Warning: Jacques Kallis adulation post

"We choked them", said Jayasuriya, after the Boxing day test. Of course whenever SA loses, no matter in what manner, it's always choking. 252 runs- choking, 10 wickets-choking, loss because of massive failure in all departments- choking.

So Kallis, who got a stunning pair in that test, turned around. It was his 150th test and you know Kallis has that annoying habit? What is it? Yeah, he is so god damn good that he just turns milestones into other milestones.

The man who chased a double ton for so long, now has two. In a do or die match as well. That registered SA's first win at home since 2008. Yes, it's been a long time and thank god it has ended.

I would have been fucking embarrassed had SL drawn or won against SA at home. SL are lovely, but they have been playing in the subcontinent and going only next door for eons. Don't give me stats, I don't want to hear it. SA should have won this from the start and I'm so glad they did. They should have won the Boxing Day test match too, but we won't mention it.

They now move on to New Zealand, another lovely team. I love them with all their sheep, but let's face it- SA WILL KILL THEM. Yes, they must. It's time SA, it's time to be ruthless hounds.

Vettori is handsome and charming and a fantastic cricketer- but HE MUST BE ANNIHILATED. Chris Martin is too good but what is his empty skull next to Kallis' luscious hair? And all that lovely cricket brain.

Oh Jacques and his lovely cricket brain! I'm so at ease with the rest of the season now that Kallis has had a mammoth start. This will continue; yes this will, for wins in Kiwiland and more importantly ENGLAND. Jacques hasn't peaked, he never peaks. He just stays on top in all his glory. Even when he gets a pair he breaks records soon after. No time to think about his failures, the man is too busy being great. And when Jacques is great, he inspires the rest (for the most part). Poor Graeme though, he comes before Jacques in the batting lineup so he never gets any of his inspirations. But who cares? We got AB, Hash, Alviro (yes Alviro, you can do this!), Bouch and even DALE after JK.

Choke on that bitches.

It didn't go well boys

I woke up and had a heart attack because SA were 11/2. Well, it wasn't that great of a heart attack because one of the men gone were Graeme Smith. I don't like him. Specially when he decides to drag the ball onto his own stumps.

Playing for the Aussies are we Smithy?
(Please get Majeed on the phone)

Anyway, that aside, it was a disaster. Darling Duminy tried his best and god some of his shots were beautiful. But hey, guess what...Aussies can bowl! Who the fuck is this Cummins and why, oh why does he have that haircut?
Most importantly, how did the Aussies find a T20 bowler that is neither Dougie, Binga nor Nannes?

And who the hell did SA have? Rusty...and the rest had names but they were all in fact...rusty. As in out of practice. Yeah I know, I am rusty too.

But who gives a shit? SA lost. And they actually lost quite pathetically. Dropped catches (three: Graeme-WHO HAS FAT HOOVES FOR HANDS, Botha, BOTHA AGAIN), missed runs outs, inability to stop easy singles, shitty bowling.

Should I go on? It doesn't even sound like the South African team I know.

Stop going on vacation guys, enough is enough! And do not feed me that, this is only T20 shit. It's a game against Australia. THIS SHALL NOT BE TAKEN LIGHTLY!

Hash didn't impress either. But it's okay, because I like him.

I'm such a fool.

P.s: Where is my son?

Thank you finger injury

So far life is sweet. AB the injured has been replaced by Hashim the bearded as captain. Good call Hudson, good call.

Of course it is pure coincidence. Believe me, for once, I had nothing to do with AB's injury. I thought about it once or twice, but even my powers aren't that great...yet.

Just in case you weren't following the news (shame on me for not keeping you up to date), following the glorious stepping down of Graeme the buffalo as ODI and T20 captain, AB was named as his replacement. Based on what? Does AB inspire his team-mates? Does he understand field placing? Does it even look like he understands anything other than batting and maybe wicket-keeping. Just maybe.

He is not that experienced. Neither is Amla for that matter. At least not internationally. But I would say of the two Amla is a better choice. Just for a second forget about the fact that Amla has skippered his local teams and the Proteas U19. Look at them as individuals.

Amla hangs back. He is quiet. He absorbs so much most people dismiss him as a negligible entity. Then he strikes.
AB jumps around. He talks too much. He always has to be the centre of attention. The star. The one everyone is sure to notice first and bank on.

