Warning: Jacques Kallis adulation post

"We choked them", said Jayasuriya, after the Boxing day test. Of course whenever SA loses, no matter in what manner, it's always choking. 252 runs- choking, 10 wickets-choking, loss because of massive failure in all departments- choking.

So Kallis, who got a stunning pair in that test, turned around. It was his 150th test and you know Kallis has that annoying habit? What is it? Yeah, he is so god damn good that he just turns milestones into other milestones.

The man who chased a double ton for so long, now has two. In a do or die match as well. That registered SA's first win at home since 2008. Yes, it's been a long time and thank god it has ended.

I would have been fucking embarrassed had SL drawn or won against SA at home. SL are lovely, but they have been playing in the subcontinent and going only next door for eons. Don't give me stats, I don't want to hear it. SA should have won this from the start and I'm so glad they did. They should have won the Boxing Day test match too, but we won't mention it.

They now move on to New Zealand, another lovely team. I love them with all their sheep, but let's face it- SA WILL KILL THEM. Yes, they must. It's time SA, it's time to be ruthless hounds.

Vettori is handsome and charming and a fantastic cricketer- but HE MUST BE ANNIHILATED. Chris Martin is too good but what is his empty skull next to Kallis' luscious hair? And all that lovely cricket brain.

Oh Jacques and his lovely cricket brain! I'm so at ease with the rest of the season now that Kallis has had a mammoth start. This will continue; yes this will, for wins in Kiwiland and more importantly ENGLAND. Jacques hasn't peaked, he never peaks. He just stays on top in all his glory. Even when he gets a pair he breaks records soon after. No time to think about his failures, the man is too busy being great. And when Jacques is great, he inspires the rest (for the most part). Poor Graeme though, he comes before Jacques in the batting lineup so he never gets any of his inspirations. But who cares? We got AB, Hash, Alviro (yes Alviro, you can do this!), Bouch and even DALE after JK.

Choke on that bitches.

Twelve days to go..

Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.

Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.

Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team. 

Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.

ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES. 

AB is injured and out.

The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.

The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.

But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.

All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.

But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.

Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.

That's it?

I missed the Sri Lanka and India game yesterday because of work. Story of my life lately! But I did log onto Twitter for a bit to see what was going on and I realized that I missed something very interesting. Twitterville was buzzing with opinions on the 'Randiv incident'. I couldn't wait to go back home and look it up.

When I did, it turned out that Randiv had deliberately bowled a no ball, when India needed one run to win so Sehwag would not get his 13th ODI hundred. And I thought to myself, that's it?

By the reactions of those on the internet, one would think that this was Sehwag's last ever ODI match and he was denied a glorious exit. I am sure Sehwag was at his prolific best as he often tends to be but seriously, what a fucking sorry-ass of an incident!

This has less to do with Virender Sehwag and more to do with batsmen and their continuous whining. They whine about everything. Pitches annoy them, audience members distract them, umpires give them unfair decisions, bowlers deny them centuries...hello, that's their fucking job! Just because the match is lost, he is supposed to hand you a century?

And don't give me all that crap about the 'Spirit of Cricket'. What is the Spirit of Cricket really? You can bend that law/saying/intuition/whatever it is supposed to be to make your own point. Like statistics, it is only there to serve your purpose and nothing else. Like, if this was the century that was going to take Sehwag past Sachin Tendulkar in the record books, I would have used the Spirit of Cricket bullshit to blast Randiv and condemned him for his act. See how easy that was?

And if we are so big on the Spirit of Cricket how about investing in something called the Spirit of Bowling as well? Let's not expect bowlers to pick up the slack of shitty batting performances; let's have harsh punishments for terrible fielders who drop the one fucking ball that comes to them after the bowlers have toiled for hours; let's recognize the bowler's contribution not only when he has taken wickets but also when he bowled brilliantly but remained wicket less. LET FAST BOWLERS BOUNCE THE BATSMEN! Let spinners deceive them. Make pitches...aah fuck it! That's a lost cause.

My point is, had this happened to Shane Watson, we would have all laughed and said he deserved it for being a twat. And Watson is, if you force your brain to think about it for a few seconds, a pretty talented batsman as well. We would have said that Randiv was being competitive, so why support Sehwag's whining?

Me, I am glad he got stranded on 99. Just like I support an opposition team's increased efforts to rattle a batsman when he is in the 90's, irrespective of the situation.

