What a break does to you

Pictures courtesy of Cricket South Africa:

Can't...run..too..much..beer

Methinks a liposuction is in order 

You are a friggin' FAST BOWLER!

Err, missed him much Hash?

See, I wasn't completely on crack when I insisted that they should play ALL THE TIME! 

And yes Maky is back. As is Justin Kemp. At least for the training.

The adoption of ROFL

Children, it's been decided. For months now I have struggled with the decision to adopt this strange looking yet absolutely endearing alien. Most of the time my struggle was directly correlated to his performance on the pitch.

Wickets= leaning towards adoption.
Wicket less = Hell no!

Then he got dropped from the ODI team, came back, performed miserably got dropped again...I didn't have time to support his difficult days. He has a wife for that, which incidentally is news to me. The mother is always the last to know, how very typical.

I only wanted to revel in his good days. I mean, if I wanted a troubled child I would have one of my own. Why adopt an alien?

But now, I have no choice. Even though he is not back in the squad and kind of proving himself to be a little shit and predictable, I am left with no other option but to adopt him. A great force has compelled me. This force, unfortunately, did not rise from hidden maternal instincts. Instead, it was born out of a pair of pants.

ROFL went to CSA's annual golf day in these pants.
ROFL let other people see him in these pants.
ROFL posed for a picture in these pants.

He might not be my son yet, but he is a Protea and no member of my team shall ever look like...well, like this! A half man, half zebra with an alien residing in the middle. This is a crime against humanity, nearly punishable by death although, I am pretty sure PETA will kill us before we can kill that zebra.

I think we can safely say that ROFL will have to work really hard to become a regular in the squad again but there is no reason why he can't look like a normal person while he is at it. That is where I come in. From now on, ROFL is my son.

You can address all gifts to me. I will pass them onto him when he comes of age.

Sequels always disappoint anyway

Last year, the match between Pakistan and South Africa was one that people were looking forward to. Everybody wanted to know if the Saffers were going to choke or finally make it to the finals of an ICC tournament. If they were going to choke it was going to be good comedy, if not then it was going to be good comedy as well...considering the other team was Pakistan and the events that usually unfold after almost all their tournament exits. Either way, it was a game we were going to enjoy and we knew it.

Saffers lost, people laughed and eventually Pakistan went to win the World Cup. High drama, tension, crazy Afridi moments, unpredictability and even a heroic attempt from Jacques Kallis. All the characteristics of the perfect summer blockbuster.

This year when the sequel inevitably came out, people were at two-minds about it. Neither the Saffers nor the Pakistanis were in form. Both teams were missing the point (the point being winning helps), both teams were being captained by unimaginative, hairy people but both teams were in a do or die situation. Saffers were slightly on top, as winning the match would at least give them a fighting chance regardless of who won the next one. Pakistanis needed to win AND have England win theirs.

Too many ifs, buts and whatevers. Too many players acting like they were auditioning for matches, rather than playing it. Too much green.

But people still hoped for a good match. Some were sure Pakistan was going to own SA again, others thought even a stuttering SA was too good for them. Yet others thought, why try to beat Pakistan when Pakistan can beat themselves?

Pakistan won the toss and batted first, like last time. They even started terribly. Then they consolidated and eventually reached a respectable score. The match was different, yet there was some familiar bits and pieces. Only, Botha didn't bowl like a dodo bird (ROFL replaced him) and Charl played Parnie's role, but better. Overall, the Saffers did more than okay with the ball, despite Umar Akmal trying to fluoroscent his way through the attack.

Then the chasing began and here was the difference between last summer's blockbuster and the sequel. Within the year Saffers had forgotten how to bat, specially their top three. AB replaced Jakes as this summer's hero; he even swore. But then, like every Saffa batsman these days, he got out the minute he started to clear the boundary. To the 'shitscoop' too. At least that's what Dilshan seems to have taught him.