This is not to say that only a certain type of individuals make good captains. Fleming and Vettori were the stars of their teams and they did just fine. More than fine. However, when you are more the "backroom guy" as Amla claims to be, most likely, you have a certain introspective capability that will propel your team to be the star. Specially when that team consists of a Steyn, a Kallis, a Duminy, a Smith (now, now, let's show him some love for his batting abilities), a Boucher (YAY!) and a Parnell.

Not a bad list of players to have under your belt.

Yes, Amla is a better choice. Because sometimes, the backroom guy is exactly what a team with great potential (and one measly international trophy...) needs. Someone who pulls the strings quietly and makes great things happen. No flamboyance and no singing.  

What a break does to you

Pictures courtesy of Cricket South Africa:

Can't...run..too..much..beer

Methinks a liposuction is in order 

You are a friggin' FAST BOWLER!

Err, missed him much Hash?

See, I wasn't completely on crack when I insisted that they should play ALL THE TIME! 

And yes Maky is back. As is Justin Kemp. At least for the training.

T3D2: I think oh dear isn't too dramatic

No, it's not too dramatic at all. They recovered, lost wickets, recovered and lost wickets again. Benn is being friggin' awesome and in case you haven't realized this yet, the Saffers WILL be batting last.

Why Hashim Amla is feeling the urge to be generous to spinners is beyond me. And fuck, if Paul Harris comes down as nightwatchman one more time, I am going to scream! Sure he survives the night, but then he gives his wicket promptly away the next day, like his bloody job is done. How about batting a little Paul? And if you can't, how about NOT sending him out for like half an hour the night before so he can leave on time for his ritualistic nap after breakfast. I mean what the fuck! Jacques Kallis and AB de Villiers are good enough to survive the night and bat for longer the next day. And If you absolutely HAVE to sacrifice somebody send Ashy P! Even though he is a Saffa and not Graeme Smith, I strangely have very little affection for him.

He did do well today though, him and his pal AB. The Saffers are still 6 down, with a lead of only 54. They need to make about 350 more methinks which means Bouchy and Ashy will both have to get hundreds. Or Dale will have to muster up another 86 if Ashy P decides that yet again, a fifty is all he needs to prove his worth as a batsman. With Benn determined to have his claws dug into the Saffers and the pitch turning and bouncing, I don't think that will be happening.

I don't understand why Cricinfo thinks the Saffers have edged ahead. Somebody please explain.

T2D1: Let's keep you interested

Game 1: Take the Windies bowling attack and stuff them all in a box. Make sure they are packed tightly. Then go eat something. After walk around and stumble upon the box like you didn't expect it to be there. Look around nervously, approach it cautiously and then open it bravely. All the bowlers will spring out and hopefully surprise you. If they succeed, it will be the only time the Windies bowlers have had any tricks up their sleeves. If not, pack them in tighter.

Game 2: Count how many strands of hair Hashim Amla has in his beard. Oh wait, you don't have enough time because the only Saffa to stand tall to Indian spinners in India is all of a sudden struggling against some Shane Shillingford. Hashim honey, this ain't the original Shane. He is much fatter and cheated on his wife. So buck up and own the bastard. This is the easiest batting practice you are going to get during an actual match anyway.

Game 3: Conceptualize a support group for Gordon Greenidge, Viv Richards, Walsh, Ambrose, Lara...basically any West Indian that has the misfortune of calling themselves the past of this team. Please include heavy drinking and lots of abuse in the agenda. (Note: that guy screaming from the sidelines during the games will come handy when deciding on the abuses)

Game 4: Congratulate Graeme Smith on making 70000 runs. Here's the hard part, to win in this game you will have to convince Biffy to remain in the team as a batsman and a batsman only.

T1D1: Behind the scenes

As it poured like a bitch outside, here's what happened inside. Benn and Gayle got along.

It wasn't easy. Gayle had just lost yet another toss to Graeme Smith and Benn was still pissed from being ejected off the ground in the fourth ODI. There was tension. Gayle put on this shades and pretended to not look at Benn while sizing him up and down. Benn stared blatantly. He didn't need no shades, his powers were in his eyes.

At one point Gayle opened his mouth and said, "We gotta get along meaning you gotta fucking do what I tell you to, and get me wickets".

To which Benn replied, "Remember Brad Haddin? I'll smash you to his height if you fucking ask me to leave the ground again".

Gayle: "You do realize I have a super duper chest?"

