WI draw first blood

Saffers got a small total, so small that Botha had to come back after retiring hurt. Then Morkel, who is having a friggin' awesome series and still not winning any man of the match awards murdered the Windies along with one eyed Charl. Charl's devotee, one eyed Botha also did well, even after the assault. Now there's a symbol of hope.

West Indies did nothing to try and reach the small total. SA won the series but they will still play the remaining two matches, just for kicks.

Absolutely nothing else happened in this match. Literally.

Sequels always disappoint anyway

Last year, the match between Pakistan and South Africa was one that people were looking forward to. Everybody wanted to know if the Saffers were going to choke or finally make it to the finals of an ICC tournament. If they were going to choke it was going to be good comedy, if not then it was going to be good comedy as well...considering the other team was Pakistan and the events that usually unfold after almost all their tournament exits. Either way, it was a game we were going to enjoy and we knew it.

Saffers lost, people laughed and eventually Pakistan went to win the World Cup. High drama, tension, crazy Afridi moments, unpredictability and even a heroic attempt from Jacques Kallis. All the characteristics of the perfect summer blockbuster.

This year when the sequel inevitably came out, people were at two-minds about it. Neither the Saffers nor the Pakistanis were in form. Both teams were missing the point (the point being winning helps), both teams were being captained by unimaginative, hairy people but both teams were in a do or die situation. Saffers were slightly on top, as winning the match would at least give them a fighting chance regardless of who won the next one. Pakistanis needed to win AND have England win theirs.

Too many ifs, buts and whatevers. Too many players acting like they were auditioning for matches, rather than playing it. Too much green.

But people still hoped for a good match. Some were sure Pakistan was going to own SA again, others thought even a stuttering SA was too good for them. Yet others thought, why try to beat Pakistan when Pakistan can beat themselves?

Pakistan won the toss and batted first, like last time. They even started terribly. Then they consolidated and eventually reached a respectable score. The match was different, yet there was some familiar bits and pieces. Only, Botha didn't bowl like a dodo bird (ROFL replaced him) and Charl played Parnie's role, but better. Overall, the Saffers did more than okay with the ball, despite Umar Akmal trying to fluoroscent his way through the attack.

Then the chasing began and here was the difference between last summer's blockbuster and the sequel. Within the year Saffers had forgotten how to bat, specially their top three. AB replaced Jakes as this summer's hero; he even swore. But then, like every Saffa batsman these days, he got out the minute he started to clear the boundary. To the 'shitscoop' too. At least that's what Dilshan seems to have taught him.

JP got out before someone could blame him for slowing down his team again and the Saffers fell to yet another spinner, only it was Saeed Ajmal. Ultimately they lost and people happily called them chokers despite the fact that they have been doing the exact same thing in limited overs for about seven months now.

Yes, the differences had a familiar tone in this sequel. Hence, the changes didn't work, nobody was super excited and the match was not a blockbuster. Specially if you are a Saffa fan. But then the Kiwi-England match happened and people could happily forget the disappointing sequel.

Now the unpredictable Pakistanis are in the semis and still have a chance to retain their cup. If that happens, then there is sure to be a third part to this story, which will be even worse.

Remember the Matrix Revolutions?

The good, the bad and the mushy

The good:
-Saffers won comprehensively. Also qualifies under "the shocking".
-Saffers found form, specially AB and Albie. Another "the shocking".
-Morne bowled well in a T20 match (man I should just rename this the shocking!)
-Botha coming out of his mourning period since the loss of his doosra and bending his elbows in new and legal ways to deceive the Sumo himself!
-One eyed Charl.
-Saffers finally figuring out where to use Albie...the 15th over. The melted brains work after all.
-Dan the man showing emotions by shaking his hips mid-air. The dude can also dance, I may just have to clone him.
-The Kiwis still making a match out of it ( I do like them you know)

The bad:
-Albie still bowling.
-Jakes and his wonderful strike rate of just a little above hundred. What happened to the IPL form old man?
-Jakes' hairline receding even further! "Boucherzel, Boucherzel, lend him your hair".
-Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL getting dropped, coming on as a sub AND misfielding! This allowed bastard Buffalo to insult ROFL by calling on Dale, whom ROFL had subbed. Dale was suspiciously tying the strings of his pajamas at that time.
-Ross Taylor being shit. 
-Saffers building themselves up to be favourites before the tournament is done again...

