T1D4: Sunday is a day of emotions

It started with Jakes getting mad when his LBW decision stood because no shot was offered and hit an imaginary umpire out of the park with his bat. It didn't stop there. Later on he threw the ball at Sulie Benn's stumps and sang a song to him in his own little way. It was more than we have seen from Jakes throughout his whole career. Methinks he was just feeling the heat on his head as his coverage of keratin have moved closer to the back of his neck. They are on a journey, a great mission to discover whether Jakes has a neck. It would make anybody emotional.

Gayle then hit AB on his ankles and smiled. One would figure that only violence would bring a smile on that man's face. But it wasn't a case of battery. It was more a case of 'your room-mate likes me too much and that makes me uncomfortable'. Unfortunately for Gayle, the threat didn't work and Morne still got his wicket. AB de Villiers was more in pain after that wicket because there are still two more tests to go. Gayle rushed from the crease in case Morne decided to actually give him a hug.

Ashy P, fresh from his fifty and cementing his spot in the test team yet again (I know, I know, he was only ever going to be dropped in my head but the bastard better keep making runs because I have been known to make things in my head come true) did a jig. It got the commentators so excited that they kept on talking about it till the t.v. guys were forced to show the whole jig. I am most certain that the real emotion amongst all this was boredom as West Indies headed to an inevitable loss.

All in all, a highly unusual day. Okay, not really. There was nothing unpredictable about it and this is exactly how the rest of the series will go as well.

Let's just hope Alviro gets five wickets in the same over and Smith bowls more often just to draw some emotions from us.

T1D3: Finally on the playground

Today there was no footy to follow, well at least there were no interesting games. So today the Saffers were going to actually play.

Only, Morne being the naughty kid dominated the playground in the morning. He didn't want to let anyone else play, specially the West Indies. Sometimes Boucher got to hold the ball for placing himself directly behind the stumps and sometimes Smith got the honour, because the ball just could not escape his fat hands. I am like every parent who refuse to acknowledge their kids as adults. Just replace kid with Buffalo and adult with thin.

Dale, being the jealous little boy that he is, refused to be shoved out of the limelight. He gave up wrestling wild animals in the jungles for this for fuck's sakes! So he forced himself in the game and very nicely forced Chanderpaul to play as well. Mind you, it's one of the rare times any West Indian played.

Morne grimaced. Dwayne Bravo was the casualty of that grimace.

After, Dale had two choices:
a) grab the rest of the wickets with the specific intention of denying Morne his fifer
b) grab the rest of the wickets for fun with the indirect intention of denying Morne his fifer

He went with (b) because he doesn't have enough fifers in the bag. It's really quite frustrating for a bowler of Dale's calibre. He also went with (b) because Morne is lovely shed of red when taunted, makes for a nice Valentines Day cake. But we didn't care, West Indies was the real loser in this catfight.

However, the joke was on us just as we were preparing for a sequel to the catfight and Fatty and Alviro came down the stairs instead of enforcing the follow on. Apparently AB picked Dale up in celebration a few too many times and in return Dale picked up some niggles. Morne was also slapped hard in the ass by the Buffalo at some point, so you can imagine that the boys were in no condition to bowl.

I was pissed and blamed it on Biff, like most of you I am sure. I am a believer of democracy.

West Indies decided not to come to the playground at all.

Give the win to West Indies

The Saffers batte(d) brilli(a)ntly, the(r)e is no doubt about that. The top o(r)d(e)r is fi(n)ally making me smile again.

Although, Ha(s)h's brilli(a)nt batting (m)akes (m)e want to punch the selectors in the face, I am going to put a restraining order on m(y)self. I am just happy that they are winning.

(D)(a)ve Mille(r) (r)(e)mi(n)d(s) me of (a) young AB, although let's not ju(m)p on that bandwagon yet. It's only his first series. I a(m) slightl(y) concerne(d) however, (a)bout what this means for Albie. If Alvi(r)o and Dave a(r)(e) firi(n)g it up, I fear Albie is going to be left out of the squad. Yet, I still have high hopes for that man.

JP ha(s) fin(a)lly been dropped, (m)uch to (m)(y) joy. Shut up, he needs it.

