"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Thursday, October 27, 2011


SA was brilliant. Morne was brilliant.

Australia you SUCK BALLS!

This post also sucks balls but it is all I have time for right now.

Another fact that sucks balls is that I will be missing the grand finale tomorrow.

It's a regular suckfest.

Let me know how it goes. Specially if Australia loses. Which they will.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Pat Cummins is so young...

1. Pat Cummins is so young that by the time he was born, Justin Bieber was already a superstar.

2. Pat Cummins is so young that he needs a note from his parents to leave the hotel on players night out.

3. Pat Cummins is so young that Michael Jackson would have befriended him in a heart beat.

4. Pat Cummins is so young that when Liz Hurley walked by with Warnie, he could not stop his thingy from standing up.

5. Pat Cummins is so young, Ricky Ponting is considering him as a prospective husband for his daughter.

6. Pat Cummins is so young that every time he swears at a batsman, his mother come out and smacks him.

7. Pat Cummins is so young, Mitchell Marsh is his legal guardian.

8. Pat Cummins is so young it is illegal for a thirteen year old to have dirty thoughts about him.

9. Pat Cummins is so young, for him the first major event in World History was the death of Osama Bin Laden.

10. Pat Cummins is so young, Shakib is wondering whether it is actually time for him to retire.

11. Pat Cummins is so young, he can copy Sachin Tendulkar's voice perfectly.

12. Pat Cummins is so young, his physical features are still developing.

Else, that is a very unfortunate nose...

No, I will NOT!

The worst thing about getting lazy is right when you have compiled a thousand and one ways to make fun of the Aussies, the Saffers come up with a performance like the one we were subjected to yesterday.

And I was going to make so much fun of Pat Cummins being Barbie's pre-pubertal Ken with zits that are so terrorized by Saffa batsmen that they pop on their own.

I hadn't bargained for SA's wonderful middle order. Actually, was there even a middle order? I certainly didn't see them. Did you?

I didn't see the bowling either, so I can't really comment on how that went. But it seems like the pitch worked pretty well for Pat Cummins (who better fade away soon). So I don't know what my Dale and Morkel were doing.

Of course, the correct way of going about this is to blame the rain. South Africa loses 90% of the games that have been affected by rain. The rest 10% are washed out.

So no, I will not write a proper post on this because there are still two more games to go and Ricky Ponting will very soon revert back to his 'can't bat, can't captain' stance. I can feel it coming.

My only consolation from this game is that Witchy Mitchy is soon going to feel the pressure from Ken Cummins and give us the joy of pie chucking.

(In case you are wondering, I will also not mention Bangladesh's glorious revenge against the West Indies. I would have, had it been the second ODI of the three ODI's series but it wasn't. It was the last miserable game and the series had already been lost by then. So what is the point? Bangladesh-always coming up with a stellar performance when all has been lost. We have to fucking change the format of every series for them. Start with the last ODI first! Idiots.)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Breathe Graeme

Dear Graeme,

Let me make this very clear. This letter of concern and advise (yes, you read that right) has very little to do with you. I don't like you and even though I have said it a million times before I feel the need to clarify this in the very beginning. Lest you and the world thinks I am developing a soft spot for you. So once again, I do not like you.

But, now that you cannot solely be responsible for SA's many, many, MANY failures with your unbelievably stupid decisions, I have come to terms with the fact that the team does in fact need you. You are an opener, and a good opener at that. Once upon a time you used to be borderline great, but obviously you have declined since then. I don't blame you. Captaining SA, getting fat, taking in people's hate, batting- all very tiring. No matter how much of a multitasker you are.

In hindsight, you weren't a terrible captain. I know I make you sound like an abomination, but you did fine as per your capabilities. Yeah, that's a compliment. Take it.

But in hindsight, you are turning out to be a terrible batsman. And that's a tagline I never thought I'd give you. Because you aren't a terrible batsman. In fact, it's the one thing you ARE good at. Opening the batting for South Africa. And considering SA's past openers have been Gary Kirsten, Daryl Cullinan, Herschelle Gibbs etc. that wasn't an easy position to fill. But you did fine for a while. Then obviously, the captaincy took precedence and now you are 30 and may not be able to bat like you used to.

It's scary for us too. Till date, I have yet to see an opener that can replace Herschelle Gibbs which means your other end, is still empty. This also means, a lot of the responsibilities lie on your shoulders. You are no stranger to responsibilities, but I would assume this one's personal. I mean, this one is about you and your forte. And to be honest, it's been bitterly disappointing us for a while now.