Bangladesh postpone Kiwi test

I love tests, but let's face it, Bangladesh really need to work very hard on their one day skills if they are not to lose to Ireland and Netherlands again in WC 2011. I also know that this opening sentence is making you wonder why Bangladesh get to play tests in the first place and even postpone one one top of that. Well they do, and since every argument for and against has already been made in the past, all I am going to say is : if Bangladesh is stripped of their test status you get the pleasure of watching more India vs Sri Lanka series, as none of these teams want to travel far. Nor do they want to travel to Pakistan. Hence, Bangladesh is doing you a service.

But back to the topic at hand. This was a smart decision, which is oh so rare for the BCB. Unlike some other countries we have actually had a good couple of years in terms of playing a variety of teams. Sure we still managed to play Sri Lanka the most (The Lankans need to expand their country vocab a little), but overall it's been good exposure in the test level. But now the WC is only six months away (YAY!) and we don't even have a stable one day team.

I personally feel good about Bangladesh's chances of making it to the second round in this World Cup, because it's the World Cup and it distorts all logic and judgement. All you want to do is be blindly behind your team. So any move they are making in an attempt to at least meet that expectation will be supported by me.

Of course, I am still looking forward to the test against the Kiwis afterwards. The last time they met in February, the bloody 'series' had only one test. It's about time we finish it.

The Zimbabwe Tri-series

When India and Sri Lanka landed in Zimbabwe, they were told that they had only come to put themselves on display while the Zimbabwean cricketers do some job shadowing. You know, so they can build their skills and put it in their resumes for the other cricket nations to review and decide whether they want to play against them. Except, the Indians and Lankans were so bad at their own profession that the Zimbabweans decided to stop the shadowing and do their work for them. And what a fine job they did! 

I don't care if both the teams are missing key players and Dilshan is captaining Sri Lanka. Even an Indian or Sri Lankan second stream team should be able to beat Zimbabwe. Simply because no matter how inadequate the development phase of cricket is in these two countries, they can't be worse than the politicially motivated Zimbabwe. Yet, Zimbabwe have managed to produce players that can whoop Sri Lankan and Indian ass. Comfortably too.

Also, how about the fact that neither India nor Sri Lanka have sent their second strings to Zimbabwe? They just sent experimental teams, without their stars. And most of those lab rats have played in the first XI. I don't know how to exactly describe them. Err...oh yes! India and Sri Lanka after the retirement of Tendulkar, Sehwag, Sangakara and Mahela! Big, bright future boys!

I also don't care if this is only Zimbabwe and nobody is watching. Here's why: will this go down to the records? Yes it will. Will everybody know that India got knocked out by Zimbabwe in a tri-series? Yes they will. Will the Zimbabweans celebrate like mad and consider this a succesful tour (specially if they win today)? Yes they will. Will there be a trophy involved? Yes there will. So guess what? IT MATTERS. Even if you were involved in a tri-series with Afghanistan it matters.

They are putting their all in it. Why the fuck won't you? Oh, because you are India and Sri Lanka. You have been doing is for a while now. God forbid you should take a tri-series in Zimbabwe seriously. You have ICC rankings for fuck's sakes

I don't know about you but I can't wait for the final game today. Of course, now that I have written about Zimbabwe there is a 99.99% chance that they will lose.

Things that make me cry

1) This thing with its tongue sticking out, getting one of my favourite assassin's wicket. Looks like he stuck out his tongue and swallowed Dilshan's mojo, like a frog.

2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.

3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?

4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!

5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.

I don't like either of these teams.

Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!

WI vs Aus

Again! Weren't Gayle and co. JUST there?

This is apparently the ODI series that they couldn't play after the test because Pakistan needed to come and intervene. I am very interested to know where the Windies were all these days. Ricky's basement, up Twatto ass, Pup's twitter account are some possible options.

Sri Lanka only tour India and Bangladesh, Zimbabwe tour whatever country clears them at security check and Pakistan visits those countries they think they can convince to come over to their land. It never happens, and inevitably Dubai or England "generously" offer their ground.

I am so bored. Haul Sri Lanka's ass over to Ozland. Or take the Aussies to Zimbabwe. Even better will be flying the Saffers to Afghanistan next.

C'mon ICC! Shake it up a notch. Take some risks. Give Ireland a test status! And some free alcohol to cricket lovers everywhere. Just because.

