"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Why I should be captain of Pakistan

Not all of this is true, but when the person who will be overseeing my reasons goes by the name of Butt, truth and lies are irrelevant. It's all about getting the job now and getting banned later.
Also, if you can correctly guess which Pakistani captains I am talking about you get something special.
I lie, you get nothing special.
You can't ban me either.

1) I have hair, lots of it. Some have suggested I should do laser hair removal on my head.

2) I have seen Clueless 50 times and totally identify with Alicia Silverstone, which essentially mean there is not much difference between me and Mohammad Yousuf.

3) I make my boyfriends on MSN. Some are from countries I have never even heard of but fear not, I have met all of them over lovely webcam dinners.

4) I was regarded highly as the class drama queen and my teachers would put up with anything I did.

5) I am willing to change my religion to be the captain of Pakistan.

6) I have five 'different' versions of the same speech. Like boys did well, boys did not do well, boys tried to do well, boys did very well and my favourite: boys did well.

7) I can keep wicket. More of us should be captains, if you ask me.

8) I have a nose.

9) I have a temper and I do not hesitate to use it.

10) Because everybody gets to captain Pakistan.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

WI draw first blood

Saffers got a small total, so small that Botha had to come back after retiring hurt. Then Morkel, who is having a friggin' awesome series and still not winning any man of the match awards murdered the Windies along with one eyed Charl. Charl's devotee, one eyed Botha also did well, even after the assault. Now there's a symbol of hope.

West Indies did nothing to try and reach the small total. SA won the series but they will still play the remaining two matches, just for kicks.

Absolutely nothing else happened in this match. Literally.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Dare we say Day 3?


Of course being too excited about this will be absolute blasphemy so I too will maintain a stern face and allow only one side of my face to curve into a half smile. I have just realized that over the years, Bangladeshi supporters have picked up much from English supporters. We no longer celebrate with crazy fireworks and colours, now we just nod in approval and quietly have a dance when no one's watching. It's essential.

I was literally in shock when I switched on the television this morning. Junaid Siddique was blocking balls after balls like he blocks everyday. I actually thought I was still asleep and Trott had just become Bangladeshi in my dream. Then I saw Junaid's hair and knew that I was awake. I mean, who wants to dream of this?

The biggest shock was that Shahadat Hossain got a fifer. Have you ever seen him bowl? His strike rate is 67! I was crying when he got selected for the test team! And now the guy is responsible for bowling England out at Lords! Strauss didn't declare, because his batsmen were walking back to the change room! That my friends is a 'what the fuck' of a good nature!

THEN, and this is another positive then, OUR TOP ORDER DIDN'T IMPLODE! Tamim made a fifty as we all know he would, Kayes did well to hang on and now lovely Junaid Siddique and Jahurul Islam are playing PATIENT CRICKET. Patient, Bangladesh, upper middle order...number three! Junaid, Bangladesh's number three, is playing patient cricket. I never thought I would live to see the day! This is turning out to be a good match for number threes eh?

And to think we are watching a test match between England and Bangladesh.That is just a 'what the fuck' of an excellent nature!

It's only day one

Tomorrow is a new day, except it's not because bloody Trott hasn't reached his 200 yet and will surely attempt to do so. I'm just hoping that bloody Trott has poor Kallis' bad luck and will fall a few runs short.

But bloody Morgan is also at 40 and will surely want his maiden 50 and then slaughter his way to his century on debut. Of course Bresnan and Prior will take this opportunity to make some more test runs. Prior needs it, his spot is on the line these days. Damn Strauss will probably make sure he gets this chance, since Kieswetter did just win the World Cup for Collingwood and Colly is after Strauss' job. He can't have that damn little spy in his team!

Our bloody bowlers will continue to give runs like Shahadat Hossain. Yes I know Shahadat has the third best bowling figures in the attack but I fucking can't believeit. That is just a measure of how shitty the rest were and nothing else. Believe me.

