"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Why Bouch got 500 dismissals

Because he has four hands and excellent control.

T3D3: Spitgate

Dale Steyn got a special albeit late birthday gift on Day 3. The gift was wrapped in anger, decorated with a mouth and went by the name of Sulieman Benn. The gift teased and taunted his team-mates and him. When Dale went to a beautiful leg-cutter by Kemar Roach, the gift laughed at the birthday boy, upon which he decided that he didn't like the gift and spat at him.

It is a serious issue, I agree. Both parties were acting like juvenile delinquents. But let's leave the seriousness to the officials shall we? And let us engage in some much needed laughter.

I always find it funny when sportsmen get upset and exchange words. It's funnier when the ones involved  are mediocre at the sport they play, which is often why they use their mouths to try and dominate instead. This is not the case here though. Benn is currently one of West Indies' most important test bowler and we all know how good Dale Steyn is. But that doesn't mean that we can't laugh at this.

Benn provoked much of it, I would say. When he starts talking he can't stop. He got overly excited when Dale came to the crease too, probably because he was sick of looking at the top of Bouchy's head. Sometimes I wonder if that's why he is so angry. Can you imagine going through life, having mostly views of bald spots, budding bald spots and dandruff? But Dale too had no business spitting at him, as funny as it was. That is disrespectful and quite a nasty thing to do. Keep your saliva where it belongs!

Both will probably be fined, but the problem is this will be Benn's millionth punishment. He chirps and riles people up, so the officials like to fine him. I don't mind him talking, he entertains me quite a bit. But I also don't want him to be banned for going overboard, because he really is crucial to the Windies right now. A bowling line up with Edwards, Taylor, Roach and Benn is a bloody exciting one!

Thankfully, for once, this wasn't the only interesting happening of the day. Much to my shock, Ashy P remained not out at 78, still didn't get his century mind you (*insert bitchy smirk here*), but he did get Bouchy run out. That is the only way I can rationalize a player getting run out in the third day of a test series when they are already leading. Benn bowled seriously well to restrict the Saffers and then his best friend Dale killed his top order.

I saw people on Cricinfo blame Benn for that too. But the truth is their batsmen were terrible,they have been terrible throughout the series and Benn, as annoying as he is, gave them a fighting chance and they blew it.

Monday, June 28, 2010

T3D2: I think oh dear isn't too dramatic

No, it's not too dramatic at all. They recovered, lost wickets, recovered and lost wickets again. Benn is being friggin' awesome and in case you haven't realized this yet, the Saffers WILL be batting last.

Why Hashim Amla is feeling the urge to be generous to spinners is beyond me. And fuck, if Paul Harris comes down as nightwatchman one more time, I am going to scream! Sure he survives the night, but then he gives his wicket promptly away the next day, like his bloody job is done. How about batting a little Paul? And if you can't, how about NOT sending him out for like half an hour the night before so he can leave on time for his ritualistic nap after breakfast. I mean what the fuck! Jacques Kallis and AB de Villiers are good enough to survive the night and bat for longer the next day. And If you absolutely HAVE to sacrifice somebody send Ashy P! Even though he is a Saffa and not Graeme Smith, I strangely have very little affection for him.

He did do well today though, him and his pal AB. The Saffers are still 6 down, with a lead of only 54. They need to make about 350 more methinks which means Bouchy and Ashy will both have to get hundreds. Or Dale will have to muster up another 86 if Ashy P decides that yet again, a fifty is all he needs to prove his worth as a batsman. With Benn determined to have his claws dug into the Saffers and the pitch turning and bouncing, I don't think that will be happening.

I don't understand why Cricinfo thinks the Saffers have edged ahead. Somebody please explain.

T3D1: Tactics

Hallelujah! The Saffers have dropped Lopsy and picked Botha instead! What a good decision! Other than the fact that he did great there is also the point that if Paul Harris can be part of a test team than the new, reformed, finally overcoming the trauma of losing his doosra Botes should DEFINITELY be a part of the Proteas test squad. Plus, I have come to the conclusion that Lopsy is a bit over-rated. Although, I have also come to the conclusion that I am judging him too early.