Benn: "You do realize I am your key bowler?"

Gayle: "How?"

Benn: "We are playing the Saffers and I am the spinner".

Gayle thought for a moment. Then out of nowhere, he flung himself at Benn and started punching him. Benn was not to be taken down so easily though. He fought back, kicking Gayle face repeatedly with his long legs. It did little to bring Gayle down but Benn didn't give in. Chairs flung everywhere, windows were smashed, it was utter chaos.

(In the dressing room next door the Saffers engaged in a meditation hour lead by Jacques Kallis and Hashim Amla, meaning they were essentially asleep in a yoga pose).

Then the umpires signalled for game time and Benn and Gayle had to stop. No one had won. But they were playing the Saffers and Benn was the spinner. Shane Shillingford was also a spinner but who could trust some player with such an un-West Indian like name. So they shook hands and decided to get along.

Eventually there was some cricket and Shane Shillingford struck, twice. But it didn't matter because Benn too had gotten a wicket, a crucial wicket.

Chris Gayle curved half his face into a smile.

Give the win to West Indies

The Saffers batte(d) brilli(a)ntly, the(r)e is no doubt about that. The top o(r)d(e)r is fi(n)ally making me smile again.

Although, Ha(s)h's brilli(a)nt batting (m)akes (m)e want to punch the selectors in the face, I am going to put a restraining order on m(y)self. I am just happy that they are winning.

(D)(a)ve Mille(r) (r)(e)mi(n)d(s) me of (a) young AB, although let's not ju(m)p on that bandwagon yet. It's only his first series. I a(m) slightl(y) concerne(d) however, (a)bout what this means for Albie. If Alvi(r)o and Dave a(r)(e) firi(n)g it up, I fear Albie is going to be left out of the squad. Yet, I still have high hopes for that man.

JP ha(s) fin(a)lly been dropped, (m)uch to (m)(y) joy. Shut up, he needs it.

I am mo(d)er(a)tely satisfied with the bowling. They a(r)e bowling innume(r)ous wid(e)s. Maybe the heat is making them halluci(n)ate, maybe I am ju(s)t missing the bigger picture, m(a)ybe I a(m) being too picky. Actually fuck that. Fro(m) two matches, the(y) have 18 wi(d)es comp(a)(r)ed to West Indies' 12. That's an a(r)(e)a of concer(n). Lop(s)y is (a)lso an area of concern. Honey, when you are co(m)peting with Wayne Parnell and Ryan McLaren, I would say what you are doing in this series is (m)aking sure (y)ou never get picke(d), ever (a)gain. Thankfully, Johan Botha in the othe(r) end is b(r)inging a lot of joy in my life. Saff(e)rs may have a spi(n)ner...I can hardly believe it! No, I won't believe it till you come smack me. Easy now, you will have to fly to Canada first.

I can happily overlook the fielding mishap(s) bec(a)use (m)ost of the(m) were made by m(y) favourite Buffalo. Who cares about misfiel(d)s when you c(a)n happily make jokes and stick it into his big chin. I have also just (r)ealized that he can loose as much weight as he wants, his head will (r)(e)mai(n) gigantic. Meaning, more ammo for me. Life is indeed very good and shallow.

But ye(s), despite (a)ll this, let West Indies have this win. Not because that will (m)ake this series interesting and not because SA played a(m)azingly well and then nearl(y) lost it. But because of the man who hit (D)(a)le Steyn fo(r) two consecutive sixes and became a beacon of hope in this so(r)ry ass W(e)st India(n) team. The only man in maroon to believe.

I found it only fitting to put his name all over this post. 

First ODI

It's too late to do a post on the test now. Amla was more than great, Morne and Parny did their best, Ashy P played a stupid shot that opened the door for India and the Saffers should have drawn this one and taken the series. That's all you need to know really.

Strangely, the same shit has happened in the first ODI. South Africa has become a one man team; the rest are all in hibernation or handy tail-enders that can only take them close, but not win the match. However, I will look at the positives because everybody needs a change of direction at one point...specially South Africa.

1) Three run outs: I am not suprised. This is what happens when my Herschelle is on the field. How else do you explain the difference between Saffa fielding in the second test and today's ODI?

2) Dale Steyn's batting: Everytime I willed a six, he did it. Meaning, the positive is really my ability to control Dale's mind but we will let him think it was the dog.