Bangladesh bowling

Bangladesh is probably the only international team in cricket right now that can't bowl their fast bowlers a full ten overs. And not just because they lose the game way before the 50 overs are done, but because Shakib and sometimes another spinner bowls 10.

Fine and dandy. The quickies get whacked, Shakib goes to slow shit down. The difference? The other team wins with a minimum 15 balls remaining instead of the average 507.

To be fair, they won the toss only once and elected to bat first like idiots. So we can't really say if the bowling is just that horrible or it's the dew that's deciding the game.

Again, fine and dandy. Doesn't change the fact that we don't have a wicket-taking bowler.

Shakib can't do it all.
The batsmen can't keep on scoring well and then watch their hard work go down the drain.
Then of course there are the days when both Shakib and the batsmen sleep through the whole game.

In all three types of matches, we don't have a single wicket taking bowler. I miss Mortaza so much I wish I could watch him bowl during the death overs.

And my posts on Bangladesh are getting as repetitive as their result.

Also, India is playing Sri Lanka. Again.

I think these two teams are caught in a bizarre cycle formed by the combined efforts of Yuvraj and Kandambi's bellies. Not a very nice place to be in, is it boys?

Get out already. Before you kill us all.

Over at Bangladesh...

Sri Lanka finally got to play the last ODI at Kotla that they had to abandon because Sanga is a whiny baby. They won. The same result that they would have achieved in India had the grand design of BCCI, DDCA and the groundsmen not made the pitch so difficult on their soft, fully gaurded bodies.

Strangely, this Lankan team did not have Dilshan the Destroyer or Sanath the Aged. It had Samaraweera instead, who decided to go all Dilshan on Indian bowlers. It also had the dear Kandambi who is the only fat cricketer I like, after Arjuna Ranatunga. But dear Kandambi continues to pursue his dreams to be the lowest run scorer in all matches.

Or maybe his fatness prevents him from scoring anymore. Either way, his belly has somewhat of a likeability factor. I can't put my finger on it...or around it for that matter. But when I do, I will tell you what it is.

India's seven bowlers picked up an astonishing five wickets. Three of them went to Durbhajan Singh (copyright Raj).

If Durby's getting wickets, the dew must be fucking with this game right?

Over at Saffaland, something awesome has happened. Will post about it at night. Must look up every synonym for "gloat".

Oh Bangladesh!

Sixty-five for nothing, they were. In the thirteenth over too. Smashing, hooking, cutting, driving- Tamim and Imrul did it all. Uda was as stunned as we were when we first heard his name.

Then the brain explosions started happening. Shockingly, Shakib was a part of the brain explosion, and Ashraful was not! He is the reason we got to 260 actually, along with Mushfiq's cameo and Mahmudullah's knock. I swear Mushfiq is the tiniest thing to ever hold a bat. Whenever he hits a four, I am always on the edge of my seat because I am sure that he will fly to the boundary with the ball. But he never does, bless his tiny structure.

Right, so 260 wasn't ideal with the start they got, but it was marginally defendable right? Even with Bangladesh.

Wrong. The other team has Dilshan. And with him even 400 is not a defendable total. Add our fast bowlers to that and one over from Ashraful (Shakib, my love...HE CAN'T BOWL) and it's a comfortable victory.

Fucking Dilshan, making my life miserable. Do it against other teams honey, otherwise I may have to injure you.

On second thought, maybe I will injure you...

Beware Sri Lanka

You are taking on the most successful Bdesh team tomorrow, after all. According to this article on Crapinfo, the BD boys won 14 of their 19 ODI's this year. Mostly against crappy Windies and Zimbabwe teams yes, but the Lankans were full strength.

I am not going to be too excited because with my countrymen it doesn't mean much. They are brain explosion specialists and has yet to carry their success on from series to series. But hey, at least we didn't lost 6-1, crash out of a semi final or lose against a depleted bowling attack.

Let's not upset that record tomorrow children.

(Thanks for sending the article in Adi)

Ten things- this year

Ten unexpected things that happened in Cricket this year:

1. Aussies started liking Graeme Smith.
2. Andrew McDonald got selected for tests.
3. Netherlands won an international game against Stuart Broad.
4. Pakistan played in tests...and won one!
5. Chris Gayle gave us glimpses of his captaincy brain in a Test, of all things.
6. Bangladesh won four whole series.
7. My Herschelle's team won the IPL.
8. Sanath kept on going and did not break down.
9. Zimbabwe came back with a team (the lost part was expected)
10. India crashed out in the second round of a T20 World Cup.