JP got out before someone could blame him for slowing down his team again and the Saffers fell to yet another spinner, only it was Saeed Ajmal. Ultimately they lost and people happily called them chokers despite the fact that they have been doing the exact same thing in limited overs for about seven months now.

Yes, the differences had a familiar tone in this sequel. Hence, the changes didn't work, nobody was super excited and the match was not a blockbuster. Specially if you are a Saffa fan. But then the Kiwi-England match happened and people could happily forget the disappointing sequel.

Now the unpredictable Pakistanis are in the semis and still have a chance to retain their cup. If that happens, then there is sure to be a third part to this story, which will be even worse.

Remember the Matrix Revolutions?

The good, the bad and the mushy

The good:
-Saffers won comprehensively. Also qualifies under "the shocking".
-Saffers found form, specially AB and Albie. Another "the shocking".
-Morne bowled well in a T20 match (man I should just rename this the shocking!)
-Botha coming out of his mourning period since the loss of his doosra and bending his elbows in new and legal ways to deceive the Sumo himself!
-One eyed Charl.
-Saffers finally figuring out where to use Albie...the 15th over. The melted brains work after all.
-Dan the man showing emotions by shaking his hips mid-air. The dude can also dance, I may just have to clone him.
-The Kiwis still making a match out of it ( I do like them you know)

The bad:
-Albie still bowling.
-Jakes and his wonderful strike rate of just a little above hundred. What happened to the IPL form old man?
-Jakes' hairline receding even further! "Boucherzel, Boucherzel, lend him your hair".
-Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL getting dropped, coming on as a sub AND misfielding! This allowed bastard Buffalo to insult ROFL by calling on Dale, whom ROFL had subbed. Dale was suspiciously tying the strings of his pajamas at that time.
-Ross Taylor being shit. 
-Saffers building themselves up to be favourites before the tournament is done again...

The mushy:
-My Hersch replacing Bosman.
-My Hersch hitting fours.
-My Hersch hitting sixes.
-My Hersch taking stunning catches.
-My Hersch ensuring his place in the side for the rest of the games.
-My Hersch fielding like a fucking genius.
-My Hersch inspiring this awesome post over at Cricbuzz.

Dear God, I know I am not your favourite child but PLEASE make sure Gibbsy retains this form and plays till I am dead.

Thank you.

Sabotage deux

Since it's time for allegations again, I have one of my own. There is obviously an Indian connection, because no accusation is complete without a trail back to the subcontinent. Only in cricket though. For the rest of the world, no accusation is complete without a connection to the Middle East. But with Afghanistan making a mark, this may also be true in the world of cricket soon.

This is not a match fixing allegation but one of sabotage. The accused is Praveen Kumar and at the receiving end we have his beloved RCB team-mate and South Africa's only hope in the upcoming T20 World Cup, Jacques Kallis. The chosen method of sabotage was arm-wrestling, which was clearly meant to be a friendly match. But here's a picture of Praveen realizing in the middle that this is his chance to make sure that Jacques Kallis does not play when South Africa meets India in the group stages. Thus, he attempts to break Kallis' hand:

 Picture courtesy of Prafs

Judging from Jakes' current form the plan may or may not have worked. But he is clearly in pain and one more attempt may put him out for a few weeks. And there may be more as Jakes is there for another 2 weeks or so. Realizing the gravity of the situation, my alien soon-to-be-adopted son (we have reconciled and are trying to be a family again), ROFL have volunteered to donate his arm to Jakes, in case Praveen succeeds.

 
Picture courtesy of Official Website of RCB

That's right, team-mates for life! Oh and Praveen, even though he plays for Rajasthan, Morne wanted you to know that he is not amused.

Harro plans his WC campaign

I kid you not. Paul Harris has left the Titans in order to play MTN40...so he can prepare himself for the upcoming World Cup. Paul Harris wants to play in WC 2011 in the subcontinent where there will be no fifth day turning pitches. In fact, I am pretty sure that there will be no pitches that can make Harro's ball turn. Why? Well, because such pitches don't exist yet.