3) Parny's batting: We will ignore the fact that he got run out in a painful fashion off the last ball of the game, reopening some very badly stitched wounds from a certain game about eleven years ago. Why? Because Parnell didn't bat at number 10 and he didn't forget to run...he hesitated. Feck!

4) My Herschelle's batting: Okay, it wasn't that great. But the six and the fours were very good previews of what is to come if he plays some more. Plus, he seems to have lost more weight and is looking very much like the Hersch of 2005. Sometimes, appearances mean everything.

5) No Biff: Very pleasant on the eyes.

6) Albie is back: and still petrifyingly ordinary at bowling. It's a positive because maybe someone will finally smack him in the face and tell him to focus on his batting.

7) They didn't choke: I thought about this one long and hard and I have come to the conclusion that they didn't. Parny and Steynkie looked very much like they were going to win this for the Saffers. It really took a very well directed slow ball from Kumar to end Steyn's onslaught. Even after, Charl and Parny looked relaxed. Something about their body language says 'fighter' not 'worried...cough, cough..gag'. The good news is Parny is the new generation and brave. So as long as 'choking' is not a required course in the South African cricket schools, we are good.

8) Charl's short ball: It seems to surprise the batsman everytime. I bet he could bowl six in a row and give the batsman six heart attacks. It's really quite strange. Something tells me the ball wears a 'I'm not a short ball' tag in the front and a 'You are a fool' tag at the back. Quite tricky to spot in a round ball.

And they still managed to lose...

Save JP

His batting is in dire straits.

Not surprising. Players may make fantastic debuts, then they falter. Their technical flaws are exposed, their inexperience slaps them in the face and sends them back to the pavilion. On top of that, they have all these added burden of being worth $950,000 and meeting people's expectations as a player to watch out for. You can't judge a player's greatness by one season. It's illogical. Yes, Ian Chappell, that was a response to you.

I am also guilty of having high expectations from the little man. I enrolled him in my sweet-faced assassin group and said this was the year of JP.

Since then, he has made fleeting appearances on the field. His okay bowling against England saved his test spot. But JP, you ain't a bowler, you are a god damn batsman.

We also thought he was an awesome fielder. To duly prove us wrong, the little man dropped Sehwag at the slips yesterday. Sehwag went on to make 165. Okay, so he isn't a slip fielder. But he does have great reflexes right? That drop was just a disconnect between brain and limbs.

I am extremely disappointed in him. Or I can just blame the Buffalo for putting him in the slips in the first place. But I won't, as tempting as that is. JP's batting woes is obviously causing him to fuck up everywhere else.

So it's time to save JP, meaning it's time to drop him. It's not a big deal. Every cricketer, no matter how great, needs a kick in the ass at some point. Sending JP back to the nets will shake him up. He will come back stronger. Like Hashim, like Dale, like Morne, like...well pretty much everybody.

Save JP from crumbling beyond repair under the weight of expecations. I need my baby faced assassin back.

Pure trash

That is what I will be for the next one month. Not the kind of rubbish where I am posting regularly and stinking up the blog world. The kind where I am not posting regularly. Sorry, there are things going on right now that I need to focus on and do. Things that will keep me away till about mid-March. But this level of rubbishness will have some sophistication.

I won't be as horrible as Durby's bowling in the first two days. That was just on a different level. Went too straight, too far, too full, too short. Too much of everything. Not surprising, as there is too much of Durbhajan in the Indian team these days. And too much of something is never good. But I don't mind his flat-track ass, as long as he is serving the Saffers.

But I definitely won't be as good as Jakes in the first session of Day 1 where he had a strike rate of about 70 at one point, with two sixes. He was so delicious that I contemplated making a big 200 sign and hanging it from the highest glacier around. But then he decided today was not the day. I don't know when it will be the day. Maybe after he retires, in some friendly match.

The level of rubbishness on this blog will be marginally better than India's fielding. At one point the only thing I heard the commentators say was "If it had hit the wicket, it would have been out". Well, if the Indians had learnt the meaning of direct hit a lot of things would have happened. Like the apocalypse.

But the blog will not be the beauty that is Hashim Amla. Hashim's wrist will one day fetch some auction house millions of dollars. Although I would have been happiest if both he and Jakes had got to the double, I am excited that Hash has gotten his shit together. His power of concentration clearly comes from the vein in his forehead that pops out every now and then to calm him down. It was on the  very edge when he was in 199, as was his wife. Now that's what you call made for each other.

