No, I will NOT!

The worst thing about getting lazy is right when you have compiled a thousand and one ways to make fun of the Aussies, the Saffers come up with a performance like the one we were subjected to yesterday.

And I was going to make so much fun of Pat Cummins being Barbie's pre-pubertal Ken with zits that are so terrorized by Saffa batsmen that they pop on their own.

I hadn't bargained for SA's wonderful middle order. Actually, was there even a middle order? I certainly didn't see them. Did you?

I didn't see the bowling either, so I can't really comment on how that went. But it seems like the pitch worked pretty well for Pat Cummins (who better fade away soon). So I don't know what my Dale and Morkel were doing.

Of course, the correct way of going about this is to blame the rain. South Africa loses 90% of the games that have been affected by rain. The rest 10% are washed out.

So no, I will not write a proper post on this because there are still two more games to go and Ricky Ponting will very soon revert back to his 'can't bat, can't captain' stance. I can feel it coming.

My only consolation from this game is that Witchy Mitchy is soon going to feel the pressure from Ken Cummins and give us the joy of pie chucking.

(In case you are wondering, I will also not mention Bangladesh's glorious revenge against the West Indies. I would have, had it been the second ODI of the three ODI's series but it wasn't. It was the last miserable game and the series had already been lost by then. So what is the point? Bangladesh-always coming up with a stellar performance when all has been lost. We have to fucking change the format of every series for them. Start with the last ODI first! Idiots.)

T3D4: Roach problem

Okay, bad title, but honestly I couldn't be bothered to put so much thought into this. The Windies sure didn't. I thought Sulieman Benn was just being annoying. But turns out there are more than one West Indian who think it is uber cool to be all in your face and vocal when the series has already been lost. Sure the Saffers stupidly lost three wickets (what was THAT all about?), but seriously, whatever could Kemar Roach have said to Jakes in such a situation?

Roach: You stupid fatty, you think you've won the series?
Kallis: Actually we have, so why don't you just go and pretend to bowl well?
Roach: You think you are cool hammering us around and having a successful tour? Well let me tell you, there's no dignity in beating us. We suck!

Of course once again, I like both the parties involved. Kemar HAS the bowling talent to accompany his gangster attitude, he just needs to learn when to use it. And let's not get into Jacques Kallis or this post will never end.

But I still am curious as to why the Windies were behaving this way? What did they get out of it other than some hugs from AB de Villiers? (that boy will use any excuse to touch somebody)
Kallis, being the bigger man that he is (literally and figuratively, he could smash Kemar's face into flat bread anytime) sought him out to shake hands with him after...and the Roach continued to sledge him! It was kind of like trying to tell someone who dumped you that you don't think you should see each other any more i.e. pathetic.

Sulieman Benn continued to be in the picture, slyly walked passed Dale Steyn so as to not shake hands with him. Dale Steyn then received the honour of being the Man-of-the-Series and had his entire match fee taken away.

As expected everyone involved tried to downplay the situation.

Men are even more stupid than I thought.

T3D3: Spitgate

Dale Steyn got a special albeit late birthday gift on Day 3. The gift was wrapped in anger, decorated with a mouth and went by the name of Sulieman Benn. The gift teased and taunted his team-mates and him. When Dale went to a beautiful leg-cutter by Kemar Roach, the gift laughed at the birthday boy, upon which he decided that he didn't like the gift and spat at him.

It is a serious issue, I agree. Both parties were acting like juvenile delinquents. But let's leave the seriousness to the officials shall we? And let us engage in some much needed laughter.

I always find it funny when sportsmen get upset and exchange words. It's funnier when the ones involved  are mediocre at the sport they play, which is often why they use their mouths to try and dominate instead. This is not the case here though. Benn is currently one of West Indies' most important test bowler and we all know how good Dale Steyn is. But that doesn't mean that we can't laugh at this.