West Indies too have put some thought into their tactics. Maybe Chris Gayle feels like winning this one, just for kicks. They might as well end on a 'high', as I don't see anything scheduled for months to come.

Dowlin was dropped, thank fucking god! I don't really care about the Windies that much but shit this guy was an embarrassment! They still refused to pick Adrian Bharath  though and picked Dale Richards instead...again! FYI, he also sucks and has a very South African sounding name. Suspicious.

But the biggest tactic used by the Windies was confusion. Rampaul was injured so Sammy came in, much to my delight. But Sammy too succumbed to injury and was replaced by Pascal who looked into Chris Gayle's eyes too early and hence hurt his neck. All of this made way for one Brandon Bess, whose name strangely reminds me of Archie and the gang. I don't know why...

Dale Steyn also changed his tactics by wearing a heinous pair of sunglasses with white frames and having his handkerchief hang below his cap like an Arab Sheik. He looked quite disturbing. Thankfully Kemar Roach stuck to his tactics by being wonderful and fast.

Fidel Edwards and Jerome Taylor also stuck to their tactics by being injured and absent, which made me very upset. How long do we have to wait to see Morkel & Steyn go up against Edwards & Taylor?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Warding off injuries

I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.

Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.

P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Have a read

Ian Chappell wrote a piece on Cricinfo regarding ODI's. It was the title that caught my eyes:

My feelings exactly. It has some new perspectives. Like this one:

There's only one reason to play cricket and that's to win the contest. You won't always achieve that pleasing result but players will have fun trying if the captain strives to make the contest interesting. When a fielding captain's mind is clouded with negativity, the game can become tedious, and if spectators feel that way, then spare a thought for the fielders. At least the fan can go to the bar or, in the worst case, get up and go home; the player has to stay on the field and endure his punishment. 

And this one:

The administrators can't legislate to make players better or captains more imaginative; it's immaterial if you play 40 or 50 overs a side, or split the innings in two halves, or play a two-innings limited-overs game. If one team is vastly superior to the other and one captain is desperate to win and the other is hoping he doesn't lose too badly, then two things are assured: the result will quickly be a foregone conclusion and the game will lose any semblance of excitement at about the same time. 

Click on the link to read the rest of it. It's worth your time.

T2D5: Planned assassination

During the course of this final day several people died. Some may have chosen to end their life, others died of natural boredom, but most died while trying out some dangerous sports to see if they could still feel excitement.

The Saffers and Windies would be held responsible for this mass murders except the people mentioned above didn't actually watch the game, they died just hearing about it.

Sulieman Benn let us know through twitter that he was glad that it was over. AB de Villiers ignored it completely and talked about Bafana Bafana. He may have mentioned that it was a long day somewhere but I wasn't interested. It was a long day for me too, as I caught a full five minutes of the game. My favourite part was the first three minutes of those five when it was lunch time and I stared at a footage of the pitch with people walking around.

Secretly, I commend these two teams' ability to focus and concentrate through such a day. But secrets must be kept to oneself, so I won't.

Just in case you were holding your breath, it was an exciting draw. I know, what a shocker!

T2D4: Suggestions

Let's make a team of all tail-enders and make the Saffers play against them. Because clearly, they need the practice. Barbie, Swannyg66, Rampaul, Benn, Mahmudullah, Mushfiq...hell let's even put Mohammad Asif in this team! The Saffers will be obligated to play this lot at least twice a year.

It seems that the Saffers are so busy studying the real batsmen, they forget that after all of them come those who in theory should succumb to their bowling like mosquitoes to DDT. And thus, the Saffers have become the team against whom tailenders test their abilities to be 'all-rounders'. Some may also think that they are genuine all-rounders (FYI, Mahmudullah is the real all-rounder amongst those I named) thanks to the Saffa bowlers. Because of all the fancy shit they try against the Rampauls and the Benns, all the batsmen have to do is stick their bat out and it goes for a boundary. It is a mockery! Not to mention a mockery of supposedly the deadliest fast bowling combination in the world right now, Morkel and Steyn.