Ten expected things that happened in Cricket this year:

1. Australia lost the Ashes in England.
2. South Africa crashed out of a ICC semi-final.
3. There was a problem with an Indian pitch.
4. Roy got sacked.
5. Daniel Vettori did it all.
6. Sri Lanka remained a yo-yo team.
7. Flintoff picked up an injury.
8. Chris Broad pissed us off.
9. Pakistan accused someone of match-fixing.
10. Tony Greig bored us to death.

Not an exhaustive list, but at least some of that took us by surprise. And the rest just reinstated our faith in the saying that some things never change.

Mind reader

I was going to do a post on the Delhi pitch and the stupidity of the whole situation. But then I came across this article:

Bring on the lousy pitches by Jrod.

It's pretty much everything I would have said with a whole bunch of 'fucking cowards' included. Maybe I'll just add it here to sum up.

Fucking cowards.

Go read it.

Where is Dilshan from?

Clearly a planet where anything less than a century is considered a disgrace. And anything just a runs above a century is considered an okay effort. Just okay. Not fabulous. Soon, anything less than 150 will become atrocious in this place. I suspect Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar are the fathers of this planet and Brian Lara is the 'Wise One' sitting in a corner, smoking a pipe and throwing stray cats at children. And obviously the planet is incomplete without it's troubled child, my Herschelle pre-2005.

What happened today was simply delicious. Zaheer getting the late wickets, a suprising Harbajan run out (he was possessed) and Matthews leading the fightback. Why Kandambi didn't last till the end I don't know. I can tell you that he meant to though. He really did. Please forgive him. After I have punished him of course.

But honestly, Dilshan is a freak of nature and Sri Lanka should do more to support him. Like not have a brain freeze on the days he doesn't perform.

Speaking of brain freeze, Ricky had one when he decided not to enforce the follow on. Or maybe he just wanted to let Watto get to that elusive hundred. Didn't work out too well for ya, eh Ricky?

The delicious event in that match was Kemar Roach getting Punter's wicket.

Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

Bizzare things

- Kumar Sangakkara having a strike rate of 209.30
- 825 runs being scored in an ODI like the balls were coming from machines, rather than actually being bowled
-Harbajan having an economic rate of 5.80 with two wickets on a pitch that didn't assist bowlers
-Bowlers continuing to bowl like cricket actually gives a shit about their hard work

Why is it that people had such a problem when endless runs are being scored in Tests, but in ODI's it becomes entertainment? I have a problem with both. Sehwag and Dilshan were mindblowing, but somewhere, someone must have pity on the bowlers.

Are the legacies of Marshall, Donald, Akram, McGrath etc. dying?

Maybe.

Meaning of Uda's Name

Someone asked me this and I had no idea. So I thought I'd turn to my best friend google to find out what each of Welegedara's name means. I wasn't that successful (second time Google has failed me...) but this is better than nothing.

Uda= Up and Udha= To blow. So really, it's to blow up
Walawwe= Mischevious stuff
Mahim= Someone who is great
Bandaralage= A monkey that is needed
Chanaka= Nuisance 
Asanga= To shake
Welegedara= Broken down in two parts, 'wele' is something to do with adult movies and 'gedara' means home

I had to go through three different languages to decipher this and some of the meanings are actually for words that sound similar to his names. But there you have it.

He is a mischevious boy, destined for greatness, who can be a bit of a nuisance as he likes to blow up wickets and shake things. His alter ego is a much needed monkey who feels at home when things around him have to do with adult movies.

I don't know what this means.

Thank you Australian Press

"Have the West Indies really sent their full-strength team to Australia? Surely the real team must be still on strike, because if this is the best the combined might of the Caribbean can muster, then Test cricket is in terminal decline"
- The Australian

"The series should be cancelled and all tickets refunded"
-Brisbane Courier-Mail

Today showed test match cricket is alive and well. There's also a lot of life left in the West Indies why so many people were writing off as a test playing nation. We weren't able to get on top of them today and they deserve their lead going into day four tomorrow. This test will go right down to the line.
-Ricky Ponting, after day three

Don't know if that statement from Ricky was PR work or he actually meant it. Regardless, the negativity of the Australian Press is fucking annoying. When Australia lose, they obsess over the demise of their team. I get it. Australia used to be in a different stratosphere once upon a time and now they look very much beatable. It's a hard pill to swallow for sports-loving Australians. But fuck, at least obsess over their wins when it does happen!

