Strauss may quit captaincy

That's the kind of headline that makes me want to blog again.

Why wasn't it 'ECB likely to drop Strauss'? Guess Giles Clarke isn't done licking the Ashes off Strauss' ass yet.

But the truth is, here's an unfortunate natural, one way journey that Strauss, Ricky, Yunus Khan, Shakib and even Buffalo (for a long, long, long time) followed:

Good batsman---->Captain---->Shitty batsman

Those names are just a few off the top of my head. But once you become a shitty batsman only and ONLY your captaincy is keeping you in the team. Which poses the question, is it okay to sacrifice a batsman for a captain?

I'd say it depends on the batsman or the captain or even the team. In England's case it was the team. Strauss' replacement is Cook.

Now there's a headline that will make me blog again as well.

It's only day one

Tomorrow is a new day, except it's not because bloody Trott hasn't reached his 200 yet and will surely attempt to do so. I'm just hoping that bloody Trott has poor Kallis' bad luck and will fall a few runs short.

But bloody Morgan is also at 40 and will surely want his maiden 50 and then slaughter his way to his century on debut. Of course Bresnan and Prior will take this opportunity to make some more test runs. Prior needs it, his spot is on the line these days. Damn Strauss will probably make sure he gets this chance, since Kieswetter did just win the World Cup for Collingwood and Colly is after Strauss' job. He can't have that damn little spy in his team!

Our bloody bowlers will continue to give runs like Shahadat Hossain. Yes I know Shahadat has the third best bowling figures in the attack but I fucking can't believeit. That is just a measure of how shitty the rest were and nothing else. Believe me.

Bloody Shakib is still recovering from the bloody chicken pox and is probably fighting to stay awake on the field. I am going to find the person who gave Shakib chicken pox. Then I am going to give that person chicken pox again and tie them up and duct-tape their mouth, so they can't itch. I'll also leave a tape playing a scratching sound over and over again.

We might bat once Strauss gets bored with our bowlers (I suspect he won't easily because evidently, we cannot be taken lightly) and decides to man-handle our batsmen instead. I am just hoping for Tamim, Mahmudullah, Shakib and Mushfiq to show some guts. I am also hoping the bloody Poms realize that they need to give us something for getting Strauss, KP and Trott back to form. We are the most motivational team ever...for the opposition. There must be some sort of pay for this.

I have settled my fees on Lords. One Englishman by the name of Mark Chalcraft from Good Cricket Wicket is convinced we deserve it so we are almost there.

But for now, man up boys. There's still two more days of drubbing to go.

Ricky's prayer

Oh Tasmanian Devil,

Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.

Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!

Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.

Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.

Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.

Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.

Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.

Amen.

My Herschelle's Birthday

My Herschelle turned 36 today. Happy birthday baldy! I didn't bake a cake, because I don't know how to. But I am contemplating getting a caramel mousse to hurl at his detractors. Then wrap them up and ship them over to Gibbs.

Herschelle Gibbs has been very embarrassing as of late. I don't care. His ODI batting average has dropped to a miserable 36.30. He doesn't even play tests. I still don't care. Mostly because it's his birthday today but also because even with all the inconsistencies, controveries and stupidity, my Herschelle remains a threat on the field. Even he doesn't know which days he will burst open like soda can and dampen the opposition's mood with his prolific strokes, let alone the other team. It's just the way he is.

At 36, most have written him off about 243255 times. Many cricketers would also have contemplated retirement. But my Herschelle will continue, we will just have to modify the game for him a bit.

He will field in a wheel chair that will propel upwards/sideways on command so that he can still take his spectacular catches. As for run outs, we will just have to make the wheel chair change shapes so my Herschelle can dive on the ground.
He will bat while bent on his knees since he might get tired from standing. He can do it. His abs are hard core and of course, he will train his knees to dance like his feet.
He will run between the wickets using a walker. A wheel chair may ruin the pitch. We just have to make sure Andrew Strauss is not the opposition captain.

Of course he will continuously smack any retirement suggestions out of the ground, every time. Even at 75. Even at 175.

This is the future of cricket children. I am sure of it.