The mushy:
-My Hersch replacing Bosman.
-My Hersch hitting fours.
-My Hersch hitting sixes.
-My Hersch taking stunning catches.
-My Hersch ensuring his place in the side for the rest of the games.
-My Hersch fielding like a fucking genius.
-My Hersch inspiring this awesome post over at Cricbuzz.

Dear God, I know I am not your favourite child but PLEASE make sure Gibbsy retains this form and plays till I am dead.

Thank you.

Cocktail

I don't have time to write up separate posts right now. But I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things, most of which have pissed me off. Naturally. So this one is going to be a cocktail of such extreme measures that you may actually throw up. Just don't sue me afterwards, I warned you.

On India's win: A middle finger creeping up from every corner and getting entangled in Dhoni's hair. Then pulling Dhoni's hair to expose it as a wig.

On Sachin's double century: The cricket fan in me is jubilant but the Saffa fan in me is sulking like there is no tomorrow. Did you have to pelt my Dale to do it? Everybody's singing your praises and I should too, because nobody else deserved it more but next time (because who else will break this record other than Sachin himself?), pick ANOTHER TEAM. Like Australia. Ricky smiles too much these days. I miss his hairy, sulky face.

On AB's century: What the fuck were you celebrating for? Where were all these runs when the team needed you in the second test and the first ODI? Honestly, I don't care what a great innings it was, he looked like he just wanted his century and nothing else. I know the team wasn't able to support him, but FUCK AB, you weren't able to support the team on SO MANY OTHER OCASSIONS! Play for the team fucktard!

On Charl's eye: Brave man. He batted and bowled with his one eye. Very ghoul-like. Brought back so many childhood memories!

Charl, the one eyed King

On Binga's retirement: No more skateboarding tweety in tests. I am actually saddened by this one. I liked Binga because he never gave up. The prime example of a keener. But hey, now he has more time to promote suits and work on a new album! It will be titled "I wasn't picked for Ashes 2009 and we lost".

On Australia's win over the Winides: Yawn.

On Australia's win over the Kiwis: When did Witchy learn to take wickets in T20? This is bad, it's very bad.

On Crashraful's drop: All I can say is, I am finally sleeping peacefully at night. Doesn't that say it all?

On Mashrafe's impending retirement from tests: Hi, National Captain. You have to be a bowler of Bond and Lee's stature to consider this. They loved their test cricket and tried everything in their power to get back to it. They only retired when they realized that AGE was not on their side either. You are TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX. Try harder.

On blogging: Man, I miss this!

First ODI

It's too late to do a post on the test now. Amla was more than great, Morne and Parny did their best, Ashy P played a stupid shot that opened the door for India and the Saffers should have drawn this one and taken the series. That's all you need to know really.

Strangely, the same shit has happened in the first ODI. South Africa has become a one man team; the rest are all in hibernation or handy tail-enders that can only take them close, but not win the match. However, I will look at the positives because everybody needs a change of direction at one point...specially South Africa.

1) Three run outs: I am not suprised. This is what happens when my Herschelle is on the field. How else do you explain the difference between Saffa fielding in the second test and today's ODI?

2) Dale Steyn's batting: Everytime I willed a six, he did it. Meaning, the positive is really my ability to control Dale's mind but we will let him think it was the dog.

3) Parny's batting: We will ignore the fact that he got run out in a painful fashion off the last ball of the game, reopening some very badly stitched wounds from a certain game about eleven years ago. Why? Because Parnell didn't bat at number 10 and he didn't forget to run...he hesitated. Feck!

4) My Herschelle's batting: Okay, it wasn't that great. But the six and the fours were very good previews of what is to come if he plays some more. Plus, he seems to have lost more weight and is looking very much like the Hersch of 2005. Sometimes, appearances mean everything.

5) No Biff: Very pleasant on the eyes.

6) Albie is back: and still petrifyingly ordinary at bowling. It's a positive because maybe someone will finally smack him in the face and tell him to focus on his batting.

7) They didn't choke: I thought about this one long and hard and I have come to the conclusion that they didn't. Parny and Steynkie looked very much like they were going to win this for the Saffers. It really took a very well directed slow ball from Kumar to end Steyn's onslaught. Even after, Charl and Parny looked relaxed. Something about their body language says 'fighter' not 'worried...cough, cough..gag'. The good news is Parny is the new generation and brave. So as long as 'choking' is not a required course in the South African cricket schools, we are good.