I say supposedly because this combination has only clicked for two tests. These two have every skill to get rid of the supposedly but their greatness will have to include bowling at the bloody stumps and getting rid of the bloody tail-enders! Rid the world of fake all-rounders, treat them like non-batsmen...because that's exactly what they are! Don't be a disgrace to Donald-Pollock and Pollock-Ntini guys!

My other suggestion is that we should build Mark Boucher a throne, pick up a crown from Burger King and make Tim Paine, Kamran Akmal and Kieswetter dance around him.

Monday, June 21, 2010

T2D3: Hello ICC, too many runs!

Where is the ICC when you need them? I mean, where are they? Why aren't they following this match like the other five people who are planning their days, nights, dinners, dates around this? Three days, five centuries and three half centuries. One of whom belonged to Deonarine, the man who is giving Ashy P good competition as the worst test opener. When a deodrant makes runs, you KNOW the pitch is suspect.

Why am I complaining? Wasn't I the one whining about the Windies having no spirit a few days ago? Yes I was! But I meant they should show spirit and still roll over to the Saffa bowlers. AND I DON'T SEE THEM ROLLING OVER. That doesn't make me happy.

What is up with Shiv? Why are you finding form all of a sudden? Sure, you are one of my favourite Windies players but honey, this century business is getting a bit tedious. I mean, three people did it before you in this match alone! Do you really want to follow trends? You should stand out, bat like crap! Give Paul Harris your wicket! Oh wait, that's trendy too.

And then there was one more century by Nash too! But I won't bitch about that too much, his mommy might come after me.

If the Saffers don't take wickets tomorrow, this is heading for a draw. The Saffers drew their last two test series and frankly I've had enough. Sure, the chances of the Windies winning the last one are about as high as Bangladesh winning the world cup but I was promised a 3-0 whitewash and that's what I want. I would take my team winning over a bloody exciting series any day!

Wouldn't you?

T2D2: Attack of the toilet paper

I thought that the highest level of boredom had been reached during Trott's 200 against Bangladesh. I was wrong. Boredom had such a strong hold on every minute of this test, that even the players got bored.

Smithy set his eyes on 200 and then realized that even a double wasn't worth the torture. Kallis did the same. Most will say that it was the 200 that evaded him, but we say that he evaded the 200. Because he is Jacques Kallis and he can.

Then AB took control of the situation. Not only the cricket, the entertainment part too. AB is a born entertainer, he can play the guitar and everything. It was his time to shine, his time to provide the highlight of the day. He brought up his hundred with a beautiful four and a even more stunning six. But that wasn't enough to make people happy. So AB went to the toilet.

Everybody watched him run away. Some thought Graeme had declared, others thought AB was going to celebrate his hundred by sliding near the ropes, in true football style. Chris Gayle took a seat in the grasses, Mark Boucher stood next to the umpire with his helmet off- for clear view. The cameras focused on the green door through which AB had just disappeared.

Unable to control his curiosity any longer, Paul Harris walked in through the green doors. Perhaps AB needed help, perhaps AB was planning his next album and would give Harro a single; perhaps, AB was going to reveal to him the secrets of using the toilet.

As everybody found out just how much time AB de Villiers spends in the toilet, AB came striding out, a relieved man. The drama didn't end there my friends. Out of nowhere a toilet paper roll came and hit AB on the shoulder. To further add to our joy, it got stuck in AB spikes and he had to stop from his skip to the crease to take it out and toss it to the nearest Saffa. I hear the toilet paper roll will be sold on ebay.

This roll of white, soft toilet paper was touched by AB the entertainer. We thank thee for relieving yourself and us of the cricket.

T2D1: Let's keep you interested

Game 1: Take the Windies bowling attack and stuff them all in a box. Make sure they are packed tightly. Then go eat something. After walk around and stumble upon the box like you didn't expect it to be there. Look around nervously, approach it cautiously and then open it bravely. All the bowlers will spring out and hopefully surprise you. If they succeed, it will be the only time the Windies bowlers have had any tricks up their sleeves. If not, pack them in tighter.