The level of rubbishness will fluctuate between South African openers that are not Graeme Smith and what comes out of the mouths of Ravi Shastri and Sunny Gavaskar. According to that pair, Hashim Amla is a foil for Jakes and WAGS who have no interest in cricket have nothing to do if their boyfriends/husbands are out early. Honey, they are on vacation, they are not here for their men.

Sometimes the blog will do a Paul Harris. But not too much. I couldn't do that you guys. Then sometimes it might do a Dale Steyn, who I have decided is to be referred to as my Dale from now on. But more on that later.

Biff turns 29

Apparently, his Fatness had a birthday on February 1st. I just found out, so I could not have warned you guys in advance of this fateful day. But what would have been the point anyway? It would have been about 29 years too late.

His Fatness celebrated his birthday in India by doing press conferences. Sometime in between the team managed a cake, which he only got to enjoy for about twenty minutes. I suspect that's all it takes for Graeme to inhale anything.

Then his Fatness celebrated his birthday by getting out to the 21st ball of the day. And he made a declaration so late or so early (depending on whether you want test cricket to be saved or watch Hashim break Graeme's record), that we wanted to give him some more birthday presents, wrapped in glittery fists.

Anyway, I really wanted to wish his Fatness a simple Happy Birthday, but the usual crap got in the way. On second thought that's the way he captains. So maybe this is fitting.Not that he will get it.

What did she say...?

Ashy P

Pee on the Ashes was Man-of-the-Match at the MTN40 final for the Warriors. Not by some fluke, he actually scored 128 runs. I would say it's not surprising, considering the only national level bowler I recognize in the opposition is Andrew Hall. But that could just be me and the fact that I don't live in a cricket mad nation. Tragedy of my life, but I'll tell you about that some other time.

This award means he will surely open in India. I am not amused.

He could be back in form or he could just be having a good day. Either way, what does batting for 40 overs in a completely different pitch have anything to do with Tests in India? Saffa interim coach Corrie, who has a very unfortunate name, has pinpointed him as a primary concern. Evidently, he will let Ashy P play where he wants, which means he will probably bat at 5 or 6.

So who will open? Neil McKenzie is no longer available. He has signed with Hampshire as a Kolpak. KP will be very happy that he can speak Afrikaans with someone other than Trotty who probably carries out different rituals before opening his mouth.

So that leaves us with Hash, which is a bad idea. As much I love him, he has a tendency to get out early in difficult conditions. They can't get Alviro Petersen to open in the tests, because that will mean dropping somebody. That somebody will have to be Ashy P, who just scored 128 runs and won the finals for his domestic team. 

My Herschelle will be watching all this on television and shaking his head. I will join him.

T4D2: Walking is work

Can you imagine Biff taking off his helmet and gloves and putting one leg in front of the other all the way from the pitch to the pavilion? So many hours before lunch? No thanks, he would rather stay at the crease and smash the ball everywhere.

It's cheeky I know. Personally, I am of the opinion that batsmen should always walk if they know they knicked it. Except, Biff unluckily got out to a no-ball during his 180 in the third test. This time, luck was on his side. So it kind of balances out. And wouldn't we all haved grabbed this opportunity had it been us? Yes, we would have. Don't pretend otherwise.

Also, putting the spotlight on Biff only takes away from the REAL problem in this series...the atrocious umpiring. There have been one disastersous calls after another, sometimes favouring Saffers, sometimes going the English way. So really, it's the Umpires that need to be hurled through a wall, with Daryl Harper opening the ceremony. Maybe we should let Julia Sidebottom go first, he is very good with the throwing.

Why has Julia replaced Onions? He certainly doesn't bowl better than him, as mediocre as Onions is. I am pretty sure his defense isn't as good as Onions' either, with all that hair crying to be freed from underneath the helmet. Sometimes, I forget that there men who are more stupid than Mickey and Procter when making selections. These are the little things that bring a lot of joy in my life.

Anyway, Hash is at it again. I am liking the fact that he is quietly answering his critics. Now all they have to do is post about 250 runs tomorrow...QUICKLY. Then take wickets. And you, Rain or whoever you are, take some sleeping pills and have a rest. Your bladder must have shrunk to a peanut by now.

Good new is Ashy P surpassed his previous best of 16 in this series by a whooping 3 runs. Oh, what do we have here? A 45 in the first test? Damn! His career is saved. Lucky bastard!