Bloody Shakib is still recovering from the bloody chicken pox and is probably fighting to stay awake on the field. I am going to find the person who gave Shakib chicken pox. Then I am going to give that person chicken pox again and tie them up and duct-tape their mouth, so they can't itch. I'll also leave a tape playing a scratching sound over and over again.

We might bat once Strauss gets bored with our bowlers (I suspect he won't easily because evidently, we cannot be taken lightly) and decides to man-handle our batsmen instead. I am just hoping for Tamim, Mahmudullah, Shakib and Mushfiq to show some guts. I am also hoping the bloody Poms realize that they need to give us something for getting Strauss, KP and Trott back to form. We are the most motivational team ever...for the opposition. There must be some sort of pay for this.

I have settled my fees on Lords. One Englishman by the name of Mark Chalcraft from Good Cricket Wicket is convinced we deserve it so we are almost there.

But for now, man up boys. There's still two more days of drubbing to go.

Oh Maky, you're so fine...

For those of you who don't know, Makhaya Ntini is currently playing for Kent. For those of you who do know, know how late I am in typing this up. But it's better late than never. A phrase Ntini's fans are saying right now, after his tremendous 10 wicket haul in a game that won the match for Kent. Against Durham too, who are currently the Champions in county cricket. A few months ago everybody thought Ntini's career is over.

Better late than never Maky, better late than never.

I had the misfortune of only being able to watch it on ECB's crappier than crap videos, from one angle, but it still looked pretty good. Durham are first divison after all plus this will do wonders for the man's confidence. Now the question is, should Makhaya be given his test spot back?

It's not happening against the West Indies. As far as I know, the squad for that has been selected already. Plus they have Ryan McLaren and hopefully Wayne Parnell, who really should try and grow some extra veins and capillaries or something so he can get better FASTER. Lopsy apparently has also been kept for the tests. Don't ask me why.

The next test they play is against India in December and afterwards theyleave for the World Cup. Makhaya will be almost 34 by then.

Is it worth it to give Makhaya a shot in one or two tests only before he retires?

You tell me. I personally would love to see him back but recognize that it is probably taking away another younger player's time and opportunity. Hasn't Maky lived his glory days already? The guy is the second highest wicket taker in County Cricket this season already. Sure it's a step down from international cricket but it's still cricket isn't it? Dale Benkenstein (yes, he is alive!), plays for Durham now. When was the last time he played international cricket? He is doing just fine.

Of course comparing Benkenstein to Ntini is utter stupidity. The man is nowhere near the fast bowling legend. But I am really confused and I seriously want to know where we draw the line with a legend, if we were to take out favouritism, personal wishes, political agendas and basic misleading hopes and dreams out of the equation.

Is it time to say goodbye to Makhaya? Kent will gladly keep him, plus he is one of the brand ambassadors of FIFA 2010 so don't feel too bad for him. He has plenty to do and plenty of teams that still want him. He just doesn't fit in with the Proteas anymore.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Give the win to West Indies

The Saffers batte(d) brilli(a)ntly, the(r)e is no doubt about that. The top o(r)d(e)r is fi(n)ally making me smile again.

Although, Ha(s)h's brilli(a)nt batting (m)akes (m)e want to punch the selectors in the face, I am going to put a restraining order on m(y)self. I am just happy that they are winning.

(D)(a)ve Mille(r) (r)(e)mi(n)d(s) me of (a) young AB, although let's not ju(m)p on that bandwagon yet. It's only his first series. I a(m) slightl(y) concerne(d) however, (a)bout what this means for Albie. If Alvi(r)o and Dave a(r)(e) firi(n)g it up, I fear Albie is going to be left out of the squad. Yet, I still have high hopes for that man.

JP ha(s) fin(a)lly been dropped, (m)uch to (m)(y) joy. Shut up, he needs it.

