Tweetin' Dale

It's true and although it's not twitterified yet, his girlfriend and AB have already verified that it is him.

So far, he has told us that he had to hold his pee while Hashim Amla picked up his numerous awards, called AB a spider, used the word 'fuck' under disguise (please!) and informed us that somebody called Panjo is in his bathroom. I can only hope Panjo is his dog, otherwise this can go under one those articles titled 'Twitter fail: how I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me'.

He is slightly demented and funny, as I had pictured him to be, and may just give Mark Boucher and Herschelle Gibbs good competition on Twitterville. So far, Mark B is clearly leading, as he responds to people and has epic 'fights' with Mrs. Neil McKenzie. He also puts up pictures of people vomiting. It's gross but it sure beats the generic, boring, feel good one liners that the other Saffers come up with.

I hope together, Dale and Mark break the pattern. I also hope that Dale doesn't take his Blackberry to the bathroom every time he uses it, so we can get a complete taste of Dale Steyn: exposed. No pun intended.

And now, as this post is becoming infamous for its series of bad titles, and because this other news is not really worthy of a separate post, from today onwards Wayne Parnell will be legally allowed to buy alcohol all over the world. While I do wish him many happy returns of the day I really just want him to return to cricket ASAP.

The same goes for his team mates.

Ashy P

Pee on the Ashes was Man-of-the-Match at the MTN40 final for the Warriors. Not by some fluke, he actually scored 128 runs. I would say it's not surprising, considering the only national level bowler I recognize in the opposition is Andrew Hall. But that could just be me and the fact that I don't live in a cricket mad nation. Tragedy of my life, but I'll tell you about that some other time.

This award means he will surely open in India. I am not amused.

He could be back in form or he could just be having a good day. Either way, what does batting for 40 overs in a completely different pitch have anything to do with Tests in India? Saffa interim coach Corrie, who has a very unfortunate name, has pinpointed him as a primary concern. Evidently, he will let Ashy P play where he wants, which means he will probably bat at 5 or 6.

So who will open? Neil McKenzie is no longer available. He has signed with Hampshire as a Kolpak. KP will be very happy that he can speak Afrikaans with someone other than Trotty who probably carries out different rituals before opening his mouth.

So that leaves us with Hash, which is a bad idea. As much I love him, he has a tendency to get out early in difficult conditions. They can't get Alviro Petersen to open in the tests, because that will mean dropping somebody. That somebody will have to be Ashy P, who just scored 128 runs and won the finals for his domestic team. 

My Herschelle will be watching all this on television and shaking his head. I will join him.

Kallis vs Ponting

I do love good news on the very first day of the year. It's even better when it's bound to piss more than a few people off. The news is that in the last ten years, Jakes has a higher test average than Ponting. The difference is marginal (Jakes: 58.70, Ricky: 58.38) and Jakes actually has about 800 runs less than Ricky. Regardless, I could spend my whole day picturing Jakes detractors banging their head against the wall. Because you know, Jakes' specialty lies in occupying the crease for eternity, rather than scoring runs. Yet the bastard managed to top the averages. *bang bang bang bang bang*

So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.

Category: Style
Evidence:

Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.

Category: Character
Evidence:

Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.

Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.

Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.

Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.

The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.

I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.

Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.