So breathe. Age and other distractions sadly took one of SA's great opening batsman. Gibbs, never recovered to achieve what he was meant to achieve. You still have time, or so I would like to think. SA isn't ready to lose another solid opener. Not till Prince becomes a regular (IF he becomes a regular) and Gary Kirsten has figured out where AB should play (god dammit, will you pick a spot already!). Or till they think Rudolph needs to start to represent the Proteas. Seriously! What does a guy have to do?

Finally, let me remind you that I do not like you. But breathe and get your shit together.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

It didn't go well boys

I woke up and had a heart attack because SA were 11/2. Well, it wasn't that great of a heart attack because one of the men gone were Graeme Smith. I don't like him. Specially when he decides to drag the ball onto his own stumps.

Playing for the Aussies are we Smithy?
(Please get Majeed on the phone)

Anyway, that aside, it was a disaster. Darling Duminy tried his best and god some of his shots were beautiful. But hey, guess what...Aussies can bowl! Who the fuck is this Cummins and why, oh why does he have that haircut?
Most importantly, how did the Aussies find a T20 bowler that is neither Dougie, Binga nor Nannes?

And who the hell did SA have? Rusty...and the rest had names but they were all in fact...rusty. As in out of practice. Yeah I know, I am rusty too.

But who gives a shit? SA lost. And they actually lost quite pathetically. Dropped catches (three: Graeme-WHO HAS FAT HOOVES FOR HANDS, Botha, BOTHA AGAIN), missed runs outs, inability to stop easy singles, shitty bowling.

Should I go on? It doesn't even sound like the South African team I know.

Stop going on vacation guys, enough is enough! And do not feed me that, this is only T20 shit. It's a game against Australia. THIS SHALL NOT BE TAKEN LIGHTLY!

Hash didn't impress either. But it's okay, because I like him.

I'm such a fool.

P.s: Where is my son?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

1.5 hours...


That is all.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Australia try to intimidate the Proteas

Australians are well known for their mind games. Seeing as their trash talks haven't worked in a while and their team is currently a subject of 'snickering secretly while pretending to intelligently analyze what went wrong', they are trying new tactics. For example, they sent a T20 captain who is...well a visual monstrosity. As in he is ugly. He is so ugly that he makes Ricky Ponting look pretty.

Oh dear...

Such level of ugliness can only be meant to scare the crap out of our Protea boys. Talent and strategies, they can deal with. But how the hell do you deal with an ugly gentleman looking at you for eight hours? How do you battle bad looks?

However, Australia's other captain is campaigning for a bigger intimidation scheme. He is the Pup and he has a gigantic bat and ball. Err..that's no euphemism. 

Courtesy of funny man MartyD

" I may have a teeny-tiny brain but my big bat and my big ball will sweep the Proteas out of the stadium".

Please note that your ball is damaged. Pun intended.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Thank you finger injury

So far life is sweet. AB the injured has been replaced by Hashim the bearded as captain. Good call Hudson, good call.

Of course it is pure coincidence. Believe me, for once, I had nothing to do with AB's injury. I thought about it once or twice, but even my powers aren't that great...yet.

Just in case you weren't following the news (shame on me for not keeping you up to date), following the glorious stepping down of Graeme the buffalo as ODI and T20 captain, AB was named as his replacement. Based on what? Does AB inspire his team-mates? Does he understand field placing? Does it even look like he understands anything other than batting and maybe wicket-keeping. Just maybe.

He is not that experienced. Neither is Amla for that matter. At least not internationally. But I would say of the two Amla is a better choice. Just for a second forget about the fact that Amla has skippered his local teams and the Proteas U19. Look at them as individuals.

Amla hangs back. He is quiet. He absorbs so much most people dismiss him as a negligible entity. Then he strikes.
AB jumps around. He talks too much. He always has to be the centre of attention. The star. The one everyone is sure to notice first and bank on.

This is not to say that only a certain type of individuals make good captains. Fleming and Vettori were the stars of their teams and they did just fine. More than fine. However, when you are more the "backroom guy" as Amla claims to be, most likely, you have a certain introspective capability that will propel your team to be the star. Specially when that team consists of a Steyn, a Kallis, a Duminy, a Smith (now, now, let's show him some love for his batting abilities), a Boucher (YAY!) and a Parnell.

Not a bad list of players to have under your belt.

Yes, Amla is a better choice. Because sometimes, the backroom guy is exactly what a team with great potential (and one measly international trophy...) needs. Someone who pulls the strings quietly and makes great things happen. No flamboyance and no singing.  

Saturday, October 1, 2011

New background

I made a new background and I am quite proud of it. But stupid blogger won't let you see it in all it's glory. So here it is.

It's pretty amateur, I know. But please like it and tell the world how good I am at cutting and pasting pictures on paint.

Twelve days to go..

Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.

Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.
Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team. 
Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.
ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES. 
AB is injured and out.

The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.
The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.

But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.

All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.

But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.

Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.