"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Congrats Shakib, but so what?

I see on Crapinfo in this glorious day at work (where I am sleeping) that Shakib has ended Jacques Kallis' reign at the top as a Test all-rounder. A great achievement to say the least. Toppling Jacques Kallis requires 10 more Jacques Kallis's. Both literally and metaphorically.

While I am very happy for Shakib, this is not good for the team. Remember when India only relied on Tendulkar and he was the only one bringing in the accolades? What did that do for India? Nothing. Of course Bangladesh is an even worst version of that Indian team, but honestly, this only means that the rest will rely on Shakib even more now. The attitude will be, we got Shakib and Shakib's got our back. Hence we will continue to be who we are. An embarrassment.

I haven't been watching their recent games because checking the scores on Crapinfo the next day makes me miserable enough. Bangladesh should probably give up their test status and register as a county team. If they will take them that is.Who wants a county team who ends most of their five-day ventures in two? And their one day ventures before lunch.

You would think that Shakib's continuous achievements would inspire the others. But no, they continue to pile it on the boy. It's quite sad really. Or really smart. Make him do all the work and take all the credit right?

FYI Bangladesh, it didn't work for India and it won't work for you.

You better believe it.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


SA was brilliant. Morne was brilliant.

Australia you SUCK BALLS!

This post also sucks balls but it is all I have time for right now.

Another fact that sucks balls is that I will be missing the grand finale tomorrow.

It's a regular suckfest.

Let me know how it goes. Specially if Australia loses. Which they will.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Pat Cummins is so young...

1. Pat Cummins is so young that by the time he was born, Justin Bieber was already a superstar.

2. Pat Cummins is so young that he needs a note from his parents to leave the hotel on players night out.

3. Pat Cummins is so young that Michael Jackson would have befriended him in a heart beat.

4. Pat Cummins is so young that when Liz Hurley walked by with Warnie, he could not stop his thingy from standing up.

5. Pat Cummins is so young, Ricky Ponting is considering him as a prospective husband for his daughter.

6. Pat Cummins is so young that every time he swears at a batsman, his mother come out and smacks him.

7. Pat Cummins is so young, Mitchell Marsh is his legal guardian.

8. Pat Cummins is so young it is illegal for a thirteen year old to have dirty thoughts about him.

9. Pat Cummins is so young, for him the first major event in World History was the death of Osama Bin Laden.

10. Pat Cummins is so young, Shakib is wondering whether it is actually time for him to retire.

11. Pat Cummins is so young, he can copy Sachin Tendulkar's voice perfectly.

12. Pat Cummins is so young, his physical features are still developing.

Else, that is a very unfortunate nose...

No, I will NOT!

The worst thing about getting lazy is right when you have compiled a thousand and one ways to make fun of the Aussies, the Saffers come up with a performance like the one we were subjected to yesterday.

And I was going to make so much fun of Pat Cummins being Barbie's pre-pubertal Ken with zits that are so terrorized by Saffa batsmen that they pop on their own.

I hadn't bargained for SA's wonderful middle order. Actually, was there even a middle order? I certainly didn't see them. Did you?

I didn't see the bowling either, so I can't really comment on how that went. But it seems like the pitch worked pretty well for Pat Cummins (who better fade away soon). So I don't know what my Dale and Morkel were doing.

Of course, the correct way of going about this is to blame the rain. South Africa loses 90% of the games that have been affected by rain. The rest 10% are washed out.

So no, I will not write a proper post on this because there are still two more games to go and Ricky Ponting will very soon revert back to his 'can't bat, can't captain' stance. I can feel it coming.

My only consolation from this game is that Witchy Mitchy is soon going to feel the pressure from Ken Cummins and give us the joy of pie chucking.

(In case you are wondering, I will also not mention Bangladesh's glorious revenge against the West Indies. I would have, had it been the second ODI of the three ODI's series but it wasn't. It was the last miserable game and the series had already been lost by then. So what is the point? Bangladesh-always coming up with a stellar performance when all has been lost. We have to fucking change the format of every series for them. Start with the last ODI first! Idiots.)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Breathe Graeme

Dear Graeme,

Let me make this very clear. This letter of concern and advise (yes, you read that right) has very little to do with you. I don't like you and even though I have said it a million times before I feel the need to clarify this in the very beginning. Lest you and the world thinks I am developing a soft spot for you. So once again, I do not like you.