I am mo(d)er(a)tely satisfied with the bowling. They a(r)e bowling innume(r)ous wid(e)s. Maybe the heat is making them halluci(n)ate, maybe I am ju(s)t missing the bigger picture, m(a)ybe I a(m) being too picky. Actually fuck that. Fro(m) two matches, the(y) have 18 wi(d)es comp(a)(r)ed to West Indies' 12. That's an a(r)(e)a of concer(n). Lop(s)y is (a)lso an area of concern. Honey, when you are co(m)peting with Wayne Parnell and Ryan McLaren, I would say what you are doing in this series is (m)aking sure (y)ou never get picke(d), ever (a)gain. Thankfully, Johan Botha in the othe(r) end is b(r)inging a lot of joy in my life. Saff(e)rs may have a spi(n)ner...I can hardly believe it! No, I won't believe it till you come smack me. Easy now, you will have to fly to Canada first.

I can happily overlook the fielding mishap(s) bec(a)use (m)ost of the(m) were made by m(y) favourite Buffalo. Who cares about misfiel(d)s when you c(a)n happily make jokes and stick it into his big chin. I have also just (r)ealized that he can loose as much weight as he wants, his head will (r)(e)mai(n) gigantic. Meaning, more ammo for me. Life is indeed very good and shallow.

But ye(s), despite (a)ll this, let West Indies have this win. Not because that will (m)ake this series interesting and not because SA played a(m)azingly well and then nearl(y) lost it. But because of the man who hit (D)(a)le Steyn fo(r) two consecutive sixes and became a beacon of hope in this so(r)ry ass W(e)st India(n) team. The only man in maroon to believe.

I found it only fitting to put his name all over this post. 

Monday, May 24, 2010

How Bangladesh can beat England

On Bored

Sex sells

It has come to my attention, due to twitter being so quiet and of course the empty grounds, that nobody...and I mean nobody, is watching the SA vs WI series. As a Saffa fan, I find it my moral duty to promote their matches and I am going to use the oldest trick in the book: sex.

I admit that these matches don't have the excitement of an unknown lover like a Virender Sehwag innings, neither do they have Daniel Vettori. But this is what they do have:

-Dale Steyn's yorkers. I have certified it as the sexiest thing in cricket right now. Standard Bank Cricket agreed.

-AB de Villiers crouching. Let's just leave it at that.

-Dale Steyn and Kieron Pollard, two very angry powerful men, pushed and shoved a little bit during the T20's. The fight may continue. Now, this may not become a catfight, nor will they suddenly engage in amorous activities while fighting, but that can only be a good thing right?

-Darren Sammy and Jerome Taylor...bowling fast, deadly blows that have the capacity to flatten little men like JP. You know, just in case you are into these things, this series has it.

Admittedly, this is not a very long list but maybe you guys can add to this by...you guessed it, watching the matches! Don't be cricketed out when SA are finally winning!

Also, if you like my marketing call the WICB and ask them to give me a job.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Dale Steyn bowling seven wides is
                                                   The Buffalo walking was

just another way of him deciding that he needed
more time to practice his confused look. At least
by the time he left the crease, he had taught the
umpire the sheepish look, which is really a mixture
of genuine confusion and attempted confusion.  

 a prime example of what confusion can do to even the best.
The question is however, why was Dale confused? Did he think
the stumps could move? Maybe the wind was making the stumps
move and we couldn't detect it with the naked eye.

Loots Bosman overdoing that spirit of cricket crap was

the ultimate keepers of confusion who didn't know they
were supposed to officiate in a match. Thought the red
jerseys were supposed to make them look young so they 
could take one of the dancing girls home and that
they had merely landed the best seats in the ground.

Nikita Miller's face 

his attempt to confuse the Poms. On one hand he didn't walk when
he nicked it against them. On the other, he walked yesterday and the
fucker wasn't even out.Now, should the Poms laugh at him for his
immense stupidity or should they still be angry at him for not walking
against them. Massive confusion about how they should behave towards
the Buffalo. Which is necessary because the Buffalo may lose his job and
have to move to Pommyland. 

