Why should I fucking run mate?

There was a wonderful incident at the game yesterday. KP had become temporarily Saffa, taking a stunning catch (Yes, I am claiming that as a result of his Saffa genes. The English don't turn 360 degrees in mid-air like that) and of course molesting Jakes like no tomorrow. But KP was actually over-excited yesterday. He was involved in most field changes, moving around like he was on battery. So, when he came out at number three (after his lover Jakes had failed), and started thwarting the bowlers around people were sort of expecting it. At this point he may have been feeling like a Saffer or English. We never know when he takes on what identity. And the fact that the Poms call him a Saffa the minute he starts sucking doesn't help our dilemma either.

Anyway, the already confused lad, now has to assume a third identity. That of a RCBian (Evidently, that's the official term. Don't ask!). And there is no shortage of criticism there for him either. He fucked up one game and they dropped him and called him a useless git. I happily listened to them, I am not very fond of KP. But if you really think about it, he didn't deserve it. Just like Kallis didn't deserve those harsh words from Kumble. But that's another post where I fry Kumble for thinking Kallis is going to fucking babysit the team that think Cameron White is more valuable than Mark Boucher.

Back to the incident. It was very English, or rather Saffa-English as Michael Lumb had demonstrated earlier in the match. Both of them charged down the pitch like bulls with thyroid problems and refused to acknowledge the fact that their partners had signalled 'no'. KP has done this before, so we were not surprised. But we were delighted about was the fact that once given out, KP turned around to say "Fucking run mate" and then "Fuck man" to his team-mate Kohli, while lovely pig Shane Warne stood by laughing at them.

We loved it. As did we love the strong arm that KP put around Kohli afterwards, pretending to show him some love but actually strangling him so he smiled for the camera. It was comedy all around. Including Dravid trying to console KP right after. And we all know Dravid had to frequently run with Saurav Ganguly. That couldn't have been fun.

What this incident is going to lead to is something that I'm sure the IPL has brought up before: the question of whether IPL teams can actually evoke the same sentimentality and pride that cricketers feel when representing their national teams, enough for them to overcome the fact that their team-mates are actually their competitors  the rest of the 10 months (unless some of them play county as well). Could Kohli really have cared enough to sacrifice himself for the man that was clearly much more settled than he was, seeing as the man was not a fellow Indian cricketer? Should Kohli have cared? The obvious answer is yes. They are a fucking team and they get paid gazillions of dollars (and free alcohol when you are a RCBian) to be a team. But it does not necessarily mean that the players are emotionally that much charged up to give their everything. Kohli might have ran down the pitch for say, M.S or Yuvraj, but for KP...not so much. And you can't really blame him. This is the guy he is going to fight in another slogfest in about two weeks.

At this point, we obviously have the age-old argument of how a sportsman should always uphold team spirit no matter what team they are representing. To which I say, bull fucking shit. This is not football, where your club team comes first. In cricket the national team is and will always be top priority. Meaning subconsciously, KP will always be Kohli's opposition and KP will probably not think twice before swearing at him, like he would have even if Owais Shah had been at the other end.

Plus, poor KP is already lost. Don't burden him with any more issues of identity crisis. But know this: whether he is Saffa, English or RCBian, he will always run himself out like an idiot at some point. It's called KP cricket. Get used to it.

Naked men

Deccan may yet go to the semis, thanks to RCB, so they celebrate by having a big pool party. Because they are a good disciplined team, they swim in a line or rather stare at the camera in a line, keeping their captain in the centre. Except for Roy, who as expected, breaks away from the rest and breaks out into a dance. He is semi-naked and has a less than attractive backside, but his dancing is nearly perfect.

Meanwhile, RCB work hard in the nets to make sure they win their game against the fat and twat Royals tomorrow. I will be supporting them of course. I want both my teams in the semis and since bloody Mumbai have forced their way in, that only leaves one spot. It can be anybody. I say that because I know for sure that it won't be KKR or Punjab. All my dreams have come true, and hence I want to LOL like a thirteen year old.

LOL.



Thank bucva for finding this amongst a shit load of precious RCB videos.

Deccan playing for a loss

Operation: Game against Rajasthan

General wish/want/endeavour: Win the game

Possible problems:
Shane Warne, Gilly's 'best mate'
Graeme Smith, not playing but still Hersch's 'close' friend
Shaun Tait's yorkers
Harsh Umpires

Things going Deccan's way (estimated) :
a) One wrong umpire decision
b) Nothing

Things Deccan can do to make it easier for Rajasthan: Run Andrew Symonds out, right after Herschelle goes.

Things Deccan can do to come out of this mess:
a) Call upon the Chaminda Vaas batting ghost of yesterday (if he even exists)
b) Stop getting run out
c) Ensure that Hersch gets 5 direct, successful hits
d) Call Shaun Tait fat thereby distracting him (The horrendous Rajasthan uniform makes him look curvy)
e) Get wickets
f) Let Kemar Roach play

Some last inspiring Hollywoodesque words during the strategic time-out: If you lose, they win. If you win, they lose. Work it out, it's not complicated.

Post match thoughts: Hersch decided to drop a catch instead. It hurt like a bitch.

Smith in twitter controversy

During the Rajasthan Royal vs Punjab game, Graeme Smith tweeted the following:

Good start 4 the royals!pls tell me if sreesanth really needs to behave like such an idiot!!!!

