T3D2: I think oh dear isn't too dramatic

No, it's not too dramatic at all. They recovered, lost wickets, recovered and lost wickets again. Benn is being friggin' awesome and in case you haven't realized this yet, the Saffers WILL be batting last.

Why Hashim Amla is feeling the urge to be generous to spinners is beyond me. And fuck, if Paul Harris comes down as nightwatchman one more time, I am going to scream! Sure he survives the night, but then he gives his wicket promptly away the next day, like his bloody job is done. How about batting a little Paul? And if you can't, how about NOT sending him out for like half an hour the night before so he can leave on time for his ritualistic nap after breakfast. I mean what the fuck! Jacques Kallis and AB de Villiers are good enough to survive the night and bat for longer the next day. And If you absolutely HAVE to sacrifice somebody send Ashy P! Even though he is a Saffa and not Graeme Smith, I strangely have very little affection for him.

He did do well today though, him and his pal AB. The Saffers are still 6 down, with a lead of only 54. They need to make about 350 more methinks which means Bouchy and Ashy will both have to get hundreds. Or Dale will have to muster up another 86 if Ashy P decides that yet again, a fifty is all he needs to prove his worth as a batsman. With Benn determined to have his claws dug into the Saffers and the pitch turning and bouncing, I don't think that will be happening.

I don't understand why Cricinfo thinks the Saffers have edged ahead. Somebody please explain.

T3D1: Tactics

Hallelujah! The Saffers have dropped Lopsy and picked Botha instead! What a good decision! Other than the fact that he did great there is also the point that if Paul Harris can be part of a test team than the new, reformed, finally overcoming the trauma of losing his doosra Botes should DEFINITELY be a part of the Proteas test squad. Plus, I have come to the conclusion that Lopsy is a bit over-rated. Although, I have also come to the conclusion that I am judging him too early.

West Indies too have put some thought into their tactics. Maybe Chris Gayle feels like winning this one, just for kicks. They might as well end on a 'high', as I don't see anything scheduled for months to come.

Dowlin was dropped, thank fucking god! I don't really care about the Windies that much but shit this guy was an embarrassment! They still refused to pick Adrian Bharath  though and picked Dale Richards instead...again! FYI, he also sucks and has a very South African sounding name. Suspicious.

But the biggest tactic used by the Windies was confusion. Rampaul was injured so Sammy came in, much to my delight. But Sammy too succumbed to injury and was replaced by Pascal who looked into Chris Gayle's eyes too early and hence hurt his neck. All of this made way for one Brandon Bess, whose name strangely reminds me of Archie and the gang. I don't know why...

Dale Steyn also changed his tactics by wearing a heinous pair of sunglasses with white frames and having his handkerchief hang below his cap like an Arab Sheik. He looked quite disturbing. Thankfully Kemar Roach stuck to his tactics by being wonderful and fast.

Fidel Edwards and Jerome Taylor also stuck to their tactics by being injured and absent, which made me very upset. How long do we have to wait to see Morkel & Steyn go up against Edwards & Taylor?

T2D2: Attack of the toilet paper

I thought that the highest level of boredom had been reached during Trott's 200 against Bangladesh. I was wrong. Boredom had such a strong hold on every minute of this test, that even the players got bored.

Smithy set his eyes on 200 and then realized that even a double wasn't worth the torture. Kallis did the same. Most will say that it was the 200 that evaded him, but we say that he evaded the 200. Because he is Jacques Kallis and he can.

Then AB took control of the situation. Not only the cricket, the entertainment part too. AB is a born entertainer, he can play the guitar and everything. It was his time to shine, his time to provide the highlight of the day. He brought up his hundred with a beautiful four and a even more stunning six. But that wasn't enough to make people happy. So AB went to the toilet.

Everybody watched him run away. Some thought Graeme had declared, others thought AB was going to celebrate his hundred by sliding near the ropes, in true football style. Chris Gayle took a seat in the grasses, Mark Boucher stood next to the umpire with his helmet off- for clear view. The cameras focused on the green door through which AB had just disappeared.

Unable to control his curiosity any longer, Paul Harris walked in through the green doors. Perhaps AB needed help, perhaps AB was planning his next album and would give Harro a single; perhaps, AB was going to reveal to him the secrets of using the toilet.