Game 2: Count how many strands of hair Hashim Amla has in his beard. Oh wait, you don't have enough time because the only Saffa to stand tall to Indian spinners in India is all of a sudden struggling against some Shane Shillingford. Hashim honey, this ain't the original Shane. He is much fatter and cheated on his wife. So buck up and own the bastard. This is the easiest batting practice you are going to get during an actual match anyway.

Game 3: Conceptualize a support group for Gordon Greenidge, Viv Richards, Walsh, Ambrose, Lara...basically any West Indian that has the misfortune of calling themselves the past of this team. Please include heavy drinking and lots of abuse in the agenda. (Note: that guy screaming from the sidelines during the games will come handy when deciding on the abuses)

Game 4: Congratulate Graeme Smith on making 70000 runs. Here's the hard part, to win in this game you will have to convince Biffy to remain in the team as a batsman and a batsman only.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Play Bangladesh

On Bored

Winning plans

1) West Indies: Plan to challenge the Saffers at football instead and infiltrate their team with girls.

P.S: Sid, did Ricky and gang shave Biffy's hair?

2) AB de Villiers: Plan to stand and watch Mark Boucher work his abs off and still take his spot in the squad...possibly because of that winning smile.

3) Me: I plan to laugh at the Windies when they still lose to the Saffers and hold AB down so Bouch can continue to keep wicketsfor South Africa. Just in tests and ODI's. AB can have his T20 spot, we don't care about that.

We do care about Bouch's missing tooth though. We want it back AB, we want it back now!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

T1D5: JP shows up

As the team rested on Day 5, hard working JP does his bit to make sure he makes it back to the test side. Most of it includes having to spend time with Biff during his favourite hobby-eating.

Spare a thought for the boy. Working your way back to the team is never easy. Specially when acting is also one of your skills.

T1D4: Sunday is a day of emotions

It started with Jakes getting mad when his LBW decision stood because no shot was offered and hit an imaginary umpire out of the park with his bat. It didn't stop there. Later on he threw the ball at Sulie Benn's stumps and sang a song to him in his own little way. It was more than we have seen from Jakes throughout his whole career. Methinks he was just feeling the heat on his head as his coverage of keratin have moved closer to the back of his neck. They are on a journey, a great mission to discover whether Jakes has a neck. It would make anybody emotional.

Gayle then hit AB on his ankles and smiled. One would figure that only violence would bring a smile on that man's face. But it wasn't a case of battery. It was more a case of 'your room-mate likes me too much and that makes me uncomfortable'. Unfortunately for Gayle, the threat didn't work and Morne still got his wicket. AB de Villiers was more in pain after that wicket because there are still two more tests to go. Gayle rushed from the crease in case Morne decided to actually give him a hug.

Ashy P, fresh from his fifty and cementing his spot in the test team yet again (I know, I know, he was only ever going to be dropped in my head but the bastard better keep making runs because I have been known to make things in my head come true) did a jig. It got the commentators so excited that they kept on talking about it till the t.v. guys were forced to show the whole jig. I am most certain that the real emotion amongst all this was boredom as West Indies headed to an inevitable loss.

All in all, a highly unusual day. Okay, not really. There was nothing unpredictable about it and this is exactly how the rest of the series will go as well.

Let's just hope Alviro gets five wickets in the same over and Smith bowls more often just to draw some emotions from us.

T1D3: Finally on the playground

Today there was no footy to follow, well at least there were no interesting games. So today the Saffers were going to actually play.

Only, Morne being the naughty kid dominated the playground in the morning. He didn't want to let anyone else play, specially the West Indies. Sometimes Boucher got to hold the ball for placing himself directly behind the stumps and sometimes Smith got the honour, because the ball just could not escape his fat hands. I am like every parent who refuse to acknowledge their kids as adults. Just replace kid with Buffalo and adult with thin.