It has happened

Mascaraman is officially leading England against Bangladesh. If I was a kind person I would have said that ECB have finally shoved their heads up their asses. But I am not. So my opinion on this is that England tried to walk after shoving their heads up their asses. During the walk, they rolled down a hill, hit a car and permanently damaged their brains.

Then they decided Alastair Cook should be captain.

Oh I laughed so hard! Mascaraman can't even decide which shots to play to which ball but evidently he knows the game well enough to decide on field placings for five days.

Hello, England. He was captain in a four hours match remember? If I may be so bold to say so, it did not go very well. Or so we thought. You seem to have watched a different match.

Resting Strauss seems to give the impression that Bangladesh is not an important tour. I have written about it before and I was freaking angry...obviously. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagined that the ECB would actually fuck up as badly as making Mascaraman captain. Darlings, Shakib may be new, but he is far more intelligent than that Rimmel loving she-man. And we are not making Crashraful captain again. Because...umm..we have players with leadership qualities!

Whatever. They can use us as their lab if they want. We are not going to sit here and bring the house down with our words. England can send their F team for all we care. Just remember that we don't have pitches that will help Stuart Broad and our strength is our spinners.

Bangladesh may not win this, but if England think this is going to be easy, insects have been eating on their brain. The same insects then produced sticky webs to prevent the brain from functioning properly. And of course, their heads are still shoved up their backsides.

T4D1: Dale, have my babies

I had a dream before tuning into the game today. I dreamt that South Africa won the toss and the Biff-headed individual decided to bat first, leading to a massacre of Saffa batsmen and a flurry of wickets. Little did I know that my subconscious was already watching the game and feeding me all sorts of wrong information. I think my subconscious may be English...BLASMEPHY!

Anyway, so if you don't want to have Dale's babies after that performance, you are demented...or think Stuart Broad is a bowler. The wicket I enjoyed the most was that of Andrew fucking Strauss. I also briefly contemplated having Amla's children after that catch, but the guy is married. So I will let him be.

Heartbreaker Morne got three, two of which were leg-before. Although one of them was probably a no ball. Barbie was 'astonished' and I think KP called the umpire an asshole. Daryl Harper's family better start saying a prayer for him, he might not be returning home from this tour.

Ryan McLaren replaced Paul Harris. Not a bad idea, but can Ryan McLaren bat? 'Cause Harro can you know...in his own awkward, "I always have a strange smile on my face" way.

Wayne also made his debut and was crap. Had he and Ryan not bowled, the Poms would have been out much sooner. But I grudgingly forgive them because they are debutants after all. However, here is a little something for them to 'grow' in the second innings: "Stick to the basics fuckers, the rest will happen on its own. Have you not watched the Poms bat?"

Prior, KP and Barbie have inspired many shitty kids who now believe they can be selected for the national team despite batting like a bunch of Under12s. Wait, I'm missing one. Oh yes! Fighter Colly Buttniggle. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.

At this point, I must share with you a line I read somewhere (can't remember where) after the first test. "England only collapse once in every series. This was it and South Africa have failed to capitilize on it". So evidently, what we saw today and in the third test was not a collapse. It's just the English batsmen politely thanking the Saffers for their hospitability over the past few months. How very proper of them!

I am seriously happy with this day. No, the world is not ending. Dale Steyn on top form always gets that reaction from me. I want to share with you my happiness, hence this special picture:

His smile is as horrifying as my happy face...

Of course Ashy P and his high score of 15 are still at the crease and this is a bowling pitch. So tomorrow all this may change. Unless Pee on the Ashes survives Jimmy like he did today.

Andy is upset

Andrew Strauss is reportedly upset about South Africa going to the press with the ball tampering allegations, rather than filing an official complaint.

Broady and Jimmy are also upset and actually said that they were lazy, rather than being 'naughty'.

If they were oh so innocent, wouldn't they have just brushed it off? Why would they admit to being lazy on the day that nearly lost them the test? It was hot you say? So why not stop the ball with the side of his feet, rather than stepping on it?

Barbie honey, your boots have spikes. Do you understand what they do? Maybe if I demonstrate by wearing them and step on your balls, you will have some idea.

And Jimmy was just shining the ball. Lovely Jimmy likes his things neat and clean. And picking at something with your nails shines it brighter than the sun.

