And now Anil Kumble

Twitter: the final frontier. Well for a lot of cricket folks anyway. Certainly for Lalit Modi, and for Anil Kumble too. For Anil it's also similar to visiting his shrink. After a hard day on the field Anil goes on twitter to vent, because twitter is a private place where no can see what he writes. Maybe twitter is his brain and the tweets are his thoughts! That's how it works right?

Wrong. Tweeting is akin to speaking in a press conference, unless you have your tweets protected. But evidently, nobody told him that:

  The loss to DC was a huge setback for us and it was very disappointing after Steyn had set it up nicely for us with a torrid opening spell.

 Unfortunately Steyn's good work was largely undone by his fellow south african Kallis who seems to have his own agenda in this IPL

Kallis seems more interested in his fight with Sachin for the orange cap rather than in trying to secure a semi final berth for his team. 

Let me remind Kallis that cricket is a team game, his orange cap is totally worthless and useless to us if we cannot make it to the semis.

Okay, so Kallis has fucked up here and there for the RCB. As a captain, he has every right to criticize him. But questioning his commitment to the game is pretty uncalled for. He speaks like a bloody gossip magazine rather than a captain, but why am I surprised? Anil Kumble was never captain material. Just for the record, I am not lashing out on him because he said something about Kallis, although I am a Kallis lover. If you visit his page you will see him saying unsavoury things about the others too. People who are already out of form, being judged by their 'captain' on twitter. Nice eh? 

Then he justifies his outburst with this:

Sorry for my outburst about Kallis, it is a do or die game today, pressure to win is too much, team bosses say even my job is on the line.

Kallis is my dear friend, I can understand his liking for all things orange including caps, after all we were playing in the 'orange' city. 

His job is on the line, so he takes it out on others. Way to handle the pressure old man! Hey Anil, if you can't deal with the captaincy, don't take it. This: the tweeting, the public speaking, keeping it together when your job is on the line...all of this shit is part of being a captain.  

And let ME remind YOU that it is because of Kallis' indomitable form in the beginning that RCB is in the running for the semis. But maybe you want him to do all the work like South Africa. What the fuck would South Africa do without Jacques Kallis? Well that's a question I don't even want to think about.

I know what you are going to say here: Kallis has a big fat ego. Well my answer to that is, some people are justified in having an ego. Jacques Kallis is one of them.

It's all relative

One day as Mascaraman stood in front of the mirror applying makeup to his eyeballs to make it as pretty as his lashes, he had heard voices. A distant whisper, in a Goochie-like voice...

"Alastair...you can bowl".

So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.

Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.

So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.

Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.

Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.

Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.

In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?

Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.

A Canadian in the IPL

Sadly, it's not me.

Evidently, a man from my country of residence has made it to the short list of IPL3. As I am shamelessly oblivious to Canadian Cricket, I had no idea of his existence. But he is a big hitter and holds a record for hitting ten sixes in a T20 tournament. In short, IPL lovers will adore him.

What you guys don't know is that Lalit Modi has drafted him to show the ICC that the IPL can do more for non-test playing nations than regular cricket. It is his continued quest to get T20 to take over the cricket world. Right now, everyone is too overwhelmed by tests and loving every second of it. Lalit can't handle it, it's too much for the ATM machine he calls his heart. So he brings in fresh blood, even if it is frozen.

That Lalit is one clever bastard. And the bastard has also got his hands around Shakib. FUCKING HELL! I have failed to keep my Shakib protected. My only consolation now, will be if he is bought by the Deccan Chargers so my Hersch can keep him safe.

But, even after all this, I am happy for Cheema because he is a Torontonian. I hope he sets Lalit's money-making ass on fire with his big-hitting. With the Toronto Raptors, Toronto Maple Leafs and Toronto Blue Jays around, god knows we need someone to be doing well in sports.

For your information those are our Basketball, Hockey and Baseball teams and they all suck. Big time.

Ten things-next year

Ten things I would like to see happen next year:

1. South Africa clobbering England in the remaining two tests.
2. Bangladesh winning their first tri-nation series.
3. Biff befriending KP (no, really).
4. Ricky Ponting misbehaving.
5. Finding an individual on Earth who genuinely likes Lalit Modi.
6. My Herschelle cementing his butt to the starting XI.
7. Graeme Swann banished into oblivion.
8. Stuart Broad's transformation into a man.
9. Shoaib Akhtar acquiring more VDs.
10. Some new commercials from M.S. Dhoni.