The umpires were
confusing the shit out of me. WHICH ANIMATED ALIEN

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

How to deal with Twitter: Celeb Version

- Make friends in real life. The kind whose skin you can feel, as opposed to touching them through your computer screen.

-When going through a bad time, VENT to these friends. That's really what they are there for, to listen to you bitch. Don't worry about them getting sick of it, you are a celebrity after all.

-Remember, Twitter is just another evil modern world creation that ventures to expose poor, innocent celebrities like yourself to more criticisms.

-Twitter was really invented to make journalism much easier, as everybody can type up a gazillion words essay when hating on somebody.

-Twitter is not your girlfriend/boyfriend, lover, wife/husband. Don't you have enough of them already?

-Twitter is public.

-People follow you because they think you are interesting, which you are not. So buy a joke book or better yet respond to them like Herschelle Gibbs. They won't care about anything else if you respond.

-Don't tweet shit about people who are not on Twitter. It really is back-biting, only publicly i.e. they WILL hear about it.

-Slandering people on Twitter is the same as being an ex-player without any medals around your necks making suggestions regarding the team.

-Working on your cricket helps. Tweeting, not so much.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Well, it's over

I am not completely saddened by the result or the ending of this tournament. It's not because of cricket overkill or because I have suddenly started liking the Poms. It's because the winning moment came off the bat of the Englishman I can tolerate (as a cricketer strictly) and the Aussie bowler I would like to vanquish from this Earth. That was the only part of Michael Clarke's captaincy I was grateful for- making sure that the winning runs came off the petulant brat.

I am also glad it's over because the tournament has strangely been like the La Liga, only two teams dominating all the rest. The quality of cricket, I think we can all agree, has been subpar and this time, it's actually because barring the two finalists, the rest sucked balls. I don't think at any moment, any of us didn't know what the outcome of the game was going to be, unless two horribly out-of-form teams were playing. Okay, maybe the Kiwis were the only exception. I thought they should have made the semis.

For me, only three matches were really interesting to watch - SL vs NZ, NZ vs Pak and the Aus vs Pak semi. The rest put me to sleep and I actually got to watch these matches during the day at decent hours. If you didn't really care who won the finals (I did care, but not so much), it wasn't fun to watch either. But it could also be because I had to drive two hours in traffic and only got to watch England bat. Watching Dirk Nannes not take wickets is painful. Kieswetter's wicket abated my pain slightly though. What a fucking embarrassing way to get out! I loved it!

KP was magnificent but I never enjoy watching him doing well. I did like this ridiculous picture though:

I also enjoyed bloody Nasser saying 'Surely, even England can screw it up from here', when they required 29 runs to win. Oh these Poms! They never believe in themselves!

I can understand why they get along so well with them South Africans.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Ricky's prayer

Oh Tasmanian Devil,

Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.

Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!

Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.

Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.

Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.

Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.

Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.


Friday, May 14, 2010

I didn't know that...

1) I dislike the Poms and the Pakistanis more than I dislike Australia. Otherwise today's win wouldn't have given me so much joy. It could also be that this was by far the best fucking game in the whole tournament though.

2) I want to own Shane Watson and hit him again and again, just to see THAT look on his face. I would invite all of you over as well for some dinner, drinks and then a game of smack the Lollipop Boy.

3) I don't like it when Michael Clarke plays T20, let alone captain a side.

4) Highlights could look so ghastly on anybody.

5) I am also one of those that never write Australia off till the game is done. I don't write Pakistan off either...off a loss that is.

6) Captains always don't need to lead from the front for the team to go through to the finals. Puppy and Colly have been in piss poor form, but taking all the credit. Specially Puppy boy. Fuck right off, you didn't do shit for your team!

7) Saffers are actually missing a lot of things from their side: a match-winner, a gutsy player, players that can turn things around for them at the blink of an eye, players that can play Ajmal...okay, I forgive them for the last one.

8) A team losing from a winning situation year after year, could still keep us entertained using the exact same tactics- cumulative brain loss.