Of course I wouldn't have paid attention to any of these had Michael Vaughan not said anything. But he did and I never doubt Michael Vaughan. He speaks the ultimate truth. Like, totally.

Don't be sad Makhaya

Now that it has finally happened, thank fucking god, I can freely show Makhaya some love. No hard feelings Maky. But keeping you in the team after that performance would have been controversial causing you endless stress and pressure, which you wouldn't have to lived up to. That would have caused you even more misery. So this really is for the better. See, I am always thinking of you.

But fear not, I have found alternative ways for you to contribute to a Saffa win. Ready?

1) Give the Poms food poisoning

I believe that shit is raw and giving it to Strauss would result in lots of salmonella babies multiplying in his intestines. Won't that be something? Seeing as Strauss is desperate to overturn history, he can do it by being the world's largest in vivo bacteria breeding site.

2) Tell them they are going to Hogwarts

And present them all with eco-friendly brooms. Eleven Pommies trying to lift off the ground in robes and pointy hats on some green stick. That's a best seller right there. Of course to put it in the all time best list, Tim Bresnan has to be included. Halfway through the book, his stick will go on strike and demand that Bresnan lose weight. Stick, strike...geddit? I hope J.K. Rowling's reading this.

3) Stroke KP like a cat

Or hold him close to your bosom to convince him Saffers still love him.
"KP come back, we miss you. Jakes is fucking around."
Then when he comes back give him a wedgy, an atomic one.

See, you don't need to be on the field with a ball to help the Saffers. The opportunities are all around you my friend, you just have to grab it.

Ooh, the cricket is about to start.

T1D4: Hash is illegal

And I love it. More than that century, what struck me is that AB and Hash got the innings back on it's feet. Without Jakes, the calming effect. I must confess that the three wickets fell because of me. I stayed up to watch (I only caught the highlights for days 1-3) and it was horrible. When Jakes left, I promptly went to sleep and woke up to find Hash and AB had done brilliantly. So if you were hoping for another fine Jakes innings, I am sorry. I will NEVER watch another live SA game ever.

Now back to the legality of Hash. There is none. He is just full-throttle illegal in your face. He isn't exciting, he still has technical flaws, he isn't always in form but when he scores he is like the tiny fly that you didn't notice till he dropped in your food. By then he has just freakin' ruined everything. Specially when you are left divided between admiring his flawless hitting and taking a shot at him for getting out stupidly. Not to mention his non-fancy yet fully effective fielding. I am very much fond of Hash. He just needs to score runs more frequently. But that will come.

AB-single no more has finally put in a substantial performance. Time to make up for the mediocre fielding. Yes, it has been mediocre so far. Don't pretend it hasn't. On top of that, he is inspiring Ian Bell to take good catches. Cut down on the love spreading a bit AB. You need a mean bone. I should start a school of ultimate meanness. Turn into a raging asshole in 16 days. Think I will get any students?

Anyway, back to the cricket. Bouchie has won me over once again. He has successfully managed to bat in both the innings after so so soooo long, I had forgotten that he had more to him than amazing reflexes and hypnotic eyes. I am glad that he and his buddy Jakes has got the Saffers' back. Now if only they could get their other 'friend' Biff to the party...idiot.

Morne put Barbie in his proper place (which is a mini doll house made of fruity cakes). That awkward four that went high up, dropped in front of the fielder and crossed the boundary- that made my day. It was such a slap in the face! Not that Barbie felt it. He has botox to protect him.

And this has to be mentioned: 27-3-91-0-3.37. Guess whose figures those are? Please say it. SAY IT!

To add cherry on top of well...my LIFE, Straussy has decided to pull a Graeme Smith. And an Ashy P. And a Mascaraman. What a strange tradition upheld by an even stranger compilation of batsmen.I loves it. Sometimes.

As usual I leave you with a final thought: how many fours did the Saffers have to score through the offside region before it occured to Strauss to put protection there? The answer is simply MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I was just looking for a place to put that in.

Mascaraman is back

In their warm-up match against Saf XI, Mascaraman is currently 66 not out. He scored 34 and 22 in the other warm-up matches and 11 and 26 in the real matches. So don't fret. It doesn't mean anything. Mascaraman's forte is warm-up games. He doesn't like his batting to be burning hot. It makes his mascara run.