But, now that you cannot solely be responsible for SA's many, many, MANY failures with your unbelievably stupid decisions, I have come to terms with the fact that the team does in fact need you. You are an opener, and a good opener at that. Once upon a time you used to be borderline great, but obviously you have declined since then. I don't blame you. Captaining SA, getting fat, taking in people's hate, batting- all very tiring. No matter how much of a multitasker you are.

In hindsight, you weren't a terrible captain. I know I make you sound like an abomination, but you did fine as per your capabilities. Yeah, that's a compliment. Take it.

But in hindsight, you are turning out to be a terrible batsman. And that's a tagline I never thought I'd give you. Because you aren't a terrible batsman. In fact, it's the one thing you ARE good at. Opening the batting for South Africa. And considering SA's past openers have been Gary Kirsten, Daryl Cullinan, Herschelle Gibbs etc. that wasn't an easy position to fill. But you did fine for a while. Then obviously, the captaincy took precedence and now you are 30 and may not be able to bat like you used to.

It's scary for us too. Till date, I have yet to see an opener that can replace Herschelle Gibbs which means your other end, is still empty. This also means, a lot of the responsibilities lie on your shoulders. You are no stranger to responsibilities, but I would assume this one's personal. I mean, this one is about you and your forte. And to be honest, it's been bitterly disappointing us for a while now.

So breathe. Age and other distractions sadly took one of SA's great opening batsman. Gibbs, never recovered to achieve what he was meant to achieve. You still have time, or so I would like to think. SA isn't ready to lose another solid opener. Not till Prince becomes a regular (IF he becomes a regular) and Gary Kirsten has figured out where AB should play (god dammit, will you pick a spot already!). Or till they think Rudolph needs to start to represent the Proteas. Seriously! What does a guy have to do?

Finally, let me remind you that I do not like you. But breathe and get your shit together.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

It didn't go well boys

I woke up and had a heart attack because SA were 11/2. Well, it wasn't that great of a heart attack because one of the men gone were Graeme Smith. I don't like him. Specially when he decides to drag the ball onto his own stumps.

Playing for the Aussies are we Smithy?
(Please get Majeed on the phone)

Anyway, that aside, it was a disaster. Darling Duminy tried his best and god some of his shots were beautiful. But hey, guess what...Aussies can bowl! Who the fuck is this Cummins and why, oh why does he have that haircut?
Most importantly, how did the Aussies find a T20 bowler that is neither Dougie, Binga nor Nannes?

And who the hell did SA have? Rusty...and the rest had names but they were all in fact...rusty. As in out of practice. Yeah I know, I am rusty too.

But who gives a shit? SA lost. And they actually lost quite pathetically. Dropped catches (three: Graeme-WHO HAS FAT HOOVES FOR HANDS, Botha, BOTHA AGAIN), missed runs outs, inability to stop easy singles, shitty bowling.

Should I go on? It doesn't even sound like the South African team I know.

Stop going on vacation guys, enough is enough! And do not feed me that, this is only T20 shit. It's a game against Australia. THIS SHALL NOT BE TAKEN LIGHTLY!

Hash didn't impress either. But it's okay, because I like him.

I'm such a fool.

P.s: Where is my son?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

1.5 hours...


That is all.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Australia try to intimidate the Proteas

Australians are well known for their mind games. Seeing as their trash talks haven't worked in a while and their team is currently a subject of 'snickering secretly while pretending to intelligently analyze what went wrong', they are trying new tactics. For example, they sent a T20 captain who is...well a visual monstrosity. As in he is ugly. He is so ugly that he makes Ricky Ponting look pretty.

Oh dear...

Such level of ugliness can only be meant to scare the crap out of our Protea boys. Talent and strategies, they can deal with. But how the hell do you deal with an ugly gentleman looking at you for eight hours? How do you battle bad looks?

However, Australia's other captain is campaigning for a bigger intimidation scheme. He is the Pup and he has a gigantic bat and ball. Err..that's no euphemism. 

Courtesy of funny man MartyD

" I may have a teeny-tiny brain but my big bat and my big ball will sweep the Proteas out of the stadium".