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!

Declare

Dravid got his century and Tendulkar is out. They have 464 runs on the board.

Now can India declare? Or are they waiting for Modi's orders?

In comes VVS Laxman.

*switches t.v. off*

Some time later...

527/4.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Wake up! Dan has started batting again!

*dances around in joy*

Umar Gul better sleep with one eye open tonight...NZ is but a mere 18 hours away...

History loves Shakib

Another day, another piece of history created by Shakib. He became the first Bangladeshi player to be signed by an English county side, Worcestershire. I am hopelessly ignorant about county cricket, so I have no clue how they are as a team. But who cares? County, good exposure, upcoming series in England. You see where I am going with this.

Sometimes I wonder which Bangladesh loving cricket god made Shakib. And why he has stopped making more. What will it take to produce more Shakibs in Bangladesh? Strauss deciding to come to Bangladesh after all? Richie Benaud advocating another petition to retract BD's test status? Prodigal child Cricket Minded's return to Bangladesh?

Whatever it is, I am willing to make it happen. More Shakibs is directly proportional to more critics being silenced. Bangladesh still have many detractors, but a good number have stapled their mouth shut just in case the ICC does decide to listen to them. That means they will not get to ogle at Shakib anymore. And that's what they really want to do. Perv on the little beast while shit-talking his team.

My real concern at the moment however, is if Worcestershire have moats and dragons to protect my beloved assassin from his Modiness. Does Worcestershire have the balls to say, "Fuck off Modi! This Deshi is ours"?

No? No problem. The BCB's got him tied up with international commitments for the first half of IPL 3. I'll take care of the rest.

Mrs. Shakibs everywhere

Shakib-Al-Hasan is Bangladesh's most eligible bachelor. Since his discovery and his fantastic rise to fame, girls have been pleading and begging their parents to get them married to the boy.

"There are a good number of marriage offers. I've lost count of the number", Shakib told Crapinfo.

The guy is just 22, and if he had not been a cricketer he would probably have been spending his day checking out girls, writing love letters and possibly stalking them (it happens!). Now that he is famous, females all over the country are vying to be Mrs. Shakib-Al-Hasan.

And he hasn't even received an IPL contract yet. How many offers do you think will come when Modi the pimp prostitutes Shakib to one of the corporate whores? Probably over a million. And considering our population is 160 million and 50% of it should be female, that number has some suspect characters in it. Characters that I'm sure don't interest the eligible Shakib.

I wonder if I can lure him with my Canadian passport...

Brett Lee-the new Shane Watson

I was wondering why no one had commented on Shane Watson still being fit. Then I realized that it's because Brett Lee has been fulfilling Watto's quota by picking up an injury every few months. So it's not really Watto's injuries that we find funny, any blond crooner with a guitar will do.

On a more serious note, which face did Ricky make when he learned about Brett's injury during a crucial series...yet again! (I stole this idea from Sidthegnomenator as is customary in this blog. I don't even wait for inspiration, just some good old fashioned 'plagiarism'.)

There is Ricky's ''pretend you are thinking while cussing Lee and his ancestors out" face. This comes up every time Lee is hit for a six. Or maybe he is actually humming a song by Six and Out.


Then there is Ricky's "Binga, you are too old for this shit" face. Presumably used every time Lee pretties up his hair.


We also have Ricky's "I don't care because I have Witchy Mitchy" face. After some deliberation I have come to the conclusion it's because Binga flies on his own, while Mitchy flies with Ricky.

R Kelly would be proud

But Ricky still loves Mitch more

Finally, we have Ricky's "whatev" face. He has been hearing this story with Brett since last summer. He has to have perfected a check on his emotions by now!


Okay maybe not.

On the real serious note, is this really the cricket that's causing all these injuries? Lee has been playing/training non-stop since the beginning of the year. Every team is complaining about too much cricket. Then again, AB picked up an injury in the Champions Trophy and he hasn't played since April. Also, Ricky is just fine. And dare I say it...footballers play throughout the year without any significant breaks. They don't pick up injuries left and right!