Dale, being the jealous little boy that he is, refused to be shoved out of the limelight. He gave up wrestling wild animals in the jungles for this for fuck's sakes! So he forced himself in the game and very nicely forced Chanderpaul to play as well. Mind you, it's one of the rare times any West Indian played.

Morne grimaced. Dwayne Bravo was the casualty of that grimace.

After, Dale had two choices:
a) grab the rest of the wickets with the specific intention of denying Morne his fifer
b) grab the rest of the wickets for fun with the indirect intention of denying Morne his fifer

He went with (b) because he doesn't have enough fifers in the bag. It's really quite frustrating for a bowler of Dale's calibre. He also went with (b) because Morne is lovely shed of red when taunted, makes for a nice Valentines Day cake. But we didn't care, West Indies was the real loser in this catfight.

However, the joke was on us just as we were preparing for a sequel to the catfight and Fatty and Alviro came down the stairs instead of enforcing the follow on. Apparently AB picked Dale up in celebration a few too many times and in return Dale picked up some niggles. Morne was also slapped hard in the ass by the Buffalo at some point, so you can imagine that the boys were in no condition to bowl.

I was pissed and blamed it on Biff, like most of you I am sure. I am a believer of democracy.

West Indies decided not to come to the playground at all.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

T1D2: Behind the scenes

'Why do we have to play!" said AB de Villiers. "Bafana Bafana is about to take on Mexico, our country is making history! I am not playing!"

'What the fuck you whining about? Jakes and I are batting. You can sit and watch the fucking game!", barked Paul Harris.

Subtitutes Ryan McLaren and Johan Botha smirked in their Bafana Bafana jerseys. They didn't have to play at all.

The footy started and everybody was glued to their blackberries, Iphones, smart phones...all hiding underneath their chairs. After all, there was a huge sign outside the dressing room that prohibited the usage of any sort of cellular device. Thus, it took Paul some time to find them when he had returned from the field.

"AB, AB, I am out. You gotta go out there. AB! Get your ass out there!"

AB left in a huff, all the while planning to get out soon so he can go back to the game. But Shillingford hit Jacques in the pad first.

"Appeal it! I am sure it was not out. Stay Jakes stay! You can get a hundred against these bowlers", AB tried to convince Jacques.

"Nah, I wanna see the first goal of the World Cup. Bye!" Jakes ran off.

Reassuringly, Prince informed AB that it was still 0-0.

"Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. But hey, can you please, please stay with me out here? I need to let the selectors know that the only reason I sucked against the Poms was because I was made to open. So be my support while I make a fifty. Everybody will know how good I am then!"

Only when Ashy P hit his fifty, Bafana Bafana had just scored. So no one really saw it. Ashy P didn't know this because the dressing room was jumping up and down with joy. Poor guy thought the celebration was for him.

Once he had proven his point, he too got sick of missing the game and left to join the guys in the dressing room. AB soon followed. Mark was thinking of doing the same, but Dale informed him that Mexico had tied.

The dressing room assumed that Mark Boucher was being Mark Boucher and saving their asses and Dale was winging it like crazy. Nobody looked up, till the cleaning guy came by and found sixteen Saffas underneath sixteen chairs, being appalled by France's defence.

"You guys can go home now, the match is over. I mean your match", he said.

"Oh!", said Graeme. "Aww look, just to be safe, let me tweet about us watching the highlights later at night so no one knows okay boys?"

As they walked off, the cleaning guy muttered, "Mon, some people did see your top order batting.."

T1D1: Behind the scenes

As it poured like a bitch outside, here's what happened inside. Benn and Gayle got along.

It wasn't easy. Gayle had just lost yet another toss to Graeme Smith and Benn was still pissed from being ejected off the ground in the fourth ODI. There was tension. Gayle put on this shades and pretended to not look at Benn while sizing him up and down. Benn stared blatantly. He didn't need no shades, his powers were in his eyes.

At one point Gayle opened his mouth and said, "We gotta get along meaning you gotta fucking do what I tell you to, and get me wickets".