CSA moved swiftly and quickly (a necessary redudancy to stress on how fast they moved) to control the damage. Graeme Smith's twitter account has been suspended indefinitely and he is to see Gerald Majola in a hearing at 6am Cape Town time. Also present in the hearing will be John Howard writing a practical exam for the ICC. Giles Clark will be present, through webcam and in his pajamas. Details of the pajamas are to be kept secret.

Sreesanth started excreting body fluids in the form of tears since Smith pressed enter as he wears an ear piece connected to his phone in his pocket, which gives him twitter updates. One with technology you know, this future generation. Anyway, last heard, he may be able to bring the Dead Sea to life. 

Somewhere, someone has cried racism. It's still obscure, but will be prominent very, very soon. No one in India gives a shit, as it is only Sreesanth and probably justified.

Of course, all that you just read is fictional and it may or may not happen. What is NOT fictional is the fact that Punjab lost and Sreesanth swore. Like the 15 other players in this IPL.  

Choosing my IPL team

I have no regional affiliation with any of these teams, neither am I an Indian supporter. Hence, my IPL team choosing method largely depends on...you guessed it...the Saffers. I am of the opinion that BD players shouldn't be there to begin with..waste of their time and fitness (MASHRAFE!). So their presence has very little effect on me. Btw, this also means I am allowed to be fickle and support more than one team. Okay? Okay.

So here we go, my elimination process:

Mumbai Indias: Ryan McLaren, JP, Polly the Ginger Ninja and Superman Jonty.
Unfortunately, neither Polly nor Jonty are with them anymore (right?). I love Ryan, but only because he is Saffa. I have yet to make that 'YoaresofuckingawesomeIwanttoworshipyou' connection with him. And JP has broken my heart beyond repair...so for now, Mumbain Indians- REJECT!

KKR: Charl Langeveldt.
Oh Charl, my one-eyed monster. Even though you are bald and should be playing for the national team more often, I cannot stand your team-mate Baz. He makes me want to take a butter knife and scrape away at his tattoos. Very slowly. He makes me want to be an American solider at Guantanamo Bay! And I cannot be that person. I'm so sorry Charl. I am soo sorry! KKR- REJECT!

Punjab: Yusuf Abdullah
First of all, I haven't even watched Yusuf play that much. Second of all, even if I had and was a fan, the minute I think of Punjab, I think Yuvraj. After which I just resort to projectile vomitting, all the while thinking if only Yuvi had done so his ego might have shrunk a little. Or maybe not. Even if it had...Punjab- REJECT! Like a thousand times.

Royals: Graeme Smith, Johan Botha, Morne Morkel
You guys already know how this is going to go. My love for the crooked Johan and the magnificent Morne knows no barriers. Except when uber-sized, filthy, junk-filled bodies in the forms of Shane Warne and Graeme Smith come in the way. I want to reject the Royals, except I can't do that to Morne. Hence, I am on a mission to save these two. Maybe I will buy them and then lock them up in some high tower with a dragon guarding the place. Pretty sure the Fat Twins won't be able to defeat the dragon...unless they eat it! BAAH! Anyway, Royals- SEMI-REJECT!

Delhi: AB de Villiers, Wayne Parnell
Yay! You would think I'd be a die-hard Delhi fan...well I am not. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because their third choice captain is Dinesh Karthik (What.the.fuck!) or maybe because as much as I try, I can't be a fan of Gautam Gambhir. But why doesn't AB and Wayne have the power to trump these obstacles? My psychiatrist thinks it's my inability to happy for successful, ultra-talented, nearly perfect children. Something to do with personal insecurity. Of course, it's all bullshit and the real reason is that their jersey look like that of England's. See how I bring the Poms everywhere? If I may say so, I am a bastard-bitch-idiot all in one. Delhi- REJECT!

Chennai: Justin Kemp, Albie Morkel, Makhaya Ntini
This just has one big, fat rejection written all over it's face. First of all, their captain is Mega Stupid. Second, they have glory hunter Freddie. Third, they have three Saffers who have not been able to perform for their country lately. Sorry Maki, past achievements are great an all that and I still love you for that but right now, right here...you ain't making it back to the team. I am sad for you, but I also want them to win. Which they can't if you are there. And let's not even talk about Albie. You put my Zulu to disgrace! Egghead!
Chennai- REJECT!

RCB:  Jacques Kallis, ROFL, Mark Boucher, Dale Steyn
This is my heaven right here. In addition, they have Rahul Dravid, my favourite Indian player. And I am also quite liking Praveen Kumar these days. But we all know Jakes, Bouchie, my Dale and my alien son make the team. Don't pretend otherwise, it's bad for your health. However, they are missing a crucial person and because of that, they are my second team. Regardless, RCB: EJECT!

Deccan: THE ONE AND ONLY HERSCHELLE GIBBS
Major hypocrisy alert. He is riding on past glory, hasn't performed for the Saffers in a while, is one of those uber-talented, young people but man...he is Herschelle freaking Gibbs. Messed up, bad boy, elegant stroke player, bald, fantabulous fielder...I'll stop before you are disgusted and clicking to close the page. But notice how I cleverly put this in the end, so you have to read through all of my "neutral" opinions before finding out I am still really biased and blindly in love with this has-been.
Deccan Chargers: EJECT! To the moon. With the IPL trophy bitches!