As everybody found out just how much time AB de Villiers spends in the toilet, AB came striding out, a relieved man. The drama didn't end there my friends. Out of nowhere a toilet paper roll came and hit AB on the shoulder. To further add to our joy, it got stuck in AB spikes and he had to stop from his skip to the crease to take it out and toss it to the nearest Saffa. I hear the toilet paper roll will be sold on ebay.

This roll of white, soft toilet paper was touched by AB the entertainer. We thank thee for relieving yourself and us of the cricket.

Threeway

A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

Harro plans his WC campaign

I kid you not. Paul Harris has left the Titans in order to play MTN40...so he can prepare himself for the upcoming World Cup. Paul Harris wants to play in WC 2011 in the subcontinent where there will be no fifth day turning pitches. In fact, I am pretty sure that there will be no pitches that can make Harro's ball turn. Why? Well, because such pitches don't exist yet.

He wants to add to his 3 ODI's and 42 List A games. He has taken about 3 wickets in the 3 ODI's at a stunning strike rate of 60 and an average of 27.66. But at least his economic rate has been 2.76, which is not too bad. However, his case can only be made through his List A figures:

42 matches, 1251 runs, 47 wickets, average of 26.61, strike rate 37.2 and economic rate of 4.28. He even has a five wicket haul. But fuck me if that isn't rubbish. ROFL's strike rate in List A is at least 8 lower and the bugger has 97 wickets from 63 matches. I'll refrain from making a comparison with Botha because his figures are even worse than Paul's.

Yet Botes is in the ODI team.

So should the Saffers go for the man who has more experience playing ODI's or the man who has better List A figures? Dropping ROFL is out of the question of course, because his alien friends might eat Majola. But I suspect Botes and Harro will have to battle it out. Except this is the fucking World Cup and really, shouldn't we be judging Harro by ACTUAL ODI's? Even if he has only three of them under his belt, he was clearly terrible. And they were all played against Bangladesh in..wait for it...BANGLADESH!

Where is the World Cup taking place? Yes, I believe Bangladesh is one of the hosts. They may not play there but it's the fucking sub-continent! And Harro has played only 3 god damn ODI's there!

Plus, Harro isn't much of a bowler...but you already know that so I don't have to repeat all of it again. Lastly, I suspect that by the time the WC gets here, everybody will have figured out how to belt the shit out of him.

As if they haven't already.

Don't hurt

You would think AB was a dainty little man, making contact with utmost delicacy, sending everybody into bouts of delighted squeals.

Well, you would be wrong because just now, he flung his dainty body at Harro and caused him to sprain his ankle. I mean, you can't really blame him. Harro just got the luckiest of wickets...the ball found direction after hitting the batsman. Not just any batsman, Sachin. On a hundred. Poor guy looked like a little boy who has lost his way. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

Harro's ankle seems to be piss weak too. How tall is AB? 5"10? How the hell does he jump on a giant and injure him? And now he has injured himself while trying to take a dramatic catch.

Handle with care, AB. Leave that shit for the IPL. We don't care if you injure yourself then, or your team mates. Come to think of it, injuring your team mates will be an ideal situation there. Because you know, they are really the opposition.

Unfortunately, nobody in Delhi induces this type of "frolicking little girl" reaction in AB like Harro does. It's endearing and pathetic at the same time. What does he have that others don't?

Dave Warner is blond.
Dan the man is tall.
Gambhir wears that white stuff on his face.
Andrew McDonalds bowls like crap.

That's four Delhi boys with the characteristics of one Harro. Go injure them or something. Leave the Paul alone, AB. Just leave him alone.

Lucky Harro

Mega Stupid Dhoni got beaten by a mystery Paul Harris ball in his own turf. The ball came out of the blasmphemous left hand and did what any other Harro balls do. Frolick around with no aim or direction.

Strangely, this random delivery forced M.S. onto his backfoot, during the course of which he forgot to drop his hands and tried to kick the ball instead. As M.S. held his bat up like he is in some Samurai parade, the ball bounced and hit his gloves. Then it sailed to Jacques Kallis.

Paul Harris celebrated accordingly, but a good look into his eyes will tell you that he was as shocked as we were. Why only recently, he admitted to having no googlies, doosras or carrom balls. This is thus a mystery ball of another level.