Benn provoked much of it, I would say. When he starts talking he can't stop. He got overly excited when Dale came to the crease too, probably because he was sick of looking at the top of Bouchy's head. Sometimes I wonder if that's why he is so angry. Can you imagine going through life, having mostly views of bald spots, budding bald spots and dandruff? But Dale too had no business spitting at him, as funny as it was. That is disrespectful and quite a nasty thing to do. Keep your saliva where it belongs!

Both will probably be fined, but the problem is this will be Benn's millionth punishment. He chirps and riles people up, so the officials like to fine him. I don't mind him talking, he entertains me quite a bit. But I also don't want him to be banned for going overboard, because he really is crucial to the Windies right now. A bowling line up with Edwards, Taylor, Roach and Benn is a bloody exciting one!

Thankfully, for once, this wasn't the only interesting happening of the day. Much to my shock, Ashy P remained not out at 78, still didn't get his century mind you (*insert bitchy smirk here*), but he did get Bouchy run out. That is the only way I can rationalize a player getting run out in the third day of a test series when they are already leading. Benn bowled seriously well to restrict the Saffers and then his best friend Dale killed his top order.

I saw people on Cricinfo blame Benn for that too. But the truth is their batsmen were terrible,they have been terrible throughout the series and Benn, as annoying as he is, gave them a fighting chance and they blew it.

T3D2: I think oh dear isn't too dramatic

No, it's not too dramatic at all. They recovered, lost wickets, recovered and lost wickets again. Benn is being friggin' awesome and in case you haven't realized this yet, the Saffers WILL be batting last.

Why Hashim Amla is feeling the urge to be generous to spinners is beyond me. And fuck, if Paul Harris comes down as nightwatchman one more time, I am going to scream! Sure he survives the night, but then he gives his wicket promptly away the next day, like his bloody job is done. How about batting a little Paul? And if you can't, how about NOT sending him out for like half an hour the night before so he can leave on time for his ritualistic nap after breakfast. I mean what the fuck! Jacques Kallis and AB de Villiers are good enough to survive the night and bat for longer the next day. And If you absolutely HAVE to sacrifice somebody send Ashy P! Even though he is a Saffa and not Graeme Smith, I strangely have very little affection for him.

He did do well today though, him and his pal AB. The Saffers are still 6 down, with a lead of only 54. They need to make about 350 more methinks which means Bouchy and Ashy will both have to get hundreds. Or Dale will have to muster up another 86 if Ashy P decides that yet again, a fifty is all he needs to prove his worth as a batsman. With Benn determined to have his claws dug into the Saffers and the pitch turning and bouncing, I don't think that will be happening.

I don't understand why Cricinfo thinks the Saffers have edged ahead. Somebody please explain.

T3D1: Tactics

Hallelujah! The Saffers have dropped Lopsy and picked Botha instead! What a good decision! Other than the fact that he did great there is also the point that if Paul Harris can be part of a test team than the new, reformed, finally overcoming the trauma of losing his doosra Botes should DEFINITELY be a part of the Proteas test squad. Plus, I have come to the conclusion that Lopsy is a bit over-rated. Although, I have also come to the conclusion that I am judging him too early.

West Indies too have put some thought into their tactics. Maybe Chris Gayle feels like winning this one, just for kicks. They might as well end on a 'high', as I don't see anything scheduled for months to come.

Dowlin was dropped, thank fucking god! I don't really care about the Windies that much but shit this guy was an embarrassment! They still refused to pick Adrian Bharath  though and picked Dale Richards instead...again! FYI, he also sucks and has a very South African sounding name. Suspicious.

But the biggest tactic used by the Windies was confusion. Rampaul was injured so Sammy came in, much to my delight. But Sammy too succumbed to injury and was replaced by Pascal who looked into Chris Gayle's eyes too early and hence hurt his neck. All of this made way for one Brandon Bess, whose name strangely reminds me of Archie and the gang. I don't know why...

Dale Steyn also changed his tactics by wearing a heinous pair of sunglasses with white frames and having his handkerchief hang below his cap like an Arab Sheik. He looked quite disturbing. Thankfully Kemar Roach stuck to his tactics by being wonderful and fast.

