generation. Anyway, last heard, he may be able to bring the Dead Sea to life. 

Somewhere, someone has cried racism. It's still obscure, but will be prominent very, very soon. No one in India gives a shit, as it is only Sreesanth and probably justified.

Of course, all that you just read is fictional and it may or may not happen. What is NOT fictional is the fact that Punjab lost and Sreesanth swore. Like the 15 other players in this IPL.  

In retrospect

South Africa's record in the past two series now reads 2 draws and 1 loss. If you really think about it, it should have been three wins.

Really, they should have won 3-1 against England and 1-0 against India. They messed up twice in the second test. Once in the first innings after tea and the second time on the last day, right after Hash and Ashy P had settled down. Parnie and Morne should never have been in that situation. And Kallis should not have played that shot.

They should also have won the first ODI, meaning they would have won this 2-1 as well.

"If only" is a phrase too often used by a Protea fan. It's always if this, if that, if only we had been the first to bat.

Consolation wins mean ziltch after sometime. Because during the dead-rubber matches, the Saffers are so mind-blowingly brilliant that you actually wish your mind was an atomic bomb that could burst on command. Their inconsistency makes Pakistan look rock steady.

Everybody was brilliant today. I was particularly proud of my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. Did you see that ball that turned away, peeked at Sreesanth and decided to go straight for his legs? That one was fun! AB was fun to watch too. As was Tsotsobe. I really love that guy, but I don't know if he can replace Parnie. Unless he is injured of course.

But the reality is, this was an inexperienced Indian team. They didn't have their frontline bowling attack...if you can call Durby a frontline bowler. The Saffers knew this and they bullied them to death.

Honestly, I did not expect the Saffers to even achieve this. But then I thought, why shouldn't I? They are a friggin' brilliant team, as the first test demonstrated. They conquered Sachin, Sehwag, Gambhir, Dhoni and Zaheer there. But these bursts and fizzles are getting very,very hard to handle. Next up is the IPL, meaning another long-ass break for the team. Just when they were beginning to get their groove back.

And Dale just said in an interview that he thought this was a good series. If only he was right!

House warming

The reason behind Crashraful's hair tearing form is now clear. He has been planning the biggest career move of his life.

He bought a house. But that's not it. He was planning the perfect house warming, an event where batting legend Sachin Tendulkar and slapmaster Durbhajan Singh were to attend.

Clearly preparing this feast has been the main focus of his mind for the past years. What do you feed Sachin Tendulkar after all? How do you even decorate the house for him?

I would say put lots of pictures of fast bowlers crying. He would like that. And feed him everything in the country of course. I see fish, rice, chicken, beef, water, pepsi...good going Crashraful. You even got the Mumbai Indians to sponsor this dinner.

Look at how upset Durby is about not getting the fish from Crashraful. Chill dude. He probably has Sreesanth as entertainment later. Sreesanth will give you a lap dance.

Hey Sachin, teach him how to use his brain in return okay? The guy went through so much trouble for you, planning this shit for years. Stuff you till you blow up all over the place. What's for dessert Raful? Surely cake in the form of cricket balls.

Raful just enrages me, but if you look at it from a slightly sane perspective that is not such a shabby dinner party. I mean, how cool would it be to have Sachin Tendulkar at your house warming? Even if you are not a fan.

Raful has finally inspired me to do something. When I buy my first house I'm getting Jacques Kallis to cut the ribbon. Think I should have some extra food in the fridge?

The Sreesanth Test

I wasn't too excited to write about this one, specially because Sri Lanka lost and India, if they win the next one, becomes number one in tests. That is till the Saffers take on England of course. But still, number one for a few days is still number one.

Me supporting Sri Lanka also doesn't mean I wanted them to take the series because then they too would have overthrown the Saffers. So I guess as long as they win the next test and the series is a draw, I am fine with India taking this one.

I am also fine with India taking this one because of Sreesanth. Really, I didn't know he was such a good bowler, with all the drama that usually surrounds him. I watched a little bit of the highlights (as my life is getting in the way of watching cricket at the moment), and I have to say the guy bowled well. He seems to have learnt that sometimes, the best way to get on the news is actually play cricket. Even then, a quick look at some of the blogs will tell you that people are patiently waiting for him to open his mouth and say something so incredibly obnoxious that they can go back to making fun of him.

The price of being a bad celebrity.

Anyway, till then he was brilliant and he deserves a round of applause. As does India...and me for resisting the temptation to say something about how Sri Lanka performed. See, I didn't even use a negative term in that sentence. *clap clap*