The ball, aptly named Horrendous Harro, is basically any random delivery that puts the batsmen in a drunken stupor with its mundaneness, long enough for them to give up their wicket. Mega Stupid, although one of the pioneers of this delivery is not amused while Paul Harris has expressed much delight over it's creation. Meanwhile, the world continues to puzzle over the fact that he gets wickets.

Paul had also stated that he is not a miracle bowler. Paul, we will have you know that your bowling has got Jesus sulking in one corner, as it is a even bigger miracle than his birth.

Pure trash

That is what I will be for the next one month. Not the kind of rubbish where I am posting regularly and stinking up the blog world. The kind where I am not posting regularly. Sorry, there are things going on right now that I need to focus on and do. Things that will keep me away till about mid-March. But this level of rubbishness will have some sophistication.

I won't be as horrible as Durby's bowling in the first two days. That was just on a different level. Went too straight, too far, too full, too short. Too much of everything. Not surprising, as there is too much of Durbhajan in the Indian team these days. And too much of something is never good. But I don't mind his flat-track ass, as long as he is serving the Saffers.

But I definitely won't be as good as Jakes in the first session of Day 1 where he had a strike rate of about 70 at one point, with two sixes. He was so delicious that I contemplated making a big 200 sign and hanging it from the highest glacier around. But then he decided today was not the day. I don't know when it will be the day. Maybe after he retires, in some friendly match.

The level of rubbishness on this blog will be marginally better than India's fielding. At one point the only thing I heard the commentators say was "If it had hit the wicket, it would have been out". Well, if the Indians had learnt the meaning of direct hit a lot of things would have happened. Like the apocalypse.

But the blog will not be the beauty that is Hashim Amla. Hashim's wrist will one day fetch some auction house millions of dollars. Although I would have been happiest if both he and Jakes had got to the double, I am excited that Hash has gotten his shit together. His power of concentration clearly comes from the vein in his forehead that pops out every now and then to calm him down. It was on the  very edge when he was in 199, as was his wife. Now that's what you call made for each other.

The level of rubbishness will fluctuate between South African openers that are not Graeme Smith and what comes out of the mouths of Ravi Shastri and Sunny Gavaskar. According to that pair, Hashim Amla is a foil for Jakes and WAGS who have no interest in cricket have nothing to do if their boyfriends/husbands are out early. Honey, they are on vacation, they are not here for their men.

Sometimes the blog will do a Paul Harris. But not too much. I couldn't do that you guys. Then sometimes it might do a Dale Steyn, who I have decided is to be referred to as my Dale from now on. But more on that later.

Saffa spinners are officially woeful

Why state the obvious? Because the selectors have the daunting task of choosing the one that is less horrendous for the upcoming test.
Fortunately, making a comparison of crap is much easier than making deciding between the best. For example, if Parnie and Tsotsobe were fighting over the third bowling spot (which they are-Ryan McLaren is in the scuffle too), things would be tougher. If we were to go by yesterday's performance in the warm up game.

But the grass IS much greener on the other side. Take Paul Harris' crap figures in yesterday's game into consideration, and they scream FUCKING PISSOFF/CON-ARTIST/BATSHIT! Or simply 12-0-71-5.91.

Then, when you are all cried out, you go take a look at Johan Botha's figures. Botha is the man right? Our capable vice-captain. Well, okay. As much of a man as you can be with 12-0-44-1-3.66. Slightly better. Botha may not be batshit but I doubt he has the skills to win a test match.

So it's a classic case of shit vs shit. And although it looks like Botha may have won this round what about their other skills?

Botha's short, sometimes sweet-sometimes bitter, high variety batting. In the ODI's. We can't remember what he used to do in tests. Whatever he does, he will be reported for chucking. Or maybe it's baseball when it comes to the batting action.
Versus Harris' jolly, "I want to score a century" batting. Never will he score a century, yet when he goes out, it seems to be his sole purpose. The whole time he bares his teeth like he is in a romantic comedy. But at least we remember how he bats in tests. That makes the score 1-1.