Fidel Edwards and Jerome Taylor also stuck to their tactics by being injured and absent, which made me very upset. How long do we have to wait to see Morkel & Steyn go up against Edwards & Taylor?

T2D5: Planned assassination

During the course of this final day several people died. Some may have chosen to end their life, others died of natural boredom, but most died while trying out some dangerous sports to see if they could still feel excitement.

The Saffers and Windies would be held responsible for this mass murders except the people mentioned above didn't actually watch the game, they died just hearing about it.

Sulieman Benn let us know through twitter that he was glad that it was over. AB de Villiers ignored it completely and talked about Bafana Bafana. He may have mentioned that it was a long day somewhere but I wasn't interested. It was a long day for me too, as I caught a full five minutes of the game. My favourite part was the first three minutes of those five when it was lunch time and I stared at a footage of the pitch with people walking around.

Secretly, I commend these two teams' ability to focus and concentrate through such a day. But secrets must be kept to oneself, so I won't.

Just in case you were holding your breath, it was an exciting draw. I know, what a shocker!

T2D4: Suggestions

Let's make a team of all tail-enders and make the Saffers play against them. Because clearly, they need the practice. Barbie, Swannyg66, Rampaul, Benn, Mahmudullah, Mushfiq...hell let's even put Mohammad Asif in this team! The Saffers will be obligated to play this lot at least twice a year.

It seems that the Saffers are so busy studying the real batsmen, they forget that after all of them come those who in theory should succumb to their bowling like mosquitoes to DDT. And thus, the Saffers have become the team against whom tailenders test their abilities to be 'all-rounders'. Some may also think that they are genuine all-rounders (FYI, Mahmudullah is the real all-rounder amongst those I named) thanks to the Saffa bowlers. Because of all the fancy shit they try against the Rampauls and the Benns, all the batsmen have to do is stick their bat out and it goes for a boundary. It is a mockery! Not to mention a mockery of supposedly the deadliest fast bowling combination in the world right now, Morkel and Steyn.

I say supposedly because this combination has only clicked for two tests. These two have every skill to get rid of the supposedly but their greatness will have to include bowling at the bloody stumps and getting rid of the bloody tail-enders! Rid the world of fake all-rounders, treat them like non-batsmen...because that's exactly what they are! Don't be a disgrace to Donald-Pollock and Pollock-Ntini guys!

My other suggestion is that we should build Mark Boucher a throne, pick up a crown from Burger King and make Tim Paine, Kamran Akmal and Kieswetter dance around him.

T2D3: Hello ICC, too many runs!

Where is the ICC when you need them? I mean, where are they? Why aren't they following this match like the other five people who are planning their days, nights, dinners, dates around this? Three days, five centuries and three half centuries. One of whom belonged to Deonarine, the man who is giving Ashy P good competition as the worst test opener. When a deodrant makes runs, you KNOW the pitch is suspect.

Why am I complaining? Wasn't I the one whining about the Windies having no spirit a few days ago? Yes I was! But I meant they should show spirit and still roll over to the Saffa bowlers. AND I DON'T SEE THEM ROLLING OVER. That doesn't make me happy.

What is up with Shiv? Why are you finding form all of a sudden? Sure, you are one of my favourite Windies players but honey, this century business is getting a bit tedious. I mean, three people did it before you in this match alone! Do you really want to follow trends? You should stand out, bat like crap! Give Paul Harris your wicket! Oh wait, that's trendy too.

And then there was one more century by Nash too! But I won't bitch about that too much, his mommy might come after me.

If the Saffers don't take wickets tomorrow, this is heading for a draw. The Saffers drew their last two test series and frankly I've had enough. Sure, the chances of the Windies winning the last one are about as high as Bangladesh winning the world cup but I was promised a 3-0 whitewash and that's what I want. I would take my team winning over a bloody exciting series any day!

Wouldn't you?