He wants to add to his 3 ODI's and 42 List A games. He has taken about 3 wickets in the 3 ODI's at a stunning strike rate of 60 and an average of 27.66. But at least his economic rate has been 2.76, which is not too bad. However, his case can only be made through his List A figures:

42 matches, 1251 runs, 47 wickets, average of 26.61, strike rate 37.2 and economic rate of 4.28. He even has a five wicket haul. But fuck me if that isn't rubbish. ROFL's strike rate in List A is at least 8 lower and the bugger has 97 wickets from 63 matches. I'll refrain from making a comparison with Botha because his figures are even worse than Paul's.

Yet Botes is in the ODI team.

So should the Saffers go for the man who has more experience playing ODI's or the man who has better List A figures? Dropping ROFL is out of the question of course, because his alien friends might eat Majola. But I suspect Botes and Harro will have to battle it out. Except this is the fucking World Cup and really, shouldn't we be judging Harro by ACTUAL ODI's? Even if he has only three of them under his belt, he was clearly terrible. And they were all played against Bangladesh in..wait for it...BANGLADESH!

Where is the World Cup taking place? Yes, I believe Bangladesh is one of the hosts. They may not play there but it's the fucking sub-continent! And Harro has played only 3 god damn ODI's there!

Plus, Harro isn't much of a bowler...but you already know that so I don't have to repeat all of it again. Lastly, I suspect that by the time the WC gets here, everybody will have figured out how to belt the shit out of him.

As if they haven't already.

Oh the injustice!

How to IPL-ize foreign players:

1) Choose one of your million sponsors.
2) Conceptualize a commercial in under five minutes. Preferably over the toilet, under extreme pressure.
3) Choose foreign players willing to go Bollywood.
    Note: Brett Lee chargers too much since the movie debut so this is no longer easy.
4) Abduct an alien cricketer and teach him Bollywood dance moves under the guise of an experiment. Feed him lots of spicy chicken before that.
5) Ask for his mates as ransom.
6) Put all three in a hotel room and in a club. Not necessarily in that order.
7) Threaten to put them in a tub full of spicy chicken if they don't do as asked.
8) Film the commercial.



Thanks Anon AB en Bouch for making me officially abondon all plans to adopt ROFL.

In retrospect

South Africa's record in the past two series now reads 2 draws and 1 loss. If you really think about it, it should have been three wins.

Really, they should have won 3-1 against England and 1-0 against India. They messed up twice in the second test. Once in the first innings after tea and the second time on the last day, right after Hash and Ashy P had settled down. Parnie and Morne should never have been in that situation. And Kallis should not have played that shot.

They should also have won the first ODI, meaning they would have won this 2-1 as well.

"If only" is a phrase too often used by a Protea fan. It's always if this, if that, if only we had been the first to bat.

Consolation wins mean ziltch after sometime. Because during the dead-rubber matches, the Saffers are so mind-blowingly brilliant that you actually wish your mind was an atomic bomb that could burst on command. Their inconsistency makes Pakistan look rock steady.

Everybody was brilliant today. I was particularly proud of my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. Did you see that ball that turned away, peeked at Sreesanth and decided to go straight for his legs? That one was fun! AB was fun to watch too. As was Tsotsobe. I really love that guy, but I don't know if he can replace Parnie. Unless he is injured of course.

But the reality is, this was an inexperienced Indian team. They didn't have their frontline bowling attack...if you can call Durby a frontline bowler. The Saffers knew this and they bullied them to death.

Honestly, I did not expect the Saffers to even achieve this. But then I thought, why shouldn't I? They are a friggin' brilliant team, as the first test demonstrated. They conquered Sachin, Sehwag, Gambhir, Dhoni and Zaheer there. But these bursts and fizzles are getting very,very hard to handle. Next up is the IPL, meaning another long-ass break for the team. Just when they were beginning to get their groove back.

And Dale just said in an interview that he thought this was a good series. If only he was right!