Then we move on to the fielding. None of them are known for their impressive fiedling skills. Sure, a good catch here and there, but it's only when the ball decides to land in the soft hands of a spinner having been roughed up enough. They are the manicurists of the cricket world. Batsmen are the pedicurists, with their dancing feet. Fast bowlers, they are just callous and unpolished.
So the only way to decide the fielding category is to judge who makes for more pleasant viewing.

Botha has an okay face, proportionate to his body and a nice shape. However, Paul Harris has that hair that has a life of it's own. Very entertaining to watch. We don't even need to go beyond that.
But Paul Harris is also too tall, which leads to neck sprains and back aches. Not to mention being unable to look where we have been looking always, straight ahead, at par with our eye level. It's very annoying.

Then, in a completely unrelated category, Botha can fly.

It's unfair I know. Giants can't get their mass to move upwards, but Harris can't get his ball to do that either. So it's 3-2 to Botha.

Congrats Botes! You are the chosen shitty one.

Saffers go to India

To take on the team who took the numero uno status from them. The Incessant Crack Consumers give these titles out, so who really cares? Except we all do and so do they. Nobody's buying this "they are just stats" bullshit, so stop selling.

I already see problems with the squad. Paul Harris and Johan Botha are in the test team as specialist spinners.But if not them, who else you ask? Well...nobody. That's how sad the situation is. I had once written about how ROFL and Botes had finally become spinners and it wasn't a seasonal thing etc.etc. Turns out I should learn to shut my pie hole. And Botha should find a way to be effective without the doosra.

But you got to make do with what you have right? So here's the way to deal with Paul Harris. Send him off on a tour of India on foot. Tell him he should be back in time for the first test. Except he won't. And you will at least have put in a decent performance. Well, as decent as you can with a man who hasn't played tests since 2008. And JP Duminy.

MY HERSCHELLE IS BACK! Who doubted him again? Show your face so I can smash it into pieces!
(He will play right Mickey...?)

Anyway, here are the squads:

Test squad Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe.

ODI squad Graeme Smith (capt), Loots Bosman, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Herschelle Gibbs, Jacques Kallis, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Roelof van der Merwe.

Of course, despite all odds being against them I am hoping the Saffers win and Harro has a good tour. If Hauritz can do it Harro so can you. YES YOU CAN!

But in all honesty, I am really hoping AB de Villiers releases a chart-topping single with Asha Bhonsle. AB, you can also do it.

Definition of an all-rounder

It is imperative that I tell you, because people seem to be suffering from bouts of dementia when they come across this word. It's very, very simple.

Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".

But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.

Now look at this picture:

With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.

Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.

But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.

Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.

So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.

In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.

T4D4: Morne, draw and some more fridge

I have an important question: what is the exact definition of infidelity? If I have Morne's babies and keep on thinking about Dale the whole time, does it make me an infidel? Because I need to have Morne's babies now. It's not even a wish, a dire need, not for me but for South African cricket. If I have 4 kids with Dale and 4 with Morne, that's four generations of dangerous opening bowlers for the Saffers. One or two of them might even blog badly. Regardless, We don't have to cry for the Donald-Pollock days, EVER. So is infidelity really bad when it's for the greater good?

Other than the fact that the Morne-Steyn combo has finally arrived after a long, long wait for Saffa fans (since Allan's retirement to be exact) another piece of history has been made in this fourth test. It rained...AND THE SAFFERS STILL WON! Bet you didn't realize that eh? 

I am slightly sad that this series is over but so god damn relieved that the Saffers levelled! However, I don't think they should be all that happy. They drew. Against England. At home. They should have fucked up the Pommies so bad they would never ever have wanted to return to Saffaland. Instead fucking England proved to be a resilient side. I think it's the South African tea. I'll say it. England... played... well... FUCKERS!

Of course some very dodgy selection decisions and Paul Harris helped. Paul, as much as I like you...fuck you! Just a little. You are South African after all.

Ryan can bat and JP can spin. So what happens to Paul now? Actually what happens to JP? He can get wickets yes, but tiny man...you...ARE A BATSMAN! At least that's what we thought! There's some talk about him being an all-rounder. Umm...NO. Failing with one and doing well with another in a test does not make him an all-rounder. Jakes seriously needs to put that definition on a t-shirt and wear it.

All-rounder: JACQUES FUCKING KALLIS. Dumbasses.