In the same match the Saffa bloods fell for 1 (Strauss), 11 (Trott) and 27 (KP). We are waiting for Michael Vaughan's statement. Unfortunately, he is not Pakistani. Otherwise all match fixing allegations would have taken priority over hair commitments. Yes, he looks like a creep there.

Speaking of Vaughan, he has told the press that the Saffa bowling attack has only Dale Steyn really so the Poms can just practice against machines and they'll be ready for the tests. Luke Wright has promptly gone into hiding, Morne Morkel just absorbed his words (that's all I am going to tell you for now) and Mickey Aurthur is on a ledge somewhere screaming "More Michael, more!". Of course he could also be talking about the hair.

Another interesting piece of article on Crapinfo is about how Andy F. and Andy S. are worried that they won't be able to balance a test side without a proper all-rounder. The picture used was that of Luke Wright's. Golden boy Barbie got this mention however:

Broad at No. 7 would be the most attacking, almost gung-ho, route England could take -"Let's hit South Africa with all we've got." For better or worse, it would make for entertaining cricket.

Just entertaining, nothing else. Last seen, Barbie is wearing her prom dress and remembering her prom queen days to make herself feel better about the fact that she is STILL not considered an all-rounder. Even after the Ashes.

Life is so unfair at times.

KP Claus

Dear Santa,

Since I am home for Christmas this year, I would like to give special gifts to those who have adopted me into their hearts. I would like them to know that even though I am loving every bit of my home-coming, I am always 100% English. So please make sure you give these to them from me.

For Barbie: A very pissed off Yuvraj Singh. Trotty told me that's how Broady likes him, not sure why.

For Straussy: The handbook I wrote when I was captain of England. I really feel he could learn from me.

For Swanny: A new chin. He is rather envious of my looks (Between you and me, he really wishes he looked South African)

For Bresy: A book of Afrikaans slang so the ECB can't chastise him anymore. He really needs it, that dom fokker.

For Ravi: The Ashes Dvd. Oh wait, is he even in it? Can you photo shop him in please?

For Cooky: A video of his last few innings so he can learn from his mistakes. What's that? He has it already? Oh...let's get him a brain then.

For Colly: Also a handbook I wrote on captaincy. But this is when I was captain of BRC.

That will be all this Christmas. I do have to spend the rest of my money on my lovely wife and Anil might not let me play next season. Which reminds me, please send Anil my love. I better start sucking up to him from now.

What to blame it on

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”

Andrew Strauss got too excited and broke out in sweat at the sight of Biff adjusting his pants. Not wishing to get distracted, he channelled all his excitement in the field which radiated and infected the rest of his team. Particularly Colly. Moral of the story is, blame Biff for everything.



AB is not blond anymore. I had once wondered whether the dye was going to drip into his brain and fuck up his batting. It seems to have done just that. Interestingly, it also seems to have changed AB's eye colour and affected his vision.

L'Oreal, it's not worth it.

Head-to-head

At long last the England tour of SA has started. The T20 games were just a tease. THIS is the real deal. The reason I won't feel bad for not studying for exams and then tearing my hair out. It's all worth it. Especially if the Saffas win.

I don't make predictions when it comes to my own team...because they usually go badly (remember the Champions Trophy/Champions League? sigh!). But I will tell you who I am looking forward to watching in the upcoming series.

1) Jimmy vs Dale: One has a kid, one has imaginary grand kids. Both can swing the ball but both have been erratic as of late. Jimmy a little less than Dale, but he has the knee to blame...and tiring wars with Swann on twitter. I am going to say something traitorous right now that you all will read and promptly forget: I like Jimmy as a bowler. He is the only Pom that I can tolerate. Shocked, dazed, forgotten? Good. Moving on...

2) Strauss vs Buffalo: As much as Graeme looks like a buffalo, Strauss is the one with cow brains. And I reject the hypothesis that cows are intelligent animals. They are inferior to buffaloes anyway. Strauss is one of those players I dislike, despite knowing that he is a good cricketer. His captaincy, I feel, is yet to be proven. He didn't do anything revolutionary in the Ashes. There was no need with the Aussies being determined to beat themselves. But he does seem to be able to bring out the best in his players unlike his deputy. Graeme's team is great to begin with, so he has very little to do with them being awesome. But he is contributing regularly as a batsman these days which helps. Plus, I am really hoping Strauss gets a cramp and Graeme decides to break ICC rules and give him a runner...on the condition that the runner is Owais Shah!