Tempting Allan

Dear Allan,

How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.

But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .

I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.

Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?

Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.

JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.

Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?

Stay Allan. I beg you.

Saffers go to India

To take on the team who took the numero uno status from them. The Incessant Crack Consumers give these titles out, so who really cares? Except we all do and so do they. Nobody's buying this "they are just stats" bullshit, so stop selling.

I already see problems with the squad. Paul Harris and Johan Botha are in the test team as specialist spinners.But if not them, who else you ask? Well...nobody. That's how sad the situation is. I had once written about how ROFL and Botes had finally become spinners and it wasn't a seasonal thing etc.etc. Turns out I should learn to shut my pie hole. And Botha should find a way to be effective without the doosra.

But you got to make do with what you have right? So here's the way to deal with Paul Harris. Send him off on a tour of India on foot. Tell him he should be back in time for the first test. Except he won't. And you will at least have put in a decent performance. Well, as decent as you can with a man who hasn't played tests since 2008. And JP Duminy.

MY HERSCHELLE IS BACK! Who doubted him again? Show your face so I can smash it into pieces!
(He will play right Mickey...?)

Anyway, here are the squads:

Test squad Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe.

ODI squad Graeme Smith (capt), Loots Bosman, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Herschelle Gibbs, Jacques Kallis, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Roelof van der Merwe.

Of course, despite all odds being against them I am hoping the Saffers win and Harro has a good tour. If Hauritz can do it Harro so can you. YES YOU CAN!

But in all honesty, I am really hoping AB de Villiers releases a chart-topping single with Asha Bhonsle. AB, you can also do it.

Dear Santa, from the Saffers

Dear Santa,

I shouldn't believe in you but you get me gifts and I do like that. However, it looks like you got me my CD for Christmas...not one,  not two but ten of them. You were supposed to put those in my team mates' stocking, not mine. You know that's what I wanted for Christmas, for people to buy my CD. I also put a brilliant photo of me taking a fantastic catch on the cover (and an insert of Ampie) and now I have to sit here and enjoy them myself. All I wanted was for the world to listen to my music, look at my picture and spread positivity. You denied me that chance. I am very upset and now I demand six centuries in the next three tests. But, I am not a negative person so I will leave you with this...Stay Sharp!


Dear Santa,

Did you get my gifts to my grand kids? I have yet to hear from them. Please tell them not to be mad at me. I am trying very hard to come back for the second test. Although Friedel is hop-stalking me and looking for a chance to injure me so he can keep his rightful place in the team. Did I say rightful? Sorry I didn't mean that. I say a lot of things before I think, like the IPL holiday...oops! There, I did it again. Anyway, what I want for Christmas is a new hat and some more time to relax on the benches. No, wait. I want to be fit for tomorrow. Is that what you wanted me to say Kass? Okay. I want to be fit. And...(whispers) if you have time can you please teach me how to bowl again? I'm having some memory issues. Okay. Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

I want you to get Paul Harris a life-long membership to Burger King so he can stuff his face till he explodes. I know he has taken wickets for the test team but when will I get my chance? I have the bulldog factor you know. Plus I have all those extraterrestial family members who can eat the opposition's brain on my command. Can Harro do that? I swear I will let my family loose on them if they don't take me in the test team. My soon-to-be-foster-mother Cricket Minded has taught me to screw people over to get ahead in life. It's a very good motto and I am going to follow it. GET HARRIS THE COUPONS NOW! I WANT TO PLAY! Oh, got too excited. Anyway, I'll be waiting for my phone call. Merry Christmas!

Test Squad

South Africa squad: Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, Friedel de Wet, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Makhaya Ntini, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn.

-They are hoping that Jakes is fit for the first test. I am not wasting time on hope. They need Jakes. Everybody needs Jakes, but that's a separate issue. I am ordering someone to donate their ribs to him. For the Proteas. No, not you KP. Settle down.

"But I wuv him!"

Note, that picture also qualifies for the Scandalous posts.