T4D1: Dale, have my babies

I had a dream before tuning into the game today. I dreamt that South Africa won the toss and the Biff-headed individual decided to bat first, leading to a massacre of Saffa batsmen and a flurry of wickets. Little did I know that my subconscious was already watching the game and feeding me all sorts of wrong information. I think my subconscious may be English...BLASMEPHY!

Anyway, so if you don't want to have Dale's babies after that performance, you are demented...or think Stuart Broad is a bowler. The wicket I enjoyed the most was that of Andrew fucking Strauss. I also briefly contemplated having Amla's children after that catch, but the guy is married. So I will let him be.

Heartbreaker Morne got three, two of which were leg-before. Although one of them was probably a no ball. Barbie was 'astonished' and I think KP called the umpire an asshole. Daryl Harper's family better start saying a prayer for him, he might not be returning home from this tour.

Ryan McLaren replaced Paul Harris. Not a bad idea, but can Ryan McLaren bat? 'Cause Harro can you know...in his own awkward, "I always have a strange smile on my face" way.

Wayne also made his debut and was crap. Had he and Ryan not bowled, the Poms would have been out much sooner. But I grudgingly forgive them because they are debutants after all. However, here is a little something for them to 'grow' in the second innings: "Stick to the basics fuckers, the rest will happen on its own. Have you not watched the Poms bat?"

Prior, KP and Barbie have inspired many shitty kids who now believe they can be selected for the national team despite batting like a bunch of Under12s. Wait, I'm missing one. Oh yes! Fighter Colly Buttniggle. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.

At this point, I must share with you a line I read somewhere (can't remember where) after the first test. "England only collapse once in every series. This was it and South Africa have failed to capitilize on it". So evidently, what we saw today and in the third test was not a collapse. It's just the English batsmen politely thanking the Saffers for their hospitability over the past few months. How very proper of them!

I am seriously happy with this day. No, the world is not ending. Dale Steyn on top form always gets that reaction from me. I want to share with you my happiness, hence this special picture:

His smile is as horrifying as my happy face...

Of course Ashy P and his high score of 15 are still at the crease and this is a bowling pitch. So tomorrow all this may change. Unless Pee on the Ashes survives Jimmy like he did today.

T3D3: National Buffalo Day

The bufflaloes of the world are mooing in concert to acknowledge their Grand Master's impressive performance. Or maybe they are snorting. I don't know what noise buffaloes make.
Whatever it is, I can assure you it is loud and at par with the sounds I made when I checked the score in the morning. It's something like 'WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'.

A bit premature of course. Even a few days ago I would have said that the Saffers WILL win this, but England are draw specialists. And really fucking annoying. But we will worry about that later because poor Biff deserves some recognition.

I must admit I didn't watch their batting after the first 30 runs. I saw Morne thank me by taking the fifer. He not only thanked me, he tried to give me the gift of a hattrick as well. I refused. Greed is a sin people.

But castrating the Pom bowling opens up all sorts of doors and at least one of them leads to heaven. Or so AB tells me. So Biff will certainly go to heaven as he has fucked up the Poms in more than one ways. I have yet to watch in how many ways (the highlights aren't up yet), but maybe I'll get to watch Part II today. Yes Fatboy, I am backing you to get a 200 today. But what I am not doing is proposing to you, as per my friend's suggestion. We would make a very violent couple anyway. Me with the hands, you with the mouth.

Illegal Hash went out on 95. How come no one makes fun of him?

Overall it was a really good day. You know how I know? Even Ashy P made fifteen runs. Btw, what the fuck was up with Daryl Harper? SA had to waste a review on an utterly nonsensical decision. That pissed me off so bad! Wake the fuck up bastard! Not that it would help, because you are just a piece of shit!

That was my only angry moment in the post. Sad no? Just like Barbie's pathetic attempts to 'tamper' with the ball.

T3D1: Dictionary of Saffa batsmen

Graeme Smith: Extremely lucky till he goes to lunch and inhales everybody's share of the food. Today, he ate Jimmy's dessert. Jimmy stuffed his locker with bitter lemon ice cream and sent him back to stuff his face some more. (Graeme didn't eat it as it was fat-free).

Ashwell Prince: Epic cockhead who likes to sit in the dressing room and watch the game for the first two days. Likes to act shocked upon losing his wicket. He's only fooling Procter, no one else.


