Oh Canada!

Recently, I went to my first ever international match in Canada. Hell, it was my first ever live match watched in a cricket 'stadium'. Don't judge me. Cricket matches weren't the best places for young girls to be at in Bangladesh when I was young. Thankfully times have changed.

I was like a maniac at this game. People around me thought I was strange because I screamed when Mark Boucher came to bat. Nasir Hossain was cheered, whistled at (I am not kidding you...) and also booed (2 drop catches...sigh) by the many, many Bangladeshis there. A lot of people, including myself, were waiting for Lara to bat. He never came. We thought he had backed out in the last minute.

Shockingly, I have just found out that Lara was there but refused to bat because he wasn't paid. Neither were any of the other players. Sanath Jayasuriya among others had to buy their own plane ticket. Mind you this game was to promote cricket in Canada.

I'm not going to lie to you, the game was a poor show of cricket. Half the players looked like they weren't interested, the rest yesteryear's superstars who had put on weight (Oh Saqlain!!). Yet we cheered at every 6 and every wicket like we were at the game of our life. It was a rare opportunity for us. Most of the stadium was empty (it holds 50,000 and there were maybe 5,000 of us) and the pitch was some sorry-ass cardboard because there was a huge baseball game taking place in that stadium the next day. The wicket were the plastic ones kids practice on, but we stayed till the end and enjoyed every moment of it.

Little did we know that the damn organizers couldn't even be bothered to fucking pay the players, so we get this opportunity on a much larger scale moving forward. Is this how you promote cricket in a country?

We didn't complain when we saw the best you had was Sunil Joshi, Stuart McGill (although he made our day when he yelled at the music person for keeping the music on while he was bowling) and some random 'Canadian' cricketer to replace Shahid Afridi. There were some Kiwi superstars there too, but let's face it, they don't draw the crowds. We were still okay with it. We cheered on Jacod Oram's horrible bowling and a bored looking Mark Boucher's many, many half attempts. YOU couldn't even make sure that these players get paid properly so they come back and actually give a shit the next time.

I thought the poor camera angles (which weren't changed because of said baseball game), the jerseys with no names on them (we spent half our time guessing who Batsman 1 and Batsman 2 were) and the atrocious pitch was bad enough. Then you do this?

If you are trying to encourage people's interest in a game at least make a decent attempt. What do you think the cricketers will tell the youngsters who want to play the game for a living?

'Do you want to be broke the rest of your life? Then this is the game for you'.

Hi Canadian cricket, the players that you so proudly brought over to show off and sell your tickets..yeah, this is kind of their living. It's their job! They don't show up to games just to get some love and cheers. Yet they did. For you. Are you ashamed of yourself yet?

I am embarrassed for Canada. I can't believe I missed a once in a lifetime opportunity of watching Brian Lara bat, because some asshole thought it would be okay to drag him all the way here just for fun. I can't believe the state of Canadian cricket. I can't believe these people are actually sitting there and thinking they did a good job because they got some stars to play for free once in a blue moon.

Get the Afghanistan Cricket Board on the phone so they can take over.

Warning: Jacques Kallis adulation post

"We choked them", said Jayasuriya, after the Boxing day test. Of course whenever SA loses, no matter in what manner, it's always choking. 252 runs- choking, 10 wickets-choking, loss because of massive failure in all departments- choking.

So Kallis, who got a stunning pair in that test, turned around. It was his 150th test and you know Kallis has that annoying habit? What is it? Yeah, he is so god damn good that he just turns milestones into other milestones.

The man who chased a double ton for so long, now has two. In a do or die match as well. That registered SA's first win at home since 2008. Yes, it's been a long time and thank god it has ended.

I would have been fucking embarrassed had SL drawn or won against SA at home. SL are lovely, but they have been playing in the subcontinent and going only next door for eons. Don't give me stats, I don't want to hear it. SA should have won this from the start and I'm so glad they did. They should have won the Boxing Day test match too, but we won't mention it.

They now move on to New Zealand, another lovely team. I love them with all their sheep, but let's face it- SA WILL KILL THEM. Yes, they must. It's time SA, it's time to be ruthless hounds.

Vettori is handsome and charming and a fantastic cricketer- but HE MUST BE ANNIHILATED. Chris Martin is too good but what is his empty skull next to Kallis' luscious hair? And all that lovely cricket brain.

Oh Jacques and his lovely cricket brain! I'm so at ease with the rest of the season now that Kallis has had a mammoth start. This will continue; yes this will, for wins in Kiwiland and more importantly ENGLAND. Jacques hasn't peaked, he never peaks. He just stays on top in all his glory. Even when he gets a pair he breaks records soon after. No time to think about his failures, the man is too busy being great. And when Jacques is great, he inspires the rest (for the most part). Poor Graeme though, he comes before Jacques in the batting lineup so he never gets any of his inspirations. But who cares? We got AB, Hash, Alviro (yes Alviro, you can do this!), Bouch and even DALE after JK.

Choke on that bitches.

Over at Bangladesh...

Sri Lanka finally got to play the last ODI at Kotla that they had to abandon because Sanga is a whiny baby. They won. The same result that they would have achieved in India had the grand design of BCCI, DDCA and the groundsmen not made the pitch so difficult on their soft, fully gaurded bodies.

Strangely, this Lankan team did not have Dilshan the Destroyer or Sanath the Aged. It had Samaraweera instead, who decided to go all Dilshan on Indian bowlers. It also had the dear Kandambi who is the only fat cricketer I like, after Arjuna Ranatunga. But dear Kandambi continues to pursue his dreams to be the lowest run scorer in all matches.

Or maybe his fatness prevents him from scoring anymore. Either way, his belly has somewhat of a likeability factor. I can't put my finger on it...or around it for that matter. But when I do, I will tell you what it is.

India's seven bowlers picked up an astonishing five wickets. Three of them went to Durbhajan Singh (copyright Raj).

If Durby's getting wickets, the dew must be fucking with this game right?

Over at Saffaland, something awesome has happened. Will post about it at night. Must look up every synonym for "gloat".

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Meanwhile, the 40 year old Jayasuriya is beating the crap out of the 21 year old Inshant. Sanath should run a school for fitness in cricket. Wato and Freddie are to be his star students. Kallis is to teach 'Dramatic weightloss' and Warne to teach 'Ten ways you never lose fat'.

And Sanga goes...to Harbajan. Yes Sanga, you should be mad at yourself. Whoever gives their wicket to Harbajan when they are not playing in India should be forced to shoot a commercial with Dhoni. The commercial will be about shoe laces. Dhoni will make a cricket ball out of shoe laces only and bowl to Sanga. Sanga will hit it for a six. This commercial will soon become a movie.

Dharmasena, a former Sri Lankan cricketer and now umpire gave Sanath a wrong LBW decision. If SL lose this, Sanath can go loco on his former team-mate. The public can burn effigies and throw cow dung at Dharma's house.

Sorry...when Bhajji got that wicket, I thought we had moved to India.

True story!

Over at the other game, once again the South African born Strauss is the only English batsman capable of making runs. Yes, it is important that he was born in South Africa. Don't try to tell yourself otherwise.

The wonderful Canadian cricket channel that I have is not even showing that game. So I have nothing to say about it till I see the highlights...or the rerun. Yes, cricket is so scarce here that we actually have a slot for reruns..ball by ball.