-They have five fast bowlers in the squad now. Dale is pretending to be injured while he comes to terms with his addiction to crap and Mak hasn't played since the last ice age. So these are the backups. The problem is, the backups are kind of inexperienced. *puts one toe down in panic mode*

-No Albie Morkel, but Morne instead. There is a God after all.

-No adopted son ROFL. Didn't really expect him to be there. But still. My life is strangely incomplete without aliens.

-Alviro Peterson is in after making an impression in the ODI's. Very nice. Although I am pretty certain he is just there so Ashwell Prince does not get a chance. Ashy P is the official King of players that get sidelined just for the heck of it.

Prediction: Am not making any. I am not Glenn McGrath. Although I do talk to pigeons.

Rushed

Sorry, another busy day is upon me. I did get a chance to browse through a wide array of cricket news for a few minutes though, so I'm leaving you with my amalgam of random cricket thoughts.

1) AB de Villiers thinks the series is like two heavyweight boxers going at each other. I got a shocking image of Stuart Broad in his Barbie outfit being chased around the ring by mini, adopted, son ROFL. Of course ROFL's alien is screaming obscenities at him and Broad is trying to offer him tea from his very own kitchen as a peace offering.

2) Michael Clarke and Lara Bingle may have split...or not. Apparently, Lara's young ways is creating problems between the two. Really? And here I was thinking 22 is the perfect age to settle down with a guy whose career you have absolutely no interest in. What a bunch of funny idiots these celebrity-types are! Also quite hilarious is this picture, where Lara has a net on her head and Clarke is looking very much like those dolls that cry out 'Mama' when you squish them.

Boy toy

3) Dilshan continues to remain the lone Lankan assassin, with a little help from Angelo Mathews this time. However, the most interesting fact is that the Indian spinners picked up most of the wickets...on an Indian pitch. Surely, ICC will come knocking on BCCI's door soon?

I am bracing myself for some much needed drama. Forget about AB's diary entries and Clarke's relationship problems. The always giving ICC and BCCI will embark on their soap opera soon. Keep your remotes handy children.

Adjectives

Disgusting: Dale Steyn losing his ability to pick up wickets so early in his career.

Shameful: Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL (seriously reconsidering the adoption now) bowling worse than part-time spinner JP.

Fucktard: Whoever sent Albie ahead of Bouch, when they were five down in the 33rd over. When has Albie EVER played the role of an innings consolidator?

Illegal: Hash getting to a half century and then getting out to a Ashraful-like shot.

Impressive: Ryan McLaren at least trying to mess with the batsmen (not really but I'm drowning in a sea of negativity here!)

Moronic: Biff and his sideburns.

Useless: AB de Villiers, who can't fucking get a decent score when it matters i.e. should NOT be batting 2 down.

Head-to-head

At long last the England tour of SA has started. The T20 games were just a tease. THIS is the real deal. The reason I won't feel bad for not studying for exams and then tearing my hair out. It's all worth it. Especially if the Saffas win.

I don't make predictions when it comes to my own team...because they usually go badly (remember the Champions Trophy/Champions League? sigh!). But I will tell you who I am looking forward to watching in the upcoming series.

1) Jimmy vs Dale: One has a kid, one has imaginary grand kids. Both can swing the ball but both have been erratic as of late. Jimmy a little less than Dale, but he has the knee to blame...and tiring wars with Swann on twitter. I am going to say something traitorous right now that you all will read and promptly forget: I like Jimmy as a bowler. He is the only Pom that I can tolerate. Shocked, dazed, forgotten? Good. Moving on...

2) Strauss vs Buffalo: As much as Graeme looks like a buffalo, Strauss is the one with cow brains. And I reject the hypothesis that cows are intelligent animals. They are inferior to buffaloes anyway. Strauss is one of those players I dislike, despite knowing that he is a good cricketer. His captaincy, I feel, is yet to be proven. He didn't do anything revolutionary in the Ashes. There was no need with the Aussies being determined to beat themselves. But he does seem to be able to bring out the best in his players unlike his deputy. Graeme's team is great to begin with, so he has very little to do with them being awesome. But he is contributing regularly as a batsman these days which helps. Plus, I am really hoping Strauss gets a cramp and Graeme decides to break ICC rules and give him a runner...on the condition that the runner is Owais Shah!