Things that make me cry

1) This thing with its tongue sticking out, getting one of my favourite assassin's wicket. Looks like he stuck out his tongue and swallowed Dilshan's mojo, like a frog.

2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.

3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?

4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!

5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.

I don't like either of these teams.

Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Sequels always disappoint anyway

Last year, the match between Pakistan and South Africa was one that people were looking forward to. Everybody wanted to know if the Saffers were going to choke or finally make it to the finals of an ICC tournament. If they were going to choke it was going to be good comedy, if not then it was going to be good comedy as well...considering the other team was Pakistan and the events that usually unfold after almost all their tournament exits. Either way, it was a game we were going to enjoy and we knew it.

Saffers lost, people laughed and eventually Pakistan went to win the World Cup. High drama, tension, crazy Afridi moments, unpredictability and even a heroic attempt from Jacques Kallis. All the characteristics of the perfect summer blockbuster.

This year when the sequel inevitably came out, people were at two-minds about it. Neither the Saffers nor the Pakistanis were in form. Both teams were missing the point (the point being winning helps), both teams were being captained by unimaginative, hairy people but both teams were in a do or die situation. Saffers were slightly on top, as winning the match would at least give them a fighting chance regardless of who won the next one. Pakistanis needed to win AND have England win theirs.

Too many ifs, buts and whatevers. Too many players acting like they were auditioning for matches, rather than playing it. Too much green.

But people still hoped for a good match. Some were sure Pakistan was going to own SA again, others thought even a stuttering SA was too good for them. Yet others thought, why try to beat Pakistan when Pakistan can beat themselves?

Pakistan won the toss and batted first, like last time. They even started terribly. Then they consolidated and eventually reached a respectable score. The match was different, yet there was some familiar bits and pieces. Only, Botha didn't bowl like a dodo bird (ROFL replaced him) and Charl played Parnie's role, but better. Overall, the Saffers did more than okay with the ball, despite Umar Akmal trying to fluoroscent his way through the attack.

Then the chasing began and here was the difference between last summer's blockbuster and the sequel. Within the year Saffers had forgotten how to bat, specially their top three. AB replaced Jakes as this summer's hero; he even swore. But then, like every Saffa batsman these days, he got out the minute he started to clear the boundary. To the 'shitscoop' too. At least that's what Dilshan seems to have taught him.

JP got out before someone could blame him for slowing down his team again and the Saffers fell to yet another spinner, only it was Saeed Ajmal. Ultimately they lost and people happily called them chokers despite the fact that they have been doing the exact same thing in limited overs for about seven months now.

Yes, the differences had a familiar tone in this sequel. Hence, the changes didn't work, nobody was super excited and the match was not a blockbuster. Specially if you are a Saffa fan. But then the Kiwi-England match happened and people could happily forget the disappointing sequel.

Now the unpredictable Pakistanis are in the semis and still have a chance to retain their cup. If that happens, then there is sure to be a third part to this story, which will be even worse.

Remember the Matrix Revolutions?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Question of the day

Why is Harbhajan Singh still India's first choice spinner in T20's?

1) The Indian players are sadists and like being verbally abused often. Nehra's foul mouth alone doesn't cut it anymore.

2) They miss Navjot Singh Sidhu

3) He is sleeping with Geeta Basra.

4) If he is not on the field, he is on the streets of India, which is worse.

A typical England-SA limited overs game

South Africa fucked up big time in a run chase. It's not the tournament, their chasing skills are on a hiatus.

Kevin Pietersen killed. Rainbow colours make him angry.

Buffalo played a part in KP's dismissal.

The Poms stole the magic potion that gives Saffers their fielding power and shoved the empty bottles down their throats.

Morne got a wicket off a no ball. Morne then proceeded to produce some more no-balls.

Barbie misbehaved with the umpire (I never get tired of this).

A Saffa took a fabulous catch and the commentators couldn't stop talking about him.

A Saffa dropped an easy catch.

Eoin Morgan made the Saffers suffer.

South Africa humuliated themselves and made a few non-bowlers look like bowlers in the process.