Please note that your ball is damaged. Pun intended.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Thank you finger injury

So far life is sweet. AB the injured has been replaced by Hashim the bearded as captain. Good call Hudson, good call.

Of course it is pure coincidence. Believe me, for once, I had nothing to do with AB's injury. I thought about it once or twice, but even my powers aren't that great...yet.

Just in case you weren't following the news (shame on me for not keeping you up to date), following the glorious stepping down of Graeme the buffalo as ODI and T20 captain, AB was named as his replacement. Based on what? Does AB inspire his team-mates? Does he understand field placing? Does it even look like he understands anything other than batting and maybe wicket-keeping. Just maybe.

He is not that experienced. Neither is Amla for that matter. At least not internationally. But I would say of the two Amla is a better choice. Just for a second forget about the fact that Amla has skippered his local teams and the Proteas U19. Look at them as individuals.

Amla hangs back. He is quiet. He absorbs so much most people dismiss him as a negligible entity. Then he strikes.
AB jumps around. He talks too much. He always has to be the centre of attention. The star. The one everyone is sure to notice first and bank on.

This is not to say that only a certain type of individuals make good captains. Fleming and Vettori were the stars of their teams and they did just fine. More than fine. However, when you are more the "backroom guy" as Amla claims to be, most likely, you have a certain introspective capability that will propel your team to be the star. Specially when that team consists of a Steyn, a Kallis, a Duminy, a Smith (now, now, let's show him some love for his batting abilities), a Boucher (YAY!) and a Parnell.

Not a bad list of players to have under your belt.

Yes, Amla is a better choice. Because sometimes, the backroom guy is exactly what a team with great potential (and one measly international trophy...) needs. Someone who pulls the strings quietly and makes great things happen. No flamboyance and no singing.  

Saturday, October 1, 2011

New background

I made a new background and I am quite proud of it. But stupid blogger won't let you see it in all it's glory. So here it is.

It's pretty amateur, I know. But please like it and tell the world how good I am at cutting and pasting pictures on paint.

Twelve days to go..

Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.

Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.
Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team. 
Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.
ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES. 
AB is injured and out.

The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.
The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.

But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.

All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.

But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.

Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The era of English cricket?

This is no celebration. This is a question that may very well make or break my existence.

Do I live in a world where English cricketers are...well good?

This is not to say we haven't had some top English cricketers before. But winning games? That's new. Winning a World Cup and then becoming the number one test side in the world...well that's just fucking beginning of the earth kind of stuff isn't it?

They are a team that worked their way up and that definitely says a lot about them. I mean, this is a team that decided KP should captain them for fuck's sakes! They put their hope and dreams of a win on a man named Mascaraman. One of their go to bowlers distinctively resembles a little girl's doll. More often than not, that bowler bowls like a doll, without any brains.

Knock, knock. Who is there? Nobody. Cuz this is Stuart Broad's head.

But these bunch of jokers seem to have been offset by the powerful Andy Flower, the capable Jimmy and dare I say it...the *gulp* intelligent Andrew Strauss.

What is going on here? Who are they? Where have they come from? How did they inspire this attitude within the English camp? And why do I feel that the list does not end with these three? That there are more, brewing, inspiring, invoking an era of English domination?

I don't get it. Probably because when the Windies and the Aussies dominated, their teams were made up of snarling beasts who glared, bullied, towered, basically mafia-ed their way through the cricket world. The English team however are easy to overlook. Mostly because of their reputation and their predecessors of course but look how sneakily they rose to the top. So gently, so politely. Almost apologetically.

"Pardon us good sir, but we will sit here at the top if you will let us please".

Where is the arrogance? The attitude? The aura of champions?

I just don't get it.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I am two

I don't think this one counts though.

One has to blog to count a complete year right?

But there you have it. 2009 turned to 2010 and 2010 turned to 2011.

Yay me.

Okay, back to zombieland.

Friday, August 12, 2011

While I was away...

Somebody married the Buffalo.

Does she know he has the magical power to get bigger?

Err..in body size only.

Whatever. Maybe this will at least cause him to play better cricket.

Or else...

Why should I return?

Have you been watching cricket recently? HAVE YOU?

England, on a quest to be the number one test team of the world, have magically tapped into their inner winner. I didn't even know such a thing existed with the Poms, but there you have it. They are kicking ass. Even Mascaraman is a winner this time around. He must have dug up his inner champion from someone else's grave.