3) Swann vs ROFL: This is the only reason I want Swann to recover fast from his injury. Just to prove that ROFL is far more interesting than him and a better spinner. I get this feeling ROFL is the only individual that can convince Swann to give up twittering with his psycho-like expressions. If that doesn't work, we can always depend on the alien living inside ROFL to show Swann the finger and tell him that he sucks.

4) Albie vs Eoin: I also like Eoin Morgan, but only because of his background. I am incapable of hating on anybody with any relation to Ireland. It's Bono. He has clouded my judgement. All I want to see is who can hit the ball further. The one that hits a six all the way to Canada is going to have a glacier named after them. Albertus Glacier. Sounds like a nice peace offering from the Canadians to the Romans.

5) KP vs Trott: Who will make a better effort to secure a place in Vaughan's next book? Who will stand up to the booing crowds better? In fact, who still holds the interest of the Saffers enough to be made fun of, which Flower is sure they are waiting to do? Something tells me no one is winning this one.

Scandalous Part II

KP with Jonty

KP with ROFL

ROFL and Jonty

Now this is really getting out of hand.

Captain Mascaraman

Distressingly, I did not get to watch Mascaraman as captain while England was fielding and the highlights are not up yet. But I did get to watch the post-match presentation and he was too busy blushing, smiling and batting his eyelashes at Kass Naidoo to give a coherent answer. If you don't know what she looks like, click on that link. She's hot. Taken, but hot.

So Mascaraman as captain got properly fucked today. Loots Bosman and thankfully Graeme Smith (I say thankfully because he seems to be becoming consistent with the bat again..about time!) smashed the Poms till they begged for 'no more'. Adil Rashid and Kevin Pietersen, unable to let their Mascaraman go through this torture alone, volunteered to take a bit of the hammering.Even Joe Denly got to make his bowling debut. He broke the record tumbling partnership between Bosman and Smith but god damn, this is like the wicket-keeper giving his gloves to someone else to come bowl. Hmm, where have I seen that before?

England lied, they lied big time. Before today's match the headlines were all about how the Poms were going for their first trophy of the series. You are telling me they REALLY thought that the way to go about that was to make Mascaraman captain and send KP instead of Morgan when Cook fell and the run rate was like 15? Nope. They never wanted to win. They lied. What are they teaching their kids?

Speaking of Cook batting, is it just me or does he never look settled even after hitting a couple of boundaries? What a funny fucker! Kepler Wessels said it best. Mascaraman was on fire, hitting fours every delivery and Wessels goes like "He's not considered very good at the shorter form of the game, Alastair Cook". I know one person who clapped in glee at this comment-Jimmy Anderson, who was also trying to show his captaincy skills as per photographic evidence:

Mascaraman is a little bitch! I am the next captain of England!

I will introduce you to Kate Moss, don't listen to Jimmy

But I want to be captain too!

How wildly entertaining the Poms are. But KP and his switch hit was the funniest shit ever. KP jumping like some 1930's bad action hero and watching the ball hit the stumps. I couldn't find a picture of the exact moment, but this will do nicely.


In case you didn't know, his wicket was picked up by my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. I am still working on the adoption papers.

I love an English humiliation. Specially when the Saffa boys are all brilliant. I am so relieved that Dale and Albie (yes ALBIE!) picked up wickets. Although they continue to look disinterested in getting wickets during the middle overs. And I seem to have jinxed Duminy with my 'year of JP' talk. Feck!