3) Swann vs ROFL: This is the only reason I want Swann to recover fast from his injury. Just to prove that ROFL is far more interesting than him and a better spinner. I get this feeling ROFL is the only individual that can convince Swann to give up twittering with his psycho-like expressions. If that doesn't work, we can always depend on the alien living inside ROFL to show Swann the finger and tell him that he sucks.

4) Albie vs Eoin: I also like Eoin Morgan, but only because of his background. I am incapable of hating on anybody with any relation to Ireland. It's Bono. He has clouded my judgement. All I want to see is who can hit the ball further. The one that hits a six all the way to Canada is going to have a glacier named after them. Albertus Glacier. Sounds like a nice peace offering from the Canadians to the Romans.

5) KP vs Trott: Who will make a better effort to secure a place in Vaughan's next book? Who will stand up to the booing crowds better? In fact, who still holds the interest of the Saffers enough to be made fun of, which Flower is sure they are waiting to do? Something tells me no one is winning this one.

History loves Shakib

Another day, another piece of history created by Shakib. He became the first Bangladeshi player to be signed by an English county side, Worcestershire. I am hopelessly ignorant about county cricket, so I have no clue how they are as a team. But who cares? County, good exposure, upcoming series in England. You see where I am going with this.

Sometimes I wonder which Bangladesh loving cricket god made Shakib. And why he has stopped making more. What will it take to produce more Shakibs in Bangladesh? Strauss deciding to come to Bangladesh after all? Richie Benaud advocating another petition to retract BD's test status? Prodigal child Cricket Minded's return to Bangladesh?

Whatever it is, I am willing to make it happen. More Shakibs is directly proportional to more critics being silenced. Bangladesh still have many detractors, but a good number have stapled their mouth shut just in case the ICC does decide to listen to them. That means they will not get to ogle at Shakib anymore. And that's what they really want to do. Perv on the little beast while shit-talking his team.

My real concern at the moment however, is if Worcestershire have moats and dragons to protect my beloved assassin from his Modiness. Does Worcestershire have the balls to say, "Fuck off Modi! This Deshi is ours"?

No? No problem. The BCB's got him tied up with international commitments for the first half of IPL 3. I'll take care of the rest.

I'm concerned

I see all these pictures of the Brits jumping inside tires and covering themselves in dirt. While these are all clever ways to hide from the Proteas, they also have the added advantage of helping them with their training. So naturally, I went hunting for latest pictures of the Saffa boys expecting to find them overcoming obstacle courses in water or something. Instead, I found the following pictures, which I can only put down as the Saffers trying something unconventional for a change. What with all the accusations of them being a robotic, one dimensional team and all.

Behold, South Africa's new training tactics:

1. The art of sledging



Pumped by the whiny English, the Saffers are putting special efforts into sledging this series. The thing that they are applying on their lips will keep them extra moist throughout the day and seep into their brains to inspire them. They might come up with some gems, but I think pointing at every English players' butts and laughing at them will be sufficient.

2. Turning them on



Apparently, sex is not for the Poms, as revealed by Strauss' reaction to Kirsten's dossier. But Graeme Swann's constant pant wetting says otherwise. It could be that they are in denial of the dossier because they are simply not getting any. So the Saffers are going to have a woman rub them in odd places to rile the Poms up. What brilliance!

3. Punishing Biff


Since nothing else has worked so far and the Buffalo's unimaginative captaincy has been one of South Africa's weaknesses as of late, CSA has resorted to publicly humiliating Biff by putting makeup on him. Every time he refuses to use his brain this picture will flash on the screen. If this doesn't work, maybe Botha can finally be captain.

Okay, I can't be in denial anymore. What the fuck is going on? I only see some stories on Dale, Hashim and Biff playing for their club sides. They are doing awesome but that's not the point. According to Biff's twitter page the team only met yesterday to practice together. And Jakes, JP and Parnie are all injured. WHAT! The first game is six days away. SIX DAYS! Who injured them? I am going to smash their heads in and then put them in the room where Swann keeps his wet pants.