To which Benn replied, "Remember Brad Haddin? I'll smash you to his height if you fucking ask me to leave the ground again".

Gayle: "You do realize I have a super duper chest?"

Benn: "You do realize I am your key bowler?"

Gayle: "How?"

Benn: "We are playing the Saffers and I am the spinner".

Gayle thought for a moment. Then out of nowhere, he flung himself at Benn and started punching him. Benn was not to be taken down so easily though. He fought back, kicking Gayle face repeatedly with his long legs. It did little to bring Gayle down but Benn didn't give in. Chairs flung everywhere, windows were smashed, it was utter chaos.

(In the dressing room next door the Saffers engaged in a meditation hour lead by Jacques Kallis and Hashim Amla, meaning they were essentially asleep in a yoga pose).

Then the umpires signalled for game time and Benn and Gayle had to stop. No one had won. But they were playing the Saffers and Benn was the spinner. Shane Shillingford was also a spinner but who could trust some player with such an un-West Indian like name. So they shook hands and decided to get along.

Eventually there was some cricket and Shane Shillingford struck, twice. But it didn't matter because Benn too had gotten a wicket, a crucial wicket.

Chris Gayle curved half his face into a smile.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Dancing Bowler

I have a soft corner for Sreesanth. Everytime, and I mean everytime, I have writer's block or no material to write about, Sreesanth crops up.

For instance, this latest quote on Crapinfo:

" Everybody knows I can dance well and I can bowl fast too. There are only a few bowlers who can do that "
-Sreesanth knows he has a rare combination of talents

How those lovely words found each other and in under what circumstances, I do not know. But I am not a journalist and always happy to make up shit. So here is the real story.

Darling Sreesanth was recently fired from his job as captain of the Kerala cricket team. Further, he was not informed by the Kerala Cricket Association (KCA), but rather heard it from friends. This upset Sree tremendously but KCA is so immune to his tantrums (I am assuming there have been others) that they are not bothered. So Sreesanth is thinking about quitting Kerala, which might mean anything from moving from the state itself to just never playing for their cricket team. Either way, the loss is Kerala's because...everbody knows Sree can dance well and bowl fast too. There are only a few bowlers who can do that.

KCA are so thick-headed and uninsightful that they cannot spot this rare gem of a player. Dancing is such a criticial skill to have when you want you are bowling a bouncer at 150kph. Why else would Darren Gough be the winner of Strictly Come Dancing and Juan Theron put Shilpa Shetty to shame on the IPL dance floors? Rumour has it that even has a police officer, Shane Bond pursued his dancing career and if you dig a little deeper, you are sure to find out that Allan Donald was the first winner of So you think you can Dance.

He probably has the essential skills to be a good captain too, but only Sree knows what they are. Maybe he will reveal it to us through yet another quote right before he actually does leave Kerala:

"Everybody knows I can be emotional and I can be a good captain too. There are only a few cricketer that can do that".
-Sreesanth knows he is a rare combination of every joker in this world. 

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Zimbabwe Tri-series

When India and Sri Lanka landed in Zimbabwe, they were told that they had only come to put themselves on display while the Zimbabwean cricketers do some job shadowing. You know, so they can build their skills and put it in their resumes for the other cricket nations to review and decide whether they want to play against them. Except, the Indians and Lankans were so bad at their own profession that the Zimbabweans decided to stop the shadowing and do their work for them. And what a fine job they did! 

I don't care if both the teams are missing key players and Dilshan is captaining Sri Lanka. Even an Indian or Sri Lankan second stream team should be able to beat Zimbabwe. Simply because no matter how inadequate the development phase of cricket is in these two countries, they can't be worse than the politicially motivated Zimbabwe. Yet, Zimbabwe have managed to produce players that can whoop Sri Lankan and Indian ass. Comfortably too.

Also, how about the fact that neither India nor Sri Lanka have sent their second strings to Zimbabwe? They just sent experimental teams, without their stars. And most of those lab rats have played in the first XI. I don't know how to exactly describe them. Err...oh yes! India and Sri Lanka after the retirement of Tendulkar, Sehwag, Sangakara and Mahela! Big, bright future boys!