Graeme Swann and Bouchie-the man won man of the series. I thought Paul Collingwood deserved it more than Swannyg66. This is not spurred by my dislike for Swann. Think about it. Had Colly's innings not moved at the pace of a turtle at Centurion and Cape Town, there would have been ample time to get that fucker Onions. Even with Makhaya bowling.

Speaking of Makhaya, his fridge seems to have given birth to three more. CSA didn't want to pay for their food and electricity, so gave them to Jakes, Ashy P and Bouch. Ashy P is going to use it to freeze his brain some more.

Lastly, Andrew Strauss got booed for talking about the frustration with the review system. Ricky Ponting is buying the Wanderers crowd beer. Cheers guys!

Look Michael!

Trotty is celebrating with the Saffers again. Write him off with your pen! Traitorous Saffa!

I know I have made a lot of jokes about KP and Trotty being to chummy with their former countrymen but has anybody realized that they both were very, very subdued through the whole series? Specially KP, who made no runs AND misfielded horrendously throughout.

He misfielded thrice when a Protea batsman was about to reach some milestone. One of them was Jacques Kallis and the other two times it was Mark Boucher.

Those two are also KP's closest friends in the Saffa team. I know I sound like Michael Vaughan right now, but I have no book coming out and neither do I have any hair products to sell. Something is very wrong with KP. He did not look very interested in the cricket. Instead he made the same rueful face everytime he walked off cheaply. I've seen this face so many times I am beginning to think it's an act.

Not that I give a shit. The reject can go screw himself for all I care. But I'm just saying. The Queen might want to look into this.

Ha, ha, ha.

T4D1: Dale, have my babies

I had a dream before tuning into the game today. I dreamt that South Africa won the toss and the Biff-headed individual decided to bat first, leading to a massacre of Saffa batsmen and a flurry of wickets. Little did I know that my subconscious was already watching the game and feeding me all sorts of wrong information. I think my subconscious may be English...BLASMEPHY!

Anyway, so if you don't want to have Dale's babies after that performance, you are demented...or think Stuart Broad is a bowler. The wicket I enjoyed the most was that of Andrew fucking Strauss. I also briefly contemplated having Amla's children after that catch, but the guy is married. So I will let him be.

Heartbreaker Morne got three, two of which were leg-before. Although one of them was probably a no ball. Barbie was 'astonished' and I think KP called the umpire an asshole. Daryl Harper's family better start saying a prayer for him, he might not be returning home from this tour.

Ryan McLaren replaced Paul Harris. Not a bad idea, but can Ryan McLaren bat? 'Cause Harro can you know...in his own awkward, "I always have a strange smile on my face" way.

Wayne also made his debut and was crap. Had he and Ryan not bowled, the Poms would have been out much sooner. But I grudgingly forgive them because they are debutants after all. However, here is a little something for them to 'grow' in the second innings: "Stick to the basics fuckers, the rest will happen on its own. Have you not watched the Poms bat?"

Prior, KP and Barbie have inspired many shitty kids who now believe they can be selected for the national team despite batting like a bunch of Under12s. Wait, I'm missing one. Oh yes! Fighter Colly Buttniggle. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.

At this point, I must share with you a line I read somewhere (can't remember where) after the first test. "England only collapse once in every series. This was it and South Africa have failed to capitilize on it". So evidently, what we saw today and in the third test was not a collapse. It's just the English batsmen politely thanking the Saffers for their hospitability over the past few months. How very proper of them!

I am seriously happy with this day. No, the world is not ending. Dale Steyn on top form always gets that reaction from me. I want to share with you my happiness, hence this special picture:

His smile is as horrifying as my happy face...

Of course Ashy P and his high score of 15 are still at the crease and this is a bowling pitch. So tomorrow all this may change. Unless Pee on the Ashes survives Jimmy like he did today.

Bowling changes?

Friedel de Wet is injured, so Parney has been called up. AGAIN. Why? I mean, I am thrilled for you kiddo but this is five days cricket. And a very, very important one. Not exactly the best time to see whether Parney has it in him.

But if Friedel absolutely needs to be replaced, Parnie might be the only way to go. Or Tsotsobe. At this point, there is no difference between the two when it comes to Test cricket.