Hashim Amla: Tries to get in a couple of fours and good shots before inevitably falling leg before to the same bowler he smashed. Hash is a kind and loving individual who can't bear to watch other people in misery. Needs to be sent to boot camp to learn how to translate his skills into utter destruction of bowling attacks that have Barbie.

Jacques Kallis: (Needs a couple of volumes to be described accurately) Targetted to be Jimmy's bunny. Jimmy even bought a pink rabbit suit for him, but Jakes prefers to reply with centuries. Just don't be wooed by Jimmy tomorrow okay Jaksey?

AB de Villiers: Biff's understudy. Might be secretly in love with Biff's shockingly bad shots. Needs to get over himself and not make mistakes that cost him his wicket at crucial times. That's thrice in three tests now shithead.

JP Duminy: Gave Swannyg66 two wickets in two balls. Got my hopes up in the beginning of the season and then went on to become South Africa's Ian Bell. If he had hair, I would have shaved it off. What the hell, I'll shave his head anyway. 

Mark Boucher: Thankfully, Jakes' understudy. Saving Saffers with his best friend since the beginning of time. Is shockingly still single, even after hitting Swann for three consecutive fours. Girls in Saffaland have bad taste I tell you.

Dale Steyn: Has found his new calling. Will open the batting for South Africa by the end of the year surely.

Kevin Pietersen: Rejected, hated and ridiculed but still has his heart set in Saffaland. Misfielded duly to let Bouch have his fifty and picked up the ball to bowl short and allow his lover to get a hundred. Looked away from the camera to hide his glee while clapping for Jakes. Still rejected, hated and ridiculed.

T1D5: Onions make me cry

First of all sorry about the lateness of this. I had a busy day...not because I was crying. Just had things to do.

Anyway, FUCKIN' HELL! When the first two wickets fell I was getting ready for a full blown collapse and happily pranced about the room wishing for an early end so I could go to sleep. Then fucking KP and fucking Trott came to the crease and decided they were Hashim Amla and AB de Villiers. They could be long lost brothers of course with Trott and Amla both being bald while AB and KP...well they are the initial brothers.

I honestly thought at one point England was going to win this. Nothing and I repeat NOTHING the bowlers did worked. Even poor Jakes had to bowl a few overs. I dozed off and woke up from time to time to check the number of wickets and it would not budge from three. Then just when I was thinking of punching KP through the television it happened.

KP saw the people of South Africa beckoning him home and he ran to them like a little girl. Honestly, did you really think KP wanted the century? When he went to tea he realized he didn't want Earl Grey, he wanted Braai. I know because he has been showing much love to the Saffers lately. He called Jakes the best cricketer in the world, he went up to shake Hash's hand after he got that century and then he ran himself out. We also have all those scandalous pictures that I have been putting up. KP is 'home sick'. Right under Vaughan's nose too. What the fuck are you good for Michael if you are not going to be outing your 'traitorous' former team-mates? I'm telling you Michael Vaughan is no fun in shorts.

I was ecstatic as the wickets kept on tumbling. Did you notice AB's stunning catch? He was upset with me for calling his fielding mediocre. And Morne...I was soooo thrilled with him when he got Swann out. It was undoubtedly my favourite moment in the game but goddamnit Morne, WHY DIDN'T YOU BOWL LIKE THIS BEFORE? Friedel did, he did fantastically. I am impressed with the kid. But I get this feeling either Morne or Makhaya is going to be dropped for Durban if Dale comes back. Although the latest news regarding that is Dale is still not willing to give up his off-the-field life. Dumbass!

The review system just doesn't work for Stuart Broad. It has become one of my moments to watch out for in the series. Barbie's dubious brain cells taking on an equally dubious system. How very nice! But what is NOT nice is that fucker called Onions. England's number elevens seems to have mastered their blocking skills. I was so fucking frustrated with the last four overs, I may have broken my couch. Everyone's saying that Saffers got the moral victory but what the fuck is a moral victory really? There is no trophy for 'Oh, you were nearly there!'. Specially for the Saffers, who are ALWAYS nearly there.

But what to do now? I can only take consolation in the fact that in the first innings, it was the Saffers who looked like they were playing for a draw. All that had changed dramatically by the last innings and now England is under considerable pressure. If only Smith will shut up that fact could rattle them on it's own. SHUT UP BIFF! Trott is not slow. It's just Bilal Shafayet's spirit possessing him.