T2D2: Attack of the toilet paper

I thought that the highest level of boredom had been reached during Trott's 200 against Bangladesh. I was wrong. Boredom had such a strong hold on every minute of this test, that even the players got bored.

Smithy set his eyes on 200 and then realized that even a double wasn't worth the torture. Kallis did the same. Most will say that it was the 200 that evaded him, but we say that he evaded the 200. Because he is Jacques Kallis and he can.

Then AB took control of the situation. Not only the cricket, the entertainment part too. AB is a born entertainer, he can play the guitar and everything. It was his time to shine, his time to provide the highlight of the day. He brought up his hundred with a beautiful four and a even more stunning six. But that wasn't enough to make people happy. So AB went to the toilet.

Everybody watched him run away. Some thought Graeme had declared, others thought AB was going to celebrate his hundred by sliding near the ropes, in true football style. Chris Gayle took a seat in the grasses, Mark Boucher stood next to the umpire with his helmet off- for clear view. The cameras focused on the green door through which AB had just disappeared.

Unable to control his curiosity any longer, Paul Harris walked in through the green doors. Perhaps AB needed help, perhaps AB was planning his next album and would give Harro a single; perhaps, AB was going to reveal to him the secrets of using the toilet.

As everybody found out just how much time AB de Villiers spends in the toilet, AB came striding out, a relieved man. The drama didn't end there my friends. Out of nowhere a toilet paper roll came and hit AB on the shoulder. To further add to our joy, it got stuck in AB spikes and he had to stop from his skip to the crease to take it out and toss it to the nearest Saffa. I hear the toilet paper roll will be sold on ebay.

This roll of white, soft toilet paper was touched by AB the entertainer. We thank thee for relieving yourself and us of the cricket.

T2D1: Let's keep you interested

Game 1: Take the Windies bowling attack and stuff them all in a box. Make sure they are packed tightly. Then go eat something. After walk around and stumble upon the box like you didn't expect it to be there. Look around nervously, approach it cautiously and then open it bravely. All the bowlers will spring out and hopefully surprise you. If they succeed, it will be the only time the Windies bowlers have had any tricks up their sleeves. If not, pack them in tighter.

Game 2: Count how many strands of hair Hashim Amla has in his beard. Oh wait, you don't have enough time because the only Saffa to stand tall to Indian spinners in India is all of a sudden struggling against some Shane Shillingford. Hashim honey, this ain't the original Shane. He is much fatter and cheated on his wife. So buck up and own the bastard. This is the easiest batting practice you are going to get during an actual match anyway.

Game 3: Conceptualize a support group for Gordon Greenidge, Viv Richards, Walsh, Ambrose, Lara...basically any West Indian that has the misfortune of calling themselves the past of this team. Please include heavy drinking and lots of abuse in the agenda. (Note: that guy screaming from the sidelines during the games will come handy when deciding on the abuses)

Game 4: Congratulate Graeme Smith on making 70000 runs. Here's the hard part, to win in this game you will have to convince Biffy to remain in the team as a batsman and a batsman only.

Winning plans

1) West Indies: Plan to challenge the Saffers at football instead and infiltrate their team with girls.

P.S: Sid, did Ricky and gang shave Biffy's hair?

2) AB de Villiers: Plan to stand and watch Mark Boucher work his abs off and still take his spot in the squad...possibly because of that winning smile.

3) Me: I plan to laugh at the Windies when they still lose to the Saffers and hold AB down so Bouch can continue to keep wicketsfor South Africa. Just in tests and ODI's. AB can have his T20 spot, we don't care about that.

We do care about Bouch's missing tooth though. We want it back AB, we want it back now!

T1D4: Sunday is a day of emotions

It started with Jakes getting mad when his LBW decision stood because no shot was offered and hit an imaginary umpire out of the park with his bat. It didn't stop there. Later on he threw the ball at Sulie Benn's stumps and sang a song to him in his own little way. It was more than we have seen from Jakes throughout his whole career. Methinks he was just feeling the heat on his head as his coverage of keratin have moved closer to the back of his neck. They are on a journey, a great mission to discover whether Jakes has a neck. It would make anybody emotional.