I am having a heart attack.

Boo the Poms

For whining. They are going on and on about how the Saffa crowd is going to stick it to KP and Trott. Flower Power Andy and dipshit Andy fears Trott will get the same treatment that KP got five years ago.

For fuck's sakes! KP is a reject who pretended he was too good for SA and kissed every god damn English behind to prove his Britishness. That is just asking to be made fun of. Trott never denied his Saffer roots, not that I know of. It doesn't mean people won't jeer at him, they will, because it's called SUPPORTING YOUR TEAM. And it's part of cricket. Happens at every fucking game. Most cricketers just man up and take it. But the Pommies are a big bunch of whiny morons who need their mommies to protect them from the big bad Saffa world. They are making such a fuss about it that AB de Villiers had to say something on behalf of his people:

"Like any other touring side they'll obviously get some boos and the normal kind of stuff, but I don't think they'll get a bad reception. Obviously because they're South Africans who went over there and did pretty well, the guys will react a little bit more towards KP and Jonathan Trott, but I don't think in a bad way. The crowd obviously want us to win, but I don't think it will be too bad."

If you thought there's an overuse of the word 'obviously' in this answer, he uses it six times in the whole interview. Which is totally random and has nothing to do with booing the Poms but I thought I'd just point out that AB has flaws, so you can like him again!

Methinks the English are making such a big deal about it even before it has happened so CSA is forced to do something in case it gets out of hand. Fuckers are determined to ruin the fun for all spectators. As if their mediocre batting, bowling and horrendous fielding wasn't bad enough.

Okay fine, they won't boo you. They will shower you with praises and kisses. They will even use special lip gloss so that the kisses have a pleasant smell and make Wayne Parnell the brand ambassador of this gesture.


Happy? Now shut the fuck up and play some cricket. Or whatever you think cricket is.

Strauss doesn’t want to come to Bangladesh

Oh, here we go again. Going to Bangladesh is a big waste of time for ECB’s beloved Andrew half-brain Strauss. So what do they do? Pull out the rotational policy! Poor England has such a hectic schedule coming up and poor Strauss has to work so hard for his jokers to receive any amount of respect, that he needs a break from this tour. Because you know, after the Bangladesh tour ends in MARCH, England next plays in the World T20 Cup in MAY. How hectic! I am dying of fatigue just thinking about it.

But listen to this. Strauss KNOWS that it’s important to get used to the wicket in Bangladesh for WC11 but he says that it’s also important to keep the players fresh for their busy summer of cricket…when Bangladesh come to England to play those god damn day-night test matches. I doubt Strauss is going to pull out of that one because, well what flimsy excuse is he going to use then? Plus, if their Ashes hero doesn’t play, who the fuck is going to come watch the games in ‘cricket-loving’ England?

All of Brick Lane that’s who

So we are supposed to accept jeers like ‘’you won against second-stringers’’ because the opposition’s cricket boards cannot be fucked to pull their shit together or send their ‘big names’. Just in case we win, the whole world can say ‘‘Obviously! You had the home advantage and they didn’t have their star players.” Then fucking send them and see how we do assholes! THEN you can make such statements. It’s like everybody is bent on attributing all our wins to anything else other than the fact that we are a good side. Yes, we have brain explosions and it’s high time we learn how to be consistent but so does Pakistan, Sri Lanka and New Zealand. Before all of you start throwing world cup winners and consistent semi-finalist comments at me I’m not comparing them. I’m only saying that these teams have played longer than us and at times they STILL play like somebody just informed them that it’s more than an insect.

You know what Andrew, don’t come. Make Cook the captain instead, or better yet, Ian Bell. Works better for us because we can finally give Talha Jubair a try again, so he can bounce your fuckers out and seal a place in the side. And as for WC11, you are going to be so fucking sorry when you find that the ball has turned like a bitch and bitten you in your uptight behinds! All because you thought you were too fucking good to fly to Bangladesh.

I’m guessing you will blame it on the butt niggle epidemic then, eh?