Imran Tahir has also been called up. He is a leggie. Not a Saffa one, a Pakistani one. I have never seen him play but he has got to be better than a Saffa 'spinner' right? More attacking for sure.

But Harro gets wickets. And it is a bit panicky to drop a wicket-taking bowler for an untried one when it's a question of only one wicket, isn't it? At least that's what I think.

Then again, I also thought this was JP's year. So maybe, my thoughts mean shit all.

I think.

Paul Harris and doorknobs

Can Paul Harris turn a doorknob?

An important question, asked by a spectator at Newlands. Harris answered by taking Andrew Strauss out in the over.

"Yes fucker, I can turn a doorknob".

Go back to Durban. The doorknob swung Paul around and flung him to a corner, where he weeped like a little baby.

But also go back a little further to Centurion. He banged open the door without turning the doorknob. Again and again. Just went straight through it, till it broke.

This match, sometimes he banged and sometimes he turned. Neither got him the win. He was overplayed by at least two overs, when JP had been turning the doorknob much more smoother than him.

Yet, it is hard to criticize a man that continues to take wickets for the Saffers in the disguise of a spinner. I mean, he is a Saffa 'spinner' for fuck's sakes! What more did you expect from him?

Will he last? Probably not. Will he continue to mysteriously get wickets at the Wanderers? Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn't matter, because whether he gets wickets or not, he probably won't fucking learn how to spin the ball at the age of 31.

Does he need some love despite all of this?

Andre Nel seems to think so.

T3D2: First good day

Not the perfect day but after that start, who would have thought SA would still come out on top in the end? Well again not really quite on top, but smothering England with half their body weight surely. And with Biff and Jakes in the side, the scale's already hit the limit.

Seeing as I love South Africa and love England even more, I have to mention that five out of the seven Pom wickets came because of stupid shots. Strauss, Bell, KP, Trott, Cook all played appallingly to lose their wickets. I fell out of the couch laughing at the Bell shot! Oh Samantha...you were on 48 and you decided to go typically Bell. And KP's wicket was the funniest shit I had every seen. It seems that KP's weaknesses are spinners and his own over confidence. What I didn't realize was that the combination of the two would delude him into think Steyn was a spinner and play him like one. Fucking dumbass! And oh Mascaraman, aren't you the great one who had saved your career? Even after scoring 65 runs, you go out like a wuss. BAHAHAHA!

But let's not take anything away from Morne and Dale. I can finally breathe because the chipmunk seems to be back on form. All that hatred and nasty thoughts paid off! I always knew Morne was going to be fucking awesome. He can thank me later for the door-to-door campaign by picking up a fifer tomorrow. Friedel didn't get a wicket but he was dead accurate most of the time (Polly, we may have found your replacement!). For all the rubbish that Jakes bowled, he still had the lowest economic rate- another testament to Pom batsmen. JP was JP and Paul was...well a South African spinner. Sigh, it was nice while it lasted.

Swannyg66 is there and as much as I would like to think so, this is not over yet. Prior seems in good form and unless the Saffa bowlers bowl like Jimmy did this morning they might still get away. Damn that Jimmy! He was unplayable and I can't even hate him for it! Well he is friends with Swanny, so maybe I can a little bit.

Back to the relevant stuff. It's always a good thing when Morne and Dale are our top wicket takers because they are each others' competition, which means they will try that much harder. Of course, we can't relax even if England are out soon tomorrow because the top/middle/lower Saffa order may collapse on their own.

FML.

T2D5: Paul Harris smiles too much

An hour and thirteen minutes. That's how long they lasted. And Paul Harris smiled for about forty five minutes in that time. What is so funny Paul? The fact that this is the second time England has utterly humiliated you? Or Barbie's balls smacking you everywhere?

But let's do laugh. Because really, what else can you do? The Saffa change room looked so gloomy. Cheer up boys! You get to go home AND start celebrating New Years early! What can be better than stuffing your faces with some more holiday junk that possibly lead to this atrocious performance ? Oh I know! Come back with an even worse performance in the third test!

Or maybe not. This is honestly turning out to be Ashes 2009. England managed to draw the first one and win the second one. Hence, it is England's turn to be ravaged next. And then the last one...