A Pom took extra pleasure in calling Buffalo a losing captain twice and Colly the winning captain.

South Africa's fate now partially depends on some other team.

English fans are scared that the team is doing too well and Saffa fans are pissed that their team is on the brink of yet another exit from a ICC tournament.

Friday, May 7, 2010

And you thought it was all a joke

Jokes have been made about Afridi and how his hair is eligible for shampoo commercials. We laughed at the thought of Afridi swishing his hair in slow motion while somebody speaks about the benefits of the shampolo. We were sure that it was a unique idea conjured by us non-cricketers and would never cross Afridi's mind. Why would it? He is too busy leading his T20 side. Yes, this is Afridi being a captain. If he can smell a cricket ball to see how it was feeling, why can't he shit all over the captaincy to see how it looks on him? He can and he will!

He can also actually make a shampoo commercial. He has time, he doesn't play tests anymore. And of course he thought of the whole thing! Writing, direction, editing- all done by the great man. Right down to the little girl with her 'I heart Afridi' t-shirt. If you buy them along with the shampoo, Afridi will come and bite your balls for free.

But on the commercial, it has to be shown as giving an autograph. Poor Afridi is forced to hide his mental problems with a sane idea because of lawsuits and other such bullshit. We live in rubbish times.

Buy the t-shirt and the shampoo, even if you don't have dandruff. Then wait for Afridi. He just needs a few minutes to sharpen his teeth.

The good, the bad and the mushy

The good:
-Saffers won comprehensively. Also qualifies under "the shocking".
-Saffers found form, specially AB and Albie. Another "the shocking".
-Morne bowled well in a T20 match (man I should just rename this the shocking!)
-Botha coming out of his mourning period since the loss of his doosra and bending his elbows in new and legal ways to deceive the Sumo himself!
-One eyed Charl.
-Saffers finally figuring out where to use Albie...the 15th over. The melted brains work after all.
-Dan the man showing emotions by shaking his hips mid-air. The dude can also dance, I may just have to clone him.
-The Kiwis still making a match out of it ( I do like them you know)

The bad:
-Albie still bowling.
-Jakes and his wonderful strike rate of just a little above hundred. What happened to the IPL form old man?
-Jakes' hairline receding even further! "Boucherzel, Boucherzel, lend him your hair".
-Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL getting dropped, coming on as a sub AND misfielding! This allowed bastard Buffalo to insult ROFL by calling on Dale, whom ROFL had subbed. Dale was suspiciously tying the strings of his pajamas at that time.
-Ross Taylor being shit. 
-Saffers building themselves up to be favourites before the tournament is done again...

The mushy:
-My Hersch replacing Bosman.
-My Hersch hitting fours.
-My Hersch hitting sixes.
-My Hersch taking stunning catches.
-My Hersch ensuring his place in the side for the rest of the games.
-My Hersch fielding like a fucking genius.
-My Hersch inspiring this awesome post over at Cricbuzz.

Dear God, I know I am not your favourite child but PLEASE make sure Gibbsy retains this form and plays till I am dead.

Thank you.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Let the losing begin

Alright, lost against India, won against Afghanistan. So far, exactly how I had predicted. Good, good. Although if you thought that was a good performance from the Saffers, look again. They lost a lot of wickets. Of course, credit should be given to the Afghans because Hamid Hassan is a fucking awesome bowler and Nabi, well Nabi can bowl a doosra!

The bowling was amazing, but let's not get carried away. Afghanistan's batting isn't really all that great. Short means out. Every single time.And Morne bowls short. Every single time. Think the sumo won't send those balls to South Africa? Think again.

Also, spare a thought for the other Morkel. His balls are sent to the heavens even when he is bowling against Afghanistan. I hope Albie's child has officially abandoned all hopes of becoming an all-rounder. Especially if he is about to get bowling lessons from his dad. Won't matter anyway. Ever generation of batsmen will be taught that the Albie man can bat sometimes, but can't bowl for shit. Hit him and his decendants into oblivion.