Gayle then hit AB on his ankles and smiled. One would figure that only violence would bring a smile on that man's face. But it wasn't a case of battery. It was more a case of 'your room-mate likes me too much and that makes me uncomfortable'. Unfortunately for Gayle, the threat didn't work and Morne still got his wicket. AB de Villiers was more in pain after that wicket because there are still two more tests to go. Gayle rushed from the crease in case Morne decided to actually give him a hug.

Ashy P, fresh from his fifty and cementing his spot in the test team yet again (I know, I know, he was only ever going to be dropped in my head but the bastard better keep making runs because I have been known to make things in my head come true) did a jig. It got the commentators so excited that they kept on talking about it till the t.v. guys were forced to show the whole jig. I am most certain that the real emotion amongst all this was boredom as West Indies headed to an inevitable loss.

All in all, a highly unusual day. Okay, not really. There was nothing unpredictable about it and this is exactly how the rest of the series will go as well.

Let's just hope Alviro gets five wickets in the same over and Smith bowls more often just to draw some emotions from us.

T1D3: Finally on the playground

Today there was no footy to follow, well at least there were no interesting games. So today the Saffers were going to actually play.

Only, Morne being the naughty kid dominated the playground in the morning. He didn't want to let anyone else play, specially the West Indies. Sometimes Boucher got to hold the ball for placing himself directly behind the stumps and sometimes Smith got the honour, because the ball just could not escape his fat hands. I am like every parent who refuse to acknowledge their kids as adults. Just replace kid with Buffalo and adult with thin.

Dale, being the jealous little boy that he is, refused to be shoved out of the limelight. He gave up wrestling wild animals in the jungles for this for fuck's sakes! So he forced himself in the game and very nicely forced Chanderpaul to play as well. Mind you, it's one of the rare times any West Indian played.

Morne grimaced. Dwayne Bravo was the casualty of that grimace.

After, Dale had two choices:
a) grab the rest of the wickets with the specific intention of denying Morne his fifer
b) grab the rest of the wickets for fun with the indirect intention of denying Morne his fifer

He went with (b) because he doesn't have enough fifers in the bag. It's really quite frustrating for a bowler of Dale's calibre. He also went with (b) because Morne is lovely shed of red when taunted, makes for a nice Valentines Day cake. But we didn't care, West Indies was the real loser in this catfight.

However, the joke was on us just as we were preparing for a sequel to the catfight and Fatty and Alviro came down the stairs instead of enforcing the follow on. Apparently AB picked Dale up in celebration a few too many times and in return Dale picked up some niggles. Morne was also slapped hard in the ass by the Buffalo at some point, so you can imagine that the boys were in no condition to bowl.

I was pissed and blamed it on Biff, like most of you I am sure. I am a believer of democracy.

West Indies decided not to come to the playground at all.

T1D2: Behind the scenes

'Why do we have to play!" said AB de Villiers. "Bafana Bafana is about to take on Mexico, our country is making history! I am not playing!"

'What the fuck you whining about? Jakes and I are batting. You can sit and watch the fucking game!", barked Paul Harris.

Subtitutes Ryan McLaren and Johan Botha smirked in their Bafana Bafana jerseys. They didn't have to play at all.

The footy started and everybody was glued to their blackberries, Iphones, smart phones...all hiding underneath their chairs. After all, there was a huge sign outside the dressing room that prohibited the usage of any sort of cellular device. Thus, it took Paul some time to find them when he had returned from the field.

"AB, AB, I am out. You gotta go out there. AB! Get your ass out there!"

AB left in a huff, all the while planning to get out soon so he can go back to the game. But Shillingford hit Jacques in the pad first.

"Appeal it! I am sure it was not out. Stay Jakes stay! You can get a hundred against these bowlers", AB tried to convince Jacques.