I don't know what's going on. But just for personal satisfaction, I am going to blame it all on Lalit Modi. There, mystery solved.

My Favourite Moment

An Indian 12th man and a rejected Pom once met on a cricket pitch. It went like this:

Indian Man (IM): You can do this Dinesh. It's as simple as carrying drinks. Just pretend you need to serve drinks to the wicket-keeper and the umpire alternatively. It's simple.

Pom (P): I haven't had my tea yet. I can't afford tea anymore because I was dropped from the squad, despite scoring brilliantly. I am a brilliant batsman and I get sidelined for a Hobbit and a Mascara boy.

IM: Wicket-keeper looks thirsty. I need to give him some water. I am the Chosen one, the official drinks carrier. I cannot let him die on my watch. If he doesn't get water now he will collapse. I must save him. Owhy just hit the ball, wait..is he coming this way? But my drinks tray is not ready yet! No you shit Pom, stay there!

P: See, I hit balls then I run. I am very good at running. I can run all day. Mascara boy can't even see because of all the makeup in his eyes. Must recommend Revlon to him. Wait, why isn't that bastard running? Did he somehow here my thoughts on Revlon?

Captain Cobra scoops up the ball and throws it to the wicket-keeper. Wicket-keeper takes the longest time to catch it, looks at the batsmen and then removes the bails.

IM: Good, I needed to go back to the pavilion to refill my bottles anyway. Tata darlings!

P: He did hear my thoughts! Now he is going to tell the ECB, who are never going to take me in the team again because everybody knows that they prefer Rimmel. Must kill drinks carrier. What is this? Is this game not over yet? But I haven't had my tea!

Unfortunately for Owhy, Modi is too busy canoodling his groupies to declare the end of the game. It is indeed a sad, sad day when three blonds and one brunette come in the way of one man's tea sipping.

Epic failure!

I wasn't able to cut my umbilical cord. The more I tried to stay away, the more cricket called me. But don't worry darlings, the bitches have been owned...partially, which is why I decided to come back. Actually, I came back because I've been secretly typing up posts for the past few days and not writing has forced my brain into thinking more and more about this blog. The tortures of reverse psychology!

But that is not what the subject is about. I am talking about the epic failure of IPL teams. Now, you are going to say, but two out of the three teams went through. Yes they did. But courtesy of who?

That's right. The INDIAN PREMIERE LEAGUE has done zilch for Indian players. It took one Dutchman, one Australian and one Saffa to get these teams into the second round. How I laughed! Especially, when I read all those articles about HOW his Modiness will get the crowd to come watch the games if the IPL teams are eliminated. Modi my love, it's quite simple really. Get the Indian cricketers to buy tickets for their whole family so that they can come and learn how cricket is really played. Judging from the million cricketers that will NEVER get a chance to play for India (*cough*Chawla*cough*), you will make profit AND teach them a few things. Brilliant?

This is where Lalit Modi bows down to me for stopping that trillionth zero in his bank balance from disappearing. Also, now he can finally buy an Iphone (The guy is this rich and owns only a Blackberry? Shame!).

He should also bow down to Trinidad & Tobago for making this tournament exciting. Seriously, who would have thought a team from the West Indies would beat the crap out of the Deccan Chargers? They are by far the most interesting team of this tournament and such a huge plus for their country! It makes me very happy to see the Gangas, the Bravos, the Simmons and the Mohammeds kicking major international ass! Screw you WICB for keeping them hidden and dragging West Indies down to such a sorry state!

Okay, I have calmed down. It doesn't matter what the WICB did to them before. They will now hunt in packs till a certain Whayle disappears off the face of the Earth. They will then take over and save cricket in West Indies. Just don't forget Kemar Roach. He is magnificent.

Of course, even after all the drama, the Cape Cobras will win.

Aah, it's good to be back!

Champions League: To watch or not to watch?

It's T20. Basically, dessert after the real scrumptious meal or the opening act of a concert before the band people paid to watch get on. Whichever way you look at it, it's T20. It doesn't satisfy any cricket lover's needs.