We all know West Indies is in a sorry state and they have a douche bag for a captain. But going as far as "series should be cancelled and all tickets refunded" over one test? Who the fuck do you think you are? India (another cricket loving nation) also won their second test against Sri Lanka by an innings. And the first test was a pathetic to watch. Did you see anyone talking about cancelling that? Instead they celebrated the win. How very strange of them!

Anyway, now that Benn has orchestrated a brilliant Australian collapse and the Windies are 39 runs ahead, I'm guessing they have gone back to talking about the 'end of Australian cricket'. What a waste of paper!

Go here to read Tony Cozier's thoughts on the issue.

The Sreesanth Test

I wasn't too excited to write about this one, specially because Sri Lanka lost and India, if they win the next one, becomes number one in tests. That is till the Saffers take on England of course. But still, number one for a few days is still number one.

Me supporting Sri Lanka also doesn't mean I wanted them to take the series because then they too would have overthrown the Saffers. So I guess as long as they win the next test and the series is a draw, I am fine with India taking this one.

I am also fine with India taking this one because of Sreesanth. Really, I didn't know he was such a good bowler, with all the drama that usually surrounds him. I watched a little bit of the highlights (as my life is getting in the way of watching cricket at the moment), and I have to say the guy bowled well. He seems to have learnt that sometimes, the best way to get on the news is actually play cricket. Even then, a quick look at some of the blogs will tell you that people are patiently waiting for him to open his mouth and say something so incredibly obnoxious that they can go back to making fun of him.

The price of being a bad celebrity.

Anyway, till then he was brilliant and he deserves a round of applause. As does India...and me for resisting the temptation to say something about how Sri Lanka performed. See, I didn't even use a negative term in that sentence. *clap clap*

It's raining tests

Sri Lanka vs India
New Zealand vs Pakistan
Australia vs West Indies

None of them are going to be rained off, at least it seems like that till now. And all of them will possibly reach the fifth day.

Sri Lanka vs India had an awful, batsman-dominated first day. But then somebody did some hocus pocus on the pitch...and SREESANTH of all people started picking up wickets. Regardless it's worth watching now. Specially if Sri Lanka can stage a fightback.

Pakistan vs New Zealand was always interesting. And now that Shane Bond has been reborn as a test bowler and Dan can actually breathe even when he is not getting wickets, it's getting better. Not to mention some brother act from the two Akmals. And a Kiwi win? I hope.

You would think Australia vs West Indies would be a one-sided affair, with batting records being broken left and right when the Aussies came to bat. But the West Indies bowlers are doing well...and as I write this Mussey is gone, after tricking us into believing that his test career has been successfully resuscitated. Plus that match has Kemar Roach, who is my new obsession.

So which one are you watching? Or are you one of those who have convinced yourself that test cricket is dead?

Me, I'm waiting for the Saffers to play their first match as the number one test team in the world. But while I wait, I am switching between channels and keeping an eye on Cricinfo to indulge in my favourite form of the game.

This is the part where I announce that it is officially Cricket season.

Ideal Test Day

As Sri Lanka and India pile on runs after runs, I can't help but be more interested in the Kiwi vs Pak game. Note, the Indians scoring in abundance today has more to do with the Lankans and their ineffective bowling, but nevertheless, there is nothing great about teams reaching three-four hundred on Day 1. It is expected, i.e. boring. Specially when the first test made zombies wish they had never come alive.

So I prefer to focus on the other game. Reasons:

1. The match started with a yorker from a seventeen year old that resulted in a wicket. That seventeen year old is becoming my favourite player to watch. Considering his country has produced Wasim Akram, his talent is not surprising. But it is worrying that his country has also produced Shoaib Akhtar, whose sole focus since god knows when has been to entertain off the field rather than on it. I honestly don't want Aamer to waste his talent on acquiring gential warts but if Shoaib decides to mend his ways, it may have to happen...to carry on Shoaib's legacy.

2. After two wickets, there was a Kiwi fightback. Ross Taylor did extremely well to get his team back on track and then fell six runs short of his century. Talk about prime time drama.

3. Pakistan picked up six wickets. None of them went to Umar Gul. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

4. The day ended with yet another Kiwi fightback. This could become a Spartan war. Unfortunately without 300 abs.

5. Daniel Vettori is at the crease and should be getting a 50. Baz is also there, but I am blissfully ignoring him.

Let's take a picture of this day and fax it to India.