I also don't care if this is only Zimbabwe and nobody is watching. Here's why: will this go down to the records? Yes it will. Will everybody know that India got knocked out by Zimbabwe in a tri-series? Yes they will. Will the Zimbabweans celebrate like mad and consider this a succesful tour (specially if they win today)? Yes they will. Will there be a trophy involved? Yes there will. So guess what? IT MATTERS. Even if you were involved in a tri-series with Afghanistan it matters.

They are putting their all in it. Why the fuck won't you? Oh, because you are India and Sri Lanka. You have been doing is for a while now. God forbid you should take a tri-series in Zimbabwe seriously. You have ICC rankings for fuck's sakes

I don't know about you but I can't wait for the final game today. Of course, now that I have written about Zimbabwe there is a 99.99% chance that they will lose.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Happy days are here again!

Have you heard that Rudi Koertzen is all set to retire? I'll be honest with you, I never thought I'd live to see the day.

No more random decisions, no more wishing 'What if Rudi hadn't been on the field today?', no more broken television sets.

The heavens have blessed us.

But let's not be too mean to the man. Let us give him a proper tribute and state one reason why we hate Bloody Rudi.

It goes like this, start with 'I hate Rudi because...' and then insert your reason. You may also want to insert your reason up Rudi's dark places, but unfortunately, that is not a facility I can provide you with. However, I can provoke you with this:

Let me begin the tribute.

I hate Rudi because he smiles like he knows shit. Yeah Rudi, that's exactly what you know...shit!

Over to you.

West Indies Losers XI

I think it's time to infest West Indies with players who are not West Indian. Why? Do you even need to ask that question?

The real question is, where should we import these players from? I say we get perennial losers from any cricket playing country and make them Honourary West Indian citizens like Herschelle Gibbs and Michael Hayden. Then make them play for the team. I can garauntee you that this lot will win more games than the current bunch.

So without further ado, I give you the West Indies Losers XI:

1) Darren Sammy: He's not really a loser. In fact, with that face and that fearless attitude, he is always a winner in my books, but he is also a good leader of losers as proven by his current efforts. Sammy is really the only West Indian trying to win any matches for his stupid maroon team.

2) Dwayne Bravo: See above.

3) Nathan Bracken: Poor guy is a loser by association, with Cricket Australia that is. Any other team in the world would have ignored his Keira Knightley look and put the bugger in their test team. But not Cricket Australia. They would rather keep him hanging till he fades away. They would also rather pay for Brett Lee's numerous injuries. Brave Nathan continues to look for new opportunities and then the doctors tell him he needs another operation on his knee! Loser's luck indeed.

4) Imran Nazir: What high hopes one had for this lovely opener, although the same can be said for most Pakistani cricketers. Regardless, Imran had the agression, the cover drive and the fielding to be a regular in the team. But then he played  a couple of tests...and now he is just a 28 years old with a double chin who is only called for the national side as an afterthought.

5) Monty Panesar: In order to feel bad for Monty, I need to make space in my heart by getting out my real feelings for him...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I find his situation wonderfully funny. Yet another promising English bowler replaced the minute he hits bad form. He too is 28 with a double chin, but these days with Swann (UGH!) and numerous other young spinners in the horizon, poor ol' Monty isn't even an afterthought. Again, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

6) Dinesh Karthik: Who likes Dinesh Karthik? Do you like Dinesh Karthik? Do I like Dinesh Karthik? Does Dinesh Karthik's mother like Dinesh Karthik? See, I've mentioned his name one too many times and your face is already taking a disapproving shape. He is everywhere: keeping, a batting, fielding, captaining, preventing Sachin from getting a century...but it gets him nowhere. He's just one of those losers that we know is in his rightful place and refuse to let him leave LoserVille. May his lifetime membership continue, in maroon, doing a little bit of everything with the Windies.