India are on the receiving end of this new English attitude. Supposedly, they too are vying to be the new Australia (world champs+test champs+piss everyone off champs). A poor choice of ambition, considering their bowling attack consists of a staggering nobody.

But wait, who makes up England's bowling attack? James Anderson...and the obscure one hit wonders.

India dies.
At the hands of a Barbie doll.

Then we have my countrymen who have attempted to disguise themselves in horrendous orange, lest they fail. I appreciate it, because it shows they are thinking ahead. "In case of yet another embarrassing performance, wear a different coloured uniform. All stones will be diverted to the wrong bus anyway".

Well Bangladesh, here's a line for you: If you try again and again without success, failure may just be your style.

I am beginning to believe that.

How can I end a post without talking about my beloved Proteas. Who you say? I say the same thing. Who are these non-existent, fleeting men in green who only show up for certain periods of the cricket season, and never stay for the climax?

*Insert dirty joke here*

So in a nutshell, this is the era of England and India (not choosing since I can't bear it to be the era of either), Bangladesh will replace Zimbabwe in the number 10th spot and the Proteas are too busy being degenerates.

Nobody loves me.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Nostalgia: Favourite media question

"So Shane/Inzy...how much do you currently weigh?"

Objection! I am just a Tellytubby

And I am pleasantly plump.

But Shane/Inzy, how much do you weigh?

*Walks out*.

Monday, April 11, 2011

No sweat

Who is bothered about the results? We bowled well, other than the last two overs, lost fewer wickets than Australia and clearly was just magnanimously trying to teach Australia how to play tests again. Sure, we chose a really fucked up time to begin the lessons but we tend to get carried away with our big hearts.

There are still two more matches to go. The DOG  will be tamed to a puppy again. I am sure of it.


Then again, watching Australia lose isn't really a rarity these days.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I have hope

Now that the World Cup is over (and I have no other excuse to stay up all night and be disfunctional at work), I look forward to the Aussies coming to Bangladesh. More so because for the first time, I have hope.

That would be hopes of a win. Yes, a win. Against the Aussies.

Let me tell you why.

First of all Australia are living on reputation. They are no longer to be feared, specially when they are being led from the front my someone called Pup. Michael John Clarke is your captain? Really Australia? Michael Clarke who has yet to figure out what One Day Internationals actually are? Let's not talk about how good he was once upon a time because Michael Clarke...also living on reputation.

Second of all, any recent ODI's where Australia did not lose were played against Kenya, Canada and New Zealand.

Third of all we have spinners. Actual spinners. Not some Warne wannabes. It is irrelevant that we never had a Shane Warne to live up to. What is relevant is that YOU can't play spin.

Fourth of all Australia in the subcontinent. Do I need to even explain that?

As you can see, as this post has progressed, the hope has grown into belief. Soon, I will be gloating all over the delusional Sid from Thoughts from the Dustbin. Incidentally, she thinks it's only Bangladesh. Go read it here.

At least we had the brains to drop Crashrafool. I hear you've still kept Mussey?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Put a leash on Morne

...he is unstoppable.

Forgive me for I am out of practice.

The beginning

Right, World Cup time. Meaning time to get off my lazy ass and actually start blogging. Will only last till the semis anyway.

Yes, I did just say that. I have done much soul searching during my absence and have realized that sometimes being negative actually attracts negative results. And when you support Bangladesh and South Africa, even positive thinking, brings negative results. Put the two together and you have two negatives cancelling each other out to bring a big, yellow, positive smiley face. Much like AB's hair (I swear it knows how to smile).

So here we go, a new beginning for the blog with the same old but slightly modified negativity and a big bag of love for Bangladesh and South Africa. It only makes sense that I put a video of Bangladesh's victory against Kenya in the ICC trophy, which allowed them to play their first ever World Cup (where we beat Pakistan...muhahaha). I think I mentioned it somewhere before and as you can see, I got the details quite wrong. The six I recall being hit was earlier in the over and although it WAS our bowler who made the winning runs, it came off a single- the most famous single in the history of Bangladesh cricket. Yes, it is that dramatic. See it for yourself.

P.s- the video quality is shit. What did you expect? This was before Paris Hilton showed us what you can do with a camera.