Resurrection

I did die. Then I thought, if I died who would stand by South Africa? So I came back. Yes, I still stand by them. What did you think? Just because I left NZ and SL when they started losing I'd do the same to my Saffa boys? I've been standing by them for 16 years now....such scenarios are nothing new to Saffa fans. They lose, we cuss, we move on. Another tournament comes by and we get behind them again. Even if I am 100 by the time SA actually win an ICC trophy, I'll fucking blog to rub it all over your faces. Proteas fans have grit and nothing you come up with will faze us.

They lost because the bowling was even more horrendous than any nation's fourth stringers. Dale needs to be boxed till he is black and blue. One good season, one trophy and the fucker forgets how to bowl. Allan Donald is ashamed of you Dale. He told me so.

Let's not even mention Albertus. He should just run straight towards the boundary with the ball in his hands from now on. That's where it's going to end up anyway. I wasn't impressed with his batting either because once again, the ass got run out at a crucial moment. Although, in retrospect it did look like he was trying to get Smith off the strike because he was cramping and couldn't run. CRAMPING AND COULDN'T RUN, STRAUSS. He is the biggest motherfucker on Earth. He knew if Smith had a runner SA would have at least edged SL out of the tournament. He is such a coward that he even blamed the Umps for it. I saw the incident live. The umpires asked him several times and Strauss nodded his head 'no' every time. You don't even have the guts to admit it was you, you wanker. But I don't wish him ill. I don't wish him ill at all. I'll just wait for karma to hit. Then I'll kick him.

Cricinfo: Graeme Smith asked for a runner and Strauss didn't allow him one

The batting was equally miserable, other than Smith. Don't be shocked. I have nothing against Smith the batsman. We always knew he was brilliant and we expect nothing less than what he displayed at the game. Smith the captain is another story. The story being defensive field settings in the middle overs when the bowlers are already bowling atrociously, allowing the opponents to pile on runs.

My Herschelle failed.
My Kallis failed.
My Boucher failed.
Even my ROFL failed.

I don't understand how the burdens of past failures don't motivate Gibbs, Kallis and Bouch to fight like hell in ICC tournaments. And what the fuck happened to Jakes? He had bowling figures of 3-0-14-1. Then he decided he couldn't bowl anymore. Gibbs and Bouch looked like they weren't even trying. I'm reaching SA tomorrow to give Gibbs a hair transplant, fill the gap in Kallis' front teeth and tell Boucher his website sucks. Maybe that will hurt them enough to fucking react!

I am incapable of hating on ROFL as I am hoping to be his adoptive mother. But I'll tell you about that another day.

That Morgan guy can bat. It physically hurts me to say anything good about England. But I still made an effort. And that is all you are going to get from me.

Which captain has the best smile?

By best I mean who is bearing all their teeth now because they know that once the tournament starts they won't get an opportunity to do so.

That's a smile...his wife told me so

Live Games

Meanwhile, the 40 year old Jayasuriya is beating the crap out of the 21 year old Inshant. Sanath should run a school for fitness in cricket. Wato and Freddie are to be his star students. Kallis is to teach 'Dramatic weightloss' and Warne to teach 'Ten ways you never lose fat'.

And Sanga goes...to Harbajan. Yes Sanga, you should be mad at yourself. Whoever gives their wicket to Harbajan when they are not playing in India should be forced to shoot a commercial with Dhoni. The commercial will be about shoe laces. Dhoni will make a cricket ball out of shoe laces only and bowl to Sanga. Sanga will hit it for a six. This commercial will soon become a movie.

Dharmasena, a former Sri Lankan cricketer and now umpire gave Sanath a wrong LBW decision. If SL lose this, Sanath can go loco on his former team-mate. The public can burn effigies and throw cow dung at Dharma's house.

Sorry...when Bhajji got that wicket, I thought we had moved to India.

True story!

Over at the other game, once again the South African born Strauss is the only English batsman capable of making runs. Yes, it is important that he was born in South Africa. Don't try to tell yourself otherwise.

The wonderful Canadian cricket channel that I have is not even showing that game. So I have nothing to say about it till I see the highlights...or the rerun. Yes, cricket is so scarce here that we actually have a slot for reruns..ball by ball.