Sweet-faced Assassins

I think I have finally found my entourage of secretly evil men to help me in my quest for world domination. You can call them SA or SFA. Either way, they sound like a Saffa group which reflects my undying love for the Proteas. The name also sneakily serves the purpose of throwing off Interpol, Europol and any other pols that are going to come looking for us. They are going to scour the inches of Africa while I am happily hiding in some remote corner of Bangladesh with my harem of wicked men.

Introducing the first of many SFA men:

Name: Jean-Paul Duminy
Location: In BRC's nightmares
Code Name: Blankie
Sweet-face specialty: That nearly million dollar smile
Favourite Method of Assassination: Complete annihilation

Name: Kieron Pollard
Location: Moises' bowling nets
Code Name: The Real KP
Sweet-face specialty: Innocent looks that don't need to be hidden behind shades
Favourite Method of Assassination: Hitting little boys out of this world

Name: Roelof Van der Merwe
Location: Somewhere in the galaxy, far, far away
Code Name: ET
Sweet-face specialty: The alien living inside him
Favourite Method of Assassination: Anything that gives him the chance to raise his hands like a maniac and yell 'C'mon baby!'. This is followed by precisely two claps. He is very meticulous, our ROFL.

Name: Shakib-Al Hasan
Location: A secret garden where Modi can't find him
Code Name: Blackberry Storm
Sweet-face specialty: His broken English. If you read between the lines this is what is speeches really mean:
"Yes, we had good game today"
(I killed out there today and now I am going to kill you)
"Boys were very supportive"
(Boys are also going to kill you)
Favourite Method of Assassination: Plunging knives through them number ones to claim their spot.

We will move from country to country, getting rid of those that give cricket a bad name. We will not rest till the KPees, the Buffaloes, the Mingles, the Whayles, the Bhajjis and the genital warts carriers have been wiped off the face of the Earth. We will fight till cricket is on every person's lips, being repeated like a war-cry, till it's the only word to be heard from space.

"Cricket, cricket, cricket, cricket, cricket"

To hell with anyone who stands in our way.

AB-Paul reunited

I was doing some research on which spinner the Proteas should play against the Brits. Since ROFL's alien friends have yet to give him permission to play tests (in five days they could invade half a galaxy) and Johan Botha hasn't played in them since February 2008, the only other option was Paul Harris.

I wish it was Paul Adams but unfortunately he was the frog that became a prince when the Proteas kissed him into the team. And the prince sucked at bowling.

Annnyyywaaayy, once I had made peace with the new Paul, I merrily frolicked around the internet reading up on Harris and building his case. That's when I came across this.


Amy S. was famous for calling out on the secret relationship between Harris and AB. I always thought that it was one of Amy's ingenious skits. But this photo proves that she was right all along. I must say that the photographer managed to grab his camera at the right time to capture the intimacy of the moment. Not that the camera was the only thing that was grabbed to make the picture perfect.

I hope someone will kindly call Harris' wife and explain to her the virtues of sharing.

It doesn't get any better than this

Bangalore just lost to Victoria, the team that has Andrew McDonald. Andrew McDonald who is possibly the most mediocre Australian player to have ever lived. Worse, this Mickey D's poster boy was the STAR in the game.

I apologize if your last meal has already been purged out, but at this point in the post there must be an illustration to show why Bangalore should hang themselves in shame.

He is more than just a clown promoting obesity in children

You see it? He is an even more stupid version of Ronald McDonald and seeing as RM has a big red nose as well, that's really saying something. If you think I am judging his cricketing abilities based on his looks alone, I am. But his stats on Crapinfo backup my claims.

*Insert:smug smile*

Bangalore should just have forfeited the minute Jakes was declared unfit, to save themselves from this embarrassment. I mean, yeah they have three other Saffas in the side who should have bailed them out AGAIN but the thing is:
Dale still thinks this is a paid holiday
ROFL is upset because I have yet to file my adoption application
Bouch secretly plays for the Cobras

Anil Kumble should have talked to me before the game. When will they learn?

Anyway, apparently Bangalore has to win against Delhi to go through to the semis. Whatever.

Can the real cricket start now?