The Saffers did kill today but still managed to embarrass themselves in the process. They lost wickets regularly, they had a fabulous start and then allowed the tail to make runs. It's their tradition and they are very big on tradition, them Saffa boys.

Next they meet the Kiwis, Pakistan and England. I'm assuming they will uphold the tradition. Problem is, these teams are not Afghanistan, although Laden probably has family living in two of those countries. They are either good at T20 or have beaten the Saffers in limited overs cricket pretty solidly before. Unless the Saffers have figured out how to play Afridi and Ajmal (which is not bound to happen till my great-grand children are on this earth) or how to contain Eoin Morgan (yeah right!), be prepared for a Saffa exit.

Okay fine, I won't be so negative. The Saffers will go through to the semis and lift the cup amidst fireworks and that dramatic song they play in the beginning of all the matches! Then I will fall in love with the Buffalo and we will produce lots of babies who will all captain South Africa, one by one.

Oh, and Laden will dance at our wedding.

Guidline to a killer instinct

Specially for the Saffers, who are being epic dickheads.

-In the event that an ecounter is futile, as in striking the victim a number of times will not ensure that the victim isn't alive and kicking, bash victim repeatedly. Even if victim is alive afterwards, at least one will have caused some injury.

-Complete destruction of weak victims are neither appealing nor heroic, if followed or preceded by an embarrassing failure.

-One must not look like one does not want to kill the victim, the victim can smell it.

-Niceness is for retards, one must get over it.

-Always strategise for a murder, anything else is punishable by death.

-If strategy is anything other than murder, due to some irreversible brain malfunction, putting it on display for the whole world to see may cause several upset stomachs and basically lead to an upsurge of vomit levels in the world. Please refrain from making such pathetic display.

-When planning annihilation (which should be always), picking Morne is a mistake. He likes to hand out candies to victims in certain formats.

-When planning annihilation (which should be always), leaving Rusty basically means one likes rotten eggs on one's face, hair and mouth.

-Asking the rookie to kill Suresh Raina is...a rookie mistake.

-If one lacks killer instincts, one is to be tied upside down to a tree and dried under the sun until one's brain receives all the blood required to make one's brain function normally. One will only be forgiven if one decides to take the reverse path in this ICC tournament i.e. losing now so one can win later. Like in the semis.

One had better reach the semis.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Question of the day

Why did Harsha call Afridi, 'Shahid bhai'?

Possible answers:

1) Afridi is actually his brother from another mother.
2) By making a brotherly connection, Harsha hopes to answer the question that is on everybody's lips
"Where did Harsha get all that hair?" It was always in the genes folks.
3) Harsha is just keeping him happy, so Afridi doesn't bite him.
4) Afridi is a Don and Bhogle works for him, specially when hair-raising crimes have to be committed.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Question of the day

Why didn't Mahmudullah bowl today?

Possible answers:

1) Mashrafe is actually captaining today's game
2) He isn't in Shakib's fantasy cricket XI
3) Ashraful said, "I am T20 National Cricket League's highest wicket-taker, what about you?" and Mahmudullah slumped into depression
4) Actually, Afridi is captaining Bangladesh today

To Bangladesh, with love

I'm getting slightly emo about tomorrow's game. Maybe it's because Bangladesh is back at the place where they sent India packing three years ago, and beat South Africa while they were at it. Although I don't think they are going to achieve something wonderful this time around as well, just because they are in the Caribbean playing a world cup again...a little part of me is hoping for that miracle.

Hence this video. It was made for the team during the 2007 World Cup. I love this video because a) it's on cricket b) it shows Bangladesh from a different perspective, one where the people are not dying, crying or engaging in corruption. Sadly, the bad things that you guys constantly hear about the country exists as well, but I thought it would be nice to see a different side to the place, for a change.

C'mon Bangladesh! It's Pakistan in a World Cup. We have been there before..and won! Let's have a repeat of that win tomorrow!

This excitement and hope is genuine. I promise!