I don't know. Because England might win this by the next one or the Saffers may make a miraculous turn around and win the remaining two. I am of course hoping for the latter but with this team, who knows?

I'm guessing either Bell or Swann will be M-O-M. Obviously, I am not staying up to watch that shit. I have better things to do. Like break stuff around my house.

T2D4: Lend Biff a brain

Can the Saffers get any worse? Apparently they can. And obviously we always have our precious buffalo to lead the crappiness. Morne bowled one fucking spell today. Paul and JP was consistently rubbish and they were consistently played. CONSISTENTLY. What's the fucking point of getting one wicket if the fifteen other balls are pure vomit? JP was so far wide he made a prostitue blush. And Paul was hypnotically drawn to leg stump. The Poms were troubled by neither.

And Biff just stood there. No bowling changes, no fielding changes, just expression changes. I understand all your bowlers are going through a bad patch but FUCK BIFF it is YOUR JOB to bring them out of the shit hole. Not fucking protect them. Give them the ball and tell them to fucking shape up. Put pressure on them, have expectations from them. They are international level bowlers. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PROTECT THEM? Honestly, this is not even a random accusation. Biff seems to think that his job is to stand there and make penguin-like faces. Believe me you fucktard, that's not why they made you captain.

All they had to do was bowl well, not even pick up wickets frequently, like they did in the first innings of the first test. As soon as the new ball came the Pom started playing stupid shots and got themselves out. The bowlers continued to do shit all. Doesn't that show that if they had bowled well since yesterday at one point or the other the Poms would have given up their wicket under pressure? Yes, I believe it does.

Just when things got interesting and Maky started to look a wee bit like his old self, Strauss declared. Clever move, otherwise Makhaya might have chopped Onions' head off. And all he needed was a little collision with Jimmy which denied him a possible catch. Who knew? Next time just push the fucker around and he will rip through the batsmen...hopefully!

I didn't see the Saffers batting and I am not going to watch the highlights. What's the point? I read somewhere that Graeme Swann is now a dangerous bowler. The Aussies and Saffers have fucking made Swannyg66 look like a dangerous bowler. And I am not about to watch a batting performance that makes Broad a bowler and Swann dangerous.

Let's have a bet though. How soon will the game be over tomorrow? Whoever wins will have to give all their money to the Buy Biff a new brain Foundation. I believe Mohammad Ashraful has qualified for the donors' list.

As an afterthought, ABism is a fucking sham. It just makes you wish you had invented the atom bomb instead. My world of perennial haters is much more satisfying I tell you.  

T2D3: Practicing ABism

My brain is in so much grief over yesterday's game that I have now crossed over to the other extreme. Instead of bashing the Saffa bowlers to my heart's content I am practicing ABism i.e. I am being positive about every fucking thing.

So no Dale Steyn, I won't poke and pry into your mouth to try and figure out what sort of bacteria is residing in your brain. You have become fucking useless in a very short period of time, but I won't make a fuss about that. Instead I will dwell over the lovely capabilities that you are hiding in some unreachable part of your body and will it back outside with my positivity.

No Paul Harris, I won't talk about your diligent impression of Dale Steyn despite being more than okay even a few days ago. Instead I will pine for the days when you did not spin the ball but managed to fool the batsmen enough to get their wickets. Or maybe you dazzled them with your hair. No matter how you did it, you did it and it will happen again my friend. Yes it will.

Makhaya I won't say anything about you at all because even ABism cannot sugar-coat your mortifying bowling.

I will dwell on poor Morne instead who had to do the work of three other bowlers and did very well. Unfortunately for us we cannot clone him. We also cannot bowl him for eight continuous hours because then he will break down which means a bowling attack consisting of Dale, Jakes, Makhaya, Paul and JP. Which, as per ABism will be so wonderful that I will have to stuff my face with holiday sweets till I choke and die.

Even with positivity overload I cannot bring myself to acknowledge that Mascaraman now has a century and Ian Bell a half century. That will require a lot of alcohol and drugs and I am already maxed out on foreign objects in my body i.e. positive thoughts. And if I do overdose who will tell you that this a clever plan by the Saffers to keep the two jokers in the team, so real players never get a chance and they continue to disappoint for another forty innings?

'Tis true folks. I may not be ranting today but I would never lie to you.