Swannyg66 was the man of the match. Okay fine, he earned it. But he still didn't get a wicket in the second innings while Harris got two. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I am proudly incorrigible.

T1D4: Hash is illegal

And I love it. More than that century, what struck me is that AB and Hash got the innings back on it's feet. Without Jakes, the calming effect. I must confess that the three wickets fell because of me. I stayed up to watch (I only caught the highlights for days 1-3) and it was horrible. When Jakes left, I promptly went to sleep and woke up to find Hash and AB had done brilliantly. So if you were hoping for another fine Jakes innings, I am sorry. I will NEVER watch another live SA game ever.

Now back to the legality of Hash. There is none. He is just full-throttle illegal in your face. He isn't exciting, he still has technical flaws, he isn't always in form but when he scores he is like the tiny fly that you didn't notice till he dropped in your food. By then he has just freakin' ruined everything. Specially when you are left divided between admiring his flawless hitting and taking a shot at him for getting out stupidly. Not to mention his non-fancy yet fully effective fielding. I am very much fond of Hash. He just needs to score runs more frequently. But that will come.

AB-single no more has finally put in a substantial performance. Time to make up for the mediocre fielding. Yes, it has been mediocre so far. Don't pretend it hasn't. On top of that, he is inspiring Ian Bell to take good catches. Cut down on the love spreading a bit AB. You need a mean bone. I should start a school of ultimate meanness. Turn into a raging asshole in 16 days. Think I will get any students?

Anyway, back to the cricket. Bouchie has won me over once again. He has successfully managed to bat in both the innings after so so soooo long, I had forgotten that he had more to him than amazing reflexes and hypnotic eyes. I am glad that he and his buddy Jakes has got the Saffers' back. Now if only they could get their other 'friend' Biff to the party...idiot.

Morne put Barbie in his proper place (which is a mini doll house made of fruity cakes). That awkward four that went high up, dropped in front of the fielder and crossed the boundary- that made my day. It was such a slap in the face! Not that Barbie felt it. He has botox to protect him.

And this has to be mentioned: 27-3-91-0-3.37. Guess whose figures those are? Please say it. SAY IT!

To add cherry on top of well...my LIFE, Straussy has decided to pull a Graeme Smith. And an Ashy P. And a Mascaraman. What a strange tradition upheld by an even stranger compilation of batsmen.I loves it. Sometimes.

As usual I leave you with a final thought: how many fours did the Saffers have to score through the offside region before it occured to Strauss to put protection there? The answer is simply MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I was just looking for a place to put that in.

Missing Links

Wayne Parnell and Morne Morkel. I am ecstatic with their performance. Yes, the batting was excellent as well, but we'll get to the batting later. Because, remember how England started? Dale was concentrating very hard on keeping his disgusting form and Parnie was rusty. Then Morne replaced the chipmunk to show them how it's done, Parnie got a wicket and there was no turning back. Bringing Morne back in the team is the best fucking decision Mickey has made since September. Even Dale realized it, because after consistently throwing bricks he went to the dressing room to sulk, where Albie the other shithead gave him a back massage. At least the two out-of-form morons are united in their shittiness.

Regarding the batting, it's about fucking time the middle order added to the good work the Saffa openers have been doing lately. Speaking of Saffa openers, Hashim Amla continues to surprise me. A lot is being said about other players but no one has mentioned that the man who is known more for his patience than his aggressive style, has done very well to make full use of the first 15 overs. He did take Hersch's spot, but in case you missed the part where the cameras zoomed in and the commentators doted on him shamelessly, Hersch is a happy man. As long as Hersch is happy, I am happy. But it helps that Hash is doing such a fantastic job.

AB de Villiers must be thanked profusely for finally getting a big score when the team needed him to. See, it helps when you are telepathically sending negative thoughts to someone. He wanted to shut the voices up (mostly mine), so he freaking assaulted the bowlers to his heart's content. His batting was so good, I feel like buying his CD. Oh, did I just say that out loud? Okay...but I'm a little busy today. So, maybe I'll just watch the replay on repeat for now.

I found this win extra special because my 'favourite' English bowlers Broad and Swann are back and according to Strauss "did well". Apparently, well in his world is 19 overs, 120 runs and 4 wickets. What an overachiever that Strauss is!

I hope that Graeme Swann continues to be wicketless. That is the lovely thought I am leaving you all with for today.