7) Ireland: Pick any player, they have all been forced to live in LoserVille, sadly. They do not belong there at all and I for one would like to see them storm the ICC headquarters, confiscate all their adult diapers and threaten to shred them into pieces unless they receive a test status.

8) Martin Guptill: Why the fuck this person got any sort of nomination and recognition is beyond me. He has played in 30 ODI's and has a stunning average of 36.46. He's scored 948 runs so far...122 of them came in the SAME GAME. We will pardon him for his equally woeful test average because he's played in only 11 of them but what's all the hype about? Till I see it Martin darling, you are a loser.

9) Lance Klusener: How this breaks my heart! How it kills me! I feel like dolling up and doing a full Elizabeth Taylor-esque tragic scene when I hear his name. He got shafted by a BUFFALO! Sure, he was in crap form during that period but he was dropped because the young captain, who hadn't even secured a spot in the team, thought Zulu was disruptive and a bad influence. He never returned. He is a loser purely because of circumstances.

10) Mohammad Ashraful: Please don't ask and please don't defend him. If you would like to defend him, your team can have him.

11) Shane Watson: Because no losers team is complete without him.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Fat isn't the new fit

Hello India,

I flew across weights and cardio machines to bring you important news. It is imperative that you listen. Put down that bowl of lipids stuffed in cholestrol and drenched in soluble carbs and listen to me:


It wasn't the new fit when Ranatunga sported and it wasn't the new fit when Shane Warne sported it. It won't be the new fit today, nor tomorrow. Deal with it.

What is the definition of fat you ask? Well, it's simple really.

If you  ripped your pants while taking a catch, you are fat.
If you took your shirt off to dance and the camera had to move away, or people watching television had to blindfold themselves, you are fat.
If you are wearing baggy, sportswear and people can make you that your belly is related to Yokozuna, you are fat.
If your coach is 42 and able to beat you at 'who can reach the other end of the pitch faster', you are fat.
If your name is Yuvraj, Zaheer, Suresh or Rohit, you are fat.

And if you are fat, you ain't fit.

So my friends in blue, hit the gym, do those lunges, lift a tonne, run like the wind...just leave Harbhajan behind. Muscles aren't his thing. Neither is bowling but what the hell!

And when all this is over, kindly upload pictures on Twitter. The world needs proof. Social networking and Iphones will help you get the evidence to them.

Share photos on twitter with Twitpic
 This ain't no joke son

Share photos on twitter with Twitpic
Okay, maybe it is a joke. Give me a hug, Gary will let us play irrespective of waist sizes

For more inspirational pictures, go here.

Another loss, but it's okay

Sometimes, I wish I could have written out Bangladesh's fate at Lords. Then, they would have gotten 200+ and put England to bat with 20 overs left in the day. England, being recent World T20 Champs would have very much believed that this was possible and set out in an attacking manner. They would have lost a few wickets on the way and resign to playing for a draw, as per English customs.

Alas, I was fast asleep on Day 5 (the match starts at 5am here!) and so Bangladesh recoiled to Steven Finn for the second time. I now find it my moral obligation to dislike Finn. I hope he gets chosen for the Ashes and the Aussies end his career.
No I don't. I hope the Aussies end Graeme Swann's career, who by the way, for the first time in eons, had zero wickets in a test. I knew this would happen the minute he won the ECB player of the year award. But anyway, he can go to hell and Steven Finn can suffer a little for being so good against Bangladesh.

All is not lost however. I think for the first time, Bangladesh impressed millions around the world who doubted their test status. The skeptics are still not full converts but they are getting there. A big part of it is because of the two names that made it to the historical Honours Board at Lords. Shahadat shocked me, but I had no doubt about Tamim's ability to make his country proud. When I look at the names on the lists, I can't help but get ahead of myself and dream of a test team that is feared, the team to beat, be respected and even be the number one team in the world.

Don't laugh at me. They may have crumbled on three days out of five but they are doing something astonishing: fighting as a team...batting as a team. Sure, it's usually one half or the other but it's slowly coming together, just when people had started giving up on them. Plus, have you noticed we have a test team now?

AND, they two of them just made history.