The controversies begin

You know the ICC is shittier than shit when you hear something like,

' We have only four hot spot cameras which means we can only use them after the quarterfinals. If we were to have hot spot cameras available for the group stages as well, we would have had to order them in January or February of this year.'

Then why didn't you?

Which organization does last minute planning for their most prestigious event? And if funding is the problem then you should probably fire everybody in your Fundraising department because the money for something as important as this should have been ready at least over a year ago. I have never run such a big organization like the ICC and even I know stuff like this!

So they fucked up and now we have to sit and wonder what hot spot would have shown. That is just unfair not only on the teams, but on the fans as well. I am not a big fan of the UDRS but I really like hot spot as it's conclusive most of the time. It is the one that SHOULD be there, specially in such an important tournament. But who will knock that sense into the ICC?

They are not even trying to find some alternative to the problem to at least partially solve it. I don't know what such an alternative would be (neon balls? outfits that change colour when the ball hits?) as I don't get paid big bucks to think about these things. But it would be nice if the guys who do actually come up with SOMETHING.

Put your thinking cap on Dave! Give us a good World Cup. It happens once every four years!

T2D3: Hello ICC, too many runs!

Where is the ICC when you need them? I mean, where are they? Why aren't they following this match like the other five people who are planning their days, nights, dinners, dates around this? Three days, five centuries and three half centuries. One of whom belonged to Deonarine, the man who is giving Ashy P good competition as the worst test opener. When a deodrant makes runs, you KNOW the pitch is suspect.

Why am I complaining? Wasn't I the one whining about the Windies having no spirit a few days ago? Yes I was! But I meant they should show spirit and still roll over to the Saffa bowlers. AND I DON'T SEE THEM ROLLING OVER. That doesn't make me happy.

What is up with Shiv? Why are you finding form all of a sudden? Sure, you are one of my favourite Windies players but honey, this century business is getting a bit tedious. I mean, three people did it before you in this match alone! Do you really want to follow trends? You should stand out, bat like crap! Give Paul Harris your wicket! Oh wait, that's trendy too.

And then there was one more century by Nash too! But I won't bitch about that too much, his mommy might come after me.

If the Saffers don't take wickets tomorrow, this is heading for a draw. The Saffers drew their last two test series and frankly I've had enough. Sure, the chances of the Windies winning the last one are about as high as Bangladesh winning the world cup but I was promised a 3-0 whitewash and that's what I want. I would take my team winning over a bloody exciting series any day!

Wouldn't you?

Pie Chuckers Anonymous

Man 1: Hi my name is Witchy and I am a pie chucker.

Everyone: Hi Witchy.

Witchy: I guess it really started when I got into reading tabloids so I could connect with my vice captain, who is the reigning queen of the Aussie tabloids these days. Anyway, before long my mum was on it saying horrible things about the love of my life. That's when I first started chucking at the home of Cricket. I recovered momentarily, when my captain pointed out that at least my mum didn't say I wasn't an all-rounder. But the whole time I got my line and lenght right I kept thinking 'chuck, chuck, chuck'. It kept calling me. I tried to fight it again and again, but it just grips your brain you know. Asking you to let the batsman score runs, like the ICC. I liked to do it with the new ball most of the time. But thankfully, I ended the year with an award and as the world's top wicket taker. That is really why I am leading the meeting today, to let you all know that even when you are deep in pies...there is a smell of hope somewhere.

Everyone claps. Witchy starts to leave and then comes back.

Witchy: I also scored 500 runs BTW. See, I am an all-rounder after all.

Silence. Witchy walks off uncomfortably. An annoyed man comes to the stage next.

Man 2: Hi my name is Durby and I am a pie chucker.

Everyone: Hi Durby.

Durby: See, I came into cricket to be a pie chucker. I never had any aspirations for anything else. Sure, I pretended to be useful and good once upon a time, but to take advantage of the system you have to be in the system first. So I sealed my position in the team and then started chucking. Witchy resisted it, which is why he fell on and off the wagon. Me, I just let it drip through my nerves to my fingers and fire. Chuck, chuck, chuck. Oh, I love the sound of that. My aim is to be the king of pie chuckers. Sometimes I may get some wickets and beat the batsman, but that's only to ensure that I am never dropped from the team. I am attending this meeting to let you know that there is NOTHING wrong with chucking my friends.Specially when you are overseas where they naturally fear you because you are a spinner from India. I'm telling you folks, when you are deep in pies, it is soft and wonderful.

Some cheer guiltily, others boo half-heartedly. But the meeting is done for this week. Next week we meet some more of our fellow chuckers. Now onto the refreshments table where we are serving...apple pies!

ROAR!