"Nah, I wanna see the first goal of the World Cup. Bye!" Jakes ran off.

Reassuringly, Prince informed AB that it was still 0-0.

"Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. But hey, can you please, please stay with me out here? I need to let the selectors know that the only reason I sucked against the Poms was because I was made to open. So be my support while I make a fifty. Everybody will know how good I am then!"

Only when Ashy P hit his fifty, Bafana Bafana had just scored. So no one really saw it. Ashy P didn't know this because the dressing room was jumping up and down with joy. Poor guy thought the celebration was for him.

Once he had proven his point, he too got sick of missing the game and left to join the guys in the dressing room. AB soon followed. Mark was thinking of doing the same, but Dale informed him that Mexico had tied.

The dressing room assumed that Mark Boucher was being Mark Boucher and saving their asses and Dale was winging it like crazy. Nobody looked up, till the cleaning guy came by and found sixteen Saffas underneath sixteen chairs, being appalled by France's defence.

"You guys can go home now, the match is over. I mean your match", he said.

"Oh!", said Graeme. "Aww look, just to be safe, let me tweet about us watching the highlights later at night so no one knows okay boys?"

As they walked off, the cleaning guy muttered, "Mon, some people did see your top order batting.."

T1D1: Behind the scenes

As it poured like a bitch outside, here's what happened inside. Benn and Gayle got along.

It wasn't easy. Gayle had just lost yet another toss to Graeme Smith and Benn was still pissed from being ejected off the ground in the fourth ODI. There was tension. Gayle put on this shades and pretended to not look at Benn while sizing him up and down. Benn stared blatantly. He didn't need no shades, his powers were in his eyes.

At one point Gayle opened his mouth and said, "We gotta get along meaning you gotta fucking do what I tell you to, and get me wickets".

To which Benn replied, "Remember Brad Haddin? I'll smash you to his height if you fucking ask me to leave the ground again".

Gayle: "You do realize I have a super duper chest?"

Benn: "You do realize I am your key bowler?"

Gayle: "How?"

Benn: "We are playing the Saffers and I am the spinner".

Gayle thought for a moment. Then out of nowhere, he flung himself at Benn and started punching him. Benn was not to be taken down so easily though. He fought back, kicking Gayle face repeatedly with his long legs. It did little to bring Gayle down but Benn didn't give in. Chairs flung everywhere, windows were smashed, it was utter chaos.

(In the dressing room next door the Saffers engaged in a meditation hour lead by Jacques Kallis and Hashim Amla, meaning they were essentially asleep in a yoga pose).

Then the umpires signalled for game time and Benn and Gayle had to stop. No one had won. But they were playing the Saffers and Benn was the spinner. Shane Shillingford was also a spinner but who could trust some player with such an un-West Indian like name. So they shook hands and decided to get along.

Eventually there was some cricket and Shane Shillingford struck, twice. But it didn't matter because Benn too had gotten a wicket, a crucial wicket.

Chris Gayle curved half his face into a smile.

West Indies Losers XI

I think it's time to infest West Indies with players who are not West Indian. Why? Do you even need to ask that question?

The real question is, where should we import these players from? I say we get perennial losers from any cricket playing country and make them Honourary West Indian citizens like Herschelle Gibbs and Michael Hayden. Then make them play for the team. I can garauntee you that this lot will win more games than the current bunch.

So without further ado, I give you the West Indies Losers XI:

1) Darren Sammy: He's not really a loser. In fact, with that face and that fearless attitude, he is always a winner in my books, but he is also a good leader of losers as proven by his current efforts. Sammy is really the only West Indian trying to win any matches for his stupid maroon team.

2) Dwayne Bravo: See above.

3) Nathan Bracken: Poor guy is a loser by association, with Cricket Australia that is. Any other team in the world would have ignored his Keira Knightley look and put the bugger in their test team. But not Cricket Australia. They would rather keep him hanging till he fades away. They would also rather pay for Brett Lee's numerous injuries. Brave Nathan continues to look for new opportunities and then the doctors tell him he needs another operation on his knee! Loser's luck indeed.