What is worse with this particular T20 tournament is the fact that his Modiness is back to make tons and tons of money which he will spend on building Modiland. Modiland will grow in size with every IPL and Champions League, till it becomes a full-out country with Modi as their king, ordering the Roys and the Freddies to kidnap little children so he can eat them. Those who survive will become DLF maxmimum hitting, Bollywood queen choosing, retired cricketers bashing sportsmen.
Eventually Modiland will take over the world.

Do I really want that? Just because I live in a country that shows horrifyingly old black and white flicks in the same channel that's supposed to be exclusively covering cricket? The country where angry, violent hooligans with sticks beat tea-sipping, guard wearing men...leaving me cricket starved?

Or do I want to risk the rise of ModiEarth because for once, T20 league teams in other countries will be getting the same amount of exposure as the IPL teams. It will be a lot of fun to see whether the teams in the IPL are REALLY as exciting and entertaining as they seem to be. The winning and losing parts are not particularly of any interest to people. They just want the fireworks.

Finally, do I want to allow the Modi galaxy takeover because school is getting crazy busy and I need a valid excuse to procrastinate now, panic later? Eventually ensuring a happy ending for myself of course.

Hmm, maybe I do. Maybe, just maybe, this Champions League will be worth putting all these ideas in Modi's big, fat head. Don't worry. None of this is to come true as long as I am here. His devilish plans all have to be approved by a higher evil power. That power goes by the name of Cricket Minded.

Cricket Hell

I mentioned it in my last post and it got me thinking. What would a cricket hell be like? I came up with a few things.

Location:
Has to be a sound proof, armour door room in Lalit Modi's home. It can only be accessed through a secret passageway through his bedroom. The password for the passage is 'shake your money maker'.

Attractions (Note: The following is for commercial purposes only. There are no guarantees in real life)
-Brett Lee's band Six and Out. They will wake you up every morning with their hit single 'can't catch and can't bowl'. After which you are free to hit Brett Lee for ever picking up a guitar.

-Live commercials by Dhoni. He will appear three times a day to sell Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. If you were a fat cricketer then he will sell Tea as well.

-Comedy performances by KP, Andrew McDonald and Ashish Nehra. KP will praise the Queen in his South African accent and Nehra will lose in a catching competition with a 2 year old. McDonald will just show his face.

-Free health checkups by Shoaib Akhtar. No, this is not optional.

-Workouts with Jesse Ryder. WARNING: May involve a Royal Rumble with Rikishi.

-Dating tips from Shane Warne. Demonstrated by AB and Morne for continuing to remain single despite having hoards of girls after them. Very suspicious behaviour.

You have to come. It will be much better than the snake biting, fire burning cave ruled by the Red dude.

The Modi Cometh

The super-star in the making mentioned in my first post is none other than the prolific Shakib-Al Hasan. When Shakib took over the captaincy from the injured Mortaza, lead Bangladesh to a series win in both Tests and ODI's against the West Indies AND clinched all the man-of-the series awards (at last count, the dude has four Blackberry Storms), the first question that came to everyone's mind was how the soul-sucking, money-grabbing Lalit Modi could have overlooked this gem.

The thought of Shakib in the evil Modi's clutches scares the daylights out of me. If Shakib is available for IPL 3, rest assured Modi will do at least one of the following to our wonder boy, if not all:

1) Monopolize his bidding so he becomes the first player in the IPL to be bought for 100,000 thereby prostituting his talents (Sorry JP)

2) Make him appear in ridiculous IPL ads where he will run faster than a Royal Bengal Tiger, leap up in the air to smash bouncers over the rope and produce a stunning delivery that will knock all three wickets out...individually!

3) Promise the next Ms. Bollywood that Shakib will keep her entertained by singing and dancing on the movie sets till the cast and crew arrived.

4) Threaten to check out his ass in front of the cameras if he chose to play for Bangladesh during IPL season.

All this will lead to Shakib being too exhausted to perform for the REAL tournaments. And don't say it won't. The Indians said it happened to them, so it must be true. Ultimately, Shakib's international career will be shortened and Bangladesh will end up as the biggest losers, while Modi launches his new 10/10 version of the game where each team will have to have a minimum of 5 Bollywood stars in their starting line up.

The Modi is coming to get you Shakib, run for the hills!

Run Shakib run!