I am mo(d)er(a)tely satisfied with the bowling. They a(r)e bowling innume(r)ous wid(e)s. Maybe the heat is making them halluci(n)ate, maybe I am ju(s)t missing the bigger picture, m(a)ybe I a(m) being too picky. Actually fuck that. Fro(m) two matches, the(y) have 18 wi(d)es comp(a)(r)ed to West Indies' 12. That's an a(r)(e)a of concer(n). Lop(s)y is (a)lso an area of concern. Honey, when you are co(m)peting with Wayne Parnell and Ryan McLaren, I would say what you are doing in this series is (m)aking sure (y)ou never get picke(d), ever (a)gain. Thankfully, Johan Botha in the othe(r) end is b(r)inging a lot of joy in my life. Saff(e)rs may have a spi(n)ner...I can hardly believe it! No, I won't believe it till you come smack me. Easy now, you will have to fly to Canada first.

I can happily overlook the fielding mishap(s) bec(a)use (m)ost of the(m) were made by m(y) favourite Buffalo. Who cares about misfiel(d)s when you c(a)n happily make jokes and stick it into his big chin. I have also just (r)ealized that he can loose as much weight as he wants, his head will (r)(e)mai(n) gigantic. Meaning, more ammo for me. Life is indeed very good and shallow.

But ye(s), despite (a)ll this, let West Indies have this win. Not because that will (m)ake this series interesting and not because SA played a(m)azingly well and then nearl(y) lost it. But because of the man who hit (D)(a)le Steyn fo(r) two consecutive sixes and became a beacon of hope in this so(r)ry ass W(e)st India(n) team. The only man in maroon to believe.

I found it only fitting to put his name all over this post. 

Test Squad

South Africa squad: Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, Friedel de Wet, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Makhaya Ntini, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn.

-They are hoping that Jakes is fit for the first test. I am not wasting time on hope. They need Jakes. Everybody needs Jakes, but that's a separate issue. I am ordering someone to donate their ribs to him. For the Proteas. No, not you KP. Settle down.

"But I wuv him!"

Note, that picture also qualifies for the Scandalous posts.

-They have five fast bowlers in the squad now. Dale is pretending to be injured while he comes to terms with his addiction to crap and Mak hasn't played since the last ice age. So these are the backups. The problem is, the backups are kind of inexperienced. *puts one toe down in panic mode*

-No Albie Morkel, but Morne instead. There is a God after all.

-No adopted son ROFL. Didn't really expect him to be there. But still. My life is strangely incomplete without aliens.

-Alviro Peterson is in after making an impression in the ODI's. Very nice. Although I am pretty certain he is just there so Ashwell Prince does not get a chance. Ashy P is the official King of players that get sidelined just for the heck of it.

Prediction: Am not making any. I am not Glenn McGrath. Although I do talk to pigeons.

Silence

Because I don't even know if this performance is post-worthy. Where do I start? The toss? The decision to bat first? The actual batting? Not even trying to at least put in a decent bowling performance?

I stopped watching after the 6th Saffa wicket fell. Particularly because I didn't want to break my t.v. at 5am in the morning. Also because I couldn't believe I had stayed up in anticipation to watch this.

The Saffers looked like no one had told them that they had a match today. They showed up to the batting crease somewhat dazed from the early morning start but faking confidence. Then as the wickets tumbled, they tried to pretend it was a bad dream that would pass if they hurried back to the pavilion and just got over with it.

I physically wanted to hurt JP Duminy. Not that I would, because I love him. But I wanted to so bad that I considered being dramatic and putting a hole through my wall. Did he actually play that shot? It was wayy to early in the morning and I was half asleep, so someone please tell me. If you are a psychologist I would also like to know what would drive someone to play that shot. He better be kicking himself. Actually I hope right now, the whole team is having a huge kick-fest. Because that's what they deserve. It was just so fucking embarrassing! Even Bangladesh has never embarrassed me like this. And that's saying something!

Tim Bresnan bowled 8 overs and gave 15 runs. Tim Bresnan! Even the Poms are not sure why he is in the team. And the whole time the Saffers looked dumbfounded with his bowling, as if no one had taught them how to face a bowler in their life!

Do I even want to mention Alviro Peterson's 50? No I don't. Because that would be pretending that he was a positive in this fucked up batting performance. There was not a single positive from this game, NONE. Because they were a fucking disgrace and deserve every bit of the humiliation they are feeling right now. I mean seriously...HOW? How did they even come up with this performance? I have no words.

Yeah, yeah, Jimmy was brilliant. Whatever. I never said he wasn't good.

The worst part is, I am still rooting for the Saffers to win the last ODI and at least draw the series. Fucking loyalty causing me stress!