4) Imran Nazir: What high hopes one had for this lovely opener, although the same can be said for most Pakistani cricketers. Regardless, Imran had the agression, the cover drive and the fielding to be a regular in the team. But then he played  a couple of tests...and now he is just a 28 years old with a double chin who is only called for the national side as an afterthought.

5) Monty Panesar: In order to feel bad for Monty, I need to make space in my heart by getting out my real feelings for him...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I find his situation wonderfully funny. Yet another promising English bowler replaced the minute he hits bad form. He too is 28 with a double chin, but these days with Swann (UGH!) and numerous other young spinners in the horizon, poor ol' Monty isn't even an afterthought. Again, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

6) Dinesh Karthik: Who likes Dinesh Karthik? Do you like Dinesh Karthik? Do I like Dinesh Karthik? Does Dinesh Karthik's mother like Dinesh Karthik? See, I've mentioned his name one too many times and your face is already taking a disapproving shape. He is everywhere: keeping, a batting, fielding, captaining, preventing Sachin from getting a century...but it gets him nowhere. He's just one of those losers that we know is in his rightful place and refuse to let him leave LoserVille. May his lifetime membership continue, in maroon, doing a little bit of everything with the Windies.

7) Ireland: Pick any player, they have all been forced to live in LoserVille, sadly. They do not belong there at all and I for one would like to see them storm the ICC headquarters, confiscate all their adult diapers and threaten to shred them into pieces unless they receive a test status.

8) Martin Guptill: Why the fuck this person got any sort of nomination and recognition is beyond me. He has played in 30 ODI's and has a stunning average of 36.46. He's scored 948 runs so far...122 of them came in the SAME GAME. We will pardon him for his equally woeful test average because he's played in only 11 of them but what's all the hype about? Till I see it Martin darling, you are a loser.

9) Lance Klusener: How this breaks my heart! How it kills me! I feel like dolling up and doing a full Elizabeth Taylor-esque tragic scene when I hear his name. He got shafted by a BUFFALO! Sure, he was in crap form during that period but he was dropped because the young captain, who hadn't even secured a spot in the team, thought Zulu was disruptive and a bad influence. He never returned. He is a loser purely because of circumstances.

10) Mohammad Ashraful: Please don't ask and please don't defend him. If you would like to defend him, your team can have him.

11) Shane Watson: Because no losers team is complete without him.

WI draw first blood

Saffers got a small total, so small that Botha had to come back after retiring hurt. Then Morkel, who is having a friggin' awesome series and still not winning any man of the match awards murdered the Windies along with one eyed Charl. Charl's devotee, one eyed Botha also did well, even after the assault. Now there's a symbol of hope.

West Indies did nothing to try and reach the small total. SA won the series but they will still play the remaining two matches, just for kicks.

Absolutely nothing else happened in this match. Literally.

Give the win to West Indies

The Saffers batte(d) brilli(a)ntly, the(r)e is no doubt about that. The top o(r)d(e)r is fi(n)ally making me smile again.

Although, Ha(s)h's brilli(a)nt batting (m)akes (m)e want to punch the selectors in the face, I am going to put a restraining order on m(y)self. I am just happy that they are winning.

(D)(a)ve Mille(r) (r)(e)mi(n)d(s) me of (a) young AB, although let's not ju(m)p on that bandwagon yet. It's only his first series. I a(m) slightl(y) concerne(d) however, (a)bout what this means for Albie. If Alvi(r)o and Dave a(r)(e) firi(n)g it up, I fear Albie is going to be left out of the squad. Yet, I still have high hopes for that man.

JP ha(s) fin(a)lly been dropped, (m)uch to (m)(y) joy. Shut up, he needs it.