Shakib-Al-Hasan has been named the Wisden Test Player of the year for 2009. My boy topped a performance table compiled by the magazine. TOPPED. The ones he beat:

Gautam Gambhir
Sachin Tendulkar
Andrew Strauss
Andrew Flintoff
Jacques Kallis
Graeme Smith
Dale Steyn

I would very much like to send the Incessant Crack Consumers one of the starving lions in my basement for axing Shakib from the short list of the ICC 2009 awards. BUUT, I will follow my boy’s lead and keep things simple.

I’ll send them a thousand prosthetic middle fingers wrapped in lavender scented packaging instead.

ICC: Incessant Crack Consumers

They announced the short list for the 2009 awards:

Cricketer of the Year: MS Dhoni, Gautam Gambhir, Mitchell Johnson, Andrew Strauss

Test Player of the Year: Gautam Gambhir, Mitchell Johnson, Thilan Samaraweera, Andrew Strauss

ODI Player of the Year: Shivnarine Chanderpaul, MS Dhoni, Yuvraj Singh, Virender Sehwag

Emerging Player of the Year: Ben Hilfenhaus, Graham Onions, Jesse Ryder, Peter Siddle

No Steyn, AB or Smith. They got jealous of Steyn's immaculate bowling; AB told them that he would set Jesus on their ass for being crack whores and Smithy called them 'naughty'. That scared them. They didn't want their wives to know the story behind that.

NO SHAKIB EITHER. Well no surprises there. Seeing as the ICC didn't even include Bangladesh in the Champions Trophy. I'm beginning to think the ICC will be the death of cricket. They won't support the bottom ranked teams and won't nominate players who worked their ass off to put their team in the number 1 position.

Why play cricket then?

So that the crack whores can make money to buy more drugs and make decisions under the influence. It's time Freddie, Hersch, Jesse, Asif and Symonds took a crack at it.

India: the number one team in ODI's

I know why they got it. It's because they are a beneficent team. The ICC wants to play God and reward them for their act of kindness. You really have to believe me. I have evidence:

1) NZ allowed SL to score only 216 runs in the first ODI, India let them score 307. But they do get demerit points for not letting Sanath score his century. He was bitten on the leg by some strange Penguin-like creature. Shame on you Nehra. When you give, give everything. You will spend one day in cricket hell.

2) They dropped catches and misfielded several times. This is clearly an act of giving, sharing and caring. If they had held all their catches the ball would feel suffocated in their hands and ultimately die. If they had not misfielded, the ball would not have been able to run free into the ropes. Restriction of freedom is a very serious offence you know. Particularly in the ball world.

3) On an average, each bowler gave over 6 runs per over. They felt that SL will surely return their generosity when it came time for them to bowl.

4) But India could not stop giving. So they kept on giving their wickets. Particularly to Angelo Mathews. They thought from his name that he was a real angel and would guide them to a place where they can continue to bat after Tendulkar and Dravid fall. That didn't happen..and it never will.

How can such a benevolent team not get the number one status? I would like to thank the ICC for coming up with such a ranking system. It truly is the greatest thing on Earth.

What does it take to win a Twenty20?

The Kiwis seem to be unable to win anything other than T20s. The players that fell left and right to the deadly Sri Lankan bowlers have maintained their miserable batting in this game, with the exception of Taylor who also performed averagely in the Tests. The bowler (yes unfortunately for New Zealand, they have only one consistent wicket taker) who bowled tidily in the Tests, did the same phenomenal job in the T20 game. Dilshan, who clobbered the Kiwis in the first test, almost took the game away from them today. Most of the factors remain the same, but the results vary.

So what is it? Are the Black Caps unable to focus for more than 40 overs? That doesn't seem to be case, because they are number 5 in the ICC ODI rankings at the moment. So, they can focus for one day? After that they just follow a pattern of visiting the pitch for a short while and running around the field for fun.

But I like the Kiwis and I think they are a very good team. Horribly underrated though. Look at the current series against Sri Lanka. Both Tests went to Day 5 and they were batting second both times. Awesome Dan's heroics almost won the second test. If only Oram had been able to keep it together!

New Zealand is capable of providing many moments of anxiety for the opposition team and they are certainly capable of winning T20s. Yet they hardly win tests. Sri Lanka on the other hand are number 2 in the Test rankings at the moment. But ICC Test and ODI rankings seem unable to explain the results of this circus of a game. Sometimes it's one individual performance, sometimes it's sheer luck, sometimes its the team. More often than not, it's all about who is unfazed by the demands of the format and can keep his cool till the last ball.

Twenty20 results don't mean anything in a series...I firmly maintain that. But it frustrates me to accept that cricket has become a game of luck and show offs with no brilliant scheming or mind games involved. It gives a platform for mediocre teams to claim glory (the English!) and exceptional teams to fall flat on their faces (Sri Lanka). So even if cricketers have figured out what it takes to win a Twenty20 game, I don't think they should take it seriously. Because the Kiwis will win Friday's T20 and then get hammered at the ODI's. It will happen. You just wait and see.