8) Charl's short ball: It seems to surprise the batsman everytime. I bet he could bowl six in a row and give the batsman six heart attacks. It's really quite strange. Something tells me the ball wears a 'I'm not a short ball' tag in the front and a 'You are a fool' tag at the back. Quite tricky to spot in a round ball.

And they still managed to lose...

Guess who's back?

After running an intense campaign for three months, we have finally been able to get Morne back on the squad. By we I mean me, but if you are a Morne lover and have been secretly sending mental hate messages to Procter, we thank you too.

It has also been reported that Parnell has finally realized that a sprained ankle is not a legitimate injury, specially when you have been caught dancing on that ankle. Shame on you Parnie for not declaring yourself fit earlier. But you can make up for it by taking 10 wickets. Okay 9, we'll give one to Morne.

The question is who will Morne and Parnie replace? Ryan McLaren is possibly going to be shown the door which is fine because he hasn't been mindblowing. Morne will either replace Charl or Dale. That almost sounded like the two chipmunks. Except I bet the chipmunks won't be such a big embarrassment with a cricket ball.

There's also a chance that Morne has been brought back to scare Dale into being good again. Which means Morne might be spending most of his time warming the benches while Dale finally wakes up and uproots every single batsman's wickets. Not a dream comeback, but Morne is a team man. He will do anything to help the Proteas win. Plus, he already has Allan's love and blessings. What more does he need?

Now that the right choices have been finally made, I will celebrate the return of my Herschelle in the team and remind you all that I was initially devastated when he was dropped. The post on him not being needed in the team was a momentary lapse of sanity.

My Hersch has been given another chance to save his international career.
My Hersch is going to make Tim Bresnan sorry he ever picked up a ball.
My Hersch is going to show Albertus how to fucking clear the boundary.
My Hersch will beat the crap out of AB de Villiers for not scoring when it matters.

Let the games begin.

Rain is my arch nemesis

Although I've spent the last few hours calming myself down, I am still pretty furious which means this post will be full of profanities. If you are under aged, congratulations your vocabulary has grown today!

So, the rain. Why does the rain not like South Africa? They are a green team, they do most of their fielding up in the air so as not to hurt the grass, they even have a Buffalo as their captain, an animal that contributes to mother nature's beloved earth in a stinky but effective manure..sorry manner. So WHY DOES RAIN HAVE SUCH A BUG UP ITS ASS?

Next, the D/L method. When will South Africa ever look at the sheet and be all 'Right, I've got it'. AND ACTUALLY GET IT? AB kept on looking at the dugout/screen/Colly's butt...anywhere but at the fucking sheet. He pretended to get it, but he didn't. Albie just peaked over his shoulders. I'm having major issues with Albie. These days, he's not only bowling like a bloody chucker, he is also refusing to run. Albie, AB is good at running between the wickets and he knows what he is talking about. So when AB says run, FUCKING RUN YOU TOOL! He easily cost SA 3 runs by refusing to move from his crease. And what happened? England won by 2 runs.

But now the happy thoughts. Yes, there will be happy thoughts because my heart might just burst if I am angry any longer. Then there will be one less person in this world to dislike the Poms. That cannot be. So the happy thoughts:

1) The first ball of the game. Charl always makes me smile, it is no coincidence that he too is bald.

2) Loots Bosman's assaulting the English bowlers. Bald men seem to be naturally good at this.

3) Tim Bresnan bowling. Whoever thought he was a bowler is a regular coke snorter.

4) Swann's first over: 6 1 6 1 1 0=15. Including Bosman's 50. This one was specially for Vim and Sid.

5) Swann turning red in the face trying to place his field with sign language and no one understanding him. Umm...it's called use your words you fucking 100 years old perverted toddler.

6) England continuing to win because of some non-English player. What's that you say? Colly who? I don't know any Lolly Molly. Stop bringing up names of creepy dolls.

Anyway, England can have this win. That's right. We are gifting it to them. Because the rest of the series the Saffers are going to whoop their asses so hard that their fake butt injuries are going to become a reality. And as for the weather gods..fucking go find some other continent to shower over! Or else...