I am mo(d)er(a)tely satisfied with the bowling. They a(r)e bowling innume(r)ous wid(e)s. Maybe the heat is making them halluci(n)ate, maybe I am ju(s)t missing the bigger picture, m(a)ybe I a(m) being too picky. Actually fuck that. Fro(m) two matches, the(y) have 18 wi(d)es comp(a)(r)ed to West Indies' 12. That's an a(r)(e)a of concer(n). Lop(s)y is (a)lso an area of concern. Honey, when you are co(m)peting with Wayne Parnell and Ryan McLaren, I would say what you are doing in this series is (m)aking sure (y)ou never get picke(d), ever (a)gain. Thankfully, Johan Botha in the othe(r) end is b(r)inging a lot of joy in my life. Saff(e)rs may have a spi(n)ner...I can hardly believe it! No, I won't believe it till you come smack me. Easy now, you will have to fly to Canada first.

I can happily overlook the fielding mishap(s) bec(a)use (m)ost of the(m) were made by m(y) favourite Buffalo. Who cares about misfiel(d)s when you c(a)n happily make jokes and stick it into his big chin. I have also just (r)ealized that he can loose as much weight as he wants, his head will (r)(e)mai(n) gigantic. Meaning, more ammo for me. Life is indeed very good and shallow.

But ye(s), despite (a)ll this, let West Indies have this win. Not because that will (m)ake this series interesting and not because SA played a(m)azingly well and then nearl(y) lost it. But because of the man who hit (D)(a)le Steyn fo(r) two consecutive sixes and became a beacon of hope in this so(r)ry ass W(e)st India(n) team. The only man in maroon to believe.

I found it only fitting to put his name all over this post. 

Sex sells

It has come to my attention, due to twitter being so quiet and of course the empty grounds, that nobody...and I mean nobody, is watching the SA vs WI series. As a Saffa fan, I find it my moral duty to promote their matches and I am going to use the oldest trick in the book: sex.

I admit that these matches don't have the excitement of an unknown lover like a Virender Sehwag innings, neither do they have Daniel Vettori. But this is what they do have:

-Dale Steyn's yorkers. I have certified it as the sexiest thing in cricket right now. Standard Bank Cricket agreed.

-AB de Villiers crouching. Let's just leave it at that.

-Dale Steyn and Kieron Pollard, two very angry powerful men, pushed and shoved a little bit during the T20's. The fight may continue. Now, this may not become a catfight, nor will they suddenly engage in amorous activities while fighting, but that can only be a good thing right?

-Darren Sammy and Jerome Taylor...bowling fast, deadly blows that have the capacity to flatten little men like JP. You know, just in case you are into these things, this series has it.

Admittedly, this is not a very long list but maybe you guys can add to this by...you guessed it, watching the matches! Don't be cricketed out when SA are finally winning!

Also, if you like my marketing call the WICB and ask them to give me a job.

Confusion

Dale Steyn bowling seven wides is

                                                   The Buffalo walking was

just another way of him deciding that he needed
more time to practice his confused look. At least
by the time he left the crease, he had taught the
umpire the sheepish look, which is really a mixture
of genuine confusion and attempted confusion.  

 a prime example of what confusion can do to even the best.
The question is however, why was Dale confused? Did he think
the stumps could move? Maybe the wind was making the stumps
move and we couldn't detect it with the naked eye.

Loots Bosman overdoing that spirit of cricket crap was

the ultimate keepers of confusion who didn't know they

were supposed to officiate in a match. Thought the red

jerseys were supposed to make them look young so they 

could take one of the dancing girls home and that

they had merely landed the best seats in the ground.

Nikita Miller's face 

his attempt to confuse the Poms. On one hand he didn't walk when
he nicked it against them. On the other, he walked yesterday and the
fucker wasn't even out.Now, should the Poms laugh at him for his
immense stupidity or should they still be angry at him for not walking
against them. Massive confusion about how they should behave towards
the Buffalo. Which is necessary because the Buffalo may lose his job and
have to move to Pommyland. 

The umpires were

 

confusing the shit out of me. WHICH ANIMATED ALIEN
CHARACTER(S) DOES HE RESEMBLE?